I admit it.
I am a Panda.
I'm an endangered black and white bastard.
I eat barely digestible bamboo for most of my waking life to make up for my refusal to eat meat.
I have been raised in a cage for the entertainment of primates and as such couldn't manage to enact coitus with a female panda if she pressed her genitals against my face.
But I can't help myself dammit, it's just the way I am.