Hi residents of 4-ch. I've recently stumbled across this board of yours while browsing through 2-ch on some info and story on "Densha Otoko". Never thought i'll be posting here . . . But after looking through the other threads, i figured you guys could help me on this.
Firstly, a brief description on myself:- im a single male, 21 years old, going 22 in a few months time. And as unbelieveable as it can be. . . My age = to the number of years i've been single.
And here's my story. I've been waiting for this lady (let her be known as "S") for a total of 8 years now. Within this period of 8 years, we went from good friends to total strangers due to some backstabbers and the immatured things i've done. However, 5 years back, i managed to get in contact with her again through text messaging. Eventually, i confessed to her via a text message, and till now, i've not gotten any answers from her. And just recently, a few months back, i found out that she was attached to someone else . . . ＿|￣|○
I was really depressed when i got to know about it . . 8 years of waiting down the drain. . . But during these few months, this lady(let her be known as "J") whom i've been going out with, as friends, for ard 2 years for now, gave me advices and encouraged me alot. At first, i thought of "J" as just another good friend, but some words she said recently, suddenly awakened me from my state of depression. And before I could even react, I suddenly developed this feeling towards her.
I'm very confused now . . Should I just forget about "S" and try moving on to the next stage of relationship with "J" . . . or should I just continue waiting for "S"'s answer. . .
I'll be going out with "J" this coming Friday . . Should I make my move or should I wait . . . And if so . . how should I confess . . I'm not very good with words and would often stammer when it comes to this type of things. ＿|￣|○
Thanks in advance for answering and sorry for boring you guys with my lengthy thread.
> i confessed to her via a text message
Come here. Come here. Let me bitchslap you. Text message, you dope.
A bird in the hand (if you'll pardon the pun) is worth two in the bush. Forget S. If months have gone by and you've got no reply, she's not interested in you. Move on. You've got J now.
As for "confessing" to J… it doesn't need to be a "confession," really. Odds are, if you've really been spending a lot of time together, she already has a pretty good idea of what you think of her and vice versa. No need to get all sappy and cartoony; just something like "you know, I really like you" or "you're wonderful, you know that?" will work. Judge her reaction to a comment like that, and you'll have your answer.
Thanks. . . i'll take your advice into consideration. But the thing is, "J" has been asking me, whenever we went out, whether I had anyone in mind . . over and over again, i hesistated and told her: "I dunno." ＿|￣|○
And just last night, she asked me, over MSN, if I'm still having feelings for "S" . .
I gave her this answer: "If forgetting her = not having feelings for her, I think I would need time, it could be one day, one week, one month or a year . . ."
And she replied: "Oh, I understand. But eventually you would still need to forget and move on, even if it takes time."
Come to think of it now . . I feel like a total idiot, giving her that type of answer . . . And to add on, "J" has already told me quite sometime back that she already had someone in mind . . but just that she hasn't made her move yet . . .
I'm in a dilemma now. . . Should I try, and get rejected once again and risk losing another friend. Or should I wait till another time. . .
J might -- might -- be asking you those things because she wants to know if you're truly available, and ready to advance in your and her relationship. If so, then dude, she's waiting for you. Just go stick your head in a bucket of ice water, get over this S chick, and you just might be in like Flynn. But by God's sake, don't do anything over freakin' text messaging and MSN. Show her you care by being with her, face to face. Like I said, your confession doesn't need to be formal and dramatic and cheesy, but it does need to be sincere. For sincerity, nothing can top being there in person.
My girl loves to freakin' chat with me all the time over AIM. Drives me nuts, because nothing she can say with her absent punctuation and frequent misspellings can compare with her actually being there by my side.
Thanks again. . But seriously . . i really dont have the guts to just confess to "J" face to face . . . On normal days, I could even stammer when talking to ladies whom I dont really know that well.
Even now, the thought of having myself confess to "J" this Friday makes my heart beats faster and faster and faster . . Can..t....b...re..ath.e....p.r..op.erly....
chin up!
i am...,too
r2_jane@yahoo.co.jp
I know its hard forgetting past feelings especially for someone like S who seems to be quite special in your life. However I think you can't let a girl like J go by and it seems to me (at least from what I read) that you two are on the same wavelength (which is GREAT) so I think I'm with the rest of the fellas and say go for it!
Just keep going and pray you're not in a friendzone!! Good luck!
Thanks for the encouragement guys. . . But I am lost as to what to do this coming Friday. . . I need to know what, when and how to say it out to her. . . Or maybe I should think through first and try some other day . . .
Here's the possible results that I've thought of, which might happen if i confess on Friday. . .
Confession ---- Stammer/screw up --- Rejection --- Alone again
| (60% chance) ＿|￣|○
|
Everything goes
smoothly (40% chance)
|
|
Acceptance
|
|
Happy ending
Oh, for crissake, you're thinking about this way too freakin' much. Look, I know that rejection is scary. I used to be afraid too. But if it happens, then that's all that happens. You won't die, the world won't end, the sun won't fail to rise in the east tomorrow morning.
Look, let's try this. Get this whole "confessing" crap out of your head, or at least your image of how it should happen. It doesn't need to be some cheesy dramatic speech that'll sweep her off her feet. Just a simple sentence or two. "You're really great, you know?" "What would I do without you?" Something along those lines.
And don't think about it. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. When the right time comes on Friday, just say it. Don't think about it before, don't think about it during, don't think about it after. Just act. It sounds so hard, but really, it's so easy.
So you get rejected. Or maybe you don't. Either way, this stuff will be easier next time. Just getting over this first hump is the hard part -- but you can do it. Just have some confidence in yourself, and do less thinking and more action.
Good luck, soldier.
O..k.. point noted. . . less thinking more actions. . . thanks. . .
Don't confess. Never confess on a first date or even early in a relationship. The early part of an relationship is like concrete settling, you can't start putting stuff on it until the basic foundation is ready, which is trust, security, etc. By saying 'I love you' that puts you from dating to a relationship. Seriously when you take her out, first don't talk about 'S' and make 'J' feel special, second just have fun. Seriously with experience first dates aren't a big deal, the purpose of a first date is to get a second date. Goodluck
Er.m thanks.. but the thing is ..I've been going out with "J" for quite sometime now. . . Donno whether those were counted as "dates" or not . . .
Anyway, I chatted with her on MSN last nite and for the first time, I got to ask "J" about the type of guy she's looking for.
She told me that she had these following criterias in mind:
1) Must be able to love and care for her.
2) Must be financially stable enough.
3) The guy must be able to give her a sense of security.
4) The guy must always, always place God in first place. .
despite of anything else>
I could understand point 1 to 3. But point 4. . . is religion such an important factor when looking for your prospective "other-half" ?
Please enlighten me guys..
Well, you didn't share your own religious views, but I'll assume that yours are leaning more toward agnosticism or non-practice.
In college, I had a friend who was absolutely nuts about a girl, and they dated for a long time. Eventually, though, she had to reject him, because she was strongly Christian and he was a stubborn atheist. (He was heartbroken, but apparently not enough to reconsider his religious views.) So for some people, yes, it is very important. The fact that she brought this up shows that she is most likely one of these people.
Are your religious beliefs in line with hers? If not presently, then could they be? (Would you be willing to be "converted" to her religious beliefs?) If not, then, well, I hate to tell ya, but game over, man. You shouldn't pursue the relationship any further, at least not without letting her know that she's not going to meet criterion #4 with you.
Whatever you do, don't insincerely fake interest in her religious beliefs, and certainly don't try to downplay their importance to her. The former creates a relationship based on a lie, and the latter will likely just make her angry.
I definitely agree with 1. She's obviously looking for a lifetime partner, not just a good time to point out that she's looking for someone with the same religous beliefs. And if she did point them out it would be best to consider how you feel about it.... in which case I for one am wondering whether you fit the bill as her 'ideal man'?
Well . . I do think i fulfill points 1 to 3. . . But for point 4 . . er..m . . cause I myself, am a Buddhist . . (and yes. . I'm chinese). I'm willing to embrace another religion, but to be as devoted as what "J" has described . . I think a lot of time would be needed. . .
Well I won't lie to you but I find this to be a difficult situation to be in. If those 4 traits (with the highlight on #4) are really the things she's looking for then she might not feel the same way for you. Maybe you're just her friend? It sucks saying this because I hate being 'just a friend' (which I've encountered enough time to know that it SUCKS)... but who knows maybe she's in a dilemma herself. It might help if you tell us more what your relationship is like with her? What do the other guys think?
... of course if you are willing to convert... then it might work? But I don't know how genuine your 'conversion' be since you didn't do it for the appropriate reasons.
Well . . We're sort of like best friends . . I've known "J" since my secondary education days, which is around 6 years ? But we lost contact immediately after we graduated.
Then we met again during my tertiary education days which was 2 to 3 years back. That was when she started asking me out, to accompany her for shopping sprees and all that. And at the same time, we started to chat with each other nearly everyday on MSN. We shared our personal problems with one another, and often she would help me solve them.
A few months back, my other friends even advised me to try bringing my relationship with "J" up to the next level . . . But I just couldnt bring myself to . . due to "S" back then. . .
Oops. Everywhere in this thread where I was 1, I should have been 2. Just now noticed that. Idjit.
Anyway, it sounds like we now have the lay of the land pretty well. On Friday, you're gonna do what I said earlier: forget dramatic "confessions" and just let her know how important she is to you. (If you seriously need a script, how's this? "You know, I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together in the past, and I hope we can spend a lot more time together in the future. What do you think?")
If the God thing comes up, either then or later in your relationship, you're going to be honest; you were not raised sharing her beliefs, and though you're open to them, it will take some time for you to adjust. (At least, that's what I gathered from your posts; is this true?)
So on Friday evening, after your date, you're going to post here and you're going to tell us what her reaction was. We're not going to hear no "I couldn't do it," no "the right moment didn't come up," no excuses at all, because you're going to do it, all right?
Remember: Sincerity, self-confidence, and no need to overdo -- or overthink -- things. To mix metaphors, the ball's in your court, so go hit it outta the park.
Erm..er..m i can feel the pressure on me . . even now. . . Could i just go on by saying part of it ? Like: "I really hope we can spend more time together in the future."
Any idea when i should tell her that ? Here's a rough plan on what we'll be doing tomorrow:
1) Meet up at 1600hrs, do some window shopping.
2) Have dinner at around 1800-1900hrs.
3) Continue shopping from 1900-2100hrs (??)
4) Hopefully take the train back to our area.
5) Her house is around 3-5km from the train station. I
think she'll be walking home. . so maybe i could accompany
her?
Whenever you're both enjoying each other's company. Whenever you're both having fun doing whatever you're doing, and it's fun that you wouldn't be having if you were alone. Trying to find the exact moment to do it is thinking too hard. You'll know.
Guys . . I'll be going out in around 3 hours time . . I'll post about what happen when I reach home. .
And thanks for the help and support. . .
Sorry guys. . . i've let you down . .
I suddenly backed out due to my old illness relapsing. . .
I didnt tell her the truth . . I just told her that i couldnt make it due to some urgent matters. . .
I suddenly felt that I shouldn't have lied. . Do you think I should just tell her about my relapse and try set up another date ?
>>24
What is your illness? Is there a reason you felt the need to lie (i.e. you're stuck with this illness forever and it's embarassing)? If you just got sick I'm sure she'll understand. In fact, it would probably be better if you told her the truth. Saying you have "urgent matters" could be taken as "I have more important things to do." She will probably understand and not take offense if you tell her you were sick, though.
I've been suffering from mild panic attacks for around 3 years now. . Experienced some serious relapses for the whole of this week . . wasnt able to work or go out . .
We agreed on the date since last week. . and i didnt want to tell her that I couldnt meet up with her due to my illness . .
i tried going out today . . but wasnt able to do so . . . im so pathetic . . ＿|￣|○
>>26 Do you even fucking KNOW what the fuck is a panic attack?? No!
Let me tell you that it's not "getting nervous". Or "I don't know what to do!!".. Noo... It's not those. Look at a psychology book. Those are BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERS!! And 60% of women are that.
I hate women for this shit. They always try to show themselves as the victims.
I just read the updates. I have to think about it and give you a better response since I'm off to work. However I will say that it is too bad that things turned out like this.
>>26 Still, I think telling a girl you had urgent matters to attend to is bad, since it makes it seem like she isn't an urgent matter.
>>27
E.rm. . .I think you misunderstood my post . . .
What should I do now . . I've been waiting for her to come online to explain to her since last night . . .
Or should I just text message or call her to explain it . .
What do I do now guys . . .
Call her and tell her that you got sick and feel bad that you had to cancel at the last minute and promise you will make it up. Also try not to have another panic attack, a first date is nothing really. Just keep calm you will be fine, and if you still feel an attack is coming remember you promised to take her out and it would be mean if you broke a promise.
Okay. You pussed out. I'd shame you, but I'm sure you already feel ashamed. (Of course, if not, you should.)
So what do you do? You apologize again for cutting out on her. Then you reschedule for as soon as she has free time. Tonight? Tomorrow? As soon as she's free, so are you.
And this time, you're going to go see her. You don't have to tell her that you had a panic attack if you don't want to, but you are going to make sure she knows that it's all your fault you couldn't/didn't want to be there, not hers (which is the truth). Got that?
If you really like someone, as she may really like you, getting cancelled out on a date for ambiguous or suspicious reasons hurts. Take my word on it. You may have done some damage here; don't do it again, or you might as well just give up and stay in your room all day.
Thanks guys . . And sorry again for letting you guys down . .
＿|￣|○
I'm gonna call her, apologize and set another date. . she ignored the previous text messages sent to her yesterday . . This maybe harder than I thought . . But i'll try. . .
>she ignored the previous text messages sent to her yesterday . .
NO MORE TEXT MESSAGES. NO MORE MSN OR EMAIL. Call her or see her in person. It's more sincere -- it'll be harder for you to lie, and it'll be harder for her to ignore you.
I just spoke to her . . She seemed alright . . I told her about my problems and all that . . and even offered to give her a treat when we meet next time . . she seemed reluctant about the treat . .
I've yet to set another date with her as she seemed to be in a rush . . . Should I give her another call now . . . or later ?