I wish I'd taken more time to think about what I could've gotten into; I don't know if I could've done something computery like programming even though I can think of a pile of things I would've liked to do with such skills. I had a very good creative writing class and wonder if maybe I should have gone for something literary or maybe journalism.

My mom's used the 'but maybe you'll find work outside your field' line on me frequently; she does not understand the concept of sunk costs. If a company spends millions developing a water-powered pogo stick and can't drop it now or all will be wasted, and the world doesn't want a fucking water-powered fucking pogo fuckstick, the fucking company deserves to go the fuck out of fucking business because it's already wasted money. If I know I'm in the wrong field, I've already wasted four years of my life and I'm not even sure how many thousands of dollars-and you want me to continue so that I can get hired and not use it?

What the fuck?

Right now the only things keeping me alive are:
Led Zeppelin
Neil Young
Trains
The fact that I want to have kids SOMEDAY (all daughters. I could never raise a boy out of the fear he'd turn out like me or worse)
Some other stuff that I forgot while I was writing the second and third paragraphs
An activist project I haven't had the time or money to help out with to the extent I've wanted to

I don't know what the solution is. To me it seems that college is four years of grueling work to get a permission slip to endure a lifetime of grueling work, and then die. Maybe somewhere in between get married and have kids, if you look like the guys in all the ads on TV.

I've never had a really good social life. Never had a real girlfriend. Never been kissed. Complete virgin. Thought I did back in second grade, when I had no clue what I was doing, but that was about it. You could shove me into a random sorority get-together or meet-and-greet and I would just sit in the corner sipping tea and trying to become invisible. My lack of faith in humanity prevents me from making connections with any more people in the outside world than I already have; and I haven't maintained those I have very well lately thanks to the utter shittiness of college.

I want to change, but there's no manual for this. If I'm putting a model railroad car kit together I know it by instinct-always have; could probably do it blindfolded. But becoming a more social creature seems to be based wholly on experience and I am too afraid of screwing things up the first time to ever try it.

Suicide is not the answer, of that I'm sure. But neither is sitting around waiting for things to get better. The worst bit is that to me the third option I can see, getting up off my ass and actually doing things doesn't seem to be the answer either. I keep thinking that maybe there is none. I really shouldn't but I do anyway.