[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [SHORT] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6520 20:59

Add on to this sentence
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In the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system,

2 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6520 21:05

A 2 is gotten

3 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6520 21:23

by a Panda

4 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 11:04

who is promptly derailed by Beady Eyes

5 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 11:08

, who takes a bite out of the toast on which man is spreading himself.

6 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 15:57

Hate - the bite that sets the universe in motion.

7 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 17:44

Meanwhile, in the Semi Democratic People's Republic of New Manchuria,

8 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 18:46

Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII. decides to start

9 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 19:44

playing with his willy behind his desk.

10 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 19:54

At this very moment, the famous assassin George Bush CXXIX

11 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 20:15

is born, immediately slaughtering every single medical professional in a 500-yard radius. Of course, this means that

12 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 21:48

no one is around to cut the umbilical chord, so he tied it around his waist and slumped his dead mother over his shoulders and left the hospital whistling

13 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6521 22:52

the song "A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left" by Andrew Bird. This caused a passing

14 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6522 00:06

Ran-tan-tan to start dancing, thinking that the deaths of everybody around allowed him to finally dance in secret. However,

(OT: >>12 seems to have accidentally switched to past tense, but that tends to work better for narrative anyway so I'm sticking with it.)

15 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6522 11:51

he was mistaken:

(>>14 it was no accident)

16 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 07:13

he planned and plan that was planning to plan a plan but the plan found a plan that was too

17 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 07:34

plannish. Fortunately,

18 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 12:09

as always,

19 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 12:37

as you might expect,

20 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 12:57

SOMEONE had to come in and take a shit everywhere, because

21 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 14:33

it was National Shit Day, and

22 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6523 18:45

they had a lot of DQN Bell that morning.

23 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6524 10:11

There was a group of rebels nearby who were up to

24 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6524 12:12

no good. And they started making trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and my Mom got scared, and said
"You're moving in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air."

25 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6524 13:29

The YOU ARE HERE sign said "You are here" - and all that tried to

26 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6524 22:55

escape my throat came lodged itself awkwardly within the small threshold behind the tonsils. What was

27 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6524 23:41

penis

28 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 06:12

so we ran out of it and found ourselves on a secondary earth where there was just children who aged ever 1000 centuries. Upon seeing my ship they

29 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 07:59

began wailing in an unholy baritone, shattering the hypothesis that

30 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 08:14

my ship had came to deliver a millennium of love and peace, which it obviously was not, because

31 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 09:41

it was bristling with weapons and full to the gunwales with heavily armed Marines. Though we suppose that for a certain definition of "peace," "peace" is what will exist behind them after they pass through. But then--

32 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 12:14

  • Good Lord!-

33 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 13:52

A shot rang out!

34 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 15:42

My face!

35 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 16:38

The Ran-tan-tan had stowed away on the ship during the shit fiasco, and was shot!

36 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 16:51

My... hnng~... my chest...

37 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 17:06

the sexy nurse from pokemon then gave me some stuff which she was L.. S.. D.. woahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suddenly,

38 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 17:07

Ran-tan-tan stumbled backwards, towards the rail of the ship. Many crew members had a grim look on their face, and

39 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 17:55

suddenly

40 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 17:56

without any warning

41 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 17:57

, catching every midget in the room unawares

42 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 18:51

, he began a horrifying transformation into

43 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 19:14

franz kafka

44 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 21:26

with a DRILL PENIS

45 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 22:35

And Franz Kafka said, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" To which we replied, "You're a giant cockroach who now has a DRILL PENIS, remember?" And he said "Oh. Right."

And then--

46 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6525 22:47

... he was struck by a large gust of wind and flew overboard! So long, Ran-tan-tan man!

47 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 07:02

Meanwhile, George Bush CXXIX was munching

48 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 11:09

cat fanny

49 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 12:27

and slurping on worms, which

50 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 14:10

... were high in protein, and low on carbs! He learned about this diet from...

51 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 20:07

gnawing on his own

52 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 21:48

productive analysis, chiefly comprised of observations of overweight and obese pedestrians. Thereafter

53 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 22:08

cat fanny

54 Name: Archduke!EQmEmVtTi2 : 1993-09-6526 22:56

, the affectionate nickname of Lord...

55 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6526 23:36

Catfannerkins, said to the dieting assassin,

56 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6527 12:15

who helped people lose weight by killing their appetites.

57 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6528 02:47

, "You've killed my appetite. Now it's time for a new target:

58 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6528 19:37

to infinity; and beyond! Come with me,

59 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6528 20:43

if you want to live

60 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6528 22:40

you must perform fellatio

61 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 10:18

on the Golden Phallus, hidden in the depths of

62 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 11:35

Arkanthar's caverns that descend toward its now cool, solid core, composed primarily of

63 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 16:36

butt

64 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6529 16:46

and latex.

65 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 19:56

Meanwhile, George Bush CXIXX is discovering the first time-machine ever made, that will allow him to avoid the political mistakes of the past, with one flaw...

66 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 20:36

When it sends you back in time, you arrive completely naked.

67 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6529 21:13

And so, arriving in

68 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 10:27

the year 2525, he met Robopa. [ ´ɯ`] Beep boop.

69 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 11:12

"Why would a robot need to drink?" asked George.

70 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 14:27

"You haven't met Beady Eyes yet, have you?" responded the world-weary robot, who was drinking Robot Gin.

71 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 19:03

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Beady Eyes

72 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 19:39

died and was swiftly

73 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6530 20:25

resurrected with

74 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6531 01:18

magical phoenix semen

75 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6531 09:13

     ,.-.、
    / ./ _,..-、
    i /__/,..--,i 
  ., ' `  ´ヽ、
  i <ノルレノル'     
  i !i;・-・)!|.   Don't threaten ME with a good time.
  | /,リ_'Y_rつ
  'i'<,i__i,」リ. 
    .!,ンイノ

76 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6537 23:08

Meanwhile, George twiddled his thumbs and

77 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6538 17:24

found himself becoming strangely attracted to Robopa.

78 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6538 20:26

George, you see, had metamorphosed into an electromagnet while we were all staring horrified at Beady Eyes.

79 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6539 16:14

Unfortunately, we all know the effects of powerful magnets on computer storage devices.

80 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 12:16

Suddenly, this entire exchange was overshadowed by

81 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 12:58

the giant loli in the sky

82 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 13:26

looking for her lost cat. However, who should then appear but

83 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 13:30

Beady eyes, in a cat costume

84 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 20:23

who began to maliciously

85 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6542 23:05

urinate

86 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6542 23:10

with vinegar

87 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 11:45

The great sky loli was not pleased with this turn of events,

88 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 17:07

and killed him.

89 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 18:20

However, Beady Eyes is immortal and

90 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 18:54

burps a lot

91 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 21:31

Knight of the Round Table

92 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 21:45

who walks a lot

93 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6543 22:06

and spams a lot

94 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6543 22:34

and listens to post-randomcore-folk-gypsy-punk.

95 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6544 19:21

Suddenly, a plot device appeared!

96 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6544 19:52

Which was quickly stolen by beady eyes! "What are you going to do about it?", he says.

97 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 04:04

[100 blank pages in the middle of the book]

98 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 07:41

were expunged at the request of the publisher, no matter how much the author whinged about how they would be utterly essential to his vision as a true artiste, and so on. When his editor tried to calm him down by saying that paper doesn't grow on trees, the author needed to have a long lie-down. Eventually, though, he did get his revenge by

99 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 18:56

breaking the fourth wall and placing a passage of himself talking to his publisher into the middle of his story. Meanwhile, in Cambodia,

100 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 20:01

a 100GET is bundled into an unmarked cloth sack and thrown onto the back of a cargo ship bound for New York. At this time, nobody could have known that

101 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 20:15

Deequn is sitting alone in his room, under the light of his desk lamp. It's a dark, cloudy night. In all this loneliness, Deequn wished for the girl he just drew on paper to be real. Suddenly...!

102 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6545 20:25

>>101
his window shatters and rips through the piece of paper.

103 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 00:37

"Ha ha," laughed Beady Eyes, who--

104 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 03:39

died when the carrot he had stuffed up his ass exploded.

105 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 04:11

A Clonepa, witnessing the explosion, said "Wow, that's a lot of

106 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 08:49

PINGAS", shortly before being consumed by the blast.

Meanwhile, less than two blocks away, sinister plans approached completion as

107 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 12:21

Grandpa minced among bad vats and jeroboams in the hissing laboratory under his house, preparing a

108 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 17:17

clone of himself... this was the BIRTH of the CLONEPA. His works came to fruition, and before long

109 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 18:43

( ・ω・) I got to eat ice cream!

110 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 21:52

But this was no ordinary ice cream

111 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6546 23:43

, oh no...

112 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 02:58

It was CLONECREAM!

113 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 05:56

"I AM ICE CREAM CLONEPA!" he shouted with a voice like nerdy thunder, and he

114 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 06:46

started eating himself! Meanwhile, Grandpa was

115 Name: ∠、( l ‿ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6547 09:57

busy complaining about contemporary

116 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 16:37

short novel writing

117 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 21:50

in pan-chromatic resonances and other highly ambient domains.

118 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6547 22:32

"Arf," he said.

119 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6548 00:42

Now you may be thinking that Grandpa had turned into a dog or some sort of sea lion. However, Arf is in fact Grandpa's assistant and old college buddy and he was meerly calling him over. Arf emerged from the shadows

120 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6548 09:42

and said "Arf."

121 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6548 09:46

Arf said to him "Grandpa, we'll never nominate for the Nobel prize with all this shitty writing & clonepa references. What shall we do?". Grandpa was hesitant to let his old buddy know his plans...

122 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6548 18:42

and therefore didn't. Meanwhile, a mere 200m away,

123 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 00:59

there was a peculiar incident taking place 200m back from where we originally came from.

124 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 15:18

The great sky loli was displeased about her sudden relative lack of importance to the story, and therefore hijacked

125 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 15:52

a dirigible. "We are going," she began dramatically, "to annex Poland!" And with that,

126 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 16:43

Poland was annexed. Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom...

127 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 19:18

a single feather hovered, about a foot above a

128 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6549 23:30

place where mighty hero Tristan was standing captivated by the sight of a chest full of

129 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 23:37

loli's

130 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6549 23:55

which is what he called lollypops because he was emotionally childlike

131 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6550 17:34

and misused apostrophe's, enraging the nearby

132 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6551 00:43

Arf. "Arf," he growled, because he was enraged. Suddenly--

133 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6551 02:32

a large truck smashed through the wall! In a cloud of smoke and debris a silhouette appeared. It began walking towards them and emerged, revealing himself as none other than

134 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6551 08:33

a cloud of smoke and debris which had been mistaken for a person. To this, Tristan said "

135 Name: ∠、( l ‿ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6551 09:44

By the power of

136 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6551 11:56

my local greengrocer's apple's, banana's and cherry's, that is the most cunningly disguised cloud I have ever seen!" He then looked into the truck driver's cabin, but found only the corpse of a man with a peculiarly-shaped

137 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6551 16:31

hat. Tristan took this as a summon from his mistress, the Great Sky Loli, and he and Arf promptly hijacked a dirigible. As they landed in the newly annexed Poland, they found

138 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6552 03:52

that Poland was annexed. And so George Bush CXXIX

139 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6552 10:07

awoke and realized that it was all a dream.

140 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6552 20:35

THE END

141 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6552 20:48

...NOT!

142 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6552 22:39

, as some people believe, the beginning.

EPILOGUE: Dying Flames of a Dokyun's Heart

The lonely figure stumbled through the ruins of the former Semi-Democratic Loli's Republic of Poland, on his face a look of resignation to the inevitable fate of mankind; that inescapable debt of mortality. A single tear rolled silently down his dirt streaked face. It was hard to believe that but a few hours earlier,

143 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6556 17:49

Beady Eyes had

144 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6556 19:31

died.

145 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6558 01:26

The subsequent lack of thread derailment caused a catastrophic

146 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6558 02:17

run in on-topic threads that

147 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6558 09:01

gave Master an urge to bait

148 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6563 03:22

the Great Sky Loli into an intimate business deal involving

149 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6563 08:47

Beady Eyes plush toys. "Kawaii~!" she squeaked.

150 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6563 11:56

I like Claire!

151 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6563 19:27

was the name of the company set up to manufacture the toys. What the Great Sky Loli didn't know, however, was that

152 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6563 23:55

nobody really liked Claire, who

153 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6564 00:06

was actually 2-Amino-3-(1H-indol-3-yl)propanoic acid-chan, who was actually Marisa Kirisame, who was actually a girl with schizophrenia.

154 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6565 20:10

from THE FUTURE

155 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6565 20:26

to which she would inevitably have to return in the tear-jerking final scene. But before that, she

156 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6565 22:08

totally hit on Beady Eyes. As soon as he

157 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6565 22:17

revealed that he had died on several occasions (>>71,72,87,88,103,104,143,144), she realised that

158 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6565 23:26

penis

159 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6565 23:51

is not something he ever had

160 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 09:24

lacked

161 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 14:09

the capacity to talk about at great length. This was probably due to the fact he didn't have one, having lost it in

162 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 14:15

the great beady eyes war of 1992, which was started due to

163 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 14:22

a lack of the eyes needed to cook good soup for both world leaders.

164 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 18:04

Editor's note: >>162 was sacked for his blasphemous mention of times prior to 1993, which obviously cannot exist in the universe.

165 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 19:34

Meanwhile, in Poland, the GSL (Great Sky Loli) had just made a SHOCKING REVELATION!! It turns out that Claire

166 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 19:58

totally hit on Beady Eyes. As soon as he

167 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 20:34

penis

168 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6566 20:39

mightier than the sword, he agreed.

169 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 00:57

he put on a frilly dress and touhou hat

170 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 07:24

grabbed a bat just in case

171 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 12:12

and went out to the universe to celebrate a lack of christmas.

172 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 12:34

"It's a Festivus for the rest of us," he squeaked in his high squeaky voice.

173 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 16:11

Yet before he knew it, his frilly dress

174 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 21:26

and Touhou hat

175 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6567 22:43

started a christmas festival, right there, right then.

176 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 09:34

Which Reimu perceived as another "incident," and so she came to subdue the haunted dress and hat with a spray of ofuda danmaku. Meanwhile--

177 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 12:25

the Polish uprising against their tyrannical overlord, the GSL, was approaching fruition. In just two days,

178 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 14:25

Reimu's danmaku accidentally reached the headquarters of the Polish uprising and

179 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 14:29

and then the characters killed the author.

180 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 17:05

As the author was, of course, the one who wrote this, it was considered suicide. At the author's funeral,

181 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 17:46

members of the Westboro Baptist Church

182 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 18:23

183 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 18:28

did not like that persons twitter account so they

184 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 18:41

tracked down the owner, kidnapped him and slowly

185 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 19:28

stroked his earlobes.

186 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 19:34

As the Ferengian moaned in ecstasy,

187 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 22:17

the Westboro Baptist cultists plunged a

188 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6568 22:25

hamster

189 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6569 00:22

right into his wide, gaping...

...plot holes.

190 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6571 18:10

Without warning, a huge

191 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6571 19:37

statue of H.P. Baxxter was erected

192 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6571 19:56

right in front of a mysterious alien's

193 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 00:45

flux capacitator.

194 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 10:23

After craftily hiding the glowing letter Y inside his

195 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 11:15

Y-chromosomes, he

196 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 13:20

began a ritual to invoke the

197 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 15:34

masculinity that lies in the heart of every true boy across the galaxy! And, slowly but surely,

198 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 19:14

bystanders began to point and laugh

199 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 20:21

Their interruption caused the ritual to go awry, resulting in

200 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 20:30

the GSL suddenly deciding to ban the letter Y inside the nation of Canada, unaware that

201 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6572 21:05

the failure of the masculinity invoking ritual had caused every man in the galaxy to become a catgirl!

202 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 13:02

"Nya~!" said the former Gerald Jay Sussman, before

203 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 13:23

conjuring our spirits with

204 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 13:26

the aid of an absurdly oversized

205 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 17:26

Canadian, eh?

206 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 18:13

The sudden influx of catgirls caused a dramatic increase in

207 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6573 21:21

nerd murders

208 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6573 22:59

by people suffering from Moéshit Redundancy Disorder which

209 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6574 22:08

was reported to the Department of Redundancy Department.

210 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6574 23:12

and that message accidentally was received by the Ministry of Silly Walks.

211 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6574 23:44

penis

212 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6574 23:57

shaped protrusions were found on the side of

213 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 02:27

his penis, which

214 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 10:27

exploded into many dick fragments, killing at least 3, including

215 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 11:01

the author.

(The remains of this manuscript were received posthumously.)

216 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 11:51

Suddenly, a corpse fell through the skylight!

217 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 15:47

The deadly dick fragments had claimed their fourth victim:

218 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 18:31

The great GSL herself! Unfortunately, the corpse

219 Name: ∠、( l _ l ),、ゝ!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6575 19:14

was mistakenly delivered to the Ministry of Silly Walks, thus patching up the plot a bit. Meanwhile, in Japan

220 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6575 19:15

Godzilla

221 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6576 08:16

movies remained inexplicably popular. Roger Ebert, on a trip to Fukushima, accidentally grew to a height of 700 ft, and gave the NHK news report about his subsequent exploits three thumbs up.

222 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 00:39

And that, children, is how Nyan Cat was created.

The end.

223 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 04:36

Part 2: Vultures on the boundary of the river wheel

224 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 05:58

Battle Tendency Electric Boogaloo Stardust Crusaders: EXTREME EDITION:ちんこ+

225 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 10:41

It was a quiet day and the children were playing serendipitously on the riverbank just outside the quaint village of

226 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 14:53

Detroit

227 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 15:41

Suddenly, a huge river wheel came

228 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6577 17:14

tumbling down from the mountains crushing all in its path. Behind it,

229 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6578 00:30

Detroit was unfortunately not crushed.

230 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6578 00:34

However, Dearborn was crushed, and the factories that belonged to Ford

231 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6578 01:54

cried out in anguish, "How could this occur?
We worked and toiled, but all it was for naught,
Our dreams and cars are crushed by vicious Fate.
The river wheel turns without remorse,
Like time and death it has no love nor hate,
Its monstrous spokes whirl as a heartless beast,
Blindly striking down both weak and strong,
And as it spins, we people sing this song:"

232 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6578 02:05

"Fate, savage and empty, you are a turning wheel, your position is uncertain, your favour is idle and always likely to disappear; covered in shadows and veiled you bear upon me too; now my back is naked through the sport of your wickedness."

So sang the survivors of Dearborn as the river wheel tumbled through and onto its next destination:

233 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6578 04:22

Dr. Robotnik's lab

234 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6579 11:07

which was demolished in a matter of seconds. Dr Robotnik

235 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6579 12:58

, however, managed to survive for several more minutes due to a previously unknown mysterious

236 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6579 13:51

property of excessive body fat.

237 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6582 05:19

Meanwhile, back in Detroit, the playground was pregnant with sexual tension.

238 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6582 06:41

Suddenly, a wild Snorlax appears.

239 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6582 14:20

It accidentally inhales 5 children.

240 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6582 14:56

And then made suggestive comments and sexually harassed the shocked bystanders. The moral of this tale is, of course,

241 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6603 16:17

that as long as long as you know which direction is North

242 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6603 17:58

you can easily fart a

243 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6603 18:31

happy tune

244 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6604 13:25

with your buttocks

245 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6604 13:31

clenched in a furious state of tetany. Anyway, as we discussed in >>1,

246 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:04

twenty three hyphens

247 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:15

isn't a proper

248 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:18

acceptable discussion of nouns

249 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:22

but that's ok because grammar is bullshit anyway

250 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:27

as was previously said by run-on-man.

251 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6610 21:32

In other news, 2012 is rapidly approaching

252 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6611 17:10

with it's rather disappointing lack of

253 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6611 18:31

penis

254 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6611 20:07

enhancers that fail to deliver the true nature of the beast.

255 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6611 23:24

Spam mail

256 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 01:14

no longer exists, thanks to the combined efforts of

257 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 11:59

420JEWKILLER666, 88HITLER_BOI, and 69JEWNIGGERS. Sadly,

258 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 13:17

spam mail has been replaced with spam in-brain projection through the combined efforts of

259 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 16:11

420JEWKILLER666, 88HITLER_BOI, and 69JEWNIGGERS. Sadly,

260 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 17:05

said spam in-brain projection runs on buggy software with a broken recursive function, due to the combined efforts of

261 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 17:16

420JEWKILLER666, 88HITLER_BOI, and 69JEWNIGGERS. Sadly,

262 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 17:20

their data center was highly secured so that nobody could get in and end the process that was creating a time-loop due to its shoddy programming.

263 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 17:56

"If only we'd read our SICP!" lamented 88HITLER_BOI. Meanwhile,

264 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 20:30

Sonic the Hedgehog

265 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 20:34

Died, taking Sega with it to never plague video games with it's games again.

Also, FISTING.

266 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6612 22:25

↑ which occurred on that fateful day took the form of BROFISTING.

267 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 11:31

"Cool story, bro," said Knuckles the Echidna.

268 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 11:59

Then he went off to fist his buddies.

269 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 14:25

30,000 years ago,

270 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 14:39

a great battle was taking place between

271 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 15:30

Siouxsie & The Banshees and

272 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 15:47

the buxom man-ladies of the Gro'tai Kingdom

273 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 16:21

over

274 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 16:37

the finer points of

275 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 17:11

FISTING vs. BROFISTING

276 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 17:13

which led to the establishment of

277 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 17:52

The Semi Democratic People's Republic of New Manchuria (which you may remember from >>7)

278 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6613 19:26

"Oh, yes I do remember it!" - said an innocent bystander. He had no idea that

279 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 00:31

in the time it took him to utter those words,

280 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 01:29

Orcs

281 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 03:47

had already come up with a plan to

282 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 07:21

knock knock
whos there
buttcrack
buttcrack who
buttcrack jeffery

283 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 17:04

" said the schizophrenic,

284 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 17:59

I fucked a cat

285 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 21:09

with the Ultra Deluxe Dildotronic 20X6, which

286 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 21:52

looks like a simple polished stick with a small exception of

287 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6614 23:24

a curiously placed popcorn machine, perfect in times

288 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 06:00

Lagiacrus dragon dildo complete with electric shock action

289 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 07:03

placed at the third Lagrange point

290 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 07:13

and I got her pregnant somehow.

Ever since I read the SICP,

291 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 07:42

no invocation of spells could ready me for

292 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 16:52

SURPRIZE BUTTSECKS

293 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 19:58

which I enjoyed because MY ANUS is

294 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6616 21:05

nano-augmented with

295 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6617 05:06

dingleberries.

296 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6617 14:22

I have to refresh

297 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6618 04:20

my scrotum with

298 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6618 07:16

dingleberries.

299 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6618 18:07

Or GAY MAGIC, whichever is available.

300 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6618 18:16

A triumphant cry of "300 GET!" echoed across

301 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6619 01:37

Sparta

302 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6620 11:11

, attracting the attention of

303 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6620 20:41

Phil Collins

304 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6621 12:03

, the renowned artist, who was out on his morning walk. "Look over there, Peter!" Collins pointed towards the peaks of the mountains.

305 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6621 13:55

Tumbling down the sides of the Alps surrounding the little Swiss town Collins calls home were lots of little

306 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6621 18:13

Detroit. The smell of

307 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6621 18:26

strawberries permeated the air, completely negating the general aura of

308 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6621 20:58

Nk'uko byatangajwe na Perezida w'uyu muryango

309 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 00:17

.

310 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 01:40

Meanwhile,

311 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 13:20

THE FUCK ON

312 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 14:21

the moon, there were two guys

313 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 16:01

"やらないか" suggested Takakazu Abe, to which Masaki Michishita replied

314 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 16:32

"only if you suck on my left testicle". As it turns out, this was a password which activated the moon for it's true purpose:

315 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 16:40

destroying Clocktown.

316 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 17:33

The citizens of Clocktown were

317 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 17:37

outraged at the prospect of no longer being able to call themselves citizens of Clocktown because they all died.

318 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 18:16

The two moon swelling homosexuals found themselves feeling somewhat

319 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6622 18:17

confused, as the last post would make a lot more sense if I posted "dwelling" rather than "swelling". Anyway, as I was saying, the two moon dwelling homosexuals found themselves feeling somewhat

320 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6623 02:50

lonely, as they weren't aware of each others' presences on the moon, so they spent their time with creative pursuits, one in art and the other in music.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltal188J5c1qbs6e9o1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1319078913&Signature=V5S2IM2eLW3XJ5UmLrNRDZUOcuc%3D

321 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6623 15:53

Somebody might ask, "But where exactly were dokyuns?"They were here: ttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/73/Pale_Blue_Dot.png

322 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6623 23:45

There were billions and billions of dokyuns, all of which

323 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-6624 02:20

were NEET and petite rather than sweet or l33t.

324 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6626 20:46

However, the dokyuns had failed to take into account the

325 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6626 20:59

big fat

326 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6627 01:35

chance of having Gradius III arcade machines rain down from the sky.

327 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6627 02:11

Suddenly, a ghast/metroid shit comes out and starts shooting fireballs.

328 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6627 18:10

Phil Collins

329 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6627 19:29

took a direct hit to the face, causing

330 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 02:54

massive internal bleeding

331 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 03:07

The rest of this story may be accessed by platinum members on my website. We now bring you to

332 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 04:06

Gay Gary's Gulag of Gaping Gaynus

333 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 10:31

Penis

334 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 12:03

festival, run by kind volunteers from the quaint town of

335 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 15:47

Cocksuck, Alabama, which strangely has more homosexuals than

336 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6628 22:31

one might expect of a town whose entire population is female. The festival lasted three days and

337 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6629 23:01

had to be ended prematurely because of

338 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6630 01:49

GAY MAGIC

339 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6630 23:34

The cancellation of the festival prompted an outcry from the

340 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 00:56

gayness in yer anus.

341 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 04:32

And so, while gay disease was protesting on Uranus, our hero took

342 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 14:04

a massive diarrhea dump

343 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 14:17

and then posted about it on the internet. Many people

344 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 14:40

were honoured to look at included pictures and many were

345 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 18:30

not. Meanwhile, in Gensokyo,

346 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 20:21

Reimu and Marisa stared at the screen in disbelief, then closed the browser and turned off the computer, slowly shaking their heads.

THE END

347 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 21:41

Or... is it?

348 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6632 22:49

No - that happened back at >>140 and again at >>222. Now, as I was saying:

349 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 00:38

THE END fell from the sky, bringing the GSL down with it.

350 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 14:06

Then Porky Pig busted out of a drum and said

351 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 15:11

"I'M ON DA POWDAH, I'M REAL COKED UP!"

352 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 20:30

"YOU GOT PLENTY HENNESSEY SO FILL UP MY CUP!"

353 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 20:36

The powder he referred to was, of course, actually

354 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6633 21:01

raspberry creamola foam.

355 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6634 02:03

HOT STRIPPING COEDS

356 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6634 11:34

was written in huge neon letters outside the institute of

357 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6635 02:35

GAY MAGIC

358 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6635 07:23

AND RAINBOW TOLERANCE

359 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6635 16:26

, foretelling the coming of a veritable smorgasbord of

360 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6635 23:41

big dicks of all colors

361 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6637 04:36

drifting across the blue sky

362 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6646 18:17

"Phallus sighted off the starboard side!" shouted

363 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6646 18:31

captain Gay Sparkle, "Brace for

364 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6646 18:37

surprize buttsecks," he giggled.

Then the entire novel died of AIDS.

THE END

365 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6646 19:22

THE BEGINNING

366 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6646 20:00

of something beautiful - Doctor Fujiwara strolled confidently into the hospital room and spoke in a calm, controlled voice: "I have found the cure to AIDS, Mr DQN Short Novel. We will be starting treatment immediately."

"That's wonderful!" gasped DQN Short Novel, "But what is the treatment?"

Doctor Fujiwara arched an eyebrow and replied "Well,

367 Name: John Macramé : 1993-09-6648 08:55

first we must engage in a change of subject so deliciously subtle that somebody who is not really paying attention won't notice. By the way, your horse is on fire."

368 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6652 20:46

The horse in question was being

369 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6652 22:41

raped by one of those magma demons that were raping Sakura in that recent Zone flash. Coincidentally,

370 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6653 19:20

the demon was actually Doctor Fujiwara's estranged brother. Upon seeing him for the first time in decades,

371 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6654 15:46

everybody else then caught on fire and died.

372 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6654 16:23

But then they all came back to life and engaged on proper festivities to commemorate the reunion of Doctor Fujiwara and his brother. Mr DQN Short Novel, however,

373 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6654 23:32

was a bit pissed off about >>364,371 trying to ruin the novel and therefore didn't participate in the festivities. Instead he started

374 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6655 08:19

>>373 ruined the story with this really gay and stupid post, making Doctor Fujiwara turn into a flaming homosexual and having sex with ducks and shit. >>373 sucks!

375 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6655 14:57

>>373 sucked so hard, in fact, that

376 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6655 16:34

>>373's hoover felt obsolete and deactivated itself.

377 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6660 22:19

Surveying the scene from afar, a young girl sighed dramatically and said to herself "

378 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6660 22:26

", for she was mute. All her life she had wished for an opportunity like this to arise, but now that it had, she was decidedly unsure of herself.

379 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6661 02:51

Suddenly, Reimu showed up and said "dayuum gurl, u fine!" "Wanna go back to my place?". The mute girl remained silent, unable to respond. Then, gave a soft nod and went along.

Reimu thought to herself: "I hit the fuckin' jackpot!". Thinking of all of the lesbian sex she was about to have.

End of Chapter 2

Chapter Three: Where the fuck is the plunger, and should ▇▇▇▇'s tanooki costume have gigantic balls attached to the front to add realism to it?

DQN-kun was busy trying to put on a third mitten when

380 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6661 22:07

the mitten came to life, exclaiming "Please DQN-kun, let me

381 Name: Not!ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6662 01:30

touch Espeon

382 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6662 06:29

penis

383 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6662 09:32

with penis

384 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6662 17:07

"Certainly not!" replied DQN-kun, "That Espeon is a bad influence! I don't want you seeing her again, let alone doing any kind of frottage. Do I make myself clear?"

The mitten looked sorry for itself and

385 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6663 00:57

decided now would be a good time to engage in one of those Touhou marathons he was so fond of, but

386 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6663 19:35

felt like swimming in a pool of grease

387 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6664 23:32

while dressed as a penis

388 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6664 23:58

in a condom. However the mitten's healthy exercises were interrupted by a gentle touch of Espeon's penis who opposed DQN-kun's idea of

389 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6665 01:27

waifu selection

390 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6666 02:22

, thus causing an internal combustion to take place in the region of his

391 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6666 03:27

penis

392 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6667 11:49

And that was when Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII appeared and decided to finally enact his secret plan that he had kept quiet all along...

393 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6667 19:06

He then summoned godzilla and stood on it's head whilst donning a frilly dress and a Touhou hat, which gave him Touhou powers.

He was stronger than Batman, Super Man, The Hulk, and Woody the Woodpecker, when

394 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6667 19:51

Batman, Super Man, The Hulk, Woody the Woodpecker, Reimu, Marisa and 1000 lawyers teamed up and collectively challenged him to a spellcard battle. Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII had no choice but to

395 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6667 22:46

write a lengthy post about it on his livejournal, but before he could do so

396 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 00:00

the CLASS ACTION spellcard forced Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII off blogosphere

397 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 01:45

But his plans would not be foiled so easily.

398 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 17:56

"You haven't seen the last of me!" he threatened, "I'll be back to steal the 500 GET, mark my words!"

Nobody was actually listening to him, because they were all distracted by

399 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 18:17

the upcoming 400 GET, which was going to change everything, again.

400 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 22:59

( ・-・) 400 get.

401 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6668 23:44

was all that was written on the piece of paper held by

402 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6669 00:23

Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII. "Hahahaha," laughed Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, "Everything goes by my plan. You fell for it, thinking that I'm out until 500 GET? But here I am, Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, a man who got 400 GET! HAHAHA! Fools, your minds are nothing but a toy for my knowledgeable prowess!" And tried to awkwardly

403 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6669 01:34

retreat out of a locked wooden door while simultaneously avoiding shoes thrown at him.

404 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6669 05:50

He retreated outside and found an alleyway to his left. He went down there and hid behind a trashcan. Suddenly he heard a sound that made his blood practically freeze.

405 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6669 09:36

Some bum burped in the trashcan which immediately alerted everyone to Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII's location.

406 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6670 01:09

"Come with me if you want to live." Said a shadowy figure at the end of the alley.

It looked like Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII had no choice but to go along.

407 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6671 12:23

He ran after the shadowy figure which led him out of the alley and into a street. The street was dusty and the buildings surrounding him were constructed from wood and steel. It appears Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII had time traveled back to 1850 - The American Old West.

He looked behind him and the alley had disappeared. As he turned back around, there stood in front of him was

408 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6671 14:14

the TARDIS.

409 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6671 15:46

Unfortunately however it appeared to be out of service, as indicated by the sign taped lazily upon it which read, "Out of service".

410 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6671 18:40

Just then, scores of Arab-themed Touhou-ish characters appeared in the street and in all the windows of the town, showering Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII with a danmaku of flying shoes. Dodging and backflipping madly, he dove through the bat-wing gateway of a saloon, only to see

411 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6671 23:54

That he had entered what appeared to be a gay saloon filled with men in assless chaps and coyboy hats.

412 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6672 06:16

Then, one man stood in front of him and did a pelvic thrust in his direction, shooting a dart out of his crotch at Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, hitting him right in the neck. Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII ended up collapsing as the dart was laced with a sleeping sedative.

Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII awoke to find himself

413 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6672 11:30

tied up and stripped of jewish gold which he had taken when

414 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6673 09:36

all of the events going on earlier had happened and we lost track of him. Sadly, the case of the Jewish gold would never reach the light of day. However, this is the story...

415 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6673 15:56

all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

416 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6673 17:40

"If anything, I could say this cat was reir Forget it--" said Woll Smoth, just before being tackled by Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII for posting captchas and Bel-Airing in his thread.

417 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6676 16:39

"Now," said Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, "where was I? Right, about the Jew gold. You see, it all started..."

418 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6676 17:47

on a sunny day just a few years after the discovery of the internet. Kids were playing in gardens, laughing at rainbows in the sprinklers. Birds were singing and flowers were blooming.

419 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6677 00:57

"Tworlot Sporkle had just taught me a valuable lesson about friendship," continued Woll Smoth. "Wait a minute. Goddommit, Fronk!" he shouted, as he was hit in the head with a shoe.

420 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6677 05:43

Suddenly, Wool Smooth popped out of nowhere and clashed in a death-struggle with Woll Smoth.
"Die! Die you, bastard," shouted Wool Smooth as he was making Woll Smoth struggle.
To which Woll Smoth replied, "No! No, you die, block porson!"And made Wool Smooth struggle in return.

Meanwhile, Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII continued his story, "...as I said it was a pleasant day. Anybody would love to take a stroll on a such fine day. However, it wasn't that enjoyable for

421 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6678 17:51

molesting pigeons in the park, which is my favorite springtime activity." His audience gasped audibly. "But I'll be damned if a little heightened security is going to stand in the way of that."

At the apex of his narration, Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII was cut short once more. Wool Smooth's blood-curdling cries of anguish crashed upon scores of mahogany furnishings as he crashed through the door, incurring damages which would cost a small amount to repair. Continuing to struggle, for he appears capable of little else, Wool smooth thrashed about in what might have been a brilliant display of interpretive dance had he not bumped into a large dresser, felling its contents, and in fact the dresser itself, upon him.

"You hove doed, and I om not doed," proclaimed Woll Smoth, with a particularly gentlemanly raise of his fist.

422 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6679 17:58

http://youtu.be/nUCvjRU0neM North Corea quality!

423 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6679 18:02

">>422, vodios throd is othor woy, you bloind chomp," Woll Smoth turned his head to >>422, "Feel moi wroth!"

"No! Please no!" screamed mr. >>422 knowing that he's already doed.

424 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6679 19:45

Seeing >>422's broken body lying pitifully at their feet, Woll Smoth and Wool Smooth decided to put aside their differences and work together to

425 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6679 19:49

discover a cure for Wool Smooth's peculiar medical ailment - namely, that he is deceased.

426 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6679 20:32

And Woll Smoth bent his body to inspect the dresser, and when his face was close enough a fist punched a hole through the wood and hit Woll Smoth in the nose.

"Ooh, OW!" said Woll Smoth.
"Hahahaha! You fool! I'm not doed, I'm simply mutilated a bit," laughed mighty Wool Smooth in his face! And then Woll Smoth jumped on Wool Smooth and Wool Smooth jumped on Woll Smoth and they began to struggle once more.

Meanwhile, Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII carefully looted >>422 body and took his boots. He packed them together with the one that hit Woll Smoth in the head before the struggle. He coughed and continued his riveting story,

427 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6680 00:20

"So, it all happened one day when I met this old Jewish guy by the name of Dewey Cheatham Goldstein. He had just told me about an old legend dating back to Biblical times. As you can imagine, it involved lots of Jew gold. My memory from those days are hazy, but it went something like this..." said Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII.

428 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6683 20:34

Suddenly, Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII was shot in the face twelve times by

429 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6683 21:14

a wild BULBASAUR playing around with a loaded gun using its lovely tentacles. It picked up the gun earlier in the day when

430 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6684 00:21

Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII was preparing his speech. He was trying to remember a Jewish story of Dewey Cheatham Goldstein which went something like this:

431 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6684 13:06

Once upon a time there was a

432 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6684 19:51

beautiful transvestite called Dewey Cheatham Goldstein, who owned a pile of Jew gold. Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII stole the gold by distracting her with

433 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6685 03:23

Dr. Robotnik's

434 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6685 14:49

latest invention, created specifically for this purpose: a fully automated

435 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6687 00:17

data reduction pipeline for the FRODOSpec integral field spectrograph which in layman terms was just

436 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6687 01:58

an easier way to search for hobbits, which is yelling at midgets.

437 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6687 10:59

And Dr. Robotnik just couldn't stop yelling at midgets, because it's hobbit-forming.

438 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6687 20:51

Meanwhile, in the offices of the Pun Police

439 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6688 02:14

Sean Connery was playing Jeopardy

440 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6688 11:55

with Dr. Robotnik's PINGAS

441 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6688 13:47

, who went by the name of Charles. Charles had

442 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6689 04:12

five arms

443 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6689 13:18

dealers working for him in various countries. Because of his contacts in the arms trade, he was able to procure

444 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6689 15:20

prototypes that have not been

445 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6690 02:07

inside filthy JEWish rectums. Yet.

446 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6691 11:13

Somewhere else in this vast world, a vipper hijacked a dokyun for pocket change.

447 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6691 15:34

The Dokyun changed the VIPPER's pockets,

448 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6691 16:36

feeling satisfied with the sew service provided, the VIPPER proposed an affiliation between SAOVQ and DQN. However,

449 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6692 01:36

t'was not to be. As any self-respecting Dokyun will tell you, SAoVQ

450 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6692 13:35

would not allow any cooperation without a price. After all, Daddy Cool

451 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6692 14:44

is a JEW and SAoVQ is fags. The price VIPPER demand is gay sex involving trace amounts of scat and 4chan memes.

452 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6692 22:05

It's an evil circle. Daddy Cool's brilliant plan to deprive Jews from their jew gold, for which he invented VIPcoins. But it backfired. Anxious VIPPERS weren't the Jews. In desperation they had to commit petty crimes just to be able to pay him enough. As the days of secretly exchanging VIPcoins for gold and then receiving them back as a "gift", hebrewness of Daddy Cool grew and grew, turning him into a Jew...

...Into the biggest Jew the world ever seen.

His black heart craved for the pure essence of

453 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6692 23:13

an abrupt change of topic. Meanwhile, on a fishing vessel in the North Sea,

454 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6693 01:45

all engines stopped for reasons that could only be explained by

455 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6694 12:01

there being a problem with the engine in some way.

456 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6694 16:23

"Keikaku doori," said Beady Eyes, who had never previously displayed any talent for foreign languages.

Smug Fathead leaped dramatically into the scene, having spotted his nemesis, Beady Eyes. "You!" he shouted.

457 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6694 16:25

.The engine had a problem.

458 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6695 18:42

It was numb, dumb and full of cum.

459 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6695 22:52

Just like this novel!

460 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6696 11:31

But that was besides the point. We had engine problems and we needed a solution. Since Beady Eyes and Smug Fathead were too busy having gay sailor sex, the only one we could call on to fix this problem was

461 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6696 16:40

nobody because the engine got sucked into a spacial vortex sending it off to somewhere in Gensokyo after catching on fire and exploding, killing everything around it with the force of a nuclear bomb because I said so.

The end!

462 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6696 17:54

of >>461's ridiculous input. Anyway, as we were saying, the only one we could call on to fix this problem was

463 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6696 18:17

dead because they died since they were killed.

The end!

Part 3, chapter 3 The Legend of Zelda: Phantasy Star Online Chrono Trigger Monster Hunter Blazblue Project Diva: under the moon loli to issho Subterranean Animism

VC: courshable

464 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6696 23:44

Um, there was an unknown island in the the middle of the

465 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 01:23

Laser kingdom.

466 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 04:27

penis

467 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 05:14

Was considered a delicacy among the native Faget tribe.

468 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 18:03

One member of the tribe, known as

469 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 18:05

PenPen,

470 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 18:27

whose sis was IsIs,

471 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 21:13

the wretched penis harlot.

472 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6697 21:51

Mexican PenPen screamed

473 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 00:27

There was a flash of lightning and a roar of thunder!

474 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 04:54

PenPen was a gundam.

475 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 15:10

Well, maybe more of a Gundam fan. As much as a penguin could be, anyway. "Wark wark," he quacked excitedly. Those Gundam Wing doujin he'd ordered had finally arrived in the mail.

476 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 17:20

Suddenly, an enraged 50 metre tall radioactive

477 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 17:55

cat who referred to itself as "Espeon"

478 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 22:08

sang the song of sorrow,

479 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 22:56

because its real name was Beady Eyes

480 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6698 23:18

"Wark," warked PenPen sadly, meaning (in Penguinese) "Almost five hundred posts and we're still talking about Beady Eyes and dick jokes? Jesus wept."

481 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 06:06

Then, Espeon took PenPen's Gundam doujin and his Ika Musume fig because Espeon is a hairy butt

482 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 11:11

Densha Otoko.

483 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 12:49

Was the only fig Espeon refused to take, for reasons unknown. Some say it's because

484 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 13:14

he ran out of hands, but we all know the true reason is that

485 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 15:49

he wasn't able to come up with a "fig leaf" to cover up such a request. While he was lost in thought, PenPen stole back the doujin and gave it to his male housemate, whom he felt needed to "man up" (the idiom in Penguinese is, oddly, identical) and surely nothing's more masculine than Heero Yuy's speeches before battle.

Meanwhile, many miles beneath the surface of the planet Mars...

486 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 18:33

...lived a merry little mole named Mike. He was his time browsing DQN. Then he noticed the thread that would forever change his life. That thread's name was...

487 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 21:41

( ゚ -゚) Post unhappy things...

The thread that became less and less lighthearted and more and more depressive. Without Post Happy Things thread to balance it out that thread started to spread its disease all other the board, slowly turning its inhabitants into misanthropes and sociopaths.

Mike himself became a troubled person which

488 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6699 23:01

forced him to strengthen his resolve and delve deeper into the painful thing called depression. After experiencing his own little life disappointment, he was ready to step through it's doors and drive himself insane with facing all of his painful memories and regrets to strengthen himself, but only found himself getting weaker and weaker. He tried with all his might to find some sort of strength that depression held, but kept getting weaker and kept destroying his own mentality.

Mike became a pathological liar and lied to everybody to keep this a secret to himself and only to himself because that's the only one who he truly trusted. The whole "merry" thing is nothing more than a charade, but he didn't mind since it only affected him.

One day, when Mike was busy playing a game on his PC

489 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6700 03:02

he heard a tiny voice calling out to him somewhere in his subterranean tunnel system. It sounded far, and he

490 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6700 17:10

couldn't really be bothered to go and investigate. It turns out the voice was actually

491 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6701 14:34

a product of his schizophrenic mind. He had been in the tunnels so long that his mind was starting to become unstable. As we know, this could only mean

492 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6701 14:58

one of a few things!

493 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6701 15:16

But we'll come back to that later. Anyway, the point of this whole story about Mike the depressed Martian mole was to illustrate the

494 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6702 19:59

widespread alienation that exists, in the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system,

495 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6703 06:27

and eating pizza. But that's not the point. The real point to all of this was

496 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6703 13:06

to fill in time before the upcoming 500 GET. And, if you'll cast your gaze back to the previous GETs, you'll

497 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 09:03

probably start complaining that GETs aren't what they used to be in your day, until you get distracted by some young whippersnapper kicking your cane away. Anyway, why

498 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 11:47

wouldn't some asshole make a couple of consequent posts to steal the GET and

499 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 11:55

waste it on some personal fetish? Well, the answer is simply

500 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 12:53

penis.

501 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 16:51

Violent anal sex

502 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 20:01

Suddenly, the terminator appeared out of nowhere.

Spouting the line "Oh yes!" every 3 seconds. His search for Sarah Connor had begun!

503 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6705 21:08

Before we get into the Terminator and why he was seeking out Sarah Connor, we must go back to when he was just a wee robot. You see...

504 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6706 16:03

( ・-・) Butts. Butts butts butts butts butts butts.

505 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6706 16:43

[ ´ɯ`] And indeed, when you're just a wee li'l robot, you don't see much more than butts. Beep boop.

506 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6707 19:02

" said Robopa, shortly before being

507 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6707 19:19

reprogrammed to enjoy looking at butts more than anything. The perpetrator of this nefarious act could be none other than

508 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6707 20:47

( ´ω`) Hello kids!

509 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 00:02

That's right! The pedophile overlord Baron von Kidyydiddler was at it again! His latest scheme to rape supple kid butts could only be stopped by

510 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 00:18

Dr. Robotnik's

511 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 02:26

>>510
robot-clone of Sonic! Who would stop at anything to keep little children from being raped. When he faced Baron von Kidyydiddler he said

512 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 20:27

nothing at all. That was just how he rolled. The baron lost his

513 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 22:33

taste for fine cheeses

514 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 23:15

and his huge, grotesque

515 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 23:26

but gained a long lost power which gave him the ability to

516 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6708 23:52

hover on a noisy column of methane and poo fragments

517 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6709 01:15

which smells pretty nasty really.

518 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6709 06:37

I rode my motorbike out of there like a bat out of hell. I rode for hours, not looking back once. I'd not make a good pillar of salt. The sun rose and set several times, but drowsiness did not deter me. After my stomach could hold out no more, I pulled over at a small family diner.

I decided to seat myself across from a girl. A waitress came with a cup of coffee and offered me a menu, which I refused. "I'd just like a side of eggs and some toast, please." The waitress nodded and headed into the back room.

The girl across from me, stunningly handsome, flashed me a quick, nervous grin before she lost herself in a book. And having no book of my own, I found myself reading her. An honest face with baby blue eyes and convincing bangs of blonde. She couldn't have been more than 19 years old. Her pale skin, almost unhealthily so, was beautiful. It could have been my sleep deprivation talking, but she was the most stunning girl I'd ever laid eyes on.

My food came and I ate it. The girl continued to read, finishing her coffee as I lost myself in my daydreams. "Hey, what's your name?" She looked up. "Espeon," she said, with a thick accent. "Is Russian." I smiled. "Well, my name's Chuck, and it's nice to meet you." I offered her my hand, and she shook weakly. But her hand, while weak, was alive. Espeon. It had a nice ring to it.

519 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6709 14:20

"I'm so fresh, you can suck my nuts."

520 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6709 19:26

said ( ˃ ヮ˂), shortly before being

521 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6709 20:30

Before being shred into pieces by an awesome explosion.
"SHIT FUCKING TIT-BITCHES! NOT THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT PRESSURE COOKER AGAIN!" Rei was visibly upset.

522 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6710 12:14

Suddenly, the entire continent of

523 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6710 13:31

Freedonia

524 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6710 19:42

, whose Eternal President is Richard M. Stallman,

525 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6710 20:22

was enslaved by an army of

526 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6710 22:37

children raised in schools which run proprietary software on all machines, who never said "please" or "thank you" after

527 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6711 00:44

merciful spanking

528 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6711 01:25

in the name of justice and all that is pure in a free and open-source society.

529 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6711 23:43

"Because," Stallman said, pausing to clear his throat: "Although you may pay taxes, that's really not the kind of free state we meant at all. You're guaranteed freedom, but freedom isn't free. My grandfather, Richard M. Stallman the First lost his life and paid for his freedom in blood, in the first Windows war. And with him bled the entire country. Think about that the next time someone tells you to install Gentoo - and consider accepting. Thank you for your time."

530 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6712 00:34

Meanwhile, the Mighty Dongoloid

531 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6712 01:07

(Stallman's long-lost brother, for those just joining us)

532 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6712 01:38

was planning a fanfare of patent trolling for the sole purpose of infuriating his admittedly pathetic, idealist sibling.

Do you think that's realistic?'' He asked the livestream on CNN.com as it buffered occasionally. Richard answered with a gentle nod, unaware that his own putrid flesh and black blood was among his audience. Where is the incentive? How do you satisfy man's desire to conquer if his primary option is to create? The world is not free, my naive little brother. Man, as an evolutionary imperative, must suffer even as he usurps. A society's force, the sheer temperature of its burning core, exists not by pressure nor volume alone, but a proportionate multiplication thereof. Its value, you see - its... ah, worth, one might say - decreases with volume, unless pressure compensates, and visa versa.''

He then proceeded to submit patents for the first and last fifty lines of every C header within the Linux kernel.

533 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6714 18:22

Meanwhile, in Edinburgh, the Cult of Undead Moé had begun a sacred ritual to revive the Great Sky Loli (who died back at >>217,218). Their leader,

534 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6714 18:30

St. Shii DCLXVI,

535 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6714 21:53

of Church WWW,

536 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6715 02:33

wad blessed with a humongous, throbbing

537 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6715 08:14

ego, because

538 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6716 02:44

it's a prerequisite of being a cult leader.

539 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6716 16:38

There was a sudden flash of light and a loud moaning noise - the ritual had been a success! The cult members

540 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6718 10:18

slowly began to take off their clothes and prepared the body of Dr. Robotnik. If all of them successfully came inside of his ass then their diabolical plan would come to fruition. Each of the cult members had their way with Robotnik's nether regions save one, but before the final cultist could call forth the warping, chaotic powers by violently raping Robotnik's ass

541 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6718 14:05

the narrator ran out of breath. Perhaps next time they should try omitting the endless run-on sentences from the ritual.
Meanwhile, other sinister plans were afoot at the

542 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6718 20:32

First Militant Church of Zardoz

543 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6721 20:15

, but these plans were entirely irrelevant because

544 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6722 13:09

they were dying out due to that "penis is evil" bit of their doctrine.

545 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6722 21:18

Back in Edinburgh, the Undead Great Sky Loli was about to commence her reign of terror, starting with

546 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 17:39

a tea party involving

547 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 18:54

Marie Antoinette and her sister

548 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 19:10

Ms. Cho (an illegitimate child, daughter of a ninja).

549 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 21:43

Many important topics were discussed, such as the appropriate number of frills and ribbons one's dress should have, and

550 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 22:13

a conclusion was reached:

551 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 22:29

everyone had to wear special hats to be part of their secret club.

552 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6726 23:21

"Psst, would you like to join a secret club?" said a masculine man in a dark cape

553 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6728 19:36

before being mercilessly crushed to death by the UGSL. Nobody gets into her tea parties uninvited, not even

554 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6728 21:22

your esteemed narrator. You might not have thought about who was narrating this, did you? No one ever thinks about the narrator. I've lived a hard life. It's not as easy as a life you kids today have. You just lock yourselves in your room and jerk off to anime porn. But me? Starting at the age of 12

555 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6729 03:50

I've been starving and going into bouts of

556 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6729 10:56

really unsubtle Touhou references, because I'm a NEET.

557 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6730 06:08

You may know me as Morgan Freeman. And this is my story...

558 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6730 22:56

The Spiral Temple began to gain enormous amounts of political power in the 20s due to the influence of Spiral Power on prominent Politicians as well as the New Spirals introducing themselves to the System. Invisible to the average Citizen their violent right angles called and Screamed out to my electric Soul . They were reaching out, calling to me, screaming. People were losing their minds in the twisted World of Spirals. My eyes cried red blood, my body smiled blue Tears for the work was hard and.

559 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6730 23:38

But then,

560 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6731 00:44

( ゚ ヮ゚) Suddenly, mittens! Thousands of them!

561 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6731 00:49

and On each Mitt was a nother and aother Spiral indiciating that the Power had Spiraled out of control They fell from sky like a Cat or Dog..

562 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6731 11:29

Truly, the mittenpocalypse possessed a terrible beauty. A young man

563 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6732 10:19

of Nordic descent was making his way through

564 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6733 13:30

puberty

565 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6733 20:45

knew that he was developing strong feelings for a

566 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6733 21:25

cardboard cut-out of Keanu Reeves

567 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6734 13:54

(´ε` )♡ "Oh, Kjeanu Rjeeves," he thought.

568 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6734 18:52

Just one glance into the spiralling mittenstorm was all it took to

569 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6734 23:43

( ・-・) derail this thread. Up against the wall, motherfuckers!

570 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6736 16:17

" is what Beady Eyes would have said, were it not for the fact that he has already been killed off several times. Instead,

571 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6736 18:47

He kept his mouth shut and went to his local store to

572 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6736 20:32

derail a serious discussion regarding the

573 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6736 20:37

second coming of jesus christ as defined by the holy bible

574 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6737 05:21

penis

575 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6737 07:57

2: the resurrection

576 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6738 22:00

. The two gentlemen engaging in this discussion

577 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6739 21:27

really wished they were little girls,

578 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6740 00:42

that still had penises

579 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6740 03:24

so that they could

580 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6740 14:27

urinate in more easily. The Greek goddess Aphrodite

581 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 13:48

wondered passingly what the word "in" was doing there in the previous sentence

582 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 13:58

as she polished up the apple so carefully

583 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 15:15

- the very same apple which

584 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 15:24

she had recently

585 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 15:46

stuffed up her vagina and kept in for hours

586 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6742 16:30

as preparation for a sacred ritual to

587 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 09:50

Summon Eris and bring chaos to the world. Meanwhile, Dr. Robotnik began to wake up on the cultists' ritual table.

588 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 12:18

The cultists promptly set fire to

589 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 12:29

a passing Espeon, who ran off screaming and was never seen again.

590 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 12:33

Seeing this, Dr Robotnik decided not to

591 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 12:51

shout “PINGAS”

592 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 14:31

, as he LOVES each and every Espeon quite dearly. Who couldn't?

593 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 18:10

Seeing what he had just written, the author gathered up his last shreds of dignity and designated himself unfit to continue living. He then killed himself. Again.

594 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6752 23:41

The next author promptly took over and swore upon his mother's grave that he would salvage this horrible mess of a short novel and turn it into a true masterpiece. Of course, we all can see where that is going.

595 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 00:05

The new author sighed. He cradled his weary forehead in his hands and poured himself another shot of cheap vodka. He let his stubby, worn fingers fall to the keys of the typewriter and began to write, not even daring to look back at what his poor alcohol addled mind was spewing. Anything to keep his thoughts away from... never mind that.

Chapter 3: Betrayal in Venice

It was raining in

596 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 00:50

Barcelona. There was a sullen despair afoot. Unlike in Venice, where there was only betrayal and sunlight, Barcelona was pretty wet. A young boy pondered this with idle fascination, wondering whether the betrayal in Venice was particularly troublesome that day. Clear skies and a deceptively bright sun usually heralded such behavior.

He would know. He'd been to Venice.

Wondering whether rain and melancholy were preferable to light and deceit, the boy trudged forward uneasily. At least you could trust a person here, he thought. Venice was different. It was mean. You could buy an orange and get a softball, or spend five years working unpaid as, week after week, you were promised wages that never came. Men might lie dead beneath your feet, knives in their backs. Sometimes you tripped over them.

Here, however, it was just wet. Sad and wet. No one knew why and no one bothered to find out.

597 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 14:57

A lonely figure sat in a cramped steamy café, appropriately enough named "The

598 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 15:50

Shitty Cafe."

599 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 16:13

The 600 GET he had ordered was

600 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 21:09

well cooked and lavishly prepared. He added a dash of salt from the shaker and it was just the way he liked it. whilist eating his meal

601 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 21:16

he remembered something his father had once told him:

602 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 21:24

"Son, when you grow up, would you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and

603 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 21:49

those with godawful taste in music?' His father had always been prone to non sequitur after the third whisky or so.

604 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 22:06

He chanced a dreary look beyond the window. It was still raining cats and dogs outside, of course.

Every once in a while, Barcelona

605 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 23:02

was like that. Blood and animal cries filled the streets and his heart with sorrow. Suddenly, his 600 GET just wasn't so tasty anymore. "Excuse me, waitress," he called, "

606 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6753 23:09

as he proceeded to sit in despair at the scene before him. He got so mad that he smacked his plate off of the table and left. He would figure out what caused this travesty if it was the last thing he did. However, he first called...

607 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6755 18:28

his one and only friend in the entire world,

608 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6755 21:03

( ・-・) 'sup

609 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6756 12:54

. Mr Eyes picked up the phone after four rings, greeting him with

610 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 04:39

a comment so vulgar and obscene that Satan, a truck driver, and a sailor looked on in horror at such words.

611 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 08:36

How Satan came to be employed as a truck driver and a sailor is a story for another time.

After a brief exchange of insults, the two gentlemen agreed to

612 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 17:36

fart on their respective mothers and

613 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 17:46

got arrested. In jail they

614 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 20:15

languished and lamented for weeks until, by a bizarre stroke of luck,

615 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6757 21:57

they got released. Turns out you can only be jailed for so long when the worst crime they can pin on you is Conspiracy to Break Wind on a Family Member. Who knew?

616 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6758 21:36

( ・-・) The Shadow knows.

617 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6758 21:41

" said the schizophrenic,

618 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6758 21:45

It was about this time the author realized he had completely gone astray and, for the sake of passable literature, probably ought never write and drink in the near future. Halfway to inebriated forgetfulness, however, and anxious to hammer out a somewhat logical plot before blacking out entirely, he trudged on. His efforts were admirable at the least - really quite astounding at the most, given his vodka-induced stupor.

We at the Gutenberg Project are therefore proud to present the work salvaged from the wreckage of that long and tiresome night.

Chapter 4: It's Always Sunny In Venice

619 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6759 12:46

Mr Gray was not having a good evening. His best

620 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6759 22:24

jockstrap snapped, cheapest condoms

621 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6760 19:55

were sold out, and his Thai masseuse

622 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6760 22:07

inserted

623 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6760 23:14

her cock into his rectum without even the common courtesy to give him a reacharound. He wasn't too sure whether the female pronoun still applied in this case, either. And to top it all off,

624 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6760 23:43

Venice was still a rather shitty place to live.

625 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6760 23:50

Super Mario

626 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6761 04:25

, in short, wasn't feeling super at all today.

627 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6761 07:00

Yet, the neko-android still decided to

628 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6761 12:22

try to sell enough magazine subscriptions to win a pizza party. This attempt was met with

629 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6761 16:20

ubiquitous disinterest.

The depressed Venetians were all

630 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6761 21:07

blind

631 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6762 12:47

drunk, alone in their own apartments, wishing they

632 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6762 21:43

had felt instead of thought, and become tanasinn.

633 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6762 21:50

But it was not to be. Their combined powers of loneliness, however, turned out to be the source of power for

634 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6762 22:37

Italian Power Metal bands, who used that power to power their power-hungry amplifiers in order to show their audiences (with their strange insistence on attending concerts in powers of two) the power of RAWK. Powerfully.

635 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6762 23:09

It was totally rad, but

636 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 02:49

Islam has infused, absorbed, supplanted and dialoged with

637 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 03:06

a pig's anus

638 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 08:29

to such a degree that it is no longer of any relevance to this story.

639 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 12:54

The insignificant machinations of the poor wretched Venetians were about to be overshadowed entirely by

640 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 13:09

Dr. Robotnik's

641 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 13:55

elbow.

In fact, it was around this time that Dr. Robotnik's elbow, Eddie, had gained awareness of itself and begun its journey of criticizing others. He had buried himself deep into the sunset sandbox of his childhood days, the cold wet sand tickling his nerve endings, when he felt a soft, fleshy sensation that was unmistakably the warm cheek of Venice.

Mr. Gray

642 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 17:05

didn't even begin to

643 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 20:21

What did /a/ think of True Tears? shughive

644 Name: >>642.5 : 1993-09-6763 20:39

care about questions like "

645 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6763 22:56

He was too busy plotting how to become an Earl and have a flavor of tea named after him.

646 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6764 08:35

Unfortunately for Mr Gray,

647 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6765 02:34

the predicament of such magnitude he found himself accost,

648 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6765 12:03

with thoughts that could only be described ( as per the words of James Goldstein III, writer for the Dallas Autismal Times) as "the most sadistic, violent, and erotic thoughts since..."

649 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6765 12:29

[the rest of the comment was omitted by order of

650 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6766 03:39

MODD].

651 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6766 04:26

In any case, the trap was set. And who better to trip it than the man himself - the one whom all those years before had

652 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6766 07:50

lost himself in fantasy and lost sight of his true self.

Yes, years ago, this man had woven together an elaborate narrative in which he himself had posed as various characters, including a Panda, Beady Eyes, Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, George Bush CXXIX, Ran-tan-tan, the sexy nurse from pokemon, Franz Kafka, Lord "Cat Fanny" Catfannerkins, Robopa, Deequn, Clonepa, Grandpa, Arf, the great sky loli, Tristan, Claire, Reimu, Marisa, Gerald Jay Sussman, Roger Ebert, Dr. Robotnik, Snorlax, Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, Phil Collins, Takakazu Abe, Masaki Michishita, Porky Pig, Captain Gay Sparkle, Doctor Fujiwara, Mr. DQN Short Novel, DQN-kun, Woll Smoth, Wool Smooth, Sean Connery, Charles, Daddy Cool, Smug Fathead, PenPen, IsIs, Mike, the terminator, Richard M. Stallman, St. Shii DCLXVI, Marie Antoinette, Ms. Cho, a young man of Nordic descent, Aphrodite, Super Mario, the neko-android, Eddie the elbow, and of course, Mr. Gray himself.

But now Mr. Gray was about finally realize the madness in which he had been living. In his final dying moments after stumbling upon his own trap, all would become clear: he and these characters had been one and the same all along.

But just as Mr. Gray was about to stumble into his own trap,

653 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6766 15:22

his evil twin brother

654 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6767 00:42

wished him a happy St. Patrick's Day. Momentarily distracted, Mr. Gray

655 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6767 01:04

took a run for it and

656 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6767 12:28

somehow ended up in Timbuktu. The

657 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6767 15:42

Malian Empire had waned, but the Timbuktu-to-Bamako rail line was

658 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6767 18:01

the same it had always been. That is to say; shitty and in terrible condition.

659 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 03:18

It wasn't the only thing that was shitty and in terrible condition, as

660 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 11:22

Mr Gray's mental health was in a similar state. Without a

661 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 12:02

parasol to keep him from the rain, the drops smacking his bald head through the roofless train brought back terrible memories of

662 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 16:51

his young life on the pigeon farm, where

663 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 17:02

his parents raised him as a pigeon, keeping him in a tiny cage and feeding him breadcrumbs. Even today, he occasionally

664 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 21:09

ate stale bread from a stainless steel bowl, while feeling rather self-conscious. Alas, said bowl―a family heirloom―was nowhere to be found among his luggage.

665 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 21:14

Suddenly, accompanied by wailing and gnashing of teeth, the train screeched to a halt

666 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6768 23:25

as the driver had nodded off at the controls and slumped forward at an unfortunate angle.

667 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6769 06:19

The passengers slowly looked up from the personal worlds into which they had each retreated and wearily eyed each other warily. Nobody moved, all waiting for somebody else to do their thinking for them. Finally a rugged man on his way to the Bamako salt mines stood up and said,

668 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6769 14:27

"I'm tired of these motherfucking people on this motherfucking train!" He then proceeded to

669 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6769 17:08

go back to doing his sudoku, looking somewhat self-concious. His outcry prompted

670 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6769 22:28

Mr. Gray to open the emergency window

671 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6770 08:40

, which caused a rogue stream of wind to whisk his sunglasses straight into the sky.

672 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6770 12:48

"Penis!" he swore.

673 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6770 13:14

His sunglasses flew away unheeding. They were about to begin a voyage of discovery, in which

674 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6772 05:19

the not-so-glorious god of

675 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6772 07:32

lolis in the sky would battle

676 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6772 15:45

with her own feelings of inadequacy. You see, even though she successfully annexed Poland,

677 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6772 23:15

she still secretly wished to have breasts. Thus, upon discovering Mr. Gray's sunglasses,

678 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6773 15:29

she took out her frustration on them by

679 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6774 11:53

wearing them upside-down.

680 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6774 15:49

Mr Gray was not aware of these events transpiring; he was

681 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6774 22:07

a penis.

682 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6775 08:33

connoisseur, well known for

683 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6775 22:03

the lengthy reviews of not-so-lengthy phalluses he regularly publishes on his tumblr.

684 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6776 08:52

Eventually, everyone's

685 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6776 14:09

thoughts and train carriages simultaneously derailed and everything floated off into space, causing

686 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6776 15:06

Mr Gray to wonder what had happened to gravity.

687 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 01:27

He poked his head out the window to investigate, and saw that the cause of this madness was

688 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 02:18

the great sky loli, whose bold fashion statement of twisted sunglassery had thrown the universe into chaos.

689 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 12:35

"Oh no!" lamented

690 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 12:57

the Bamakonian salt miner, "I've been doing this sudoku upside-down!"

691 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 13:17

Naturally, the

692 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 13:31

rest of Mr. Gray's night proceeded in rather the same manner as always.

693 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 21:46

That is to say, he began by pouring himself a glass of

694 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6777 23:56

piss

695 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 11:21

-poor quality Latvian wine and

696 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 15:55

melting a chunk of butter in a saucepan on low heat. The deliciously putrid stench of gas

697 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 18:52

was emanating strongly from between Dr. Robotnik's buttocks, along with a peculiar sound.

698 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 20:44

These were - of course - obvious signs of an upcoming momentous GET. However unlikely it may seem,

699 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 22:37

( ・-・) 700GE-- well, poo.

700 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6778 23:29

said Beady Eyes, narrowly missing the GET and leaving it open for none other than the mysterious masked assassin Arf, who said,

701 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 00:04

"Arf."

702 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 12:47

before returning to his master: none other than

703 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 14:47

the Bamakonian salt miner, who was actually

704 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 15:23

a subordinate of Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, who had been subversively gathering GETs in preparation for a nefarious plot involving

705 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 18:31

the Big Book Of DQN Mad-Libs, half a ton of rancid yak butter, and a very depraved

706 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 20:23

Quake player.

707 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6779 20:57

I cannot make sense of this story anymore.

708 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6779 23:07

- interrupted Grandpa, "You, kids, got youself quite a vivid fantasy. When I was a young lad like you... and trust me I was..."

709 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 00:13

Without a word, the author stopped typing. He took the last two chapters, crumpled them up and threw them in the bin. Casually, with a practised motion, he then took out a lighter, poured a healthy dose of lighter fluid over it and set them on fire.

Chapter 3 Version II:

710 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 00:41

Nobody Cares About Venice

711 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 02:30

After the invasion of the Penis People of the planet Uranus,

712 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 03:12

was defeated by the One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters,

713 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 04:38

a flickering fluorescent hallway lined with marble statues stretched out before the eyes of

714 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 11:44

the last remaining

715 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 17:36

big fat butt.

716 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 18:03

To commemorate the occasion, it said unceremoniously,

717 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 19:25

"frrrrrrrrrp."

718 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 21:34

Shrouded in silent twilight, the Danube river took on an ethereal gleam, its silver surface reflecting the

719 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 22:26

cloudy figure of the great loli in the sky as she drifted gracefully across the sky, eternally searching for

720 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 22:45

her lost cat. The feline in question had died long ago,

721 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6780 23:28

in a tragic teleporter accident that Prof. Kleiner still refuses to admit happened, but the great loli in the sky was OK with the idea of recovering her pet in a gaseous state, just as long as she got it back at all.

722 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 02:14

Little did she know that light years away, her cat had just been farted out the last remaining big fat butt. This cat, whose name was

723 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 06:58

Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III

724 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 15:22

, had been an integral part of the

725 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 15:34

East Prague Underground Democratic Movement

726 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6781 17:03

; a group aiming to eradicate

727 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 08:53

democracy, which everyone thought was kind of odd except for

728 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 09:04

Prof. Kleiner, who was rather sober about the dichotomous shift.

729 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 10:22

Without the guidance of Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, the EPUDM

730 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 18:57

stooped as low as accepting the application of one big fat butt, despite the clearly visible Snidely Whiplash moustache whenever you squinted at its shadow from just the right angle. This could not possibly end well, and few were surprised when, exactly seventeen days and one hour later,

731 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6782 23:07

devilish acts of sodomy transpired in the catacombs.

732 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 02:29

After all, the EPUDM was well-known for its fondness of devilish acts of sodomy.

733 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 06:32

What did surprise everybody was that during the sodomistic confusion, the moustached big fat butt had managed to infiltrate the depths of EPUDM headquarters.

You see, the teleportation incident had been no accident. The BFB had carefully engineered Alistair's transfer into his body, in order to orchestrate this very infiltration. The accidental flatulence of said leader had not been part of the plan, but the BFB wasn't too worried - he had already stolen Alistair's DNA and passwords, which was enough to make it through EPUDM security. He hardly imagined that a gaseous cat floating through space would be able to stop him now.

Now at the center of EPUDM and armed with full administrative power over their systems, the BFB rubbed his cheeks together with joy and prepared to finally enact his dastardly plan:

734 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 07:57

swapping all their coffee with decaf, leaving their milk unrefridgerated, and, when nobody was expecting it, detonating the on-site emergency nuclear warhead.

His plan

735 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 12:43

was surely flawless. Unfortunately for BFB, the great sky loli

736 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 15:38

loved drinking lukewarm milk (if you know what I mean), and in fact had stored several small milk containers hidden underneath the detonation button. Thus, when it was pressed, the only thing to detonate was the console containing the button, with a pungent sour smell that would surely end up getting blamed on BFB.

737 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 19:43

Without warning, a squadron of armed soldiers wearing the Second Prussian Alliance Natural Killers insignia burst through the doors. In a rugged manly voice, the squadron leader shouted "You

738 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 21:30

VIOLATED THE LAW! STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!"

739 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6783 22:34

But then BFB ran into a dark alley and removed his Gray Fox mask, and everyone was cool again.

Chapter 4: A gaseous cat in the knee

740 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 04:29

Three nights ago, before the whole incident with the Great Sky Loli (whom everyone, might it be said, believed to have exited the story forever), a man by the name of Polymer Pete had completed his greatest invention. It was

741 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 08:03

rather unimpressive, to be honest. It didn't even

742 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 09:48

permanently eliminate world hunger, or make peace between warring nations. Still, as Polymer Pete's inventions went, it was the best he was likely to come up with in a long time. Maybe this one would make his mother acknowledge his existence once more, and Polymer Pete had never desired any better outcome.

743 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 10:03

His invention had been perfected - however,

744 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 11:05

the most unfortunate event would transpire precisely three days later, shortly after Polymer Pete's invention was unveiled. You see, he was never much of an engineer to begin with. But the EPUDM needed him, for he was in fact the only capable engineer supportive of their cause. Thus when they contracted him to invent the console which would control the launch of their nuclear warhead, they had no idea how faulty it would turn out to be.

745 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 17:43

Hence, when the BFB pushed the button, an

746 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 20:35

entire squadron of Imperial Guardsmen swarmed out of the portal that had appeared instead of the expected launched nuke.
They looked around and saw all of this heresy and were disgusted. "Hail the Emprah!", they shouted, and immediately began to

747 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6784 21:02

glance at each other nervously, unsure of exactly what to do. You see, this particular squadron

748 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 07:28

had a habit of going into battle completely unarmed. As a consequence, they went through new recruits like a chainsword through warm butter, but that's no reason to break with a perfectly fine regimental tradition.

749 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 10:20

"Does the 750th post even count as a GET these days?" inquired

750 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6785 10:34

Tharsh, who had recently been born of an interesting captcha but already posessed the mental and physical traits of a fully-grown adult. He then proceeded to

751 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 01:08

butter his toast with a chainsword.

752 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 12:43

"WHARRRGARBL! Toast for breakfast!" screamed Tharsh. Tharsh was cranky because he had toast crumbs inside his power armor.

753 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 13:08

The GSL effortlessly lifted Tharsh from the room and told him

754 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 13:12

that breakfast was long since over, and it was better to think about tea-time instead.

755 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 15:24

Upon alighting, Tharsh did his very best to restrain his barbarian toastly urges and engage in the tea party in a civilised manner, as was expected of him. Nonetheless, he couldn't

756 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 15:34

seem to find the sugar bowl. This misfortunate absence of a dish convenient for hiding small things like sugar or microphones caused Tharsh to

757 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 16:40

make impromptu use of his nostrils for the job, which aside from looking very silly was also terribly inefficient.

758 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 17:48

Marie Antoinette and her sister, who were also attending the tea party, were not amused. They

759 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 19:08

found that they were much more efficient at disposing bodies than giving birth to them. One of them gave birth to a body of water and created a planet similar to earth. The other stopped in her tracks and

760 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 19:35

was run over by a freight train.

Regrettably, a certain large obtuse backside was

761 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 20:13

not also killed in the accident... or was it an accident? In fact,

762 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6786 21:32

nobody had their eyes open during the concert, it was the coincidence of the century: everybody blinked at the same time. Newspapers

763 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 01:49

were outdated by several centuries - therefore no longer existed - and so instead,

764 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 11:19

people held large rectangular sheets of low-quality paper covered entirely in adverts. This meant that the

765 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 11:53

new planet's creation was utterly missed by the entire population of the solar system, who were too busy looking for a good bargain on shoes.

766 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6787 12:33

Tharsh gazed at his surroundings, as though seeing them for the first time, and saw his world for what it truly was:

767 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 05:11

an incredibly complex roguelike game made of political intrigues rather than monster slaying.

768 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 06:33

It was anal leakage in a downright horrid way.

769 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 06:42

Speaking of anal leakage, the gaseous cat was busy

770 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 12:12

being completely inconsequential, although he was sure he fit in this whole fiasco some way or another.

"What a gas!" he said as he

771 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 13:55

drifted through the window of an adult entertainment store.

772 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 17:00

Meanwhile, in the Oort cloud,

773 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 17:31

a sinister swarm of nanobots was approaching the solar system,

774 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6788 17:43

intent on restructuring the Earth into the shape of

775 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 09:26

a giant rodent - which their extraterrestrial employers would assuredly find very humorous.

As it approached Earth, the massive swarm resembled a

776 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 09:44

sinister swarm of nanobots.

"Stop!" said

777 Name: ( ・-・) : 1993-09-6789 10:14

Beady Eyes. "I'm really happy for you, I'm-a let you finish, but we have to acknowledge I'm the greatest thread hijacker of all time."

778 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 11:31

But nobody would hear him, and he then asphyxiated due to an inability to breathe interstellar plasma.

779 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 13:46

"Arf," said

780 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 14:43

the queen of

781 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 15:01

Catland. The entire population was shocked to hear such canine response from their feline ruler.

782 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 15:37

"...is what I would say if I were a wretched dog, like our sworn enemy!" she continued, flustered and desperate to recover the situation, lest her true canine identity be discovered. Fortunately, the residents of Catland were stupid enough to buy it. Actually, most of them had already completely forgotten about the whole affair and were more occupied by basking in a sunbeam.

"Anyway, I have an important announcement to make," said the queen. "It's about King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III...

783 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:14

--Nyaaagh!" With that undignified screech, the queen was dead. She had been assassinated by none other than

784 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:23

Niccolo Machiavelli, brought back to life by

785 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6789 20:31

the Edinburgh Cult of Undead Moé. Naturally, the citizens of Catland

786 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 00:21

were completely indifferent to the whole affair, being notoriously difficult to lead at the best of times. Most of them had never even realized there had ever been a queen of Catland, and wouldn't have cared even if they had known.

787 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:42

Yet this was par for the golf course of feline monarchy, perhaps even a birdie or an eagle, but then nobody was keeping score, especially not the caddy, for Catland royalty specialized in being completely inconsequential. Thus, Niccolo Machiavelli

788 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:45

had to concede that his political theories only really work on humans.

789 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 01:49

Disappointed and sexy, Niccolo slunk off into space to forget his problems. But his problems were just beginning.

790 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 14:14

That very second, the nanobots landed and promptly deployed their specialised

791 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 15:27

protein regurgitating apparati. Niccolo has no choice but to

792 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 21:18

throw raw bacon at them in the hopes of delaying them long enough for him to make his getaway. He silently thanked fate that he had thought to fill his pockets with raw bacon that morning in case of

793 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6790 23:29

breakfast. Breakfast without bacon would be uncivilized, after all.

794 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 01:02

Nanobots momentarily pacified, he ran to the only place he could think of:

795 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 02:20

Venice.

796 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 02:31

Part 4: Clandestine Cat Culture and the Carnivorous Calico Cormorant
In which Mr. Gray discovers that he made more tea than he bargained for; Barcelona encounters an unnatural wind; nanobots introduce the novel concept of marriage; a fleshy traitor witnesses an underground bowel movement; a former chairman organizes an assassin's conference; a celestial flat-chested female demonstrates the folly of flirting with fashion; felines gather swiftly in a secret salt mine; a panda and a formerly fictional nurse elope to Tijuana; internet characters interrupt the narrative with unrelated concepts; other things probably happen too but who the hell knows what is even going on anymore

797 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 08:44

"My, my. This will not do."

An old maxim once said, or at least to the best of Mr. Gray's memory went something alone the lines of, "Too much tea turns the gentlest men bitter." A profusion of whipping steam rose from his mug. Between ponderous sips he glanced to the pot, now to the tea before him, wondering whether such a statement could possibly hold true. After all, one may simply invite a guest or two to partake in the excess.

"But what, then, if it has cooled upon arrival?"

No - that would be terrible. He sipped with caution. Though the tea had come in large amounts, he steadfastly refused its unceremonious declination. Good tea is the impetus of an excellent day. Perhaps he would leave it to sit, pouring yet another serving should his thirst be so inclined.

"Indeed, I am fond of the stuff. Yet would that I took too much, and too soon, might I eventually be repulsed by its mere aroma?"

Not good. Not good at all.

Interrupting his thoughts,

798 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 09:12

more thoughts thoughtlessly thought their way into Mr. Gray's thought thoroughfare. Those thoughts were in turn interrupted by a third set of thoughts remotely related to the first thoughts. But these third thoughts were thoughtlessly interwoven with yet a fourth thought process. The fourth thoughts were thoroughly thoughtful, though Mr. Gray thought that that thought ought to have been thought through on Thursday.

Then a fifth thought interrupted all the rest: the tea was already growing lukewarm. A shiver shot through Mr. Gray's spine. This tea was going to

799 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 09:50

become cold, and that wouldn't do at all. He picked up the teapot and began gulping down the cooling tea directly from the spout.

800 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 11:19

The tea dripped down his throat like an overturned bucket of paint pouring down the side of a building. The spout smelled metallic. Mr. Gray

801 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 11:24

, in his hysteria, had completely neglected to claim his 800 GET.

Meanwhile, just outside Barcelona, a deadly

802 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 11:44

pack of desiccant

803 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 13:04

lay motionless by the side of the dusty road, just as it had done for the past eighteen years. Its time would assuredly come.

804 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 13:47

A devastating storm of flatulence was building up inside

805 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 14:05

unfortunately it could not escape unless

806 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 20:31

someone opened a window. "Whew, I'll open a window," said Mr. Gray. "It smells like farts in here!"

807 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 20:41

Predictably enough, the second the window opened,

808 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 20:55

the universe proceeded an infinitesimal amount towards maximum entropy.

809 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6791 22:34

The stench swept over the streets of

810 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 14:46

Manhattan New York

811 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 16:48

Whose inhabitants sniffed the air cautiously and said, "Hmm, the wind must be blowing from New Jersey today."

812 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 19:22

A young man, whom you will recall as the young boy of some preceding chapter or other, remarked that this particular ill-scented tumult was rather akin to the chaos of Barcelona - a city he knew well. But for the difference of the disaster - farts rather than storms - it was all too similar. Suddenly reminiscing upon his faraway home, he wondered (as he oft did) whether or not it was very windy there today.

813 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 20:00

As it happens, it was. Unnaturally so.

Elsewhere, the nanobot swarm had just descended upon

814 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 21:20

Midgar and

815 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 21:44

neatly arranged itself into several distinct humanoid forms, all donning garb which was characteristic of the region. One was a Rune Knight, another an Assassin Cross. Many more couldn't figure out the proper algorithm for complex costumes, and so defaulted to Novices for the time being.

As they walked through the

816 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6792 23:33

unending tutorial levels with benign grimaces spread across their face façades,

817 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 15:03

enticing them to dip their wicks in the great gaynus,

818 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 16:07

they realized that mere companionship was not enough to satisfy their need for each other.

819 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 16:59

For some pieces of eight, the deal was done,

820 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 18:16

they had freaky sex, and their depravity begun.

821 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 20:40

In no time, they were performing rituals to Slaanesh fit to sicken any upstanding individual.

822 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6793 21:27

A local priest

823 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 01:38

was quite alarmed and

824 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 01:46

hired the sexiest women he knew to seduce them:

825 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 10:08

"But they are not human" said she, and the deal was off.

Having quite forgotten their original intent, the humaniform nanobot swarm

826 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 10:43

spent their days trolling Internet forums in the brief periods between orgies. Several years passed in this manner, until

827 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 12:15

an extreme fundamentalist Christian hacker altered their programming to make them

828 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 12:41

hate fags, and hold pickets announcing it at inappropriate times and places.

829 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 13:17

One such inappropriate place was in the EPUDM headquarters, where the big fat butt was busy

830 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6794 14:40

taking a nasty shit, as fat butts are wont to do.

831 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 10:44

But this was no regular shit. This was a revolution.

832 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 14:10

No British cigarette hater would be safe.

833 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 14:59

Speaking of British cigarette haters, the former Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII - who, miraculously, had not yet been killed off - was

834 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 15:22

miraculously killed off in a mysterious explosion somewhere off the coast of Bolivia.

835 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 16:02

The explosion had been caused by a tragic

836 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 18:01

Plane Crash, Caused by a

837 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 18:30

shocking overuse of capital letters. Shortly before his tragic and untimely demise, the former chairman convened with

838 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 19:04

Nyarlathotep

839 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 19:40

, in order to figure out the exact meaning of the word "Nyarlathotep".

840 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 19:45

Sadly, the knowledge drove him mad just in time to be mercifully exploded.

841 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 22:16

Nyarlathotep, which was a group of furry feline assassin experts, proceeded to play with string and stretch in sunbeams.

842 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 22:25

One member of Nyarlathotep uttered a discontented "にゃ〜!" at her sunbeam being blocked by the GSL floating past the window. The loli in question was wearing

843 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 22:35

on Nyarlathotep's nerves lately, because of her

844 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6795 23:55

Incessant singing of

845 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 07:12

Tsurupettan

846 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 09:28

and her donning of

847 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 11:07

a sukumizu, which just looked annoying and didn't reveal much. Some time later the EPUDM caught sight of the GSM and proceeded to

848 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 11:49

utilise the Galvanised Sheet Metal for constructing

849 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 12:14

whirling serrated blades of death

850 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 12:34

which proceeded to slice up the group of fundamentalist nanobot protestors which had drifted into its path, along with a metric shit-ton of feces being blasted out of the BFB, resulting in a hectic cloud of poo and robots being flung in every direction.

The shit had hit the fan.

851 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 14:31

Sensing danger, Nyarlathotep took their leave and went to join their fellow feline companions in

852 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 15:04

Barcelona.

853 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 15:22

Here, they rendezvoused with innumerable other cats of all shapes and sizes, before continuing their pilgrimage to the Cardona Salt Mountain, roughly 90km away. The journey

854 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 15:29

In the sky, a rusty gust busted through Barcelona's musty crust. Those that once would blush now fussed and bussed about with untrustworthy lust. The brush just crushed to mush in a hush. Thus gushed the August dust.

"Meow," announced

855 Name: >>853.5 : 1993-09-6796 15:33

was interrupted by strange winds were afoot in the Barcelona atmosphere.

856 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 16:07

a passing dog. This was, of course,

857 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6796 20:07

a spy for the Holy Canine Empire, under the benevolent guidance of Kaiser Bowser, peace be upon him.

(no, not the turtle. He's a bulldog. Get your facts straight.)

858 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6797 07:11

The Nyarlathotep prudently feigned ignorance. Safely out of earshot, they began to discuss whether it should be safest to continue upon their presupposed path or make for another province, by which they might gauge the extent of Kaiser Bowser's reach. They were at the moment, however, quite

859 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6797 07:33

drenched with poo and nanobots, so they decided to first clean themselves with

860 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6797 17:25

cat pee

861 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6797 17:39

. However, they didn't realize that cat pee was the secret catalyst to unlocking the nanobots' true, fearsome form:

862 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6797 18:17

microscopic critters easily flushed away by the tiniest amount of cat pee. Later, in the sewers,

863 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6798 02:57

the nanobots realized they could now abandon their embarrassing job as Professional Homosexual Haters. They gathered up what little dignity they had left, and decided to take up the noble task of granting marriage licenses to couples passing through the sewers, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, race, species, intelligence level, blood type, gamer score, ice cream flavor preference, eye color, age, number of limbs, criminal history, gait, hat collection or tenuity of existence.

Their first two customers were

864 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 16:50

DQN-kun and his beloved waifu. They had come to be in the sewers after an unfortunate incident involving

865 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 16:51

a video game quest that, inexplicably, required them to be there.

866 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 17:19

"Excuse me, may we pass through here?" asked DQN-kun. The nearest nanobot replied "

867 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 17:35

No, but you may now kiss the buraido." And indeed, DQN-kun's waifu was now wearing a ringu on her fingeru.

868 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 20:18

Suddenly, Dr Fujiwara rolled in, armed with a shocking revelation: "I have reason to believe," he proclaimed, "that DQN-kun is in fact a panda!"

Amidst a flurry of whispers, DQN-kun's waifu (who, as it happens, was a nurse) grasped DQN-kun's paw and the two of them ran off into the sunset in the general direction of Tijuana.

Chapter 4½: The Secret Lives of Ducks

869 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6799 23:25

An odd thing about ducks is their tendency to sway and blush in response to perfectly average questions. One is forced to step back and re-examine one's own assessment of "perfectly average." This is no matter of chance. Though the public lives of ducks are peacefully spent with pleasant floats and quacks, few realize the complex social world ducks secretly inhabit.

"Quack," said

870 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 00:28

Daffy, moments before handing the dynamite to Bugs.

871 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 02:49

"Thanks Doc," said Bugs, calmly accepting the dynamite with a smug smile. Daffy ran some distance away, shut his eye and plugged his ears, expecting an explosion. But moments later, the sizzling dynamite fuse sizzled out. Daffy opened his eyes, saw that the fuse had stopped burning, and stormed angrily back over to Bugs.

"Give me that!" he demanded, snatching the dynamite out of Bugs' hands. The dynamite promptly exploded, turning Daffy into a burnt husk with a bill. The skinny husk then comically fell to the ground in a pile of ash, with the disembodied duck bill on top, which said,

"You're despicable."

Bugs crunched on his carrot. A single tear fell from his eye. He hadn't asked for this life. He hadn't asked to fall in love. And yet he was doomed to a life of cool antagonism, endless casting heart-wrenching injuries upon a duck to whom he could never show his true feelings.

872 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 10:56

Meanwhile, in a shady Parisian alleyway, a

873 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 14:55

particularly gentlemanly pig was busy shelling out the cash for his next fix.

"G-g-give it here, f-folks," he said, with no small hint of agitation. He had to have it now, or else.

Two pairs of eyes darted to one another in the gloom of the damp, dark space. This swine with a bow-tie was a faithful buyer, but he didn't always carry exact change. Sometimes they gave him the stuff anyway. Sometimes they let him beg for it, watched as the pathetic animal got on his thin knees and squealed for all he was worth.

As Porky counted out what he thought were forty big ones, the two shadowy figures shifted impatiently. This was getting old. "Why don't we just nick 'im, cut 'is throat like a good litt'l piggeh?" they'd once joked. "'e ain't 'elpin' nobody, 'e ain't mean nothin' to the world."

874 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 15:12

but just then, DQN-kun and his newly-wedded waifu

875 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6800 15:32

arrived home and found that both their hug pillows torn to shreds

876 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6801 19:47

was not the sight which was awaiting them. Instead, their living room was occupied by

877 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6801 21:02

Jack Noir

878 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 02:34

, who was busy tearing their hug pillows to shreds.

879 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 06:17

"Son of a b-b uh son of a b-b-b son of a b-b-gun!" said Porky in the neighboring alley. He was one short of forty big ones.

880 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 06:26

Fortunately, the goods only cost thirty-nine big ones.

881 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 11:29

Shanghai's finest

882 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 15:07

ass-ass inns

883 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 17:46

were crowded with

884 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 17:55

big fat butts.

885 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 17:57

You see, in the commotion, the world's last big fat butt had managed to clone himself without being noticed.

886 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6802 20:42

The ensuing tidal wave of genetically identical posteriors

887 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 11:05

brought about the end of the world. Again.

Two centuries later,

888 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 11:15

DQN-kun rose from the ashes, clutching the remains of his hope and his hug pillow.

889 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 18:05

He arose to the sight of a bleak and horrible world, a world without

890 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 18:22

mittens, and even without pizza delivery services.

891 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 20:21

And yet, in his heart, he knew that this story would never again

892 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 23:24

involve Dr. Robotnik, for alas, all his tomorrows were spent.

893 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6803 23:55

However, a new scientist would discover Dr. Robotnik's abandoned lab, and decided to continue what was started. This new scientist was named

894 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 00:13

William Spade

895 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 00:27

, and he seemed to have an uncanny knack for stumbling upon empty laboratories. Why, he could tell you all about the days he spent as a kid opening locked doors and busting into closed stalls.

896 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 00:32

Man, were those two men with their pants down that he broke in on once ever angry.

897 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 08:46

But none of that mattered now, because he had killed them. Just as he had killed

898 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 10:57

any attempt at narrative continuity in this story. So now, William teamed up with Dr. Robotnik to build the greatest PINGAS the world had ever seen.

899 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 11:24

They have mined gold and diamonds from the depths of Mother Earth and built the mightiest, the most beautiful diamond-encrusted gold cock in the Milky Way Galaxy.

900 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 11:57

The 900GET was a solemn affair. William held it in his hands, carefully testing its weight. From over his shoulder, the undead Dr Robotnik said "

901 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 12:52

TOUCH MY PINGAS." And William said, "But my dear sir, I already am."

902 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 13:16

DQN-kun was shocked and disgusted by this unholy display of hedonism and pingas touchery. He swore in his waifu's name to

903 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 17:41

obliterate all scoundrels in the known universe and

904 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 18:16

send a very clear warning to those from without.

But the tale was quickly coming to an end. Resolute that he should tie up all loose ends, reconnoitring the roster of rogue characters and turning their disparate vignettes into a plausible whole, DQN-kun set off on a journey that would take him straight across all of space and even some select portions of time.

It was, by this point, the year 50,000, and man had already done a bang-up job of spreading himself across the solar system. Furthermore,

905 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6804 19:23

every single human being in the entire universe was dead. Yes, all of them. Dr Robotnik was a reanimated corpse, William was never actually a character to begin with and was just a figment of the reader's imagination, DQN-kun was God and DQN-kun's waifu was an ethereal entity from a parallel universe.

48,007 years previously,

906 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 20:53

the author gave up

907 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 21:29

watching lolicon anime, but it was already too late.

908 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 21:50

around the fifth bottle of vodka.

Scanning scattered notes whose fevered scrawlings were all illegible, a kernel of determination grew within his now sober soul. There had to be a pattern here. Some bastion of coherence, even a single plot device with which he could begin to patch up this meandering mess of a nearly finished novel. But where? he asked himself.

That was the question.

He set to work pulling together the cast of characters he'd unwittingly let fall from his formerly frantic mind. A Panda, Beady Eyes, Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, George Bush CXXIX, Ran-tan-tan, Franz Kafka. As he read and re-read just the first several lines, a ray of glistening comprehension shone through his entire being. A few, however, jumped at him from the page like tumultuous fires from the greatest depths of hell.

A 2 is gotten
by A Panda
... promptly derailed by Beady Eyes
Hate - the bite that sets the universe in motion.

He considered the Panda and Beady Eyes as two perpetually warring forces of nature. Reincarnated many times over, their bitter dispute would form the cosmic backdrop of the thing. Yes, it was beginning to come along quite nicely. They had existed since time immemorial, springing into disastrous disruption of mankind's affairs at the most pivotal epoch in his technological evolution - the dawning of the Interstellar Era.

New Manchuria was their first Earthly arena. Accelerating the rate of human development, Beady Eyes had birthed himself as the assassin George Bush CXXIX. He succeeded in a brief massacre, murdering the nearest medical professionals, lest they should discover his unnatural feat. Enter A Panda, whom as Ran-tan-tan had quelled the air of morbid with his characteristically humorous antics.

From there,

909 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6805 23:49

the shit hit the fan.

910 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 00:01

Espeon become insane and insisted on always using his tripcode, wriggling it around like a shiny golden diamond-encrusted dick which it wasn't.

In the end, people had their memories of sheltered childhood destroyed and obliterated. For this Espeon was sent to North Corea on a "spy mission" and disappeared. This political move raised many questions for Hnnorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, to all of which he replied,

911 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 00:26

"I have no comment at this time."

912 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 05:56

In the midst of everything, Mr. Gray surfaced now and then in an attempt to spin some pseudoliterary value into the otherwise disjointed fanfictionesque narrative.

913 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 10:34

Unbelievably, Tharsh

914 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:06

soon took center stage as the novel's protagonist. DQN-kun had not expected this outcome, but the best ideas are the ones that come naturally. To commemorate the occasion, Tharsh said,

915 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:47

"Arf."

916 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6806 16:58

Tharsh only performed his world famous sea lion impression on special occasions. The last time he had done so was

917 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 01:00

in his past incarnation as a Panda, to commemorate his 2GET. But before Tharsh could finish, his sea lion impression was rudely interrupted by

918 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 02:21

a time traveling golden PINGAS.

919 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 08:05

This was, of course, actually Beady Eyes. Somehow.

Just as the author was considering making a start on the final chapter,

920 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 09:02

a sheep named "meemee" appeared and said "meemee."

921 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 12:08

The author instantly recognized it as a spy for the dreaded herd of memesheep. No good could come of this.

922 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 13:33

It was time to call in the wolf.

923 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 15:10

The wolf was called in and she mercilessly slaughtered the obnoxious ovine. On any other day,

924 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 15:21

this service would be free of charge. Today, however,

925 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 22:44

it's also free of charge.

926 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6807 23:45

Blood dripping from her muzzle, the wolf tenderly reminisced about her childhood

927 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 01:38

, which was filled with fancy doilies and overgrown swing sets.

928 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 02:42

You see, she was an incarnation of the Great Sky Loli.

929 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 19:42

Thus the metaphorical cogs and gears kept turning despite the harsh light cast upon this world's clandestine machinations. All entities knew their roles, strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage, then to be heard of no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing - and this tale was coming to an end.

Chapter Twelve:

930 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6808 23:50

Butchered Twilight Fragments
Featuring the Magical Magistrate and his Petulant Petition

931 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 00:08

In which the townsfolk celebrate over the butchered fragments of Edward Cullen's body.

932 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 11:21

(Haha, only kidding! It's the last chapter so it's full of unnecessary amounts of explosions, killing major characters off and nonsensical revelations.)

The Piazza San Marco took on an unearthly pallor in the light of the setting sun. The Magical Magistrate, better known as

933 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 22:33

King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, was napping lightly.

934 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6809 23:51

It was his birthday a few days ago, and had celebrated with his chums on a 40 hour alcohol-and-stimulant binge. He was still recovering.

935 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6810 07:43

Without warning, the fragile tranquility of this scene was shattered by the return of

936 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6810 12:20

Tharsh and the Great Sky Loli, who had formed an alliance. They then took

937 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6811 20:54

a nasty shit.

938 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6811 21:28

"Meow,"

939 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 00:14

said the shit, which had gained sentience due to the

940 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 10:22

radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb

941 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 13:06

which had formerly been in the possession of one Mr. Gray.

"Our shit is meowing!" the GSL and Tharsh exclaimed in chorus.

"It must be these radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses," realized the GSL, slowly removing off the aforementioned eye-wear which was upside-down and glowing with radioactivity. This act caused the universe to

942 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 13:14

explode.

943 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 15:32

The author was killed in said explosion and

944 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 16:30

several other parallel universes were also destroyed.

In one particular parallel universe, however,

945 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 20:02

Jack Noir

946 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 20:08

didn't exist. It was a beautiful day in New Yugoslavia and the Great Sky Shota was playing serendipitously on the shore. Mr Brown sat down on the grass and drank a leisurely cup of coffee. His thoughts were centred on

947 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6812 22:13

the Manchurian pepper mines, in which a group of canine assassins were gathering in order to

948 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 01:31

seize the Mighty Dong of

949 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 03:35

the Dong Empire. A notoriously

950 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 09:00

veiny

951 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:02

Popeye cosplayer

952 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:27

was searching desperately through the supermarket trying to find spinach in a can.

953 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 11:31

In this particular parallel universe, spinach was fatally poisonous. The cosplayer intended to commit suicide that night. However,

954 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 13:29

funnily enough, the supermarket did not sell lethal poisons. With a sigh of resignation,

955 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 14:34

he grumbled, "Well, blow me down!" which a passerby took to mean

956 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 15:34

as Popeye cosplayer needed a blow to his skull's coronal suture to send him plummeting through the earth like a jackhammer. As the passerby hopped into the air, can of spinach in hand, suddenly

957 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 20:11

a Bluto cosplayer appeared and

958 Name: ( ・-・) : 1993-09-6813 22:32

hijacked the thread, because he was, in fact, Beady Eyes in disguise.

959 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 22:49

"I am your mother!"

960 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6813 23:00

quoth the cross-dressing Freud clone that barged through the door, crushing Beady Eyes behind it in the process.

961 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 10:27

Suddenly, a huge explosion

962 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 17:14

followed by an explosion that was even bigger and better.

963 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 17:46

was a signal to all that this was now a Michael Bay film.

964 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 18:18

Suddenly, Michael Bay exploded.

Surveying the scene from afar, an elderly

965 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 20:08

Robotpa

966 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 21:06

also exploded.

967 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 21:12

"LUDICROUS GIBS" announced the surveyance monitor.

968 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:17

The monitor then proceeded to explode. It appears the universe is beginning to collapse in on itself. "There is only a matter of time to escape this thread! I'd say 32 posts to be exact, I've seen a lot of threads in my time" announced none other than

969 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:41

Mr Brown's daughter, a precocious young girl called

970 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6814 22:57

Chorsh. To prepare for the happy doom that hung over their icy inevitable heads, she proceeded to chow down on french bread spread with nutella, getting crumbs all over skimpy summer wear.

971 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 12:16

"Oh no!" she lamented, "I've got nutella all over myself! There's even some under my bra... If only somebody would come and lick it off..."

972 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 13:27

At that moment, a very large, very hairy gnu with a pedo-smile and a heap of shittily-written open source utilities appeared and said, "Did someone say GNU?"

973 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 14:00

Predictably enough,

974 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 14:19

everything exploded. Again.

975 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 15:23

Including the gnu's rancid penis, which exploded into Chorsh's face.

976 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 15:27

But that didn't really matter because that very second the entire universe imploded.

Meanwhile, in another alternate universe,

977 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6815 20:09

everyone's underwear

978 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 01:13

exploded.

979 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 12:17

"Muhahahahaha!" cackled Beady Eyes. "My plan was a success!"

980 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 13:48

He hadn't yet noticed that he had neglected to remove his own underwear, which had also exploded.

981 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 16:08

"Oh fiddlesti-" he began to say, then he exploded as well. A panda

982 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 16:10

remarkably did not explode. He was too zen for that shit.

983 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 19:44

Friedrich Nietzsche's ghost

984 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 23:22

, however, was not. He exploded too.

Fortunately, ghosts

985 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6816 23:28

are gaseous, therefore structural damage from their explosion is minimal. However, they still burn out a lot of

986 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 10:27

ectoplasm. A nearby outcrop of bismuth crystals caused

987 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 18:08

a worldwide

988 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 20:03

sterilization of males due to its interaction with Nietzschean ectoplasm.

989 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 20:20

"Oh shit!" said God, "There's only ten posts left and all we've got is exploding ghosts and bismuth crystals! How are we going to

990 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:10

resolve all the plot holes, develop all the characters, or coalesce the narrative into any sort of coheren-"

God exploded.

991 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:26

All this exploding was accelerating the expansion of the universe to dangerous speeds, bringing the heat death of the universe a few aeons closer.

992 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 22:38

The only one that seemed to be still alive amidst the universal collapse was

993 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6817 23:46

Squeeks. It was awful because all the death around him

994 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:04

didn't bother him at all.
«WE SHALL MAKE ANOTHER THREAD!» shouted he, blinded by his madness, «NEXT THREAD WILL PUT EVERYTHING IN PLACE! EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!»

«Forgive me, mother,

995 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:12

but I don't know what I was talking about with all that thread stuff. Everyone here has perished, and while I'm not particularly bothered by all the death, the corpses are extremely disorganized. Even worse, there is no one left to sort them into neat arrangements based on their fluffiness levels.»

Little did he know, a parallel, five-dimensional universe managed to defy all physical laws, allowing it to prosper forever without any of that scary scientific stuff.

In this very locale, the author and the GSL were having tea, when

996 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 00:34

null pointer exception occurred.

997 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 04:59

All in all, it was a very long and unsatisfying story. The plot never did resolve and everyone was unhappy. Oh yeah, and they died, too.

>>998: Dedications
>>999: Back cover of novel

998 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 06:29

For My Beloved Loli, her Panda, and all those who perished in the making of this novel

999 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 08:01

THE FIRST PART OF A STUNNING TRILOGY
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

"What just happened" - New York Times
★★☆☆☆

"A MILLION STARS" - Unnamed seven year old
★ x 1,000,000

"Excuse me may I post on the back cover here" - DQN-kun
♥♥♥♥♥

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