>>0 gets an honorary mention in nearly all ITT threads relating to the previous poster, despite never making a single contribution of his own.
>>1 is so adept at construing captcha meanings to create sensical sentences that he is all but unable to speak without first spotting a misspelled or foreign word.
Holy shit.
I didn't see >>2 at first, but I find it odd that we both chose to talk about captchas.
Please excuse my post.
>>4 clearly has been reading my mind and I don't feel too comfortable about that. Good thing his power only extends to DQN, though, because it would be very embarrassing if he knew what I was saying on /love/.
>>7 is able to stomach any liquid in the world without the bad side-effects. Not much can be said about anything else though.
>>8 is able to post good powers but not bad powers. not sure if that's useless though
>>10 will always be able to finish whatever is on his plate at any meal.
>>12 can compel anyone to tell truthfully what they had for breakfast that day.
>>12 can't make up his mind whether to eat at The Rei's or Marty's.
>>14 has the superhuman will necessary to ignore the thread's title and post whatever the hell he wants.
>>17 has the uncanny ability to make me not want to continue a parroting combo.
>>18 can communicate with plants. It turns out plants don't have much to say.
>>19 Can make any NES work in one try without blowing on the cartridge.
>>28 always knows exactly what the person he's looking at had for lunch the previous Saturday.
>>31 can bend spoons with his mind - when he instructs his hands, via his mind, to bend spoons.
>>32 Can cause an Xbox 360 to get an RRoD faster than anyone else.
>>34's superpower, no matter what it is, is bound to come in handy in helping defeat the bad guy at the climax of the thread.
>>３８ ｈａｓ ｔｈｅ ａｂｉｌｉｔｙ ｔｏ ｍａｋｅ ｔｗｏ ｓｌｉｇｈｔｌｙ ｈｕｍｏｒｏｕｓ ｂｕｔｔ ｊｏｋｅｓ ｉｎ ｏｎｅ ｄａｙ．
>>42 can teleport himself up to one millimeter away from his present location.
>>43 can travel forward in time without even thinking about it
>>47 can skim pebbles at an angle of 10° to the surface of a body of water, rather than the measly 7° permitted by physics.
>>48 can read 4-ch with his mind, but still has to use a computer to post until the mobile posting function is finally implemented.
>>51 can pick out nose hairs using only his fingernails. And not even flinch.
>>52 has the ability to stay in decent shape with moderate exercise and a healthy diet.
>>54 can make a Mario Paint version of any song within 10 minutes.
>>55 can burn out any light bulb he concentrates on within three days, but only if he eats the same food every day.
>>56 can tell the exact number of hairs on a person's body after watching them for 47 minutes, as long as he never makes eye contact.
>>56 has the ability to travel through time, but only forwards and at regular speed.
>>58 can assign another superpower to a poster already gifted with one.
If brought to exactly the right altitude and able to remain there, >>59 can fly under his own power. A foot too high or too low, and soft landings become impossible.
>>60 can talk at a maximum speed of two-hundred times faster than normal.
>>64 is able to string symbols and shapes, such as these, into advanced concepts known as "words."
>>65 knows all words in all languages, but is incapable of speaking or writing most of them.
>>69 can force a new meme without any of the participants in the thread ever realising.
>>72 Can duplicate himself an unlimited number of times, so long as he destroys the previous copy immediately at the creation of the new one.
>>73 can transform any coin minted after 1965 into a newer, more recent version of the same coin.
>>74 can identify a horse's pedigree by the taste of its excrement.
>>75 can make any sentence wax scatological, as long as he's the one writing it down.
>>77 can count how many pushups someone has done without looking
>>80 can muster up the energy to care about threads after a sage post.
>>82 can instantly memorize any book, but only if it's on the Korean War.
>>84 can turn a TV on with his mind, but still has to use a remote to change channels.
>>85 can change the distance between the Earth and the sun by up to 5 cm after a savoury meal.
>>86 can predict the lifespan of the nearest seagull by gouging out one of his eyes.
>>90 Can fart without laughing about it, causing someone else to get blamed for farting.
>>92 can stick anyone's face in dough and make gorilla cookies, even if the person isn't ugly.
>>95 able to imitate the air pressure from a compressed can of air
>>94 able to fart very loudly, especially when in the presents of girls he likes.
>>96 can fit himself into tiny boxes which he somehow proceeds to gift-wrap, then gives himself away as presents to the girls he likes.
>>98 can watch 3d movies with one eye shut by shifting his whole head back and forth 24 times per second.
>>100 can liquefy his own brain at will without moving his head.
>>107 can tell how many months past its expiration date a carton of milk is.
>>109 can put his right hand in, put his right hand out, in, out, in, out, and shake it all about.
>>110 can mismatch his socks in such a way that his color choices aggravate others.
>>111 can instantly distinguish between a Nintendo DS and DS Lite at 1500 meters.
>>112's sleeves roll up on their own whenever he wears a long-sleeved shirt.
>>113 can predict which chamber a bullet is in while playing Russian roulette, but only after the gun has fired.
>>114
Can regenerate her hymen after sex an unlimited number of times.
>>115 can smoke an ungodly number of cigarettes at once in the same time it would take a mere mortal to drag on a single cancer stick.
>>116 can make people around him happy, but only if no one is watching.
>>117 is invincible when he does battle against zombies, but only the p-zombie type.
>>121 Can read the entire New York Times while taking a crap.
>>122 can crap any newspaper you ask him for, but it will always be the September 24, 1993 issue.
>>123 can time travel to September 24, 1993 as often as he wishes, but he can't do anything differently than he did the first time.
>>126 can eat depleted uranium and crap weapons-grade plutonium, but only up to fifteen micrograms a month.
>>127 can predict the future, but only up to 10 seconds from the present
>>129 can build a functioning public telephone out of index cards. Unfortunately, the only currency it will take are Roman Denarii, and all phone numbers have to begin with 555.
>>130 can scary anyone away with his ugly foot‼ Shamefully, a skin on it is too sensitive to light.
>>131 has super strength, but in an ironic twist of fate, everything posted in the "Previous Poster is Unfathomably Weak" thread applies to him.
>>135's poop is slightly more nutritious than the average stool.
>>136 can name any thread's 999th post, but only after it has been posted.
>>137 has the ability to predict when a thread will reach 1GET
>>138 can accurately predict what's for lunch. 97% of the time.
>>139 can determine the precise composition of any radioactive substance by eating it.
>>140 Is able to take an expression out of context further than anyone else.
Can serve as the post I reply to in order to see what the current timestamp is so I can judge if DQN is still active after me being away for more or less years.
>>146 can detect glow in the dark butt hats from Guam. But only when he is in Guam.
>>149 is able to take personal offense at widespread cultural trends.
>>150 can regrow any limb he loses, much like a lizard. Unlike lizards, however, he must eat the lost limb first.
>>152 can gain any ability possessed by an ancestor of his. Sadly, the ancestor is picked at random and herding, plowing and stone-knapping aren't very useful skills.
>>155 can tell what time it was exactly 10,000 years ago from the present moment.
>>156 can create THE HARDEST METAL KNOWN TO MAN... by playing his guitar.
>>157 owns a pet neutrino. At any moment, he is able to tell its exact position and velocity. He keeps track of this data on a mildly successful blog with the title "Suck It, Heisenberg".
>>158 knows instantly whenever threads on any bulletin board reach their 157th post and can always achieve 158GET through psychokinesis, regardless of his proximity to a computer with Internet access.
>>159 can heal grave wounds by applying melted DVDs that stored anime.
>>161 can accurately assess how much profit a video game released this year would have made if it had been released five years ago.
When standing in a supermarket queue, >>162's wallet will always contain precisely 70 cent less than the price of his purchases. Economists dread the day he decides to go shopping for a 69 cent item.
>>164 can, with a tiny gesture, precisely deflect a drop of rain so it goes behind your glasses and right into your open eye.
>>166 is able to link with the fictional beasts of the movie Avatar
>>168 Can rescue his grandmother from the Bugblatter Beast of Trall more quickly than a Vogon can.
>>169 can predict the ending of any Youtube Poop video ever made.
>>171's death will destroy the universe, but only by certain philosophical concepts.
>>173 can type faster than anyone on the planet, but only if he's using a sanskrit keyboard.
>>176 can turn into an angsty teenager, but has no control over this power.
>>177 can become charming, well-spoken, and handsome, but only when no one else is around.
>>179 can enter into a deep, catatonic reverie as long as no one is around.
>>181 has the power to kill himself by saying a magic two-line ritual.
>>183 can recite the source code for any program he executes.
>>188 can /away on IRC like a pro, even though no one /msg's him in the first place.
>>189 can use two computers simultaneously to tank his own characters on any given MMORPG.
A a B b C c D d E e F f G g H h I i J j K k L l M m N n O o P p Q q R r S s T t U u V v W w X x Y y Z z
>>193 can cause fizzy drinks to go flat just by staring at them.
>>199 has the unconditional ability of receiving all the blame of the previous poster's deliberate attempt at messing up the posting order.
ITT the next poster now has a largely useless super power.
>>198 was bitten by a radioactive daffodil and became Daffodil Man, with all the specials powers of a daffodil
>>206 can forever remain indoors for his/her body produces its own source of vitamin D.
>>207 can smile indefinitely without any discomfort, soreness, or pain
>>210
can change the wavelength of individual photons with their mind.
>>216 can make anyone say the word "neutrinos" out loud once every thirty minutes.
>>218 can change their flight path mid-fall through the rapid fire clenching and unclenching of their buttocks
>>225 can convince anybody that the voice on the TV is Robin Williams, no matter who it is.
>>228 can grow lunch lady arms and use them as retractable wings.
>>233 can transform quartz watches into mechanical watches and vice versa.
After the DVD format completely took over, >>235 mastered setting the clock used on VCRs.
>>237 can learn a person's deepest secrets by listening to them yodel.
>>238 knows the answers to questions immediately after they are relevant.
>>239 can tell if one is laying about whether they ate breakfast or not.
>>241 can temporarily access the full content of any book by ritually burning it.
>>244 can transmute used girls' underwear into pudding. The frillier the underwear, the sweeter the pudding.
>>247 instantly knows the exact volume of gas expelled every time someone farts nearby.
When seperated from his body, >>248's hair turns into spaghetti.
Whenever >>251 looks through a microscope, any living organism on the slide is instantly killed.
>>252 has to wear rad shades just like Scott Summers, but his eyes are only powerful enough for a laser pointer.
>>253 can make people in his presence slightly more predisposed to losing track of what time it is.
When playing Tetris, >>254 on average receives more squares and lines and fewer of the awkward shapes.
>>255 can sense the direction of the nearest sandwich, but not the distance.
>>256 involuntarily attracts moths in the same manner as a bright light.
>>257 knows how many brushes are in the world at any given time
>>258 attracts 1.5 times as many dwarves per migration wave in Dwarf Fortress.
>>261 can shapeshift into another version of himself that differs only in having a moustache.
>>266 can identify the exact temperature of butter from fifty feet away
>>267 can choose between skunk, dead fish, and rotten egg scents for his farts at will.
>>268 can telekinetically completely excise cancerous tumours, leaving no trace - but only if the patient is already dead.
>>271 can tell with 100% accuracy whether a post on the internet is sarcastic or not, but only if he never replies to it.
>>272 can turn any of their body parts into stone permanently
>>273 can transmute organic chemistry textbooks into inorganic chemistry textbooks and vice versa.
Thanks to >>274's high vitamin K levels, their wounds heal slightly faster than is usual.
If >>278 maintains skin contact with a person, they become unable to solve differential equations.
>>279 can digest their food 2 seconds faster if it was distributed by a company that begins with the letter X
>>281 can make penises run out of jizz twice as fast as normal
>>282 can make authority figures run out of patience twice as fast as normal.
if >>283 concentrates hard enough he can turn a casette tape into "in the aeroplane over the sea" for a short period of time, this power was really useful and would have saved the world in the 90s before he was born.
>>284 can change into a cute loli at will, but will always get fucked by a horse
>>288 can make any carbonated beverage go flat simply by looking at it.
>>289 can make himself irresistibly seductive to Polynesian investment bankers.
>>291 can left click by winking his left eye, right click by winking his right eye, and scroll by picking his nose.
When >>292 attempts to impersonate Sean Connery, he sounds just like Bane.
>>296 Has always been able to predict that some bullshit financing scheme will be created, and it will fuck up the economy, but the can't tell what that scheme is, or when that scheme unravels.
>>297 is always able to retain the ability to know what day of the week it is during long periods of unemployment
Upon meeting someone, >>298 can instantly tell whether or not they have any Mongolian ancestry.
Pocket calculators in >>300's possession work 1.5 times as fast.
At will, >>301 can cause his digestive system to push waste and food matter in the opposite direction for twelve hours.
>>302's nose hair, if pulled out and braided together, can function as an ethernet cable.
>>304 can change his facial features to those of Beavis or Butt-head at will.
>>308
Can transform 100 pennies into a dollar bill within 10 feet of an open bank.
>>311 has laser vision, but instead of firing out of his eyes the lasers fire into them, blinding him.
>>318 can grow armpit hair at will, but can't retract it back.
>>319 can smoke cigarettes without getting cancer, but was born with AIDs
>>321 can predict the future with perfect accuracy, but if he ever lets that knowledge influence his speech or actions in any degree, the future changes.
>>323 Can have anything he wants, so long as the item makes his life more miserable.
>>324 can enlarge penises at the cost of deadening their nerves for the duration of the enlargement.
>>326 can sort an array of integers in O(1) time, but they have to represent the number of apes in africa
>>329 can think of the funniest jokes but only after they've been broadcasted on TV.
>>332 Can detected if someone has PTSD by using the sound of bombs exploding loudly.
>333
Can induce PTSD using bombs.
>>335 can accurately measure the temperature of a flame by holding his hand over it for at least 30 seconds.
>>336 is a master of any instrument not in the same room as him.
>>337 can understand any language, but can only communicate by way of drum solo.
>>339 Can turn his blood into wine, but only while its in his body, and only in quantities of one liter at a time.
>>340 can shoot with extreme precision, but only when firing at 8-year olds.
>>341 is a master of knife combat, but only with butter knifes.
>>344 can melt ice by staring at it for long enough in a warm room.
>>348 can shapeshift into a small pebble at will. He cannot shapeshift back into a human, however.
>>350 can teleport anywhere without atmosphere. He doesn't get to keep anything on him he wasn't born with.
>>351 can shoot laser beams from his eyes, but only if there are already laser beams of equal or greater intensity shining into his eyes.
>>352 can telepathically convey the exact time to any cat he looks into the eyes of.
>>353 can seduce a snake of any species. This ability may only be used once.
>>354 can arrange colours in order of their bit-shifted RGB value
>>355 can pass any Ishihara test with a perfect score, despite being severely colourblind.
>>356 can ossify all his cartilage in response to a high dose of radiation.
>>357 can hypnotize rats to make them hypnotize other rats. This is the only thing the rats can do.
>>358 can learn the exact location of a random fly somewhere within 5 miles by swallowing a live toad whole.
>>359
Can transform into a a toad. A normal toad. His mind, obviously, is also turned into that of the toad, since you could never fit a human brain in a toad body.
>>360
can change any kind of bread into any other kind of bread, just by touching it.
>>361 can figure the favorite cheese of any person by looking into their eyes for 5 minutes
>>362 can accurately predict the winner of previously recorded sports events
>>363 was born with the complete memory of his mother's life up to the point that he was born
When >>364 gets stung by a bee, his skin looks like he was stung by multiple bees.
>>365 can summon swarms of bees at will but they only sting him
>>366 is invisible and unhearable for 5 minutes after breaking any bone in his body
>>367 can convince anyone that she has superpowers, even though she doesn't.
>>369 can type at up to 140 words per minute only using his toes
>>370 can completely and permanently erase himself from existence at will.
>>377 can bring drawings to life, but only if they're drawings of flightless birds done entirely with 9XXB pencils.
>>379 can tell apart Heliconius melpomene and Heliconius erato from a kilometre away with perfect accuracy.
>>380 Knows how many factories are making awful products in China with an accuracy of +/- 5%.
>>382 causes pandas to spontaneously combust upon making eye contact with them.
>>384 emits a strong but nonspecific aura of shame and regret at all times.
>>385 can stop bullets with the power of his mind, but only ones aimed at his left foot.
>>386 can draw create artisic masterpieces, when drawing onto a mahogany desk with a pink crayon.
When >>387 photographs cats and uploads them to the internet, they are 20% more stupid than the average cat photo.
>>388 can insert spurious words in others' sentences so they look like resemble an editing mistake.
>>390 can use any computer's keyboard as if it were Dvorak-style.
>>391
Can give perfect advice to anyone who'll stubbornly refuse to listen to it.
>>392 can punch holes in paper using a stapler and staple paper together using a hole punch.
>>394 gains superhuman strength for 10 minutes when he sees a swan for the first time each year. It must be a real swan.
>>395 Can determine how much regular people will like a movie based on how much negative press the New York Times gives it.
>>396 can read people's minds, but only if they're thinking in a language he doesn't understand.
>>398 Always leaves skidmarks in the toilet when he takes a crap.
>>399 changes the channel of any TV he's watching every time he blinks.
>>402 can ask for extra green onion without being noticed by the cashier.
>>403 can walk at the exact speed of an alligator snapping turtle.
>>404
automatically knows the ending of any movie he's never seen before
>>405 gains five minutes of clairvoyance every time one of his limbs is amputated.
>>406 can predict if the person they're talking to is about to make a bad pun
>>407 can see through stained glass as though it was clear glass.
>>413 can pass any scholastic examination by learning the answers ahead of time.
>>414 has unbreakable blood. His skin and his blood vessels are normal, though.
>>415 farts noxious gas when somebody tries to grab him into a choke-hold.
>>416 can tell the exact day and time a carbonated beverage was canned
>>417 can tell the ingredients of shit, as long as it is between 3 and 4 weeks old.
>>418 fills his lungs with twice the carcinogens that a normal smoker fills their lungs with.
>>419 can accelerate plant growth by staring at it unblinking.
>>422 can manipulate the weak nuclear force in an area 1" around himself.
>>424 Can detect the most microscopic type of microaggression.
>>425 has the power to kill anybody he wants without getting caught as long as they are on their deathbed.
>>428 can use a dial-up internet connection and make a phone call on the same phone line at the same time
>>429 can infect himself with any deadly disease just by thinking about it.
>>430 can instantly calculate the number of anuses in any given space.
>>431 can predict whenever dubs will appear in a thread, though he never is the one to actually get the dubs.
>>434 can tell whether a food or drink is fairtrade or not by taste alone.
>>435 can lift all the crumbs from the carpet, but cannot transport them.
>>437 can sleep for days at a time, and still be tired when they wake up
>>439 can orient any USB cable the right way without looking 60% of the time.
>>442 can summon newborn puppies and make them do his bidding.
>>443 Can make a skunk spray its deadly odor without making it angry first.
>>444 can eat sewing needles without experiencing any adverse effects.
>>445 has the power to reserve a seat at any fast food restaurant, but only past 8 pm
>>449 can mimic the sound of a woodpecker by clicking his teeth together extremely fast.
>>450 can make predictions that are guaranteed to be wrong most of the time.
When walking barefoot on sand, >>451's footprints glow in the dark.
>>452 has a powerful gravitational field that only affects bird shit in a 50 yard radius
>>455 can perfectly aim rifles, if the scope is mounted the wrong way
>>456 can temporarily forget his own crippling loneliness for up to thirty seconds at a time.
>>457 can control all the dust bunnies inside his room at will.
>>458 can make a generation of dumb single moms to give birth to another generation of dumb single moms.
>>459 can reduce the spiciness of curry by blowing on it repeatedly.
>>460
Can be hit by lightning and live, but it only works once.
>>461 can alter the growth rate of his facial hair at will, up to an impressive one millimeter per hour.
>>462 can convert holy water back into normal water by waving his hand over it and reciting the Lord's Prayer backwards.
>>463 can wear shades in the dark without it negatively affecting their vision
>>464 can swap their earwax with their bogeys internally by way of pirouette.
>>469 can, thrice per day, temporarily (1d10 seconds) make opponents confused as to which thread they're in.
>>470 can live indefinitely as a panda believing it's a human without ever succumbing to cognitive dissonance.
>>471 can ejaculate low-fat salad dressing on the third Tuesday of every month.
>>473 at all times knows the exact perpendicular distance between himself and the nearest panda. Curiously, the distance is always zero, even if he isn't around any pandas.
>>475 can use literally any possible object as a bottle opener.
>>477 was bitten by a radioactive panda and gained the superhuman powers of digesting raw bamboo and not breeding.
>>478 Can make himself look like a comic book villain by applying toxic chemicals to his skin.
>>482 can cure a lactose intolerant person for 30 minutes after having sex with them.
>>483 can pass off incredibly useful superpowers as being largely useless
>>486 doesn't need to defecate. All of the waste he produces extrudes from his oral cavity.
>>488 can read people's minds, but only if they're thinking about muesli.
>>490 doesn't need to look both ways before crossing the street
>>491 can convince anyone that he is Bosnian, in spite of any and all evidence to the contrary.
>>492 can read instruction manuals at lighting speed but only when he doesn't need to read the instructions
>>493 can think of creative useless superpowers for small internet forums
>>494 can suck on as many lemons as he wants without succumbing to the tartness.
>>495 can get away with using normal toothpicks instead of cocktail picks
When >>496 mixes any two colours of paint together it always makes a dark green colour
>>498 can communicate telepathically with the dust mites living on his eyelashes.
>>502 Can perfectly recite the history of BBS in one rant at any time, so long as there is someone who is listening to the whole thing.
>>503 can play vinyl records between their butt cheeks.
>>505 can perform automatic lobotomies, but only on gumby figures made before the year 2003
>>507 can turn invisible, but only to light frequencies in the microwave spectrum.
>>508 can pass through here, but only if he asks for permission first.
>>509 can pass through air, even without asking permission!