[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [SHORT] [PART II] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6818 11:58

Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1310158763/

Let the fun times continue!

Prologue: The Death of

335 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6889 16:51

a thorough understanding of complex analysis and

336 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 07:54

, therefore, simply drank reckless quantities of tea, defaced playing cards and threw them at each other while shouting things like "Zeta function!", "Critical line!" and "Infinite summation!".

Before long, they made

337 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 08:01

time travel, which is probably irrelevant but might as well be mentioned anyway. And so,

338 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 11:04

the freshly-made time travel was eaten by the writing staff, who much appreciated their first meal in over a week.

339 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 11:57

However, the appreciation rapidly faded into disappointment, and then horror when they realized that eating time travel just makes your present self hungrier while slowly overfeeding and fattening your future self.

340 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6891 08:02

That very moment, the Norwegians

341 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6891 08:45

suddenly invaded and achieved world domination, as their viking blood demanded of them. This was

342 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6891 22:01

a signal that the tea party was about to reach its climax: the grand

343 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6891 22:07

. The grand was a ritual in which

344 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6892 01:09

10,000 live crocodiles

345 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6892 10:21

battled 5,500 tigers in custom-made armor. The immense stadium had been completed. The animals' eyes glistened behind the portcullis gates, ready to be let loose into the stadium to devour one another in an orgy of hungry violence. Outside the crowd was waiting, riled into a frenzy, chanting

346 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6892 15:51

"WEE A BOO! WEE A BOO! WEE A BOO!"

347 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6893 15:13

. This spectacle was, of course, merely to distract the crowd from the true purpose of the grand: opening

348 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6893 15:59

the vault of horrors

349 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6893 16:50

and reawakening Thursh from his long, cold sleep.

350 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6894 07:53

Thursh, for the purpose of an even more incoherent and cliché plotline, was Tharsh's evil twin brother. Upon his reawakening, Thursh

351 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6894 10:29

suggested that now might be a good time to start a new chapter.

352 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6894 21:58

To his dismay, the suggestion was ignored.

Back in Oxford IV, a large

353 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6894 23:55

pickle

354 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 07:58

processing facility was being demolished to make way for

355 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 09:51

a large pickle processing facility completely identical to the first. Needing no shame nor validation, Thursh

356 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 10:22

ate his brother's toast, then

357 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 18:45

threw

358 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 22:55

the crusts at his servant, demanding she "pick them up like the whore she is".

359 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6895 23:42

His servant picked up the crusts but did so begrudgingly, as she was the Great Sky Loli, living in hiding as a simple servant after faking her death. The reason she had faked her death and was hiding was

360 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 02:24

her desire to fake her death and go into hiding. So far it was going pretty well. The crusts

361 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 07:44

transformed

362 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 09:04

into

363 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 09:42

Squeeks! Poop on da head lol!

364 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 12:17

　　　　　　　人　　　　　
　　　　　　（＿_）　　　　
　　　　　 （＿＿）　　　
　　　　　（ ＿＿ ）　　　　
　　　　　（　・∀・）Did someone call my name?
　　　　　（二二二）
　 　 　 　 ＼ 　／
　　　　 　 ｉ´　　`i
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
.　　　　　 ＿＿＿　　-splash-
　　　　　（二二二）
　 　 　 　 ＼ 　／
　　　　 　 ｉ´　　`i
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

365 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 19:46

The End.

366 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 21:34

Or perhaps a new beginning. A new beginning for the GSL, a chance to redo everything. She pulled Squeeks aside to discuss her plans.

367 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 22:28

　　　人　　　　　
　　（＿_）　　　　
　 （＿＿）　　　
　（ ＿＿ ）　　　　
　（　・∀・）　＜ My name is Squeeks and we don't have shift-JIS art of the GSL yet.
　（つ　　 つ　
　｜ ｜　|　　　　　
　（_＿）＿）

368 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 01:22

Then suddenly: poof Squeeks vanished into thin air, never to be seen for another 64 weeks - Neptune Standard Time.

369 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 06:11

Meanwhile, the GSL decided to appear in shift-JIS form to appease the masses. Unfortunately, her representation was way too large to be used practically and needed to be split over two posts, so in the interest of keeping the novel readable it was probably the last time she would ever appear in such a form.
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370 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 06:11

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371 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 06:41

＼ちょっwwww弥海砂じゃーん／

372 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 07:57

said a nearby crowd of

373 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 08:37

Nico Nico Douga users, just before they collectively turned and ran after a passing stray cat among delighted cries of "ぬこktkr" and "かわゆい〜〜〜".

374 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 10:10

Suddenly, seemingly random symbols, words and phrases of text began to scroll by in marquees, blinding everyone's possibility to see where and what they were doing. "Who's fucking idea was this?" shouted one angry gentlemen.

375 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 11:40

"It's whose, not who's!" shouted a man wearing pantyhose. He was then violently disemboweled by

376 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 11:48

an imaginary

377 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 11:50

.

378 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 09:45

The imaginary then lost interest in the scene and wandered off to

379 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 21:20

Youkai Mountain. Unfortunately, it got caught in a kappa's machines at the foot of the mountain and was never seen or heard from again. The GSL regarded this spectacle with a feeling of indifference. She then turned to Thursh and said

380 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 21:50

"Hey, isn't that an imaginary coming over towards us?"

381 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 22:44

However, it was not. It was instead

382 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 00:22

an irrelevant, which had nothing to do with this story whatsoever.

383 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 05:40

Just then, a wild complex appeared! Would it be as easily squared away?

384 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 06:14

"Let's square this baby," said the GSL confidently. She began her Loli Cute Dance, spinning around and frilling her skirt in preparation for Pretty Deluxe Square Beam The World.

Tharsh and Thursh stared in shock. The toe forsaken land of fingers fell quiet. Everybody put down their tea and drugs. Everybody was silent in anticipation. Would this act finally bring back the story into the realm of the real? Would the plot finally start making sense once it was firmly rooted in reality?

"Kyu kyuri kyu kyu puri nya!" the GSL nonsensically babbled, firing the Pretty Deluxe Square Beam The World directly at the complex.

Would it work? Would this mad partially imaginary tea party ever come to a merciful end?

Chapter -7 + 24i: Nope

385 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 12:25

On the morning of the 6900th of September 1993, a young panda by the name of

386 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 14:36

Eddie Murphy

387 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 21:16

awoke to find that his

388 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 22:08

clothes were all gone, his car stolen (he had his car keys), and a big black penis was drawn on his head in marker.

389 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 22:21

Most troublingly of all, his

390 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 01:29

own penis was gone. What mysteries have befallen Eddie Murphy this time?

391 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 02:46

Meanwhile, in the distant future in the year 1994, Eddie Murphy's penis, time traveler extraordinaire, was attending a meeting of the Intertemporal Association of Time Travelers, of which it was the current President. Eddie Murphy's penis was named

392 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 02:46

Jock Johnson

393 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 07:49

and its favorite thing to do while not traveling through time was

394 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 08:50

ejaculating. Which, honestly, is pretty cool.

395 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 13:11

He called the meeting to order.

"Gentlemen!" he began, "The time has come for

396 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 14:00

everything! We're fucking time travelers, ain't we?"
After a rousing cheer from the audience, he continued:

397 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 22:03

"Now, let's all go back in time and kill

398 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 22:10

one another, making sure to leave corpses in every single historical location ever featured in a textbook!"
Jock still hadn't quite gotten over that grudge against his seventh-grade history teacher.

399 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 00:45

The other time travellers were a little uncomfortable with the prospect of mass suicide, so, not wanting to hurt Jock's feelings, they

400 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 01:44

applauded politely and briefly before quickly turning their attentions to the snack bar.

401 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 04:13

Little did they know that Jock had laced the entire buffet with PCP.

402 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 04:15

Incidentally, he had also laced it with sperm. Hallucination-inducing sperm.

403 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 07:36

With that in mind (thought not in the minds of those unfortunate patrons), everyone began to imagine they were the cast of Legend of the Galactic Heroes.

404 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 00:45

This fanciful delusion was soon dispelled by the

405 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 02:46

miraculous

406 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 05:51

arrival of a naked Mr Gray, who was mysteriously teleported into the exact geometric center of the room. He gave a yelp when gravity had resumed its grip and he hit the floor, stopped sucking his own dick and looked around with bleary, confused eyes.
"... think 'm bleeding,", he mumbled sheepishly. "Anyone got a band-aid?"

Chapter 4 - i-210100: The Penis with a Thousand Lacerations

407 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 05:59

My name is Susan Yang.
There are seven people in my family.
My mother is very friendly and funny. She's like a friend.
My father is handsome, but a little bald.

Susan Yang.

Seven people.

Friendly and funny.

Handsome but bald.

408 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 12:00

Shkadoomph!

Suddenly,

409 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6904 18:13

Susan Yang and her entire family were crushed under a falling

410 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6904 22:05

blimp

411 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6905 13:37

- the very same blimp, in fact, that

412 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6907 06:16

once served as the Hindenburg's stunt double.

413 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6907 19:47

A nearby black cat licked its front paw, sniffed at the ground in front of it, and thought to itself "

414 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6908 05:27

This is bullshit. Cats don't think," as if realism was something the authors of this novel had been striving for. Everyone's a critic.

Anyway, said cat was promptly struck by a stray piece of debris from the stunt blimp, and died a slow agonizing death on the baking hot pavement. Let this be a lesson to aspiring literary critics.

Mr Gray had somehow managed to avoid death from blood loss by

415 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6908 18:53

thinking very hard about

416 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6908 20:10

prostate stimulation, and thus cutting off most of the blood flow to his injured member.

417 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6909 16:47

Mr Gray's good friend Francis Bacon

418 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6912 02:58

never ate bacon. He had developed a distaste for it due to people always making lame jokes about his name. This of course resulted in

419 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6912 14:29

the bacon manufacturing union kidnapping him and forcing him to

420 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6912 16:45

become their mascot. He found that wearing a big stuffed-animal version of himself oddly

421 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6913 15:41

comforting. Slowly, he began to realise that

422 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6914 16:28

he wasn't wearing a costume at all - he had actually

423 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6914 18:07

been hallucinating all this time. "My God!" he pondered.

424 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6914 23:35

"I've been hallucinating lately!"

He sighed and scratched his belly. After one too many hallucinations, he no longer cared what was real. All that truly mattered to him at this very moment was

425 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6915 04:35

the concept of prostate stimulation. "Why is ours in there of all places?" he silently questioned. Though such trivialities did not really matter to him in the end.

426 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 00:55

And thus, a star was born.

427 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 01:15

far off in another galaxy.*

*This has no relevance to our story yet, but will be a great driving force later on.

428 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 10:39

Francis looked

429 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 13:15

like shit.

430 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 22:35

This was hardly his fault; he had, after all,

431 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 01:46

been spending an insurmountable amount of time stimulating his prostate and

432 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 08:22

stimulating his fizzbuzz and

433 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 23:25

stimulating his avacado and

434 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6918 18:58

simulating his stimulation of the aforementioned stimulation targets in three different computer models on fifteen different cmputer architectures each. The vacuum-tube models had really been bogging him down.

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