I have a familiar situation. Whenever I think of anybody having feelings towards me I consider it quite odd, even wrong. I would say "Why would she fall for somebody like me, when there are hundreds of better guys out there not too far away from this classroom?" I used to consider love as a sickness °ペ Love is just a major distractor in life, another obstacle. I tended not to love, but I did a few times. The situation always went wrong and I occasionally broke up the relationship first. And then I think: why did I even love in first place?
I have become lonely /_\ I still have friends, many in fact. But no girlfriend. I see many of my friends dealing with a lot of girls but sticking with one. I instead deal with many people, but use them as a tool or as somebody else in life. I am sad. :<
I've been analyzing the present time: I have no girlfriend, I'm about to move, I'm afraid I will have a hard time in my new home, I have been struggling with my social life, and many other things in my past. Pondering, I was up in my rooftop about an hour ago. It was quarter past nine, pm, and the sky was orange. The city was abnormally bright, and I could still tell the time from my watch. I just watched the orange sky. About 20 minutes later I went back downstairs, only to find that I was locked out. I took the time to reflect upon my life. I think that I first have to break all those chains in my life in order to be free. I am a troubled person, even though people wouldn't believe me. I now see that I am a slave of my impulses, and have become destructive.
I can't become a better person, and can't get a girlfriend, if I don't break free. I feel like crying. Haven't cried in a long time.