But the thing is, it's easier to leave things as they are. When I'm stable, it's easy to believe that perhaps this time I'm up for good, and there won't be another attack. And when I'm not stable, staying alive isn't exactly a priority.
Besides, spending money and risking the loss of my job are major risks when you consider that I don't know what it feels like to not have this problem. My first attempt was at age 9; I've lived with this all of my life. The commercials for anti-depressants talk about lifting the clouds and all that rubbish, but I don't understand what that means in actual, quality-of-life terms. What I have now is what I know.
And it's not bad all of the time. When I'm solidly up, like I am now, there's no real risk of my attempting suicide. When I'm solidly down, I don't even have the energy to lift a finger to type, much less take my own life. It's the transitional periods that are the problem, but if I enforce rigid self-discipline and avoid emotional shocks, I can usually get through those well enough.
It's when I'm in a transitional period and experience an emotional shock that I'm in trouble. 18 months ago, when I saw that girl kissing that guy, was an example. But given that these stars don't align often, and given the obstacles between me and treatment, it seems like the best course of action is to hold steady and try to stay above water.