oh shit I'm sorry
>>374
Chin held high, you head after your dearest sauropod. You hum an upbeat tune to yourself, enjoying the cool breeze and the feeling of sunlight on your skin. For a brief while, it feels like all the world is your friend, and everything horrible that has happened until now was no more than a disagreeable dream. You happily let yourself be distracted by the exotic flora and fauna nearby, sniffing brightly coloured flowers, listening to the distant calls of birds of paradise, and examining colourful winged insects.
So caught up in your natural history are you that you fail to pay attention to the path beneath your feet, and nearly trip over something. Looking down, it appears to be a grunt.
>>375
You apologise profusely and somewhat more explicitly than normal, before noticing that the grunt in question is very much dead, with a sizeable portion of his head missing. You also find five or six more of his compatriots - it's hard to tell exactly how many, what with how mangled and dismembered they are - scattered about. They mostly bear crushing injuries, as best you can tell. Many of them are holding crude sharpened sticks or similar implements.
The ground here is badly churned up, with smears of blood mixing with the dirt and small plants. There appear to be many of Rupert's footprints overlapping in the area. His footprints do not then continue along the path, but rather turn off at a ninety degree angle into the thicket. There is a thick band of broken vegetation indicating his path. There are other, curious tracks visible further up the path, now that they are not trampled into oblivion by Rupert. Most notably, you see two thin, straight, parallel depressions running in a straight line.
>>376
You kneel before the dead grunts and mew plaintively, trying to inspire a response. You think about how scared and alone poor Theodore probably is at this moment, and try to bring this into your performance. Your imitation is flawless, and should inflame the emotions of any creature, alive or dead. Nonetheless, the corpses clearly have hearts of stone. You lose. You are the poorest pussy of all.
At that moment you look up to find that you are not alone. There is a rather grim looking girl in a wheelchair in front of you. She is pointing the barrel of a harpoon gun at you. "Don't move an inch, or I'l--" her voice cuts off in mid threat, as her vision flicks suddenly to some point over your shoulder. You instinctively turn to see.
The grunt corpse behind you is slowly pulling itself to its feet, seemingly oblivious of the fact it is missing half of its face. Looking around, the other corpses are each twitching and rising in a most sickening fashion. You are caught right in the centre of them all. Without a word, the girl in the wheelchair turns and begins to propel herself away, apparently leaving you to die.
Invite your new undead friends to start a grimdark black metal band with you.
Set the corpses on fire using pyrokinesis.
>>378
However terrifying the animate cadavers surrounding you may appear, you must not be prejudiced against your new companions. You have faith that the power of music and friendship will iron out any creases in your newly budding relationship. But what sort of music should your soon to be formed band play? The aesthetic seems, you feel, to be perfect for the black/death metal scene.
You begin primly allocating musical roles to each of the shambling corpses in turn. Unfortunately, it seems that the lead guitarist takes offence. Perhaps they consider you a mere poseur, as your lack of mortal wounds and partial decomposition clearly indicate you aren't taking this business as seriously as they are. The corpse in question takes a swipe at you with its right arm. You try to dodge out of the way, but are clipped on the shoulder. The guitarist overbalances and falls on top of you, pinning you to the ground, as your other band members shuffle ever closer.
>>379
Well, this isn't going quite as well as you had hoped. Perhaps a little igneous punishment will put them in their place. Unfortunately, you aren't quite sure how to do pyrokinesis, and this doesn't seem a convenient time to learn.
The guitarist is ineffectually hitting you in the back of the head with his head stump, his cold, dead body still trapping you against the ground. The drummer - despite his right leg being badly mangled - has, meanwhile, crawled his way to you, and is rearing back both hands to strike you. You have no hope of dodging this one.
Behind him, you see a welcome face appear from amidst the foliage. It's Jack! But she's back to wearing a seifuku, rather than a lab coat. She is slightly hunched, and looks hollow-eyed for lack of sleep. There is a severe cut along the side of her face. To your horror, you find she isn't even looking at you; she's distracted by the girl in the wheelchair.
Call out "by the power of Grayskull!"
Duck and tackle the weak-legged zombie's legs, keeping low to the ground.
Extrapolate on a pontifical topic.
Sink into the earth and reappear behind the wheelchair girl
>>381
You must get her attention, your life depends on it! This is too important a situation to use an everyday summons for aid like "help". You must invoke a higher power. Any higher power will do.
You inhale sharply and shout at the top of your lungs, "By the power of Grayskull!" Jack at last notices your plight and, after only a second's hesitation, brandishes her ceremonial stone knife and begins hacking away at the unsuspecting horde. She is truly a sight to behold, dodging swings, spinning about and severing limbs like a murderous whirling dervish. In the midst of this she kicks the guitarist off you, freeing you temporarily.
>>382
Keeping as far out of the way as possible of both your former band members and Jack's knife, you try to do your best to aid the fight. Crouching, you creep around the drummer and grab him by the legs from behind. There is a sickening crunch as you find that his right femur is less solid than you thought. He turns and tries to claw at you, but can't quite reach. You throw all your weight at him, seeking to push him to the ground, but at that moment feel something strike your temple and reflexively let go and try to dodge.
It turns out to have been the severed hand of the lead singer, which simply happened to land on you. You breathe a sigh of relief, before finding that the reanimated corpse you were just trying to incapacitate has now turned and is about to descend upon you. For a moment you are looking right into its cold, unseeing eyes - like those of a blind cave fish - before it is, mercifully, dispatched by your young saviour.
Jack, flecked in blood and breathing heavily, grabs your hand and pulls you away, into the cut in the forest left by Rupert. Looking back, you see a sight of even greater carnage than before - yet the bodies are still writhing and trying to stand and pursue you. You run.
Once out of sight of your aggressors, the two of you stop to catch your breath. Though you were the one who came closer to dying, Jack appears by far the most harrowed of the two of you. She sits on the ground, hugging her legs, shaking slightly, gazing intently at her feet. She is a far cry from the confident, strong willed girl you knew her as.
>>383
Being as you are a good friend and sister to her, you realise that what she truly wants and needs is a suitable distraction, especially a speculative one on matters of papacy. Yes, they don't call you The Pontiff for nothing, after all! You give her a brief overview of the history of the popemobile, and, extending its developments forward, predict the eventual emergence of the popecraft, hoverpopemobile, popemechasuit, popemobilefortress and other such natural progressions in this direction.
Jack looks up at you with dark, sunken eyes, and says "Ariadne... I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I... I've failed my..." She refuses to say any more, and instead buries her head in her hands and curls up in the foetal position. She does not respond to any further vocal prompts.
>>384
You require level three geokinesis and fifty mana to use the teleportation via earth ability.
It is now late morning. From where you are, you could backtrack and rejoin the path to seek the girl in the wheelchair, risking again the wrath of the undead, or you could follow Rupert's tracks onwards into the forest. Either way, you will have to decide what to do about poor Jack, who does not seem in the mood to travel.
Summarize the plot so far.
Exasperate on a Pontic topic
Exfoliate in a pentagonal tropic
Exacerbate a pantheistic torpor
Be Rupert.
Rampage. Rampage.
Be Jack. Check inventory and skills.
Call the pentagon for support
Call a paragon for moral support.
>>386
Alas, your amnesia means you have somewhat lost the plot, so to speak. You have no idea where you are or why you're here, or if there is even a reason for you to be here at all. In terms of your own internal narrative, so far you have woken up - without your memory - in a small dilapidated building in the middle of a rainforest with your father, Aaron, your sister, Jack, and a cat named Theodore. There was a horrible storm in the night, during which Jack vanished.
In the morning, you and Aaron set off to look for her. The two of you ended up being swept away downstream by a flooded river, coming ashore only to find a brontosaurus, of all things. Aaron ran away into the forest, but you, remaining behind, succeeded in taming the beast, whom you named Rupert. You and Rupert spent the night outdoors - a night that you've been trying your very best to forget about.
In the morning, the two of you embarked southwards, coming across a large building complex centred around a hexagonal atrium. Inside, you found Theodore, and the two of you ascended to the roof, where you were stranded for a while. You were rescued by Jack, but were separated from Theodore in the process. You spent the night with her in the depths of the building. She looked and behaved a little different to how you remember her, and even called herself "Conundrum-chan" instead of Jack. Before leaving, she implored you to gather as many people as possible and bring them to a building on the other side of the river.
You set off northwards again, in search of Rupert and others, only to be threatened by a girl in a wheelchair, ambushed by the undead, and rescued once again by Jack. The two of you are currently recuperating from the fight. Jack seems different again from how you remember her, and also rather troubled by something.
>>387
Why won't Jack simply open up to you? Surely that's what sisters are for! Her seclusive behaviour is really quite exasperating, you find - almost as much so as the Black Sea. I mean, why is it called that, when it's quite clearly not black? It's simply not reasonable.
>>388
Judging by the local climate and ecology, it would not be unreasonable to conclude that you're somewhere in the tropics. But who can say? For all you know, you mightn't even be on Earth. You haven't even seen over the horizon; you could be on a pentagonally shaped planet, that just happens to be superficially similar to the Terran tropics.
While preoccupied with such musings, you absent mindedly pick at the nearby foliage, plucking the odd leaf from the plants.
>>389
Is Jack's lethargy perhaps, you wonder, related to trying to personify the universe itself as some sort of deity? Though the idea is appealing, it simply radiates problems - does one then have to attribute every meaningless event to the intentional action of a god? What about the apparent determinism of so much of the inanimate universe? And how do you worship something which you yourself are a part of?
Well, if this is what is troubling her, then it is your duty as a loving sister to rid her of such troublesome beliefs. Though it pains you, you must intentionally worsen her theological angst in order to demonstrate her beliefs' inconsistency. You invite Jack into various philosophical discussions, questioning the true nature of the universe and god, but she makes no meaningful response.
>>390
You cannot play as Rupert; you can only play as members of your current party.
You stomp around in the undergrowth, taking out your frustrations on the defenceless weeds at your feet. You feel slightly better for it.
>>391
You are now playing as Jack Aaronova. The events of last night have left quite an impression on you, and you feel unable to deal with the endless torrent of existence flowing through you just now. More than anything you'd like a good night's sleep, but you know full well your nightmares were bad enough even before they started bleeding into reality.
You currently possess only the tattered seifuku you are wearing and the bloodied stone dagger in your hand. You have level 7 ailuromancy, and thereby have access to the following skills:
In addition to this, you have two unspent skillpoints - left over from christmas, the night before last - and 210 mana.
>>392
The Pentagon 1024SL can't help you. Nobody can help you now.
>>393
You find yourself in desperate need of some moral support. Ariadne is very dear and all, but she's a little socially inept, and, frankly, you don't really trust her awfully much.
You tilt back your head, look up to the sky and call out for someone to come save you - some perfect paragon of justice, integrity and truth; of everything that's right with the world. As if on cue, there is a rustling in the undergrowth to the west, in the direction you came from. You and Ariadne stare in silence, breath held. C-could it be?
No, never mind, it's just the reanimated bits of grunt, which, displaying abominable tenacity, have followed you all the way here. There are various limbs, partial corpses, disembodied heads and such, crawling or rolling towards you in a way equal parts disturbing and comical.
Test yourself to ensure you haven't caught toxoplasmosis from cat exposure.
Ghost tree and kick the undead asses
hold shift for focused movement
Pompously place 2 points into pontification posthaste.
Mumble unintelligibly about the jews.
Loudly demand apology juice.
Oh, excuse me, Ricky. Ricky, I did see what you were doing.
>>396
Those dismembered, bloodthirsty body parts are certainly a threat. But they are the evil you know - you are well aware how dangerous they are, whereas the potential danger of the unknown is unbounded. However dire your current situation, surely it is, on average, better to spend your time anticipating the less obvious perils. Like toxoplasmosis.
As you know, this insidious breed of parasite tries to infiltrate you using cute, unassuming cats as Trojan horses (Trojan cats?) and attacks from within. It is often entirely asymptomatic, but believed by many to subtly affect cognition, increasing likelihood of a plethora of mental disorders. How devious! Really, you decide, this simply must be your first priority.
A cold, clammy, but all too active hand grasps your ankle, while you are busy trying to think back to your last instance of cat exposure. It must've been back at >>277 when you spent the night intimately close to Ariadne and Theodore. Oh no, Ariadne is in danger as well! Does this feline treachery know no bounds‽ You get ready to perform a quick PCR to check, but find that when you weren't looking you've been overwhelmed by partial undead. Each of your limbs is pinned down or otherwise incapacitated, and a severed leg is crushing your windpipe, slowly suffocating you.
Ariadne, avoiding one or two swipes herself, bravely charges in and kicks the offending leg from you, before tripping over herself and disappearing in a mound of quivering flesh. You breathe a sigh of relief, but at that moment a disembodied head leaps in, bites into your neck and tears your throat out. You promptly bleed to death.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 13
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>395)
>>397
You shan't be taken by surprise! You stand up, emptying your mind of distractions in preparation for the oncoming battle. You shall become as intangible to your enemies as a wraith, and as flexible as bamboo. The limbs dumbly throw themselves at you, with no real tactics, and you are able to easily hold them at bay with quick jabs of your knife or kicks of your leg.
They seem to learn, however. They begin to intentionally circumvent you, some targeting Ariadne, others attempting to catch you from behind. Ariadne tries to hold her own, but is hopelessly unskilled in physical combat. You defend her as best you can. For every body part you kick away or split asunder, however, two more come to take its place. This would be a challenge even if you were at your best, but, being as you are, you cannot help but lose heart; there are simply too many asses to kick.
>>398
These defeatist thoughts are will be the death of you. You must focus your movement! With your one free hand, you flip up the back of Ariadne's skirt and grab hold of her shift, eliciting a cute muffled outcry. Ah yes, that's better. Now you can think clearly again.
>>399
Though you are now in a state akin to a martial trance, you are still making little progress in actually defeating your many enemies. Perhaps some supernatural aid is in order, you decide. You try to place two skill points into pontification, but find that the only available skills are aerokinesis, geokinesis, biokinesis, hypnosis, technomancy and ailuromancy.
You are adrift in a roiling sea of groping, murderous flesh. Ariadne seems on the verge of despair. "Jack," she pleads, voice shaking, "T-there's too many of them! We have to run!" At that moment, however, you hear an unfamiliar, somewhat accented man's voice from behind you, say "You two! On the count of three, jump! One... two...three!"
You do as you are told, and see, in that second you are airborne, some strange fractured bolt of electricity burst from the ground where your feet just were. The shock propagates through the ground, through all the reanimated body parts, into the trees and away. With nothing more than a loud bang and a smell of ozone, you are left surrounded by a large pile of twitching bits of grunt.
Take me to Aruanda.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
>>405
The adrenaline is finally wearing off, and the turbid memories of last night are seeping back in from somewhere in the back of your skull. You heave a sigh and let your shoulders drop, safe at last. But for how long? After all, you now have good reason to suspect genuine safety and comfort will be concepts alien to you for the rest of your life. Your only hope lies in the afterlife.
"Please... take me to Aruanda." you implore, well aware of what you are implicitly asking of them. Unfortunately, uncultured swine that they are, they instead just stare at you blankly. "Who's that?" asks Alexei. "Did you mean Ariadne? But she's right here!" adds Aaron. You roll your eyes in exasperation.
>>406
"I think Jack and I sh--" begins Ariadne, a saccharine smile on her face, before you interrupt to tell her not to use your name. Someone so helpless and potentially toxiplosmosis-ridden doesn't have that right. She wavers in uncertainty, then continues "I, um, think we should all go to the white building on the opposite side of the river. It'll be fun!" She tips her head to one side, closes her eyes and smiles innocently.
You acquiesce, for lack of objections or alternative proposals. What does it matter anyway? Ariadne clings to Aaron, you awkwardly hug Alexei, and the four of you blast off to cruising altitude, a few metres over the top of the canopy. From here, you can see that the cut in the rainforest that you had been in was in fact heading towards your former camp, where the ceremonial altar and pyre still stand. There also appears to be a brontosaurus poking its head out from the clearing.
You are headed in the opposite direction entirely, however; directly westwards, across the thick, muddy brown river and towards a small, cuboid white building. There are various odd structures nearby, including a large radar dish and some sort of metal framework construction of indeterminate function. Beyond this, a cragged, heavily forested ridge rises into the endless blue expanse of sky above.
You have only just launched. There might still be time to suggest a change of course, should you happen to have any misapprehensions about your current destination.
Quietly sing the chorus of Be A Big Fat Butt.
Arrange the inanimate objects in the scenery into a chorus and refuse to do anything until you can coax them to sing the entirety of Title.
>>408
You try to put aside the sight of the ground flying by beneath you and the sound of the wind in your ears, and concentrate on what is to be done now. And yet - damn it all! - you simply cannot get that song out of your head. Indeed, the thought of punching the very idea of luck in an ambiguously vulgar manner appeals to you personally quite well, considering how fate has treated you recently.
You sing those three lines to yourself, thinking all along how much of a better singer you are than those two amateurs. Alexei hears you and smirks to himself.
>>409
The trees, the hills, the water, the sky, and the buildings - even inanimate objects like these would make better singers than that disastrous duet. Your spite and stubbornness coalesce into a cast iron mass of will. You shall do nothing until your inorganic choir sings for you the entirety of Title, one of the most challenging pieces any chorus could face.
You land by the white building uneventfully. Your companions come and go, but you pay them no mind. Hours pass. The sun sets, and you are left simply standing there in the dark, staring up at the ridge. You try to contrive the sound of the wind in the leaves into the opening line "A long, long time ago I can still remember..." but it simply isn't there.
Days pass. The sun rises, then sets, rises, sets, and so on. Sunshine, rain, hail all fall upon you unnoticed. Still, the hills will not sing for you.
Weeks pass. Animals come and go from the forest. Plants emerge from the ground and reclaim the manmade structures nearby. Still, the hills will not sing for you.
Years pass. Seedlings grow into saplings, become trees, flower, bear fruit, fall to the ground and rot away before your eyes. The wind and rain slowly wear down everything that doesn't grow back. Still, the hills will not sing for you.
Millennia pass. Occasionally the valley is swept clean by glaciers as ice ages come and go. The forests expand and retreat with the climate, a breaking wave of greenery. Newly evolved creatures you do not recognise become the norm, constantly being replaced by creatures less familiar still. The river changes path, and the ridge changes shape. Still, the hills will not sing for you.
Time passes. The sun turns red and expands into a bloated mass filling half the sky. Nothing is left but empty rocks and empty sky and you. The sun, once so bright and warm, quietly dies and shrivels up. The stars in the sky continue to burst into and out of life, until, eventually, none are left. The trees, the hills, everything has long turned to ash and dust and blown away in the wind - and then the wind, the water, the sky have silently ceased to be. You are alone, perfectly alone, in the eternal darkness. The universe has ended without you.
You feel something shake your shoulder. It has been so long since you felt anything that the sensation is a shock to you, and you aren't quite sure how to respond. The shaking comes again, and a voice - one you could swear you've heard before, though the memory has died just like everything else - calls out a word, over and over again. Eventually you realise it is your name.
You wake up. The sunlight is blinding. Ariadne is standing before you, saying "Wake up, sleepyhead! We're here. Looks like you must've fallen asleep on the way." With great effort, you get to your feet and look around.
You are standing in a grassy clearing. To the west is an abnormally immaculate white building. There are no windows, but there is a closed door. To the north is a crater, about three metres in diameter. It appears recent. You can find no other signs of battle, but there are one or two burnt scraps of paper stuck in the nearby foliage. Further to the north is a large radar dish, slowly being choked by vines. To the southwest, hidden in the trees, is that metal structure you saw earlier. It is probably one or two hundred metres away.
Aaron and Alexei appear to be preparing to leave again. Ariadne is wandering over towards the door of the building, about to knock.
Kiss Aaron and Alexei goodbye. Then open the door because love is an open door!
Be Aaron: Become a plastic bag, and float in the wind.
>>411
You have the odd feeling that you shan't be seeing these two gentlemen again for a while. Or perhaps it's that your recent vision has reinstilled your awareness of human mortality and the fleeting nature of life. Or maybe you just like them more than you want to admit to yourself. Whatever the reason, you go over and kiss each lightly on the cheek. They seem to genuinely appreciate it. You then rush off to aid Ariadne in her exploits.
Love is an opportunity, a way towards a better life, if you only have the will to abandon everything else and throw yourself into it. You have, in the past, had great difficulty expressing your affection, and squaring your feelings with your duty as a high priestess and conduit of unspeakable dark gods. Now, however, you have little left to lose, and everything to gain. A little personal bonding with Ariadne will do you both the world of good, you're sure.
Just as Ariadne's fist is about to rap against the door, it swings ajar and a figure emerges from the ambiguous teal coloured corridor within. It is you. Or, rather, somebody who looks just like you, but is not you. She steps out confidently, wearing a pure white labcoat. Ariadne's eyes light up and she immediately rushes forward and hugs the other you about the midriff, exclaiming "Conundrum-chan! Look! I brought all my friends. What now?"
"Ah, if it isn't the Pontiff!" not-you replies. "Now listen to me, Cass-- I mean, Ariadne. I need you to underst--"
"Murderer!" Alexei shouts viciously, spitting on the ground at his feet. "I call you a child of the night and will slay you where you stand!" Not-you turns to face him and says, with a mischievous smirk, "Well met, Alexei. I've been looking forward to this. Are you ready to see Jacqueline again?"
>>412
You are now playing as Aaron Aaronovitch Aaronov.
Being a staunch pacifist, and wanting nothing more than the safety of your adoptive daughters and your singing partner, you will have no part in this futile battle. You almost suggest sitting down and talking it through, but fear that would only exacerbate the already tense situation. In fact, you find yourself in dire need of a calming jetpack ride to soothe your nerves. Alexei shouts something about giving him the device - ah, now that he mentions it, you're still holding it, aren't you? - but you are distracted by the soft, lulling sensation of floating on the breeze, light as a discarded plastic bag.
Alexei launches his own jetpack, heading towards you to take the device himself. He makes it about two metres off the ground before a fireball - some thirty centimetres in diameter, coming from the direction of the Jack in the labcoat - strikes him from behind, igniting the fuel tanks and enveloping him in a blast of flame. You hold the perfect vantage point to watch his sudden demise. Like a flashbulb, the entire scene is burned into your memory.
On the ground, the Jack in the labcoat is staring, eyes narrowed, mouth half open in a look of concentration and sick enjoyment. The other Jack is facing away, looking at her doppelgänger. Ariadne is running towards Alexei, arm extended, mouth agape, ready to - to do what, exactly? But the image that stays with you is the look on Alexei's face: that of anger. His teeth are gritted, his face contorted and wrinkled, and his eyes are piercing straight into you. Behind him, an incandescent wreath of flame is already growing.
The next moment he is gone, enveloped in the chaotic bloom of an explosion. There is a flash of light, a waft of hot air - like being next to a furnace, even from your distance - and a deafening roar, and then it is over. Over the course of the next few seconds a few small pieces of flaming wreckage arc their way back to earth, and the air slowly clears of all the noise and smoke and heat.
All three of you surviving look at the Jack in the labcoat in shock. She sighs, spreads her arms in mock deference and says, simply, "Well, I suppose I owe you an explanation."
genuflect
Make an inquiry as to what the next step in her master plan might be.
Spinebuster Title
Be Jack. Summon a cat.
Call the cat Jimmy Sphincter.
Be Jimmy.
Shit on the carpet.
>>414
Suddenly aware of how temptingly flammable the apparatus on your back is, you decide it may be prudent to keep on the good side of the pyromaniac. You cut short your plastic bag imitation, return to land and bow before your new mistress. Your two daughters appear still to be stunned into inaction. Labcoat Jack, meanwhile, is looking down at you with a cruel smile on her face. You bow deeper, unable to meet her gaze.
>>415
You begin grovelling for your life, praying that she spare your miserable existence so you may serve her ends - whatever that may entail. Ariadne manages to stammer out "You... you killed him..." Labcoat Jack spins around on one foot, garments whirling outwards, and turns to face her. She laughs, a high pitched tinkling sort of laugh, and says "I don't know what you're complaining about; it was your idea in the first place!" Ariadne looks on the verge of tears. You don't dare get up.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's true though! And trust me, none of you have any idea who that man was, or what he did. You and I" - she looks at Ariadne - "Were nobly bringing him and his accomplices to justice. There's only one more still on the loose - I haven't even seen her, although I know she's here somewhere. She's a girl about my age, slightly undead, and probably with badly injured legs. She's a lot more dangerous than she looks. Ariadne, this was your idea in the first place; Jack, you're literally me; and that simpleton over there has already pledged his life to my service, so I assume we're all in agreement on tracking her down and killing her."
>>416
You grab the We seem to have lost contact with the Control Tower [Grinding Noises][Part II] (418) squarely by the parentheses, jump in the air and bring it down as hard as you can, attempting to bust its spine or closest equivalent. The title collides with the first lines of >>1, which split asunder, spilling letters and punctuation everywhere. The destruction cascades down the entire thread, sentences breaking down into disjointed words, then to only characters, then grinding away with a deafening collective groan and crash into mere pixelated dust. Your entire reality has fallen apart to nothing. You have destroyed the very fabric of your own existence. You are left to wander the infinite empty white expanse that lies between the lines until you quietly cease to be.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 14
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>419)
>>417
You are now playing as Jack Aaronova.
You spend 100 mana, leaving 110 remaining, on summoning a feline companion from the interdimensional portal between your legs. The others appear somewhat taken aback at this turn of events. Labcoat Jack in particular mutters something under her breath, averts her eyes from your crotch area and hides behind Ariadne. A second or two later, however, a beautiful Bengal cat, with sleek, spotted fur, pads out from under your skirt and says hello to its new world.
>>418
What a pretentious looking cat! You'd better call it something stupid and humiliating to balance it out.
You are now playing as Jimmy Sphincter.
You aren't sure where you are or how you came to be called "Jimmy", especially given that you're a girl. You cannot locate any carpets in your vicinity, and, having only just come into existence, your bowels are empty anyway. Without warning, you are beset upon by a young girl in a lilac dress, who grabs you, pets you and rubs her face in your fur, all the while expounding how you're "just precious" and such. You quite like all the fuss and attention, even if you'd never stoop so low as to admit it.
Then, you see him. That man, across the clearing from you, cowering in subservience before a girl dressed in white - you instantly hate him. In fact, hate doesn't even begin to cover it. Your antipathy towards him transcends the idea of mere emotional or logical response to stimuli. He is your very antithesis. His presence alone is proof that no omnibenevolent, omniscient and omnipotent god exists. You must destroy him, right now.
Complain that there are penises everywhere.
Be Jack. Pretend to go along with our clone's plan, while secretly plotting her demise.
>>420
Not only is that man the most monumental membrum virile you've ever seen, but all these other humans are - rather than tearing out his throat with their teeth - simply dangling around in a flaccid, phallic manner. You voice your displeasure with your companions whilst redoubling your efforts to escape the girl in lilac's smothering embrace and annihilate your nemesis.
>>421
You are now playing as Jack Aaronova.
Through your Feline communication (passive skill), you have just overheard Jimmy meowing something about male genitalia, which has rather derailed your train of thought. With effort, you return to the topic at hand - your clone's plan. You approach your - actually, is she your clone? Or an identical twin? Or is she some sort of shapeshifter that has assumed your form or something ridiculous like that? Well, whoever she is, she's clearly extremely dangerous and you should try your best to appear inoffensive towards her. Keep your enemies close, and all that.
You take a deep breath and prepare your subservient façade, all the while fantasising about sinking your favourite ceremonial stone dagger into her traitorous flesh. Just as you open your mouth, however, a loud metallic banging sound, as of something large falling over, emanates from the entrance to the white building. Your clone(?) drops what she's doing and sprints inside, slamming the door behind her. The door bounces off the doorjamb and is left slightly ajar. You can see inside nothing but a tantalising patch of teal wallpaper and ceiling. In the confusion, Jimmy escapes and begins to scamper towards Aaron.
If you are to go through with the plan that has been laid out, you should probably make your way back across the river, which may be challenging considering you have only one jetpack between the three (or four, including Jimmy) of you. At the same time, it's a little past midday, so you've enough time before nightfall to afford a little exploration of the local area as well. Or, of course, you could investigate what event indoors has attracted the other Jack's attention with such urgency.
Pretend to plot our clone's demise, while secretly going along with her plan.
>>423
You wait a moment, then place an arm around Ariadne's shoulders and whisper conspiratorially in her ear. "I don't think we should trust her. She's a murderous, dangerous brute, so we have to kill her to show that we're not like her. Are you with me?" You casually ignore the various calls for help in the background as Jimmy's claws become acquainted with Aaron's shins.
Poor Ariadne is clearly still quite bewildered and overwhelmed by recent events, and appears also to have some misguided ideas about "pacifism" and "talking things through". With some effort, you convince Ariadne to help bring your clone's comeuppance upon her, and also that she should go first into the building to search for her, and that you're right behind her, and so on.
She cautiously pushes open the door to reveal a bare corridor leading ahead a few metres, with one door each to the left and right, ending at a spiral staircase leading straight down. There is a small blackened cuboid object on the floor. Turning around, you see that Aaron appears to be making use of his jetpack and is hovering a metre or so above the ground, out of reach of Jimmy.
You'd like to secretly go along with the plan, but precisely what you should do next is not readily obvious.
gaynus
yeah
say "titty sprinkles"
Be Ariadne. Take the cuboid object and throw it at Jimmy.
Go down down down down down
>>425
You aren't sure how to do that.
>>426
You agree ambiguously. To what, you're not quite sure.
>>427
"Tight osprey ankles." you say.
>>428
You are now playing as Ariadne Aaronova.
You pick up the little black object from the floor. It appears to have been damaged by high temperature, and recently - it's still warm. The longest sides are rougher than the other surfaces, as though they had some texture which has been melted into oblivion. You cannot even guess what it was supposed to be.
At any rate, you decide, you must mediate this altercation outside. Really, why can't Aaron and catkind simply get along? It's so frustrating! You hurl the mysterious object into the fray. It misses Jimmy and instead strikes Aaron in the right foot. He flinches and yells out something incoherent, at the same time dropping that odd white device he used earlier to dispose of those troublesome undead grunt bits. Jack dives in and catches it, points it at Aaron and demands that he relinquish his jetpack. He submits, returns to the ground and is again viciously attacked by Jimmy. Jack straps the jetpack on, launches away and traces a long trajectory off back across the river, without so much as a backwards glance.
>>429
She left you behind! You feel quite betrayed. Your mood goes down, down, down, down, down. Dragging your feet despondently, you head inside and begin to descend the spiral staircase into whatever dark, chthonic realm lies below. Moments later, Jimmy joins you, carrying that small black object in his mouth. The two of you make your way downwards in silence, one step at a time. The staircase continues for a very long time - it is at least five minutes before you reach the bottom.
Upon rounding the last corner you suddenly find yourself in a large open cavern, roughly fifty metres by fifty metres by three metres. It appears to have been formed from two parallel extinct lava tubes, with the intervening space bored out, and the floor and ceiling levelled off to a uniform height. Fluorescent strip lighting suspended from above illuminates row upon row of odd rectangular pods, each the size of a small bed, and each with a rounded cover of frosted glass.
"Would you believe, when I got here they were all empty?" asks a familiar voice. You whip around to find labcoat Jack standing beside you, having just emerged from a door to the left. "They're bodies for generating clones, in case it wasn't obvious. This is the little project I've been working on. Oh, and just in case you had an silly ideas about cloning that sorry bastard I blew up earlier, I already deleted his entry from the database, along with any others besides myself and the default "grunt" model. Anyway, is there anything I can help you with, oh partner in crime? Shouldn't you be out looking for Con-- for that girl?"
You are on a small metal walkway above the southern edge of the room. Behind you is the staircase leading back to the surface. To your left, two metal doors are set into the wall. One, from which Jack just emerged, is open, revealing a room containing a desk, computer, chair, and various shelves and boxes of miscellaneous spelunking equipment. The other door is closed and locked with a large padlock. There are four large, unlit tunnels leading out of the cavern; two to the north, sloping uphill, and two to the south, sloping downhill.
pause game
open settings menu
change interface language to ancient Macedonian
attempt to (ab)use the cloning apparatus to create a race of orcs for unscrupulous purposes
Explain that we came to ask labcoat Jack for a jetpack.
Explain that we came to pack asscoat lack for a pet Jack.
skube
Kiss cube lovingly.
Tell Jack that you want to give her love as large as Brontosaurus.
>>431
You aren't aware of any games you're playing, or how you would go about pausing such a thing, but you suppose you could always try ἄƒÐƒÎƒÇƒÉƒÍς ἀƒÏƒÈόƒË ἀƒÈƒÏƒÍƒÒƒËƒÍί ƒÂƒ¿ƒËῶƒË, ƒÈἄ ἨƒÊƒ¿ƒÆίƒ¿ ἰƒÄέƒÉƒ¿ ƒÉƒÃίƒÀƒÅƒÆƒÏƒÍƒË. ƒ¦ƒ¿ῦƒÉƒÍς ƒÂƒ¿ίƒÑƒ¿ς ƒÁῶƒÕ; ƒÈἄ ƒÎƒ¿ƒÏƒ¿ός ƒÈάƒÏƒ¿ƒÀƒÍς ἀƒÏƒÈόƒË ἐƒÎƒÇƒÂƒÃƒÇƒÎƒËίς. ƒ¤ƒÃƒÇƒÏƒÅƒËίς ἀƒÈƒÏέƒ¿ ƒÁƒÒƒÉƒÉάς ἄƒÏƒÁƒÃƒÉƒÉƒ¿ ἰƒË ƒÂέᾳ - ƒÂƒÏῆƒÃς‽ ƒ¢ƒ¿ƒËῶƒË! ƒ¤ƒÃƒÇƒÏƒÅƒËίς ƒÂƒ¿ƒËῶƒË! ἌƒÍƒÏƒÑής ƒÐίƒÁƒÒƒËƒÍς ἀƒÈόƒËƒÑƒÇƒÍƒË ƒÁάƒÏƒÈƒ¿ ƒÁƒÍƒÑάƒË ƒÂώƒÏƒ¿ƒÌ "ἰƒÄέƒÉƒ¿," ƒÎƒ¿ƒÏƒ¿ός ƒÊƒ¿ƒÑƒÑύƒÅς.
ƒ ίῤῥƒÍƒÌ ƒÁόƒÉƒ¿
ƒ¢άƒËƒÍς: 15
(ƒ©ƒÃίƒÀƒÅƒÆƒÏƒÍƒË ƒÈἄ ῥƒÍῦƒÑƒÍ ἄƒÂƒÂƒÃƒÃ ƒÉƒ¿ίƒÀƒ¿ ƒÈƒÍῖƒÍς: >>430)
>>432
Suppressing an evil laugh, you slip into the side office and begin meddling with the computer, attempting to twist the facilities to your own nefarious ends. Unfortunately, you find that there is an absurd number of variables, most of them quite ambiguously labelled, and the interface usability leaves something to be desired. Where... where is the orc setting? There must be one, surely?
Jack's raven-like face appears over your shoulder. "And what might you be up to?" she inquires with mock innocence.
>>433
She's onto you! Quick, evasive manoeuvres! "A-actually, I was going to ask you for a jetpack, you know, for, um, flying with, you know." You aren't the best of liars. "...And you thought you might find one in the cloning console?" she continues, one eyebrow raised.
>>434
"Um, um, I was going to... there's a lack of, um, a-asscoats, and I... you... my pet?" What are you talking about any more? Jack leans back, cocks her head and stares at you, clearly trying to work out what you just said. A long, painful silence passes. You are pinned down by her scrutinising gaze, afraid even to breathe.
>>435
You break out in a cold sweat. This is your last chance. You just have to say something - anything - to redeem yourself, and persuade Jack that you weren't really trying to commandeer the cloning apparatus.
"Skube," you say.
>>436
"...Ariadne, are you feeling alright?" she says at last. Having decided that vocal communication is simply not for you, you instead decide to try your luck with interpretive dance. You hop over to one of the smaller crates, pluck it from the shelf and smooch it for all you're worth.
>>437
Upon reflection, you decide to give speech one last chance, as there's something very important you have to say. "Jack, I... I love you! Even more than that box I just kissed! In fact, if my love were expressed as a physical object, it'd be at least as big as Rupert!"
Jack steps back in shock, and puts her hands to her mouth. "Ariadne, I... I love you too! I've always loved you! Oh, I'm so glad!" Tears of joy streaming down her cheeks, she rushes forwards, takes you in her arms and kisses you on the lips dramatically. You are caught up in the moment, lost to the sensation of her lips against yours, of her arms around your back, and of her whole body pressed against you. After a few precious moments, the two of you at last part, still gazing lovingly into one another's eyes.
There is a noise outside. It is faint, heavily distorted by the echoing of the tunnels, but sounds like a human voice, or several voices. It seems to be coming from one of the northward tunnels, but you can't tell for certain. It is getting closer. You whisper to Jack, who is still clinging to you, "What is that?"
"I don't know." she whispers back.
Quick! Assume battle positions ASAP! Stay frosty! Stay frosty!
Ask Jack to clone babies from a mix of our DNA.
Do lewd yuri stuff with Jack
Destroy the cloning apparatus. If I can't have my nefarious orcish GMOs, no one shall!
Protest that every being created by the apparatus should carry a GMO sticker with them.
What did you expect, a gold star for being a Jew?
>>439
Oh no! A fight is imminent! You wriggle free from Jack's embrace and take up position crouching by the door, peeking through a crack into the main chamber. It remains empty, but the echo of voices grows ever louder. At last, you begin to be able to make out words: "...together... try them on to see." The curious message is chanted with immense gravity. On "see", the voices suddenly stop. At the same time, you see a slight movement out of the corner of your eye coming from the northwest tunnel. You're sure it was too small and fast to be human.
>>440
You take Jack's hand in your own, and say to her "Jack, I... I think we should clone b--" "Of course!" she interjects explosively "We should clone some throwaway grunts and spring them on the intruders as an ambush! Good thinking, Ariadne." Happy as you are to be praised thus, that wasn't quite what you meant. You begin some weak objection, but Jack is already busily tapping away at the console.
>>441
That kiss earlier awakened an odd desire within you. You feel like you want to touch and be touched by Jack more. You reach out to her, but stop short of contact. The ten centimetre space between your hand and her shoulder seems to expand into an insurmountable gulf, and you feel all the weight of thousands of years of heteronormativity and sexual taboos wrench your hand back down to your side.
It... it really is abnormal, for a girl to like another girl, isn't it? And besides, do you really love her, or did you just say that to distract her from you meddling with the console? You feel strangely angry at yourself for being unable to properly understand your own feelings. But, you remind yourself, time heals all things; perhaps, when you have grown as a person a little more, you'll be able to properly love Jack, in mind and in body.
>>442
Jack, quite oblivious to what has just transpired behind her back, smacks the return key triumphantly and whispers "There! That should give them a surprise." You wait for her to get up and go to the door, then, without warning, externalise your internal conflict, taking it out on the poor, defenceless little computer. You pull the cables from the wall as hard as you can, and punch the side of the monitor (to little effect). The screen goes blank, but you haven't yet done any permanent damage when Jack grabs your arms and pulls you away.
"Ariadne!" she hisses into your ear, "What are you doing? You'll give away our position!" You manage to stammer out "I-it's your fault! B-baka!" She is quiet a moment, apparently reconsidering her actions, before asking cautiously, "What's my fault?"
>>443
"Y-you should've made it obvious that they were clones! With stickers!" Jack laughs and releases you, apparently passing it off as a joke. You decide it best to quit while you're ahead.
>>444
You ask yourself whether or not you were expecting a gold star, either metaphorically or literally. You're find that you were not.
Looking again through the crack in the door, you see that five of the pods near the north wall have peeled open, each disgorging a single man wearing grey combat armour. They mill about in a loose group, looking around expectantly. Then, a row of grunts files in from the opening to the northwest tunnel. These grunts are different; rather than combat armour, they wear off-white jumpsuits, many with mudstains. Each wields a makeshift wooden quarterstaff, with the exception of the one in the lead, who is wearing a headdress composed of various red feathers and flowers. He is holding what looks like a pile of leaves in one hand.
He approaches the newborn grunts and addresses them in an authoritative manner: "I am the voice of the High Priest of the Schismatics. You will join us or be slain where you stand." They look at one another uncertainly, bow their heads and join the back of the procession. With a single gesture from the lead grunt, the entire group then spreads out and begins investigating the room.
Jimmy, who, until now, was contentedly sitting under the desk, slips through the crack in the door and into the room. By the time you notice she is already out of hand's reach. Unless you do something, she might be in danger - or might endanger you and Jack by revealing your position.
Be Jimmy.
Seduce the High Priest with cute mewing.
Rustle somebody's jimmies.
>>447
You require Cat possession (passive skill) to play as Jimmy.
You feel a lump form in your stomach as you realise that not only your life, but Jack's too depends on what you do right now. It is times like these - when an individual's moral fibre is strained - that one discovers what one is truly capable of. Thinking quickly, you decide you must leave your shelter and confront those outside directly, so as to maintain the initiative. You cannot possibly hope to fight them; rather, you shall have to employ your womanly wiles and thereby placate them.
Without a word, you harden your resolve, push the door open and crawl into the room on all fours. You follow Jimmy (who, coincidentally, also seems to be heading for the grunt with the headdress) and successfully manage to bypass the roving minions, reaching the leader unnoticed. On closer inspection, you find he is holding a square of plaited grass covered in leaves. Its purpose isn't obvious.
You approach him from behind and nuzzle his leg, making a cute "nyaa" noise. He yelps in surprise, jumps away and spins around, back against of the clone pods. You kneel, lift one hand curled in the shape of a paw, and meow encouragingly. He furrows his brow and begins to say something, when, suddenly, his face goes blank. He stares vacantly at a spot vaguely behind you, then looks back and says "...Lady Ariadne. We have been looking for you. Please follow me." He bows to you reverently. This wasn't quite the response you were aiming for, but it'll do.
>>448
You find Jimmy lurking just behind you. Whose is she, anyway? I mean, she must be somebody's Jimmy. Does she belong to the other Jack, considering that's whose nether regions she inexplicably emerged from? Is she a stray? Who knows. You go ahead and rustle her coat a little with some vigorous stroking. She arcs her back in pleasure.
The leader and his entourage reconvene and begin to march back towards the northwest tunnel from which they came. You risk a glance backwards, to see the door in the south wall still slightly ajar. You can just make out a sliver of Jack's face on the other side. Your plan has succeeded; Jack is safe - but at what cost? You stare into the impenetrable darkness into which the procession is heading, thick and incorporeal as smoke. Should you really follow them? Or should you just make a run for it while you still can? Should you try to bring Jack with you, or leave her behind? And what of Jimmy? You had best decide quickly.
Follow them regally, carrying Jimmy.
be 200% nigga
Cartwheel down the hall!
kill all women
Summon the Gay Niggers from Outer Space to assist.
Become a Gay Nigger and go to space
Don't wear a space helmet. Space helmets are for lame ass honkeys.
Try to play the old "golf ball in the airhose" trick.
>>450
With only a little cajoling, you gather Jimmy into your arms and follow the line of grunts into the darkness. You walk in as stately a manner as you can muster for several minutes, accompanied only by the steady crunch of feet on volcanic glass. The tunnel winds gently downwards and to the right. The air slowly grows warmer, and you catch wafts of a rather unpleasant smell.
>>451
It's rather hard to properly intimidate people when you're just a little girl. Yes, that's it, you think to yourself, you just need to be 200% bigger! Any larger than that and you might bump your head in these underground passages. You look around for a cake marked "EAT ME" - which is the obvious way for any girl in your position to become bigger - without success.
>>452
All this solemn marching is rather offputting, you find. A nice display of acrobatics ought to lighten your mood, and, best of all, in the darkness, the rest of them will never even know! You extend all your limbs and begin to revolve along your merry way. Whoops! You forgot you were carrying Jimmy for a moment there. She is launched from your grip, screeching in alarm before colliding with something with a thump - probably the grunt ahead of you. You immediately hear her claws skittering against the floor, so she doesn't seem to have suffered any serious injury.
>>453
You stop mid-cartwheel, consumed by the immediate and overwhelming desire to commit complete femicide. And where better to start than the nearest woman; namely, yourself? You stick out your tongue and bite down as hard as you can, severing most of it. Ignoring the pain and taste of blood, you tip your head back and take a deep breath, lodging your severed tongue squarely in the top of your trachea. You silently collapse to the ground, unable even to gasp, before death finally claims you.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 16
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>458)
>>454
Useful allies as they would no doubt be, you have no clue how you'd go about summoning them. Besides, you suspect they'd respond better to one of their terrestrial kin, whereas you are precisely what they have come to destroy.
>>455,456
Ah, the transcendental beauty of the extraterrestrial; the multitudinous clusters of stars, the music of the spheres, the infinite, all consuming empty void lying between every tiny fleck of matter... yes, you decide, the subterranean life is not for you after all. You simply must go see space for yourself, without even the merest layer of glass between you and it.
But first you must become a grave robber. Only then can you join the other grave robbers from outer space as one of them. Also, you'd probably have to find some way of escaping the Earth's gravity well, but that's a secondary concern.
>>457
You lack both the golf ball and airhose components of that particular parlour trick. Unless you were to improvise using your own windpipe and a suitable severed body part, but that seems rather macabre and horrible, really.
There is light at the end of the tunnel! An ominous reddish light, along with the sound of bubbling and the smell of sulphur. You round the last corner, finding yourself in an inflationary cave. It is shaped like a bubble, tilted to one side, with the lower portion flooded with magma. There is a raised section of floor in the centre of the cave, where the lead grunt is standing. Above him is a small metal lift, little larger than a dumbwaiter, currently ascending into a square hole in the ceiling. The odd square foliage thing he was carrying is on top, along with something else you cannot identify due to it being lit only from below.
One of the generic grunts comes forward and lies down on the raised section of cavern floor. You cautiously approach, unsure quite what's going on. The lead grunt addresses you: "The honour of conducting tonight's Christmas has been bestowed upon you. Please, do not hesitate." Christmas? What is he talking about? You look around at the nearby grunts, then down at the man at your feet. What are you supposed to do?
spinebuster the first living thing we see
Ask the grunt for a ceremonial stone knife.
Lick everybody's lips
Be the little girl
>>459
You look at the grunt on the floor. He stares at the ceiling, but his eyes flick uncertainly to your face once or twice as well. Suddenly, you know exactly what you must do. You grab him by the armpits and heave him unsteadily to his feet. He looks around uncertainly, and the grunt with the headdress is just beginning to suggest that forgiveness isn't really in the Christmas spirit, when you grab the grunt about the waist, try to launch him into the air (he's heavier than he looks!) and throw him, spine first, onto the hard cavern floor. He gasps, badly winded. You find yourself smiling with satisfaction.
>>460
You turn to the grunt with the red diadem and politely request a knife - perhaps of a ceremonial nature, perhaps even made of stone. He raises one eyebrow and says that sort of thing isn't usually necessary, but he'll see what he can do. Meanwhile, the little metal lift steadily descends back down from the hole in the ceiling, trailing cables from each corner. The plaited square of foliage is still there. He gets on, and the lift once again ascends into the darkness above.
>>461
He's gone! Now's your chance - you can make a run for it back to your beloved Jack, or attempt to usurp the high priest's control of this supposed church, or try to convince the grunts gathered here to go for a swim in the magma, or... oh, the possibilities are endless! You fail to suppress a mischievous little giggle.
But first, you have to prevent anything getting back to the high priest. You must seal everyone's lips. With your tongue, naturally. You skip from one grunt to the next, standing on your tiptoes, grabbing their cheeks in both hands and giving each of their mouths a good lick. They look terrified. One of them, when you get to him, covers his mouth with one hand, wails piteously and bolts into the tunnel from which you just came.
This seems to be a catalyst, as two more follow suit and one collapses to the floor, curled up and sucking his thumb. There are twelve grunts remaining, all of whom appear very distressed. You make encouraging, placating noises, to little effect.
>>462
What are you now? Are you a priestess? Or a pontiff? You can only continue playing things by ear for so long; sooner or later you're going to have to decide what you are to be. For now, however, you decide to keep things simple: you are simply a little girl. There is no need to complicate things any further than that.
While the cat's away the mice will play, but the lead grunt will probably be back before long, and with him your obligation to celebrate christmas.
Rip open the grunt on the floor, pull out his innards and hide in his carcass.
get on the floor and walk the dinosaur
>>464
Look at them, all afraid of nothing - well, you'll give them something to be afraid of! "Ufufufu!" you chuckle to yourself. After a brief scan of the area, you find a conveniently shaped flake of obsidian, and, brandishing it, return to the grunt on the floor. With a flourish, you plunge it into his abdomen. He gasps in pain, but before he can draw enough breath to scream, you lever it under his sternum and pull up as hard as you can. It slips off to one side, displaces two ribs and traces a jagged gash up most of his chest. Mercifully, he passes out.
You continue hacking away, gutting him like an animal. You find it altogether quite satisfying once you get into it. Once the ribs are out of the way, you begin tearing out his viscera and throwing it aside. The other grunts are, by this point, all reduced to gibbering wrecks. The grunt you are working on soon enough passes away, granting you one skill point and fifty mana.
Unfortunately, you find that his thoracic cavity is not nearly spacious enough to accommodate you. You are just considering skinning the corpse and wearing the skin over your own when you are interrupted by the lift in the centre of the cave descending. It's the grunt with the red headdress again.
>>465
Dammit, if only you had a little more time, you could've dressed up as the grunt and fooled him into thinking you'd turned into someone else! Perhaps you still can - these grunts aren't the brightest of creatures, after all - by imitating... imitating... that's it! You get on all fours in the most Rupert-ish posture you can muster and plod around, seeking some greenery to masticate. Just like the genuine article.
"Lady Ariadne," begins the grunt, without batting an eyelid, "I am very sorry. Firstly, I was unable to procure for you a ceremonial stone knife. Secondly, an urgent church matter has arisen. I must lead the congregation to the site right away. As for you... the High Priest wishes to speak with you." He gestures to the lift.
You pause where you are, uncertain as to what to do. Taking your inaction for confusion, the grunt clarifies: "I am not the High Priest. I am only His voice; His conduit to the congregation. Now, please, it would not do to keep Him waiting."
The grunts all exit back into the lava tube, chanting something low and incomprehensible, leaving you and Jimmy behind. You look up at the dark shaft in the ceiling, into which the lift will ascend. The high priest, indeed! What could he possibly want with you? Perhaps for you to join his congregation? And, if you do go see him, is there perchance anything you want to ask of him?
Go see the High Priest and ask him for some drugs so we can get high too.
Wait who are we again?
>>467
With only a little trepidation, you board the lift, accompanied by Jimmy. It ascends silently on well oiled pulleys, up through the hole in the ceiling and several metres beyond. The lift comes to a stop in complete darkness. It feels cool, and a faint breeze is coming from the North. Before you can fully orient yourself a deep, rough voice speaks - not out loud, but directly inside your head.
"It is a pleasure to meet you again, Ariadne." it says. You are quite certain you've never heard this voice before. "I am the High Priest of the Schismatics. I must thank you for conducting tonight's christmas. I trust everything went to plan, and you didn't do anything silly like fail to dedicate the sacrifice to our god, or anything like that." The voice chuckles to itself.
"These are exciting times for our church. We have recently located one of the two artifacts sacred to our faith: an engraved ceremonial altar, used for christmases past. The congregation has just been sent out to reacquire it. Meanwhile, I would like for you to locate and retrieve the other artifact: a certain ceremonial stone dagger. It was last seen in the possession of the fallen high priestess - I believe you know her?" the voice suggests. "Naturally, you will be amply rewarded for your work."
You take the opportunity to request some sort of narcotics by way of reimbursement. "A budding lotophage, are you? Of course, I can provide you the sweet oblivion you seek." replies the high priest.
>>468
You are currently playing as Ariadne Aaronova - also known as the Pontiff - an enigmatic young amnesiac with a love of all things cute. You are the foster daughter of Aaron Aaronovitch Aaronov (a well intentioned but cowardly and incompetent gentleman), foster sister of Jack Aaronova (a violent cutthroat high priestess with an unexpected gentle side) and lover of Jack Conundrum-chan (a mysterious girl with an equally mysterious agenda). You are also well acquainted with the cats Theodore (a male tortoiseshell) and Jimmy Sphincter (a female Bengal cat).
You currently have in your inventory an ornate frilly lilac dress (somewhat bloodstained) and a small shard of obsidian. You have one unspent skillpoint and fifty mana.
The high priest, apparently considering the matter closed, bids you farewell and you feel yourself silently descend back down again. You take a deep breath and are just about to begin thinking about your immediate future when you arrive back in the cave. You are more than a little surprised to find that the grunt you disembowelled earlier is upright and walking, entrails still trailing loosely from its abdomen. The corpse is at the tunnel mouth, shuffling forwards, when suddenly its head whips around to face you. You are caught in its glassy, vacant gaze as it turns and begins to lumber towards you.
It is only around three metres away, and is blocking the way out to the tunnel. Around you there is a large pool of magma, a few small stones and a small pile of viscera you removed earlier. The lift is quite static, with no obvious controls. Jimmy is currently cowering by your heels.
punch him in the dick boy
punch him in the dick boy
punch him in the diiiiick
punch him in the diiiiick
Stand at the edge of the magma and taunt the undead grunt to lure him closer. At the last moment run around and push him in!
Remember to put the gained skill point into the God stat to become a GOD.
After which do a silly dance. And kick the priest in the dick.
ladies first
>>470
Well, this simply won't do at all, you decide. The dead are supposed to be dead, after all. You shall have to put this overactive cadaver in its place once and for all. You crouch, wait for it to come within range, then lunge in, delivering a crippling uppercut to the crotch. You follow up with more blows, but the corpse doesn't even flinch. It grabs you by the throat and lifts you clean off the ground. You kick and struggle for all you are worth, to no avail. The world fades away to black.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 17
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>469)
>>471
You retreat as close as you can get to the magma (not that close, actually; it's really rather hot, you know) and dramatically exclaim "Oh, woe is me! I'm just a poor defenceless maiden, trapped here with this vicious monster! There is no hope for me!" It continues to stumble towards you as before. You try to convince yourself that your sweating is just from the heat and your shaking legs are just part of the lure, but lack quite that level of sangfroid.
Once the grunt corpse is close enough, you duck to the left, trying to get behind it and push. It swipes at you in passing, however, grabbing you by the hair. You kick at its feet, successfully overbalancing it, and it falls face first into the magma. You barely manage to avoid being pulled with it, though you lose a little of your hair in the process. There is a loud hissing as the grunt's flesh sinks into the seething molten rock. Its limbs flail around, but you pin its back down with one foot and push it further in. Eventually, it stops moving.
>>472
Unfortunately, it would appear that God is not a valid skill. Your available skills are aerokinesis, geokinesis, biokinesis, hypnosis, technomancy and ailuromancy. Being a god sounds rather bothersome anyway, what with people trying to prove you don't exist and silly things like that. Speaking of silly, you decide to do a little jig on the spot to celebrate overcoming that fearsome opponent. Hooray!
More importantly, that smug little high priest didn't lift a finger to help you! Why, for all you know, it might even have been him who reanimated the corpse! Necessity is the mother of invention, and your need to kick him between the legs provides the seed of ingenuity for you to climb up the lift cables to go find him again.
The space above is as dark and mysterious as before. The high priest does not talk to you this time, but you can hear an odd noise you cannot quite place. It sounds like some sort of low growling or rumbling, but distorted by echoes. You try to explore the area around you, but fail to locate the priest - or anything else for that matter. The space is clearly quite large and seemingly empty.
Your searching is interrupted by a thumping noise. Looking down the lift shaft, you see that your undead friend is back - despite its head being encased in freshly formed basalt - and wants to come say hello. What now, you ask yourself: do you focus on tracking down that elusive priest, or prioritise your own personal safety by eliminating that wretched grunt first?
>>473
Well, naturally, you, as the lady in the situation, take priority. Without hesitation, you jump feet first down the shaft, straight onto the grunt's head. It breaks your fall nicely, collapsing to the cavern floor with a crunch. You hop off its prone body to find Jack Conundrum-chan at the mouth of the cave. She rushes over and embraces you, expounding how glad she is you're safe. She says that Jimmy came to fetch her and led her here - indeed, the feline in question is just behind her.
Even now, the corpse simply won't stay dead. It begins to rise back to its feet before your very eyes.