[VIOLENCE] ITT we decide who would win the fight set up by the poster above us (500)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 00:15

Clonepa or Superman?

2 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 04:52

Clonepa, if you kill one of him two more will jump out of a cloning vat to take his place.

Duke Nukem or Superman?

3 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 07:23

Duke Nukem cause Clonepa already kicked superman's ass

4 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 10:38

What do I say?

5 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 17:02


6 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 18:46

Mittens would totally lose that fight.

Godzilla vs. Batman - In Gotham, but Godzilla has the element of surprise.

7 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 19:37


Kenshiro vs. Haruhi

8 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 20:32

Kenshiro dominates the talent portion but Haruhi takes it all home with the swimsuit competition.

a midget V a dwarf

9 Name: heh man!fi.Jek4HW6!!gGKYHXFO : 1993-09-5792 20:53


>Kenshiro dominates the talent portion but Haruhi takes it all home with the swimsuit competition.


>a midget V a dwarf


geese howard vs wolfgang krauser

10 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 20:59

answer the fucking question or we don't fucking answer yours

11 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 21:34

>>9 I fucking hate you

12 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 21:41

fuck you

13 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 01:27

krauser coz he be burnin

calvin klein vs a bathing ape

14 Name: heh man!fi.Jek4HW6!!gGKYHXFO : 1993-09-5793 06:36


A bathing ape, for no reason at all.

Versus VS. Versus

15 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 06:57

 ( ゚ m゚) I'm not into the whole triple-posting thing.
 (   )

Also, dwarf. Have you seen those pickaxes?

16 Name: heh man!fi.Jek4HW6!!gGKYHXFO : 1993-09-5793 11:50

Okay dwarf

Now answer my question.

Versus VS Versus

17 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 12:13

Versus, obviously. Also ur gay.

Mac vs a PC with no games.

18 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 15:04

While the PC is clearly weak versus virus, the Mac has no virus-elemental attack (despite what hollywood would have you believe) as it's only use is as a fashion accessory. PC wins through sheer marketshare.

My Dad VS Your Dad

19 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 15:08

My dad died so I guess yours wins I suppose.

Beady Eyes vs. Smug Fathead.

20 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 15:13

( ・-・) Me, because 20get

( ・-・) Enrico Pucci vs. Goenitz

21 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 18:00

GIS reveals they are clearly the same character. Therefore, this must be a man vs himself scenario, In which case, I give a 58 to 1 odds that he overcomes his demons and becomes a more complete human being in the process. The demons in this case, by viewing images of the man in question, are probably either shopaholism or a mild to moderate stutter.

Jack Nicholson (1974) VS Robert Redford (1972); bare knuckle boxing, no hitting below the belt. Winner determined not by outcome of match but by who Bridgette Bardot (1961) runs to after the match, with tears in her eyes.

22 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5793 23:22

> Bridgette

This does not sound like the most legit of the Bardots. I doubt either of them would intentionally allow him to ran to them, which means that the only person who would stick around after the match would be the loser, who under those terms would be found the winner. And that obviously would be Jack Nicholson.

Laser Kirby vs. Sword Kirby

23 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5795 18:04

Sword, except when there's a lot of angled surfaces to make the lasers bounce all over.

Elevators vs Escalators

24 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5795 20:32

Elevators, because you can't transport heavy machinery by escalator.

Mariko Morikawa versus Miyabi Hayama

25 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5795 21:03

Mariko, because more k's in the name mean more power.

75 Dodge Tradesman van vs 75 Ford Econoline 350 van.

26 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 05:44

75 Ford Ekonoline 350 van, because more k's in the name mean more power.

Two lvl. 3 mages or a lvl. 6 warrior?

27 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 08:53

The warrior. He has more speed, which means he gets the first attack and one-hits the first mage. The second mage, being lv3, has no spells that are actually useful and pretty crappy physical stats, so he might manage to knock a few HP off the warrior, but he'll get pounded too in the end.

Brut vs. Old Spice

28 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 14:00

As it is notoriously difficult to convince cologne to engage in fisticuffs, I would have to determine the winner by which athelete sponsored each brand. The Internet tells me that Brut has been sponsored in the past by Joe Namath and Cassius Clay among others, while Old Spice has some NASCAR guy. Bruce Campbell, while very manly, can not save this match.
Winner is Brut, with Old Spice's weary, aging, broken body gasping for breath under the pressure of three broken ribs, one collapsed lung and critical head trauma that will most certainly leave Old Spice mentally feeble for the rest of it's natural life.

HAL9000 VS SKYNET; chess match, no interference.

29 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 14:21

>Bruce Campbell, while very manly, can not save this match.

I shall say good day to you, sir.

30 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 15:19

Epic fail.

Kirby versus Mario

31 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 17:27

Yes indeed.


32 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 18:24

DQN, idiots are more accomplished fighters than VIPPERS.

One's left fist vs one's right elbow

33 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 19:15

The outcome would depend on whether one is left-handed, right-handed, or ambidextrous. In the final case, the elbow would win as the bone and cartilage is much more massive in that area, giving it greater resilience and allowing it to land much more devastating blows.

Ngo Dinh Diem vs Syngman Rhee

34 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 19:35

I refuse to research these gentlemen or genteel women to determine the winner, so I will flip a coin... it rolled under the desk so I'm going to have to give this one to Superman.

Thread Structure VS Serial Derailment

35 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5796 22:03

i am a heron. i haev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak. if you dont repost this comment in 10 other threds i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans

Daisies versus dandelions

36 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5797 08:43

Dandelions. Their advantage lies mainly in their huge taproot, capable of regenerating the rest of the plant should it go missing.

Chuck Norris vs Bill Nye

37 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5797 08:52

Bill is the more accomplished banjoist of the two. Otherwise, I don't exactly see how someone who seriously thinks global warming is seriously affected by anthropogenically-produced carbon dioxide can win against a man who does not sleep.

Longcat vs Widedog

38 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5797 16:02

Longcat is loooooooooooooooooooooooooong, as long as the universe itself. Widedog could travel for 100's of 1000s of lightyears and never find a vulnerable spot on Longcat.

LOLcat -vs- LOLrus...

39 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5797 21:10

If you convert letters of their names into ASCII codes and sum them up then LOLrus > LOLcat.

VOC@LOID Hatsune Miku vs UTAU Kasane Teto

40 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5797 23:55

Hatsune Miku is printed on 10,000 as many pillows as UTAU Kasane Teto, therefore Hatsune Miku wins.

VW TDI sportwagon versus Toyota Prius

41 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5798 00:47

The Volkswagen because you get in cheaper if you're driving a VW

Air-cooled VW vs. water-cooled VW?

42 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5798 21:36

Air cooled VW because VW makes to much plastic junk that breaks eaily in their cooling systems.

Beijing versus Los Angeles

43 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5799 02:22

Beijing probably has even more smog than LA. LA attacks, then suffocates.

Steve Albini vs Mark E Smith

44 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5799 06:02

At first I was going to say that Mark E. Smith is older and therefore wiser, but personally I like how Steve Albini looks on the photo on wikipedia encyclopaedia.
So I declare Steve Albini to be WINNER !

Ibaraki vs. Saitama!

45 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5799 15:36

                \ │ /
                 / ̄\  / ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
               ─( ゚ ∀ ゚ )< IBARAKI!
                 \_/  \_________
                / │ \
                    ∩ ∧ ∧∩ / ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄\ ∩∧ ∧∩\( ゚∀゚)< IBARAKI IBARAKI IBARAKI!
IBARAKI〜〜!    >( ゚∀゚ )/ |    / \__________
________/ |    〈 |   |
              / /\_」 / /\」
               ̄     / /

Krispy Kreme vs Dunkin Donuts

46 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5799 23:37

Dunkin Donuts has never given me a free donut when I walked in. Krispy Kreme has. Therefore, Krispy Kreme wins.

Magikarp vs Metapod

47 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5800 00:04

Magikarp! karp! karp!

Steam vs. Playonline

48 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5800 21:52

This fight basically comes down to who is more tenacious: PC gamers or Final Fantasy kids? I'm going with the FF kids, so Playonline wins.

Old Eddie Murphy movies vs. Relatively new episodes of Pokemon

49 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5801 06:57

The new Pokemon: DP (double penetration) episodes would kick the shit out of Eddie Murphy.

>>48 VS. >>49

50 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5801 09:40

>>49 would due to the fact that >>48 will die of old age before >>49.

Abacus vs Calculator

51 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5801 09:51

( ´ω`) In the hands of a decent operator, abacus excels at the basic four functions, hands-down; it has everything to do with input speed, which the numeric pad is not so hot at. When it comes to more complex calculations, however, the calculator wins. It is a toss-up all depending on what calculations you need done, and where those calculations should be stored.

( ´ω`) Nothing beats the slide rule for mathematician/engineer/geek cred, though.

Clonepa vs Darkpa

52 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5801 15:51

( `ハ´) Would I be challenging one of them or the Clonepa Collective?

53 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5802 07:47

As established in >>2, you can not fight only one Clonepa.
Ergo, the winner is Clonepa.

Marvel vs. Capcom

54 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5802 08:18


Powerthirst vs. your mother

55 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5802 11:21

Your mother.

Praktica MTL 5B vs. Horizon S3pro

56 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5803 18:33

Whichever wins, it is then beaten by any number of software that will turn several images taken with your standard camera into one single panoramic image.

John Conner VS John McClane VS John Rambo VS John Matrix VS John Spartan VS John Constantine VS John Kimble

57 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5804 10:03

Assuming that all combatants are fighting at the same time, the eventual winner will have to possess strength, stamina, intelligence and previous battle experience. John looks to be the favourite on paper due to his obvious proficiency in firearms, but this is a trait shared also by John, John, John and John (this is of course assuming that there are weapons available at all). In unarmed combat, John would have the slight edge over the others thanks to his powerful build, but depending on the arena's environment the same build could put him at a disadvantage as far as maneuverability is concerned. John, John and to a certain extent John all possess what can only be referred to as 'plothax', therefore being able to survive what could very well defeat a lesser man, but it is important not to place too much significance on said ability. As far as stamina is concerned John probably has the edge, but I could easily see John, John, John and even John given him a good run for his money, so this is not enough to triumph in this battle. I suppose what this really comes down to, however, is the fighters ability to please the crowd; what's the use in winning a fight if the audience calls for your blood instead of your foes? Of course, John is the clear winner in the respect, even John would have to admit that his charisma far surpasses anyone else fighting here, and when coupled with his smarts, his combat strength and his pure resiliency it is clear who the survivor of this battle royale would be; John by a mile.

A Western comic book nerd VS a Japanese otaku

58 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5804 10:57

If it's going to be a physical confrontation between them then it will depend on fighting skills.
In this case a comic book nerd will have an advantage in both armed and unarmed combat, because of sheer "kapow", "slam" and "boom" frames in his comic books. They usually depict a clear picture of a superhero hitting villians (or vice versa). In manga the best ninjas and samurai often turn into clouds or movement lines, so the reader basically sees the result of battle instead of movements.

So as I stated above a western comic book nerd will have more advanced theoretical combat skill and therefore has a better chance to win.

Vladimir Putin vs. Junichiro Koizumi

59 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5805 01:25

Vladimir Putin, being ex-KGB, can kill a man with a cold stare.
The fight begins with a bow and then ... Junichiro Koizumi does the only honorable thing and cuts his own belly open with a katana to avoid the shame of defeat.

Richard Nixon VS Lester B Pearson

60 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5805 20:29

There ain't a diplomat dead or alive who's ass Nixon can't kick.

Mazinger Z vs. The Iron Giant

61 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5806 09:09

Unless Mazinger could successfully utilize a Koushiryoku Beam or Pocket Punch early on this will quickly become a battle of attrition, and given that Mazinger Zs human pilot would need sustanance that THe Iron Giant obviously would not it is clear who would emerge victorious.

Afika Bambaataa VS DJ Sharpnel

62 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5817 17:05

The nigga cuz them thugs and shit so they can beat up them azn who watch cartoons all day.

Racism or xenophobia?

63 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5823 23:14

Xenophobia because it hurts those who immigrate illegally.

2girls1cup or swap.avi?

64 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5823 23:25

swap.avi because they'll last longer.

Phoenix Wright vs. Battler (Umineko no Naku Koro ni)

65 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5823 23:27

Phoenix Wright paralyzes the enemy in fear when he shouts OBJECTION!

Duct tape or electrical tape?

66 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5824 00:29

Duct tape. Come on, it's duct tape. It can do anything.

Carpeting or hard floors?

67 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5824 00:46

hard floors because when something gets spilled on carpet it is hard to remove.

Top Gun or After Burner

68 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5824 12:31

After Burner because Top Gun is gay.

Cilla Black vs Sandie Shaw vs Lulu

69 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5830 23:06

Sandie Shaw because if the other two try to form an alliance, the name Sandie Shaw would take more time to discuss.

VW R32 or Subaru WRX?

70 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5833 23:32

As I could not find crash test ratings for either vehicle, I will have to give the victory in a head-on collision to the VW R32. Reason being it has only two doors and a higher curb weight. But I'm also biased against hood scoops. Safety of human drivers not guaranteed.

Gangster Planet VS Nazi Planet

71 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5834 18:47

Nazi Planet, the gangster planet would be too rife with infighting to be able to carry on a decent fight.

An ant that looks like a spider vs a spider that looks like an ant.

72 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5834 20:07

A spider that looks like an ant, because it can still shot webs at the imposter spider-ant.

The Mothership from the movie Independence Day or a Titan from Eve online.

73 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5834 23:13

The Titan is immune to all kinds of electronic warfare, while the mothership was taken down with a MacBook and a nuke. The Titan wins, easily.

Darth Vader vs. Brock Samson

74 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5835 17:59

At first, I gathered this a simple victory for Darth Vader. But then I considered the essential rule of 'Good Guys Win' and that Darth Vader is at heart a scared little child. But then it became clear that this Brock Samson is just a good guy, not the good guy, more of a sidekick. In the end Brock Samson, like Obi-Wan Kenobi before him, sacrifices himself as the means to completion of some other goal. Most likely to protect the good guy.

Dr. Phil VS Judge Judy

75 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5835 20:13

Dr. Phil, he'd put Judge Judy in a hole in his back yard with the other judges that tried to convict him.

Arizona VS. Arizona Iced Tea

76 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5837 02:30

Arizona because any iced tea will quickly evaporate in Arizona.

Bugs Bunny or The Angry Video Game Nerd?

77 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5837 21:58

Bugs Bunny creates a Lady Video Game Nerd out of TNT, a dress, and a blonde wig. The Angry Video Game Nerd, not being a cartoon, is washed off the floor, walls and ceiling with a hose. And most unfortunately he had no extra lives or continues left.

Charles Manson VS John Wayne Gacy

78 Name: Lord Pentium!PG1mP76kIY : 1993-09-5838 21:35

Gacy would be too busy raping little boys to notice that a member of Manson's "family", jacked up on LSD and thinking that Gacy is responsible for Manson's failure to break into the record industry before his conviction, is sneaking up behind him with a knife. Just as Gacy releases his load in little Johnny's anus, the drugged-up woman slits his throat. She then proceeds to kill Johnny in the same manner, and then dies after another hit.

Morgoth and Sauron vs. champions Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine

79 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5839 00:09

Darth Vader and and Emperor Palpatine because more fanboys give them support.

Card Captor Sakura or Sailor Moon?

80 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5840 01:46

Card Captor Sakura can make herself massive and then just step on Sailor Moon. Or she could make herself tiny, enter Sailor Moon's nose, climb up to her brain and then use the fire card to burn it, before quickly making her escape. She may be a little girl, but she's fucking lethal.


81 Name: heh man!fi.Jek4HW6!!gGKYHXFO : 1993-09-5841 01:24


Terry Bogard vs. Hotaru Futaba

82 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5841 01:50

We've been over this a gazillion times. THERE. IS. NO. CLEAR. WINNER.

http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1202850490 vs http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1227718476

83 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5841 07:14

http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1202850490 had 0.213 posts per day, but http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1227718476 had 0.2995, so http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1227718476 is clearly the winner.

Tohno Shiki vs. Ryougi Shiki

84 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5841 19:20

Due to continued lazy refusal to look up either name, Ryougi is victorious because the name has more aesthetic appeal in print.

Unstoppable Force VS Immovable Object

85 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5841 23:27

Unstoppable Force, because it just plain breaks the immovable object into bits that do move.

Aztecs vs. Ancient Egyptians

86 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5842 01:53

The ancient Egyptians were much better at drawing than the Aztecs were and they also made their home in the middle of a fucking desert as opposed to a teeming rain forest, so I say Egyptians

A bird watcher vs. an insect collector

87 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5842 12:59

Insect Collectors are highly muscular and much more agile than lame binocular wielders. One of them could would crush a bird watching sissy like a rare beetle.

Aaron Burr vs. Alexander Hamilton the rematch (Cage match)

88 Name: Lord Pentium!PG1mP76kIY : 1993-09-5842 19:07

Burr won by cheating the first time, however since then Hamilton has managed to turn his visage into a weapon. He's also learned to stop time. Think ZA WARUDO with $10 bills replacing Dio Brando's knives, and you know why Hamilton would be victorious this time.

Shigeru Miyamoto vs. ZUN

89 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5856 19:31

ZUN unleashes a bullet hell attack while Shigeru is still questing for the Master Sword with his three hearts life bar. The result is a misty pink death for Miyamoto and victory for ZUN.

Eric Foreman (That 70's Show) VS Eric Foreman (House M.D.)

90 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5856 19:46

Dr. Foreman because he is black and would obviously be a thug.

East Coast Rap vs. West Coast Rap

91 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5858 00:32

East Coast Rap because the smog on the west coast more quickly destroys the lungs of West Coast Rappers.

92 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5858 01:58

Will the fresh prince of bel-air vs. Zack Morris

93 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5858 19:21

It's no secret Will fled across the contenintal united states when he got in one little fight. The fact that his mom sent him to Bel-Air, and he did not even flee of his own accord, only reveals his nature as a sissy. Zack Morris wins by default as Will does not even show up for the fight. 'Very special episodes' of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Saved By The Bell follow.

Flaming Carrot vs. Earthworm Jim

94 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5858 21:55

Flaming Carrot, because even best friends fear him a little!

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers vs. Mexico's military

95 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5858 23:26

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, because the best weapons Mexico has are lowrider Chevy Impalas with hydraulics and shitloads of flashy colors. A giant mecha or 2 can crush them all.

Sailor Mercury versus Sailor Jupiter

96 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5863 19:01

Sailor Jupiter because she's hotter.

The KKK versus Jackson 5.

97 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5863 21:47

Jackson 5. Lord knows they all can take a beating, and Michael could probably take on the whole KKK single-handedly.

George Clinton vs. the entire Bootsy's Rubber Band.

98 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 01:51

Difficult one. Against anyone else, George Clinton would easily be able to overpower them with funk, and cause them to do the Cosmic Slop to the death. Saying this, he has far more up his sleeve than even the entirety of the Rubber Band have - after all, he has fought wars of Armageddon, he has stood on the verge of getting it on, he has tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe and he freed the minds and asses of countless mortals. The rest of the Rubber Band would fall to him within the first hour; only Bootsy would be left. The remaining battle would be a ridiculous synth-laden 10 year jam battle that would cause all life in the world to implode from sheer funkiness, all that would be left would be Clinton's glasses. However, then the soul of Eddie Hazel would lead the souls of everything that ever lived into the new universe, Ideon-style.

Daddy Cool vs Squeeks

99 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 03:09

While Squeeks was out backpacking the world Daddy Cool was building up his funds and amassing an army of loyal VIPPERS to do his bidding. Based on that I say Daddy Cool.

People who duble post vs. people who don't refresh the page before they post

100 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 13:49

People who double post, because they are willing to put up with abuse while people who don't refresh the page are just forgetful.

101 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 13:50


People who don't refresh the page before they post vs. people who forget to do the second part of a two-part thread until after clicking Reply?

102 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 18:39

People who double post, because they are willing to put up with abuse while people who don't posit a deathmatch scenerio are just forgetful.

Pitt the Elder VS Lord Palmerston

103 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5864 19:18

Pitt the elder would against Palmerston initially but Palmerston would then use his power of manipulation to get Pitt kicked out of power.

Olde Fortran vs. The Earl Of Doncaster

104 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5871 15:56

( ゚ m゚) I'm not really into the whole violence thing.
(   )

105 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5872 02:38

The poster above gets punched in the mouth

Fruit flies vs. House flies

106 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5872 05:38

House flies, they're much bigger.

Bull semen vs. monkey dung

107 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5872 21:24

Assuming we are talking about the excretions alone here, and not dealing with the animals as well, I will have to give this one to the monkey dung. Shit has staying power. Who ever heard of fossilized semen?

Ralph Fiennes vs. Liam Neeson

108 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6104 14:01

The one who carries out and is w will be the deciding factor

lion vs. tiger

109 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6104 23:46

Lion and Tiger make sweet love, and produce a Liger, which is pretty much my favourite animal, all of the time. That said, as it is neseccary the lion be the male in this pairing, the lion wins, because man > woman, always, except in some species of insects and arachnids where the female consumes the male after mating.

Pazuzu Vs Baphomet

110 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6122 19:50

Baphomet, because who ever heard of Pazuzu?

Guybrush Threepwood vs April Ryan

111 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6175 21:15

Guybrush Threepwood wins because he can summon more British football fans to side with him.

LJN NES games versus Ocean NES Games

112 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7249 22:36

Ocean NES games, because it rolls off the tongue quite nicely, unlike LJN NES games.

Hakurei Reimu vs. Saya from Saya no Uta

113 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7250 05:07

Reimu because bloomers > all

Miles "Tails" Prower vs Shinji Icari

114 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7250 16:30

Shinji giant robots are more powerful than twin tails.

Brahman or Jesus

115 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7250 16:46

Definitely Brahman. Jesus got his backside handed to him by a bunch of Romans - humans for crying out loud, how embarrassing - and only revived because his dad intervened. Brahman is an inconceivable infinite something-or-other, so I'm sure he can use his powers to destroy Jesus somehow.

You vs. ten angry cats

116 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7250 21:26

The ten angry cats. I don't have my weapons-grade pumpkin at hand.

Espeon vs Tokiko

117 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7250 21:35

Tokiko is more annoying but Espeon's posts are more cringeworthy. Espeon probably wins based on tenacity, but ideally the two would somehow annihilate one another leaving them both dead or otherwise unable to post.

Anhedonia vs. suicidal ideation

118 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-7251 13:48

Rude, >>117.
No, they aren't. No, I don't. No, we wouldn't. Keep lying to everybody, but don't lie to yourself. Tokiko and I chatted happily on the wider internet, and guess what? I'm posting with a tripcode right now invalidating your hateful, uneducated opinion.

Back to topic, anhedonia would probably win. According to Wikipedia social anhedonia remains stable throughout life, whilst a person with suicidal ideation might harm himself or get forced into treatment. Anhedonia is also listed as one of suicidal ideation symptoms, so it can be that bad.

>>117 VS. butter knife in his hand.

119 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7251 14:43

The butter knife, being an inanimate object, is at a severe disadvantage here. The best it can hope for is that >>117 trips over in such an awkward way that it ends up lodged in >>117's eye. Otherwise, >>117 is the clear winner here.

>>117 vs. demonically possessed butter knife.

120 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7251 14:46

>>119 While a butter knife may have evil radiating from it due to demonic possession, it still does not have legs or other appendages to move itself, so unless it talks >>>117 into stabbing himself it would still lose.

The entire cast of RAW or the owner of the Voynich Hotel.

121 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7252 15:36

If they work together, I suspect that the cast of RAW could, between them, overpower the Voynich Hotel owner. Realistically, there's likely to be a fair amount of infighting on the RAW side, so if the owner plays his cards right he could come out victorious.

Darkpa vs. a dalek.

122 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7252 22:48

Of course its Darkpa. However if you had've said Dälek instead maybe it would be a different story, it's hard to imagine Darkpa up against Swollen Tongue Bums.

My left hand vs. my right hand.

123 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7252 23:13

87.5% right. Still a chance for the left to win though.

10 Donkey Kongs vs 700 Pomeranians

124 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7253 00:00

For the Donkeys to win, they would have to take on (on average) 70 pomeranians each. Despite being decent fighters, I doubt they could survive the onslaught of the smaller animals, purely due to quantity. However, were the pomerianans to attack individually, I could see the Donkey Kongs winning easily.

Kaz Hiarai VS Reggie Fils-Aime

125 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7253 00:02

Reggie is a hearty guy, so you'd expect him to win. However, Kaz is Asian which means he's an expert in Karate. Kaz with the upset.

Frog vs toad

126 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7253 01:26

At first I thought you meant Frog from Chrono Trigger and Toadstool, which would have been a no-brainer as Frog has the Masamune sword. Even if he didn't however, he could punch Toadstool and be done with it.

Between a frog and a toad however, it would seem a toad has the ability to swallow most things one would not expect it to. This probably includes frogs, so no matter what tactic the frog uses it would eventually be eaten alive.

Immanuel Kant vs a house cat

127 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7253 12:47

Kant has been dead for 200 years, so the house cat would win by default. Even if Kant was alive, though, he'd get so wound up imagining a world in which everyone attacked cats that he wouldn't be able to attack it himself. This is a clear victory for the house cat.

( ゚ ヮ゚) vs (・∀・)

128 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7254 01:26

(・∀・) distracts ( ゚ ヮ゚) with OPPAI and attacks.
(・∀・) Wins!

FC3S Turbo Mazda RX-7 or Mazda RX-8?

129 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7255 00:13

Mazda RX-8, because 8 > 7, and putting meaningless numbers/letters and the word "turbo" in front of the name is clearly nothing more than a marketing ploy.

Yukari Yakumo vs Loki

130 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7255 22:47

Loki because, honestly, there's nobody trickier. #1 tricks.

Funeral attendees vs Wedding attendees. Assume both have the same number of attendees.

131 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7256 22:24

My first instinct was that the funeral attendees would be too distraught and weepy - not to mention averse to further death - to put up a serious fight. But it really depends on context. Beyond a certain point in the wedding, the guests tend to become rather inebriated, which would severely limit their fighting capabilities, and the funeral attendees could under certain circumstances end up with the "nothing left to lose" mentality which would make them quite formidable opponents. I suppose my money's on the wedding attendees, but it may well be a close one.

The Great Sky Loli vs the entire population of Luxembourg

132 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7257 05:05

Luxembourg because they'd resurrect Brandenburg and get the the gang back together and get a big old Holy Roman Empire war going.

Spinached up Popeye vs Popeye with no spinach, but he has superman powers.

133 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7257 10:54

Despite Superman's poor performance in >>1-3, Superman powers would actually be very helpful in this fight. In particular, flying out of reach of spinached Popeye would give unspinached Popeye a huge advantage, probably enough to win.

Kasodani Kyouko vs Sakura Kyouko vs Toshinou Kyouko vs Irisu Kyouko

134 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7257 20:16

I'm just gonna say Toshinou Kyouko cause i like her the most, seriously she's the best. Not from Yuru Yuri though, thats Yui.

A japanese businessman vs. A downs syndrome man with no arms

135 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7257 20:35

The Japanese business man since he most likely has arms and normal brain functions.

Cumulonimbus vs cirrus

136 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7258 09:53

Cumulonimbus wins through vertical superiority.

The ghost of Biggie vs. The spirit of Tupac possessing two present-day rappers (who?)

137 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7258 22:10

Trick question; everyone knows rappers don't have souls. The winner is Clonepa.

Fourier transform vs Laplace transform

138 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7306 18:41

Fourier transforms can carry out w in only the most contrived of cases, whereas your average Laplace transform can not only carry out but actually be w. Also, "Laplace" rolls of the tongue much easier than "Fourier".

http://secretareaofvipquality.net/saovq/ vs http://sageru.org/index.html

139 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8355 08:48

Sageru would win even blindfolded and with both hands tied behind its back.

Cardcaptor Sakura vs mecha-Hitler armed with chain guns from Wolfenstein 3D

140 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8359 01:20

Kinomoto Sakura-chan wins any fight of course, if she has Sakura Cards. It's simple: The Time !! The Erase !!

Or she could just make him into a clow card. The Mecha-Hitler !!

      ▼\          /▼
       \ \      / /
        \  ~⌒~⌒⌒ \/
         (      ,   ― ‘
         (   γ γ~   \
 |\      |   |  / 从从) )  / ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
  \ \    |  ヽ | | l  l |〃 <    さくら怪獣じゃないもん!
  / /    /   `wハ~ ーノ)   \_________________
  \ \   /          / \
   \ \|          _)
    ●●/   \_)    /
     ●|          /
        \       ⊃⊃

If it was beginner Kinomoto Sakura, it becomes a hard fight. I think her skating evade abilities are extremely top tier, but Mecha-Hitler's rapid fire would be hard to outskate, even with her wall-riding abilities. But I still think Sakura would win. Hitler would be dazzled by her beauty and unable to shoot such a cute thing. So, it's not possible to win against her even if she is beginner mode and you are stronger.

Berserker (Lancelot) vs tanasinn∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴

141 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8359 19:49

While no one can doubt Berserker's fighting prowess, one must be∴r in m∵nd t∴∵t∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴e∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵
∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴un∴ble t∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵
∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴a∴∵th∵ walrus ∴∵k∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴∵∴
∴∵∴∵o∵ably w∴∵∴∵n't ev∴∵ be eno∵gh left of him to bury.

The Wizard of Yendor vs Erina from Rabi-Ribi (with backup from Ribbon)

142 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8360 02:42

I have no idea who they are, so the coin toss says the Wizard takes home the trophy.

Aaahnold vs. 30 5-year-olds hell-bent on murder.

143 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8360 03:45

the governator is old and bad, murderous children have the advantage, so them I guess.

Sunred vs. one-punch man

144 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8360 08:02

An easy win for Saitama. The fight is over before it's begun.

Hanako (from Katawa Shoujo) vs Hanako (from Anne Happy) vs Hanako (Princess Hitachi) vs Hanako (the lonely elephant, as she was before death)

145 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8360 20:06

I'd put my money on princess Hitachi as an elephant as old as Hanako would probably accept death, and the rest are 2D fucking drawings so just use an eraser.

Hitler or Mussolini, hand to hand.

146 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-8360 20:19

Mussolini no contest.

Mike Myers vs Jim Carrey

147 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 03:37

Jim Carrey starts off strong by putting the Mask from the movie "The Mask" on, but Myers brings it right back at him by transforming into Shrek. Carry unloads a full tommy gun clip into Myers, but to no avail, because Shrek is just a CG animation. Carry then removes the mask and becomes ACE VENTURA and summons an army of assorted animals to attack Myers. Myers can no longer take it so he transforms into Austin Powers and bites off all of the monsters heads with his large teeth. As Ace, Carry is woeful at the loss of all of his animal friends. Carry gives up Mike Myers wins.

C9 Mango VS. Reynad

148 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 20:57

Reynad's forehead strikes terror into even the greatest of men. Mango is no match.

Queen Elizabeth II armed with a crossbow vs Emperor Akihito armed with a shortsword

149 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 21:07

Lizzy is a skilled sharpshooter and ten'nou heika is working on plans to abdicate due to poor health, plus the natural disadvantage of having a melee weapon against someone with a ranged weapon. Elizabeth II is the clear winner, I think.

10 clones of Hulk Hogan in his prime vs an enraged silverback gorilla.

150 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 21:39

This comes down to the Donkey Kongs vs Pomeranians issue seen in >>123,124; namely, does the silverback fight the Hulk Hogans one by one or all at once? One by one, I can see this being an easy win for the gorilla, but against all at once, even some basic coordination could result in one or two Hogans holding down each limb, safely incapacitating the gorilla.

A little girl dressed in boys' clothing vs a little boy dressed in girls' clothing

151 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 22:41

Boys are stronger than girls plus the added freedom of a dress will improve the boy's movement capabilities.

Fingers vs toes

152 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8361 23:59

It comes down to STR vs DEX: the toes are stronger, but the fingers more agile. I would expect fingers to win because they can cooperate better.

153 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8362 00:01

>>152 (cont)
Kujo Jotaro vs. Kirby

154 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8362 21:53

Unless Kirby can inhale him absolutely instantly and stay like that, Jotaro's Star Platinum will squish him like a bug.

You vs your sibling closest to you in age, both parties armed with daggers.

155 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8365 04:00

Definitely my lil bro; though I have more endurance, he's taller and stronger and would end me quickly.

Monsanto vs. Pfizer

156 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8365 08:09

Pfizer has a small army of synthetic chemists armed with nasty chemicals; Monsanto just has a bunch of harmless farmers and biologists. It'll be a protracted battle given how spread out Monsanto is, but ultimately my money's on Pfizer.

Captain America vs Captain Metaphysics

157 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8365 14:23

Both would win according to their own definition of winning.

An old man vs Death

158 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8365 20:25

The old man may win the battle, but Death will win the war.

One elephant-sized crocodile vs twenty pig-sized crocodiles, all at the same time.

159 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8366 00:11

It sounds like the size difference is pure scaling, so by the square cube law the elephant-sized crocodile will be at a significant disadvantage. I'm giving it to the pig-sized ones.

The cast of Azumanga Daioh (sans Sakaki and Kagura) vs the cast of Hidamari Sketch. Three days of prep time, supplies are whatever they could readily access and carry, but no foreknowledge of their opponents. The battlefield is about 4 square km of a deserted city (a la Escape From New York). Assume Osaka does not have access to true immortality.

160 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8367 19:41

When the two parties first catch sight of one another, having been expecting far worse enemies, they are so relieved that they all throw down their weapons and declare a truce. Together, they make introductions, chat, set up shelter and so on. After a few days, however, supplies begin running low, all avenues of escape have been exhausted, and it becomes obvious that whatever sick bastard forced them into this situation isn't letting anyone go until they've seen some carnage. Tensions rise. Arguments break out, factions form, lines are drawn in the sand. Shadows move in the darkness. The night air is rent by screams and incongruous giggling. When dawn breaks, the only survivor is Chiyo-chan gripping a bloodstained palette knife, hugging her knees and rocking back and forth, whispering under her breath "tsukurimashou, tsukurimashou..."

An adult tyrannosaurus rex vs a T-26 tank.

161 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8368 22:42

Tank cannon go boom. Lizard go splat.

Train vs airplane.

162 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8369 17:11

The airplane drops a bomb on the nearest railway station and that leaves the train stranded. The airplane wins.

Stephen King vs Steven Spielberg

163 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8369 19:40

Steven Spielberg, on virtue of both his ties to the Mossad and not being in a wheelchair.

Hakurei Reimu vs Batman

164 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8369 19:58

In an open arena, Reimu's levitation and indiscriminate curtain fire danmaku could easily overpower Batman. On the other hand, if it's in an enclosed space with cover available, and especially if Batman has the element of surprise, a single well-aimed batarang to the hitbox could probably bring down Reimu.

An applied mathematician vs a pure mathematician

165 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8380 22:20

An applied mathematician has the virtue of being able to apply his mathematics to whatever he may wish, and he is not confined to the blackboard. A pure mathematician is. Based on his expanded breadth of capabilities, the applied mathematician wins.

The community of DQN vs captcha

166 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8381 00:05

DQN becomes obsessed with making sentences using the captcha. Captcha uses this opportunity to deliver a powerful uppercut. Captcha wins.

The number 6 vs the number 7

167 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8381 01:58

6 is made to cease existing by the elitist superstructure and 7 wins by default.

An uncircumsized penis or the majestic 12.

168 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8381 18:14

The penis, being a non-sentient part of a greater being with no will of its own, is unlikely to be able to put up much of a fight. As the question does not specify any sort of accompaniment to the organ, meaning it is presumably just sitting there inanimate and defenceless, I'm going to have to give this one to the twelve.

Anna Karenina vs Nastasya Filipovna

169 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-8381 20:56

Nastasya's Roghozin assists will be the thing to really tip the scale in her favor.

The New York No Wave scene vs the early Japanese noise scene

170 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8385 21:02

Both sides blast noise at one another until they go deaf. The result is a draw.

Tatsuhiro Satō vs Ōba Yōzō

171 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8386 19:21

After a fruitless and crazy argument about who has the greatest inner pain, they both agree to a suicide pact and prepare to jump off a cliff. However, memories of Misaki stop Tatsuhiro at the last moment while Oba jumps off.

AKB48 vs. Morning Musume (top 10 members from each group)

172 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8394 10:41

All else being equal, AKB48 has a larger pool from which to draw combatants, plus they already survived that one handsaw attack, so I'd go with them.

Youmu Konpaku vs Miyamoto Musashi

173 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8462 13:44

Given that Youmu can fly, can fire waves of danmaku from a distance, and has a sword that can cut through literally anything, I'm pretty certain she's going to win this one.

A lion vs a polar bear

174 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8462 22:29

Lions are just fancy cats. Polar bears, on the other hand, are fancy bears. Polar Bear wins.

45 Kangaroos vs. The Dark Magician

175 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8463 22:07

According to the first result on Google, the Dark Magician is a small rectangular card with text and illustrations on it, which rather limits its offensive or defensive capabilities. I'm going to have to give this one to the kangaroos.

You with your arms from the elbows down replaced with chainsaws vs a grizzly bear with both hind legs broken.

176 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8464 03:33

The chainsaws are heavy, and I have no way of starting them. I run away as the bear drags itself by the front legs and eventually collapses. I win on paper, but can never truly rejoin society because of the chainsaw arms.

SpongeBob SquarePants vs a sea cucumber.

177 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-8464 04:26

SpongeBob has plot armor. He technically already defeated a sea cucumber indirectly in "I'm Your Biggest Fanatic"

An anime director vs a mangaka

178 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8464 07:22

Mangaka has superior wrist and finger strength, allowing them to snap the anime director's neck like a japanese twig.

Jerry Seinfeld with a rocket launcher vs an attack helicopter

179 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8464 14:45

The attack helicopter blasts Jerry Seinfeld while he's distracted thinking what's the deal with helicopter food.

A bus driver vs a taxi driver

180 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8464 17:09

The bus driver thinks he can easily take the taxi driver being in the bigger and stronger vehicle but taxi driver surprises him by taking out a gun from his sleeve and shoots him

Oda Nobunaga vs Justin Trudeau

181 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-8464 18:26

Nobunaga is already dead, meaning he is the winner.

Captain Planet vs Ivan Ooze

182 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8465 09:33

Ivan Ooze wins because "Heart Power" doesn't work very well on anything.

K-selected people vs R-selected people

183 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8465 10:56

Hopefully, K-selected people.

Coffee vs a smoothie. The coffee is in a styrofoam cup.

184 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8465 12:38

coffee wins because of the heat

2ch vs 4-ch

185 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8465 17:20

It's like the Battle of Rorke's Drift, we barely manage to win.

Bricks vs. cement

186 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8465 18:39

Because cement is so formless, the bricks are unable to damage it. By the time it hardens the bricks have been absorbed.

Hiroyuki Nishimura vs Ben Garrison

187 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8466 02:36

Ben, because Hiro is genuinely retarded.

Man made of corn vs Man made of yams

188 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8466 08:50

The man made of corn, because while I don't know what yams are, I assume he has no teeth, therefore he's gonna look pretty funny trying to beat a man made of corn with no fuckin teeth!

St. Mary of Egypt or Yamada from B Gata H Kei?

189 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8467 20:49

If we're talking about pre-conversion, then Mary clearly has the stronger will and strength of character, and will certainly not be outdone by an amateur like Yamada. If you mean post-conversion, Mary will probably be weakened by her time in the desert, and will be unable to put up much of a fight.

You armed with a lightsaber vs every US president in order, unarmed, coming at you in waves of five at a time. You are allowed a break of five minutes after each wave. The presidents are allowed to plan and confer before attacking, and know what happened in previous matches, so they can learn from their predecessors' mistakes. Assume the battleground has no cover, no terrain that could be relevant tactically, and nothing that could be used as a makeshift weapon.

190 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8467 23:18

This is really a question of whether I'll accidentally cut my own limbs off. I'd bet on the presidents.

HAL 9000 vs these verification codes, but Bowman is pulling out logic boards at about the same time as depicted in the film, with roughly the same effect.

191 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8468 23:32

If HAL 9000 can lipread in real time, I'm sure it can read slightly distorted nonsense words almost instantly, faster than Bowman can pull out the boards (takes several minutes in the film). It might conceivably mistake a u for a w or vice versa, but on balance my money's definitely on HAL.

Stephen Hawking vs Davros

192 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8469 11:12

Powered wheelchairs are not yet allowed at the paralympics so probably Davros. But Hawking would get more support from the public.

Donald J. Trump vs Hillary R. Clinton

193 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8469 12:32

danald tromp

194 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8469 12:38

I'd be inclined to say Donald purely on size difference but having seen his wrestling ability I think Hillary could get a quick 1-2-3 with little effort. Pre-match promos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbryz0mxuMY

Tim Mack, the 1-pin bowling star, vs Garry Kasparov, the chess master

195 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8471 16:33

The skills developed in bowling (strength, precision, hand-eye coordination) are highly applicable to physical confrontations, whereas chess generally favours careful thought and long term strategies. Above all, chess is tightly constrained to a set of rules in a way that fighting is not. On background alone, I think Tim has the upper hand.

( ・-・) vs ( ⌒-⌒)

196 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8471 18:45

( ・-・) has eyes open, and is a clear favorite.

Red vs Blue

197 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8471 21:19

Red represents anger and violence, blue is calm and serene. Blue is clearly superior.

Ewoks vs. Gungans

198 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8472 12:36

Gungans are more advanced than Ewoks. I'd give it to the Gungans.

Keyboards VS Mouses?

199 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8472 18:13

Keyboards win by having more commands than computer mice. However, if someone had really good voice command software and a mouse with several buttons, the mouse might win. Some keyboards include a miniature pointer, mini trackball, or touch pad to get some of the pointing ability that computer mice have.

K-pop vs J-pop

200 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8472 20:46

Having heard of one band that converted from K to J, but none the other way around, I can only assume J-pop is superior.

Foot with 5 big toes vs. hand with 5 thumbs

201 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8472 21:39

The hand, aided by its superior dexterity, wins over the clumsier foot.

202 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8472 21:57

Gnomes vs fairies

203 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8473 17:05

Gnomes are masters of combat using melee weapons. Fairies don't know much about combat. Gnomes win.

Battletoads vs Cheetahmen

204 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8474 00:23

Obviously Battletoads, amphibians have a higher rate of reproduction.

All Fiction vs Gold Experience Requiem

205 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8488 16:46

They both erase one another from reality. Clonepa wins.

Clifford the Big Red Dog vs the Jolly Green Giant

206 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8776 17:50

Just look at the 1930 Green Giant. Does that look to you like a man who would hesitate before beating a dog to death with a giant peapod? It doesn't to me.

Self pity vs self hatred

207 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8776 19:45

Self-pity. Self-hatred is a sign of depression or other mental issues, whereas self-pity is a sign of being a pansy-ass wimp, and is therefore much cheaper to treat (using a slap to the face).

Pirate vs ninja (is this still going?)

208 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8776 20:15

Ninjas are highly skilled and disciplined elite fighters; pirates are just thuggish drunkards. I don't know how anyone could seriously think they are equal opponents.

Isaac Newton vs Gottfried Leibniz

209 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-8776 23:42

Leibniz gave us the "d," so I can't deny him this one

A taffy puller vs a mochi pounder

210 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8777 23:01

As best I can tell, taffy pullers seem to be exclusively made of metal, whereas mochi pounders seem to be exclusively made of wood, which immediately gives a large advantage to the taffy puller. On the other hand, the mochi pounder is itself essentially a bludgeoning weapon, whereas a taffy puller is just a metal box with small, slowly spinning appendages attached. When it comes down to it, I think a mochi pounder being used to pound a taffy puller could easily disable it entirely, but a taffy puller being used on a mochi pounder would have little to no effect. I'm going to give this one to the mochi pounder.

( ´ω`) vs ( `ハ´)

211 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8778 00:48

( `ハ´)is a fearsome opponent, but too straightforward. ( ´ω`) might look weaker, but his sneaky clever wit will always give him the edge, as in this confrontation.

Serval-chan vs. horny tentacle monster

212 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8778 22:14

Given an open field of battle and without the element of surprise, I would imagine that Serval-chan's superior speed and agility would allow her to easily keep out of reach of the groping appendages, while periodically darting in to quickly injure or even sever one tentacle at a time, leaving the monster in question defenceless. Serval-chan has, after all, been shown to take down ceruleans several times her size.

Your neighbour(s) living to the left of you vs your neighbour(s) living to the right of you.

213 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8779 13:17

I have no doubt that the students living to the left of me would be defeated within seconds of a battle against the 30-odd members of the Romanian family to the right of me. Those guys need TWO minibuses to get around. They definitely have the overwhelming advantage in numbers.


214 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8780 18:19

That is a tough call. On one hand, you have a guy who is soliciting payment (he won't get much, lol internet), and on the other hand, you have a guy who is enough of an idiot that the normal Japanese words for idiot don't suffice. I think DQN. His lack of a clear end game might be a disadvantage in most situations, but at least running off to mootxico is not in the playbook.

a sound, well-measured argument vs. some convenient bullshit

215 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-8780 18:58

Some convenient bullshit takes less time to say than a well-measured argument, so bullshit wins among people with short attention spans

Original Sailor Moon or Sailor Moon Crystal?

216 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9083 22:32

>>215 Sailor Moon Crystal hits a lot harder but Original Sailor Moon would only need to get one hit in and Crystal would shatter. If Original Sailor Moon fights smart I think she could take the win.

>>217 Who would win in an all out no holds barred bare knuckle fistfight between Ted Rea from Shattuck, Oklahoma and Satou Hideo, 41?

217 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9083 22:53

I have no idea who Satou Hideo is, but I've never seen a shitty boring thread on DQN about him, so he wins.

Alice (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland) vs Alice (Kiniro Mosaic) vs Alice (Touhou Project) vs Alice (Rozen Maiden).

218 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 13:31

Firstly, it seems that Alice is just a normal girl with no particular physical or magical abilities, so it is unlikely she could win against the other three fighters. That leaves Alice, Alice and Alice. I will assume that Alice can re-enact while fighting the feats she performed will dreaming e.g. growing indefinitely tall which is surely the most useful in combat. However, she has no particular will to fight nor combat training.
What about the remaining two contestants? Alice is a magician, a very skilful puppeteer and also somewhat of an artificer. Alice is an idealized perfect doll who appears to combine the talents of all Rozen Maidens, including their combat abilities which are certainly impressive by doll or human standards. Note though that Alice is used to danmaku fighting, helping her dodge ranged attacks from Alice.
In the end, I think it depends on the amount of preparation you allow for the fight. The giant Alice could quite easily stomp out the others. Barring this, Alice would probably win thanks to the sheer number and strength of her dolls, even though her magical powers are probably weaker than Alice's.
So, I'm going to go with Alice winning here.

Highly-skilled C++ programmer vs highly-skilled Haskell programmer.

219 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 13:34

Everyone loses with the thought there is skill memorizing the worthless complexity of either language.

Highly-skilled nose picker or highly-skilled ear picker.

220 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 15:44

There are people who remove the stuffing from your ear professionally, so I'd rather be really good at picking my nose since I can't rely on professionals to do so

Highly-skilled dokyuun or highly-skilled vipper

221 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 17:28

>>220 DQN-kun is better-looking and more refined than VIPPER, but if they put their skills together they'd be an unstoppable team.

>>222 Call-centre salesperson vs. NEET?

222 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 18:35

NEET would not be able to turn the salesperson down, and would end up in even more debt from purchasing a 3 years' worth of commercial PBX support for a 60-person business.

The foil-covered leftovers I know have been in the refrigerator for 6 months or the airtight leftovers that have been in the refrigerator since I moved in?

223 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 22:13

If they're genuinely airtight, then the airtight leftovers; otherwise, the foil-covered.

A first-wave feminist vs a second-wave feminist vs a third-wave feminist vs a fourth-wave feminist.

224 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 22:40

The fifth column.

I've narrowed it down to "Suffering.", "Death.", or "I... don't know." So which is it?

225 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9086 23:05


Ace Ventura (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) vs Truman Burbank (The Truman Show) vs Bruce Nolan (Bruce Almighty, but without the God powers).

226 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9087 08:30

Truman Burbank. Being the most sensible of the trio, he would be the first to just grab a weapon and knock the other two out.

Puyo Puyo or Tetris?

227 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9087 11:03

Tetris. It's older, more widely known, has more iconic music, has more straightforward game mechanics, and, crucially, is still easily playable if you're colourblind, unlike Puyo Puyo.

Oedipus from Greek mythology vs Mom from The Binding of Isaac.

228 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9088 04:13

Oedipus was a pretty clever guy. Once you bring him up to speed with the concepts and he starts playing around with the item combos, I'd say it would take him only an afternoon or two before he gets one of those split-second screen-wiping kills.

The main four of Seinfeld against the Beatles. All are aged at the height of their popularity. One day of prep time plus knowledge of their opponents. Modern urban location.

229 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9088 05:56

Seinfeld cast, no contest. The Beatles are too peace-loving and head-in-the-clouds to come up with a viable strategy. Meanwhile, the Seinfeld cast use misdirection to lure the Beatles into various traps and explosives around the battlefield. Once most of the Beatles are down, Seinfeld cast just snipes them out one at a time from afar.

Girl's Generation vs. the 8 top members of AKB48. No weapons provided. Battle takes place in an empty field.

230 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9088 21:01

The minute Girl's Generation start to perform, all members of AKB48 instantly die of boredom from their watered-down, miserable, excruciatingly derivative R&B

Every character played by Bruce Willis vs every character played by The Rock

231 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9129 22:41

According to IMDb, Bruce Willis has appeared in 119 films, whereas The Rock has only appeared in 102 (admittedly this doesn't account for playing the same character in multiple films). Physically they seem pretty well matched, so I think the difference in numbers would be enough to swing it in Bruce's favour.

Me vs you.

232 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9130 00:26

I don't know anything about you except you post on DQN and know how to use IMDb, so it's hard to say. I've never been in a real fight so I'd probably lose if you have any experience at all. However I am fairly big, moderately fit, and can have some judo training which might give me an edge.

That said I don't really have any desire to fight you so I'd probably just end up conceding.

A platoon of ten Hello Kitties armed with AK-47s vs. a single US Navy Seal trained in gorilla warfare

233 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9130 07:31

>>232 The dumb navy seal went to the wrong class, he might have stood a chance had he went to guerrilla warfare training class but the skills he learned for fighting apes won't help him here. Hello Kitty is actually quite a vicious young girl, he doesn't stand a chance against 10.

>>234 Hulk Hogan vs the same US Navy Seal

234 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9146 15:08

Hulk Hogan, because the Hello Kitties already killed the Navy Seal.

Armok, God of Blood vs Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos.

235 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9147 23:46

At first, this looks like a clear win for Armok: pure desolation favors Armok, but leaves Nyarlathotep with no pawns and no enjoyment. On the other hand, Nyarlathotep can't really do anything to directly defeat Armok.

Upon reflection, however, I remembered Data's strategy of constant stalemate and frustration against Kolrami, the Zakdorn strategist. Nyarlathotep could postpone the inevitable until it gained more enjoyment out of the scenario than Armok ever could.

Of course, we all know they'd just become friends and team up.

Nethack's player @ (as the rider War) vs Morrowind's protagonist (alchemy and spellcrafting, but no console)

236 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9155 21:54

Even with alchemy and spellcraft alone, there are plenty of ridiculous and game breaking exploits available in Morrowind. Unless @ chances upon a wand of death, they're done for.

Theresa May vs Margaret Thatcher.

237 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9156 15:58

Theresa May. Thatcher may be the iron lady, but also she is dead. If their supporters where to get involved, probably Thatcher (just down to numbers).

A giant panda vs 100 young human children.

238 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9157 14:34

Some giant pandas have already exceeded that number. People would leave their unwanted girls in the panda zoo and say that the deaths were accidental.
Duke Togo vs Deadshot

239 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9190 23:24

Deadshot has a longer wikipedia page than Golgo 13, so I'm going to have to give this one to Togo by virtue of obscurity. Plus, his name is cooler.

Posters who use "captcha:" vs posters who use "vc:"

240 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9190 23:43

The time that vcposters save not typing an extra five letters is time they can instead spend punching captchaposters in the face.

Bowser vs Dr Robotnik.

241 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9191 06:18

Bowser is a stage actor who depending on circumstance can even be swung out of an arena by a tiny man; I'm not saying he's a pushover, just that he's kind of a softie somewhere in there. Robotnik appears to be an actual dick in a strong majority of cases (sometimes just selfish), and is largely foiled by opponents who are kinda OP compared to his mechanical genius. So Bowser will probably lose unless he is allowed to use the "I have a friend" gambit.

Bozo the Clown vs. Bob from Tekken

242 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9535 15:01

Bob is a martial arts expert from a fighting game, whereas Bozo has no combat experience whatsoever, as best I can tell. This is an easy win for Bob.

A kakapo vs a fairy penguin.

243 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9715 13:44

Kakapo. While both can't fly, the kakapo has fighting skills which can be compared to those of a rooster. It can sway its wings, jump forward and intimidate the enemy, while the fairy penguin is clumsy and weak.

Dora the Explorer VS Kim Jong Un.

244 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9715 17:16

Dora is a seasoned explorer, with experience surviving in the wild and handling dangerous animals, while Kim is a coddled old man who's clearly never seen action. There are also reports suggesting the Supreme Leader has various limiting health conditions, including diabetes, hypertension, and obesity. My money's definitely on Dora.

Elves vs. dwarves. Assume equal numbers on both sides, and the battleground is neither underground nor in a forest.

245 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9715 17:37

Dwarfs are physically resistant to magic while elves are not physically resistant to a cannonball to the face. Plus, Dwarfs won the War of the beard.

John Lennon vs. Vladimir Lenin. Assume they've both been resurrected at the heights of their physical capabilities.

246 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9715 19:48

I've got to go with Vlad on this one. As far as I can tell, Lenin survived at least one shooting and Lennon survived zero.

Three copies of Karl Marx vs. the Marx brothers (only Groucho, Chico, and Harpo). All resurrected to the physical condition they were in at age 35.

247 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9715 20:08

>>246 The Marx brothers would do a comedy skit about capitalism. The Karl Marx clones would laugh at the show. When one Marx brother would step off stage, he would plant an explosive cigar on a Karl Marx clone. The result would be a win for the Marx brothers.

>>246 Patchouli (Touhou) vs Sailor Mercury. Which 2d bookworm is better?

248 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9716 00:42

In terms of their powers, Patchouli has the obvious advantage here. She can command earth, which overcomes water in the Wuxing cycle. All of Ami's attacks and abilities are are water-based, so that gives her a severe handicap (unless the swords she makes out of water, or the Sailor Star Tambo, don't count as elemental.)

There's room for argument based on the facts that danmaku isn't particularly serious fighting compared to that which the Sailor Scouts do, and that Ami's physical stamina exceeds Patchouli's, but Stage 4 is going to be her toughest challenge in EoSD. I'm predicting Patchu will foil, at minimum, Ami's first 1CC attempt.

The guy who posted "dicks out for Hara​mbe" in every single thread on 4-ch vs. the guy who's been starting shitloads of threads about COO​MERs

249 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9716 01:55

Gorilla. Both jokes were spread and overused throughout every forum and social medias, but "dicks out" as a phrase has a lot of impact.

Renaissance paintings vs. ASCII art characters.

250 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9716 10:40

ASCII art characters can call for endless copy/pasted reinforcements, whereas renaissance paintings take days, at least, to produce more of. Also, ASCII art characters are frequently depicted with rocket launchers, tanks, comically oversized hammers, etc., whereas the most a renaissance painting will get is a guy on horseback with a sword or something. The renaissance paintings, outnumbered and outgunned, would fall quickly.

Takara Miyuki & Izumi Konata vs Hiiragi Tsukasa & Hiiragi Kagami.

251 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9721 14:11

Takara Miyuki & Izumi Konata for sure. Not only is Konata more popular, she is also smarter than the Hiiragi sisters combined, while Miyuki's moe level would destroy their self-esteem.

Barbie vs He-Man.

252 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9721 21:06

He-Man is an honourable gentleman, and would never attack an unarmed lady. Barbie may lack any corresponding compunction, but she also lacks any plausible way of defeating the most powerful man in the universe. The result would be a stalemate.

Daniel (Amnesia: The Dark Descent) vs Oswald Mandus (Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs) vs Simon Jarett (SOMA)

253 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9808 19:02

Daniel is a pansy who's afraid of the dark, so he's definitely losing this fight. Oswald is the only one of the three who actually kills one of his enemies -- although he does so indirectly, via electrocution. Simon does have (potentially) two copies, which would be a substantial advantage, however he's rather a pansy too, and almost completely helpless without Catherine. Furthermore, Oswald is shown to have a very good understanding of mechanics and electricity, so he can likely find a way to disable or kill Simon, provided there's stuff in the environment to work with. I think Mandus is most likely to come out on top.

All the colossi from Shadow of the Colossus vs all the divine beasts and guardians from Breath of the Wild.

254 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9818 07:39

While intimidating, all the colossi are defeated by a random teenage boy with an ordinary sword he's mediocre at using, while the divine beasts and guardians can only be defeated by a legendary Hero of Time likely equipped with potent weaponry (or possibly with a tree branch, but still a tree branch in the hands of a legendary hero.)

The clincher is that there are a mere 16 colossi, while there are 172 guardians of various types. Even though some (about 70) are immobile, I predict them murderizing the colossi quickly with sheer numbers, without the divine beasts even having to enter the fray.

Odin vs. oden.

255 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9818 09:39

In the Prose Edda it is said that Odin doesn't eat anything, and gives all the food on his table to his wolves, Geri and Freki. Whether that would count as "winning a fight" against a bowl of oden is a little ambiguous, but I'd say so.

A gelatinous cube vs a mimic.

256 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9820 05:37

Assuming D&D Logic, cubes are acidic. (they're basically a giant stomach made out of jam, so they have to be.) Therefore, even if the mimic was physically large enough to not be immediately engulfed by the cube, it's attempt to eat it would end extremely badly.

J.C. Denton vs. Desert Punk. Both have all their gadgets, augmentations and other assorted tricks, though it's strictly 1 vs. 1. To make the battle fair, it takes place in a forest during the day, and both competitors have to use civilian-grade weaponry generously donated by an American gun store.

257 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9820 07:25

Depends largely on Denton's build. If he puts his skill points in rifles and takes the ballistic protection, cloak, regeneration and vision enhancement augs, I'd put my money on him, especially if Desert Punk stubbornly insists on still using a Winchester 1897 like daddy while JC opts for more advanced weaponry (say, an AR-15 if it has to be from 2020, not 2052.) Notably, his augmented vision can likely neutralize a number of the Punk's favored tricks, like the balloons and smoke bombs.

If JC went for Computers, Swimming, Microfibral Muscle and Environmental Resistance, his difficulty hitting a human-sized target's center of mass with a pistol from 20 paces will pose little threat to Desert Punk.

Masaki Michishita vs. Takakazu Abe.

258 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9821 21:51

My first instinct was to just go with whoever's the top, but rereading the original work, it seems they both take turns. Nonetheless, Abe is clearly the more confident and experienced of the two, has a more physical profession, and appears to be more muscular, so I think he's the most likely to win by far.

You vs your own childhood trauma.

259 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9822 14:03

I lose to my childhood trauma. I often have a difficult time falling asleep, not waking up, and being burnt by eternal hell fire. Fire and brimstone sermons still have me over 25 years later.

Kim Yo-Jong vs Park Geun-hye

260 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9822 15:28

Kim Yo-Jong is at least half of Park Geun-hye's age, and she's got that hardcore North Korean edge to her. Also she has a dictatorship's military behind her. Easy victory and futile nuclear barrage goes to Kim Yo-Jong.

Corona-chan vs Ebola-kun

261 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9822 18:58

Ebola definitely puts on a better show for the audience, with the dramatic bleeding and high mortality rate, but there's just no arguing with Corona's ruthless, insidious spread.

A man with no legs vs a man with no arms.

262 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9844 01:15

Assuming neither is allowed any weaponry, kicks have much stronger force than punches, so my money is on the guy with no arms. Leggy will also have the advantage in mobility. However, should leggy not immediately win the fight within the first few kicks, he could prove vulnerable to being grappled and even toppled by Mr. Arms. I'd still give it to Leggy, though, as in a fight, the initiator generally has the upper hand, and Leggy definitely would be the initiator.

A cyber-punk (A punk who dresses like he's from a mid-nineties interpretation of the near future) vs. a steam-punk (a punk who glued brass cogs to everything he owns.)

263 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9844 19:47

Assuming the only difference is how they dress (i.e. the cyberpunk doesn't get any cybernetic enhancements, the steampunk doesn't get any fancy wrist-mounted crossbows, etc.) cyberpunk clothing is typically much lighter and more mobile than the heavy, metallic steampunk clothing, so I'd be inclined to give it to the cyberpunk.

"Doc" Eriko Kamata (Texhnolyze) vs Dr Ritsuko Akagi (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

264 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9891 21:16

Doc, simply because she's hotter.

Foo Fighters vs a foo.

265 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9892 21:47

The Foo Fighters outnumber the foo, and have been specifically trained to fight foos, so they will win easily.

A bus driver vs a postman.

266 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9893 00:37

Bus drivers are war-torn heroes, dealing with small, rowdy children, or meth addicted schizos depending on the type. Postmen are just mail-deliverers. So definitely the bus driver.

A pig vs a goat

267 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9893 02:23

Gotta be the pig. They're bigger and smarter and willing to eat shit to survive.

A horny rhino vs a hungry hippo

268 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9894 10:01

The extensive research I have done (watching a 30 second video on youtube) indicates that, sans adjectives, a hippo has the upper hand against a rhino. Making the rhino horny wouldn't improve its combat ability significantly, but a hungry hippo (as long as it's not starving) may become fiercer. I think the hungry hippo wins out.

The current heads of state of the last two nations you have set foot in (poster's choice if this is ambiguous or not well-defined). The location is the rocks where Kirk fought the Gorn. No prep time or modern weapons, but plenty of suspiciously-convenient natural resources.

269 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9894 12:41

Guðni Jóhannesson, Iceland's President, could easily overpower the Queen of England. It wouldn't even be a contest.

John Stalvern vs John Freeman

270 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9894 12:47

I have never set foot in another nation, but I believe my shoes were made in China. If that counts, then I guess Xi Jinping wins this one.

A handicapped Winnie the Pooh vs a homosexual.

271 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9894 12:57

I messed up. >>269 wasn't here when I arrived.
John Freeman, since Stalvern will be kill by demons.

8-bit hentai gifs vs YouTube's appealing thumbnails.

272 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9894 23:14

Hentai gifs are alluring, entertaining, and give you exactly what you want. Youtube thumbnails may be superficially enticing, but they're all empty promises with no substance.

King of Pentacles vs Queen of Wands vs Knight of Cups vs Page of Swords.

273 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9895 02:26

Not knowing a damn thing about the historical meaning of any of those things, I'm going to bet on the guy with swords. (Seriously, what's a knight going to do with a cup?)

(*゚ー゚) vs ( ゚ -゚) vs ( ゚ ヮ゚)

274 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9895 10:30

>>272 Who would win in a fight though‽

>>273 ( ゚ -゚) lets (*゚ー゚) and ( ゚ ヮ゚) duke it out then steals the win at the end

>>275 Tablecat vs. Zombie Longcat

275 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-9896 22:33

Tablecat is limited to his table, while Longcat travelled through every corner of the world. Plus he's longer, so he'd definitely win.

2B vs. Tifa Lockhart.

276 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-9899 23:55

>>275 Tifa Lockheart crushes the others with the best Oppai of any RPG

>>277 Usagi Tsukino vs Usagi Yojimbo.

277 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-9926 12:38

If by Usagi Yojimbo you mean the protagonist of the series, Miyamoto Usagi, then I think it would be an easy win for Tsukino, given that she has magical powers and he doesn't, as far as I can tell. If you mean that she has to fight the entire Usagi Yojimbo franchise, I think it may be a stalemate, as I can't see any clear way either could harm the other.

You with a kitchen knife attached to your nose vs an adult emperor penguin with a kitchen knife attached to its beak. The fight takes place on land. Assume you cannot disarm the penguin. You cannot detach your own knife, but you are not obligated to use it, and can fight with hands and feet if you prefer. The penguin understands how to use its knife, and is trying to kill you, but otherwise is a mundane penguin without any special intelligence or training.

278 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-9926 20:20

I'd win.
Given that the penguin is still a common and irrational creature, I'd run away until I reached a penguin of the opposite sex that aroused its instincts. As it gets distracted, I'd hug it from behind and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab.

An angered elderly mathematics professor vs. a hungry overweight lady on a mart cart, both fighting over a pack of sausages.

279 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-9927 18:38

The maths professor is likely to be faster and more agile, so if he can just grab it and run, he'll easily be taking home his meaty prize. On the other hand, the overweight woman is likely to have greater strength, and has what is effectively a motorised battering ram to try to knock the gentleman off balance. Unless the mathematician can get the element of surprise, I'm inclined to say the woman will be the one dining well tonight.

Alpha Hatsuseno (Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou) vs Akari Mizunashi (Aria)

280 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 11:27

They are girlfriends...

September 9999 vs September 10000

281 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 12:20

10000 has more digits, but that makes them less dextrous. With fewer fingers, 9999 strikes swiftly and has the upper hand.

>>282 vs >>283

282 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 12:53

Obviously me. That other nerd doesn't even exist yet.

>>282 vs >>283.

283 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 15:45

I think you've got this, mate

The Easter Bunny vs the Moon Rabbit.

284 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 16:29

The Moon Rabbit would pound the Easter Bunny's ass like it was nothing

100 Italians or 70 Russians? The battle must take place on neutral ground.

285 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 23:55

The Russians, no contest. It would be a bloodbath.

Reimu Hakurei vs Marisa Kirisame vs Sakuya Izayoi vs Youmu Konpaku vs Sanae Kochiya.

286 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10067 23:18

I don't know any of those characters so the winner would be (rolls d6) Youmu Konpaku through clever use of a digital watch.

A shooting hobo vs. a stabbing hobo, both starting out hidden.

287 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 00:29

Since you never bring a knife to a gunfight, the stabbing hobo has the element of surprise and wins.

Slavoj Žižek vs Plato

288 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 01:13

Plato, as he was a wrestler and Zizek can barely breathe.

The Hamburgler vs Moon Man

289 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 19:53

It's a good time for the great taste - dinner! At McDonald's, it's Mac Tonight!

Peep-flavored Pepsi vs Coca-Cola Clear

290 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10070 21:55

If mixed together, the Pepsi would presumably overpower the Coca-Cola in terms of both taste and colour. Does that count as winning a fight? I don't know, but let's say yes.

A colossal squid vs a great white shark. Fight takes place on land.

291 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10070 23:39

The squid is likely to have server structural damage from the difference in pressure from its native habitat. Great shark wins by surviving longer, perhaps even enough to flop back into the ocean.

briefs vs long johns

292 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10071 01:39

Long johns have the length, but briefs have the strength... it's almost a hard tie, but I say long johns
micheal jackson vs elvis

293 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10072 12:27

Presley spent two years serving in the US army, was apparently quite skilled in karate, and was not shy about using amphetamines to supplement his physical abilities. Jackson, meanwhile, as far as I can tell had no fighting experience of any sort, and was known to have quite a weak constitution. I reckon this would be an easy win for Elvis.

As an aside, while looking up stuff for this answer, I found out that Michael Jackson was briefly married to Elvis Presley's daughter, which I did not know.

EVA unit 01 vs the ender dragon from Minecraft. Assume the EVA is not connected to power and has only its internal battery. The fight takes place on the end island with all crystals active.

294 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10093 01:34

>>293 I will say the minecraft guy wins

>>295 confucius quotes versus buddha quotes?


295 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10093 16:41

I googled and here were the top 3 results for each:

*Never do to others what you would not like them to do to you.
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.*

*Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.*

Confucius sounds like a real pussy, whereas Buddha sounds kinda like a bad-ass martial artist. Buddha quotes are the obvious winner.

Kirby from Smash 64 VS Bayonetta from Smash 4

296 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10098 11:10

Kirby would do that thing where he inhales his enemy and then spits them out under the stage so they can't get back up again. Bayonetta would fall, helpless, into the void.

Maiden in Black (Demon's Souls) vs Emerald Herald (Dark Souls II) vs Fire Keeper (Dark Souls III) vs the Doll (Bloodborne)

297 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10206 12:34

First things first, the Fire Keeper has no eyes by default, and the Doll is inanimate unless you have at least one insight (which the other three presumably do not), so they're both functionally out of the fight. Physically, the Emerald Herald looks to be in much better shape -- the Maiden in Black is frail and leans on a wooden staff -- however the Maiden has a demon inside her(?) and can exert enough power over the Old One to send it to sleep, so she almost certainly has some sort of weird bullshit power she could bring out if she needed to. I reckon the Maiden would win.

Howl (Howl's Moving Castle) vs Haku (Spirited Away, in dragon form)

298 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10206 20:01

I have a soft spot for bishonen, so Howl.

Siri vs Cortana vs Clippy vs Bonzi Boddy vs ELIZA?

299 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10207 11:25

Clippy is (as far as I know?) the only one of these who actually harasses you unprompted, rather than just responding to user commands. This initiative will give him the upper hand, allowing him victory.

The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn (as they were at their height, assume their magic is actually functional) vs Golden Dawn (Greek neo-Nazi organisation)

300 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10239 13:55

Golden Dawn has actually murdered people, whereas the magic golden dawn doesnt look that dangerous and kinda geeky honestly, so the Nazis, easily.

Chris-Chan vs Jonty Bravery (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-50692100)

301 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10239 21:28

Bravery has attempted murder and, based on actions and quotes, comes across as genuinely psychopathic. Chandler is clearly seriously mentally ill, but doesn't seem particularly cruel or violent. I would be inclined to give it to Bravery.

Antlion guard (Half Life 2) vs Vordt of the Boreal Valley (Dark Souls III)

302 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10334 23:02

The antlion guard has 500 HP, whereas Vordt of the Boreal Valley has 1328 HP (according to their respective wikis) and a significant size and mobility advantage... But Vordt also has silly segmented armor, and loses by virtue of inelegance!

Konpaku Youmu's ghost half (Touhou Project) vs. Cumsprite (Oglaf)

303 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10334 23:56

Youmu, by the virtues of (A) being Touhou and (B) not being Oglaf (faggot).

Your landlord or some tweaker you paid $500

304 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 00:19

Some tweaker I paid $500.
I know because I've tested this in real life, only with a tweaker I paid $20. If a $20 tweaker can beat my landlord, I'm sure a $500 tweaker will be 25 times as potent.

The soft squish poster from SAoVQ vs. a girl with no squish whatesoever to speak of

305 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 11:03

Girl with no squish. Look me in the eye and tell me you think a person who has an identity around posting "soft squish" on an obscure internet forum would not instantly faint if any real life girl looked at him for more than three seconds.

You vs your most recent ex, both armed with rapiers. Fight takes place on a cliff edge in the middle of a storm.

306 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 13:47

I would win because my ex doesn't exist and therefore has no arm with which to swing their rapier, giving me the clear advantage.

japanese old boy vs Golgomois

307 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 14:05

I win by default.

A man with diarrhea vs a masturbation addict over the last empty stall in a bathroom.

308 Name: vc: shett : 1993-09-10335 16:02

The man with diarrhea can use his own shit for propulsion, but the addict can use his cum aswell. I'd say they'd both get in at the same time, and the addict would cum all over the other's shit.

A nile crocodile vs Sailor Jupiter

309 Name: (Θc_Θ¬ミ : 1993-09-10335 16:20

A man with diarrhea, because masturbation addict would rather masturbate in public anyway.

Depends on a genre.

C++ vs C#

310 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 21:22

C++ swings its ++ like a sword. C# brings its # up to block, but too slow! C++ wins.

Kobolds vs goblins

311 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 22:04

Kobold is cut apart by paladin who carries goblin around as portable onahole.

Crocodile vs. Crocs-branded plastic sandal

312 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10336 00:15

A crocodile would have a very easy time defeating the Croc brand sandal. However I've run this simulation 1000 times and in 3 of those the crocodile suffocated on the sandal and died leading to a no contest.


Crunch vs crisp

313 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10337 13:27

The crisp is crunched.

A weeaboo vs a TTRPG nerd.

314 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10340 02:57

Weeaboo brings out his Samurai sword, unfortunately he has little practice and in his attempt to show off by spinning the sword around he accidentally cuts into his leg. The TTRPG nerd didn't even finish his strength roll.

A chicken vs a woman.

315 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10433 21:50

Chickens can be pretty vicious, for sure, but their beaks and claws are too small to do any lethal damage to a human. The woman, meanwhile, could pretty easily grab the chicken by the neck and strangle it or smash its head against a rock, without it having much opportunity to fight back.

Ornstein vs Smough

316 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 00:19

Smough. He's only two letters away from though.
Thoughers always win

317 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 10:43

A lesbian (homosexual woman) vs a Lesbian (resident of the island of Lesbos)

318 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 15:44

neither, the vibrator
300 chihuahuas or one tiger

319 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 20:15

Tigers are ambush predators specialised for taking down singular, large animals, so the tiger would be somewhat out of its comfort zone here. On the other hand, chihuahuas, while very vocal, are not remotely trained or bred for violence. I could well imagine the tiger running out of stamina, but I couldn't imagine the chihuahuas effectively capitalising on this weakness -- even against an incapacitated tiger, they would have difficulty landing any kind of killing blow. I would be inclined to give it to the tiger.

You armed with a glaive (or other polearm of your choice) vs an alligator.

320 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 20:39

The alligator. I'm a fucking PUSSY!

Audiobook vs Keyboard

321 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 21:33

keyboard. im a keyboard warrior
wojak versus pepe

322 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10435 16:17

Wojak has survived and morphed to this day, and has become very popular from its humble origins as a krautchan meme. Pepe has mostly faded and Apu and the one with no neck with the wine glass have become more popular than it. Wojak would outlast Pepe in a fight.
Albania vs North Macedonia vs Greece

323 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10435 23:25

The Balkan Empire is all that remains in the end.

Atlantis vs the Mu Continent

324 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10437 16:09

Nobody's heard of the Mu continent, so they have the element of surprise and win.

Father Dougal McGuire (Father Ted) vs Alice Tinker (The Vicar of Dibley)

325 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10466 10:21

Sailor Jupiter. Send a lightning bolt in the croc swamp and zap them to death.

326 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10466 22:35

They are both overwhelmingly more likely to accidentally injure themselves in some wacky slapstick fashion than they are to injure one another. I suspect the result would be a draw, or at best one might win by default if the other messes up badly enough.

Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion) vs Rei Ayanami (The Rei's Diner)

327 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10469 16:20

My bets would be on Rei Ayanami.

Jules Verne's dinosaurs hiding inside the Earth vs Nazi dignitaries hiding inside the Earth

328 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10469 17:31

Dinosaurs, no contest. Nazi artillery/tanks (if the dignitaries even have them) would be at a tremendous disadvantage given the underground terrain and lack of lighting, while lighter weaponry would do little against the thick hide of a voracious T-rex.

Fox vs swan

329 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10580 00:02

Fox, it is a better predator.

Astolfo vs Bridget

330 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10580 08:30

>>329 Bridget would probably whap out his massive cock and smack Astolfo about the face, causing instant death.

>>331 Rishi Sunak vs Liz Truss

331 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10580 11:40

Whoever wins, we lose.

Alien vs. Predator

332 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10580 13:08

Predator, until Alien glitches the thermal sights.
Excalibur vs Masamune

333 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10591 11:35

Masamune would snap excalibur like a twig.

Person with anorexia vs person with morbid obesity.

334 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10591 18:43

Obesity Man beats Anorexia Man in strength and defense but Anorexia man has the upper hand in speed and evasion over Obesity Man. A coin flip I guess?

Morrissey vs. Robert Smith

335 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10600 10:43

Briefly glancing over their respective Wikipedia articles, Smith's mentions him getting beaten up as a kid whereas Morissey's does not, so I'll go with Morissey.

Love vs fear

336 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10621 18:36

Fear will just run away and forfeit the fight.

Blind man armed with a sword vs unarmed Average Joe

337 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10622 10:51

Have you ever read Shigurui? The blind man, no contest.

An elephant vs an unarmed man

338 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10623 02:08

The unarmed man simply does a Dark Souls dodge roll when the elephant telegraphs its wind up attack and then takes advantage of the iframes to quickly counter with an R1 to the elephant's trunk, killing it instantly.

A blind man with swords for arms vs a regular guy with a sword

339 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10623 19:02

I don't think having an additional sword is going to be enough of an advantage to outweigh the disadvantage of being blind, especially given having swords instead of arms, rather than in one's hand, would substantially reduce your reach.

You vs a Mr. Mime.

340 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10757 22:37

Mr. Mime only exists inside the computer. By contrast, I only exist in front of the computer... Stalemate!

Ranch vs Cool Ranch

341 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10757 23:45

>>340 ...R-R-Ranch?

>>342 My face vs. >>340's gun in my face

342 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10758 12:36

You stupid bitch. You stupid fucking bitch. I can't believe how dumb you are. Jesus Christ, I can't believe how fucking dumb you are. You're the dumbest motherfuck-

You on a hang glider armed with a machine gun vs a giant dragonfly approximately the size of a light aircraft. You automatically lose the fight if you land on the ground, but have enough height/thermals to stay airborne for at least ten minutes. Assume you are strapped to the hang glider such that you can use both hands for the machine gun (but cannot steer at the same time).

343 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10758 12:44

Clever manoeuvering and sustained machine-gun fire should make quick work of the beast... It would be more interesting however to try to capture it alive, to see if the mechanism of its wings could be transferred to mechanical ornithopters.

Cute girl vs cute boy

344 Name: sage : 1993-09-10758 13:01

I'm with Allah cause he chose me, broke into the Vatican strangled the Pope with his rosary

345 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10758 13:14

Obviously the cute girl. Have you seen how much combat experience she has?

Yoshinoya veteran vs guy on the opposite side of the U-shaped table.

346 Name: ( ゚ ヮ゚) : 1993-09-10775 18:53

>>345 Which one has the most experience with Japanese police. I'm betting on that guy, because they know how to force a criminal confessional out of an innocent person.

Sheyllna Ampat VS Myranda Didovic

347 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10779 20:21

There are no winners here.

>>344 armed only with a rosary and Allah's blessing vs Pope Francis and his cardinals.

348 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10780 07:50

Pope Francis would be raped and slaughtered easily

Robin Williams vs some spare rope

349 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10780 17:00

Historically it appears the rope won that particular confrontation.

Wizard vs cleric

350 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10786 16:38

>>349 The wizard has a more eclectic selection of spells and is not bound to the same standard of morals as a cleric. While the cleric may sometimes have the power of a god on his side, it's not necessarily going to be a powerful god, and the pure Stirnerite egoism inherent to a high-level wizard is hard to overcome. I'm handing this one to the wizard.

>>351 Virtual Youtuber vs Physical Twitcher

351 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10790 00:23

Depends on who has the most vapid porn addict zombie followers on only fans. If she’s a woman with tits, I’m handing it to the twitch streamer.

Lolis vs FBI

352 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10790 05:55

Let's be real, the elden meme was true: There are no girls on the Internet. Only the FBI in disguise. And the Deep State has a Deep Monopoly on Deep Violence anyhow.

Neckbeard who has actually read Lolita vs. neckbeard with a concerningly large loli folder but nothing technically illegal

353 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10790 13:32

Lolifolder-beard's brain has been reduced to mush from endless masturbation but he has a strong left arm. Lolita-beard's brain is in a much better state thanks to his literary forays but he lacks physical strength. I'm going to give this to Lolita-beard because, as we all know, brains beat brawn.

( ゚ ヮ゚) vs (´<_`  )

354 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10790 13:58

One look in (´<_`  )'s eyes is enough to tell you he has lost every fight he's ever been in, and this will be no exception. Even with ( ゚ ヮ゚)'s punches being padded by the mittens she's wearing, she has the unquenchable motivation and perseverance to come out on top.

Diablo (Diablo) vs Satan (The Binding of Isaac) vs Cyberdemon (Doom)

355 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10791 12:07

Satan will shoot the Cyberdemon until it dies. Diablo will then wipe the floor with him because if some pussy kid can kill Satan with his tears, Diablo sure as hell can.

YHVH (Shin Megami Tensei) vs God (Silent Hill) vs Deus (Xenogears)

356 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10800 22:43

How can you kill a god? What a grand and intoxicating innocence!
Acreuid (Type-Moon) vs Lain Iwakura

357 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10801 12:08

Even ignoring the whole vampire thing, Arcueid is an adult and hence considerably stronger than Lain. The Wired isn't going to do anything to protect you from a fully grown woman kicking you in the stomach.

Yurie Hitotsubashi (Kamichu!) vs Friedrich Nietzsche.

358 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10802 12:27

Nietzsche would die from syphilis before the fight even began.
Kratos (God Of War) vs Exdeath (Final Fantasy)

359 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10850 13:24

As best I can tell, both of them are canonically immortal, so I imagine it'll be a stalemate.

Shadow the Hedgehog vs Rainbow Dash

360 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10850 13:31

Shadow has 5052 images on R34 and 6.2k images on e621, for Dashie the numbers are 16k and 26k respectively... Ultimately the loser is me, for having to visit those websites.

The total strength of Israel's military vs a war elephant

361 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10852 13:33

Sadly, I just can't see any way for the elephant to win this one.

Edward Cullen vs Jacob Black

362 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10853 02:57

Jacob Black. I don’t see how an emaciated Caucasian snow nigger like Edward could ever stand up to a native who can turn into wolf man. He’d get scalped ISIS style and die of hemophilia complications.

Adolf Hitler vs Jesus Christ

363 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10853 10:52

Jesus would whip Adolf money-changers-in-the-temple style and Adolf would curl up in the fetal position and cry like a baby.

Pyramid Head vs Komachi Onozuka

364 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10866 21:42

In a direct fight, Pyramid Head. But Onozuka-san could beat him easily by feeding James his anti-depressants.

Adolf Hitler vs A Bottle of Cyanide Pills and a Revolver

365 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10867 23:46

Adolf's wife Eva heroically saves him from the pills by ingesting them herself, but Adolf's attempts to disarm the revolver by discharging all of its ammunition go tragically wrong as he accidentally misses the floor and hits his own temple instead.

Giant spider vs giant toad (assume they're both roughly the same size)

366 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10869 00:22

Sadly the giant spider could not make it to fight, he was eaten by his mate after copulation. But unfortunately do the toad, there are now 24 baby giant spiders all vowing to take out toad-san when they grow up.

/b/ vs /dqn/

367 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10869 15:14

The six of us have collectively spent hundreds of posts discussing combat tactics, while they were sitting around picking their noses and masturbating. We'll absolutely demolish them, I'm certain.

Alpha (Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou) vs Kino (Kino no Tabi) vs Reki (Haibane Renmei) vs Haruko (FLCL), four way motorbike/moped-mounted jousting tournament.

368 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10876 16:47


Haruko duh

Iowa class fast super heavy battleship vs Heisei era Godzilla

369 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10877 23:22

I don’t see how Godzilla could lose this one. He’s pretty much invulnerable to gunfire. All he’d do is tip that rust bucket over, no contest.

Osama Bin Laden vs Cyborg Osama Bin Laden (Cloned)

370 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10878 14:17

Depends whether we're talking about Osama bin Laden (human) or Osama bin Laden (elephant). Either way, I suspect the cyborg aspect is going to be a big advantage.

You vs an orca. Fight takes place in open ocean. You are permitted any weapon that you can physically carry. The weapon must exist in real life and you must be able to carry the entire weapon, so "magic wand of instant orca killing" or "button that launches a nuke" wouldn't count.

371 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10880 01:17

I choose as my weapon a king penguin with a time bomb in its stomach, set to detonate 30 seconds after the beginning of the fight. I will throw the penguin at the orca and immediately swim away as fast as I can. As the orca is an animal, my hope is that it will not be able to resist the urge to snack on a food that it prefers to humans, which will then explode inside it and fatally wound it. If the penguin serves as an insufficiently time-consuming distraction, though, I acknowledge I may also die due to being caught in the explosion or simply killed by the orca within seconds.

I also considered a net launcher, but I don't think I would be able to kill even an immobilized orca with my bare hands, and if it became a match of attrition I would die of dehydration before the orca dies of starvation.

Reddit vs. its mods

372 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10883 00:07

Probably Reddit. There’s only so much crying mods can do when sys.admin can just take away their privileges, especially when investors are involved. The Reddit strike will go down as the dumbest in history, where, despite not receiving compensation for their labor, striking mods haven’t even asked for pay. And all for what? So they can use 3rd party apps that let them fap to NSFW content. The real Reddit died with Aaron. RIP.

373 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10883 00:17

You vs Mount Fuji. The great Fujisan is set to erupt! The incompetent Japanese diet have put their faith in you to stop this deadly from blasting away the countryside and dumping ash all over Tokyo. You are empowered to choose the following weapons in your struggle with this deadly volcano

>Iowa class battleship
>B83 thermonuclear gravity bomb
>Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis
>Kamikaze squadron
>A gigantic exploding boxing glove

You have 24 hours

374 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10883 01:09

Fuji wins

100 Ghostbuster vs Million Ghost

375 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10883 18:16

Well it took 1 Austrian to take out 6 million Jews so I guess 100 ghostbusters would be more than enough.

376 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10883 22:32

Mothman vs Bigfoot

377 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10884 02:12

Some additional context for >>373: https://4-ch.net/current/kareha.pl/1319744527/24-27
None of the offered weapons seem adequate unless the "Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis" are capable of powerful explosions and there are several hundred million of them. Even if they are, 24 hours probably isn't long enough to execute the plan.

Ever stomped on a bug? Imagine how easy it is with bigger feet, even when the bugs are men.

An Iowa class battleship vs. 200,000,000 Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis

378 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10884 11:30

Even setting aside battlefield tactics, 200,000,000 is comparable to the entire population of Brazil. I just don't think a single battleship has enough ammunition to kill that many.

Odysseus vs Theseus

379 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10897 00:28

Nothing can stop Odysseus' cunning, I'm afraid. He's a man with no land of his own and nowhere to go back to, needless to say you never fight a cornered cat.

You vs Joe Rogan in an intellectual debate. You can pick the debate topic excluding STEM subjects (please include), but in order to win you must annihilate Joe and make him rage quit. Due to a black out and the stream going down, Joe will not be able to call up his army of minions nor will he be able to physically attack you. A Netflix crew is standing by in case he wants to produce another comedy special to smite you.

380 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10899 02:04

I knew nothing about Joe Rogan until now, so I did a bit of research. I learned:

  1. Rogan gets angry more easily when he's drunk.
  2. Rogan gets angry when his personal beliefs are challenged.
  3. Rogan gets angry about extreme statements.
  4. One of his worst arguments was a debate about marijuana with Steven Crowder.

First I would keep the conversation friendly, and wait until he had a few beers. Then I would start bringing up the fact that marijuana is harmful, and it's such a shame that Joe Rogan likes weed because he could be so much better without it. I would start with "scientific evidence" slowly move into more combative and extreme statements like "only chumps consume marijuana."

When he brings in the Netflix crew, in a major twist I would reveal that I actually love weed and have brought enough to share with everyone. Then I would placate Joe and the crew with copious amounts of Mary J.

A battle royale with every version of Link from every Zelda game

381 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10901 15:46

For the sake of consistency, I'll assume that every Link has all of the abilities from their game, but otherwise they're equal in terms of number of hearts, stamina, healing items, etc. Many of the Links have some sort of quick travel ability to get around Hyrule. Since the location isn't specified, and might not be Hyrule, I'll ignore this in general. Also, as a disclaimer, I haven't personally played most of these games so there may well be some details I've missed. Now, considering their combat capabilities in chronological order, and not counting remakes or games in the Zelda universe that do not feature Link:

  • The Legend of Zelda: Unsurprisingly, one of the least well equipped of the Links. Has no advantage over any of the others and will definitely lose.
  • Zelda II: The Adventure of Link: Actually pretty powerful. Has abilities that can shoot fireballs, reflect magic attacks back at their users, and summon lightning that kills enemies instantly. A strong contender.
  • The Legend of Zelda (Board Game): No chance. Has no offensive powers besides a number of abstracted sword icons.
  • Zelda (Game & Watch): Very limited abilities. Nothing that's going to swing things in his favour.
  • The Legend of Zelda (Nelsonic game watch): Doesn't appear to have anything but his sword and boomerang. Not going to win.
  • The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: Another strong contender. Any of the three medallions can kill almost everything onscreen, plus he can escape into the Dark World with the magic mirror, and become temporarily invulnerable with the cane of Byrna, or invulnerable and invisible with the magic cape.
  • Zelda no Densetsu: Kamigami no Triforce (Barcode Battler II): I couldn't find many details about this one, but I'm not hopeful about his prospects.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening: Doesn't really seem to have access to any item/ability that others don't. Not likely to win.
  • Link: The Faces of Evil: The book of Koridai is shown to instantly trap Ganon in its pages. Assuming this can be used against his fellow Links, he could consistently defeat one of them, but after that he doesn't have any game-winning moves up his sleeve.
  • Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon: Link is captured for the entire game so his combat abilities aren't really shown. I'm going to go ahead and assume he'll lose.
  • Zelda's Adventure: As above.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: The titular ocarina can summon rain, change the time of day, summon a few NPCs, none of which seem amazingly helpful. Otherwise has no particular abilities that most other Links don't get.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask: In addition to the above abilities, the ocarina can now transport Link backwards and forwards in time. Link can also transform with the aid of masks. The most combat-notable options are the blast mask (explode at will), stone mask (be overlooked by enemies), Goron mask (rolling attacks and access to powder kegs, more powerful explosives), Zora mask (swimming, boomerang attacks, and an electric shield), and the giant and fierce deity masks (augment combat abilities). Perhaps the most versatile of the Links.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons: Can summon an animal companion with his flute, and the magic ring has a few abilities that could come in useful. Fairly average overall, not likely to come out on top.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages: Can travel through time with the harp of ages. Doesn't seem to have any other abilities that would confer much of an edge.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords: Contains four separate Links. This would be a huge advantage if they can work together, but given the battle royale format, I'm assuming they are fighting one another as well as the other Links. They can only equip one item at a time and have no inventory, giving them a huge disadvantage over the others. Definitely not going to win.

382 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10901 15:48

  • The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker: A conductor's baton that can affect the wind, and a sentient boat. Might have an edge if the battle were to take place at sea, but otherwise not going to win.
  • The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap: Being able to shrink might help with stealth? Otherwise doesn't seem to have much going for him.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: Can turn into a wolf, but that's about it. Not going to win.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass: No particularly notable combat abilities.
  • Link's Crossbow Training: No hope. You're going to need more than just a crossbow to win this one.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks: In theory the train could be useful offensively, but he has no way to force enemy Links onto the tracks, so in practice he's probably limited to using the cannon. Not very likely to win.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword: Has a tame loftwing (giant bird) he can ride. The bird mount would be a huge advantage, were it not for the fact that every single other Link has ready access to bows and arrows. Otherwise doesn't have any particular edge.
  • The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds: His only notable ability is to merge into walls. This isn't bad, as it does make him invulnerable to 3D enemies, but it is strictly worse than being able to, for instance, travel through time or to another world, as the enemy can always see where he is.
  • Hyrule Warriors: A lot of combat abilities, but these are mostly for mowing down large numbers of weak enemies. Might struggle against individually high powered enemy Links.
  • Monopoly: The Legend of Zelda: It's honestly unclear whether Link is actually in this game, other than being printed on the board? At any rate, his property management skills are not going to help him here.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Tri Force Heroes: What few abilities he does have rely on the three Links working in tandem to be used to their full effect, which, as it is a battle royale, they will not. Absolutely no chance.
  • My Nintendo Picross: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess: Link only appears as a static image (in wolf form). Even if we're generous and suppose this depiction of Link can fight, he'd presumably just have the same abilities as in the actual Twilight Princess game.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild: Several unusual abilities, such as stasis, cryonis, magnesis, but none that are hugely combat relevant except the bomb, which is strictly worse than other Links' bombs with its low damage and recharge time.
  • Cadence of Hyrule: Crypt of the NecroDancer featuring The Legend of Zelda: Doesn't appear to have any exceptional abilities. The restraint of only moving on the beat of the music is unlikely to work in his favour either.
  • Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity: Similar to Hyrule Warriors. Has additional abilities mostly identical to those in Breath of the Wild.
  • The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom: The ability to construct vehicles etc. is potentially very powerful, but requires an amount of setup that he simply may not have. His other abilities don't seem especially likely to swing the battle overwhelmingly in his favour.

383 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10901 15:49

First things first, any Link that can travel back in time (Majora's Mask, Oracle of Ages), into an alternate universe (A Link to the Past) or become an invulnerable 2D object (A Link Between Worlds) will do so, and will wait there for the other Links to fight among themselves. I am assuming here that abilities that change the time of day (e.g. Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker) are just accelerating/deccelerating the local flow of time, not transporting Link himself relative to his surroundings.

The remaining Links who cannot escape will be decimated by Link (The Adventure of Link)'s AoE lightning attack which kills everything onscreen. Link (Breath of the Wild) might be able to use magnesis to discharge the lightning into something metallic nearby, but is unlikely to be able to follow up with anything devastating, given Link (The Adventure of Link)'s ability to reflect most attacks.

Link (Oracle of Ages) has no particularly useful abilities, and Link (A Link Between Worlds) will be easy to pick off as he emerges from the wall, so neither of them have any chance. On returning to the present, Link (Majora's Mask) can use his stone mask to be overlooked by Link (The Adventure of Link) to get the drop on him. Alternatively, Link (A Link to the Past) can use his temporary invulnerability/invisibility to avoid the lightning attack and hit him. Either way they will be the last two standing.

Link (Majora's Mask) could try the stone mask gambit again, or simply take a high powered mask and hope to overwhelm his opponent by force, but unfortunately he has no counter to Link (A Link to the Past)'s ability to simply jump out of the Dark World, use his quake medallion to kill everything on screen, then jump back to the Dark World to refill on magic, until he wins. Link (A Link to the Past) will be the ultimate victor here.

Yuri vs yaoi

384 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10902 08:39

Yuri is a delicate lily flower, while "yaoi" is sometimes written with the kanji 矢追, literally meaning "arrow-chaser." While chasing arrows is not directly linked to combat prowess, this strongly implies the entity has enough martial aptitude to defeat an ordinary flower.

Yaoi is also the surname of Jun'ichi Yaoi, who is basically the Japanese version of the Ancient Aliens guy. He's 87 years old, but he can probably still stomp out a lily flower.

>>381-383 versus every other post in this thread

385 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10907 10:25

Given the high likelihood those posts were made by a single anon, it's perfectly possible that all 385 posters could pin him down and strangle him. Although, 385 people piling on one could create overcrowding and fights over who would be graced with the honor of snapping >>381-383-san's neck. In the commotion, he could escape, perhaps with the help of a body double, and go underground. Maybe he has some MS-13 friends to call for fire support, and our 385 man dokyun army, which is about as disciplined as a bunch of Liberian guerillas, would be mowed down in a hail of gunfire or hacked to death with machetes? Then again, our zeal for killing the most annoying poster in the thread could trigger a powerful otaku fighting spirit which is +35 to melee attack, somewhat evening out the odds.

A Twitter vs 4chan death match tournament, assuming both sites are at their historic peaks, that would be 2008 era 4chan and 2022 age Twitter. 8 Fighters from a famous Twitter community vs 8 anons from a legendry 4chan board, all weapons are allowed except guns, air support, artillery and explosives larger than a hand grenade. Feel free to structure the tournament as you like. However, the grand finale will be a naked, bare hands, brawl to the death between Jack Dorsey and Moot. Winner takes the BATTLE ROYALE trophy and gets to execute 1,000 users of the enemy site like a lustful daimyo.

386 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10908 13:52

Since you've already decided what the final will look like, I guess the rest of the tournament doesn't really matter. I imagine Moot would fight dirty, but Dorsey is clearly the physically stronger of the two and would probably end him quickly. Regardless of who comes out on top in the fight, however, ultimately everyone wins from 1000 4chan or Twitter users being removed from society.

Woolly mammoth vs African elephant.

387 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10908 15:52

Depends on the fight location. If it's in Africa, the woolly mammoth would overheat and die. But given that mamoth-san is still frozen in Siberian ice and is therefore a no show, I'm gonna give this one to the African elephant on a technicality.

Mark Zuckerberg vs Richard Stallman in a televised debate.

388 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10909 15:19

Stallman doesn't exactly ooze charm, but Zuckerberg has negative charisma and is actively hated and distrusted by the majority of people. So long as he doesn't say anything catastrophically alienating (not impossible), Stallman will be the one winning the audience's hearts and minds.

Battle royale between every combatant in >>r4.

389 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10919 01:37

We all know how a Battle Royale typically ends. Everybody kills each other off until one is left standing and, overwhelmed by depression, they commit seppuku. I’d say it’s a no contest. Or the lone survivor who becomes an hero technically wins since he killed himself.

19 Arabs vs the World Trade Center.

390 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10920 10:51

The Arabs may have to sacrifice a number of their brave fighters, but they will slay the beast. Death to America. <3

Shiki Eiki (Touhou Project) vs Ryougi Shiki (Kara no Kyoukai).

391 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10920 19:57

A quick research about both reveals that the former is a being that judges the souls of the dead and the latter is mortal, 2hu wins by simply waiting for the latter to inevitably die then send her ass to hell to add insult to injury.

The Indomitable Human Spirit vs The Ghostbusters

392 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10920 22:40

The Ghostbusters are specialised in busting spirits, and I promise you there is nothing indomitable about humans. The Ghostbusters will win easily.

Mr. Blobby vs Noo-Noo (Teletubbies)

393 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10921 10:51

Mr. Blobby forces Noo-Noo to the floor and begins searching for an opening, trying with rock hard determination to penetrate Noo-Noo. Unable to find a hole, Mr. Blobby strangles Noo-Noo half to death then returns with a hacksaw and slowly decapitates the Noo-Noo. With the head sawn off, Mr. Blobby begins thrusting inside the tracheae. When the FBI kick down the door and begin pumping Mr. Blobby full of lead. Since Noo-Noo is a US citizen by birth, this would make the contest a draw.

394 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10921 11:00

Adolf Hitler vs Madonna DEATHMATCH

395 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10921 12:02

Adolf would fall to his knees before Madonna's Aryan beauty, allowing her to roundhouse kick him into a bloody pulp.

Gay twink vs butch lesbian.

396 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10925 02:24

This is a fight thread not a porno thread. But in a fight I guess it would be the butch lesbian since they are aggressive while twinks are passive sodomites who want to be penetrated. The twink would assume the lesbian is a a male sodomizer homosexual and just bend over. Then she’d go up behind him and snap his neck, ridding humanity of this foul demon.

The Pope and his Vatican vs 4chan’s lost /lolikon/ board

397 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10925 11:20

It would be nice if we got a >>389-like situation where all the paedophiles kill one another/themselves and nobody is left alive at the end. Unfortunately I think the Pope and his cardinals' old age will limit their combat capabilities and they probably won't put up much of a fight.

Aragorn vs Legolas vs Gimli, all fighting over the One Ring.

398 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10925 20:17

The government… you know what they say about marriage.

The Nintendo Nerd vs all Hololive chuubas.

399 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10926 11:44

The Hololives would swarm all over him and eat him alive like the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk (and down him with beer).

Gandalf vs Dracula

400 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10927 13:40

Me vs My mirror self

401 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10927 14:16

Gandalf easily. Bram Stoker version of Dracula isn't particularly powerful and was defeated by humans.

Aspartame vs Sucralose

402 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10928 11:49

Making a post that ignores the thread structure to me suggests a lack of self-reflection. This will allow your mirror self the element of surprise, defeating you.

According to Wikipedia, sucralose is around 320-1000 times sweeter than sucrose, compared to aspartame's mere 200 times. It also has a longer and more impressive IUPAC name which, going by wizard rules, indicates that it's more powerful.

Me vs >>400's mirror self.

403 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10928 21:16

The intellect of >>400's mirror self is necessarily no higher than that of the original. This should allow you an easy victory, especially if the fight happens to involve making on-topic posts on textboards.

Hachette Book Group, Inc. vs. Internet Archive

404 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10929 02:42

Given that web archivists have probably already downloaded the entire Internet Archive a million times over by now, I’d call a Pyrrhic victory for Hachette. They might win the case, shut IA down, and have Brewster thrown in gitmo, but it won’t stop us all from pirating their books.

James Sutherland vs Ikari Shinji in a depression contest. Who will be the first to die of starvation and neglect or an hero? Any third parties are not allowed, but delusions and hallucinations of loved ones and traumatic flashbacks are permitted. If any of them decide to become an hero please include suicide method.

405 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10931 00:50

James is kinda fucked so I’m gonna give the win to Shinji. At least that whiny SOB has people who care about him unlike that loner autist James.

Godzilla vs the entire US military

406 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10931 16:28

The US would declare a War on Kaijuu and pour several hundred billion dollars of taxpayer money into the pockets of military profiteers so they can use it as an excuse to murder impoverished brown children on the other side of the world. Meanwhile, Godzilla would rampage unchecked across the US (the rich would, of course, evacuate to their bunkers so it's only inconsequential poor people whose lives are ruined). Ten years later, the president declares a triumphant end to the War on Kaijuu as they finally achieved their goal of killing Mothra.

Martin Luther vs Martin Luther King Jr.

407 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10931 17:27

Initially, the two would peacefully engage in lively theological discussion, MLK Jr. thrilled to meet his namesake and hero and Martin Luther intrigued by this strange Moor and his Christlike message of nonviolence. That lasts until the topic of Israel arises and MLK Jr. espouses the fine character of the Jewish race and the virtues of Zionism. Seeing red, Luther attacks the servant of Satan before him and attempts to throttle him, but MLK fights him off easily due to Luther's notoriously poor health throughout his life.

Collapsing to his knees, Luther starts ranting about Jews and their endless perfidy in-between wheezes. MLK Jr. realizes that Luther, if allowed to live, may well inspire another Holocaust among his latter-day followers. With great reluctance, he ends Luther's life as painlessly as possible using the only weapon at hand: a hammer.

John Wayne vs John Wayne Gacy

408 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10935 01:24

Like many young boys looking for employment, Gacy lures John into his home and attempts to ply him with alcohol. In his usual fashion, Gacy introduces the idea of sex to John. However John Wayne, already a pure red blooded American, is incensed at the thought of fallatio with a fat homosexual. “Your not a real man. Your a disappointment to your father.” Those words stop Gacy, he hangs is head in shame. Suddenly, all the sadness and hatred in him surges to the surface and he lunges at the boy. Gacy misses, he’s forgotten that John Wayne is immune to projectiles which always seem to fly around him. Having landed on a vase, Gacy is now mortally wounded and easily subdued by John Wayne.

At first, John thinks the best he can do is end Gary’s miserable life as painlessly as possible with whatever he has available: a large dildo. But realizes Gacy’s skills as a killer could be a useful. He elects to keep Gacy in his basement and feed the killer clown blacks, homosexuals, Indians, and other undesirables he’s picked up off the streets to purify white America of the unwanted.

George Bush vs a Kangaroo with an AK-47

409 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10935 02:32

I think George Bush would win because a kangaroo would probably or possible shoot himself with the AK because he doesn't know how to use it or maybe jump with it and hurt himself with the bayonet and really just be oblivious to the workings of the gun while George Bush would freak out abotu the kangaroo and be scared and yell and run away then probably use his cell phone to call animal control or something or even Dick Cheney with a shotgun to come take care of it if the kangaroo doesn't kill himself

Switzerland vs Sweden

410 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10936 22:27

Switzerland, definitely. Their whole country is specifically set up to be as hard to invade as possible.

Deafblind person vs person with no hands or feet.

411 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10937 11:50

You are unable to move...

>[Quit breathing]

[Hold on!]

Fear vs Hunger

412 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10937 12:29

As established in >>335,336, Fear will likely run away, leaving Hunger to win by default.

Finland vs Hungary

413 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10941 02:25

I don’t see any way for this fight to pan out unless the either country can uproot themselves and collide into the other’s land mass or if that earthquake weapon they’ve been talking about on 2chan recently could cause them to collide by shifting tectonic plates. Assuming they can even hit each other, it boils down to intelligent Nords vs moronic Turks in denial, in which case the Finns would have the advantage. Having given up the ways of the steppe centuries ago, the Hungarians lack warrior spirit and would probably freeze to death anyway.

2channel in 2004 vs Facebook in 2005

414 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10944 21:09

I don't have any numbers for their relative populations at the time, but I feel like 2channel had a tighter knit and more dedicated community, which will hopefully translate into greater military morale. The absence of any language barrier will probably work in their favour too.

Utena Tenjou vs a marilith.

415 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10951 12:08

I don't see how Utena Tenjou is going to win this given her latent homosexuality and the fact she can only wield one bladed weapon at a time. The Marilith would simply cast a charm spell to seduce the feeble school girl before dispatching her with cutting blow to the neck.

Wonder Woman vs the Rapeman

416 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10951 22:33

The Rapeman stands no chance here. Wonder Woman is an Amazonian demigoddess with several powerful magic items, while the Rapeman is literally just some guy.

You (as you are now) vs your childhood bully/bullies (at the age they were when they bullied you).

417 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10952 17:28

I’m old enough to buy an AR-15 legally so I doubt they’d last long.

Female role model
Barbie vs Lain

418 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10953 10:41

Lain would just pull Barbie's arms off. Easy win.

Lain vs. Lisa Simpson

419 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10953 14:49

Lisa is composed out of an amorphous yellow goo and simply reforms after being torn apart. Lain is unmade by the campy pearl necklace Lisa always wears, and must retreat back into the wired to recover indefinitely.

Pothead vs. newborn Adolph HItler

420 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10953 21:28

The pothead would be too zonked to actually fight and instead takes young adolf under his wings, hitler grows up to be a stoner and thus gets accepted into art school and lives out the rest of his life pretty normally; however, in hitler's absence himmler becomes the dictator of germany, leading to the takeover of france and its conversion to the SS state of burgundy, the first and only nuclear superpower that threatens the peace of the entire world, this snowballs into a series of events that leads to the collapse of democracy in america, half the world turning communist, hyper-genocide in russia and ultra-balkanization into uninhabitable shithole anarchy states and eventually nuclear apocalypse, in this world, nobody wins.

a guy hopped up on benadryl vs a guy hopped up on adderall

421 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10954 01:40

The guy hopped up adderall studies quantum physics and electrical engineering in under 5 hours and builds a 15kt thermonuclear bomb. He leaves it outside the Benadryl guy’s house before evacuating the area. Unable to resist the big shiny red button, Benadryl man detonates the device. He would win the contest having technically killed himself. However, the blast triggers a global nuclear war which kills adderall man. Thus the result is a draw.

Harley Quinn vs teh Rapeman

422 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10954 11:26

Listen, I get where you're going here, but Harley Quinn has superhuman strength and agility and a lot of combat experience, while the Rapeman continues to be just some guy who's used to preying on random defenceless young women. You also shouldn't underestimate how much barely contained rage most women have towards sexually violent men. Most women I know have at some point expressed a sincere desire to murder a rapist (not even their rapist, just a rapist) and I personally know of one who (unsuccessfully, sadly) tried to poison her rapist, and another who permanently disfigured and blinded a rapist with acid (again, not even her rapist, just a rapist).

100 Roman legionaries vs a T-rex.

423 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10954 23:57

I’m not sure about this one. It’s very probable the T-Rex would flee if the Romans mounted any serious attack on it. On the other hand, the Romans might see it as some kind of god and begin offering up sacrifices to the thing. But assuming the Romans do attack it, they’d probably chase it away.

An Ottoman janissary vs a Jedi (no force or special abilities allowed)

424 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10955 23:16

Depends very heavily on what counts as "special abilities". Is a lightsabre itself a special ability? Are the backflips Yoda does a special ability? Is their unlikely ability to dodge Stormtrooper bullets a special ability? Assuming the answers to the above are all yes, Janissaries tended to make heavy use of firearms whereas Jedis are more melee focused, which would probably be enough to let the Janissary win. More lenient rulings on the Jedi could easily hand him the victory.

Your dad vs a mountain lion. He has to actually kill it with his bare hands to win, not just scare it away.

425 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10956 10:36

My dad's approaching retirement age, lives a sedentary lifestyle and is currently suffering from food poisoning. He doesn't stand a chance.

EVE Online's Venture vs Star Citizen's Vulture

426 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10958 20:46

Eve Online's Venture, because Eve Online actually works.

Shonen Jump vs. Boy's Life

427 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10963 20:26

Shounen jump-kicks the boy, ending his life.

Siegmeyer of Catarina vs lesser demon (Runescape)

428 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10970 09:20

Due to his jovial nature and grossly overweight figure, Siegmeyer is at a clear disadvantage. The lesser demon is aggressive but not especially poisonous. It being a non-character puts it at an inherent disadvantage, it has no personality, cannot think, no guile. I’m sure Siegmeyer would come out on top.

Gekko Kamen/Allah no Shinsha vs the US government

429 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10972 01:08

First, I had no idea who Gekko Kamen and Allah no Shinsha were so I had to do research first. Their two different heroes. Gekko Kamen might be able to hide from Uncle Sam, but he’d get drone whacked eventually. He didn’t have a bike in the original series so he wouldn’t get far. Allah no Shinsha is equally susceptible to CIA drone strike, but he is the messenger of Allah. Taking him out would incite the wrath of Allah and destroying the US with a disaster of Biblical proportions.

Da Jews (a fictional all powerful force that manipulate world events and control literally everything) vs NERV

430 Name: ( ´w`) : 1993-09-10972 19:23

>>429 Antisemitism aside, isn't "a fictional all powerful force that manipulate world events and control literally everything" literally just what SEELE is in NGE? They're in charge of the UN and are using NERV for their own mysterious plans. So "Da Jews" totally have NERV beat in this fight.

>>431 Say Gex vs Gay Sex

431 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10972 20:59

While Gex is an unusually skilled gecko capable of adroitly navigating the Media Dimension and defeating his arch-enemy Rez, I am unsure how the act of saying his name possesses any offensive value whatsoever.

Gay sex is hardly more inherently suited for combat, but if the participants are massive bears, they could conceivably crush the person saying "Gex" in their throes of pleasure.

A chocobo vs. a moogle

432 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10972 22:16

The chocobo would tear apart and devour the moogle like a lump of mochi.

Pyromancer vs necromancer

433 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10973 01:38

Since zombies are pretty susceptible to fire, the Necromancer will use the underhanded tactic of bringing the Pyromancer’s dead wife back to face him. Overwhelmed by emotion, the Pyromancer will let his guard down and Necro will stab him in the neck with a pen.

Cute girl vs the entire incels subreddit

434 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10973 10:37

Given that r/incels was deleted back in 2017 (and its successor the year after) this looks like a victory by default for Cute Girl.

The Protoss (Starcraft) vs the Eldar (Warhammer 40k)

435 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10973 12:11

Do you have any idea how over the top 40k is? The Eldar can summon a physical manifestation of their war god, see thousands of years into the future, have technology so insane the "advanced" Protoss would think it's magic and, despite being a dying race, still massively outnumber the Protoss simply due to the scale of 40k.

This isn't even a fight, it's fly swatting.

A Titanfall pilot (along with his titan) vs the Team Fortress 2 crew

436 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10977 14:03

The TF2 team have a huge advantage in numbers, versatility, and tactics available to them. None of the titans really have anything up their sleeve that's devastating enough to wipe out the whole team before getting pincered, ambushed, or overwhelmed by numbers.

Generic mid-level D&D adventuring party (fighter, rogue, cleric, magic user) vs a xenomorph.

437 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10977 18:08

>>436 Xenomorph obliterates the D&D nerds with minimal effort. He just rips them apart with his big claws as if he was pulling wallpaper off the wall.

>>438 Randy Savage vs Lily Savage

438 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10980 14:42

Randy, and it wouldn't even be close.

Crow vs kea.

439 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10981 01:46

By kea I suppose you mean Manu Kea. Given that this volcano has been dormant for most of human history I doubt it would pose a threat to Russell Crow. Although there’s no way Crow could actually destroy it. This would be a long drawn out contest to see who dies first and I’m afraid Russel Crow can’t out live a mountain.

Hunter Biden vs a CIA agent armed with a plastic bag sent to silence him

440 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10981 02:57

By the power of crack cocaine, he is gonna banepost in real life and reveal that the he was, in fact, the Big Guy (for you) all along. The spook ends up garroted, not by his flimsy petrochemical weapon of choice, but by Hunter's massive loli-raeping wiener.

The laziest person you ever met vs. the fattest person you ever met

441 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10981 04:42

They are the same person, and he has already thoroughly defeated himself.

Your fat blob of a mother vs. the fattest person you ever met

442 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10982 12:01

My mother is overweight, it's true, but I've seen her lift furniture and she does exercise regularly. By contrast, the fattest person I've ever met couldn't even walk for 100m without needing to rest. I'm pretty sure my mother's got this one.

Banshee vs poletergeist.

443 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10984 02:36

The banshee can scream all she likes. I doubt she has the ability to locate a poltergeist. Banshees herald the death of a family member so her only hope is the poltergeist is close with the relative in question and will become suicidally depressed and off himself by drinking holy water or something. A poltergeist can levitate fucking objects like Darth Vader and Steven Spielberg made a film about them. All bansees do is cry. So their like a regular woman.

Reality vs George Dubya

444 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10985 15:30

Reality always wins in the end.

Evil witch (Hansel and Gretel) vs big bad wolf (Little Red Riding Hood) vs wicked stepsisters (Cinderella) vs evil queen (Snow White)

445 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10986 03:06

The wolf would probably eat the wicked sisters and the witch but when he goes for the snow queen he collapses of gastrointestinal perforation. The snow queen proceeds to shove the remaining pieces of meat down the wolf’s throat until he implodes.

Ted Bundy vs Elliot Rodger in a competition of who can kill the most sorority girls in 30 minutes.

446 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10986 03:45

Ted Bundy was noteworthy for his cunning; he committed his murders over a vast geographic area and using difficult-to-trace methods specifically to prevent law enforcement from tracking him down. However, this will in fact work against him here, in particular his distaste for firearms and apparently even blades.

Powered by sheer incel rage, Elliot Rodger will brazenly stab and gun down dozens of college babes and hapless bystanders while Ted wastes minutes carefully stalking and strangling each girl out of sight of witnesses, then hiding the evidence.

Things may go differently if the referee convinces Ted he will never face consequences for his murders, which may inspire him to finally exercise his 2nd Amendment rights, but even so I think Elliot's experience on the shooting range (and with stabbing three random dudes to death before he started his incel rampage) will give him the edge.

British football hooligans vs. Canadian hockey rioters

447 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10986 19:31

Canadian hocky fans know how to use sticks and padding. This gives them a +50 armor and greater range. Canadians are observably more intelligent than Britishers, who are also known to be so drunk they can barely walk. The Canadians> would smash their skulls with those sticks and use their bladed shoes to slit throats. It's a no contest.

Chinese Maoist red guards vs anime student council

448 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10988 18:38

Given their track record I'm going to have to pick the red guards here. They know how to bayonette charge with sticks and they hate all things Japanese.

Ronald McDonald vs Joe Biden vs Happosai vs the Rapeman in a contest to see how many innocent girls they can molest on the NYC subway system in a 48 hour crime spree.

449 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10988 19:11

Unfortunately for all the participants, the cute girl gets the drop on them (by managing to find the detonator for her suicide vest just in time), selflessly saving the rest of New York from these monsters.

20 bas8ques vs 20 indo-europeans, final showdown, no holds barred.

450 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10988 20:24

All Basques do is sit around all day and smoke cigarettes. That's not enough to stop a league of battle hardened Indo-Europeans with their subject object verb syntax and minimal inflection, all of which allow for rapid communication. Basques are no match with their cumbersome ergative case. But wait! A group of marauding semites from North Africa have entered the fray. Neither Basque nor Indo-European can match the high precision and portability of Andalusian Arabic. While the Basques are mesmerized, the Indo-Europeans are too busy re-issuing orders and staring at each other in abject confusion. As their troops spend precious minutes trying to parse sentences and figure out what their orders mean, they are cut down by semetic steel. The Basques mostly surrender but not without some resistance. Their terrorist campaign fails to leave any impression on the Arabs who are far more skilled at bombings. The WTC is detonated to remind the Basques of their new masters.

Zombie vs stoner

451 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10989 21:54

A zombie's primary mode of attack is the slowly shuffling undead swarm, which is rendered less than inevitable by his not having appeared in a swarm. This makes him singularly vulnerable to that of the rankest amateur of all lapidators, i.e. those who've participated in at least one Arabian death sentence. The outcome is that the zed cops a big rock to his rotten soft domepiece and expires from splattered brain, leaving the stoner to spark up a fat doob in victory.

Shakespeare vs. a shaking spearman

452 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10990 10:32

Shakespeare was an actor as well as a playwright, and judging by the violent content of a lot of his plays, there's a good chance he had at least some experience fighting (even if it was only staged). Unfortunately, he's at a distinct disadvantage here, being unarmed and unarmoured up against someone with a weapon. Realistically, the bard is only going to win if he can disarm the spearman. I see two ways forward for him: first, a quick lunge forward past the range of the tip of the spear, then wrestling it from his opponent's hands, or second, staying well out of reach and counting on the spearman throwing his weapon like a javelin and missing. Both are very risky. It's possible the spearman's tremor may make his grip and aim slightly worse, but I'd say the odds are still 70/30 in his favour.

Wikipe-tan vs ME-tan.

453 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10993 22:09

ME-tan attempts to sit on Wikipe-tan to crush her with the bloat that was her birthright. Unfortunately the passing years have made ME-tan's 2000-era 64 megabyte minimum requirement positively miniscule compared to the heinous bulk of JavaScript with which Wikipe-tan is belarded, so it's like a gnat trying to choke out an elephant. Eventually Wikipe-tan reverses the position and ME-tan bluescreens before tapping out.

Dickgirl vs. pussyboy

454 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10994 01:52

Dick girl wins. Pussyboy has no way to penetrate her besides his measly fingers. Lacking balls means less testosterone making him less aggressive and strong. Dick girl would just push him over and rape him to death.

Malcolm X vs a woke leftist Twitch streamer

455 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-10998 12:09

The Twitch streamer would refuse to fight out of fear of getting cancelled for injuring a black man, leaving Malcolm to win by default. The streamer would then get cancelled for infantilizing a black man by refusing to fight him.

Kouyama Mitsuki vs Princess Tutu.

456 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11000 00:18

Ordinarily the princess would have her rival beheaded by royal privilege. However she just happens to be big enough of a fan that the person she'll take a dive for is Kouyama Mitsuki-chan.

Mr. Wikipedia Dick vs. Tablecat

457 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11000 21:02

Mr. Dick has memorised every article on CQC, feline anatomy, and woodworking. Tablecat doesn't stand a chance.

( ・ิω・ิ) vs (´<_`  )

458 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11001 07:09

Due to ( ・ิω・ิ)'s public exhibitionism, (´<_`  ) is convinced ( ・ิω・ิ) is really a VIPPER in disguise. His suspicions turn out to be correct.
Taking the initiative, ( ・ิω・ิ) summons the spirit of DADDY COOL. However, due to being incorporeal and physically weak, he doesn't help very much.

Stephen Wolfram vs. Gerald Sussman

459 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11002 15:25

Sussman would begin conjuring the spirits of the computer with his spells, and while he's distracted, Wolfram would run up and kick him very hard between the legs.

Light vs darkness.

460 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11002 17:43

Darkness hides in the corner and casts shadows where light cannot reach, remaining undefeated in the indefinite term. Light finally succumbs to the cold dark end of all things where all stars have gone out and even the most distant cosmic light has attenuated to naught, but it'll take her billions upon billions of years.

Salt vs. vinegar

461 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11003 12:31

Considering the oceans, there's far more salt than vinegar in the world, so salt wins through numbers.

Cthulhu vs Sauron.

462 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11003 20:16

Sauron was vanquished when his favorite piece of bling fell into a volcano, whereas Cthulhu is often stated to be unkillable and there is no reason to doubt this. The best Sauron can hope for is a stalemate, probably because Cthulhu can't even be bothered to wake up to react to his puny attacks.

Faggot (bundle of sticks) vs faggot (meatball)

463 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11003 22:55

The bundle of sticks would gay-bash the meatball into homosexual mincemeat.


464 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11004 01:17

If data is expunged then there’s no hope of retrieval. Retracted wins by default.

( ・ิω・ิ) vs (´<_`  )

465 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11004 03:13

(´<_`  ) clearly doesn't have his heart in it, ( ・ิω・ิ) wins.
dijon mustard versus brown mustard

466 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11004 20:26

Dijon wins through superior strength.

Not in Employment, Education or Training vs CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL vs IQ=85 vs Captain Obvious vs ⊂二二二( ^ω^)二二二⊃ vs ( ・∀・) vs ( ˃ ヮ˂) vs (´・ω・) vs (*゚ー゚) vs ( ´_ゝ`) vs ((●)トェェェイ(●)) vs ( ゚ ヮ゚) vs (´<_`  ) vs ( ・ิω・ิ) vs any other ones I missed.

467 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11005 02:50

no one cares ^_^

GPT-4 vs 4-ch

468 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11005 06:23

I asked some website called TalkAI (the top google result for "chatgpt no registration required") and this was its answer:

"As artificial intelligence models, GPT-4 and 4-ch do not have physical bodies or fighting capabilities. They are language models developed for different purposes. GPT-4 is designed for natural language processing, whereas 4-ch is an internet forum. Therefore, it is not appropriate to compare them in terms of a fight, as it is outside the scope of their functionalities."

I then asked it to suggest an entertaining battle, and it gave me the following (reformatted for readability):
The Fire Kingdom, ruled by Ember, the Fire Prince ("Wielding an unmatched command over flames, Ember is a fearsome warrior. Cloaked in fiery armor, he harnesses the power to manipulate fire at its most destructive potential.") vs The Water Dominion, ruled by Seraph, the Aqua Queen ("Seraph, a mermaid-like figure adorned in shimmering blue scales, is the water guardian. She harnesses the power of waves and tides, manipulating water to her will with grace and precision.")

The battle takes place in the heart of a mystical forest, nestled between towering mountains and trickling streams. The lush greenery and ethereal mist create an enchanting ambiance, further enhancing the awe-inspiring spectacle about to unfold.

469 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11006 12:41

Judging by the streams, mists, and lush vegetation, it sounds like Ember's going to have a tough time getting a good forest fire going. I reckon Seraph's going to extinguish him and his army without much trouble.

You vs a survival horror game-style physical incarnation of your greatest fear. You are permitted any generic survival horror protagonist weapons of your choice (steel pipe, pistol, shotgun, etc.)

470 Name: (´<_`  ) : 1993-09-11010 01:33

My greatest fear as an aging autist and wizard is sex with a woman. Since a twisted incarnation of a naked human female shouldn’t be that hard to kill, I’d win pretty easily. I guess I’d pick the most proportionate weapon: the rock drill from Silent Hill. We all know how those disturbingly erotic nurses can be bullet sponges on the highest difficulty level, but they are easily turned to mince meat by the rock drill. Since the quickest way to kill someone is the most humane, the rock drill is the most merciful way to dispatch the succubus.

Tsunami vs a sea of lava erupting from a mega volcano

471 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11012 11:09

The tsunami might solidify a good amount of rock, but it's very brief, and the volcanic eruption will simply continue pouring more lava on top. Lava wins.

Homura Akemi vs Dio Brando.

472 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11021 00:37

Dio Brando might be formidable and named after GOD a but even he has to sleep. Homura Akemi has the opportunity to kill him in a nightmare, which movies have taught me lead to death irl.

A hipster vegan California valley girl vs the gluten demon

473 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11022 19:05

The unholy plant protein destroys the girl from the inside out.

Ho-oh vs moltres.

474 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11026 13:31

According to https://pvpoke.com/battle/1500/ho_oh/moltres/11/17-1-2/1-5-1/,

>Ho-Oh loses in 42.5s with a battle rating of 196
>6 turns of difference can flip this scenario. It is somewhat vulnerable to energy, IV, or lag factors.

Guy who can only speak in timecube.com quotes vs guy who can only speak in gay porn quotes. Public debate about the morality of pissing in public swimming pools.

475 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11026 23:17

Gay porn quotes guy wins by virtue of being the only one who can stay on topic. "Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed" might not be a particularly compelling argument, but it's better than incoherent and vaguely derisive rambling about God and geometry.

Meat Boy (Super Meat Boy) vs Isaac (The Binding of Isaac).

476 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11028 16:32

As meat boy goes in for the kill, an Angel of teh Lord appears and replaces Issac with a ram. Meat boy slowly dies of anthrax why Isaac prays for him.

A Soviet R-36 ballistic missile vs AmeriKKKan Minuteman II when they are both aimed to hit each other mid air at maximum speed

477 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11028 18:31

They collide and explode dramatically. Everyone wins because they get to watch a really cool huge explosion!

The cast of Scooby-Doo vs the murder case in Disco Elysium.

478 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11032 17:06

Considering the Mystery Gang's investigative techniques are limited to picking up stuff they find on the ground and they've never worked an actual murder case, I doubt they'd crack this one.

Madotsuki vs Freddy Kreuger

479 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11035 13:50

Madotsuki can just choose to wake up whenever Freddy tries to attack her, and as soon as she finds the knife it's all over for him.

Strong Sad vs Salad Fingers

480 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11053 20:25

It doesn't count as winning if your opponent is too depressed to get out of bed and show up at the fight location. Given his obesity, I doubt Strong Sad could stomach Salad Fingers anyway. He gives up without even touching his plate.

Kitchen staff of The Rei's Diner vs McDonalds kitchen staff

481 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11054 10:55

The Rei's Diner staff have to deal with horrors beyond mortal ken on a daily basis, I'm sure they could easily manage a few exhausted worn down mundane fast food workers.

10 Oompa-Loompas vs the Kool-Aid Man.

482 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11054 16:51

Oompa-Lumpas spend all day working with sticky substances. They'd wipe the floor with Kool-Aid Man.

Lain vs the average mainstream girl

483 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11054 22:45

Mainstream girl easily bullies Lain into submission.

Sisyphus vs Prometheus.

484 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11055 03:37

Sisyphus is likely swole as shit from pushing a boulder for all eternity, while Prometheus is chained to a rock and gets bullied by an eagle. I think Sisyphus wins this round.

Noa Izumi and Alphonse (Patlabor) vs. Leona Ozaki and Bonaparte (Dominion Tank Police)

485 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11062 01:44

Gonna go with the Domion Tank one since I have no idea who any of those people are. But tanks sounds harder than Patlabor.


Godzilla vs Charles Barkley.

486 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11062 13:46

Charles Barkley isn't winning this one sorry.

Mothra vs the entire US Air Force

487 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11067 13:24

I'm going to choose to interpret >>406 as meaning the air force wins.

Wise men vs shepherds vs Mary and Joseph.

488 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11067 17:43

It's got to be Mary and Joseph since I assume god would intervene somehow in this battle.

A pool vs well dressed black gentlemen in suits and with Afros.

489 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11067 19:30

Pool's Closed.

The most suicidal man on the planet vs All the suicide hotlines there is

490 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11069 23:36

Not to be out done, the hotlines all call in at once jamming the lines. Before anyone can get through, he's already hung himself with the receiver.

/pol/lacks vs armed Chinese red guards

491 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11070 22:33

/pol/ is too individualistic, its users lack discipline and teamwork. The Red Guards will scatter and crush them easily.

The quiet serenity of waves lapping against a stony lakeshore vs the noble stillness of a mountain wreathed in mist.

492 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11071 00:39

Given enough time, the serene waves will erode the mountain into a cliff face. But to everybody's surprise the mountain turns out to be an active volcano capable of rebuilding itself with lava and tephra. Its a race to see which dies first. Will the lake waters dry up before the mountain goes extinct? Will the volcano go dormant and be slowly whittled away by the water? Since no one can possibly confirm the outcome of what would be the longest battle ever, the officials are calling it a stalemate.

Space Battleship Yamato vs the Death Star

493 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11077 15:12

The Death Star can blow up planets. Yamato is fucked.

Sam Fisher vs Solid Snake

494 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11077 16:33

In terms of raw physical attributes, Solid Snake has the edge. Despite being in his late 40s or early 50s in recent games, he maintains an athletic physique and impressive physical conditioning from years of special forces training. Sam Fisher is also in excellent shape for his age, which is late 40s-early 50s as well, but Snake canonically possesses greater strength, stamina, and hand-to-hand combat prowess. Both are exceptional marksmen with a wide variety of firearms, but Snake has engaged in direct firefights more often throughout his career.

However, Sam Fisher's forte is stealth and subterfuge. He is a master of infiltration, covert movement, and gathering intel without being detected. Thanks to his background in Third Echelon's research and development of new stealth technologies, Fisher has access to spy gear beyond what is ordinarily available like vision augmentation, non-lethal weaponry, and sophisticated communications equipment. He is incredibly difficult to detect and can neutralize threats silently from the shadows.

Solid Snake relies more on guerrilla tactics, close quarters combat training, and improvisation when stealth fails. While still highly skilled in stealth operations, direct combat is more in his wheelhouse compared to Fisher. His missions have also frequently placed him in open battle scenarios where all-out fights were inevitable. However, Snake makes up for any technological disadvantages with intense willpower, vast experience, and a tendency to turn any environment or object into a makeshift weapon.

As for skillsets, Fisher has a wide array of stealth skills like disguising, lockpicking, climbing, hacking, and linguistic abilities that allow him to seamlessly blend in anywhere. Solid Snake is savvy but less refined in impersonation and technical skills. However, he has demonstrated expertise in first aid, survival training, tracking, and is peerless at interrogating enemies for crucial intel.

Overall, if this was a direct confrontation with no preparation or intel gathering beforehand, I'd give the edge to Solid Snake. His all-around soldier abilities, years of facing impossible odds, and tendency to improvise brilliant plans on the fly would serve him well against Fisher's stealth-oriented tactics. However, if Fisher was given time to plan an ambush using the full arsenal of his spy technologies and infiltration talents, he could certainly find a way to defeat even the legendary Solid Snake while avoiding detection. It would be an epic clash between two legendary soldiers of espionage, but Snake's experience with reactive, fluid combat scenarios makes him a bit tougher in a straight fight. There's also the fact that much more crazy shit happens in Metal Gear and Solid Snake has defeated adversaries with semi-supernatural abilities.

The old coots who comment on The Register vs. The crazy people posting on the Phoronix forums

495 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11083 12:26

Not knowing anything about either website, I'm going to assume crazy people win against old coots in general.

Pain vs pleasure.

496 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11088 22:56

Pain is just pleasure.

EVA Unit 001 + Shinji vs Godzilla (millenium era) vs Destroyah

497 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11089 03:02

Gotta go with Godzilla. Assuming no crazy hijinks from the EVA suit like doing that apotheosis shit that shifts reality. Assuming it's just a semi-conscious mecha vs kaiju I would say that it'd end up with Shinji and Godzilla teaming up to beat Destoroyah. EVA suits themselves can get blown up and die, and since big G can take out shit like mechagodzilla it doesn't seem the primary threat.

So Godzilla vs Destoroyah will probably end with godzilla just barely winning with help.

The God Emperor from 40k vs The God Emperor from Dune.

498 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11095 00:04

I don't think a miniature from a shitty board game for nerds is going to top a critically acclaimed work of science fiction.

Metal Gear Rex vs Metal Gear Ray vs the Shagohod in a series of military trials to decide which will be accepted for active service.

499 Name: ( ・ิω・ิ) : 1993-09-11108 22:57

Why is this even a question? You did play all the games didn't you anon?

Chun Li vs Kasumi

500 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-11113 12:02

Chun Li's powerful thighs are unstoppable.

Luigi vs Waluigi.

Name: Link:
Leave these fields empty (spam trap):
More options...