I'm gay and I'm scared. (35)

1 Name: AliD123 : 2011-12-29 11:59 ID:xWDZFYiC

So...Hi. My name is Emily. I'm 16.
This new girl moved into our neighborhood, and we've been sort of seeing each other. I think I love her. I used to have a boyfriend but with him it just felt...wrong. His skin was too dry and he was too messy and just...not like a girl. But with Courtney(thats her name) it feels right, and different.
This is the part that scares me. She wants to come out. She wants to be in a 'real relationship' but I can't. My parents are so...perfect? They're strict Catholics and I have an older sister who is so caught up in solving math problems she doesn't notice that I hardly sleep at night. I know my parents would never understand. They'd send me to live in Iowa or something.
I don't want to be gay, but I don't know what to do. I was in love with a girl before, but it would never have worked out.
I really need some advice. I have no idea how to deal with this.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-30 09:08 ID:P9KxF/R7

You don't have to be afraid of being gay. Learning to be comfortable with it can be hard, especially at a young age, but it is much better for your mental well-being than trying to deny it. It usually does get easier with time (especially when you get to college).

On your relationship with Courtney, it might help to consult some forums dedicated to that kind of stuff. The best advice I can give is that you could try talking with her about your fears about how your family might react and discuss how you could have a 'real relationship' without coming out to your parents. Also if your school has a GSA or some other LGBT organization it may be helpful to talk with some of the members or the adviser.

Good luck and try not to worry about it too much.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-31 00:27 ID:TyFc1QF7

Here is nothing wrong with you for being gay. Being gay is fine. Some eligeous people dont realize this though. What abot this, your girlfriend comes out to her parents like she wants to, but you dont. Your relationship can be in the open when you around you girlfriendsr parents, but then still keep it a ecet wehn you are round your Parents. would that work?

4 Name: Anonymous : 2011-12-31 00:31 ID:Heaven

Wow. I typed that pretty badly. Sorry, I'm doing this from my phone. Is my garbled message helpfull to you?

5 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-02 11:17 ID:NAup+/qJ

Like the others, I think that there's nothing wrong with being gay, and accepting that part of your life can seriously improve your well being, instead of denying yourself just to fit in.

Now on the issue of coming out, I think you need to carefully consider the possible implications regarding your family. Strictly speaking, they do not have to know, it's your business. If you think that they are so psychologically unprepared that they might react violently, then it's probably best not to do it, specially while you're totally dependent on them. And although I understand Courtney's point of view, she also needs to take into consideration your own circumstances.

I do think that it would be better in the end if your family got to know about that side of your life, but probably not while you're so vulnerable. Maybe it's better to do it when you're an adult, financially independent, and able to prove to your parents that you can lead your life on your own terms. Also do consider that once you start leaking that kind of information, you cannot control it anymore. After all, if you could not keep it for yourself, why would others do it? On the other hand, perhaps your sister might be of some support to you, but you do need to be cautious about it. My feeling is that when faced with an hostile background (such as a very conservative anti-gay culture), it's better to grow up and gain some life experience before tackling those issues with your family. This does not mean that you should not go out with Courtney, quite the contrary (you can't grow up if you stifle yourself). Just be cautious and use common sense to avoid potential trouble.

6 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-06 09:30 ID:1VZ8ZF7p

better quell it before it even starts.. its only natural to be having doubts with your sexuality and its just a phase we all experience in adolescence. as you grow much older you'll know for certain, if it persists then nothing you can do but to embrace it, but as of now your body, preference and mind might just be confused usually associated to teens.

7 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-09 01:03 ID:M9I2iIhJ

>just a phase we all experience in adolescence.

Fuck. You.

8 Name: AliD123 : 2012-01-20 18:05 ID:rIrT4Vkj

Thank you so much for the advice, but, I dont think its going to work out.
So, I told my parents a week ago, I havent really spoken to them since then. But, yesterday, they gave me a flyer about how its the devil inside me and that I have to go to some Church camp. Its in Utah. I dont have a choice. I've been avoiding Courtney because I'm so scared to tell her I'm leaving in 3 days for the Church camp in Utah.
I am so scared.

9 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-20 19:26 ID:0DrGGHbz

>>8 this is a very serious situation. You really need help. I don't know where you live, so I send you a link to a LGTB center in Utah with information on helplines:

By calling them you will get serious counselling on a very tricky situation. Do yourself a favor, and act upon it. Really call them. One thing is certain: your parents have NO RIGHT to send you to a church camp to "heal" you. And camps designed to "heal" gays are notorious for abuse, brainwashing and practices very close to torture. Do NOT allow yourself to fall into that trap. Once again, your parents HAVE NO RIGHT to inflict that upon you. Please let us know how things go for you, I think you were very brave in talking with your parents, and in coming to talk about it here. So please be brave again, and make that phone call. You may find out that there actually is a readily available solution (for instance let your parents have a talk with an informed adult acting as middle man), and you just need someone to point you in the right direction.

10 Name: Laurelai : 2012-01-21 17:33 ID:HrXebJve

Emily, contact some people here who might be able to help reddittroubledteens@gmail.com

11 Name: Laurelai : 2012-01-21 17:37 ID:HrXebJve

Also Emily I want you to know that it does get better, im 30 bisexual and transgender. Life for people like us can be hard and people can be cruel, even people you care about but do not give up on yourself IT DOES GET BETTER

12 Name: Laurelai : 2012-01-21 17:41 ID:HrXebJve

There are some people here id also like you to talk to http://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens and also greetings from http://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt im a moderator there and if you ever need a friend to talk to you can create an account and message me, if you don't feel comfortable with that you can email me at Laurelai@oneechan.org or contact me on freenode irc at #reddit-lgbt (nickname is Laurelai)

13 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-21 17:43 ID:p4Q3Wz4I

emily, you need help. i dont think it was the best idea to tell your parents about this while you are still a minor. youre still too dependent on them and i feel like at this point there isnt much you can do against them without severe negative consequences.

but, you need to remember that being gay isnt something that can be 'cured'. as above posters have indicated, youre likely to go through some abuse at that church camp, youre going to want to get out of there as fast as possible even if it maeans faking being 'cured'. youll probably have to lie to your parents about who you are until you are old enough and financially independent.

i dont think its a bad idea to call a help-line, but i dont think they can offer meaningful help given your situation. despite your parents' feelings on sexuality, my guess is you still care about them or you wouldnt be posting here. advocacy groups will turn this into something political and demonize your parents. you want to be able to deal with your parents on your own terms, and for that youre going to need financial independence. times ahead are probably going to be tough, dont forget who you are.

14 Name: Laurelai : 2012-01-21 18:05 ID:HrXebJve

Also majeric from our subreddit suggests calling the Trevor project (1-866-488-7386)

15 Name: grey!C.MxxuCiTo : 2012-01-21 18:10 ID:jQcEopwr

They legally can not do this to you, SO DO NOT LET THEM!!
Tell Courtney! Now!
Call for help! Call the number the person above me posted! I do not mean to offend but your parents are crazy, there is no "devil" inside you or anything of the sort! Hell I feel ridiculous actually having to type such a thing in the year 2012. Fuck. I repeat: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GO! You could just sit on the floor and refuse to move or eat and legally they can't do squat. And if they even tried to send you away for brainwashing by physical force, you can obviously at that point call the cops. Heck, now that I think about it you can call the cops and tell them that you feel scared or endangered and have them take you into "protective custody", I'm not sure if that is the actual legal term for it but it is a real thing as I have had to deal with it myself. If a child feels endangered by their parents for any reason and calls 911 over it, the police are literally not allowed to not do something about it.
And I know it might feel bad retaliating against your parents oppression like this because I've been there too, (and I'm doing great now!) but parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally. No one should be doing anything like this to anyone. Espscially parents doing this to their own children. On a personal note, this makes me sick.
But regardless, don't just sit there and take it. You can fight back.
And go on to live how you want in a bright future.
Please. Do something.

16 Name: Sal : 2012-01-21 18:54 ID:lAIUbc4h

Please go to /r/troubledteens or email us at reddittroubledteens@gmail.com. These places are horrible and the last thing you or your parents want is for you to end up in one of them, even if they think that's what they want, trust me, they don't.

Don't rely on civil disobedience. If you 'refuse' to go, they can and will hire an escort service to handcuff you and drag you out of your own house. It happened to me, it's happened to thousands of others, it'll happen to you.

17 Name: Sal : 2012-01-21 19:02 ID:lAIUbc4h

This (http://helpingteens.com/) is the kind of service they'd hire. Rick Strawn was who kidnapped me in my home at 3am, and he's a pompous ass who enjoys making money off of legally kidnapping children. Please, please seek out our help. We can help you, just contact us. reddittroubledteens@gmail.com.

18 Name: Pixel8 : 2012-01-21 19:52 ID:7gkyFuMT

I started http://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens, I'm pixel8 (verification: http://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens/comments/oqgvr/gay_teen_being_threatened_with_church_camp_in_utah/c3j8a9e)

I may be able to help you. Please email me at reddittroubledteens@gmail.com. AFAIK, it is illegal to be sent away because of sexual preference.

Many of these teen facilities are abusive, I've heard horror stories. I hope you get in touch with me.

19 Name: catherinecc : 2012-01-21 20:19 ID:df94IAdZ

Even if it's not legal, as a minor, you will be held in a situation where you have no chance of expressing what few legal rights you have. Put simply, the law won't protect you.

Queer youth are far more common even in "non-ex-gay" camps than they should be.

They can do this, they've done it to tens of thousands of kids. And because of the completely broken laws in this country (especially in Utah), they have every legal right to send you to one of these camps until you're 18 (or even 21, if they do some legal tricks)

Or you'll be kept there until their money runs out and then only invited back home if you're "cured" - if you're not, odds are you'll just be left by the side of the road and end up homeless.


20 Name: catherinecc : 2012-01-21 20:25 ID:df94IAdZ

They might also be lying to you about the date and have an "escort" with handcuffs coming earlier, usually in the middle of the night.

21 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-21 20:26 ID:0DrGGHbz


I know that your message is well meaning, but that injunction is useless to her. She needs a viable and realistic exit strategy, not some half baked advice.

I'm in Germany, so I have no clue how things work in the US, but I think that a more reasonable approach is that she leaves home tonight (since camp is scheduled for tomorrow) and heads to some family member's house, where she can buy some time to find a solution. I hope she does well and keep us posted, I've been worried sick about this or the last couple of days.

22 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-21 20:35 ID:p4Q3Wz4I

i understand some of you are lgbt and you only want to help, but a drastic knee-jerk reaction doesnt help. some of you may be okay with abandoning your parents, but anti-gay parents are not necessarily bad parents, and they are certainly not un-loving ones. if they were, they wouldnt seek 'help' in the first place. they are simply ignorant.

trying to get her put into a foster home with more accepting parents is advising her to throw away her real family and make the relationship unsalvageable. thats not something a 16 year old should take lightly.

emily if youre still checking the thread, you should -carefully- consider any action before doing something you might regret. im sure there are people who want to genuinely help you, but for gods sake, dont agree to meet any strangers who want to help you. call a national hotline, stick to official channels.

23 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-21 20:36 ID:0DrGGHbz

Having said that, my suggestion is probably also risky, since the family member may call back the parents, and she's anyway whisked into camp. She needs to consider that. Crashing at a friend's home is another option, but carries the same risks.

In any case, if you read this, Emily, think about those issues.

24 Name: Chris : 2012-01-21 20:39 ID:IcC3eTNL

Emily, I work at an LGBT legal organization that might be able to help you. There's some chance we might be able to get you legally emancipated, if that's something you'd want to try. Pixel8, who posted above, has my email address and phone number and can put us in touch.

25 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-21 20:41 ID:0DrGGHbz

>>22 I'm not lgbt, and this is not the issue. The problem is that her parents are about to do something seriously damaging to their daughter. We are not advising her to cut ties with her parents, but to take the required steps to preserve her own integrity (which I hope involve simply some discussion and counseling, and nothing so drastic as separation). By doing that, she is more likely to safeguard the family's integrity than by submissively accepting to be hurt.

Nevertheless, I do agree that she should use official and well-trained channels to reach for help.

26 Name: Pixel8 : 2012-01-21 21:48 ID:7gkyFuMT

Chris, who posted above, is a solid resource from an excellent organization. I would be happy to put you in touch & show you how you can verify their authenticity before you trust them. Again, my email is reddittroubledteens@gmail.com.

27 Name: Chamomile : 2012-01-21 22:12 ID:aJxakJag

Emily, what's the name of the camp in question? They vary from "mostly just inconvenient" to "the thing of nightmares," if you give us a name we can do some digging and find out just how much you should be willing to sacrifice to avoid being sent there. If in doubt, err on the side of caution, which in this case means staying as far away from Utah-based homosexual "cure" camps as possible. They tend to lean towards the nightmare side of things and it will cause permanent psychological damage to you if it does. Yes, you can recover from these camps to the point where you can move on and be happy with your life, but it will leave permanent scars.

I'm trying not to scare you, because it's important to stay calm and rational and make your own choices instead of acting on blind faith in strangers from the internet due to panic, but it really is important you understand the stakes here.

A few suggestions.

First, a lot of people have provided links to organizations that might be able to protect you. If they can, this would be, by far, the most preferable option. It's low-risk and socially sanctioned, which will probably make an eventual reconciliation with your parents much easier if you decide you want one.

Second, however, have a back-up plan in case that doesn't work. Remember, society is a promise between the community to protect the individual and the individual to uphold the community. If the community does not make good on its promise to protect you (in this case, from psychological abuse), you have no obligation to obey societal rules, norms, or even laws anymore. If the place is nasty enough and your options are limited enough, you will likely be better off finding some place to run to. There isn't exactly going to be a huge manhunt over this, so it's not like you're going to be a fugitive your whole life. By the time you hit your eighteenth birthday, it'll basically be over.

Good luck.

28 Name: lilmissmoonshine : 2012-01-23 18:48 ID:f+KVDxvF

I wanted to say, don't be afraid of Utah as a place to start over if you need to get away once you're there/can't get away before then. It has the deserved Mormon reputation, but as a result the gay community is extremely loving, accepting, and tight-knit. I recently moved away so I can't really give you any further advice than that and can't offer you a place to stay, but I'm on your side. We're all on your side. I've been in your position before and remember; your parents love you, and they don't understand. This is a horrible, knee-jerk reaction born of ignorance. It's awful, but it's going to be okay. I swear it gets better. Message me if you need somebody to talk to, but I definitely advise going to reddit (r/lgbt or r/ainbow) as a source of help and advice.

29 Name: Anonymous : 2012-01-26 18:36 ID:Urm1vyHH

Oh crap I am worried about her.

30 Name: Pixel8 : 2012-01-30 11:07 ID:7gkyFuMT

I'm worried about her, too. She has not contacted me yet.

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34 Name: Walst : 2015-02-23 19:24 ID:9yaDorGu

So, that is normal, is bisexuality. I was 15 years old when I fell inlove with a girl. And my thoughts was like "Wtf, I am inlove with a girl, that is wreid"
I had alot of hours of thinking about it, and understood, that this girl is too important to me. I told to her about my feelings, and we were together.
Bisexuality - is not terrible thing. You just love a person. Person, which understand you and you don't feel empty.
So, what about parents, just don't tell to them. They may not understand that. Just live with your feelings.

35 Name: Anonymous : 2016-01-17 17:22 ID:y/wC8INq

This post is a few years late.

I wonder what happened to >>1-san. Is she okay? The horror stories I hear from those camps are some pretty fucked up shit.

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