I’ve had a long term struggle within myself for a while. I’ve been fantasying about having sex with men as well as women for quite a few years. Also I am extremely turned on by transsexuals. I have felt this way for quite a few years (10 as far as I can remember) but I have always added it up to “I’m just a big perv” that’s all. Warning long post below!
As time went on I found myself masturbating to gay porn as well as straight porn as much. I even played with my own ass with various things I could find and use and I loved it. I think I came harder with something up there than I ever have before.
Well it’s gotten more intense in the past 2 years. About 2 years ago I had my first real “gay experience”. I was in school at night but I found myself skipping out and driving down to a local adult book store. I was looking around a the videos and next to the section I was looking at there was a door that lead back to the “video arcade” someone came out of it and I decided to go in. I have never been in one before this place was dark and had several booths all over the place. There were some TVs on the wall playing porn’s of various types. I was taken a bit back by this.
Then out of the blue a guy (pretty good looking too) comes up to me and asks me to go into a booth with him. He asked “do you suck cock” I said “never have before” Then he asked me to show him mine and I did and he showed me his. He then led me to another booth where he had a friend waiting. The guy sat down and dropped his pants sand his friend started sucking him. He then pulled mine down and started sucking me. I loved every second of this. He finished and I finished and we left.
I was pretty shocked at myself and went right home. I was freaked out but the next night I found I wanted to go back again and I did. This time though I was the one doing the sucking. I loved doing that too.
Now I have never had anal sex yet just oral but I want to try anal sometime. My problem is this. I always feel wrong after doing it because I’m a guy I shouldn’t be doing this with other guys at all. Also I am married as well. I love my wife but there is something she just can’t give me in bed. She just sort of lays there and does nothing. She won’t indulge me on any fantasies I have such as dressing up (cosplay) anal sex (on her or me) some light bondage stuff and other sexual adventures. She is one of those missionary or nothing at all type as well. I also can’t tell her of my exploits because she will leave me and I do not want that. Other than sex our relationship is great.
As far as my bi-ness goes I don’t quite understand where I am with that. I don’t want a relationship from other men only sex and that is it. I have not done anything with another guy for over a year now and my wife never has found out about what I have done and I will take that to my grave with me. However lately I have found this impulse growing inside of me and no matter how I try to repress it the urge gets stronger and stronger to the point I want to branch out of just oral and do other things too. In fact I was thinking of hitting up some of the “cruising” sites on-line try to find a hook up.
Please help!