Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1310158763/
Let the fun times continue!
Prologue: The Death of
was rappin' out some phat beats
. He was rapping about how he had no AA representation and that the yellow man was keeping him down.
And while he stood there, gently rapping,
a kitten laid at his feet, quietly napping.
But the Dogs Smoopy dog didn't notice his friend,
And kept on freestylin' without beginning nor end.
And that's when the Great Rap Battle of '93 started. And everybody around the world gathered in the streets to engage in the worldwide rap battle, but little did they know the horrors that they would soon unleash upon the world.
WINTER 1973
PRAGUE
Crowded into a small secret bunker, huddling over a rusty tin, the survivors passed the time quietly, holding up their mittened hands to the tin's warm lip.
"Fire's goin' out soon orange," said Jan.
"Got some timber from chopping up the church pews orange. God forgive us orange," Jakub replied.
They didn't wish to risk even the slightest rhyme. Not when they saw what it had done to their city. Jakub pulled out his foraged wood and tossed it into the smoky tin. Jan fanned the fire with an old newspaper to give it oxygen.
Rapping screams and gunshots rang out from the distance.
"Oh Jan orange," Vanesa lamented, "Will this horror ever end orange?"
"I don't know orange," Jan said, shaking his head. "But if we survive, we must tell the world orange. We must warn them so that such a tragedy never strikes again orange. We must prevent the horrors of a World Rap Battle from ever taking place!"
Jan's face turned white as he realized he had forgotten to say orange, but it was too late.
"We gotta tell the world, save the human race!" Jakub in reply helplessly. Tears streamed down his face, there was no helping it anymore.
"Gotta tell our children! Gotta tell our kids! If we don't tell them, they'll rap until they flip their lids!"
They were doomed. And the world may never know their plight...
20 YEARS LATER...
"My flow be stylin', I be ridin'..."
"Your flow be whack, now get the fuck back, you're fuckin' grime, that shit don't rhyme."
Indeed, the first rapper had a whack flow, and he could not rhyme worth shit. The second summoned his bombest flow, and the first was torn asunder by the righteous waves of swag. Across the battlefield, other rappers similarly slaughtered each other, gaining more power with every victory. But atop a hill surrounded by bodies, Dogs Smoopy dog still stood, undefeated, seeming not to even notice the raging battle around him. His kitten friend had feasted on the bodies and the swagger of the fallen challengers and was tranformed into a monstrous being which prowled hill on which Dogs Smoopy dog stood. The other rappers had long since given up trying to challenge him, aside from the odd young, naive soul every once in a while who became emboldened by a few victories and overestimated his own power. They all fell, and the beast that once was the kitten consumed them.
But on this battlefield, there was one who came not to battle-rap. He came seeking Dogs Smoopy dog, following a rumor he had heard, that a sample of the legendary rapper's essence could be refined into a potion of immense power--perhaps even the power to cure the kind of disease which could afflict an immortal. Riding on the back of a razorback hog, a young boy wandered about, looking for the hill surrounded by bodies, on which the beast prowled and the rapper rapped. Looking to the east, he saw
the sun because that's where the sun rises.
But just to the left of the Sun was the 999 GET, taking the form of a huge mushroom cloud exploding in slow motion.
There was no time. The GSS had to cure his beloved sister before the 999 GET caused the universe to explode. Again.
CHAPTER FINAL: A Wedding, a 999 GET and the Untimely Revival of
Ugly Baby the Almighty Overlord of
an Unfortunately Placed Thermometer Which Caused the World Much Trouble For Years to Come
who was capable of miscellaneous evil deeds including extortion, human trafficking, money laundry,
sweatshop dirty diaper production and black market croquet festivals.
in which the GSS and Goscone may or may not save the world, nanobots return for a friendly reunion, and a certain Big Fat Butt rears his ugly rear.
Ugly Baby's money laundry was
long abandoned. Piles of half-decomposed dirty diapers almost completely filled it leaving only a small empty space between a boarded up door and a dusty counter. Locals couldn't remember the last time when this establishment was open partially due to availability of cheap washing machines which made people lose interest in laundries.
It was a dark silent night when suddenly a cat hissed at
beady eyes
and his retarded baby brother
Boardy Ears, who was, technically, a potato. The cat took
umbrage
, and continued hissing for a good thirty or forty minutes. During this time, Beady Eyes
was slowly hauling a bag of dirty socks and blood-stained pants towards
his next target for derailment: the
Unofficially Official Best Thread Ever.
Before he could get there, however, the GSS and his trusty steed
burst in, shouting "Knock knock!"
Now, the two han't actually knocked, which was quite rude, but the baby and his henchmen never passed up a good knock-knock joke.
"Who's there?" they chorused.
"Interruption hog," said the GSS.
"Interruption hog wh-"
"What about me and my rap battler pile?" interrupted Smoopy.
Smoopy was then hauled off to Dogs Smoopy dog's hill as a sacrifice to the flow gods, for claiming to own the hill when it in fact belonged to Dogs Smoopy dog. It was torn asunder by the force of Dogs Smoopy dog's rhymes, and the gods were pleased.
Freed from this momentary distraction, the GSS, Goscone, the baby, and the henchmen all began to
ponder a sudden appearance of a strange person wearing a top hat. That was Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII.
"I have returned to tell you how the story ends," he chuckled, "And answer all of your questions."
"The answers are: No, probably, 7379 days, only if you love her, yes, because it's winter, probably, no, no, no, 18 tears, it wouldn't be wise, they died a long time ago, yes, 76, nobody will ever know, Tuesday, candy canes, 9pm EST, yes you should, no he doesn't, next year, 1110101101101, and the password is 'leathershoe. I hope that helped, goodbye."
"What if Ron Paul went around and said 'muh dick' to people on the streets all day? What would happen?"
Asked Beady Eyes. But Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII was already gone.
In his frustration, Beady Eyes derailed the floor, causing everyone on it to fall over. As they lay there, the 999 GET loomed ever closer.
The GSSiblings dashed towards it.
It was only fifteen posts until the 999 GET. Would they make it? and once they were there, would they be stuck on the back cover? Would they be able to apply the curing powers of the 999 GET when they got there, or would they have to pack it up and perform the ritual in the sequel, the DQN SHORT NOVEL PART 3?
In the meantime Espeon sneaked into a vidcon station.
"Everything that this story needs to end should be stored on one of the memodrives," he thought, "Hmm, I thought I disappeared without a trace in NCorea, how did I
-- urk!" Without warning, Espeon died and simultaneously vanished from the novel forever.
Speaking of dying, Goscone
accidentally twisted his ankle and asked the GSS to give him a lethal
sausage.
By the time Goscone dieded, DQN was laughing at him and at his sausage (no pun intended) and decided to walk away, while furiously masturbating to furry porn, as usual.
Later that day,
The coach's uncle found the sausage and started a sausage company with it. It was very successful. After his death he left the sausage with the coach.
the GSSiblings noticed they were still nine posts from the precious cure, and were now down one razorback hog.
It was time to call in some old friends.
"Hello?" the GSL said into her loliphone. "This is the GSL. We need your help."
"We'll be right there," replied the nanobots, followed by a click.
The nanobots created a stepladder below the 999 GET. The GSSiblings pushed down with a bit if force to see if it was stable. Everything checked out.
"Stop right there," sneered a sinister, familiar voice. "That's my 999 get."
A fleshy horror stood in the GSsibling's path. It was big. It was fat. It was a big fat butt.
"You!" exclaimed Mr. Gray (who had quietly been standing by this whole time) in surprise. "I never thought I'd see your ugly ass-face again!"
The BFB farted in response. Fortunately,
The young Dildo was there to do stuff the BFB's hole, immobilixing him temporarily.
"Make a break for it! You only have 4 posts left!" Yelled the young Dildo to the GSSiblings
The siblings looked into eachother's eyes with a mixture or fear and excitement.
"There's only one way we can make it in time, and that's the power of love," the GSS said to his sister confidently. "W-will you marry me?"
"I do!" the Great Sky Loli shouted triumphantly. Mr. Gray, who happened to be a licensed minister, said, "You may kiss the bride."
The Great Sky Shota pulled the GSL to his body and they pressed their lips together. As the two kissed, a beautiful tower of light rose up around them. Gravity had no more hold on the two young lovers and their clothes and hair began to levitate. Their incestuous embrace was so powerful that it now held it's own gravitational field, and instead of needing to run toward the 999get, the 999get was now being drawn towards the two kids, finally joined in holy matrimony.
Then the author wandered in from offscreen and suggested that now would be an excellent time for a tea party, especially considering the universe may or may not explode at >>999.
"No time for parties! I 2 posts till the 999 GET!"
The GSSiblings finally reached the 999 GET. They held onto it for several moments but nothing. They were still inflicted with the Italian disease. A dark shadow came over the GSSiblings' faces. This was no 999 GET. This was the 666 GET.