You end up being a jerk and hurt people more than anything when you can't be straight about what you want to be and what you want to do. Don't live in the darkness, either kill what you have there or bring the shit out into the light, personally I suggest the beforementioned alternative.
I don't know you or your wife, but the best thing you can do is approach her as if you have a problem you want help with, be frank, you're sick, you can't think straight and you fucked up. You're putting to much weight on your idea of a giving sex-life, but in the end these are just ideas that have gotten stuck in your head and grown into something ugly because you somehow fail on a more basic level. The causes for things are often quite simple and thats what you need to treat to solve the problem. And it's worth taking up a fight for, because what you have with your wife is more valuable than this shit, don't you agree? You can't hold on to both things because that will in the long run ruin you greatly AND hurt others more than if you openly choose now.
So set your mind straight about what you really want, then be open and honest about it.