[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [FAIRLY LONG] [PART III] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7049 09:20

Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/

Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding

750 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 01:35

Unfortunately the elephant was not angry enough to move and the execution was taking forever.

751 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 03:30

Meanwhile, General Cosgone's butt was bleeding profusely and required

752 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 04:34

Hawaii

753 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 04:43

Harlots to kiss it better.

754 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 22:09

Alas, the aforementioned harlots were busy fondling

755 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 22:12

the only butt professor on the island.

756 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 01:09

The butt professor turned out to be Dr. Robotnik and his big fat butt, who had given himself a fake degree in butt-ology.

757 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 15:28

"You may refer to me from now on as Dr. Robuttnik." He announced, thoroughly pleased with his sophisticated upper-crust sense of humor.

758 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:09

After an astonished "Rather!", the harlots retrieved their monocles and laughed delicately at the wicked jape. Then they all put on their top hats and

759 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:16

performed a dance number.

760 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:46

Too bad they DIED.

761 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 23:04

General Cosgone, denied the attention of the vital Hawaii Harlots, soon died too. There is only so much blood you can lose from a dog-bitten butt before that happens, after all.

762 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 02:28

Ethel the modified hog, aka Gratscone,

763 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 03:26

decided to call up an old friend in hopes of finding some way to solve the harlot and butt problem plaguing the world.

764 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 03:31

The phone rang for a few seconds before Rex Rockstar picked up.

765 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 04:27

Gratscone spoke a few moments with him before wrinkling his brow in confusion. "I am sorry," he said, "I believe I have a wrong number."

766 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 08:14

Sinister nightblooms

767 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 18:24

lay dead and curled and dried all over the altar, causing

768 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 20:16

a heinous scent to

769 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 20:19

blackening mushrooms.

770 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 01:47

The stench began to summon

771 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 02:22

carrion swallows.

772 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 03:07

Penis

773 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 04:07

.

The swallows were eating all the dead Hawaiian Harlots' corpses.

"That takes care of that problem" said Goatscone.

774 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:23

Gritscone exploded.

775 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 16:57

Meanwhile, Groutscone was busy grouting tiles in the Mediterranean.

776 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 17:14

Grootscone wandered the barbarian wilderness.

777 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 17:40

Scones Smoopy scone thought that he g*tscone problem was very reminiscent of the Smoopy problem from earlier.

778 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 18:02

Just then, a universal reset button appeared somewhere in northern Toledo.

779 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 19:27

The sign on it read "UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CONDITIONS SHOULD THIS BUTTON BE PRESSED." Predictably,

780 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 21:21

the universe exploded before Pushy McPressyHands could get anywhere near it.

781 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 22:58

after the universe calmed down, the G*tscones returned to their activities. Scones Smoopy scone decided to call a conference.

782 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 00:30

"We have to do something about this damned unstable universe! Every time I turn my back on it, it explodes!" Smoopy Sconescone slammed the podium with a hoof in emphasis.

"We need to

783 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:35

pee

784 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:45

hamburger buns." said Papa Burgeria

785 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:50

"Won't excreting solids through our urinary ducts be extremely painful?" iquired

786 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 05:27

Silly Goopster.

"Who cares! I'm tired of just waiting around! We won't get anything done unless we act! RAAAAAAAAARAAGH!" said a character last seen several hundred posts ago as he tried to force hamburger buns through his urethra.

787 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 13:24

His through buns, hamburger, force to tried. He, as ago posts, hundred several seen last. Character 'A' said, "RAAAAAAAAARAAGH! Act we unless done anything get, won't we! Around waiting just of tired....I'm cares! Who?"

Goopster Silly iquired, "Painful extremely be ducts. Urinary, our through solids! Excreting won't?"

Burgeria Papa said, "Buns. Hamburger pee to need. We..."

Emphasis in hoof A. With podium, the slammed Sconescone Smoopy: "Explodes it...it on...back...my turn I! Time every universe, unstable! DAMNED THIS! About something, do to have...we..."

788 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:23

Then, predictably, the

789 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:31

universe

790 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:44

opened the refrigerator and

791 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 20:05

was startled to find

792 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 21:49

ancient footprints.

793 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 23:00

FOXDIE

794 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 19:35

Then the balls touched.

795 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 19:57

Given that they inhabited the same nutsack, they actually touched quite often, so this was nothing new.

796 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 21:18

Texas Red had not cleared leather when

797 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 23:18

the universe last exploded

798 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 05:13

Sperm-filled goo

799 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 05:58

all the way to the Horsehead Nebula from the Horsecock Nebula

800 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 11:14

.

Meanwhile, on Neptune, an unmanned probe was eagerly reaching out its little appendages towards the 800GET,

801 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 11:19

however, unbeknownst to anyone, the probe itself was the 800GET.

802 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 12:38

The Great Sky Loli Showed up and proceeded to throw a godly tantrum over having missed the GET.

803 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 12:38

And then the probe/800GET, having outstayed its welcome past the 800th post,

804 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 15:13

continued to outstay its welcome for even more. This GET wasn't going anywhere soon, it fully intended to

805 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 15:54

harvest the horse-nebula-sperm.

806 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 07:14

The diamond Queen saw probe's ordeal and began to think of her long lost son. She fell to her knees with a mother's mercy. Prayed to the angels. Every one.

807 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 12:34

Unfortunately, all the angels were currently bust trying to get the GSL to calm down, so the prayers were all redirected to Satan, Incorporated.

808 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 18:14

Satan was so overwhelmed that he accidentally discorporated. Bereft of the usual malevolent satanic influence, the world

809 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 20:04

.

"Daddy, what does regret mean?"

810 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 21:58

However before daddy could answer the universe exploded.

811 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 23:27

The universe unexploded so it could explode again later. It did.

812 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 00:31

The evil penis also exploded, onto Zardoz' grimacing visage.

813 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 03:35

This caused the universe to implode, for a change. Then it exploded again.

814 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 06:08

Scientists convened to study the phenomenon, but then they exploded.

815 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 16:52

The exploded scientists were re-assembled by forensic scientists to determine the cause of the explosion.

816 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 17:17

Then they exploded.

817 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 23:36

All of them. Except for me. And you know why?

818 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 23:39

I flipped over that diamond ace.

819 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 00:20

Yeah, it was another grim smoky night in Bill's Joint, with raucous beer drenched laughter in one corner drowned out by the sinister hushed dealings in all the others. And there were a lot of dark corners in Bill's Joint. I was one of them, a corner and a coroner, ends sharp as midnight and a wit even sharper.

820 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 02:21

"I like fat animals. Little fat ones, big fat ones, doesn't matter."

821 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 06:13

"Gotta have a little pork to 'em, ya know what I'm sayin'?"

822 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 07:04

Fat Fred crossed his arms and nodded slowly, frowning as the greasy wheels turned slowly between his chubby ears. Then it clicked.

"Hey pardner, you would'n' be talkin' 'bout me, here now right?" he asked, fat rage slowly growing from the depths of his portulence.

823 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 07:05

"No" Lied

824 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 09:13

said.

825 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 12:11

"Oh," said Fat Fred. "Ok."

I toyed with my melted margarine.

826 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7332 14:35

Lied was an honest man--honest enough, at least. Fat Fred really lived up to his name: he looked like a Fred Astaire had turned into a balloon and got blown up to nearly the breaking point.

The server came to our table. Nice girl, seemed a little young for a place like this, but when you were around her you got the feeling that there was absolutely no chance that she was a wayward goddess attempting to hide away after faking her own death. Not even the slightest chance.

827 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7332 19:55

Until she exploded.

828 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7332 20:45

Actually, even after she exploded, it was a little ambiguous. Not that exploding waitresses were anything unusual in Bill's Joint. Bill

829 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7332 21:26

was nowhere to be seen, but there were more than a few joints around. Hashish, salmonella, lemongrass, you name it, somebody smoked it. I was puffing on a huckleberry cigar.

"I'm just sayin', is all," Lied continued. "A pig wid no pork ain't no pig
you'd ever wed." All nodded in silent agreement.

"Enough," Silent Sam stated simply. "Business."

"Sam is right, let's talk *business," said Agreeable Alex.

Everybody leaned in and their voices became hushed.

830 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7332 23:23

"So how do we kill The Shobon?" murmured Fat Fred

831 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7333 08:17

languidly.

"I h-h-ave a p-p-plan," stammered Nervous Ned. "It involves...explosions."

832 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7333 15:02

Everyone reflexively backed away, covering their faces. Fortunately, Ned only

833 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7334 00:07

exploded in the vertical axis,

834 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7334 01:35

and The Shobon was right above his exploding head. Unfortunately,

835 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7334 01:50

The Shobon was born with -plosion resistant skin. He was impervious to all explosions and most implosions.

836 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7335 22:14

The universe, upset at the fact that the Shobon was able to resist its explosive tantrums, had

837 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7335 23:06

a cup of Hippopotajuice. A Hippopotajuice had recently opened up in a mall in the universe and the universe had been meaning to try it.

838 Name: < ˃ ƒŽ˂> : 1993-09-7335 23:38

It was almost as tasty as apolojuice, nida.

839 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7336 00:11

It was also poison.

840 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7336 01:58

Luckily the antidote was somewhere in the universe.

841 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7336 03:24

In fact, it was in my glass of whiskey, which I was nursing like a wet mother. Just as I expected, the Shobon (that lucky fool) had turned his attentions to the Terrible Table. Luscious Lied, Fat Fred, Agreeable Alex, Silent Sam, and the posthumous Nervous Ned. They were poised and poisoned. A posey in my pocket posing a problem. I had nine thousand problems, but

842 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7336 05:45

who was I to complain. As long as loose Angelica wasn't troubling me I wasn't feeling too bad.

843 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 20:23

Suddenly, Fat Fred exploded. Blood and giblets splattered across everyone and everything nearby. A lump even landed in my drink,

844 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 22:14

spoiling my reverie. I quickly pulled out a

845 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 02:14

nubile young catboy to clean my

846 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 04:39

litter box.

847 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 13:02

That didn't help much with the gibs in my glass, though, which required

848 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 21:55

a Split Pro.

849 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7347 22:15

As I reached for it, the Split Pro exploded.

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