It's not dissociation per se (the DID or desensitized kind). But oftentimes, I find it hard to remain grounded, to be attuned to my senses, and to simply "live my life".

It's not social media overusage. I only use it as a means to an end; to communicate, to collate information, or for entertainment (educational YouTube videos).

It's about knowing a lot of things. Both the good and the bad, and the absolutely horrid (which I don't even want to talk about; my only thought here is, "Anything can happen when no one's looking around"). The propensity and desire to analyze concepts, events, people, systems, and science and break them down to their essential bits. Though I am not necessarily a genius.

My mind is slow, but that is fine for me; I am proud to be a philosophizing human, rather than to be someone who has the skills that a computer can simulate. But I am also not too knowledgeable. It just desire to know a little bit of something about everything. Rather than knowing everything about something.

Being meta and self-aware. And knowing how harrowing human actions can be. And seeing evidence and testimonials of various human hideous acts are oft weighing me down. Both events from the past, events today, events in the future, events that we have heard, and events lost in the darkness and never brought into light. They don't scare me. But they also tend to reinforce my cynicism. I am an idiot, once a naive idealist who wholeheartedly believed in merely doing what I thought was right. "To do to others what you want others to do unto you."

I feel like I've gazed long enough in the abyss. I can imagine it. I can see it. The lowest of lows. Nevertheless, I still remain intact. My morals. My beliefs. Even though I must protect myself, I will still uphold those beliefs to those who will reciprocate it. Quid pro quo. Do ut des. Social contractualism.

But I still remain hopeful, albeit alone. It feels alone. I feel there's a philosophical answer to existence. But humans have always had incomplete and insubstantial answers that they presume to be truth. Whether you believe in deities, or in atheism, or that there is no meaning, all of them are wrong, or at the very least, unfounded. No evidence. We still have to search. And I think I know where we should head. But still. I find it hard to believe that for 10000 years of civilization, nobody else has ever thought of the same thing as me.

Yet instead we waste our time. Greed. Lust. Pride. Lack of esprit de corps. Lack of human empathy. That's how assholes rule the world. I simply cannot comprehend it. Game theory, Economics, logic, and compassion, all point to us cooperating, but no. The world is like this.

Not to mention how our own inherent biases, subtle differences in brain chemistries, and differences in how we view, see, perceive, and filter the information we receive from the world all affect our collective perception of ourselves, of family, of friends, of others whom are not part of your culture. Of your bubble.

We project on others what we see on ourselves. That already, by itself, is the beginning of tragedy. Or at the very least, the core of all human misunderstandings.

All of this is very tiring.

Almost as if being incredibly aware you are naught but a speck of dust in the grand scale of the observable universe. But countless other specks of dust walk alongside you. Inspecting the same world. But growing and ending up wholly different from you.

The knowledge you are not alone. That you are a part of history. That you will end. That all of this will not last forever. That all this suffering is caused by humans, nature, and by virtue of living.