Two men walked up to the gallows of their town to find their friend Ass hung, dead. After mourning their lost compatriot, they decide to go over and tell his mother the bad news.
She's struck by disbelief once she hears the news. "You must be joking with me!"
One of the men stands up tall and hangs his head. "Look ma'am," he says. "I'm being Dead Ass!"
Three men on a boat with four cigarettes and no lighter. They throw one cigarette overboard and now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.
Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini are having dinner together. Seeing a passing tomcat, Hitler bets the other two his gilded Walther pistol that they can't make the cat eat mustard. Prideful sorts as they are the bet is accepted.
Mussolini goes first. He goes up to the cat and kneels down, presenting him some mustard in a bowl and going "tss, tss, tss". The cat sniffs at the mustard and then immediately turns away.
Seeing this, Stalin tries a different tack; he points his finger at the cat and yells, "if you do not eat this mustard, I'll have you shot!". The cat ignores him entirely and begins to clean himself instead.
Baffled, they turn to Hitler. "It appears we've failed, but you cannot pronounce victory unless you yourself can make the cat eat mustard." Hitler agrees to this, and seizing the cat by its neck he takes a large spoonful of mustard out of the bowl and crams it up the cat's arse. The cat yelps and howls, and as soon as Hitler lets him down again he begins to lick at his own ass to remove the mustard.
Victorious, Hitler pronounces wisely, "voluntary obligation is how you make a cat eat mustard."
Why don't they have any badminton courts in the jungle?
Because there isn't the demand...
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
So Bart's shaggin Homer up the bum and Homer says "Bart I'm not gonna cum!" and Bart says "Why?"
Homer says "Why? You little."
I was speaking to this beautiful transgender woman at a bar the other night, we had a few drinks and she came back to my place. We were making out and my dick was rock hard, and I reached into her pants to grab her cock, but all I found was a vagina! I said UH OH! ErRoR 404 DICK NOT FOUND!! She said what? I said I thought you were transgender? She said no? 404 COCK NOT FOUND!!
My and my girlfriend went a romantic evening walk in the countryside at the weekend. We came to a clearing with a wonderful view of the valley, and shared a tender kiss. Just then, a giant soup dish flew across the sky at hypersonic speed, flashing all the kulrs of the rainbow. She said gthat was the most incredible thing I've EVER seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!h but I think that was Hyper Bowl