I have a really shameful confession to make. I'm a grown man who does not know how to look after himself. I cannot cook much, I am too weak and tired to exercise, and I am an emotional wreck. I've been in care multiple times because of issues growing up without support, now I am a grown man in the adult world. I don't know how to look after my body or my mind. I smell and I look disgusting. My life is a mess. I am always alone and have no friends at all. My father moved away when I was very young and I have been living by myself in shared or supported housing. Sometimes I am working, sometimes not.
I am wondering if I should go back to supported housing. I hate myself for it but what can I do? I barely have enough money to survive and my house is always cold. Even though I do not work always, I cannot relax and always have self-destructive thoughts in my head, and the stress of being by myself 24/7 causes chest pains, and my confidence goes even lower. The doctor always ignores me and maybe I think he thinks I am a wreck for good. I'm 30 and never had a girlfriend. I embarrass myself in public because I am very lonely. I hate how this has happened because I never wanted to be a useless person. Sometimes I look on the internet for help or local support groups but there is nothing (except for normal people who do not understand what it is to feel like this). People look at me like I am crazy, I am not a crazy man but I have been alone for many years and do not know what to do. It is very painful and I hate myself. I am always cussing at myself. I am not elderly, on drugs, a parent or anything, I am just The Pathetic man. Look at me everyone. Look at the grown up man who is always sick and can't look after himself.
I'm kind of the same, OP. I'm only 20, and my situation isn't as bad as yours, but I'm completely unable to take care of myself. I'm always afraid of everything, to the point that I can't leave the house or open my mail for fear something terrible will happen. Throughout my childhood my mother did everything for me, so I don't really know how to do basic things like talk to strangers and be responsible for anything. I've spent most of my life as a shut-in and I was pulled out of school in the 8th grade, so I have no social skills and I'm awful in school. I've been abandoned or betrayed by almost everyone I've ever trusted or cared about, so I have trouble trusting people and telling the truth about my problems as well.
I kind of have an excuse, I have schizoaffective disorder and severe OCD, but I still feel like I'm a complete failure and utterly useless. I really just want someone who will take care of me and make me feel safe again. I can't trust my own thoughts, so it would be nice if there was someone I could trust to tell me what to do with myself. I haven't been truly content with my life since I was 10. Even if I'm physically an adult, I'm still basically at the developmental level of a child.
What's wrong with you? What's your excuse? Where'd your life go wrong? Why don't you do anything about, well, anything at all?
Hi Pathetic Man, I can understand that you are enduring massive amounts of pain because of your self-hate and boredom, I have known similar circumstances. Let me suggest you a way out of your predicament:
What you need is to slowly change your lifestyle and acquire the proper skills to raise your autonomy and self-confidence. Just realize that you need to have very modest goals, take your time, and be deadly serious and consistent about it. It takes months of repeated practice for new habits to set in. What you need to do first is modify your daily routine into a more healthy and sustainable one. Stick to a strict timetable, the same whether you work or not (don't oversleep during the week ends). Give yourself enough time to sleep (something like 7 hours), so that by 23-24 you are in your bet with lights out, and that you get out of bed at 6-7, every single day of the week. To achieve this, you must cease any activity at 22h, so that you are calm enough to start sleeping at 23, for instance. It may take you a long time and effort to manage that routine, but you need to be very strict about it.
Get used to go out of your place three times a week for one to one hour and a half. You can stroll in your neighborhood, go around town, use a bycicle, whatever. Just do it systematically, and try to find the best times in your schedule to fit that activity. Once this habit is entrenched, you can start to use that time to jog, swim, whatever sports activity that suits you. But be certain to always move out of your place those three times a week, always at the same days, same hours. Be fanatical about that ritual.
Choose one half a day in your week to do your house chores. During that time, clean your place, wash your clothes, make sure your kitchen is clean. Always reserve the same day and time to do that activity, and never, ever allow yourself to do anything other than house keeping during that time.
Same for shopping: reserve about three hours in your week to do your shopping. Keep a shopping list, so that you don't forget stuff when you do go out shopping.
If you manage to keep all that up, your doing good, and being less of a pathetic man. You should then think about going to the next level, which is to start cooking. Cooking is a very important skill. It's a way of relating to others, and essential to keep yourself healthy. You can't do well if you eat shit. Cooking can be very simple or very challenging, it all depends on what you want to do. And it's very nice to eat tasty food, so it's a skill that really repays itself (not to mention that it saves money). You should start with very modest goals: cook extremely simple food, and learn to keep good logistics (know how much to buy so that stuff does not rot in your fridge, what to buy and when so that you have what you need when you are cooking). There are plenty of nice videos on the internet that show you how to cook, starting from basics. Learn from them. Start simple and healthy, read about what's a good diet (lot's of fruits, vegetables, etc), and devise something that is good for you and that you like to eat. As you start to get more experience, you can become more ambitious, and perhaps even buy a little more hardware. It will probably take a year for you to cook decently, so don't rush, but be consistent. Your goal should be to eat as little processed food as possible, and cook stuff that is tasty and healthy. You will be doing good when you do not buy processed food anymore (pizzas, etc), and are not afraid of cooking for others. Because it's often considered harder to cook for oneself than for others, you should consider starting a cooking journal, where you write down what worked or failed, and start developing your interests. Cooking is a necessity, but can also be a rewarding hobby.
If you manage all that, you won't be a pathetic man anymore. Remember that people can only like you if you manage to like yourself enough to care for yourself. So learn the ropes, and have fun doing so
OP here,
>>2
Hi, that is a sad story. But I'm not in the mentality that anyone should look after me. I am posting because I have real problems finding help about survival skills, but I'm beyond explaining myself as depressed or having a psychiatric label. And you're not at the development level of a child. Those are called psychopaths: Try to imagine living with someone who does not accept you exist.
>>3
I have no excuse, leave me alone.
>>4
Thank you for your advice. I'll try to follow it as best as I can. I don't want to be pathetic anymore so it's hopeful to have your help.
You might consider starting with rice. It's incredibly easy to make, tastes good, is good for you, inexpensive, and it can be used in a huge number of recipes. Brown rice will probably be a better choice to start with, as it's less expensive and is better for you than white rice. You might want to get beans or legumes of some sort as well, as they're a good, inexpensive source of protein that goes well with rice.
one small advice here, make mistakes, a lot of them, enjoy making mistakes, it's ok if you did not do something right from the first time, at least you did something and learned one way not-to-do-it, try to enjoy changing yourself instead of looking at it as challenge, and last, don't over-think anything, doing things is more important.
This weblog might help, http://zenhabits.net
>>5
Grown men with the developmental level of children are called 'autistics', actually.
This may sound superficial. But I think something you can do in the shortest term that will have the greatest effect is to make yourself presentable every day. This makes you feel decent about yourself and reduces the barriers you feel to going outdoors and interacting with others. Personally, if I have gotten properly dressed, that is all I require of myself in a day. Anything extra I do, I consider gravy.
Practically speaking ... Make sure you have a few clean, decent clothes. Wash your face and hands and brush your teeth twice every day. Shower, shave or trim your beard, and wash your hair at least every other day. Brush your hair and arrange it neatly. If you keep your hair short, get it trimmed at least every six weeks. If it's long, tie it neatly back in a ponytail.
More detail about having a few clean, decent clothes ... You need to do laundry once a week and have enough clean clothes to wear between laundry days. This means, eight pairs each of underwear and socks and eight T-shirts. You wear these all fresh every day. Plus three pairs of pants. You wear a fresh pair of pants every two or three days. Plus a comfortable pair of shoes. And if you live in a cold climate, a sweater and a coat. This doesn't have to be complicated. You can choose classics and multiples of the same item. All solid black T-shirts, bluejeans, black socks, and black sneakers would be fine.
Hope this helps a bit!
>>4
>>6
>>7
>>9
Hello and thanks for your advice. It has taken me some time but I am now able to cook for myself, I am regularly exercising and grooming. I am able to take care of myself a lot better. This is a very big step for me and this is one of the first times I've had practical advice on how not to be pathetic. Living to a schedule is very hard though.
It's funny how I've noticed how everyone considers me as pathetic. Self-delusion is how I've coped with growing up. Everyone can see that too, and I was complicit in it, but didn't take it seriously. People are more than happy to watch me walk around in self-deceit. It's all become a big game. I spend my entire day looking at stupid self help articles or mental illness pages. How did it get to this stage? I might have been persuaded to have chosen to be pathetic, but it was still my choice. Now I've nothing to give. I don't even feel like a person. All I want to do is cry, but wouldn't that be selfish? I don't think I can even be selfish. How would I know if I'm even telling the truth? This has been going on all my life. It's just endless pretending. But I made myself this. Aren't I getting what I deserve, so why should I get to privilege to cry? I could have been anything but I blew it. I can't bare this.
you condition have you been dianosed as having?
it's possible you only need routine therapy.either monthly or weekly.disabled people have no business posting in a forum or ona site wherein the only replies come from people who answer as though they're preteens. you need therapy and the correct medication.and someone who will listen without being intimidating.
So happy I'm not alone in this. It keeps occurring to me I can't do simple tasks like wash clothes, but that's because nobody ever taught me. It's not as if my mum has spoonfed me my entire life, but she just does everything herself. Even if I insist on helping, she just says she can manage alone.
It's amazing and depressing to think that boys used to become men at half my age.
I'm still a minor but just know this: Reading this has made me reflect on my own life a lot more seriously than I do usually, I too lack those basic skills and I hope things work out for the both of us.
>>12
Why would you assume that he's mentally disabled? Mentally disabled people can't really use computers all too well. If anything it's his parents fault for where he's at, they obviously didn't teach him how to do things like most people's parents do. Anxiety and depression also seem to factor into this equation, I assure you that those two things are not signs of mental retardation, they're actually signs of great intelligence.
Hello, just wondering of the man that first posted this is still around? I am in a similar position to you and think it would be helpful to both of us to chat...
RayRay
It's lovely to see people giving advice to this 'dear' man - who was so honest about his situation.
I have spent a lifetime working for and looking after others - and made a good job of it, having built up large businesses solely to help and look after other people, I made no money for myself but gave any I had to my children
Now I am retired and old - unable to anything for others and spend all my time wrestling with my body and mind to look after
myself
I just wish somone had talked to me when I was young how to look after myself - and to know that I am as important as anyone else in this world - despite the regular feedback I had from my parents that I was of 'no use to this world and never will be'. I proved them wrong, I was of great use to others, now i just have to concentrate on undoing that negativity I was fed and feed myself with good positive thoughts to get some pleasure from these twilight years.
Positive thoughts is what's needed. I was led to this free course online that set me on my feet.
I promise that this will fix youhttp://www.psitek.net/pages/PsiTekTMKS1.html
God Bless You All
I am 25, live alone, and I can't support myself financially, despite my best efforts and intentions. I have spent years dutifully improving my ability to live on my own, in the sense of the taking care of ones living body, and immediate environment, and you know, it has been terribly hard at times to live amongst the human race. I forced myself to find methods to everything, and repeat them, and engrain it, until I could naturally do something such as go out to buy groceries, whether or not I'm having a good day, or a bad month. I may go at weirder hours, to avoid the crowds, and I may be unable to pass it from my mind for a long time when the cashier is a dick to me, and I'm always, always doing it by myself (everything by myself), but I can get it done.
My greatest boon was starting to cook my own dinner, daily, or as often as I could, being a teen living at home at the time, from the age of, I don't know, 17 or 18ish.
[19-23 sees my life flayed apart, damaging many things for an unknown time to come]
Since moving out (BEING moved out by parents...), I've had to rely on myself for everything except the rent, which many things have come together to highly diminish my ability to actually pay, which is a shame. It's another thing entirely, but I've tried working, hard, at least, before concluding that my basic ego-sustaining behaviors are often unacceptable and viewed as objectional by society at large.
I can remember some of the very thoughts I had, growing up, before something tripped, and it all went downhill, but let me state this to any isolated, lonesome, underappreciated, underacknowledged individual who may be reading:
As close as I've felt I've come, at times, to dying off completely, maybe even literally, even if you have no faith in yourself, hurt yourself, or worse, you can still cause growth and betterment, with a careful examination of what needs to be done, the simplest way to go about it, and repetition of the act. Recite it to yourself, if you must, with only the walls to hear you.
I wasn't trying to do anything specific, wasn't particularly "resolved" to do this or that...this stuff just needed to get done, and I am universally bound to view every moment of life from only my own two eyes, staring out of my brain, inside of my body, for the entirety of my life. I won't ever occupy another body, healthier or worse-off. This is the only way that things exist from this boat of perception which I am inexorably within.
Also, here:
3/4 cup parboiled rice - bring pot of water on stove to a boil, add rice, stirring right away to reduce clumps, and then occasionally, adding more water if much of it boils off, straining when rice tests as desired. [TOTAL TIME: 26 MINUTES]
1/2 dozen frozen boxed chicken strips - OVENS VARY: I set my oven to 420, and put the tray of frozen strips in right away, setting the timer for 34 minutes. They thaw/cook as the oven heats up, so no pre-heating to think about. 34 minutes from start, and they can only be done. [TOTAL TIME: 34 MINUTES]
carrots, celery, green peppers - chopped, set aside. beansprouts, too. [TOTAL TIME: 6 MINUTES]
1x each of: botle of soy sauce, bottle of teriyaki sauce, black pepper, chili powder, curry powder.
A wok, or something similar in nature.
bottle of vegetable oil.
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I start to boil the water for the rice, first, and once the rice is in the water, I put the tray of strips in the oven. The rice is done cooking soonest.
When the chicken strips are nearing completion in the oven, I pour some vegetable oil into my wok, and heat it, until water spits when flecked upon the hot oil. The vegetables are added, with some soy sauce, and dry spices, and mixed. The chicken is now done, so the strips are removed from the oven, sliced, and along with some teriyaki sauce, they are mixed into the vegetables. Vegetables, chicken, spices, and sauces are friends.
The cooked rice on a plate forms a bed for the stir fry, and this recipe makes enough for 2x plates of food.
I have lived a pathetic, isolated life, and this is some of the most deliciously variable cookery that has sustained me. I have eaten this hundreds upon hundreds of times, swapping ingredients in/out as required.
I also do the dirty dishes as they are made, so while cooking, I'm actually cleaning at the same time, and when I'm done eating, there's usually only the "last" dish or two left to do.
Good luck; I love you all, but we'll probably never meet.