I'll appreciate your help for correcting my English writing (15)

1 名前: Kenneth : 2008-01-20 12:45 ID:0SQRcbzs

Hi!! I'm Japanese.

I made a business letter in English and wandering if I my writing is correct.
I hope that someone correct my English witting. This is formal
Business letters that announcing company name change.

Title: Pre-Announcement on the Company Name Change

We sincerely appreciate your patronage over the past years.
In accordance with expansion of our business performance, we are planning to rename our company name as (新社名)replacing the current name (旧社名)as of (date)
This is to clarify our corporate identity and enhance the image of our company.
Along with launching of the new name and new corporate dentity, we will all focus on increasing the level of professionalism. We highly appreciate that your continued support as you have in the past.
We will officially announce the new company name as soon as it has been proved by a general meeting of stockholders on
(date)

New company name :XXXX
Effective data:XXXX

2 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-20 13:48 ID:XIkRup9P

>Effective data:XXXX

I suppose this should be: Effective date: XXXX

>We highly appreciate that your continued support as you have in the past.

There's no verb in the second part of this sentence, it could be written better I think.

>as it has been proved

Probably it should be: as it has been confirmed

It's not a bad letter overall, but there are details that show its foreign origins. For example:

>In accordance with expansion

should be: In accordance with the expansion

3 名前: Kenneth : 2008-01-20 14:27 ID:0SQRcbzs

名無しさん@日本語勉強中-san,

Thank you very much for your prompt reply.

>as it has been proved

Probably it should be: as it has been confirmed

I was going to write 「it has been approved 」
Is this Ok or confirmed is better?

>There's no verb in the second part of this sentence, it could be written better I think.

I don't know how should I put a verb on the second part.
I appreciate if you give me an example.

名無しさん@日本語勉強中-san, if you have any question in
Japanese, please feel free to ask me.

Thank you!

4 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-20 15:05 ID:lVPHaGzx

>>3

>Is this Ok or confirmed is better?

"Approved" is better than "confirmed" in that sentence.

>I appreciate if you give me an example.

Something like this:
We truly appreciate your continued support, just as you have supported us in the past.

5 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-21 21:38 ID:OLDJQDes

Title: Preannouncement on the company's name change

We sincerely appreciate your patronage over the past years.
As a result of the expansion of our business performance, we are planning to rename our company name as 新社名, replacing the current name 旧社名, as of (date).
This is to clarify our corporate identity and enhance the image of our company.
Along with launching the new name and corporate dentity, we will all focus on increasing the level of professionalism. We truly appreciate your continued support, just as you have supported us in the past.
We will officially announce the new name of the company name as soon as it has been approved by a general meeting of stockholders on (date).

New company name: XXXX
Effective date: XXXX

I think it's ok like this.

6 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-21 21:40 ID:OLDJQDes

>Along with launching the new name and corporate dentity

Just noticed a typo there, it (obviously) should be "identity".

Can you tell us something about your company?

7 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-21 22:16 ID:XIkRup9P

>>5

>We will officially announce the new name of the company name

Huh? ...name...name...
Not very good writing, I think.

Also

>we are planning to rename our company name

is redundant.

8 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-21 23:57 ID:/c7tlP5A

Fixed a few parts mentioned in previous posts.

Title: Pre-Announcement on the company's name change

We sincerely appreciate your patronage over the past years.
As a result of the expansion of our business performance, we are planning to rename our company as 新社名, replacing the current name 旧社名, as of (date).
This is to clarify our corporate identity and enhance the image of our company. Along with launching the new name and corporate identity, we will all focus on increasing the level of professionalism within our organization. We truly appreciate your continued support, just as you have supported us in the past.
We will officially announce the new name of the company as soon as it has been approved by a general meeting of stockholders on (date).

New company name: XXXX
Effective date: XXXX

>Along with launching the new name and corporate identity, we will all focus on increasing the level of professionalism within our organization.

Expanded the end to smooth out the sentence. The flow of it seemed somewhat unnatural.

>We truly appreciate your continued support, just as you have supported us in the past.

The phrasing of this is awkward. Perhaps the part after the comma could be omitted.

9 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-22 01:05 ID:XIkRup9P

>>8 Good job.

10 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-22 03:34 ID:KUzjf0J0

Thanks very much for your help!!!!!

11 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-22 17:21 ID:OLDJQDes

I think it's preannouncement, not pre-announcement...

12 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-22 19:35 ID:XIkRup9P

14 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-23 22:11 ID:XIkRup9P

>>13
http://www.onelook.com/?w=announcement
General (20 matching dictionaries)

http://www.onelook.com/?w=preannouncement
General (1 matching dictionary)
1. Preannouncement : Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia

Ahem.

15 名前: 名無しさん@日本語勉強中 : 2008-01-24 22:02 ID:Heaven

>>14
Ok, thanks for the clarification! ;)

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