Clonepa or Superman?
Mr. Blobby forces Noo-Noo to the floor and begins searching for an opening, trying with rock hard determination to penetrate Noo-Noo. Unable to find a hole, Mr. Blobby strangles Noo-Noo half to death then returns with a hacksaw and slowly decapitates the Noo-Noo. With the head sawn off, Mr. Blobby begins thrusting inside the tracheae. When the FBI kick down the door and begin pumping Mr. Blobby full of lead. Since Noo-Noo is a US citizen by birth, this would make the contest a draw.
>>395
This is a fight thread not a porno thread. But in a fight I guess it would be the butch lesbian since they are aggressive while twinks are passive sodomites who want to be penetrated. The twink would assume the lesbian is a a male sodomizer homosexual and just bend over. Then she’d go up behind him and snap his neck, ridding humanity of this foul demon.
>>397
The Pope and his Vatican vs 4chan’s lost /lolikon/ board
>>396
It would be nice if we got a >>389-like situation where all the paedophiles kill one another/themselves and nobody is left alive at the end. Unfortunately I think the Pope and his cardinals' old age will limit their combat capabilities and they probably won't put up much of a fight.
>>398
Aragorn vs Legolas vs Gimli, all fighting over the One Ring.
Me vs My mirror self
>>400
Making a post that ignores the thread structure to me suggests a lack of self-reflection. This will allow your mirror self the element of surprise, defeating you.
>>401
According to Wikipedia, sucralose is around 320-1000 times sweeter than sucrose, compared to aspartame's mere 200 times. It also has a longer and more impressive IUPAC name which, going by wizard rules, indicates that it's more powerful.
>>403
Given that web archivists have probably already downloaded the entire Internet Archive a million times over by now, I’d call a Pyrrhic victory for Hachette. They might win the case, shut IA down, and have Brewster thrown in gitmo, but it won’t stop us all from pirating their books.
>>404
James Sutherland vs Ikari Shinji in a depression contest. Who will be the first to die of starvation and neglect or an hero? Any third parties are not allowed, but delusions and hallucinations of loved ones and traumatic flashbacks are permitted. If any of them decide to become an hero please include suicide method.
James is kinda fucked so I’m gonna give the win to Shinji. At least that whiny SOB has people who care about him unlike that loner autist James.
>>406
Godzilla vs the entire US military
>>405
The US would declare a War on Kaijuu and pour several hundred billion dollars of taxpayer money into the pockets of military profiteers so they can use it as an excuse to murder impoverished brown children on the other side of the world. Meanwhile, Godzilla would rampage unchecked across the US (the rich would, of course, evacuate to their bunkers so it's only inconsequential poor people whose lives are ruined). Ten years later, the president declares a triumphant end to the War on Kaijuu as they finally achieved their goal of killing Mothra.
>>407
Martin Luther vs Martin Luther King Jr.
>>406
Initially, the two would peacefully engage in lively theological discussion, MLK Jr. thrilled to meet his namesake and hero and Martin Luther intrigued by this strange Moor and his Christlike message of nonviolence. That lasts until the topic of Israel arises and MLK Jr. espouses the fine character of the Jewish race and the virtues of Zionism. Seeing red, Luther attacks the servant of Satan before him and attempts to throttle him, but MLK fights him off easily due to Luther's notoriously poor health throughout his life.
Collapsing to his knees, Luther starts ranting about Jews and their endless perfidy in-between wheezes. MLK Jr. realizes that Luther, if allowed to live, may well inspire another Holocaust among his latter-day followers. With great reluctance, he ends Luther's life as painlessly as possible using the only weapon at hand: a hammer.
>>408
John Wayne vs John Wayne Gacy
Like many young boys looking for employment, Gacy lures John into his home and attempts to ply him with alcohol. In his usual fashion, Gacy introduces the idea of sex to John. However John Wayne, already a pure red blooded American, is incensed at the thought of fallatio with a fat homosexual. “Your not a real man. Your a disappointment to your father.” Those words stop Gacy, he hangs is head in shame. Suddenly, all the sadness and hatred in him surges to the surface and he lunges at the boy. Gacy misses, he’s forgotten that John Wayne is immune to projectiles which always seem to fly around him. Having landed on a vase, Gacy is now mortally wounded and easily subdued by John Wayne.
At first, John thinks the best he can do is end Gary’s miserable life as painlessly as possible with whatever he has available: a large dildo. But realizes Gacy’s skills as a killer could be a useful. He elects to keep Gacy in his basement and feed the killer clown blacks, homosexuals, Indians, and other undesirables he’s picked up off the streets to purify white America of the unwanted.
>>409
George Bush vs a Kangaroo with an AK-47
>>408
I think George Bush would win because a kangaroo would probably or possible shoot himself with the AK because he doesn't know how to use it or maybe jump with it and hurt himself with the bayonet and really just be oblivious to the workings of the gun while George Bush would freak out abotu the kangaroo and be scared and yell and run away then probably use his cell phone to call animal control or something or even Dick Cheney with a shotgun to come take care of it if the kangaroo doesn't kill himself
>>410
Switzerland vs Sweden
>>412
I don’t see any way for this fight to pan out unless the either country can uproot themselves and collide into the other’s land mass or if that earthquake weapon they’ve been talking about on 2chan recently could cause them to collide by shifting tectonic plates. Assuming they can even hit each other, it boils down to intelligent Nords vs moronic Turks in denial, in which case the Finns would have the advantage. Having given up the ways of the steppe centuries ago, the Hungarians lack warrior spirit and would probably freeze to death anyway.
>>414
2channel in 2004 vs Facebook in 2005
>>413
I don't have any numbers for their relative populations at the time, but I feel like 2channel had a tighter knit and more dedicated community, which will hopefully translate into greater military morale. The absence of any language barrier will probably work in their favour too.
>>415
Utena Tenjou vs a marilith.
>>414
I don't see how Utena Tenjou is going to win this given her latent homosexuality and the fact she can only wield one bladed weapon at a time. The Marilith would simply cast a charm spell to seduce the feeble school girl before dispatching her with cutting blow to the neck.
>>416
Wonder Woman vs the Rapeman
>>419
The pothead would be too zonked to actually fight and instead takes young adolf under his wings, hitler grows up to be a stoner and thus gets accepted into art school and lives out the rest of his life pretty normally; however, in hitler's absence himmler becomes the dictator of germany, leading to the takeover of france and its conversion to the SS state of burgundy, the first and only nuclear superpower that threatens the peace of the entire world, this snowballs into a series of events that leads to the collapse of democracy in america, half the world turning communist, hyper-genocide in russia and ultra-balkanization into uninhabitable shithole anarchy states and eventually nuclear apocalypse, in this world, nobody wins.
>>421
a guy hopped up on benadryl vs a guy hopped up on adderall
>>420
The guy hopped up adderall studies quantum physics and electrical engineering in under 5 hours and builds a 15kt thermonuclear bomb. He leaves it outside the Benadryl guy’s house before evacuating the area. Unable to resist the big shiny red button, Benadryl man detonates the device. He would win the contest having technically killed himself. However, the blast triggers a global nuclear war which kills adderall man. Thus the result is a draw.
>>422
Harley Quinn vs teh Rapeman
>>421
Listen, I get where you're going here, but Harley Quinn has superhuman strength and agility and a lot of combat experience, while the Rapeman continues to be just some guy who's used to preying on random defenceless young women. You also shouldn't underestimate how much barely contained rage most women have towards sexually violent men. Most women I know have at some point expressed a sincere desire to murder a rapist (not even their rapist, just a rapist) and I personally know of one who (unsuccessfully, sadly) tried to poison her rapist, and another who permanently disfigured and blinded a rapist with acid (again, not even her rapist, just a rapist).
>>423
100 Roman legionaries vs a T-rex.
>>422
I’m not sure about this one. It’s very probable the T-Rex would flee if the Romans mounted any serious attack on it. On the other hand, the Romans might see it as some kind of god and begin offering up sacrifices to the thing. But assuming the Romans do attack it, they’d probably chase it away.
>>424
An Ottoman janissary vs a Jedi (no force or special abilities allowed)
>>423
Depends very heavily on what counts as "special abilities". Is a lightsabre itself a special ability? Are the backflips Yoda does a special ability? Is their unlikely ability to dodge Stormtrooper bullets a special ability? Assuming the answers to the above are all yes, Janissaries tended to make heavy use of firearms whereas Jedis are more melee focused, which would probably be enough to let the Janissary win. More lenient rulings on the Jedi could easily hand him the victory.
>>425
Your dad vs a mountain lion. He has to actually kill it with his bare hands to win, not just scare it away.
>>428
Due to his jovial nature and grossly overweight figure, Siegmeyer is at a clear disadvantage. The lesser demon is aggressive but not especially poisonous. It being a non-character puts it at an inherent disadvantage, it has no personality, cannot think, no guile. I’m sure Siegmeyer would come out on top.
>>430
Gekko Kamen/Allah no Shinsha vs the US government
>>428
First, I had no idea who Gekko Kamen and Allah no Shinsha were so I had to do research first. Their two different heroes. Gekko Kamen might be able to hide from Uncle Sam, but he’d get drone whacked eventually. He didn’t have a bike in the original series so he wouldn’t get far. Allah no Shinsha is equally susceptible to CIA drone strike, but he is the messenger of Allah. Taking him out would incite the wrath of Allah and destroying the US with a disaster of Biblical proportions.
>>431
Da Jews (a fictional all powerful force that manipulate world events and control literally everything) vs NERV
>>429 Antisemitism aside, isn't "a fictional all powerful force that manipulate world events and control literally everything" literally just what SEELE is in NGE? They're in charge of the UN and are using NERV for their own mysterious plans. So "Da Jews" totally have NERV beat in this fight.
>>431 Say Gex vs Gay Sex
>>431
While Gex is an unusually skilled gecko capable of adroitly navigating the Media Dimension and defeating his arch-enemy Rez, I am unsure how the act of saying his name possesses any offensive value whatsoever.
Gay sex is hardly more inherently suited for combat, but if the participants are massive bears, they could conceivably crush the person saying "Gex" in their throes of pleasure.
>>433
A chocobo vs. a moogle
>>432
Since zombies are pretty susceptible to fire, the Necromancer will use the underhanded tactic of bringing the Pyromancer’s dead wife back to face him. Overwhelmed by emotion, the Pyromancer will let his guard down and Necro will stab him in the neck with a pen.
>>434
Cute girl vs the entire incels subreddit
>>434
Do you have any idea how over the top 40k is? The Eldar can summon a physical manifestation of their war god, see thousands of years into the future, have technology so insane the "advanced" Protoss would think it's magic and, despite being a dying race, still massively outnumber the Protoss simply due to the scale of 40k.
This isn't even a fight, it's fly swatting.
>>436
A Titanfall pilot (along with his titan) vs the Team Fortress 2 crew
>>435
The TF2 team have a huge advantage in numbers, versatility, and tactics available to them. None of the titans really have anything up their sleeve that's devastating enough to wipe out the whole team before getting pincered, ambushed, or overwhelmed by numbers.
>>437
Generic mid-level D&D adventuring party (fighter, rogue, cleric, magic user) vs a xenomorph.
>>438
By kea I suppose you mean Manu Kea. Given that this volcano has been dormant for most of human history I doubt it would pose a threat to Russell Crow. Although there’s no way Crow could actually destroy it. This would be a long drawn out contest to see who dies first and I’m afraid Russel Crow can’t out live a mountain.
>>440
Hunter Biden vs a CIA agent armed with a plastic bag sent to silence him
>>439
By the power of crack cocaine, he is gonna banepost in real life and reveal that the he was, in fact, the Big Guy (for you) all along. The spook ends up garroted, not by his flimsy petrochemical weapon of choice, but by Hunter's massive loli-raeping wiener.
>>441
The laziest person you ever met vs. the fattest person you ever met
>>442
The banshee can scream all she likes. I doubt she has the ability to locate a poltergeist. Banshees herald the death of a family member so her only hope is the poltergeist is close with the relative in question and will become suicidally depressed and off himself by drinking holy water or something. A poltergeist can levitate fucking objects like Darth Vader and Steven Spielberg made a film about them. All bansees do is cry. So their like a regular woman.
>>444
Reality vs George Dubya
>>444
The wolf would probably eat the wicked sisters and the witch but when he goes for the snow queen he collapses of gastrointestinal perforation. The snow queen proceeds to shove the remaining pieces of meat down the wolf’s throat until he implodes.
>>446
Ted Bundy vs Elliot Rodger in a competition of who can kill the most sorority girls in 30 minutes.
>>445
Ted Bundy was noteworthy for his cunning; he committed his murders over a vast geographic area and using difficult-to-trace methods specifically to prevent law enforcement from tracking him down. However, this will in fact work against him here, in particular his distaste for firearms and apparently even blades.
Powered by sheer incel rage, Elliot Rodger will brazenly stab and gun down dozens of college babes and hapless bystanders while Ted wastes minutes carefully stalking and strangling each girl out of sight of witnesses, then hiding the evidence.
Things may go differently if the referee convinces Ted he will never face consequences for his murders, which may inspire him to finally exercise his 2nd Amendment rights, but even so I think Elliot's experience on the shooting range (and with stabbing three random dudes to death before he started his incel rampage) will give him the edge.
>>447
British football hooligans vs. Canadian hockey rioters
>>446
Canadian hocky fans know how to use sticks and padding. This gives them a +50 armor and greater range. Canadians are observably more intelligent than Britishers, who are also known to be so drunk they can barely walk. The Canadians> would smash their skulls with those sticks and use their bladed shoes to slit throats. It's a no contest.
>>448
Chinese Maoist red guards vs anime student council
>>447
Given their track record I'm going to have to pick the red guards here. They know how to bayonette charge with sticks and they hate all things Japanese.
>>449
Ronald McDonald vs Joe Biden vs Happosai vs the Rapeman in a contest to see how many innocent girls they can molest on the NYC subway system in a 48 hour crime spree.
>>449
All Basques do is sit around all day and smoke cigarettes. That's not enough to stop a league of battle hardened Indo-Europeans with their subject object verb syntax and minimal inflection, all of which allow for rapid communication. Basques are no match with their cumbersome ergative case. But wait! A group of marauding semites from North Africa have entered the fray. Neither Basque nor Indo-European can match the high precision and portability of Andalusian Arabic. While the Basques are mesmerized, the Indo-Europeans are too busy re-issuing orders and staring at each other in abject confusion. As their troops spend precious minutes trying to parse sentences and figure out what their orders mean, they are cut down by semetic steel. The Basques mostly surrender but not without some resistance. Their terrorist campaign fails to leave any impression on the Arabs who are far more skilled at bombings. The WTC is detonated to remind the Basques of their new masters.
>>451
Zombie vs stoner
>>450
A zombie's primary mode of attack is the slowly shuffling undead swarm, which is rendered less than inevitable by his not having appeared in a swarm. This makes him singularly vulnerable to that of the rankest amateur of all lapidators, i.e. those who've participated in at least one Arabian death sentence. The outcome is that the zed cops a big rock to his rotten soft domepiece and expires from splattered brain, leaving the stoner to spark up a fat doob in victory.
>>452
Shakespeare vs. a shaking spearman
>>451
Shakespeare was an actor as well as a playwright, and judging by the violent content of a lot of his plays, there's a good chance he had at least some experience fighting (even if it was only staged). Unfortunately, he's at a distinct disadvantage here, being unarmed and unarmoured up against someone with a weapon. Realistically, the bard is only going to win if he can disarm the spearman. I see two ways forward for him: first, a quick lunge forward past the range of the tip of the spear, then wrestling it from his opponent's hands, or second, staying well out of reach and counting on the spearman throwing his weapon like a javelin and missing. Both are very risky. It's possible the spearman's tremor may make his grip and aim slightly worse, but I'd say the odds are still 70/30 in his favour.
>>453
Wikipe-tan vs ME-tan.
>>452
ME-tan attempts to sit on Wikipe-tan to crush her with the bloat that was her birthright. Unfortunately the passing years have made ME-tan's 2000-era 64 megabyte minimum requirement positively miniscule compared to the heinous bulk of JavaScript with which Wikipe-tan is belarded, so it's like a gnat trying to choke out an elephant. Eventually Wikipe-tan reverses the position and ME-tan bluescreens before tapping out.
>>454
Dickgirl vs. pussyboy
>>457
Due to ( ･ิω･ิ)'s public exhibitionism, (´<_｀ ) is convinced ( ･ิω･ิ) is really a VIPPER in disguise. His suspicions turn out to be correct.
Taking the initiative, ( ･ิω･ิ) summons the spirit of DADDY COOL. However, due to being incorporeal and physically weak, he doesn't help very much.
>>459
Stephen Wolfram vs. Gerald Sussman
>>459
Darkness hides in the corner and casts shadows where light cannot reach, remaining undefeated in the indefinite term. Light finally succumbs to the cold dark end of all things where all stars have gone out and even the most distant cosmic light has attenuated to naught, but it'll take her billions upon billions of years.
>>461
Salt vs. vinegar
>>461
Sauron was vanquished when his favorite piece of bling fell into a volcano, whereas Cthulhu is often stated to be unkillable and there is no reason to doubt this. The best Sauron can hope for is a stalemate, probably because Cthulhu can't even be bothered to wake up to react to his puny attacks.
>>463
Faggot (bundle of sticks) vs faggot (meatball)
>>468
Judging by the streams, mists, and lush vegetation, it sounds like Ember's going to have a tough time getting a good forest fire going. I reckon Seraph's going to extinguish him and his army without much trouble.
>>470
You vs a survival horror game-style physical incarnation of your greatest fear. You are permitted any generic survival horror protagonist weapons of your choice (steel pipe, pistol, shotgun, etc.)
>>469
My greatest fear as an aging autist and wizard is sex with a woman. Since a twisted incarnation of a naked human female shouldn’t be that hard to kill, I’d win pretty easily. I guess I’d pick the most proportionate weapon: the rock drill from Silent Hill. We all know how those disturbingly erotic nurses can be bullet sponges on the highest difficulty level, but they are easily turned to mince meat by the rock drill. Since the quickest way to kill someone is the most humane, the rock drill is the most merciful way to dispatch the succubus.
>>471
Tsunami vs a sea of lava erupting from a mega volcano
Dio Brando might be formidable and named after GOD a but even he has to sleep. Homura Akemi has the opportunity to kill him in a nightmare, which movies have taught me lead to death irl.
>>473
A hipster vegan California valley girl vs the gluten demon
>>473
According to https://pvpoke.com/battle/1500/ho_oh/moltres/11/17-1-2/1-5-1/,
>Ho-Oh loses in 42.5s with a battle rating of 196
>6 turns of difference can flip this scenario. It is somewhat vulnerable to energy, IV, or lag factors.
>>475
Guy who can only speak in timecube.com quotes vs guy who can only speak in gay porn quotes. Public debate about the morality of pissing in public swimming pools.
>>474
Gay porn quotes guy wins by virtue of being the only one who can stay on topic. "Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed" might not be a particularly compelling argument, but it's better than incoherent and vaguely derisive rambling about God and geometry.
>>476
Meat Boy (Super Meat Boy) vs Isaac (The Binding of Isaac).
>>479
It doesn't count as winning if your opponent is too depressed to get out of bed and show up at the fight location. Given his obesity, I doubt Strong Sad could stomach Salad Fingers anyway. He gives up without even touching his plate.
>>481
Kitchen staff of The Rei's Diner vs McDonalds kitchen staff
>>483
Sisyphus is likely swole as shit from pushing a boulder for all eternity, while Prometheus is chained to a rock and gets bullied by an eagle. I think Sisyphus wins this round.
Noa Izumi and Alphonse (Patlabor) vs. Leona Ozaki and Bonaparte (Dominion Tank Police)