(・∀・) Grandpa, my latest Japanese homework came back marked "自演乙". What does that mean?

( ´ω`) You know I can't read Chinese, boy.

(・∀・) Well, then, can you help me calculate the contour integral of a Bessel function?

( ´ω`) I can tell ya, but when they pop a rifle in your hands and leave you in the jungle to kill some guys ya never met, you'll have to know how to do it for yourself.

(・∀・) Grandpa, the only thing you've ever killed was your own kidney!

( ´ω`) Bit 'a kilt it real good, ma buoy.

( ・-・) Not for lack of trying back in World War Cirrhosis.

( ´ω`) Big words for someone who's never wept nor dashed a thousand kim.

Grandpa, are you a hikikomori?

( ´ω`) W-wha?! Who said that?!

(・∀・) Grandpa, why did DQN die?

( ´ω`) DQN isn't dead, it just smells funny.

(・∀・) Dad must be around here somewhere, then.

Can I have the Clonepa recipe?

( ´ω`) Dammit, this hearing aid is picking up NPR again.

( ´ω`) Now my gold tooth is picking up Fox News at the same time! My head hurts like hell listening to all this at the same time! I should go take some medicine now.

( ・-・) ahahahahaha AHAHAHAHAHA AH HA HA HA HA!

( ・-・) er

( ・-・) i mean

( ・-・) they're right here.

( ´ω`) Last time one of you nutters gave me my pills I began seeing fractal unicorns.
( ´ω`) Not to say I didn't enjoy the experience, mind. But I have diabetes, not Chronic Tolkien Sydrome.

( ・-・) TAKE YOUR GODDAMN PILLS FROM ME YOU OLD FART

(・∀・) Grandpa, can I have the Clonepa recipe? That one ghost doesn't have a head or hands and can't use the recipe anyway.

( ´ω`) No. The Clonepa recipe is an ancient Chinese secret, and not for the beak-faced likes of you, boy.

( ・-・) HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS ME IN DISGUISE? AAAAIGH!

( ´ω`) I will never reveal the Wu-Tang secret.

(・-・ ) If he took his pills, he never would have found out.

( ´ω`) beat 3 eggs, add 2 tablespoons olive or safflower oil, and 1 teaspoon vinegar.

( ´ω`) apply mixture to clonepa and cover with plastic wrap. wait half an hour and then shampoo well.

Grandpa, why are you such a fag?

( ´ω`) I'm really getting tired of NPR's blatant liberal bias.

This is CNN, not NPR. Also, you're a fag.

( ´ω`) I'm not inclined to argue with invisible people, good sir.

(・∀・) Grandpa, why do people from that place have to come ruin our fun?

( ´ω`) Be quiet Johnny, the adults are speaking.

(・∀・) Grandpa, is it true that you used to be the Cheech Wizard?

( ´ω`) Your primitive mind couldn't accept da truth.

( ・-・) How long did it take you to google up that quote?

Grandpa is afraid of losing an argument with us invisibles.

Yeah, he's just a scaredy-cat like the rest of you guys.

( ´ω`) I'll be in the den, watching TV and cracking racist jokes about invisipeople.

( ´ω`) This is no different from what I do every day.

Anonymous does not forgive, grandpa

( ´ω`) Yo mama so invisible even Bill Clinton won't look at her

( ´ω`) Yo mama so ethereal, the Theory of Special Relativity is a better description of yo existence

( ´ω`) Yo mama so hard to see she ugly

( ´ω`) And vice versa.

( ´ω`) I live... again.

( ´ω`) It was like NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS, THAT'S WHAT.

( ´ω`) That is, ask again when you've had "the talk".

(・∀・) Grandpa, what's "the talk"?

( ´ﾟωﾟ`) brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

( ´ω`) No thanks, I'll just change the subject again.

(・∀・) Grandpa, how are skittles made?

( ´ω`) 2 tbsp beer
( ´ω`) 1/8 tsp Worcestershire sauce

( ´ω`) preheat oven to 375
( ´ω`) Mix ingredients until well-grated.

( ´ω`) remove linguini from squid, serve

( ・ω・) Billiards!

(・∀・) Grandpa, why do your cookies smell of bitter almonds?

( ´ω`) Ancient Chinese proverb:

( ´ω`) Grunka lunka dunkity dingredient
( ´ω`) You should not ask about the secret ingredient.

( ´ω`) But since you asked nicely, the secret ingredient is bitter almonds.

(・∀・) Grandpa, that's Oompa Loompa, not Chinese.

( ´ω`) Didn't you know? Every Chinese person is just two Oompa Loompas on top of each other, with the top wearing heavy make-up. They are plotting to fill the pacific with delicious chocolate.

( ´ω`) Anyone who runs is a VC. Anyone who stands still is a well disciplined VC.

( ・ω・) You play Valkyria Chronicles too?

( ・ω・) Jawsome! You're my new bestest bestest buddy.

( ・ω・) I like Alicia.

( ´ω`) I spent my mortal life working a rice stand for this...?

[´ɯ`] Life? Don't talk to me about life.

( ಠωಠ) I see what you did there.

( ・-・) ...

(・∀・) Grandpa, what's this thread really about?

( ´ω`) This thread is now about GRANDPA.

( ´ω`) Grandpa grandpa grandpa grandpa.

(・∀・) Grandpa, when did the first conspiracy ever get started?

( ´ω`) When God crapped out the third caveman.

[ ´ɯ`] You were the second caveman. You should know. Beep boop.

(( ´ω`) Yeah, we fucked up 3's shit good.

(・∀・) Grandpa, when will this thread finally die a peaceful death?

( ´ﾟωﾟ`) wｈen ｙｏu stｏp aｓkｉｎg ｕｓｅｌｅｓs ｑuｅstｉons ａnd lｅt m ｅ dｉeｅｅeｅｅｅｅeeｅeｅe

(・∀・) Well, that's going to be a problem, because I'm young and bursting with short questions!

( ´ω`) Go read a book, then.

(・∀・) What's a "book"?

( ´ω`) It's what we used to read before the Internet

( ´ω`) A sort of nonvolatile storage medium, you see.

( ´ω`) Better than scrolls like MP3s are better than tape.

(・∀・) GRANDPA! This is 1993! The only people who know what MP3s are basically huge nerds!

( ´ω`) You kids and your eight track...!

(・∀・) GRANDPA! What gender is beady-eyes?

　　　　 ,.-.、
　　　 / .／　_,..-、
　　　 i /__／,..--,i　
　　., ' ｀　　´ヽ、
　　i <ノルﾚﾉﾙ'　　　　　
　　i　!i；・-・)!|. 　 I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever have.
　　| /,ﾘ_'Y_rつ
　　'i'<,i__i,」ﾘ.　
　　　 .!,ﾝｲﾉ

( ´ﾟ-ﾟ`) feels electric, POSSESSED by the JOY of LUCIFER, oh my goodness such an amazing RUSH, now I can WRITE and WRITE and WRITE about HIS glory, HIS splendor, oh yess, I feel like I never have to sleep again yes yes yes yes yes... yes yes yes pills pills pills pills pills pills pills pills

( ´ﾟ-・`) Allow me to explain. This afternoon, Dave came home, wide eyed and bright red. He was clutching a crinkled grocery bag in his hands, which looked like it was full of candy and breath mints.

( ´ﾟ-・`) Naturally, I inquired as to his current state and to the contents of the bag, as well. He hissed and hit me in the face with his palm. I was stunned. Dave then violently grabbed my head and shoved a handful of multicolored tablets into my mouth.

( ´ﾟ-・`) He hissed some more, covered my mouth with his strong hands, and plugged my nose. I had no choice but to swallow. He then lept up off of me and started laughing hysterically. I, obviously shaken, looked up at Dave and saw, for the first time in my love, a truly divine creature.

( ´ﾟ-・`) Imbued with the power of creation; t he violence, the fury, the chaotic heat of a star in full blaze. I realized then that MAN is GOD if he CHOOSES to BE and to EAT the PILLS that will MAKE HIM THE NEW GOD.

( ´ﾟ-・`) AND THE NEW GOD, THE GREAT REBEL OF THE AGES, SATAN, SATAN, SATAN ARISES.

( ◕ ヮ◕) Dave's not here, man!

( ◕ ヮ◕) It's a philisophical question, I think. If I swallow them, are they really still "yours" in any sense of the word? In a convulsive jingling of heavenly bells the realization comes to me that all of creation is mine to do with as I will. I. AM. THE. NEW. GOD.

MY GODPILLS! NOT YOURS! BAD!
　　　 ∧__∧　 ∩
　　　（,,´ω`)彡☆
　　　　⊂彡☆))ヮ◕) ha ha ha hoo hoo hoo
　　　　　☆

( ◕ω◕) Whoa, contact buzz.

( ´ω`) Good idea. It'll take a good haymaker like Dr. Aldrin's to show this fella who's boss.

( ◕ ヮ◕) Erections lasting over 4 hours should be treated by a doctor? What for? This boner of mine is awesome!

(・∀・) Grandpa, where can I get a good deal in a Christian atmosphere?

( ´ω`) Definitely not here on Earth.

(・∀・) Grandpa, who am us anyway?

( ・ω・) We're one of you.
( ・ω・) And you're one of us, I think.
( ・ω・) Maybe.
( ・ω・) Possibly.

[ ´ɯ`] Beep boop.