Hi, girl from India here. I'm 21.
I hope what I write makes sense:
I've been single since forever, since birth actually.
I don't feel like committing as of now since I'm studying my MA abroad, and I'm steadily losing hope if anyone is ever going to come by. And I don't seem to be having any luck finding someone I want to be with.
Now, I'm a virgin, and lately I've started to think about sex.
I used to attribute sex to after-marriage, to wanted to save myself for the 'special someone' but now it seems like a pointless wait of self-deprivation.
I am pulled by debates of Slut and Sexual freedom.
The Master key, shitty lock debate. Wondering why morals should be entwined with Sexuality.
I've been worried since the beginning of November.
In addition, the only things stopping me are:
Side notes:
I'd like some advice and answers so I have clarity and decide on something properly.
P.S: I can't post in the Sexuality board since it's blocked in my University.
Well the sexuality board was deleted anyway, so it's okay!
What exactly is your question? Should you or should you not have sex before marriage? If that's your question then I would say yes, because it is possible you like who someone is, but then be just plain sexually incompatible with them. So then you are married to someone who you can't make love to enjoyably.
On the word "slut", having a "friends-with-benifets" relationship with someone does not make you a slut. A "slut" is someone who fucks with any and every stud on campus at the drop of a hat, without even knowing who they are. So don't worry about that.
Honestly, I think people should be able to do what they want sexually. Do what you want. You can occasionally have sex with someone you know without even remotely coming close to being a what is known as a slut.
Oh, and having sex and making love are two different things. If/when you fall in love with someone, having sex with them is a whole other beast.
With the family thing, I don't really have an answer for you here. You can still get married while being a virgin. The vast majority of people do. It's not like it's impossible. You can lie to them, but like you said you don't want to. You could be brave and tell them that you're going to not have your sex life dictated by them, and then they will just have to get mad and deal with it. It sounds like the culture you live in has one idea about sexuality, and you have your own. There is no real right or wrong answer on this point. Ultimately, it's your choice.
It's just that I'm really torn between thoughts.
I always thought of saving up for 'the special one' or something. But it doesn't look like I'm having any luck in that department at all. And as much as people say 'Aww that's sweet' I'm starting to think it's a pointless wait offlate. And being frisky doesn't help.
This shitty Heart of mine feels it to be like a Christmas present only 'he' will unwrap (and 'he' doesn't look like he's gonna show up)
At the same time, it feels like I'm just torturing myself with deprivation, and I'm only being abstinent by the singular fears of being devalued if I'm not a virgin.
Here's what scares me - say, if I did lose my virginity, and then I start to see someone, would he just overlook every other aspect of my kindness/awesomeness/niceness, because of some...ruptured layer? Because I had sex before?
Like, everything would be going fine till he finds out I'm not a virgin and perhaps he'd not like me as much (and leave) or something?
I'm hearing various points of view, like some say they're okay if the girl isn't a virgin, and some don't seem okay.
I don't know what they truly think.
You know what I think, Grey?
I think everyone should just go do what they want without being judged. Happy sexytime for everyone!
No worries, no anxieties.
Like, 'Yes he had sex, she had sex. They ALL had sex'
So, since all would've had sex...noone would have stupid possession issues or insecurity worries.
It will solve a LOT of things- No more Slut-shaming. No Judging. And no GUILT.
>This shitty Heart of mine feels it to be like a Christmas >present only 'he' will unwrap (and 'he' doesn't look like he's >gonna show up)
You talk about it like it's magic or somthing. Be real. You're not going to have some special perfect someone appear at your doorstep after years of searching the world for you. You meet people in your daily life, you meet someone you like a bit more than others, you hit it off, maybe you'll fall in love. If not, the cylce repeats. That's how it works.
>Here's what scares me - say, if I did lose my virginity, and >then I start to see someone, would he just overlook every >other aspect of my kindness/awesomeness/niceness, because of >some...ruptured layer? Because I had sex before?
>Like, everything would be going fine till he finds out I'm not >a virgin and perhaps he'd not like me as much (and leave) or >something?
For this problem there really is no other way to know than you dig up some info on the guy beforehand. Ask about him to people who might know him. See if he's the type to be like that. If he appears to be safe, go for it.
>You know what I think, Grey?
>I think everyone should just go do what they want without >being judged. Happy sexytime for everyone!
>No worries, no anxieties.
>Like, 'Yes he had sex, she had sex. They ALL had sex'
>So, since all would've had sex...noone would have stupid >possession issues or insecurity worries.
>It will solve a LOT of things- No more Slut-shaming. No >Judging. And no GUILT.
Hahahaha, yeah, that might be nice.
I lost it in the morning of New Year. It was a friend. I wasn't too close to him but there. I was tipsy, I remember saying no (because I am waiting for someone else...will write that later), but my writhing spoke otherwise. He tried to kiss me before that but I avoided, but things just happened. I didn't think it would go that far though.
But aright now, all I feel is guilt. I couldn't sleep on the way back in the bus. I cried. I can't sleep right now.
I feel heavy. All these days I avoided something like this. I would rant like I did up there, but I preferred to stay safe. But here I am in a position I never imagined myself to be.
This was the message I sent right after it happened to one friend who I trust in these matters:
"As of last night. I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. I don't think it's broken though it was put in me. Maybe it wasn't even there, but anyway- I only felt bad I couldn't keep the promise I had to the B'lore lad of waiting, but I think it was better I had this happen, because I would've been more clueless than I thought. I am still planning to actually lose it to him.
Besides, like you said- it is better if I just had someone who I was just plain comfortable and sexually compatible with.
Here's the thing: I finally found peace of mind. I don't feel that strange weight on my shoulders anymore.
It seems like my inner debates from a couple of months ago have all disappeared.
All those debates of 'finding the one' and all that.
I feel a strange sense of responsibility, and grown-up ness.
A feeling of importance and freedom"
(Contd.)
There was a lad back at home in a town close to mine, who I've been talking to everyday, We aren't official or anything but we like each other, but aren't seeking relationships.
We always talk and just end the day with each other.
We said we'd wait till we met, I was going to be his first kiss. I remember telling him long back I didn't want any other man in the way because it would be mindfuck.
Apart from the first kiss. I wished I had lost it to him, but I only told him that after what happened.
When I told him what happened, he said nothing was gonna change, and I still have a place in his heart.
I may sound strange when I say this, but I think if I make love to the lad back at home it feels to me like a door to salvation.
I don't know what more to write.
Here are some random excerpts from convos with that close friend of mine:
-I protested when he wanted to put it in me, but it seemed I wanted it too much.
-well after we came back from the club, at home...he put it in be but it hurt. Then we slept and said we'd do it in the morning. And he did. I was half-half about it. But i remember bucking my hips to meet his thrusts at one point.
well after we came back from the club, at home...he put it in me but it hurt. Then we slept and said wed do it in the morning. And he did. I was half-half about it. But i remember bucking my hips to meet his thrusts at one point.
I'm scared, I don't know if I should (tell the other-town lad, lets call him S). It might hurt him and i would lose him, and I love him far too much to have that happen.
-My vag is still smarting a little. On and off.
-It gone not even to the guy i intended to give it to. It felt so wrong and right. It so hard to tell.
I dont know. S and I spoke everyday, and wanted to meet. And then, here i am, a sinner.
I will post the convo with S later. I just got limited by characters and I feel tired since I haven't slept.
Damn I posted so much in despair. Well it should give an outline. It's not the losing that bothers, it's how and who I lost it to. I didn't even like that guy in that way.
All these years I knew about those kind of guys and just kept away from losing it in the most awful way possible, and ultimately the the exact thing happens. It what saddens me,
I wish the memories of that night would just stop replaying.
On the other hand, I told S this, and he says it's not going to change the fact he holds me close, and that I'd always be the same to him and that I was brave to tell him what happened.
We talked last night. This message I sent to another friend would sum up what happened:
"He brought it up when friends ask him as 'How's your girl?'. And 'What are we? We're a couple?'
And a confession happened today. Just like that.
He likes me. We talked about why we both were scared...careers, not wanting to cause pain...all that. Told him I liked him.
And we didn't decide on anything but I'm gonna lose it to him :')
I'm gonna be born again. I'm so overjoyed.
Still a little regretful...but not in tears.
Also if nothing works out by the time I'm 30, we talked about living together.
I wish memories of that 'fateful night' would just fade away once I make love to S.
I really do"
Pff im 30 and still a virgin no problem
Freakin lightweight
You're over thinking this, I believe. You're waaay over complicating something that's is really not that complicated.
Just relax.