I wish I could just `take it easy.' Even if I could feign being normal, I'd be fine.
I'm afraid of small talk, [not to be confused with the `object-oriented, dynamically typed, reflective programming language."] just, any sort of daily communication simply terrifies me. I suffer from severe ptsd due to being severely abused the majority of my life, I'm ocd, I have no self esteem despite being both attractive' and intelligent'. I've finally managed to meet someone that I like and do not feel threatened by, but I feel as if my lack of self confidence is going to push it away. I am so happy to be with a person I can care for, but really, is it worth it for them to feel my burden? Sometimes I don't know what to do, I've never felt emotions like this and it wholeheartedly terrifies me. I long to be abused and left alone, something familiar. ...and now, I'm trying desperately to adapt to what a normal' lifestyle consists of. I've never been allowed to eat on my own accord, I don't know how to make my own decisions, it's all so shameful. I worry that I'll never adapt, and that, what I've always wanted might just not be feasible. I don't want to give up on myself, but I feel utterly pathetic.