Spiritually, I am starting to think we really are hairless apes on a spinning ball of rock in outer space.
I've been reading a lot about biology, neuroscience and anthropology recently. I'm starting to think that there is nothing. That all of the spiritual events in the past are the product of like tripping out on Fly Agaric or something. We are literally just hairless apes that emerged from the backwater slums of some intergalactic void.
I was making progress with Buddhism but I did drugs and got an existential crisis and now I can't shake the feeling there's nothing after (which could work with Buddhism I suppose).

I still won't commit to anything though, and may try to find God because this seems like what Christians mean when they talk about blind faith against all odds. Or the Buddha was right and I was close to escaping samsara in this lifetime but now I've ruined it.

I am so consumed by fear of death that I can't enjoy daily life anymore. I am 24. My cope is that the more I fear nonexistence the more likely it's gonna be some weird plane everyone was wrong about, and that many annihilationist Atheists will be disappointed by. I think that eventually in infinite time something will happen even with nonexistence.