Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1310158763/
Let the fun times continue!
Prologue: The Death of
eating sandwiches. Alone. If only I could find a different way of having fun.
" is the sort of thing she would mutter to herself. Ten years later, when the rest of the world had all but forgotten about the Filipino Circlejerk incident,
Tom, the only other surviving direct witness to the event who was not involved in it, was hiding in Cambodia when he got an unexpected call. He picked up the phone and a vaguely familiar voice said
／⌒ヽ
/（●）（●） excuse me may i pass through here
| ﾄｪｪｪｲ/
| /｀ﾆﾆ´
// | |
Ｕ .Ｕ
_,,..-―'"⌒"~￣"~⌒ﾞﾞ"★
ﾞ~,,,....-=-‐√"ﾞﾞＴ"~￣Y"ﾞ=ﾐ
Ｔ | l,＿,,/＼ ,,/l |
,.-r '"l＼,,j / |/ L,,,/
,,/|,／＼,/ ,|＼_,i,,,/ ／
V＼ ,,/＼,| ,,∧,,|/
Tom slammed the phone down, his eyes wide open in terror. "Kaori!" he shouted. "Jump out the window!" He then remembered that he knew nobody by the name of Kaori, he was all by himself, and that his hideout was completely windowless. Tom spent the next half hour wondering what had prompted that nonsensical outburst.
Outside his abode, a sausage
was slowly being pecked apart by a kolibri with an eating disorder.
But this was no ordinary sausage;
THE TIDAL "BORE", THE GREAT BEARS OF KADIAK, OLAF'S GREAT LESSON, and THE GRASP OF CIRCUMSTANCE: A weird series of tales of shipwreck and disaster, from the earliest part of the century to the present time, with accounts of providential escapes and heart-rending fatalities
To the silent Spices which season the double load and faces the loneliness undaunted.
To the Chef which, denied the skewer, takes up whatever weapon lies at hand and wields it valiantly.
To the Meat which "beareth all things, endureth all things," that in its "Royal Japanese Sausage" may be written a righteous destiny for the Nations, and the prophecy of a lasting peace.
Cassandra was a shameless child. She would frequently
fellate cucumbers
, for the sole purpose of making
light of her parents' religious prohibition of putting whole produce into one's mouth.
Distressed by his daughter's illicit habit, Cassandra's father set out on a journey to find some sort of meaty replacement which Cassandra could fellate more piously.
Little did he know that he carried a meaty replacement of his own within his pants.
The entire population of
Dogfisting, Inc
was waking up and performing their daily (」・ω・)」うー！(/・ω・)/にゃー！ ritual.
Today was unlike any other, for today would be the day that
they all died. Nevertheless,
they lived for the moment, which is all that mattered at the moment, for it was the very moment that the rest of this sentence - and perhaps even this paragraph, chapter or book - will spend describing.
Without warning, the tranquil morning air was overwhelmed with a dull rumbling, clicking noise. Filled with trepidation, the Dogfisting populace glanced towards the distant hills, just in time to see an endless wave of zerglings swarming towards their humble encampment, chuckling to themselves "kekekekeke!"
The town's
only policeman tried to call the nearest army base for reinforcements, but his radio signal was being jammed. Or maybe his radio was out of batteries. He had never been good at this technical stuff, and from the looks of it there would be no time left for him to improve his skills before his inevitable dismemberment.
And then they all died.
"Good lord!" exclaimed
God.
God then proceeded to visit his good friend Albert the Roboslayer, who was making tea. Outside, a storm of danmaku ravaged Albert the Roboslayer's
miniature blender, which contained
a magic Rubik's cube. This Rubik's cube had the ability to
change its colours to any wavelength in the visible spectrum, which was not particularly useful but very pretty to behold.
A nearby Clonepa chuckled to himself, confident that
he was confident.
He was wrong; he was in fact very uncertain but he didn't know it.
Alice
wanted to tell Bob her secret, but Carol kept butting into their conversations.
And with Mallory and Eve interfering, Alice and Bob knew that they
had to enlist the help of Trent and Warden before Craig or Dave could learn where Merlin had imprisoned Dark Empress Trudy. Meanwhile, Peggy and Victor
were about to launch
a big huge phallus-shaped
Missile aimed at Uranus
Little did they know
the Uranians already had a large projectile aimed straight at Earth, and the countdown to launch was already in the single digits.
"Oh fuck" said
the entire population of Earth, simultaneously.
As it happens, the Uranians' "large projectile" was in fact
the exclusive excrement of none other than the infamous Big Fat Butt. Shit was about to go down.
And shit did indeed go down. On impact, the monumental stool
hardened due to being suddenly compressed by the impact and its momentum and then shattered, leaving a structure shaped like the Eiffel tower but 3 times bigger where it landed. Little did anyone know that the "projectile" did not shatter into this form by accident. It was actually planned by none other than
Cassandra, who had shamelessly
startSlideShowWithPresentationId
. Her presentation consisted of nothing but a thousand pictures of
ぬるぽ
, which confused that one guy who didn't bother to study the history of ぬるぽ before the presentation. This annoyed
Michelle Obama
's imaginary friend
As a result, Michelle decreed the death sentence was to be
replaced with
public torture!
3000 people were allowed to vote on the method of torture, and the majority had chosen to
refill their ale, which caused a significant reduction in numbers. Because only a hundred or so were present for the vote,
the decision was postponed indefinitely. Meanwhile, in Tajikistan,
the pepper mines were filled with
trinitrotoluene
And all the miners all smoked cigarettes and wore clothing that attracted static electricity. This led to
the mine management posting No Smoking signs on every visible vertical surface like the bunch of anally retentive killjoys they are.
In order to get what they want, the miners chewed tobacco instead.
But that wasn't enough nicotine for them because they were addict, so they started smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco at the same time.
"I'm late! I'm late for my 100 GET!" panicked
the glorious leader of Corea.
［ (★) ］ ／￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
<丶´Д｀> ＜ "Now I've missed it by two nida!"
／ | ＼＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿
/ .|
/ "⌒ヽ |.ｲ |
＿＿ | .ノ | || |＿＿
. ノく＿＿つ∪∪ ＼
＿（（＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿_＼
￣￣ヽつ￣￣￣￣￣￣ | |￣
＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿__| |
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| |
And then the miners got
emphysema and decided to switch to nicotine patches.
Also, it turns out that the trinitrotoluene was actually
dry semen from old vietcong soldiers: a well-known substance used by
American GIs to lure nicotine addicts into abandoned mineshafts.
Naturally, the
first thing Isaac Newton did upon setting foot out of his time machine was to
fap, because in 1671 you could be sentenced to death penalty for masturbation. After that he
broke out of character to remind kids reading this story not to drink or do drugs.
He then was promptly raped by a jetpack-equipped bear before being thrown into the middle of the Pacific ocean.
At that very moment, the jetpack-equipped bear realized that bears wouldn't be able to operate a jetpack. This revelation
led to the death of
a man who was standing 30 feet below the bear
This happened only moments after the man had realized that he was standing on the water in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and had come to the conclusion that he was Jesus. However, he did not rise 3 days later as he was not Jesus. He actually just had strange, floaty feet.
Thousands of years later, children around the world would eat pudding in memory of the man with strange floaty feet.
This man's name was
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and he was extremely
fat and had unkempt body hair
. In fact, the body hair was extremely dense, and housed a family of Dokyuns. Nobody knows what happened to them after the incident, but
nobody really cared.
Meanwhile, in Oxford, a small group of tourists
were constructing a bridge out of cinnamon cookies.
This was illegal
under the Oxford ordinances of 1664. The arrest and trial of the tourists sparked a lengthly legal debate on prescription rights reform, after the botched 1832 Prescription Act. Statutory prescription stood awkwardly beside common law prescription for 200 years, until
a billionaire donated 1 million pounds to the election of someone who repealed the old laws and wrote new laws which include a provision for
sentences which go on too long.
Two kittens
were kittening around
Kittentown. Sadly, they were the last two felines in the world, for seven months earlier, just before they were born, a mysterious and highly contagious disease had sterilized every cat in the world but them. Their curious immunity was due to
the fact that they were just too god damn adorable for words. This very adorableness is what led to
and Tharsh's Insatiable Appetite for Toast
There was an atmosphere of apprehension