Looking for a girlfriend (11)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-08-21 05:29 ID:A6EYZbQ1 This thread was merged from the former /love/ board. You can view the archive here.

I'm a 28 year old, socially awkward guy who has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. I'm looking for advice on how to get a girlfriend. I'm very geeky; but my friends tell me I'm good looking. I'm into anime, games, science fiction, etc., basically your classic shy awkward geek.

I'm not looking for a quick fling or anything like that, I really would like to learn how to increase my odds of getting a girlfriend.

I get along very well with girls in my day to day life, actually all my close friends are girls (I tend to not get along with guys very well). I just don't know how to either tell when a girl is interested in me, or talk to a girl in a way that doesn't get me automatically get me friend-zoned.

It's hard to explain; but there's a weird void in me anymore, a strange persisting loneliness when I see my friends and people around me going on dates and falling in love, anymore I just feel very, very sad.

Any and all advice would be appreciated, thank you for your time.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-08-30 00:55 ID:YGCXPUmk

How much do you know about being romantic? Or do you even like romance?
I know about as much as romance manga and relationships in science fiction has taught me, plus I bring my own thing to the table. I guess.

I try to be honest and forward, if I feel certain way about someone, I say so. I make it know. If I get rejected, I move own, and try again another time with another girl. But that's me, you're not me. So what how I act may not work for you.

What do you want to know?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-08-30 06:18 ID:A6EYZbQ1

I know pretty much what I've seen/read in TV, movies, anime and manga. Beyond that I've never been in too terribly romantic a situation either, so I don't know that I have enough experience to even form a basis for liking romance or not.

I guess that for starters, I really need to know how to recognize if someone is interested in me, as I historically would be oblivious; but now over-analyze to where I lock down and defeat the purpose in the first place.

A friend of mine once told me that the best relationships come from friendships, which makes sense; but I have a very small social circle three people, all girls two of whom are seeing people already, the other of whom has a strict no dating of friends policy, and even then isn't looking to be in a relationship right now in the first place. I have no problem talking to girls in a strictly platonic sense; but when it's the extra relationship layer that can really give me trouble.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-08-31 15:39 ID:n7DRh1s9

There are pros and cons to dating someone who was initially a friend. The main benefit is that you already know that person, so you're not going into it blind.

The main drawback is, in my opinion, a lot more serious. If things don't work out between you, there's a possibility that your friendship will be ruined. I've experienced this myself. I'm a lot like you, except I've had one relationship (which really isn't very different from having had no relationships when it comes to experience.) But that relationship was with a friend who went after me romantically. I never had any interest in her; not in that way, but I was alone and thought I may as well try something new out. We went off and on for a few years, but it was pretty much torture for both of us: for me, because I felt trapped in a relationship I wasn't happy with, and for her, because she was trying to love someone who didn't love her back. I eventually stopped talking to her because she just couldn't get the message that I wasn't interested in her - this is after coming right out and saying it.

I'm not saying this will happen to you. I have my own problems that definitely contributed to the failure of our relationship and our friendship (I'm pretty much a 2d-con, if that tells you anything.) But it is a danger, even for "normal" people.

I would advise you to try to find someone new. Maybe try meeting a woman who has the same interests as you. I know how hard this can be, because our interests seem to overlap a lot and I've never really been able to find any friends who are into the things I like. But it's worth a shot.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-09-04 03:28 ID:A6EYZbQ1

OP here: Yeah, that's long been my fear with dating a friend. I'm somewhat reclusive, so the friends I have I value tremendously.

I have more than my fair share of issues; but I still am hoping to find someone.

The problem as I feel it right now, is that as a 28 year old anime/game/science fiction geek, is that the only venues really accessible to me right now are primarily anime clubs and conventions (I know of one science fiction club in the next city; but it clashes with my work schedule). At my age, it feels like all the girls I might meet at an anime convention are either too young for me, or already in a relationship. It's mildly frustrating.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-09-04 10:07 ID:/7KnyPvU

You could network more by making a group of friends and going out with them. That's what I did, anyway. As a fellow nerd/all around geek, I understand the difficulty in finding places to go that aren't stereotypical and full of the associated stereotypical women. I actually started making a bunch of friends primarily at conventions, whom I then saw regularly. From there I met other people not necessarily into the same sort of geek culture but still interesting and worthwhile to talk with. Eventually I ran into some available girls and even dated one, then another, all because I began by simply leaving the house and hanging around with people who shared my hobbies.

Sounds like a dumb success story, perhaps. But it's a pretty straightforward truth. Find and enjoy the company of people you can relate to. Everything else will come naturally.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-09-04 10:11 ID:/7KnyPvU

For reference, I'm currently 22 years old. Only ever had to avoid underage girls when at conventions, as you mentioned. Legal and available women were otherwise easy to come across.

8 Name: Girl123 : 2012-09-16 23:28 ID:YS2wgemd

its rare to find guys who arent looking for just a fling these days :(

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-09-19 00:54 ID:A6EYZbQ1

OP here:

>>6 I actually just went to a convention over the weekend. I actually do tend to have fun there; but my social anxiety is also in full swing there, and as a result I tend to spend most of my time in my room (last year I spent the con either in the dealers room, or in my room watching Big O while ironing my entire groups wardrobe). I did a bit better this year; but just being around large groups o people like that is enough to wear me down after an hour at most (to be honest, even my weekly anime club can be difficult).

Making friends is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do, I've had a lot of friendships go very badly in the past, a couple of which were quite scarring. I did talk to a couple people at conventions this weekend (try ignoring a 6'8" fellow wearing either a while lion mask or those brainwave Necomimi in a fancy blue suit, it can't be done. That said I honestly don't know what kind of impression I left upon them, they were usually coming to talk to my friends, and I would usually just drift into the conversation in one way or another.

It's frustrating because there's the part of me that wants to make more friends, and the other part of myself that's terrified about what may happen if I do, like I said, my friendships have a history of ending badly, and it's difficult for me to open myself to that again. The friendships I have now just kind of "happened", I don't really know any other way to put it, and the idea of going out and making friends is complicated for me.

I really am wanting, and hoping to be able to get a girlfriend, I'm just screwed up enough to make all the usual avenues and methods of doing incredibly daunting to say the least.

>>8 Yeah, I have a hard time comprehending the mentality behind a fling or a one night stand. I'm pretty old fashioned that way. I do get that people just need to relieve the tension or whatever; but that level of dissociation is something I'm not capable of. If I'm hanging around you, let along anything more, I have to actually like you, and want to get to know you better. A pretty girl will catch my eye, just like anyone; but if I don't like the person inside the body... At the very least I can say that I'm not that superficial.

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