I know you're right about love, but I have so much doubt about myself. That I even consider myself a bad person, since I do bad things like not going to bed in good time, or messing my life up.
I often hear that I shouldn't be harsh towards myself, but it's just that I have my doubts, and it's sometimes also a way for me to avoid of being too presumptious.
I have also realized that I had alot of negative experience of mean, over-ambitious demanding teachers in school. My father and grandmother had a very negative attitude about things also.
I was also very negative when I was young, but I try very hard to avoid, and have reduced my negative now. But mainly towards people and things around me, and obviously not about myself.
I had so-so grades in school, despite of being smart. I know that I only can blame myself of not having more perseverance.
I maybe don't really feel betrayed by people, when they are fed up with me.
Now I just feel alot of doubt, even though I'm not aware of it.
Yes I would like to have some nice sex with a girl, but I doubt about myself alot, and feel anxiety when people expect me to be fun or friendly. And I honestly don't like to be around alot of people, while a few people is better.
I try alot to be openminded and nice to people, but the only reaction is that they either are mean or avoidant, especially girls. I even try to confront those who are avoidant, but they blame me of being too depressive.
That's when I realize that I have failed at everything, school, social interaction and my personal improvement. It feels like I have an obssesion of being negative about myself.
But I feel I have recently improved my friendship with my close buddy, whom I spend most of my social-time with. Which is about twice a month nowadays.
Even though I won't really admit it. I'm really scared of being alone.But I'm often insecure if I should trust other people than my mother. I know I should, but I'm in the process of obtaining a therapy through a nearby hospital.
I know I could maybe help myself by writing a blog about myself, but I am a bit sensetive of criticism of my person.
Sorry if I'm bothering you with my doubts and wants.
But I often don't feel in the right mood of doing things that I know can help me.
I also know that I long for a real lady, a beautiful woman.
but my doubts always prevents me from obtaining what I'm yearning for.