Flirty girlfriend, i trust her but it hurts anyway. (47)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-07 07:52 ID:q3lQR2Ed This thread was merged from the former /love/ board. You can view the archive here.

My girlfriend goes out and flirts with cute guys. I know shes only having abit of fun and nothing would come from it but i hate it. It makes me feel like im not good enuth for her.

How do i know this? Because she told me, it came up in a conversation - "What ya been up to today? well, we went to the mall, guess who was there! The thorntuns guy! so we flirted with him, hes so cute! I love it when he blushes". We talk about EVERYTHING, its as if we're really close friends rather than partners.. minus the fact that we stare into eachothers eyes and 'make love' etc.

Another factor, Its a long distance relationship. We're seeing eachother fairly oftain.. im hoping once every three months AT LEAST for now (Obviously it will increase). I guess she needs the physical conection with someone? maybe not physical, but flirting and stuff.

The anoying thing is i dont even look at other girls anymore. Everyone i see who i'd usually go nuts for i think "But shes not [girlfriends name here]" and i dont even look twice. I dont even look once damnit, its more of a 'notice there is another human over there' kinda thing. I dont even look at famous people or 'worship' and band members or whatever. She is the only girl in my life!

Im not too sure what im asking. I need to get this all out and have feedback on it. Yaknow, get it off my chest and stuff. I want to talk to her about it but i dont want to challenge our relationship or upset her.


2 Name: fart man : 2007-01-07 10:49 ID:kk+gipTq

maybe, u dont have to take it so seriously. if she really needed to flirt or even more, she wouldnt tell u anything, and just kept things secret.

she tells u everything, maybe because she loves u and she hasnt done anything to look down on you.(what she or u call "flirt" might not be such a serious one as u might imagine)

if u r so worried that u cant stop hating it, then u should tell her not to flirt with other guys, or not to tell u those things.

it may be better to do this first, and see what will happen next. and if u still feel unhappy being with her, then u find another one.

i understand what u feel, because i had one like ur girlfriend before. from my experience, id say that "dont rush"

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-07 19:15 ID:q3lQR2Ed

Its all good now, just a case of worrying because i care.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-07 19:29 ID:7Lo8FqN7

Your probably the cutest guy in the world, dont worry!

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-07 23:44 ID:Heaven

Wow, that sounds like the opposite of me. My longdistance boyfriend can't imagining having any romantical feelings for others, while as I frequently do, but just not in the love kind of way (i.e. just infatuation). Flirting is fun because for me it's a no strings attached compliment to others, and I frequently comment to my boyfriend about how cute x or y is. The difference and main reason for why he doesn't feel threatened or worried, I think, is because he does know that I do love him from the bottom of my heart, and that even though I do find plenty of others attractive, there's nobody who could top my attraction to him (as it's not just look-based, but also heavily personality based). My raving about people's cuteness and good looks/fun personality doesn't excluse his, so he frequently gets both verbal and behavior confirmation of that I love him from the bottom of my heart (as opposed to casual infatuations), as well as that I find him just as attractive as every one of the others I feel attracted to, and a great deal more than that...

Why do you feel that her not ceasing to notice that others are attractive is a threat? That it's a sign of that you aren't enough? Isn't it a greater compliment that she very much is aware of that others are attractive, but choose to be with you instead of anyone else?

6 Name: : 2007-01-08 00:21 ID:lyEhYuXi

Flirting is a way to feel good about yourself, because if the person flirts back it becomes a "Im still attractive". The problem is however how the flirting is being done.

If a person is going to a night club and flirting with people it is a problem in my eyes. More so if the partner is going without YOU.

On the flip side of it, you say you are in a long distance relationship and well people need to be constantly told of their likeness. Flirting is a way to do that, but in the heat of the moment flirting can lead to more things if both people want to... be it a conscious thing or a sub-conscious thing.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 02:44 ID:Heaven

>>5 I'm suprised he's not heated up with jealousy because of you. Maybe he's just bottling it in and pretending it's ok

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 05:11 ID:Heaven

Not really, he knows (not just via words) that I don't want anyone else. I've shown/proven that again and again. I'm very honest with him (and he is with me), and he had been my best friend for years and years before we actually decided to be a couple (i.e. he knew very well exactly what he was getting himself into). Also, he has a rather laid back attitude.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 05:14 ID:Heaven

I would keep an eye on her. Her flirting with other guys might be more than harmless fun...

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 11:48 ID:Heaven

It might, it might not. It depends on how well OP knows her.
There's quite a bit of a difference to try to pretend that someone isn't showing signs of cheating on him, and to trust someone who is "just" being playful. Only OP can tell which is the case.
The question is: is the relationship really worth having if OP feels he cannot trust her? Trust is one of the important foundations of a relationship. OP needs to discuss his feelings with her, without making demands (but requests). If they cannot work it out, and she is not willing to at least meet halfway when it comes to OPs requests and nor is willing to try to help the situation, it's time to end it. A relationship is a two-sided deal, that demands equal respect. It's better for both OP and his girfriend if they cannot handle the relationship they have set up for themselves.

11 Name: fart man : 2007-01-08 11:49 ID:kk+gipTq

athough u can make him understand how much u love him, because u tell him this from the bottom of ur heart, some pple just cant understand it.

ok put that this way, u have a boyfriend living miles away, and he tells u he loves u, but u cant know if this is true or not(even if he does from bottom of his heart) since he lives far and cant see u often. And he says "Sally is so cute" or "Kate is so sexy" all the time, and flirts with them. wouldnt u get worried??

if u wouldnt, well id say u and >>1 are totally different people, but there r people who would get worried and annoyed by things like this whatever the reasons are.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 12:49 ID:QrCJmnWg

>>9 "keeping an eye on her" would just show how clingy you are, I've learnt this much. And if you feel crap everytime your gf flirts with other guys, OP, you are feeling insecure. And insecurity in guys makes us less attractive to girls. And if your gf is doing exactly as you fear, OP, that she's seriously looking at other guys, then perhaps you are not doing enough to keep her interested in you.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 18:43 ID:Heaven


>you are not doing enough to keep her interested in you

Classical mistake.

Do NOT do things with the intent of providing a girl/boy with desirable content in you. Live a rich independant life, yet be (very) willing to share it with her/him.
People often find it terribly creepy and desperate when they realize that the other person is desperately trying to cling onto them like that. Often, the most desirable partner is someone who is interesting by their own devices and not desperately obsessed with you, and does (reasonable) things with you and for you (this goes both ways).

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-08 21:28 ID:q3lQR2Ed

OP Here!

I do trust my girlfriend (i thought i said already?).

The basis of the 'problem' is it makes me feel like im not good enuth.

I never look at anyone other than my girlfriend, not a moral thing but simply because she is the only girl for me. When i DO look at other people its only 'looking at another human' so i dont walk into them or anything (haha). I know she is the one for me and i trust her love so that is all i need. When i hear her voice again on the phone all my worries drift away. Yaknow how it is, we have 'the voice' when we're in love and we talk and talk.. i have nothing to worry bout atall.

I guess girls are different? They are generaly more self contious and stuff or so afew people have recently told me.

So yes, problem solved. She's looking for compliments to feel better :) ( i compliment her like ALL the time too HAHA. I supoise compliments from a range of other people is nice though).

Exuse any typos please, i cant be arsed to check.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-09 05:24 ID:Heaven

Compliments from a wide range of people may be more desirable because it feels more unbiased? Maybe compliments from just you "isn't enough" because you're looking at her through mushy pink glasses, and she knows it. That doesn't make your compliments less worth, but she perhaps want to get a more universal confirmation on her status, than just from a single person, even if that person happens to be the one she loves the most. Second opinions are often seen as good.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-09 15:14 ID:9BVsY1cA

You think he's not worried. He may look like he's not worried. But in actual fact, it dents his ego every time you do that.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-09 23:35 ID:oNd8yy6r

You know this how? Remember that there isn't just one kind of personality guys can have. We're horribly honest with each other, and he knows that if he doesn't state things, then nothing can be done about them. Both of us have made behavior changes in order to make being together easier, he knows (yes, he seriously does) that I'm willing to discuss anything without any hard feelings, and that I'm open for suggestions. We're brutally honest with each other (without insulting each other/being rude and so on). Having been friends for many years before hooking up does that to people sometimes. He doesn't "not look worried". He doesn't act worried, he doesn't sound worried, he doesn't feel worried according to what he's said. I'm terribly sensitive to body-language, so I would notice pretty darn quick if he'd feel bad about it. Unlike my ex who kept bottling some things up inside (even though I wasn't flirting with anyone else the slightest bit during the entire time I was with him - he was too traumatized by his exes and kept assuming I'd react in the same retarded ways they did). People who are afraid to speak their minds are no fun.

18 Name: fart man : 2007-01-10 11:13 ID:kk+gipTq

hey dont fight guys. calm down and be more productive

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-10 15:50 ID:9BVsY1cA

It is true that I don't know your guy. Hence, I am making generalisations. And this is a pretty damn accurate one for the majority of the guys. Girls are always complaining when their bfs check out other girls. So do they seriously think it wouldn't bother men if it was the other way around? Remember, we don't express our feelings as much as females do, hence we don't look worried.

Anyhow. I digress (I've forgotten what this thread was actually about). This is about you and your bf. Both of you Im guessing have super self confidence and trust in each other. My point was aimed more at the "average" couples.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-10 19:10 ID:Heaven

We're not fighting :-D

Ah, but I thought I didn't sound like the average girl, from my posts. I definitely think double-standards are stupid. I am not such a hypocrite that I would get upset at others doing things that I'm allowed to. It would not bother me the slightest to see him flirt with others. It would make me feel relieved, actually. He's terribly cute, but he keeps dismissing compliments from others because of his bad selfesteem when it comes to his looks. We implicitly trust each other (we've easily earned such a level of trust from each other after all of these years) and he knows that he's the brightest star on my sky, which is why he doesn't feel he "competes" with others for my attraction. Nor that me being able to feel attracted to others somehow diminishes the attraction I feel to him.

Average couples seem to often be haunted by double standards, and problems with understanding each other, because both of the persons seem to forget that the values and standards they've grown up with are not universal. So the guy/girl expects the other one to behave a certain way, without actually telling them of that "this is how things are done in my world". They also seem to not want to accept that their world is not universal, and that others have different ideas of what the standards, traditions and values are. It doesn't even take different cultures to cause different standards and values, just the lives of two people.
Fear, is another thing that seems terribly prevalent in dating. Including in the way that rejection somehow would imply that they're less worth, rather than that (temporary) partner just not being a good match, as well as fear of that one "isn't good enough" to ever have someone. Or maybe I've just met too many "emo" people lately.. Annoying people who wallow in their self-pity.

(sorry for getting somewhat off topic, >>1,14. Just say the word, and I'll cease to quasi-hijack this thread.)

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-10 22:56 ID:9BVsY1cA


> Ah, but I thought I didn't sound like the average girl, from my posts.

My bad, I haven't read the entire thread to be honest. I just realised I had been reiterating what >>8 was saying. Anyway, glad to know your man isn't bothered. Must be nice not to have double standards D:

22 Name: Mr. Concerned : 2007-01-14 17:04 ID:4hnH9FXE

I have a problem and I am a little confused too... maybe one of you can help.

I am a 23 year old male and every relationship I have ever had has been sex based, and have never really been in "love".

Recently I have met someone online on a game, and we have been together for about a month now and I am flying down on Thursday to see her. She is really great and I think this could be really something... but...

She happens to be extremely flirty. She flirts with every other guy she knwos in the game and she loves it. It gets me really jealous mainly because she doesn't want anyone to know we are together, even when I come down there to see her and if we actually do find that this IS something, it sounds like she still doesn't want to tell anyone. There are a couple of guys that she flirts with really really heavily to the point where seemingly joking promises of "coming down there and taking her out on a date" or "taking her to a bar and getting drunk with her" are made to her and she goes with it as with she would like it to happen... they lay it on REALLY thick, and she never tells them to stop or tries to avoid it, she just comes back with even heavier stuff sometimes.

And there is nothing I can do about it but sit there and fume quietly. Recently I went to a family gathering so I missed playing the game when she was on ONE night, when we have seen each other pretty much every other night, and I hear that she got extremely drunk and flirty with all the guys online.

I have approached her on this, and she doesn't think her flirting is a big deal and says she wants to keep her personal life personal when I ask about telling the freaking guys that we are together. Yet she is willing to share everything else personal with everyone when she talks...

I really enjoy being with her, and although I want to trust her I find it really hard to with all this...

One more thing, recently when the topic of cheating came up in a discussion with other people and us, my standpoint was that I can't understand it personally, which I can't, I mean if you are with someone then thats who you want to be with the most, if not, leave them. But her standpoint was that they "just don't want to have nothing in the end if it doesn't work out" and never openly said she didn't understand cheating.

Any advice?

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-14 17:30 ID:y+jJHoiR


24 Name: Captain Obvious : 2007-01-14 20:27 ID:Heaven

She's very insecure about the relationship, to the point where she doesn't want to burn her chances with the other guys when your relationship ends (yes, when, even though it probably just is an if consciously in her head). After all, she has not met you yet, and most people tend to fear that they've just missunderstood the person they've fallen for online, that they're not like what they seem to be (no, it doesn't take lying, some habits are unnoticable via the intarwebs, some are greatly magnified and others are shrunk down etc - it's easy to get the wrong idea about people). The excessive flirting might be due to craving attention and acknowledgement, and she may be afraid of losing that if the others find out she's taken, and therefor get less interested in flirting with her as she's taken.
I suggest you wait a bit, and see if she feels she is seriously interest in you when you two have finally seen each other face to face, and spent some time together. Some people have difficulties taking online relationships seriously until they actually get physical confirmation for that it's not just yet another dead-end attention-whoring game, the "NPC"s being the people she flirts with. Wait a few weeks after you two have met and once again gotten separated, and then discuss whether your relationship really is solid, or if it is just a pleasant temporary thing.
(Always look on the bright side...)

25 Name: fart man : 2007-01-15 04:43 ID:kk+gipTq

break up with her. she wont change and u wont either at least in the short run. but make sure u have sex with her before u ditch her.

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-15 06:08 ID:Heaven

It doesn't take the internets to get the wrong idea about people. It's easy, even in real life.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-15 11:07 ID:Heaven

She sucks. She wants to keep other guys attracted to her, hence not letting you tell anyone. It's obvious from her opinion on cheating, that she likes the idea of having all these guys at hand to play with. Either that or she's dating other guys in your server. Date-raping you is also another possible option.

28 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-15 11:34 ID:Heaven

I absolutely despise girls like that. They know perfectly well how girl deprived these guys are, and they go about wrapping them around their little fingers so they themselves can feel wanted. As a girl, I'm a pretty serious gamer and granted, there's nothing wrong with the odd flirt, but I still prefer to play under the guise of a male. It's distracting, and makes the whole game more boring to play when all the guys are flitting around a "female". It's especially pathetic in rpgs, when I get 3 "confessions" a day. That's when I drop the "I'm a 32 year old" gag. Hence my advice is that those type of girls are more often than not, not worth your time, they just crave the attention.

29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-15 14:47 ID:Heaven

Stop playing as a male for the sole reason of not having to put up with flirting from guys. Be firm about unwanted behavior. Those guys need to be taught that girls are not objects to swarm around. The partymembers I tend to play with are all IRL friends of mine, which includes several chicks. We're used to them, and we all play for the sake of playing. They're good at what they do and we give them as much respect as any male players. It's rather annoying to see immature guys who have been trained to see the sight of a chick as an invitation to act like a retarded asshat. They're giving male gamers a bad name, and need to be put in their place. Hey, if girls like you stopped hiding under a male guise, asshat chicks like >>22's wouldn't hold as much power. Who'd you get attracted to? Some chick (or in your case probably a guy) who's good at what they're doing, great personality and a good party member - or some attention whore who can't cover your back because they're too busy flirting with everybody? If the guys at your server learn to respect you and others like you, then you'll get less retarded "confessions". The ones who really get interested in you will take less annoying routs.

30 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-01-16 15:14 ID:Heaven

Yeah, you have a point there.
I do play as a female on rpgs (my guy friends wouldn't let me play as a guy). It's just the fps games that I choose not to put up with all that baggage as a girl. It'd be heaps funny to see the look on their faces when they do find out though. I'll contemplate the idea, it's just so much easier being a "male" atm. Also for the reason that I'm not looking for love online at all. I don't even give away my email address because it'll only lead to niceties and shallow conversation.

31 Name: divine lord : 2010-03-04 17:15 ID:UGm2GCI7

hey dude i really like the way u r thinking(talkin to the girl who said that flirtin is casual), i study NLP psychology so i kinda understand what u mean....yet I just came across this and really apologize coz I have to go now and don't have time 4 posting my opinion, don't even know if the thread is still active!! so if u guys r there and interested in a somewhat more science based discussion drop me an email@ later!!

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-03-05 04:19 ID:Heaven

Don't know if this thread is active? Look at the date for the last post: 2007. It's definitely a dead thread.

33 Name: i feel ya : 2010-08-29 04:03 ID:LfUDZgdp

my girl does the same thing, it irks me so bad! just wish she would quit and be completely MINE!

34 Name: THE BIG DICK : 2010-11-02 06:31 ID:rm2nRjSK

its simple just act that you dont get hurt by what she is doing and flirt and fuck with other girls do sex every day and tell her that you had sex with other girls

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-11-03 16:47 ID:q+pHQRdJ

>>33 What if she says "break off all connection with your "girl" friend and be completely mine!!" im sure you will think shes crazy

36 Name: GLady : 2011-07-01 18:49 ID:u+qkkG3Z

My husband has a friend girl at work. They said they were just friend but they text each other every time, meet each other after work, just the two of them somewhere where there's nobody there in the dark. And now going out for lunch. Insaw them one time and they were trying to run away from me. Can anyone please tell me what kind of friendship is that?

37 Name: jheezy : 2011-11-11 15:42 ID:kdPa1WNc

Be careful, I was super chill about my ex wife flirting with other guys because we had been together forever and she constantly told me I was the one. Then she left for one of the dudes she flirted with. Now I have issue with it all.

38 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-11-12 00:18 ID:RuUa4Chn

Pretty much this. If your partner has a problem with the fact that you have a problem with their flirtatiousness, chances are they won't stay with you for long.

39 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-11-14 01:30 ID:CqCYtrnr

lol this was 4 years ago

40 Name: marshan : 2011-12-13 06:14 ID:jUzGG5mi

how did you solve your problem? im in a similar situation

41 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-12-13 16:33 ID:Heaven

Dump her.

42 Name: claudia : 2011-12-14 16:42 ID:Z+QMepd1

any japanese here i want bf?

43 Name: How i do It : 2012-02-07 17:38 ID:Z8Vce8Pt

I personally have a flirty girlfriend myself (She wont commit though). I've serveral times considered to dump her. Also i have quite the suspicion that my first kiss with her actually were a prank but turned into something real.

Anyways even today she still flirts with guys over the internet and generally everywhere.
The way i deal with it is by listening to music that somewhat describes my feelings.

like when i kept getting Friend-zoned by girls i really liked. I listened to the song "Cash Cow" by We Are Scientists, and it really helped somehow.
That's just my way to deal with things anyways!

44 Name: Herman : 2012-07-24 14:29 ID:SmjSBKmD


45 Name: Secret Admirer : 2014-01-10 13:26 ID:j201fF+e

The truth is, although I want to find where they are

46 Name: Secret Admirer : 2014-01-10 17:20 ID:Sar4pN1Z

I wonder if she still flirts with other men.

47 Name: Secret Admirer : 2014-01-16 15:45 ID:j201fF+e

I want to go in there as soon as possible

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