I'm a 21 year old female college dropout. In literally the last couple weeks of my freshman year at a Midwestern community college, I dropped out after realizing that I didn't have any idea what I really wanted to do with my life and decided that I would commit suicide instead.
Still living at home and still working my high school job in food service for barely more than minimum wage, I became a recluse and slept all day, only waking to go to my job, eat, piss, and reassure my mother that I was fine. Why in the hell she believed me each time I do not know, but I don't blame her for anything. Except not putting any money aside at any point to help pay for college. ((Thus the community college.))
About a month after dropping out and procrastinating on the suicide, an aunt alerted me that there were job openings at her factory about an hour from home. She said the jobs were temporary summer jobs, meant only to last three months, and offered to rent me a room in her house for as long as they lasted. Figuring anything was better than killing myself at that point, but certainly not ruling killing myself out, I moved in to her place and began my career as a machine operator in a water valve factory.
For the first six months I was bent on killing myself. I researched my options seriously, took out life insurance on myself with my mother as the beneficiary, settled on offing myself via helium inhalation, and figured out where and for how much I could get all of my supplies.
Then things started not sucking so much. I resigned to the fact that I worked in a washing machine guts factory for good pay and awesome benefits, and decided I'd look for an apartment and try living on my own for awhile. If that failed, I figured I'd off myself in my own place on my own time. Sounded like a great plan and I began to enjoy myself.
Fast forward to a year and seven months later. I'm still living in that room and still working that "temporary" job. Every once in a while I get these horrible regret pangs for having dropped out and having never had the "college experience" that 90% of the western world's population has. I just feel incomplete and like nothing will get me over it. I want so bad to be in college, learning and making friends and just doing something. But here I am, at square one with no funds and no idea what in the fuck I want to "do when I grow up."
The reason for this thread is not for advice on how to get $80,000 worth of grants or for encouragement to go back to school. What I want and need is reassurance that not all is lost. I want to hear from other college dropouts and people who just never went but are living fulfilling lives despite that. Just share your story. I need to know that all is not lost, that choosing not to go to college is not the end of the world. Anything, anything that could help me. I've been well lately, and just today I'm sinking back in to "maybe I should kill myself (despite obviously not being 100% behind it)" mode. I hope to apply for antidepressant medication soon. I believe that will help.
Please. Any wisdom, advice, or experience you can share. Thank you.
I'm a female high school dropout. I still live at home with my father, but he's never around due to his job. I can't drive, and I have no friends. I was a recluse for three years, until I decided that I missed smelling fresh air. I began walking around town and saw a "Volunteers Needed" sign on a thrift store window. On a whim, I began volunteering. I volunteer three times a week, working at the food bank. Somehow, giving boxes of food to drug addicts who will be dead in the next few years makes me feel a lot better about myself. The old Christian ladies I work with have convinced me to get my diploma through an online program, and to go to college. Seeing those ladies, so late in their lives, really helps me. They tell me stories about surviving the depression and living through wars, and it quite simply makes me feel ridiculous for being depressed over my life. If those old ladies survived through all of that hardship, and now here they are smiling and helping their community, surely I can do something good with my life.
I don't make money, I don't have any friends. But damnit, I'm happy. I play online games, and I get a lot of respect from the people I play with. Even though it's lame, it really makes me feel important and needed. Try to develop some hobbies, OP. Being in a position where people need you and rely upon you might really help your situation.
Eeuhm, well i had to drop out because one professor kept failing me for ONE COURSE. So i'm at the last year, and he is standing in my way.I failed the exam of the course with like 10 point =40/100..and he wouldn't let me graduate (i live in europe,france).
SO i got bitter, dropped out and lost faith in the system..all those years wasted. PLUS i have some other issues, like having no social life and that was the only thing i had going.
Right now i'm lost,suicidal and empty. I want to believe in anything, but i can't..i just can't. My life has always been shit and like most 4ch'ers never got a real girlfriend which makes it all worse.
I wasn't like this before. I had hope but the many rejections,failures made me a sad man.
I got help (psych,drugs,..) but those are dillusional, they keep me off the real issues. GO TO WORK! = why? So i can be a drone to society and still feel like sh#t? Oooh you might meet someone there? OH PLEASE! ..like i said, you need faith,hope..even if it's dillusional,it can help. But i can't LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE..i've done it for years, but no.
Hope someone else has a happy ending, so skip this story.
Just wanted to give some encouragement from someone who HAS been thru college---
It's not the miracle fixer-upper you might envision it to be. I got my undergrad, trying to get a master's now. I've never had a significant other, I have no social life, and most of my free time is spent at home playing video games. College unfortunately doesn't have any courses on happiness 101. I really wish they did, because I get pretty depressed sometimes, too.
For all you who for whatever reason can't or don't want to do higher education, my advice is to find something you're good at and enjoy doing, and roll with it. Just try a variety of things until you find that one thing you say "Hey, I enjoy doing this just because, and the money is an awesome side bonus." I wish I had done that, myself, because I ended up wasting four years of my life and a lot of money switching majors twice before I settled on something, and I'm not even working in the field I graduated in. Go figure.
Practical suggestion: take part time CC courses in different fields. You can try out different subjects, and earn credits at the same time should you decide to go full-time. It's also a LOT cheaper than a 'traditional' college.
Also: Don't start any drugs. They'll just make you dependent and waste your money with no real benefit. I tried antidepressants once, didn't do squat.
>>as long as you're alive you have a future.
So does a plane that's about to crash into a mountain. It's just not a very long or happy future.
Just because there's still some amount of time ahead of you doesn't mean it's all puppies and fucking roses.
I'm a first year student at a fairly well-to-do college that I don't really think I can afford. I keep telling other people half-jokingly that I want to become a chef or truck driver and drop out.
I don't find anything I'm learning to be particularly important or interesting. More and more, I think colleges are little more than some sort of system set up by the ruling class to keep the poor in their place.
Really, the only reason I see for going to college that plays a major part in my life plan is that college is supposed to be a good place to meet people. As a person who no longer has any friends and has never had a significant other (AnoniDate, LOL), it was such a disappointment to find out that commuting equals social stagnation plus loneliness compounded by hour long drives to and fro.
I don't really give a shit about my major and I think a simple life of working full-time would be best (have you considered trade school? Some trade school occupations can pay just as well as jobs requiring college. Be an electrician or something; maybe you could be one of those lazy-ass mechanics you undoubtedly see skulking about your workplace).
Whatever you do, suicide is really a terribly thought out and selfish option. If you don't want to live anymore, join the peace corps or something. Don't hurt your family; how much do you think a life insurance policy could console a parent burying their child? I hope someday that your thoughts on suicide appear just as absurd as they are.
Also, I'm pretty sure antidepressants only serve to increase the risk of suicide. I'd stay away and see if you could afford an honest-to-god therapist or maybe really make an effort to talk with your mother, no matter how much you think she doesn't get it.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide, OP. You seem very intelligent and you're still quite young. I'm positive you can make something of yourself. Plus, you have Anon, though that's a bit of a double-edged sword at times.
are you a doctor? If you aren't you should not be giving out potentially harmful medical advice over internet.
OP speak with an actual GP about anti-depressants, they will be able to give you a factual overview of the potential risks and benefits of anti-depressants, to help you decide if it is the right treatment for you.
>>6 doesn't mean you can't steer out of the way :/
In my 1st year I got put on academic probation cause I'd keep skip class to just ride buses aimlessly around the city. After that semester I dropped out and worked full time at a soup factory. (lol)
I dunno what was worse, messing up in college or working in a mind rotting job. After like 7 months I couldnt take it anymore and I got me a working visa and a plane ticket to Australia.
I spent a year in Australia re-evaluating my priorities and what I want to do. Not only do it clear my head, I meant a lot of interesting and wonderful people. Normally Im a intorverted person, but a lot of people who are like minded so it help talking with them.
Now Im back in Canada persuing a degree in micro biology. Hopefully I'll be able to make some contibution to the world with this degree.
Life not 100% smiles, but I know its ok.
I can relate to many of the stories, but I think I'm on the process of improving. I'll share that process in hopes that it may help someone else.
I believe the major problem is the commonly held social beliefs surrounding the education institutions. They, especially many parents, expect children to go through this treadmill and come out 'intelligent' and then land a high paying job. That purpose is drilled into children, but when they drop out of that treadmill, they lose their prescribed purpose. For many, and myself, possessing no purpose causes an existential despair that can become depressing. We see others moving along the treadmill happy and successful and we question why we are incapable of the same. We then conjecture that we are defective because we are unable to function according to social expectations.
Ultimately, once we drop out of what society expects of us, we have to develop our own purpose, which is a difficult thing. It requires we explore what's out there and also what's inside us. To explore what's out there means to go and travel, associate with/find people of integrity, read books, or do whatever interests you. And to explore what's in us means resolving any esteem issues through some form of therapy if required, and trying to re-adjust our mental outlook to one that is more in tune to values which are not those of common social delusions. That is, do not be envious of those who are going through the education system without any critical awareness, without thinking for themselves. I feel pity that they would do all that without really learning or developing themselves into self-actualized individuals.
Instead, realize that you're at a very special moment of your life where you can take control of where you go next instead of social influences cramming a purpose down your throat. You are at a point were you need to make some critical self-discovery. You need to find yourself a new purpose. Be thankful that you have the courage to drop away from social expectations and take time out for yourself. To find your purpose, you need to discover where your passions lie and assess those esteem issues, as I mentioned. Then, build from that. It will most likely draw you back to post-secondary education anyways, and once you're back you'll be ready for it with an ambition in mind.
>>12 You write very eloquently! If this is unscripted then I really envy your writing! You should be a dropout and move to france and smoke little cigarettes while sipping a latte while scribbling on tissue paper! :D
>>13 12 here. Thank you. I appreciate it. My writing has only improved by the readings I've done since dropping out.
I spent two years in University. Yet, while I was there, I dabbled in every undergrad faculty. I was still indecisive about my future and I disapproved of those who pursued degrees in order to make high salaries without an interest in the personal development opportunities education can provide. I found the courses lacking. I often skipped classes and studied from the text since professors only seemed to reiterate. The subjects of the lectures were taught in a way as if you were analyzing it separate from reality. This caused some pretentious ivory tower attitudes in my fellow academics.
Long story short. I dropped out, began reading books on anything of interest, went traveling (even running from home a few times), tried many different things, and sought the required help to overcome my suicidal depression. The point is to just do what you love because it will build on to other things, and that's how you build your authentic self instead of following the bare minimum, social standards. And, it will most likely lead back to school anyhow because that's the only place where you can develop your skill further in a way that is socially recognized or professionalized. Don't forget to to build esteem and confidence in yourself first. It all starts from yourself. To go ahead with studies, or any activity, but not as your authentic self is not a 'life.' Don't look down at this drop-out period. Many of the smartest, considerate, compassionate people dropped out or flunked school. Mark Twain once said, “I never let school interfere with my education.”
I recommend reading, especially. But, I know it's not for everyone. Personally, many books were useful in aiding me reassess my life values. For example, Pirsig's 'Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' details a protagonist who flunks university because he shares differences about the university structure. The protagonist goes through this learning process outside of university, eventually comes back to university ready to deal with it.
My outlook on life changed tremendously in the past 24 months.
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random, maybe useless or obvious advice:
-see a shrink, having someone to talk to is priceless. if the shrink sucks or you see no improvement after 2-6 months, ditch the shrink and look for a new one. but you need to know what your problems are (depression? indifference? motivation? panic attacks? anxiety?)
-meds are okay, but if you want your improvements to last, take medication AND see a shrink. medication without change in your head more often than not will only provide temporary relief/improvement. my social anxiety is not inborn (I wasn't always like this), so I choose not to take meds.
-I also recommend reading. self-help books, novels, non-fiction. while I love scifi & fantasy, I do not recommend them if you want more than enjoyment out of books.
-consider musical and physical activity yadayada :)
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my story:
I dropped out of college not only once, but four times (2003,2004,2005,2006). I reapplied every year. I was granted scholarship, so I didn't have to worry about tuition and living expenses. I'm 25 now. My problem was, and to a much lesser extent, still is social anxiety.
I didn't apply in 2007, nor did I in 2008, because scholarship was denied and I don't have job. And I knew it wouldn't make any sense because I'd just drop out again due to lack of social integration/interaction. I knew I would have to get rid of my social anxiety before taking another shot at college again.
Since then I've been working on my anxiety and confidence issues , I have come a long way already (but still with lots of room for improvement), maybe I'll reapply this year or 2009.
I hope this post didn't turn out to be condescending, it's late here and I'm tired. :)
22 (soon to be 23) year old dropout here.
I was on a continual slide into depression and social isolation from 10th grade to 12th grade in high school. By 12th grade I had given up all friends (literally ditched the few I had), had no one to sit with at lunch (went to library or walked halls), and had no social circle whatever. I had learned to be completely alone and independent. Eventually this grew into fear of any form of interaction with other people at all. I was catatonically depressed by graduation. Didn't go to the graduation ceremony, didn't have my photo taken, didn't get a yearbook.
I had no job this whole time. I spent most of the time in my basement room, lights off, A/C unit set to 64 degrees. Sometimes internetting, sometimes watching tv, sometimes trying to fall asleep even though I wasn't tired. Just coping with and accepting loneliness.
I managed to apply to only one college, a 4th tier shit state school. I was unenthusiastic, just going through the motions. I drove there with my dad for the orientation, unenthusiastic the whole ride. It was a life changing event. I was plucked from my safe routine, my pattern of living that necessitated zero social interaction or dependency. For the first time in years I was thrown out to fend for myself without a fallback. The defining point of the experience was when I had finished one orientation class and did not know my way to the next classroom on the agenda. Instead of asking for directions, I found a cafeteria table to sit at alone. I sat there for over an hour, silently, staring at a clock. I did this because I had lost the ability to talk to people. I didn't have the courage to simply ask someone to show me the room. I was too used to my safe patterns.
Soon after I met up with my dad. I basically clung to him (so as to have a safe fallback) while we sat through one more orientation speech. I learned during that speech that freshmen were going to separate from their parents and go spend a night in the dorms. That was the it. I couldn't do that. I told him I'd made up my mind: I'm going to community college, then I'll transfer. Drive me home, I can't take any more of this. I was conscious, during every agonizing second, that this was a crossroads that I would remember for the rest of my life.
My dad and I didn't speak a single word to each other during the 4 hour trip back home.
I eventually went through 2 semesters of community college, during which I continued the cycle of complete social isolation that I had perfected during high school. I even walked out during one assignment that required us to get in groups. My biology professor, on the last day of class, took me outside the room and told me to "get help."
I transfered to a local university after those 2 semesters. I waffled between majors (IT, CompSci, others) and never formally declared a major. I was still living in the same basement room, still the same pattern of friendless isolation. NO campus events, parties, every free moment alone in my house. My room became a mental prison.
Anyway I had a breakdown during the 3rd semester. I stopped signing up for classes, and I've only had one 1 job (host at a restaurant) since. I have no friends. I type to you now from the same (parents' basement) room, the same computer, as before.
I could write forever... but currently I still have the option to go back to school and have my parents pay for it, but I'm opting not to. I don't have the social ability, I never will, so I see no reason to go back and torture myself. Though part of me desperately wants to get a degree, get some friends and have the college experience, start a meaningful career that I care about, and create a life I can be enthusiastic about living.
But I fear that my destiny is to stagnate in a low level job... Let inertia carry me through the path of least resistance, 'going through' rather than 'living' life.
Just like you, OP.
The fact that I gave up on that dream makes me look negatively at every option I have in life. Shit jobs that I will accept with resignation, and that I don't have the motivation or strength to do anything about.
I look with envy at the beautiful 20-somethings together in their VW Jetta, blaring some incomprehensible music and smiling with each other. I overflow with regret and envy every single time I see a nice, cleanly-kept, modest car parked in a suburban driveway with a college-letter sticker on the back.
WHatever.. as it stands today, my parents are going to use the tuition money (my dad is moderately rich anyway) to set me up in an apartment so I can try to become independant. I'm as unenthusiastic about this as I was about college. It's a last resort. I fear I will end up like you OP. If that doesn't work I'm going to a mental hospital (or killing myself).
tl;dr I wish I could give you an uplifting story, but I suspect that people like us are destined to a life of diminished expectations, contentement with depression, and misery.