I can't unsee this. I can't forget this.
I can no longer live a normal life.
I can no longer delude myself in to having a normal life.
My conscious and grandiose sense of self-ware existence cannot accept merely dying as someone born from dust and to return to dust. But I feel alone. That one puny human cannot do everything himself.
I don't know.
I need advice.
I believe that everything is connected. The past lead to me. The past lead to everyone and everything now. And all of we in the now will lead to the future. And that my nonchalance, ignorance, may lead to a terrible future. But even so, as I am not in a position of power, I can never ever overturn the future. Heck, I don't even have the power to overturn Putin right now. So.
How does one ought to live?
I know nobody knows the answer to that question. Or even if they answers, they are all wrong. As we're all masquerading in the world as if we're civilized, but we have not a single idea, of how anything, everything, works.
Is it abnormal to seek answers like a kid?
To demand answers, even if some answers are unanswerable (pertaining to the Hilbert problem)?
I don't feel I am philosophically mature.
But I also don't feel like we have ever learned from Socrates at all. That we do not know what we do not know. And to presume otherwise is utter arrogance.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
For the past two decades, I feel like I have been nothing more than a brain in a vat.
An existence whose only meaningful contribution to life is thinking, and nothing more.
I have an inkling of where I want to be.
But I really have no idea where to start. Of how to start. Or how to live life without feeling I am just a brain in a vat. To be so grounded. To feel as if my thoughts become efforts that become actions that lead to something tangible. For my thoughts to transcend onward, to no longer be a mere brain in a vat who is afraid of human connections, and of failures, and of being backstabbed yet again.
To no longer be a brain in a vat that is easy to manipulate, easy to take advantage of, and easy to be discouraged. To be able to smite down who are evil, and to be kind to those who deserve it.
If anybody has the time and effort and care.
Please feel free to share your thoughts.