Hello~ First some details: I live at my college, but I have to go back to my dad's house during breaks. My mom lives separately for work reasons, but she visits my dad every month or two.
I have some problems. My dad has emotionally and verbally abused me for all of my life (19 years), to the point that I've thought on many occasions that it'd be better to just commit suicide. Because of him, I have a low self-esteem, extreme mood swings, and more than a couple mental disorders. I went to a psychiatrist who said there's a good chance I have PTSD, but I moved soon after and haven't had a chance to get it confirmed yet.
Lately I've been trying to avoid my dad so I don't have panic attacks or get suicidal again, but my mom has been telling me it's rude and immature to avoid him because he's my father. I told her about the psychiatrist, and she let me stay at her apartment for the rest of the break.
But then we had to go back to my dad's house for a few days, and she spent the entire time trying to force me to socialize with him, insisting they talked about it and he'd stop being abusive. He didn't stop at all, but my mom didn't seem to notice. She says it's my fault for not being nice to him, and I'm only distressed because I'm overreacting on my own.
So my issue is this: Is it reasonable for my mom to keep trying to fix the situation, even when the only outcome is me experiencing depression, panic attacks, and suicide attempts? And what can I do to make this situation better?
She says that by distancing myself from my dad, I'm causing the rest of the family to be uncomfortable. I hate to bother people, but...I just really want to live without having having to suffer this much just to pretend we're all a happy perfect family.
You being uncomfortable is the result of this situation with your parents. For them to make you feel uncomfortable, by saying that it's making them feel uncomfortable is them trying to not let you feel things. You are having genuine reactions to the treatment given to you, and that is probably no fault of yours. People treat you poorly, and you react by withdrawing, it makes sense.
For your family to be essentially banding together against you, they're making your continuing pain into a weapon against you, causing you more pain, letting them hurt you more, causing you more pain.
Your parents were born long ago, and they were children, raised by people who used to be children themselves. They have had child/ren (you), and think that this makes them parents...no, it means they have offspring. Them being parents isn't an automatic thing, just by having kids, it is something they have to work at, and from what you are saying, they're doing a fairly rotten job of it.
In my own life, it has amazed me how much my own family members thrived on inflicting pain on me. Yelling, hitting, venting against the small child...it has soured my view on the family unit, certainly, but I believe with this comes a sort of clarity:
You are the individual, and are being wounded. The only way to stop this is to remove what is wounding you, but I am guessing you can't escape them (and trust me, even if the situation arises wherein you can escape, they will likely try to stop you, to keep you impotent, and to keep them at the top of the heap).
I am sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds truly shitty. Some days I am fine, until I get a text from a parent, and my day may instantly turn to shit, even though they're happily wherever they are, forgetting the message they send me almost immediately (they have better things to think about)...while me...I am left wrenching my mind in two, maybe breaking something, maybe falling apart because of the implication of whatever it is they are contacting me for.
Fuck hating to bother people: people's actions are bothering you. No matter how people try to paint you as the villain, your suffering as you have stated it leaves you as the victim.
The uncomfort they feel is probably dwarfed by the on-going and potentially lasting effects of their treatment to you. The uncomfort they feel could also stem from embarassment: they have failed you in these respects, and how big a person would either of them have to be to ADMIT this to themselves? Failing your children? Causing them pain? I doubt many parents would willingly admit that they have been doing you wrong, and I know many parents would rather keep up appearances than face the music.
I guess...if I had to give advice for your situation, it would be based on my own family and experiences, and might not be applicable to your situation.
If I had to guess at their minds, it would be that they truly don't grasp how seriously they're hurting you; the question is how to raise their awareness.
If you were to explain to your father how even casual, off-handed things he does hurt you, enough times, he might alter his behavior, either through gained compassion, or annoyance at your protestations. However, if you say that he's hurting you, and he laughs, or blows you off, then he's probably an asshole. I mean, like I said, your parents were just born. They simply are, now.
They were born far away, met each other, reproduced, and this is the true nature of a family. The intimacy of a family unit is wholly dependent on the people within it, and merely being "related" is in no way a gauge of love or compatibility.
Anonymous, you are hurting enough to come here, and ask an infinity of strangers for advice...this is a good act on your part, but highly indicative of the wrongness of the entire situation within which you find yourself.
I honestly don't know if I feel okay giving you any specific advice, but perhaps your enduring of pain has caused you to shut yourself away emotionally from your family...thus they might not blatantly see what you feel.
Be expressive, show emotion, get your pain and sadness and anger across. Have enough of it! Don't take any more! If someone is a right bastard to you again, let them fucking <i>know</i> it.
I once set out on a single morning to tell my mother what my problems were with her, the family, and the entire way I had been raised, and I was confident that if she started to cry, it would have gotten through to her: she wept pitifully at the disgusting way I had been feeling inside for years and years.
She also then evicted me within 48 hours, and I have not lived in that house for 4 or 5 years.
You see...my main point is that you're being fucked, and fucked hard, by people who existed before you, and have their own series' of jaded viewpoints. It is only the random person whom truly gets adequate love and support from their relatives.
I would say move out, and I would say get a job, but I have been unable to do these things on my own, so it would be meaningless.
You have to let them know the depths of your feelings, and if you break down and cry, and get laughed at, and they point fingers, and call you names, then it will hurt, but would certainly reveal something about those people who are abusing you. Maybe it is time to break off, have you given this serious consideration? You will spend your entire life living solely as yourself, and other humans will shit on you for fun and profit, but at the end of the day, the skin they bruise isn't their own, and only you can move yourself forward after the beatings.
Regardless, I know the feeling of wanting to die and make it all go away, but what if I had? What if you had?
Nothing, that's what. Nothingness for me, or nothingness for you.
They will still not know the full extent of their actions; this is something you can only get through to them if you remain here.
You won't be at home forever, whichever one they seem fit to place you in for the time being.
I think you said it all: pretending to be a happy family.
Even dark truths are pure and honest.
My thoughts are with you, Anonymous, and I hope you can bring clarity and healing into your situation.
This is surprisingly normal for teens growing up, so you're not alone (but that probably won't make you feel much better). Your mother is going to have to let you go and you're going to have to find a way to enforce this. As long as you're over 18 you should have the space to make your own wishes. You are legally an adult and should be treated like one. 'Should' is a useless word though if you don't insist you get YOUR needs met.
It's not your problem if your mother complains that the rest of the family are not comfortable enough for her. Some mothers have a terrible time dealing with their developing children. The 'happy family' image is really important to some parents because of all the prestige it gets them. Magazines and newspapers love the picture of the happy family since so many families exhibit real problems and arguments. Some mothers are narcissists, which means that they crave attention at all costs and a happy family guarentees them an income of attention, and some are genuinely looking out for the 'greater good' so that everyone is happy, so she might just care about you.
From other things you've wrote, it looks like that you [i]might[/i] be overreacting, but then again its hard to tell. If your father tends to explode into fits of rage, throttle you and stub cigarettes out on you then that is clearly abusive. Being teased and ignored sometimes is not abusive. At 19 you have a hell of a lot of growing up to do and not much of it is fun. That goes for everyone at that age including me! Then again you are an adult and can do what you like now, so being teased and belittled sometimes isn't very nice either, and neither is having your boundaries breached all the time. Just sayin'.
Also mental health disorders such as PTSD, DID, depression etc. these can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional, so do not self-diagnose. Most of the treatments surrounding mental health disorders require the same treatments: a course of antidepressants, a good diet and regular exercise. Having mood swings at 19, again, this is normal and not an indicator of mental illness.
If you can, try to get a job and move into your own apartment. I suppose you are living with your father? If you can't find work easily, try to find a living relative or move out with your partner if you have one. The trick is to push forward with your life at whatever cost. You don't have to leave your family behind, but you have a different relationship with them now as you are a grown up.