Seriously Questioning My Relationship For The First Time (9)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-11 17:31 ID:I7Mr8k+G This thread was merged from the former /love/ board. You can view the archive here.

I wish I had someone IRL to turn to, but I don't. Here's my story...

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for a little over a year now, let's call her M. The problem is, we're both adults and it's like we're fucking teenagers. This is really both our first legitimate relationships. (She was in one before, but it was highly restrictive and dysfunctional, and I've never been in one before.) Her mother is overprotective of her and she gets very little freedom. Much of the time we spend together is under the watchful gaze of an adult (usually her mother) or her presence is at least felt. I have intimacy issues with her. She doesn't always turn me on. I'm a recovering porn addict. I quit earlier in the year and haven't whacked to porn since, but I'm still having intimacy issues. She used to be my friend's girlfriend, and we started developing feelings for each other then, while their relationship was in decline, but I squashed them because I wasn't going to be that guy. When they finally broke up, nothing changed. I felt no physical attraction because I repressed it, but our personalities were still connecting. She's everything I want emotionally in a relationship. We trust each other, respect each other, we communicate openly, we understand each other, we love each other. She's like someone I knew in a past life. That's how well we get along. We just feel this strong connection with each other. We understand each other like no other two people can...even though we have very little in actual common.

I was for a long time, before all this, not good to M in certain ways. I would talk to her about all my crushes and she would endure it. Yes, I was an asshole for this. If you must remind me, go ahead. Even after she broke up with her boyfriend, I was for a while, distracted by other women. The last one I met not too long after I met M, we'll call her K. It was sort of a missed connection kind of thing, but a friend of mine (and M's then boyfriend) put us back in touch and we hit it off. She was beautiful (she could've been and did some modeling at one time) kind, sweet, smart, down to earth, and we seemed interested in each other. (I couldn't believe this at first, and to this day, still think it was a fluke or sorts.) I started spending quite a bit of time with her. She could drive (M can't). I'd visit her at school and she'd come over to my house and vice versa. She was a lot of fun. She was also very ambitious, maybe a little too ambitious. She'd try to get me involved in certain business/job opportunities that I saw as scams. I was employed at the time. She seemed genuinely concerned about me. She took me to an event to try to help me network with people, things like that. We'd talk on the phone and Skype late into the night until someone fell asleep. We did things that it took me years to do with M (nothing sexual, never got that far with K, not even a kiss) and some I still haven't done with her! I think she liked me, but she never actually said it. I did tell her though and she asked what I wanted in a relationship, which never being in one, I couldn't answer. My growing bond with K was starting to affect M. One time, I answered the phone in front of M and it was K, and my "happy to hear from you" reaction upset M greatly.


2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-11 17:33 ID:I7Mr8k+G

One night, I was out with K, and she said something to me that just seemed off. She told me that she could have whatever life she wanted, but she wasn't sure what it was she wanted. When I asked for elaboration, she said she didn't know if she wanted the high, glamorous lifestyle or something more low-key and ordinary. Subconsciously, something clicked in my head and I realized I loved M. Also, it put into the back of my head that a relationship with K wouldn't last for long and that I'd wind up getting hurt in the end...which I wanted to avoid at all costs. I'd experienced plenty of pain by this point. She had told me about some of the types of guys she had been involved with in the past...and I certainly didn't compare to their exciting lifestyles or jobs. Why was this girl interested in me? I had nothing going for me at the time. Hell, I'm still just trying to survive and get my life started.

I had recently went through a crisis in my life at this time, and K told me about this seminar that helps people in crisis. I had told M about it and she invited herself. They met each other. Afterwards, M had some not so nice things to say about K. But it didn't matter. I was much more attentive to her than K. It seemed obvious who I had chosen during that day, M, but it would take one more thing...

A few months later, I was invited to some event by K, which I knew M wouldn't approve of. I asked her about it and she was very upset. (Yeah, what an idiot I am.) I didn't go. After this, K and I fell out of touch again. Her and M had become Facebook friends after the seminar, and I knew that any contact with K would be seen as a threat to M and unfaithful on my part (even though we weren't in a relationship) so I let us fall out of touch. I would contact her once a year to thank her about telling me about the seminar. (It really helped me through a rough time.) She mentioned how she'd like to hang out again. I knew that we couldn't though. Yeah OK, technically we could've. I wasn't committed to M yet, but I cared too much about how it would affect her. I suppose I could've suggested an open relationship, but I don't think M would've went for it. Later on, she started associating with a guy, and I learned I wasn't open to it either. Then one year, I told K that M and I were dating, and I never heard from her again after her response. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?

M and I wouldn't make things official for about another 9 months, and there was plenty of drama in between (and still ongoing). Although, before we committed to a relationship, I had more leeway. Now that we're in a relationship, I have no excuses. I don't express my love to her enough apparently, and we still have intimacy issues, even though I've stopped whacking to porn. She showed me her boobs and it was,anticlimactic, which bothers me greatly. I still makeout with one eye open, even if there's no chance of her mom coming home anytime soon. It's like we've been married for years in many ways. She says I take more than I give, but I sacrifice a lot to be with her. I have to drive two hours whenever I want to see her...and then there's her overbearing mother. She's like my damn mother-in-law. Most people wouldn't put up with that. Our relationship has been tested time and time again and we've stuck through it all.


3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-11 17:34 ID:I7Mr8k+G

I feel like our relationship has progressed as far as it can go until she/we can get her/our life/lives started. Her mother isn't going to relent. I have tried reasoning with her in the past to no avail. M is working on getting her license finally, and she'll be done with school soon and be able to get a job. Sometimes we both feel like this relationship has only existed as a result of our circumstances. In other words, if we both had our lives together, we wouldn't be together. She thinks I'm going to leave her once I get my life together, but I still think she'll leave me first. I chose to be with her over another girl, after all. Sometimes I wish I had stayed in contact with K as friends, but if she liked me, I didn't want to bother her with my issues with M, because I'd been through that with girls I liked telling me about their guy problems and I wasn't going to do that to someone else. That aside from the "I'm being unfaithful" kind of thing M would see. She's always had problems feeling inadequate compared to other women.

I can't say I'd spend the rest of my life with M just yet, but she's a strong candidate, and I can see us being together a very long long as things improve.

There's one other thing, she's bixsexual. She met a girl during her internship she has a huge crush on. She still thinks about her and talks to me about her. I'm not entirely convinced she would stick with a girl. I think she needs to experience a relationship with a woman though, if only so she doesn't keep entertaining herself with the idea of one. If she knew I had this "grow out of it" attitude towards this, she'd kill me. It doesn't bother me that she talks to me about girls and even if it did, I put her through hell with my crushes, so I kind of feel like I deserve it. But maybe it does bother me a little, as I found myself thinking about K lately. Sometimes when the overglaring issues of our relationship rear its ugly head, I wonder if I made the right choice too, because I know I wouldn't have had these issues with K if I chose her. We would however, have a completely different set of issues. I wanted something long term, and I didn't see that happening with K, but now I'm wondering if this is the short term relationship and K wasn't. Everything's been turned upside-down recently, since I checked K's facebook and it says she's engaged. I don't know if this is true though, as it's listed she got engaged twice within the span of a month. But she's never seemed like the type that messed around with things like that.

So I guess what I'm trying to ask is, did I make the right choice? Or is the fact I'm asking this saying I'm an asshole and didn't make the right choice/don't deserve to be in a relationship at all? Is this just the wrong time for me and M and we're being stubborn idiots? I love my girlfriend deeply, and I have no one to talk to about this. M is my best friend, but who do you talk to about your girlfriend when your girlfriend is your best friend? I've lost contact with my other friends because of real life, so they are not an option. They never really offered any good advice anyway, just typical guy remarks.

I recognize the whole "grass is greener" thing, but I feel like...even if I chose the other girl and it didn't last, I would still be here with my current girlfriend. Like wind up in the same place, just having a slightly different way of getting here. It's a terrible thought, but I'm just starting to think about what I'm "missing out on" out there. Something my girlfriend fears. Which isn't really much. I hardly go out and my reconnecting with K was just a coincidence. Maybe when I get my life together things will change, but she has nothing to fear before then.


4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-11 17:35 ID:I7Mr8k+G

They both made me happy. It's just that...maybe I was a little hasty in my decision. I hadn't even associated with her for a year before I chose my friend that I've known for a lifetime now. And I kind of feel guilty for not straight out telling K we couldn't hang out anymore. Maybe we could've still talked at least. I have no one to confide in. I feel so alone and helpless.

Basically this news has just thrown my relationship into real question for the first time, because very little, if anything has changed. We're stuck, it can't grow because it's being suffocated by forces we can't control. It's like a bonsai, almost. I'm always afraid of her getting in trouble, because I saw what happened with her last relationship. I love her but I never questioned our relationship like I am right now. I never really thought about K after ceasing communication. I never questioned anything...and now that I am, I have no one to talk to, no confidant, because my girlfriend is my best friend. I know that nothing questioned is worth believing in/keeping, but it's a damn painful process.

My thanks for any constructive advice you can provide.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-11 18:09 ID:I7Mr8k+G


I wish I had someone IRL to turn to, but I don't. Here's my story...abridged.

I've been in a wonderful relationship with my best friend for a little over a year. She's everything I've wanted in a relationship emotionally. Her mother is very overprotective. We rarely have any privacy and there are intimacy issues. She recently showed me her boobs and it was anticlimatic. The few times we have enough privacy to make out, I'm rarely turned on. I stopped whacking to porn in the spring and haven't fapped to it since.

This is my first relationship and this is her first fully functional relationship. I was sort of dating a girl before we got together who was at least everything physical I wanted in a relationship, and we had a growing bond but it didn't grow enough before I had to make a choice and I chose my friend.

Sometimes when things go wrong, I think about the other girl, and lately I've been thinking about her a lot. I cut her out for the sake of the relationship. My gf is also bi and talks to me about this girl she's been crushing on. She still thinks about her. I put her through a lot with my crushes, so it doesn't bother me, but then again, maybe subconsciously it does? She also feels inadequate compared to most girls and fears I'll leave.

Did I make the right choice? Or is the fact I'm asking this saying I'm an asshole and didn't make the right choice/don't deserve to be in a relationship at all? Is this just the wrong time for us and we're being stubborn idiots? I love my girlfriend deeply, and I have no one to talk to about this. She's my best friend, but who do you talk to about your girlfriend when your your girlfriend is your best friend? I've lost contact with my other friends because of real life, so they are not an option. They never really offered any good advice anyway, just typical guy remarks.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-24 14:35 ID:I7Mr8k+G

OP here,

Mod, please delete this thread. It's not going to get any responses and is therefore, a waste of space. Thank you.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-08-26 00:04 ID:uJouWdhx

You seem to overthink too many things, maybe because she's your first.

I don't know how you can call it a "fully functional relationship" with those intimacy issues. Being a porn addict shouldn't be this big a problem, especially cause you stopped since spring.
When you make out, STOP THINKING, let your body go automatic, don't be ashamed to feel carnal desire for her.

Did you choose the wrong girl? Nobody can tell.

Also, I heard one time that one can't have a good relationship if he didn't have his heart broken once.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-10-05 18:14 ID:fSR0FR09

"We [M and OP] have very little in actual common."

This is one of the reasons why your relationship with M can't last.

The other is that you have an inferiority complex:

  • You quit a relationship with someone you admired (K) because you didn't believe she could love you. You sabotaged your chances out of insecurity.
  • You chose M, and stuck with it despite not having anything in common with her, because you don't feel ready to have someone (that you consider) better. She's right, when you get your life together, your thoughts will change and you will be ready to dump her, but will it be too late by then?

Did you choose the wrong girl? We can't answer that for you; only you can tell, since it's a personal choice. I believe you went for the easier option: the girl (M) that loves you, but that I believe you only love because she loves you and for how she makes you feel, and not for who she is (you don't have anything in common!). I believe you love her for the wrong reasons. And, like you said and then hastily dismissed, the other girl (K) would bring her own set of problems: but are those problems "sweeter," problems that you'd rather deal with than these?

This isn't an M or K choice: there are many more girls out there that you can meet. In fact, K isn't a choice any more. Forget K.

I'd say that you should do exactly what M predicted you would do (because it's the rational choice): improve yourself to a point where you have enough self-esteem to meet another girl, and then break up with M. Even before you dated her, you had this irrational idea that you had to be faithful to her (even though you weren't even dating!). Breaking up with her is not being unfaithful. Stop thinking about what she wants and have some self-compassion.

In conclusion, there are two things here: do you really love her, or do you just love her because you feel you don't deserve anyone that you consider better? And, if you don't actually love her, do you have the courage to find someone that you consider better and then dump her?

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2013-10-07 05:17 ID:bFSG7dGg

yeah but is her anus pretty?

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