My behaviour is sludgy. My mind as a whole feels sludgy, in that it is inconsistent.

I can sometimes carry a good habit for a few days or weeks or sometimes months. But then I see I am not improving and give up, or I forget then feel as though I have failed. It feels like I am "rotting". I may restart after a hiatus of hours, days, months, or I may feel too repulsed to restart. Some things I give up almost immediately. It all just cycles.

Maybe its the depression or maybe its who I am. I'm thinking about getting on new AD's. The last ones didn't work.

I feel you. The constant cycle of giving up and then continuing, oftentimes just building yourself up only to fall back to where you were and then starting the cycle all over again.
I notice that it's not too uncommon for something to stick though.
If I were to draw a depiction of it, it would look a bit like a chart going parabolic, crashing catastrophically far below where it was before it went parabolic and then returning to mean, but the mean is ever so slowly increasing every few years.

We both jump to thinking about this as a graph.

Mine would probably not be parabolas, which are smooth. More like spikes with various periods. The mean would be moving, maybe with a long term down trend. There are periods with more spikes, some periods with flat lines.

Although we are both describing depictions, maybe we are actually more similar.

That is what I mean by sludgy. Leaves decaying in shallow muddy pools on the road. Some of the leaves float along with half melted ice. Hideous and unremarkable chaos. Disappointing mostly.

You can't feel it, but I'm giving you a hug over the internet.
You'll get through this somehow, I believe in you.

sometimes i regret not pushing more for my poor grandfather but then i recall he didnt watch my show with any interest either. life feels unimportant and then i dont feel like working