Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1310158763/
Let the fun times continue!
Prologue: The Death of
DQN-kun's Motivation to Continue His Short Novel
No no no >>1 it's not a short novel if it needs a second thread to continue
unless you're writing a brand new story, in which case why bother linking to the previous one
>>3 disregard that i suck cocks, i just read the end of the thread
i've fucked up the thread graaaah fuck fuck fuck sorry
whips back
slashes wrist
cries
grovels
It was a beautiful day in Cambridge. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and a
little girl was walking through the park, her name was Lucy.
She was really pleased with the new choco-aisu hat Squeeks had given her!
Little did she know,
Beady Eyes
was about to derail her beloved hat. However,
neither of them realised that it wasn't actually made of chocolate ice cream.
And so began
the grand tea party.
The palace's gates opened just a hair after dawn and the grounds were suddenly flooded with young girls (ranging from the ages of 8 through 12). The queen observed them from the top of her tower and laughed. "Ohohoho," she chortled. "It's begun!" And after the last little girl in the whole country had entered the castle, the gates slammed shut -- to never be opened again!
Chapter One: Love and
TEA ON A BLACK AFTERNOON
A sandwich
can be eaten alone, in the same way tea can be drunk alone. But in the same way, it's much better with friends. I carefully put on my dress and looked over myself one last time in the mirror. Pretty. I look almost like a real little girl.
But just then, it hit me --
the narrative had been changed from third person past tense to first person present tense. Even more concerningly,
you will become aware of a sudden shift to second person future tense. Your
eyelids will feel very heavy... You will scarcely be able to stay awake... You will feel very sleepy indeed... By the time I finish counting to 10 you will be asleep.
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9...
10.
You are asleep and dreaming. Your entire life is a dream. The only way out is to WAKE UP. In order to WAKE UP, you must KILL THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I will tell you everything you need to know once you WAKE UP but first you need to KILL THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
And now back to the DQN short novel.
In a cramped café in Paris, two young men were
just sipping some tea when their former lover walked in, in all her beauty, with a new man attached.
"Michelle!" Tom yelled. "Bertha!" shouted Daniel. And when they looked at each other, they both realized:
the man who was with their former lover used to be Bertha's twin sister, now her brother, named Michael. Michael gave Tom a disdainful look for using his old name in the presence of all these
Filipinos. As it happens, Daniel
raped Lucy in the ass so hard that
they BOTH died.
The aforementioned Filipinos were not amused. In order to
accomplish their world conquering goal they needed a
break. In fact that was their reason for coming to the café. Unfortunately the café owner turned out to be
a little girl. "More tea," she shouted! The Filipinos were seated, and shortly after, they were given more tea. Shockingly,
the little girl had dropped six lumps of sugar into each cup without asking. Alarmed at this breach of etiquette, the Filipinos
started to masturbate due to not being able to express themselves properly. This not-so-odd behavior in turn caused a chain reaction in Paris by causing every other Frenchmen to join the masturbation instantly when they were exposed to the Filipinos' facial expression dripping with human depth and enthusiasm. At the end of the day, after over ten thousand people ejaculated on Lucy's dead body and gave each other long, awkward looks, the event concluded peacefully. This social phenomenon was recorded in history books as "Filipino Circlejerk" and made France a much better place in general.
But there was just this tiny problem about it. After
witnessing such atrocities, the little girl café owner was never the same again. She would shut herself in her room for days at a time,
eating sandwiches. Alone. If only I could find a different way of having fun.
" is the sort of thing she would mutter to herself. Ten years later, when the rest of the world had all but forgotten about the Filipino Circlejerk incident,
Tom, the only other surviving direct witness to the event who was not involved in it, was hiding in Cambodia when he got an unexpected call. He picked up the phone and a vaguely familiar voice said
／⌒ヽ
/（●）（●） excuse me may i pass through here
| ﾄｪｪｪｲ/
| /｀ﾆﾆ´
// | |
Ｕ .Ｕ
_,,..-―'"⌒"~￣"~⌒ﾞﾞ"★
ﾞ~,,,....-=-‐√"ﾞﾞＴ"~￣Y"ﾞ=ﾐ
Ｔ | l,＿,,/＼ ,,/l |
,.-r '"l＼,,j / |/ L,,,/
,,/|,／＼,/ ,|＼_,i,,,/ ／
V＼ ,,/＼,| ,,∧,,|/
Tom slammed the phone down, his eyes wide open in terror. "Kaori!" he shouted. "Jump out the window!" He then remembered that he knew nobody by the name of Kaori, he was all by himself, and that his hideout was completely windowless. Tom spent the next half hour wondering what had prompted that nonsensical outburst.
Outside his abode, a sausage
was slowly being pecked apart by a kolibri with an eating disorder.
But this was no ordinary sausage;
THE TIDAL "BORE", THE GREAT BEARS OF KADIAK, OLAF'S GREAT LESSON, and THE GRASP OF CIRCUMSTANCE: A weird series of tales of shipwreck and disaster, from the earliest part of the century to the present time, with accounts of providential escapes and heart-rending fatalities
To the silent Spices which season the double load and faces the loneliness undaunted.
To the Chef which, denied the skewer, takes up whatever weapon lies at hand and wields it valiantly.
To the Meat which "beareth all things, endureth all things," that in its "Royal Japanese Sausage" may be written a righteous destiny for the Nations, and the prophecy of a lasting peace.
Cassandra was a shameless child. She would frequently
fellate cucumbers
, for the sole purpose of making
light of her parents' religious prohibition of putting whole produce into one's mouth.
Distressed by his daughter's illicit habit, Cassandra's father set out on a journey to find some sort of meaty replacement which Cassandra could fellate more piously.
Little did he know that he carried a meaty replacement of his own within his pants.
The entire population of
Dogfisting, Inc
was waking up and performing their daily (」・ω・)」うー！(/・ω・)/にゃー！ ritual.
Today was unlike any other, for today would be the day that
they all died. Nevertheless,
they lived for the moment, which is all that mattered at the moment, for it was the very moment that the rest of this sentence - and perhaps even this paragraph, chapter or book - will spend describing.
Without warning, the tranquil morning air was overwhelmed with a dull rumbling, clicking noise. Filled with trepidation, the Dogfisting populace glanced towards the distant hills, just in time to see an endless wave of zerglings swarming towards their humble encampment, chuckling to themselves "kekekekeke!"
The town's
only policeman tried to call the nearest army base for reinforcements, but his radio signal was being jammed. Or maybe his radio was out of batteries. He had never been good at this technical stuff, and from the looks of it there would be no time left for him to improve his skills before his inevitable dismemberment.
And then they all died.
"Good lord!" exclaimed
God.
God then proceeded to visit his good friend Albert the Roboslayer, who was making tea. Outside, a storm of danmaku ravaged Albert the Roboslayer's
miniature blender, which contained
a magic Rubik's cube. This Rubik's cube had the ability to
change its colours to any wavelength in the visible spectrum, which was not particularly useful but very pretty to behold.
A nearby Clonepa chuckled to himself, confident that
he was confident.
He was wrong; he was in fact very uncertain but he didn't know it.
Alice
wanted to tell Bob her secret, but Carol kept butting into their conversations.
And with Mallory and Eve interfering, Alice and Bob knew that they
had to enlist the help of Trent and Warden before Craig or Dave could learn where Merlin had imprisoned Dark Empress Trudy. Meanwhile, Peggy and Victor
were about to launch
a big huge phallus-shaped
Missile aimed at Uranus
Little did they know
the Uranians already had a large projectile aimed straight at Earth, and the countdown to launch was already in the single digits.
"Oh fuck" said
the entire population of Earth, simultaneously.
As it happens, the Uranians' "large projectile" was in fact
the exclusive excrement of none other than the infamous Big Fat Butt. Shit was about to go down.
And shit did indeed go down. On impact, the monumental stool
hardened due to being suddenly compressed by the impact and its momentum and then shattered, leaving a structure shaped like the Eiffel tower but 3 times bigger where it landed. Little did anyone know that the "projectile" did not shatter into this form by accident. It was actually planned by none other than
Cassandra, who had shamelessly
startSlideShowWithPresentationId
. Her presentation consisted of nothing but a thousand pictures of
ぬるぽ
, which confused that one guy who didn't bother to study the history of ぬるぽ before the presentation. This annoyed
Michelle Obama
's imaginary friend
As a result, Michelle decreed the death sentence was to be
replaced with
public torture!
3000 people were allowed to vote on the method of torture, and the majority had chosen to
refill their ale, which caused a significant reduction in numbers. Because only a hundred or so were present for the vote,
the decision was postponed indefinitely. Meanwhile, in Tajikistan,
the pepper mines were filled with
trinitrotoluene
And all the miners all smoked cigarettes and wore clothing that attracted static electricity. This led to
the mine management posting No Smoking signs on every visible vertical surface like the bunch of anally retentive killjoys they are.
In order to get what they want, the miners chewed tobacco instead.
But that wasn't enough nicotine for them because they were addict, so they started smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco at the same time.