sorry havnt updated you guys
<<760 i still make some music whenever i have free time~ but havnt upload anything on youtube for a long time now.
well the next day i prepared some salmon and shrimp pasta, took me about an hour to get it done. i got to her work place and i also prepared one for my friend, i waited for about 15-20 minutes for her cos she was still working. as soon as she ate it she said "wow I'm impressed! its like restaurant quality!" I'm pretty sure my face went red again as i could feel my face was pretty warm. we sat in front of her company while she was eating and chatted, i told her that she should feel special since i havnt cooked for anyone but my ex so far. i felt like i had a chance since shes always saying how nice i was and when I accompanied her home with the three of us, she told me to come sit with her at the back when my friend got off the cab. i dont know why but i just felt really motivated again, ever since my break up i havnt felt that motivated for a very long time. we chatted for a few days through LINE app and she told me she got a fever and didnt feel very well. I was in the hospital that morning for a check up so i thought i'll bring her some medicine, went to the pharmacy and brought her some medicine for her fever. I got to her work place and even got her some orange juice as i looked up on google and it said orange juice helps reduce the fever. she came down from her office and i pressed my hands on her head to see how hot she was, she was really happy that i brought her some medicine and said i was very sweet for doing that. good thing my orange juice and medicine worked as her fever went down in the afternoon and she felt a lot better. on the same day, my friend messaged me saying she had some very bad news, apparently she was talking to her and some how she mentioned "my boyfriend and I".
when i read it, i felt crushed, all those butterflies in my stomach just dropped dead. honestly i didnt know how to feel when i read it and my friend just kept saying sorry to me because she said she felt bad not asking it in the beginning and this whole time we thought she was single. what i felt strange was that she never mentioned she had a boyfriend when i did all those things. i dont know what got into me i just directly asked if she wanted to go catch a movie some time with me, at first she said depends if she feels better from the fever and asked my friend if she was free to join us, sadly she said my friend wasnt free and said maybe next time. from that moment i was pretty sure i had no chance but why couldnt she just tell me she had a boyfriend. afterwards i dont know what came to me i got even more depressed as i felt like i was back into square one again, all those break up emotions just came and rushed back into me. i went back into insomnia mode for the next 2 weeks and my blood pressure went up to 178, there was one night my blood pressure was so high i felt like i was about to faint. There is this girl who i got to know in February this year that my friend introduced who was trying to cheer me up, she would call me to see how i was as she was pretty nice to me. she also just broke up 5 months ago from a 6 years relationship which she hasnt moved on from as she never stop talking about her ex boyfriend to me. there was 2-3 days i kind of got a little suicidal and literally just said "fuck it im done with life", i was really tired of always meeting the wrong people and loosing my loved ones. i felt like it wasnt fare that i had to loose miya when i gave her everything. i somehow snapped my self thinking through all the shit i have went through and told my self "you didnt go through all that for nothing." i think mainly was i felt very lost as i didnt have any directions to go to and i had no goals. all my other friends were all getting engaged from their long term relationships and have a successful career which made me feel like i was behind and not sure what i want to do with my life.
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