The body's filled with garbage. Just trash. Banana peels, coffee grinds, cans, the works!
The body is missing its left buttock. However, the resulting wound was not fatal because all the blood had been already sucked off in an unknown way.
Judging by the presence of a penis and a beard, the deceased was a middle-aged white male.
There's a red "D" written on the wall. It smells like blood...
>>5
A D made of blood. Blood D. Bloody! The murderer must have been British!
It is not a "D", it is a rather hastily written "O". Blood-O! The murderer is clearly a clumsy American.
A bloodless body, a missing buttstock, a D made of blood...
I'll check his pockets. There's a keyring with a lambda-shaped key and a USB flash drive... A copy of SICP... A wallet with some money... That's all.
Now, while we wait for the rest of the police to arrive, I'd like to interrogate you, >>1-4,6-7. Tell me your whereabouts in the hotel before >>1 discovered the body.
Hello, I am the minister of the environment. You have to abandon this case now and work on reducing the carbon footprint of the British national train system.
Minister of environment,
I am the claws and teeth of the queen.
Why have you rolled me into this sorrow,
So that I have no abiding place?
Minister of environment,
I am the taloned soldier of the queen.
Why have you rolled me into this sorrow,
So that there is no end of my toils?
Minister of environment,
You have indeed acted without discrimination.
Why have you rolled me into this sorrow,
So that my lolis have to do all the labour of cooking?
Enough of this nonsense, it is clar that this matter must be handled in a timely manner as to protect the Tsar's authority. I will schedule the trial for >>23, arrest whomever you please and I shall se to it he gets the Hyuukah in true San Loreznian fashion.
>>8
I was eating a bowl at Yoshinoya at 1993-09-7112 from 16:23 - 04:47
>>8
I'd just gotten home from an evening under the moon with my favourite loli. I opened the front door to the Elitist Superstructure and there was a corpse right there on the floor!
I paced back and forth muttering "Doushiou!" a few times, released the emergency mittens to calm my nerves, and eventually decided to phone for a detective. Then >>2-7 showed up.
>>13 Is an impostor! This horrible DETETIVE has hidden the real DETECTIVE from us somewhere! I bet he's the murderer!
I'll see you suckers at >>21! Good luck arresting me without your precious DETECTIVE!
Look, he's using a syringe to drain all of >>12's blood! He must be the killer! Somebody, quick, check the first body for a needlestick!
I bet police ain't gonna help us. We gotta solve this ourselves if we wanna have this murder solved. Let's lynch somebody!
Well? Who is the killer? The trial is supposed to be on now and you have no suspect. I'm going to have to say that the Tsar will be disappointed greatly. It's probably best that the DETECTIVE skip town until he forgets about it if he doesn't want his fingers fed to a snake.
>>23
Hmm. Who but the killer would want to discourage further investigation?
I'll bet it was the minister of winter clothing, he's always hanging around unwanted.
the Minister of Waterways management seems oddly suspicious...
From my painstaking research of other threads, I have established that the Minister of Kobithe either did or did not murder >>0 of either this or possibly some other thread.
>>27
We will have to appoint a new ministry and hold a special election to fill the post for this investigation.
Anything I need to know about here gentleman?
Maybe the killer was a m-m-m-MONSTER!
maybe >>0 masturbated himself to death...
I realised something and ran back as fast as I could! I think >>0 was murdered!
>>31
Pah, blatant anti-monster propaganda! Not all of us monsters are murderers, you know; some of us choose only to frighten or cause inconvenience to humans. Show some respect!
Meanwhile, in the police station
DETECTIVE! I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE, NOW! IF YOUR WORK WERE ANY SLOPPIER, I'D CALL YOU "JOE." WHILE YOU WERE WASTING TIME GATHERING GODDAMN EVIDENCE YOU LET THE IMPOSTER "DETETIVE" SLIP OUT RIGHT UNDERNEATH OUR GODDAMN NOSES. WHERE WERE YOU AT >>21? YOU JUST LET THE BASTARD SNEAK RIGHT OUT! I NEED A STIFF DRINK. I'M SET TO RETIRE THIS WEEK AND THIS CASE ISN'T GOING TO SOLVE ITSELF. FUCK UP AGAIN AND YOU'RE OFF THE GODDAMN CASE.
The thread title is wrong, it should be Murder Ministry Thread.
( ˃ Д˂) WHAT? IS THAT NO-GOOD HALF-WIT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DETECTIVE OF MINE SLEEPING ON THE JOB AG-
―( ﾟДº)―･∵. BANG
( ﾟДº∴. Oh g-god...I've been shot...tell my wife...I can't make it to the play tonight...
( xдx∴.
( xдx∴.
( ˃ Дx∴. AND SOMEBODY GET ME THAT GODDAMN STIFF DRINK!
I will have to ask you all to stop thinking, feeling.
:0)
no don't
He's certainly not one of my employees, he isn't even wearing a robe or carrying a ceremonial knife.
I think we should check the USB flash drive found in >>0's pocket.
Inserts USB FLASH DRIVE into LAPTOP
The files are encrypted; it asks for a password.
>__
Pssst. I'm "sordid."
I think the password is sordid!
Quickly, let's get some bagels! And call the Ministry of Straight Priorities!
Disbanded! The entire government is disbanded! Go away, silly ministers!
Now, solve the crime or face fifteen years in dungeon!
I'm afraid you don't have the power to do that. No one will be usurping this administration anytime soon.
>>55
To the dungeon with you! Guard, seize him!
Now, all ex-ministers, go and solve the crime. No administrative positions until the crime is solved!
>>56
Knock that shit off. Don't listen to this lunatic. Continue the ministering.
Okay, let's review what we know about the murderer:
I propose that we perform autopsies of the other corpses and then start rounding up witnesses and suspects.
>>59, if you'd be so kind, inspect >>12's body; >>60, inspect the Detective, and >>61, the Angry Police Captain.
From the examination of >>12's body I have found 3 bone knives, 2 bone masks, a poorly written letter professing his love for his little sister, a number of Russian text only encrypted traffic terminals, 142 rivets, 0 liters of blood, 1 meter of syringe sticking out his back, and a sticky note on his head that reads "No real than you are, the murder is " but the bottom is ripped off and a small phone in his pocket that has nothing but a tanasinn symbol on it.
He... he's still alive, barely! He seems to have suffered some blunt trauma to the back of his head, and has been bleeding fairly badly. In my professional opinion as a doctor or some such, I'd say he'll probably regain consciousness somewhere around >>64.
>>64 is taking a while... and you guys still haven't solved this case?
I'll inspect the Angry Police Captain's body... There's a Police Captain Special revolver, the keys of the police station, and a drawing of the police station. It seems that there's a tunnel network that passes underneath it...
I want to do something!
He obviously is talking about /VIP/ on 4chan. The murder must be there and not in some sort of citadel.
>>65
What the hell do you know about crime solving! Get the hell out of here!
Hold on >>66, you forgot to change your mood this morning! Here, take this dose of "flirty."
>>67
Who are you to tell me how I'm feeling? How 'bout you show me your credentials. ;)
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN AND HANG THAT MINISTER OF MOODS! HE WASTED MILLIONS ON HIS MOODS! HANG HIM IMMEDIATELY!!
Shhh
DISREGARD THAT MINISTER, BE UNQUIET.
The Angry Police Captain has been shot!
No, let's make weird Portal 2 co-op maps!
Why? This is clearly a conspiracy to attack the unholy citadel, they have not really done anything to us. Also since they are not Elitists and instead simply have eternity on our side time does not pass there so we would never be able to return.
>>75
Oh, we will just slaughter them all and build DQN anew. It would be even more Elitist.
>>76
But the unholy citadel is nearly the same as DQN, but dead. It's where dead DQN go.
BawbAWWWK! Brawk bawk bok bok bok baBRARARKKRAUCK!
*The Ministers were clowning around as if we were in a three ring murder circus. A minister for every animal, mineral, and vegetable. Something about that Minister of Murder struck me the wrong way. He was as shady as a palm tree on a tropical island. He seemed like the only one able to keep quiet in this madhouse.
What's my stake in this case? A personal connection with the victim? A sense of moral obligation? A penchant for solving crimes? No. Self interest. If I didn't solve this case my career would be as dead as the Grandpa.*
It looks like there's a note in >>0's coat pocket. It seems to be a romantic letter.
It's a lie! >>0 never existed in the first place! It's all a big government cover up!
What are you fools doing? Did anybody ever get those bagels? Has anybody called the Minister of Ministries in here to sort out the other demands?
Since the answer to all those questions is 'no' I'm guessing our ministry forgot to release the decoded message in >>52 to the public. Well, here it is:
"Nice job decoding, it seems that at least one ministry can do their job correctly.
Anyway, yes I killed >>0. And I will kill again. >>89. I will kill >>89, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
However if:
You have not decoded this by >>75, I WILL kill more. I MAY even decide to kill more if you HAVE decoded it by >>75! That's how much of a psycho I am!
Anyway, if you want to stop me from killing altogether (Except >>89. >>89 is good as dead already), I have a few demands that need to be met. Deliver these demands to the Minster of Ministries.
You have been warned,
Murderer of >>0"
Hello, >>81, there's no need to stress out. All is not quite lost. For the ministry of decoding it seems you're completely helpless when it comes to decoding chicken, or else you would have known that >>78 said,
"Hello sirs and madams, I brought the bagels and cream cheese you asked for. I hope that the murderer finds it quite to her or his satisfcation."
>>82
How do I know you're not just making all this up!
I have received a report from the assassins that I send after >>0's murderer. They inform me that they followed their trail to the tunnel network that connects the Superstructure with the Unholy Citadel. It seems that the murderer may have entered the Citadel...
I don't know about the authenticity of the message that >>81 decoded, but I'm sure that >>89's death has been avoided, for now.
Just dropping in.
>>83
Don't worry, I'm sure he's telling the truth.
I'm not the murderer, I was just passing by.
Well, this is going to be bad for business.
I'll bet he fled to the [CYOA] threads >>37, we will catch him there!
Have you still not caught him?
Whaaaaaaa
>>97
You are... Oh, OMG, this is so amusing! You are a MOP!
It was actually a seditious minister trying to goad war with the unholy citadel so he could use his ties with an arms company to profit from the war.
>>100
I would never do such a thing, and I can't stand the thought of living under a government that would accuse me of such! Let's burn down the capital and throw out those bums in charge!
I'll pack the powder!
VIVA LA REVOLUTION!
OBLITERATE THE CABAL!
NEW THREAD!
Now that the ministers are all gone, let's get back to finding out who the murderer is!
Where did they go?
Secret anti-government meeting place
WHAT! HOW DARE ARE YOU TO LEAVE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!
EVERYONE, GO TO THE DUNGEON! MINISTER OF REPEATING TELL OTHER MINISTERS TO GO TO THE DUNGEON!!
Sorry, toots, I'm the minister of causeless rebelling now. I'm gonna ride into the sunset.
Why do I have to deal with all of those people?
I do not think that we are meant by the history to survive.
We do not need queens. We do not need dungeons.
Let us find the murderer and murder him. Then shall we keep
murdering, for the end of the humankind is inevitable.
― At ease, ministers. Name's Pooply, detective. I see you got yourself a bunch of stiffs and nobody to solve the crime.
With these words a coated man looking exactly like Harrison Ford in Blade Runner entered the room. Clearly he was a bitter cop, unknown to pleasures of everyday life, a man who long abandoned his dreams.
Pooply here appears to be narrating current events.
Detective Pooply demanded, "So, where is the first victim? Lead me to the crime scene. I will catch that rascal in no time!"
Ministers just stood there, surprised and speechless because of Pooply's narrative.
"Come on, you lazy slobs!" detective Pooply urged them, "Crime won't solve itself. I will solve it."
This just in! I'm reporting from the scene of the crime, and it appears police have just found a new piece of evidence. It's...it's a fairly nice shirt!!
It's not mine, all my shirts are fairly bad.
| ＼
|Д｀) No one is here.
|⊂ It is my duty to dance now.
|
♪ ☆
♪ ／ ＼ RANTA TAN
ヽ(´Д｀;)ﾉ RANTA TAN
( へ) RANTA RANTA
く TAN
♪ ☆
♪ ／ ＼ RANTA RANTA
ヽ（;´Д｀）ﾉ RANTA TAN
(へ ) RANTA TANTA
> TAN
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