INSTANT REVIEW : Closer
A movie about 4 people who know how to cheat on each other.
Natalie Portman still sucks at acting.
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> pounding Rory's pussy.
every time my eye glances over this I think it's about Rory Mercury until I read back
INSTANT REVIEW: Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) (4.5/5)
"An action-rich multiverse story about overcoming generational trauma and nihilism through the power of love", that's easy to not like if you can't relate or don't have enough patience for rapid random weird stuff to stick around for the payoff.
INSTANT REVIEW: Yojimbo (1961) (5/5)
Up there in the pantheon of "guy decides to fuck things up because why not". The most "on a whim" I've ever decided to watch a film and I was not disappointed. Good one, Jimbo.
>>510
let's be honest, everyone normal hates this weeb garbage. only niggers and wiggers like evangelion.
>>515 i am a heron. i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak. if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
INSTANT REVIEW: Più forte ragazzi! (1973)
I liked the parrots reacting to the fist fight.
INSTANT REVIEW: Nerve (2016) (2/5)
A friend found this DVD at the dump. Unopened. An interesting sci-fi concept involving rogue social media. It's overpowered by a soundtrack that hadn't aged well long before this was made. Definitely a vehicle for the motorcycle scene at 43:18. Low budget action done well. It’ll go back to the dump someday. But probably not this week.
INSTANT REVIEW: Densha Otoko 10/10
I know, I know, this is a film talked about to death on textboards. Story of an otaku who falls in love with a normie girl after saving her from a rapist on the train, he turns to 2channel for dating advice because he's socially dysfunctional and has no friends. Basically, this film is unrealistic. We all know text/imageboard users aren't that nice, we're sadistic motherfuckers more likely to mock train man for falling for a mainstream girl or just fuck with his head in general. Also, a respectable professional girl falling for an otaku like that is just unrealistic. In real life it would all fall apart once he starts running his mouth about his favourite hentai and making lewd jokes or when she learns he can't shut the fuck up about anime. The plus side is we have a great confession scene that'll leave you drowning in cum and tears and what the heck its a movie about textboards so I'll give it a 10. Chalk it up to bias.
INSTANT REVIEW: Coordinates of Death (1985)
Soviet Vietnamese film about the Vietnam War. Very bad and contains barely any plot. It's mostly compilations of Soviets dressed as Americans flying around in Hueys while drinking beer and eating burgers while mowing down villages with miniguns as funky music plays in the background. Ends with boring ass propaganda mock trial against captured American pilots.
Feels like a 70s movie with decent effects but uses a lot of stock gunfire and explosion sounds I recognize from lots of video games. Didn't realize those stock sounds were so old. My guess is their audio equipment was terrible because there's real explosions and shit, so they did this in post to salvage it.
Never been a fan of non anglos speaking English in cinema, but seeing Vietnamese actors dubbed in Russian is probably worse.
Perhaps there's a better version out there without the stock sounds and dubbing.
INSTANT REVIEW: Shin Godzilla (2016) 3.8/5
A remake/reimagining of the original Godzilla set in post-3/11 Japan. Rather than focusing on ordinary civillians like the original film, this movie focuses on the politicians and government bureaucrats who have to manage the crisis of a giant lizard suddenly appearing to wreck the Kanto region. The Godzilla in this looks pretty awesome, his final form is a truly awesome beast. I just wish that there were more stand alone rampage sequences. Also the ending sucks because the bureaucrats manage to stop Godzilla which is totally unrealistic, we all know the one thing pencil neck can't do is their own damn job. Also, the Evangelion battle music was a nice touch.
INSTANT REVIEW: Meteor (1979) 1/5
It takes its turn at being every kind of 70s action movie on the way to botching every conceivable scientific fact. Sean Connery would rather be sailing, and can you blame him? The poster is a lie, only miniatures get to go to outer space. Notable for depicting a direct hit on the World Trade Center. How insensitive! I demand 1979 apologize!
INSTANT REVIEW: Jail Bait (1954) 1/5
Ed Wood made this below-average noir five years before Plan 9. Disappointingly for a 21st century audience, this is not porno. At this time he still had professionals on-staff for lighting and sets. There is even one character who is deaf and dumb, meaning Wood did have quality standards for his talent. At least in 1954. Blackface vaudeville act featured at 16 minutes, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe Wood was just friends with them??
I watched that movie "White Noise" since there was so much buzz about it from that Ohio situation. It was a garbage shit hole of a movie. I wanted my time back and hated it. Easily a 1/5 don't recommend never will watch again.
INSTANT REVIEW: White Buffalo (1977) 2/5
Charles Bronson, a nonchalant murderer of indigenous people, teams up with an indigenous man, who shares a love of murdering indigenous people, to do battle with a special effects buffalo. You can't say it didn't try something new.
INSTANT REVIEW: John Wick Chapter 4
Action scenes are great. The story is whack. Just another John Wick movie where Keanu Reeves is seemingly impervious to bullets, jumping out of 5 story buildings and being hit by cars. Pretty boring over all. They really need to stop making these movies. Also, Osama Bin Laden gets whacked by Keanu so… yeah. Tragic.
INSTANT REVIEW: Anything by Disney recently.
Crap.
INSTANT REVIEW: Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part I (2023) (4/5)
A rogue AI doesn't do what it's best at (making three-armed sexy anime girls), but instead tries to take over the world. Tom Cruise has to jump off a lot of tall things in beautiful places about it. Never boring.
INSTANT REVIEW: Zardoz
Excellent style and rich philosophy that both get explored thoroughly.
INSTANT REVIEW: Paradise Now 8/10
Two buddies from the West Bank volunteer to become suicide bombers to escape their shitty lives and the threat of NEETdom, but the operation doesn't go according to plan when they get cold feet. There is a lot of bleak humor and black comedy and a few scenes where the characters give monologues about life under Israeli occupation which can come off as too preachy and forced for an otherwise subtle film.
INSTANT REVIEW:Shin Godzilla.
Just watched this movie and I thought it was great. It managed to make Godzilla unique and Anno put his own spin on it without really going into pure campy territory.
INSTANT REVIEW: Napoleon (2023) (2/5)
Another bad Hollywood biopic. Bad script, bad direction, bad acting. If you didn’t know anything about the Napoleonic wars, you’d probably never know what the hell’s going on in this movie. It’s all so uninspired and dull. Neither a personal tale about the awkward weirdo who became a conqueror, or a just series of battles and politics like your typical war film. Ridley Scott deserves an award, he somehow managed to make the battle of Austerlitz boring. The worst thing about the movie is the way it’s riled up all the Bonapartists online so they won’t stfu about it now.
INSTANT REVIEW: Sanjuro (1962) 4/5
How did I miss this gem? The only downside is the shorter runtime.
>Didn't quite enjoy it as much as the first one
Why? The first felt like starter. Didn't really get into the meat of the story and just felt disconnected. What is Christopher Walken even doing in these movies? He's mostly comatose throughout. I hate how they keep cutting back to Zendaya giving a disapproving look whenever Paul does anything wrong. Like the audience doesn't know already.
INSTANT REVIEW: Abigail 3/5
Cute loli who chews off people’s heads. The gore is nice and the mansion reminds you of Resident Evil 1 but the story and characters pretty lame and they drag up old vampire cliches. The pacing feels off too and there’s some dumb mind control shit and powers that don’t make sense. But it was nice seeing the dumb hacker girl who dresses like a Twitch streamer explode into a pile of blood and guts.
INSTANT REVIEW: 12 Monkeys 5/5
In the future humans survive undergound after a deadly virus nearly wipes them out and makes the surface uninhabitable. Bruce Willis is sent back in time to stop it. He's immediately thrown in a psyche ward where he inadvertantly inspires Brad Pitt to form a terrorist group who will go on to unleash the virus, the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Turns out they were just a bunch of impressionable college kids led by a psychotic with no real motivations besides boredom and pure schizophrenia. Now Bruce has to stop them. Highly recommend this schizo monkey movie.
>Why?
My favourite part of the Dune Novel is the journey to and arrival on Arrakis, establishing of Paul's background, and the Harkonen's Betrayal. Sure, it's a setup arc and mostly a vehicle to serve as motivation for a bunch of characters' actions later in the story, but the way we are introduced to so many new cultural concepts, opposing factions, and mysterious agendas fills me with excitement each time. Moreso than seeing it play out (but this might just be me). It sets the stage for this interspace conflict so expertly and efficiently.
INSTANT REVIEW: Ator, the Fighting Eagle
A bit lame compared to some of the better offerings in the genre? Yes, but probably also shat on a little more than it deserves by people who don't like fantasy to begin with. If you're a pulp sword & sorcery addict, you might as well put it on your list, but not with a high priority.
INSTANT REVIEW: Halloween II (1981) 2/5
Inferior rehash of the original. While it still has a few chilling scenes, it lacks the wonderful style and artistry of Carpenter's 1978 classic and what new elements it does add are pretty bad. The film is just boring and I was glad when the credits rolled.
INSTANT REVIEW: Friday The 13th (1980) 3/5
I have mixed feelings on this one. On the one hand, its a surprisingly suspenseful and effective film with some intelligent moments, and on the other its full of dumb shlock and is responsible for creating the generic slasher template that ruined the subgenre. The plot twist is excellent and at least its not dull.
INSTANT REVIEW: Enter Nowhere (2011) 1/5
I seen Japanese twitter users excitedly discussing this film and had my expectations raised that it was some sort of indie hidden gem. It was actually very basic and boring. Do not recommend.
INSTANT REVIEW: The Creator (2023) 1/5
Illogical plot and worldbuilding. Standard 'minorities good, America bad' with AI and robots also being the minorities. All of East and South-East Asia in one massive superstate where all the background text is Japanese for some reason. Heavily reliant on digital effects which look okay, but the entire film looks fake. Suitable to laugh at.
>>545
Slight correction: the plot isn't illogical. It's highly predictable but does make some sense. The plot breaks because what surrounds it (worldbuilding/character decisions) make little sense.
INSTANT REVIEW: The Giant Behemoth (1959)
We have Godzilla at home.
INSTANT REVIEW: Robo Vampire (1988)
Dollar-store Robocop is created to fight a drug gang that for some reason employs a wizard who specializes in Chinese hopping vampires. Between the premise, goofy special effects, and off-kilter dubbing, fans of weird MST3K-able action/sci-fi movies should not miss this one (others should probably miss this one).
INSTANT REVIEW: Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)
3/5
The online interactions and formatting was surprisingly pretty good, but the actual plot was weak. Characters act illogically and it's one of those films where you get mad at their choices. I haven't watched the original yet, but when I do, I will report back how Dark Web compares. Overall not a huge fan, might be good to watch it just to know about it, since Unfriended seems to be one of the bigger 'internet horror' films.
I watched Lawrence of Arabia. 10/10 in terms of visuals. 10/10 in terms of story before intermission. 9/10 after intermission