[Advice] DQN-kun's Advice Column [DQN] (23)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 06:57 ID:36PeWhq1 This thread was merged from the former /love/ board. You can view the archive here.

　　　　 　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　　　 　　/（●）（●） 　　ask me any question about love and romance!
　　　　 　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　　I offer only the best advice!
　　　　 　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　
　　　　 　 //　| |　 　　　　
　　　　 　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　
　_,,..-―'"⌒"~￣"~⌒ﾞﾞ"★　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
ﾞ~,,,....-=-‐√"ﾞﾞＴ"~￣Y"ﾞ=ﾐ
Ｔ　　|　　 l,＿,,/＼　,,/l　　|
,.-r '"l＼,,j　　/　 |/　 L,,,/
,,/|,／＼,/　_,|＼_,i_,,,/ ／
_V＼　,,/＼,| 　,,∧,,|_/

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 07:49 ID:ZubsSalm

How do I procure a girlfriend? All my life I've been lonely and disinterested in company.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 08:08 ID:cTIs6++1

How do I get rid of a girlfriend? All my life I've been bothered by various women I procure only to satisfy vague, repressed desires of sibling affection, though ultimately I prefer isolation and am disinterested in company.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 08:13 ID:dTCr8a9w

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●） 　　Well, >>2, it's quite simple. First you gotta buy a whole bunch of eggs.
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　Brown eggs, white eggs, free-range, doesn't matter.
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　Then go to a place girlfriends hang out, like a desert or an abandoned mine shaft.
　 //　| |　 　　　　What you've gotta do is throw these eggs really far into the sky. Straight up. Throw as many as you can as fast you can.
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　 　　　　Then you've gotta run around chanting the secret girlfriend chant.★
Even if no girlfriends appear, it might help you learn to enjoy being alone. Next question!

★ SECRET　GIRLFRIEND CHANT (to the tune of "Yankee Doodle")
Girlfriend girlfriend come on now!
Time to keep me comp'ny!
Crawl out of the girlfriend tomb
strip off your clothes and hump me!
All I need is someone else,
Somebody to love me,
I don't even care if you're
Quite stupid, fat, and ugly!

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 08:17 ID:dTCr8a9w

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●） 　　>>3, great news! You can just follow the advice in >>2
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 But instead sing the secret antigirlfriend chant.★
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　Isn't life grand?
　 //　| |　 　　　　
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　 　　　　

★ SECRET ANTIGIRLFRIEND CHANT (sung to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb")

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH aaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh HAHAHAHAHA ahahhahahHOOUROGURGORUHGORURGHORRO HUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ahhhhh HAAAAAA GROUGROUGOURGOURGOU haaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa
aHAHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 08:41 ID:NMdeoNGo

How do I get a boyfriend? Besides crossdressing, going into the desert and waiting for >>2 to start chanting, I mean.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 08:52 ID:cTIs6++1

>>5
Thanks, dokyun! I plan on trying this out in a few days. I'll tell you how it goes!

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 12:20 ID:dTCr8a9w

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●） 　　>>6, I hate to break it to you, but boyfriends don't exist anymore. They went extinct in 1300BC
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 during the infamous Uncivil Radish Massacre. You'll have to instead settle for a male friend with
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　exclusive relationship benefits. To get one of these rare MFwERBs, first make your abode more attractive by
　 //　| |　 　　　　making a cologne from your sweat and spraying it on your doorstep every day. Eventually a potential
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　 MFwERB will knock on your door, at which point you can play video games together. Let him choose the first game.
If he chooses an RPG, you're in business! Otherwise consult the game manual for further instructions.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 14:47 ID:UQp7j78y

DQN-kun, what are good foods and drinks to consume to quickly replenish fluids in-between lovemaking sessions?

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 15:29 ID:d2vJ1vki

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●） 　　>>9, marinara sauce is a tasty beverage. burp
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　
　 //　| |　 　　　　
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 17:10 ID:ZubsSalm

DQN-kun! DQN-kun! >>2 here, I have a question! Is marinara sauce any good for keeping myself properly hydrated in a desert? I wouldn't want to die on my adventure, you know!

Thankyou in advance.wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-11 21:38 ID:BRdvNQ7/

[No]

I have a feeling that a certain girl I know is interested in me, romantically. How do I break it to her that she has one too many dimensions?

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-12 09:17 ID:cTIs6++1

>>5
I actually did that and now I'm romantically available once again!

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-13 22:49 ID:dTCr8a9w

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　　　>>11, it's a myth that you need to stay hydrated! I always try to keep
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 　myself at optimal dehydration (80%). Marinara sauce helps but you
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　 should also bring some beef jerky. That will keep you alive and dehydrated.
　 //　| |　 　　　　
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　　　>>12, I know exactly where you're coming from. It's frustrating to deal with girls that keep changing from day to day.
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　　But fear not! If you like her other dimensions you can simulate removing the fourth one through petrification. There are
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　all sorts of ways of petrifying girls but finding a basilisk or medusa head is probably the easiest. SOLID ADVICE!
　 //　| |　 　　　　
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　 　

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-14 03:28 ID:KpXVEzRM

How does one go about making an anime/manga character real, and making her fall in love with me?

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-01-17 07:40 ID:j57RZtQz

DQN-kun! All the women I know make me wish I were a homosexual. Where do I find the kind of woman for me?

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-06-07 11:43 ID:Qr5E/zTQ

DQN-kuuun~★!
How do I chat up a cute girl who works in a library? Or more importantly where do I find another one? Things didn't go well last time...

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-06-07 23:12 ID:ENZfgW8N

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　　　>>15, you've got it all wrong! Instead of making her real, you have to make yourself fictional.
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 　Try writing a short novel about yourself and your potential waifu.
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　
　 //　| |　 　　　　>>16, you should read more visual novels.
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　 　>>17, cute librarian girls are an elusive race. Once they've nested in a library, however, they
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　　rarely leave, so search any libraries you find thoroughly. They may be found hanging from the rafters
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　or nestled behind bookshelves. As for chatting them up, here are a few potential topics of conversation:
　 //　| |　 　　　　The weather, Stalinism, fluid mechanics, gynaecology, the Jacobian conjecture.
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ　

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2015-09-25 02:51 ID:5LFNsvpr

Hey DQN-kun, how do I go about getting myself a friends-with-benefits? I don't know how to breach the subject!

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2015-12-20 08:36 ID:dYXwtzR6

Hey DQN-kun, how do I become a masculine super alpha male?

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2017-08-17 05:29 ID:iKJPam0v

　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　　　>>19, they say "if you want a friend-with-benefits,
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 　be a friend-with-benefits." Start a new benefit system
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　 with your friend by giving them a card and stamping it
　 //　| |　 　　　　every time you see them. When they get 10 stamps you fuck.
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ


　　　／⌒ヽ　　　　
　　/（●）（●）　　　
　　|　ﾄｪｪｪｲ/　　 　>>20 MARINARA SAUCE
　　| /｀ﾆﾆ´　　　　
　 //　| |　 　
　Ｕ　 .Ｕ

22 Post deleted.

23 Name: Billard Quross : 2017-10-17 16:22 ID:lBhhciY3

hey anon-kun i fell in love with a kangaroo how should i approach him UWU

“If you're afraid - don't do it, - if you're doing it - don't be afraid!”

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