Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1310158763/
Let the fun times continue!
Prologue: The Death of
"I'm late! I'm late for my 100 GET!" panicked
the glorious leader of Corea.
［ (★) ］ ／￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
<丶´Д｀> ＜ "Now I've missed it by two nida!"
／ | ＼＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿
/ .|
/ "⌒ヽ |.ｲ |
＿＿ | .ノ | || |＿＿
. ノく＿＿つ∪∪ ＼
＿（（＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿_＼
￣￣ヽつ￣￣￣￣￣￣ | |￣
＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿__| |
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| |
And then the miners got
emphysema and decided to switch to nicotine patches.
Also, it turns out that the trinitrotoluene was actually
dry semen from old vietcong soldiers: a well-known substance used by
American GIs to lure nicotine addicts into abandoned mineshafts.
Naturally, the
first thing Isaac Newton did upon setting foot out of his time machine was to
fap, because in 1671 you could be sentenced to death penalty for masturbation. After that he
broke out of character to remind kids reading this story not to drink or do drugs.
He then was promptly raped by a jetpack-equipped bear before being thrown into the middle of the Pacific ocean.
At that very moment, the jetpack-equipped bear realized that bears wouldn't be able to operate a jetpack. This revelation
led to the death of
a man who was standing 30 feet below the bear
This happened only moments after the man had realized that he was standing on the water in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and had come to the conclusion that he was Jesus. However, he did not rise 3 days later as he was not Jesus. He actually just had strange, floaty feet.
Thousands of years later, children around the world would eat pudding in memory of the man with strange floaty feet.
This man's name was
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and he was extremely
fat and had unkempt body hair
. In fact, the body hair was extremely dense, and housed a family of Dokyuns. Nobody knows what happened to them after the incident, but
nobody really cared.
Meanwhile, in Oxford, a small group of tourists
were constructing a bridge out of cinnamon cookies.
This was illegal
under the Oxford ordinances of 1664. The arrest and trial of the tourists sparked a lengthly legal debate on prescription rights reform, after the botched 1832 Prescription Act. Statutory prescription stood awkwardly beside common law prescription for 200 years, until
a billionaire donated 1 million pounds to the election of someone who repealed the old laws and wrote new laws which include a provision for
sentences which go on too long.
Two kittens
were kittening around
Kittentown. Sadly, they were the last two felines in the world, for seven months earlier, just before they were born, a mysterious and highly contagious disease had sterilized every cat in the world but them. Their curious immunity was due to
the fact that they were just too god damn adorable for words. This very adorableness is what led to
and Tharsh's Insatiable Appetite for Toast
There was an atmosphere of apprehension
it was quickly dispelled by the mewings of the two kittens, who were now playing with a bunch of cotton balls they had found nearby.
A single slice of toast was selotaped to the back of one of the cats.
The other promptly ate the toast.
The toast was toasterific. The toast was toasted. The toast had once been bread. The toast had wandered. The toast was toasty.
The toast had crept through halls of unforgiven blacksmiths. They wore blindfolds and hammered sharks with their heads. The toast had held its breath as it lopped daintily between the smiths, taking care not to touch the hammer-headed hammerheads being hammer headed.
The toast had toasted into a monochromatic bird-fish forest. It heard digital cries which foretold of too much toasty tea with too little time. Tea growing cold and mold and untold and rolled and folding on itself, just as this narrative folds, just as the satin bedsheets had folded when Mr. Gray's mysterious lover had sat up in bed years earlier, rubbing her innocent eyes sleepily, unaware of the posterior-related hardships about to befall her.
And now, the toast-bearing cat
unexpectedly came to the conclusion that it was actually not a cat at all; it was the Great Sky Loli, and - predictably enough - its companion was in fact Tharsh. Upon realising their true identities, the two of them exchanged
saliva
samples for the purposes of DNA testing, just to prove that they really were who they thought they were.
The DNA test revealed that Tharsh
was exactly who he was supposed to be - himself. As for the Great Sky Loli,
she was also exactly who she was supposed to be, disappointing those who wished for some sort of a dramatic plot twist or something.
Perceived existential peculiarities aside, the two were ready to begin their holy quest: to
replenish
the tea.
the stock of Mountain Dew before their discount coupons ran out.
Presented with a multiverse,
the reader may now decide which universe they wish for the story to follow. Please enter your choice into the holographic input device below:
>
"Universe where all technology is made by Apple, and Mountain Dew is good for you and is on tap in every home"
Error 404000000: Universe not found. Please hang up and try again.
The great sky loli sighed. "Let's go to Gensokyo, then, maybe."
A young bird named Tokiko woke up one morning
and was promptly crushed to death under the massive - yet feathery soft - posterior of a giant loli teleporting in from an alternate universe.
"Huzzah!" exclaimed the GSL upon arriving. "Now
it all returns to nothing". Casting his arms wide as if to embrace universal nullity, GSL began the great
wondering of why she was male for a moment there. As it turns out, she was splitting in two; one half would remain as the Great Sky Loli while the other would be sent to an alternate universe to be the Great Sky Shota. This alternate universe would then be ignored for the rest of the story, or at least until
Andyland had finally been finished by an awful ravaging war in the dimension where the story (to this point) has taken place.
Fortunately, Andyland was destroyed moments later, thus the alternate universe no longer needed to be ignored.
Chapter 104-B: Return of the Great Sky Shota
Dr. Robotnik
was very angry
when he was having his morning tea
since Scratch and Grounder served him pancakes instead of eggs.
Gradually, over a period of months,
they had also been inserting subliminal snippets of gay imagery into his daily porno.
Dr Robotnik's pet iguana
was goggling silently at him as he
was transcending space and time
in a most illegal manner.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" shouted the spacetime police. "YOU'VE BROKEN THE LAWS OF PHYSICS FOR THE LAST TIME!"
They then apprehended him and locked him up in a Faraday cage, where
He rubbed 2 sticks together
in a most erotic manner.
One of these sticks was
a piece of dynamite, but
my dick explode, what
happen? Someone set up us the bomb.
Cut the monitors!
The nonsensical rambling coming from the wall-mounted speakers stopped abruptly. Everything went dark. The glow of the monitors had been the only source of light in the room, and now a heavy blackness weighed down upon the igunaa like a backpack full of unnecessary granola bars.
Now was his chance. The iguana used his fire-tongue to light the dynamite, and ran to the other corner of the Faraday cage. Boom! said the dynamite as it kindly opened an escape route, which the iguana quickly took, using his Robotnik-enhanced eyes to navigate through the darkness.
As the iguana scrambled into the air duct just as power returned and the alarms began to wail, he sent a telepathic message. "Robotnik, this is your iguana. I have escaped. I promise I will make it home one day."
Meanwhile,
everyone's favourite
Great Sky Shota
was flashing his tiny penis at everyone
while screaming "CRAAAAAAZY!" "nine nine nine nine BAKA!" because this Great Sky Shota wasn't just ANY Shota, he aws
Pico, returned to seek vengeance on toe forsaken land of
Fingers.
"Gentletoes and ladyfingers!" announced General Thumb in a commanding voice, inspiring bravery in the fleshy hearts of the trembling Digit Troopers.
"The day has finally come," he continued. "Pico has come for vengeance, as prophesied 9999 years ago in the Book of Shota. But we are not forsaken! We have had 9999 years to prepare, and prepare we did! Now let's show that Great Sky Shota that he's not so Gre-"
Suddenly, General Thumb's speech was interrupted by
the Great Sky Loli.
"Huzzah!" she exclaimed. "Now
you are in my power! WELCOME TO DIE!"
The GSL and the GSS then proceeded to have a danmaku battle, featuring
plenty of floral motifs, lasers and
androgyny. Unfortunately, Private Pinky found himself caught in the crossfire and
met Rainbow Dash who was
mutating hideously due to exposure of the highly toxic pollutants that contaminate the Toe Forsaken Land of Fingers.
The pollution was caused by
leftover fecal matter from the embarrassing Butthole Fingering Incident which had occurred a few years ago.
Thinking quickly, Private Pinky realized that the hideous mutant ex-pony could turn the tides of this horrible war.
"You there, hideous mutant ex-pony!" he shouted, "We need
a more tasteful subject matter for this novel!" He paused in thought. "Perhaps a story of psychological alienation in postwar France, told from the viewpoint of nihilistic Left Bank intellectual."
And thus everyone stopped fighting and gathered 'round to hear Private Pinky's twisted tale of La Rive Gauche.
"I'm so alienated," he said. "C'est fromage."
With those first few words, the audience was completely captivated. Pinky continued,
"So spoke a young Parisian boy as he pondered with idle fascination, wondering whether the betrayal in Barcelona was particularly troublesome that day.