I’m 28 now but when I was 9 my older brother started touching me while I was sleeping, masturbated me and rub his penis in my ass.
I suddenly changed personality, from an extroverted kid to a very introverted one, always in my room, no friends, almost all my puberty depressed, I tried to never mention his name again, just call him "the other one" (I have another brother) and trying to keep always an eye on my little sister, worry about he will try the same with her.
I don’t know if it was not obvious for my parents the change in personality and my strong reluctance to be in the same place with him, now I know these and other behaviors I had then, are clearly a sign of child sexual abuse, but my parents are catholic (we live in South America) and they had an excellent relation with their families, so, they would never thought in something like this.
My dad change, for him been a good brother is very important and he never understood why I start hating my older brother. Why always when he talked something about him, I did faces, and why I transformed in a crybaby loner.
My mom for the other side interpreted this as a behavior- adolescence issue and start overprotecting me even more. Cause I didn’t have a social life and was very quit she always put me like an example of discipline, academically and at home, and we - my mom and I- formed a strong relationship that all the others- included my dad and sister- feel alienated from it.
(Continued) But after being in special education my whole education it effected my education. None of this was relized at the time. My brother and I wss at his aptment when I was 12. And my dad kept tring to page me I seemed annoyed my brother said I shouldn't act like that. Whenever he called the house my father just past the phone to my mom that dad hated him I told him that dad didn't hate him I thought it was guilt. I talked to my dad and after that my brother asked if I said something to him because out of nowhere he asked how he was the last time he called. I told him I hadn't said anything. I am surprised I understood relationships so young. So at about 25 I started reaching out to my siblings I was depressed and my night terrors and sleep apnea returned I had to explain to my brother what the terror thing was. They just stopped answering after that. started thinking of suicide and two years after that I turned to herrion right after that I purposely od. they dont know but my parents had to give me cpr for about 3 mins to bring me back. I talked to my parents and told them about the depression and heroin. Now im clean but none of it matters im a recovered heroin addict and if I went to my brothers and sisters well I hate to say but shadenfreuden. I haven't talked to my brother and sisters in a little over 6 years. That night terrors and overwhelming feeling of despair is why. I choose not to have kids even though I know I would never let them be harmed I'm extremely emotional. Like cry at cartoons and commercials emotional so they Would probably get messed up one way or another.
fucking sick brothers mine has lung cancer and i hope he dies for what he did to me 😁
i use to touch my cousins breasts and vagina, rub my dick with her ass. It gives me pleasure sometimes she shake a bit but most of the time she dont. what should i do?
Whatever you said, the past is still the past which means whatever happened is still there. The scars that you fucktards left. The nightmare that you create for us is completely unacceptable. Don't say that you feel so sorry about what happen. Don't say that "we" seemed to enjoy the pleasure.Since most of us got molested while we're unaware and careless. Since we are too innocent to think that you assholes would not do anything to harm us. Since we believe that you're brothers or sisters that take responsibility to protect us. However, you turned to be the fucking cruel monster that we cant forgive for the rest of our lives. You,who molested others, are not deserved to be called Human. Because human know about norms, they know about what is right to do and what is not right to do. Unlike you, you know clearly that its not right to do and you dare to let fucking hands puting on our vaginas or penises. What makes you want to do that? There is no gold in that place. There is game putting over there. Or you think that our vaginas or penises are yours that you can barge in anytime? You son of a bitch will never ever grow up! You're the worst of worst of all monster! Ah I see it's because you ate shit everyday that make your brain full of shit! You are the dirtiest dirt that we human need to get rid of. I believe that what comes around goes around. You hurt us and later on you trash will be hurt million trillion times than us! You scums! Stop posting that "I molested my cousin and she seems to like it blah blah blah" cause know what? No one likes it! You molested her when she dont even know what molest is? She dont know how that place used beside pee! You son of a monster! I bet I'd your mother knows that you will become a molester she will choke you to death since the day she gave birth to you or she will probably push you back into her vagina to make you motherfucker rethink again if you were born in the right planet! Last but not least, you fucker molester go to hell! Eat your own dick! Nobody likes you! You're the dirt of human! P.S. : You will know how it hot to be in hell. The hell that you create for us might be hot and unbearable. But the hell that created from your sin is completely different you flea of the society!!! Dont die peacefully!
holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you freaks
if you got fucking raped tell your parents
now you're gay mentally ill faggots hahahaha just end your life hahaha
I'm a recovering hikikomori. About which, let's just say I was born into a dysfunctional family.
I'm currently a NEET, I've been one since I last dropped out of highschool years ago, and I've never really worked, except for something very informal months ago and which only lasted a couple of days, because I messed it up.
I have a plan to socially recover and sustainably stop being a NEET. Not that I think one "should" work, I'm critical of work, but I do think it can be advantageous to do so.
What might it be, if I may ask? I could use such a thing myself.
My plan is having two jobs on the same days, both customer service and at least one with co-workers. I think it's of the highest importance to have "two worlds", not just one.
It's a big mistake to think any job will do. For someone who has been socially withdrawn for extended periods of time, it's important to quickly expand one's "social reference points", and to have more than one.
But overcoming social withdrawal is full of subleties. I'm ashamed about having no clothes, so I've been thinking about first getting a job in cleaning or something where I was paid in cash each day, and so being able to buy clothes sooner. But it's difficult to get a job like that, so maybe I'll have to make do with what I have.
This is only an idea though. My actual plans keep moving.
Good luck. I really and truly hope this works for you.
dicks out for Harambe
I'm 24 years old male, graduated college late last year, got a job in marketing. But lately I've been having this feeling that I don't know what to do and where to go with my life. People always told me that that I need to get a steady job, save money, get married, and be happy. But honestly, that sounds stupid. I want to do more with my life but sometimes the people around me just don't understands that and try to dictate yhe choices in my life. It's depressing...
Live in a camper and do the bare minimum to keep from losing your camper to tax collectors. This will provide you with no family, and remove the necessity of a steady job and in all probability saving money and then you can spend the rest of your time being happy.
What did you go to college for anyway?
I didn't find my passion until I was nearly 30, OP. Keep trying new things.
What did you find?
Civic activism through my labor union. The job is enjoyable enough (spot repair), but since joining the Civic and Legislative Action committee I regularly meet with elected officials and engage with coworkers on issues that relate to middle class values. Before all of that, I was very much an introvert. Challenging myself to be more social was rewarding, and this past year I ran for and won an executive board position within my local.
It's nice to know that if I were to be laid off next week, I could quickly find work as a community organizer through the many contacts I've made. It would be a significant pay cut, that's why I still have my current job.
It's really the root of every lifestyle change I've made since. Tried several sports, played much less vidya in exchange for other pursuits, etc.
I have a somewhat similar dilemma, OP. No one is trying to dictate anything for me, thankfully, but I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm 25 and have been a shut-in NEET for most of the past 10 years. I've been told that I just need to keep trying, to pursue my dreams and strive for what I want, to go out and 'experience the world' or whatever, but what does any of that even mean? What if you have no achievable dreams? What if the only thing you want 50% of the time is something impossible, and the other 50% of the time you just want to not exist at all? What if you have no strong interests or realistic desires? Nothing in this world is truly enjoyable for me. There are a few things that aren't too painful that I can kind of do for a little while, but the moment I stop doing them I never want to again, as they're too much effort to bother with and not enough reward. Everything is so difficult for me. Even if they require only the tiniest bit of energy to do, that's still too much. I have almost no energy to spend to begin with, and on top of that, the time I would spend doing whatever pseudo-enjoyable thing I might be doing could be spent daydreaming about something I actually want, or escaping reality in some other fashion.
The "pursue your dreams" stuff sounds inspirational and all, but I think it's bullshit.
Start small. If you can set aside fifteen minutes a day to do accomplish something, that's the best place to begin. Maybe today you finally clean your room. Perhaps tomorrow you can take a fifteen minute walk. The day after write your daydreams in a journal. Keep spending 15 minutes a day for a month doing anything that can give you reprieve from yourself. If after a month you still feel just as deeply troubled, you may want to talk to someone...
Browsing through various hiki-related threads here, there seems to be a split between hikis who exclusively leech off parents, and those who do have jobs or school but still call themselves hiki.
I'm curious about this because my personal life is very hiki-like and yet I have a full-time job. For a few years I was totally hikikomori without any employment, but through a stroke of luck I finally did get a job which let me fully support myself. Even after two years though, I have no life outside of work. All my friends and social contacts slipped away during the years I was locked inside my apt as an unemployed recluse, and I haven't made any new friends even after I started working. I thought after starting work again my life would return to normal but it hasn't as I'm still drowning under this inexplicable apathy and no longer care about hobbies I used to have. If not apathy then I feel irrational fear and anxiety. When not working I browse the web or watch online videos and don't go outside unless I need to. I feel like "real" life is slipping further and further away with each wasted day, and yet I can't seem to stop it. And I fear that if I lose this job (it's a bad recession after all) I will slip back into full hiki-mode and never be able to crawl back out.
I remember reading that all hikikomoris are by definition also NEETs (but not vice versa), and yet my life seems to have many attributes of hikikomori (abnormal social isolation, afraid to leave apt, etc). Does anyone have a similar story?
Fellow former hiki here.
What if you don't want to 'recover'? I have absolutely no interest in the real world. The only reason why I leave my room is because circumstances force me to.
only if you work entirely online
I think it's stupid when people argue that you can't be a real recluse if you've got a job. Ostracisation is a state of mind. When I was in college I certainly didn't feel any more outgoing for it - if anything, it was the only place I could get a feel for my own alienation. Being outside of your comfort zone makes you realise how small your self-constructed world really is - if you're stuck at home all day, browsing the internet, there's no such wake up call. You can be a emperor-without-clothes all day without reprimand, for better or worse.
As somebody who spent 7 years as a defined hikikomori; that is, zero friends, lived alone through government assistance, and no job - I don't believe you can be considered one if you maintain employment. A hikikomori is defined (cultural aspects aside) as someone who cannot cope with society and so they withdraw. However, the moment you obtain a job you have something in your life you must oblige to, as opposed to sitting alone, inside, not communicating with anybody real, you do go out.
While you can maintain a lifestyle of solitude through not having friends or partaking in lonesome activities, you are now more of an introvert, nothing more. Unless their is still some medical issue at hand, such as agoraphobia of something, you're not really a hikikomori unless you're giving into solitude at your own free will, and avoiding everything that comes with the real world, like a job, friends, school etc etc.
i have a full time job....but i can make my hours and choose to work at night so i dont have to see people. im a welder. so i dont need to interact with people at work. if i didnt need to support myself i wouldnt leave home. i dont like people. they scare me. they make me uncomferatuble and uneasy. i never know what to say and always feel like an idiot when i say something. when i get home i get strate inside and stay inside. my windows are always coverd and i never answer the door and dont even have a cell phone anymore. all i need is my pc and my anime. i dont like the outside world. its done nothing but cause me discomfort. im better off in my house locked up. and i hate the fact that i have to ever leave. i wish i had lots of money so i didnt have to leave. so besides the fact i do leave my house to get money so i can buy anime and games and food i do consider myself an american Hikikomori. i may be wrong but thats how i see myself and im hapy with it. i v always been shut in and untill i moved to a town in the sticks it was alot harder to live and be comferatble like i am now.
if anyone has a response to what i said or if i can even call myself a Hikikomori email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
This. IMO truly self-sufficient hikkis tend to make ends meet, without leeching off parents/society. Mostly IT or investing.
It's probably silly pride thing, but I'd rather die alone without being burden to anyone, rather in momma's basement...
Indeed. Though I'd not call it 'cope' - in my case it's simpler than that, if not subtle - social bonds, like everything in life, have their highs and lows. The end result is zero, so what's the point. The meaning of life is perpetuation of species, persuading happiness is always temporary. That's how I perceive humans to be wired.
As for the basic instinct to seek human bonds, I think it works like with wolves - either you're in the pack, or not, whichever works for you.
OP here. It's been over six years since I made this post originally. I've been out of work for 4 years and on disability. I haven't spoken to my parents or any other family face-to-face since last Christmas. I have made the decision to kill myself via hanging tomorrow morning.
Goodbye, cruel world.
It's interesting how, no matter how long it takes, we all seem to come back here eventually. I see this in several threads, but this one stood out since there was a six year gap between OP's initial thoughts and the most recent post. Even today, I find myself coming back here every couple years and seeing old posts. It's like going back to your old hometown, full of nostalgic memories but full of hurtful memories at the same time. There's a lot of pain behind these walls.
I think you can be a gainfully employed hikikomori, but only if your job is done remotely. A hikky, by definition, doesn't leave their house (and oftentimes their room). Software development or investing is a good way to support yourself under these conditions. For someone who doesn't have access to a lot of money to survive on investing (think a minimum of $100,000), software development is the preferred choice.
Society sucks. Our culture sucks. People are assholes. I dropped out. Spend my days as comfy as possible now.
Wake up early and drink my coffee on the back porch while my dog chases rabbits and fucks around in the yard.
Go in and eat breakfast, shower, do some chores. Take my dog for a long walk, adventure around wandering through vacant lots, wooded areas, follow the train tracks, etc
Come back home and relax in my chair and read a good book while my dog lays at my feet.
Fuck society and the rat race and all that shit. Just try to live comfy.
You sir, deserve a fucking nobel prize...
This was a surprisingly difficult question for me to answer directly. The following is the most comprehensive answer I can provide at the moment, and I will expand on it in the future for those interested.
It is an augment for a natural attraction to female legs. The skin-tight fabric that constitutes tights and pantyhose changes the appearance of the lower body significantly. The complete coverage waist to toe makes for a kind of perfection–a completion–that is not intended with stockings. While much has been discussed about the zettai ryouiki phenomenon, it is directly at odds with my own preferences. Stockings and thigh-high socks leave the thighs exposed, whereas tights cover the thighs and allow them to enjoy the same benefits as the rest of the leg. In the rare occasion that the waist and hips are exposed as well, the effect is even greater, as the border between the waistband and the exposed upper body can create an effect I would venture is similar to the zettai ryouiki. I am averse to patterns, fishnets, and damage to the fabric, as the perfection is lost with even the smallest aberration in the fabric.
To repeat some information from the two “Apparel For The Petals” posts on Cray’s Notes (part 1, part 2), the color and denier (thread density) can create a wide range of effects that other garments cannot, all of which heighten the femininity of the curves of the legs–in particular, the color gradient (preferably not skin tone), reflectivity, and the ability of the tights to cover imperfections in the skin. Examples include white tights creating an image of purity, opaque black tights showing the wearer as proper and formal, and other colors having all manner of other effects depending on color warmth, none of which are possible to the same extent with bare legs or partial coverings. In addition, I use the term “tights” as it specifically refers to opaque fabrics and deliberate colros, while “pantyhose” most often refers to sheer fabrics close to skin tone. However, black and brown pantyhose that results in dark colors dissimilar from the natural color of the legs are equivalent to tights for the above purposes.
I feel like I don't belong here. Like I was born in the wrong era. People around me are on a different wavelength. I feel like I was supposed to be somewhere else doing something else living a different life.
>The decline of human interaction
I agree with this, I feel like most of the people I interact with are emotionally stunted in some way. Probably because a growing proportion of human contact now is over the internet, which disconnects people from others, or at least makes it easier to ignore how you might affect them.
I used to think that this "glorious future" is going someday reach me. No matter how much I rise and improve it doesn't seem to come.
Once believed that I was actually born in the wrong era and being born 30 years earlier might have been a happier and more well ajusted person.
But no, something is fucked up with me personally in any time to be born in
Well, that's right because you are still a teen.
Well I'm a programmer by trade, but I don't really like what modern computing has become. Things seemed more exciting in the 80's, with a thriving ecosystem of different computer architectures. It was especially nice here in France (and rest of Europe), because there wasn't any kind of "video game crash" event that allowed the market to consolidate into the hands of only a few players. Instead, in the mid-to-late 80's we had ZX Spectrum machines coexisting with Apple II's, Amstrad CPC's, Atari ST, Amiga, IBM PC and clones, various french stuff, and even MSX machines.
But now, just like everywhere else, it's just PC clones everywhere. There is really nothing cool or exciting on the horizon, and never anything revolutionary like the Amiga.
I've used Linux, and BSD (and still do) but even that doesn't satisfy me. The systems keep getting more complex and bloated every year. Web browsers of course are totally ridiculous now. The standards are also over-complicated. Instead of simple serial and parallel ports (which are very easy to program and write drivers for), we now how this USB monster that I'm positive nobody has ever written a bug-free implementation. Besides that, a lot of modern hardware is difficult to write drivers for in general. So even if you were to try and write your own OS (as the TempleOS guy has attempted), it would be an impossible task to make it run on anything but VMWare or other virtual machine.
>>28 I'm 15 and feel the exact same! I belong somewhere in the 20th century, preferably early to mid. I thought the same but since I was a toddler I had memories from that time.
I feel deprived of the future.
When I was a kid, I would see movies and stuff with dial-up modems and outdated mobile phones, people using Windows 95 computers and older kids playing with game-boys. To me, that's what I would have when I grew up. I was going to be a teenager one day, and I would have a pentium laptop or an iBook with a cable to get online, a Game Boy Color, etc.
Even now from time to time, I'll go through some 90s computing stuff and it still feels fundamentally like the future that was being promised to me, like it's still going to arrive one day. I habitually buy random 90s game consoles and some old computers because of this, but they never achieve that important feeling of it actually being real because that's not the time I'm living in, and modern websites don't work on old hardware most of the time.
Even more rationally, when I look at political history there are so many instances where I get the most horrible feeling that we went wrong, we took the wrong route and it doomed us. These are all very boring though. In summary, it feels governments have surrendered their primary economic powers to improve the well-being of the majority of people, trivializing politics and leaving us heading down a very scary path. Throw in the growing spectre of surveillance and things start to look very nasty.
There is a short story by William Gibson you might like, "The Gernsback Continuum." It is about the last time a gulf between the promised future and what was ultimately realized developed. It is named for Hugo Gernsback, the editor of early science fiction pulp magazines, most notably Amazing Stories. http://lib.ru/GIBSON/r_contin.txt
let me indulge in your problems, im here to listen and i want to help you guys out, unfortunately not directly, but with a project.
Won't tell you anything, because of reasons.
There is no welfare in my country so I live in fear.
I am sick and tired of it.
I've been thinking about becoming a monk at the Buddhist temple near me. It would mean that I could continue to behave the way I do, except without the stimulus from computers.
I'm just worried that I won't be able to overcome the discomfort of living life without the luxuries I have now.
But what else can I do?
Work is a terrible thing.
Protect yourself and ensure you stay away from work, it leads to stresses and unnatural diseases like cancer and sleeping problems
This is going to be really lame: A while ago I made a small post criticizing sjws. (I think you know what I'm talking about) While I have no problem with LGBTQ people and rights in general and don't tolerate racists. A friend decided to take it upon themselves to take it personally and seems somewhat avoidant with discussing this issue. One of their reasons for avoiding me was that they get stepped on in public for being "who they are".
This seemed unfair as I did not personally address the person, nor did I associate them as an insufferable keyboard warrior. I've been stepped on in public as well back when I used to grow my hair out. But I think the person had been hasty and has suddenly deemed me as one of those people who wronged them and stepped on them in public.
They made some passive aggressive posts for a bit and they apparently can't seem to differentiate between a reasonable person who just happens to stands for genuine "social justice" issues (However you define that) from the sort of people who make attempts at getting offended at everything, not listening to differing viewpoints/criticism, and just mirroring the same sort of bigoted behaviour which they said they are against.
I wasn't sure if I should point this sort of bullshit out to them. I think it's something that they should know. It's been a few weeks. Or should I just dismiss them as a lost cause? I don't expect to be friends with them again. (So maybe there's nothing to lose) It's been bothering me for a while. But it's something that I need to get off my chest since I've been thinking about this a lot. Thanks for your time.
Explain to them what their behavior looks like to a neutral outside observer. They'll either hate you and get angry, or they'll get it and change their ways.
Ultimately all humans have an ego problem, and unless someone else points out our errors (whatever those may be), it's difficult to change.
You "don't tolerate racists?" You "have no problem with LGBTQ people?" You're here posting passive-aggressive crap about someone else who's apparently got more revolutionary zeal than you?
Look in the mirror. You're the SJW. And please, please spare us further posts about your SJW-vs-SJW passive-aggressive cripplefight.
You "drink water"? You "eat food"? You're here posting passive-aggressive crap about some other anonymous who's apparently got more revolutionary zeal than you?
Look into the argument. You're using a pretty bad one. Please spare us form them.
Fuck it man, tell them what you think.