I might be presented to two delightful new girls this weekend, which is something I kinda badly need these times after my previous critical failure.
Sadly, they're both exes of friends of mine, so... you all know what that means. Off-limits. Meh.
Look at it this way:
Losing weight = health + self esteem [win already] = girls [bonus]
I got rejected by the same girl for the 3rd time.
Why the 3rd time? It can't be helped. The feeling just goes back again and again
You see, we're very close, she sees me as a big brother, I treat her as my little sister. I help her in her everyday life like school work, friend problems, etc.
Although, when she rejected me last night, she told me "I'm a better imouto (little sister) than a love interest"
Also, she says that she lost the basis of falling in love with someone, and she's happy with the things she have in the present.
There is closure. I just wanted to post this because I just want to let this out in my system. I have been crying at random times already.
>>48
that is a bullshit... or maybe not but just in case, don't believe her... because she can eventually find someone and it will hurt you... also, I would recommend moving on... being rejected one time is enough, three times is better than enough... from my point of view, any romantic feelings for her will lead only to pain on your or both sides...
>>46
don't know about everyone else, but I ask here sometimes for advice just to know other people's points of view... I can solve problems pretty well myself (or so I think) but sometimes is good to know other opinions
and about that changing... got a new haircut today:)... I'm pretty lost in what girls like about men so don't know if it will be effective but I personally like it
Plastic surgery isn't always a fantastic way to go.
I went under the knife to try to improve my appearance and make myself more attractive to women.
Got rid of the stuff I didn't want, all right, but it also left me with numerous disfiguring scars. The cure is almost worse than the disease ever was.
It's been eight years since the surgeries, and I still have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date.
>>46 To undergo plastic surgery to please others is stupid. The only valid reasons to undergo plastic surgery is to address some disfigurement condition, or to please yourself.
As for others, it's much easier to find someone who likes you the way you are, than to knife yourself into an abstract ideal which won't be perfect to no one. There are plenty of people on this world, with all kinds of tastes, don't lose your sweat trying to please everyone, find people who like you as you are.
And BTW, there are plenty of people here who are not single. However, it's true that I for myself tend to ignore the single's thread.
You know those people that you always run into, and yet you have never met them before? There's this guy that I keep bumping into at uni. He does a different course to me, but we keep crossing paths, to the point where it's become almost ridiculous. When I see him, we exchange the quickest of glances, and I know that he's thinking "What the heck, there's that girl again". I've ran into him every day of this week, except for today. I'm posting mainly because of withdrawal symptoms perhaps.
The last encounter I had with him was on my way to my car. I'd just finished a really long day of uni, and skipped my last lecture because I was so exhausted. When I saw him, I was kind of glad that I did. I think it was my imagination, but he seemed to quicken his pace in order to cross my path (it was quite an open stretch). We ended up almost brushing, and when I looked up from my phone, he turned his head towards the ground, which I thought was very cute. I only wished that I'd dropped my books, or something, just to get a conversation started.
I think next time I'm going to try hold my gaze a little longer.
>>53
Or try asking: ,,Didn't we see each other somewhere?"
It would be really cute and playful if you touched him lightly on the elbow and said "Tag, you're it".
But whatever you do, smile when you do it.
>>54
Actually I think I could do this...I'm just afraid of him not playing along..
>>55
It does sound extremely cute, and it would be awesome if everything got started off from that, but the chances are he'll think I'm a weirdo. It's probably different where you live, but over here, crazy stalker radars turn on when a stranger tries to make conversation, even on public transport :(
I will however definitely do the latter :D
Didn't see him today again. Oh well, if fate allows it, we'll bump into each other again :)
WTF!
k so 21 year old female is me.. i have been basically in love with the same guy off and on for the last five years.... thus far it has been friends zone to the millionth degree. Neither of us has ever dated anyone. within the last year and a bit there has been a minor shift in his actions. When he is around i catch him staring and we have awesome back and forth talking. problem is he lives 4 hours away and i dont have reliable internet to keep in touch. some texting but thats not what i would call an amazing way to start anything.
ANYWAY....i am good friends with his sister, she says she thinks he likes me, and that i should do something about it. problem is that is totally counter to my personality. plus she has been super wrong about people her brother has liked before, because he is really not close to her. but some other friends and outside observers have noticed a smidge of change too.
k so this summer he was supposed to be working his job for the whole time and not take anytime to come and volunteer at the camp we first met at. then like two days before teen camp (the only two weeks i could arrange to volunteer, and my favorite weeks at that) he says he is coming up. to be fair his other sister who i am also friends with, who he actually likes and talks to is also at the camp. so here were are for two weeks seeing each other basicaly 20 hours a day. nuances of maybes continue to eek from him.
what do i do? i mean if i say anything and ruin it i will hate myself forever. but what if he is waiting for me?
rawr this sucks apperntly i can attract crushes from little 16 year old boys who i have counseled for years, but not the one guy i actually like.
>>58
This can go on and on forever. Just make a move. You probably won't hate yourself forever if it does not happen, and I doubt it could be any "worse". If you don't act, though, not only are you going to have regrets for the rest of your life, but it will probably fuck your chances up with other guys and will take you ages to get over him because of the lack of closure.
58 here,
i have always been told that guys perfer when they get to make the first move!?!
have i been lied to? it always seemed to be the way it was...
Hey poster 53, ermm... I've also bumped into the same girl who was in one of my classes before summer break at university. I kept seeing her on the streets whenever I walk around campus. Erm, its probably a crazy coincidence though.
By any chance are you meeting this guy at summer school? If so then it probably is a crazy coincidence that we have a similar experience.
>>60
No, they don't. And even though it's true that they like to be the ones "in control" in some situations, it's definitely not an absolute.
I mean, preferences are preferences, not law.
>>61
Haha nah, but I wish I did. I'm glad we can relate tho :)
Haven't seen him since before my first post :(
Why is it the more you want to bump into them, it doesn't happen?
Story of my life actually.
Guys I'm interested in never seem to like me until I stop liking them.
You've been lied to.
He's probably as afraid of rejection as you are.
Just think of what you'd hate most:
Having him turn you down or seeing him move on to be with another girl.
Erm poster 63,
So the last time you met him was during the normal school year? Since we're all anon here, can I ask what university you're attending?
great......
now i am scared.....
k so any advice on how do i ask him?
i mean with him living so far away and all??
>>65
Oh nono, I think you misunderstand me, I'm probably on the other side of the world from you. The last encounter I had with him was last week..we don't have break now, and it's the middle of winter here :P I go to UWA, in Australia. It would be too insane for me to comprehend, if you were the guy I was bumping in to. So much so I'd probably marry you.
>>Poster 66<<
Well poster 66 my advice to you is that ask him what he thinks about long distance relationship,,since if you know that he is fine with long distance relationship,,your next moved would be confess to him,about how you feel just probably say what you really think about him,,you don't need anything fancy to say to him because if you don't you'll probably regret it later on..
it sucks being single.
D:
This isn't really a single's rant but it may as well put me back here.
My gf's bday is coming up and me and her best friend are planning a party. So while discussing the plans over coffee, what first was friendly banter now turned into intense flirting.
I need to fix my flirting problem.
>>71
now this is one of those problems I would like to have
>>71 fucking asshole,this is SINGLE RANT THREAD. SINGLE. GTFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>71 strikes again
any single girls here wanting to meet single guy? :P
leave ur contact details belo... uhm wait. that doesn;t make sense at all.
Just went on a maybe-date, but I think it wasn't. :(
I just broke up with my boyfriend :P
Being single is good sometimes.
You don't feel guilty about being attracted to attractive people :) Less drama too
This is the general board for /love. It is the fml of romance in 4ch. It doesn't not have to be exactly about SINGLE rants. If you want to get something off your chest this is where you go and confess.
Look at the achieves, a lot more than just "single rants" have been posted here.
>>80
My point was that it was a rant thread, not a feel good thread.
I'm feeling just awful. I beg for your pardon, but English is not my native language, so, if I don't get myself clear, I'm really sorry.
My name is not important, nor where I'm from. I have a story to tell and I'm not proud of it.
I felt in love with a girl. A pretty little flower in the right time of my life. I have been always a lonely boy, or man now, I'm 21. This girl, which I love for everything she gave me, was the light of my world, so warm, so kind.
We felt in love, but I think I had Love-At-First-Sight. I was romantic, I gave it all. We were together for a year and some months, we where happy together, or so I thought.
She started to get cold with me. It was because of college and my part-time job, she didn't liked that I had so little time for her, for us.
"I do it for us" I said. "I'm saving money for you, for our future. I also need to get through college, so I can give you the life you deserve." She got colder.
One day she totally froze, when I hugged her she was like ice. "We have to talk" she said. I thought the worst. "I think you don't love me anymore" she said "I think you are more interested in yourself than our relationship. I don't love you anymore, you have changed."
I felt like an idiot. I had to do something to prove myself, to show her how I trully loved her. "I'll make you love me again" I said "I'll try my best. I love you"
Then, the finals came, essays, quizzes, tests, everything. We had extra job for weeks.
I hadn't time for her, and she felt it. She took the move, I just couldn't forgive myself, she knew. "In your free-time, you prefered going with your friends, playing around, or just "relaxing". You are an arrogant and selfish jerk"
She was right. For all my selfish toughts, that I was gonna be able to get her love back, I just left her for later, I was thinking in my and my stuff. So I deserve it.
I just want you, boys and girls of the thread, that sometimes you are lonely because you are an Arrogant and Sellfish Jerk, like me. If you love someone, put that special person on top of your priorities, because she may leave you alone.
I'll live and love my yestardays, when I was happy and loved. Someday I'll move on, but today, tonight, I'll give you my word and my life as an example.
Love them with all your heart, mind and soul.
They say it's allways better to had know love and lost it than never had. But when you do, and you are alone... you don't really want to.
God bless you all.
If she can't understand that you have other commitments as well, then she's also being selfish.
count yourself lucky that you even had a girlfriend. I wouldn't believe it if someone told me a girl had even the slightest interest in me. it's just not possible.
I turned 18 recently and I feel like my life stopped being worthwhile when I was 14. All I can do right now is struggle with first-year engineering courses just so I can graduate with a 0.0001% chance of getting a job that pays dirt. the alternatives are 1) getting a totally worthless degree, or 2) work at a fast food place for all eternity.
I've never fallen in love with anyone, nor do I think I ever will.
When I look into someone's eyes I see a tangled web of desire and worry; this is the way I feel about love, and I'm pretty sure everyone else feels the same way. When I see that, though, how can I act on my own desire? Men usually talk with their dicks, but my libido just drains out of me. Whenever I try to flirt with someone, I just get plain old scared. But flirting is never instinctual, it's always based on me remembering my emotional needs and desire for a serious relationship with someone who I can help in their times of stress, and who will help me likewise. What a stupid desire--you have to have a relationship before it gets serious. So I've cut it out entirely.
It's really frustrating when I do get horny, which happens only when I'm alone. That's probably due to a decade of public shyness and jacking off.
I wish I had a girlfriend but at this point I'm resigned to my celibate personality. Maybe I'll get an arranged marriage someday.
I can "work on" guys that I don't have feelings for. In that instance, the flirting just comes naturally to me. In fact, most of the times I'm not aware that I'm doing it. But sit me beside the guy that I like, and my words fail me. I somehow always manage to make the most normal situations awkward between us, leaving him to salvage the conversation. I know this isn't an uncommon problem, but I'm just tired of the fact that the more you want things to work out, the more you stuff it up.
Anyway, what started off as a reply to >>85, has turned into my own personal rant.
>>86
I feel you. I don't know if you're guy or girl, but I'm the same. I can be a total player to people I'm not interested in (tried it, isn't really fun, I don't like being a manipulative bitch).
But throw feelings in there? Boom, confidence gone.
Well, I used to be like this. I changed quite a lot lately, hadn't had the chance to try once again with feelings. If I'm still able to have some.
25, male, never dated or had any sort of girlfriend.
Somehow, I thought that maybe in grad school, I'd find more opportunities for dating -- my undergraduate faculty advisor met his wife when they were in grad school, so it must be possible, right?
Yet every woman I meet is either married or engaged. And they're all around my age.
Fuck. I just want to experience what it's like to have a girlfriend. Just once, and then I'll happily go back to my monastic existence, if that's the way I'm fated to live.
I don't even care about sex. I just wish there was someone in my life who cares that I exist -- well, someone besides the student-loan people who are greedily calculating the interest they'll make off me while I work toward my degree.
>>88
If it's any consolation, at 22 years of age, I'm heading down that road myself. It's probably my fault that I've never been kissed, or experienced young love, I've always put other things at a higher priority than love. That's how I've been raised. But I'm not lamenting about the past at the moment.
Now, I've met a guy who in my opinion is absolutely amazing. However he's been chasing another girl for a while now, and all I can do is pretend to encourage him and show no romantic interest in him. My pride stops me from blurting out my confession to him, because I don't want to be the rebound girl, and as cliche as it sounds, I don't want to risk our friendship.
there was this girl whose personality was just like mine... she was like me in woman version... but she had a boyfriend and needed to choose... she chose him... and now she is writting to me that it was probably a bad choice, I should be angry right? or at least feel something... but I don't... this is so typical I think I'm practicaly used to it... frak her, I'm going for someone else now
>>88 Good luck, really! My sister has had the same problem, never dated, and just graduated a five year program of college, and never dated/kissed that I know of. Hope it goes well to you.
I've kissed more than my share, (mainly close friends who 'miss kissing other people' and me, being the lonely one agrees to 'help them out'.) The topic usually never arises, until I end up having a crush on them, and they bring up how much they'd like to be kissed, which, with my infatuation, turns out to be knotty at times. :/ (I'm a pansexual female, with female friends)
>>90 Maybe you can help them out? Get her over him, and show her that you're the better man. c:
I can't imagine kissing someone just to "help them out," without any mutual emotional attachment. Perhaps this comes from growing up in a formal, conservative environment, but I'm highly uncomfortable expressing or responding to physical affection -- and kissing is a pretty serious matter.
I'm the sort of guy who needs to be in at least a semi-committed relationship before even hugging becomes a permissable form of interaction. Casual kissing is a strange and alien concept, and I have to admit I don't understand the appeal.
k-i-s-s-i-n-g? kiss? whats that? I've never experienced one of those :3
I'm so goddamn sick of this game
I work so hard just to get out of bed in the morning
Just once I wish that would be because there's someone sleeping next to me that I'd like to stay close to
It kills me how many folks out there don't know how lucky they are just to be healthy
I'm not >>95, but I'm in pretty rough physical shape, and I often wonder if that means I shouldn't bother to date. I have a weak heart, exacerbated by a family history of heart disease. My grandfathers both died in their 70s of heart attacks, and my dad developed cardiomyopathy about ten years ago. Since then, he's had to take a vast cocktail of medications daily to survive.
I know I'm not going to live to a ripe old age. I'm only in my mid-twenties, and already I've started to show symptoms of trouble (periodic arrythmia). On top of that, a sometimes-overactive life has left me physically handicapped (I can't crouch, kneel, or crawl without experiencing massive pain) and partially deaf.
I've never had a girlfriend, and that bothers me, but I do wonder if maybe that's for the best. I'm damaged goods, after all -- is it really fair of me to want to become emotionally entangled with someone when I know that my lifespan is likely to be short?
>>100
Godwin GET
Godwin aside, >>100 actually does have a good point. Some people simply don't deserve to be loved. The only questions are:
1) Which people fit into this category?
and
2) How do I know if I'm counted among their number?
I suppose sometimes the answer to 2) is fairly easy to discern. For example, let's say that in addition to my manifest physical defects, I also have problems dealing with physical and emotional intimacy. If these problems prove sufficiently detrimental that I am effectively incapable of responding to affection rendered unto me by a member of the opposite sex, then it stands to reason that, at the very least, I am unfit for love. Perhaps saying I don't deserve it is a little harsh, but that's just semantics. In the end, it's the same difference: I'm alone, and that's the way it's supposed to be.
Ultimately, entrance into a romantic relationship is not an inalienable human right. It's a privilege bestowed upon those deemed fit to exercise it. Those of us who fall outside that category will just have to make do as best we can.
>I also have problems dealing with physical and emotional intimacy
These can be worked on and improved. It's all sementics as you said, but words are interesting: you used "deserve". Well, "deserve" is merit-based, so yeah, by doing the right things, everybody might deserve to be loved. It'll be harder for some and easier for others, sure, but it's not impossible.
Also think about relativity: to extremist antisemites, Hitler probably deserves to be loved. There is no absolute in this universe. Even if you think there is an absolute, it will be relative to your point of view and hence, not an absolute.
It's just another version of "don't give up blah blah", but I'm not saying this, just stating the reasons why. You can give up on whatever you want, if you feel the reward isn't worth the effort.
I enjoy my solitude.
No matter what, no matter how appealing they may seem...
Someone, somewhere is sick and tired of their bullshit.
I've had it and no longer want it.
> let's say that in addition to my manifest physical defects
What exactly is a physical defect that renders one unfit for love? I believe saying that anything short of lacking the brain chemistry necessary to create such feelings should fate one to be alone for their entire lives is cruel. I'm sure Joseph Merrick had little hope, but if the internet had been around back then you'd be sure he would have had a fighting chance.
> problems dealing with physical and emotional intimacy. If these problems prove sufficiently detrimental that I am effectively incapable of responding to affection rendered unto me by a member of the opposite sex, then it stands to reason that, at the very least, I am unfit for love.
I think there are two categories here (and we should not specify 'opposite sex'):
Anyone actively seeking to resolve these issues and that makes an effort to put themselves out there can hope for some healing with the help of a compassionate lover. Although I feel this may be more difficult for a man in any culture where men are expected to take all the initiative.
As a parallel, consider someone with Anorexia. Do they deserve or are they in someway destined to die from it? No, that's a sick, wrong thought. When they've realized they have issues and wish to change, the Anorexic deserves to have someone there to help them through it. Of course Hitler wouldn't agree, but let's assume we are all both rational and compassionate people here.
> entrance into a romantic relationship is not an inalienable human right. It's a privilege bestowed upon those deemed fit to exercise it.
I don't believe this is a matter of rights and privileges. It's a matter of needs. We all need to be loved. Not nearly as much as we need to breathe, but if you've never been nearly suffocated or drowned you will never be fully aware of how crucial this need is. So if you've never loved and been loved you will never understand such loneliness.
True, no one has or can have a Right to a romantic relationship.
But it's an damn important part of being human.
>>I'm sure Joseph Merrick had little hope, but if the internet had been around back then you'd be sure he would have had a fighting chance.
If the internet had been around back then, he'd have been cyberbullied to hell and back. Anonymity, sadly, is a two-way street: it may be comforting to hide behind when you need to discuss problems, but it also enables people to indulge all their worst impulses.
>>Anyone actively seeking to resolve these issues and that makes an effort to put themselves out there can hope for some healing with the help of a compassionate lover.
I thought the rule was always that you had to be a healthy and complete person before you were allowed to even consider finding a "compassionate lover." If that's the case, then isn't it a contradiction in terms to say that said lover would be able to assist in the healing process, since one ought to be healed before ever meeting the lover?
>>As a parallel, consider someone with Anorexia. Do they deserve or are they in someway destined to die from it?
Except this is about love, not survival. Except in extreme cases, one isn't entirely dependent on others for one's own survival. There's a degree of self-determination involved.
Yet in matters of love, one is always entirely dependent on others -- unless one happens to be a severe narcissist. In order to engage in a loving relationship, one has to have a partner. And other people are perfectly free to decline the opportunity to be that partner.
If you have issues that prevent you from being able to engage in a loving relationship, there's no imperative that compels other people to help you surmount those issues. In that respect, nobody deserves to be loved. Love is something you have to earn, something you have to convince other people to share with you. If they don't want to, then you are, as they say, up shit creek without a paddle.
>>It's a matter of needs. We all need to be loved.
But others don't necessarily need to love us back. I hate quoting pop song titles, but love really is a two-way street.
>I thought the rule was always that you had to be a healthy and complete person before you were allowed [...]
You thought wrong: no one is every healthy and complete, even with love. The requirement is maybe to not be broken as fuck as to not suck the other into a black hole of madness, but no one asks you to be perfectly adamantine.
And for the parallel with anorexia, that guy was somewhat on point: of course it is about love and not survival, but there are ways to circumvent it. Then again, maybe you're thinking that we imply that by changing your ways, anyone you set your heart on will suddenly fall madly in love with you. That's not the case; love comes in many forms, and maybe one of the solutions is to learn to accept these different forms. Even without a paddle you can swim, if you see what I mean (and no, I don't mean you should turn to scat).
>You thought wrong: no one is every healthy and complete
should read
>You thought wrong: no one is ever healthy and complete
> If the internet had been around back then, he'd have been cyberbullied..
I'm only saying he could have found that blind girl he was always looking for, or someone with a similar illness. Surely, might not the hope for love be what kept him going?
> I thought the rule was always that you had to be a healthy and complete person before you were allowed to even consider finding a "compassionate lover."
> Love is something you have to earn, something you have to convince other people to share with you
There is no 'rule' that says certain people are not 'allowed' to 'even consider' finding love.
If someone has problems dealing with intimacy, how can they work on that by themselves? Hug a tree?
Consider the story of a girl that was raped and beaten as a child by her stepfather. Her scars are physical and emotional. Now as a young woman she's painfully shy and pulls away when someone touches her. Along comes a man who sees something in her and has the patience to show her the love, both emotional and physical, that she's never known.
She is not 'healthy', has done nothing to 'earn' love, has not had to 'convince' anyone to love her. But it happened, and as a human being, she deserves it as much as someone that was brought into the world under better circumstances.
Is this not a plausible situation, which possibly has happened before and will happen again in variations, in which all your presumptions fail?
> since one ought to be healed before ever meeting the lover?
Absolutely not a pre-requisite. If anything, I believe love is required for healing. And it's really that the healing is a side-effect.
> And other people are perfectly free to decline the opportunity to be that partner.
There is no reason this would not be true. But there's more than six billion people out there. The damaged one can not expect love from any one particular person. She can not walk up to a stranger and expect him to love her. But she's free to try.
> Except this is about love, not survival.
There are needs we all share as humans that go beyond basic survival.
> one isn't entirely dependent on others for one's own survival
Everyone in the world is. There are degrees by which we are all entirely dependent on each other in order to survive and thrive. Since I don't grow my own food and don't know enough about plant life to even forage, I depend on the grocer and the long line of people that supply the food he sells. Unless your name is Les Stroud, you will depend on others.
> If you have issues that prevent you from being able to engage in a loving relationship, there's no imperative that compels other people to help you surmount those issues. In that respect, nobody deserves to be loved.
I must clarify a distinction: To deserve something is no guarantee that you will get it. I've admitted such. No one is compelled to help any other person for any reason. I would also hope that for someone with these issues, any one who seeks their companionship doesn't view it as charity work. But simply out of love or hope for love.
> But others don't necessarily need to love us back. I hate quoting pop song titles, but love really is a two-way street.
You are absolutely right. Loving someone and not being loved back can not fulfill that need. And that's what we all wish for and need, that two-way street. Others need to love and be loved. Assuming other are healthy, they really don't need it as much because they've probably already have it or had it.
I'm not saying that there's someone out there for everyone. Tragically, some people will live and die without ever having had that critical part of the human experience. And if you say that's fate, I say it's merely hindsight. What we all deserve even more than love is hope. And I feel you're saying there are some people out there that should not be afforded that limitless commodity.
>>I'm only saying he could have found that blind girl he was always looking for, or someone with a similar illness.
He might have been able to find her, but I doubt anything would have come of it. The internet has, if nothing else, made us all much more cynical. I know if I received a message from a purported girl who expressed interest in me because I have limited range of motion in my legs, or because I'm partially deaf, my first response would be, "why?" I imagine it'd be the same for the blind girl. It's not at all flattering to know that someone is interested in you because of your disability, not in spite of it.
>>If someone has problems dealing with intimacy, how can they work on that by themselves? Hug a tree?
I think the argument generally goes that intimacy issues should be worked out through therapy and/or medication, so as not to burden a lover with one's romantic deficiencies.
>>Consider the story of a girl that was raped and beaten... Is this not a plausible situation, which possibly has happened before and will happen again in variations, in which all your presumptions fail?
I don't think my presumptions have failed at all. Note that I said that, according to the standard argument, a person should be healthy and stable before finding a "compassionate lover." In your example, the girl didn't find her lover; he found her. If a person is fortunate enough that someone else would seek out him or her and desire to enter into a relationship with that person, despite his or her "scars," then the onus is on the one seeking out the disabled person's affection. He or she has to accept the consequences of his or her decision.
If an unhealthy or incomplete person seeks out romance without healing first, then that leaves the other party open to the possibility of entering the relationship without full knowledge that this is likely to be a relationship more difficult to navigate than the norm. The healthy party has to be aware of what he or she is up against, and that his or her partner will need extra patience, consideration, and care. To enter a relationship under false presenses is profoundly unethical.
A better analogy were if your raped and beaten girl were somehow doing the pursuing. If she disclosed to her prospective partner all the trauma she has suffered, and that person still agrees to the relationship, that's just fine. But if she doesn't tell him, and they enter into a relationship, he'll find out eventually. It may come as a complete surprise to him and he will likely have trouble coming to terms with the full scope of its implications.
You say it's cruel to say that some people are unfit for love. I say its at least as cruel, if not more so, if someone with special emotional needs enters into a relationship without making the other person aware of those needs. Someone unhealthy and incomplete could certainly enter into a relationship after making the prospective partner aware of that fact, but how many people would really be willing to say yes?
(cont'd next post)
(cont'd from previous post)
>>There are degrees by which we are all entirely dependent on each other in order to survive and thrive. Since I don't grow my own food and don't know enough about plant life to even forage, I depend on the grocer and the long line of people that supply the food he sells. Unless your name is Les Stroud, you will depend on others.
But the point, as you yourself seem to concede with that last sentence, is that it is at least theoretically possible to survive independent of other human beings. It is not possible, theoretically or otherwise, to love -- and be loved -- independent of other human beings.
>>I must clarify a distinction: To deserve something is no guarantee that you will get it.
On this, at least, we agree. Yet I cannot say I share your optimism that people would be willing to help someone out romantically, even as "charity work." People all have their own problems; why would they willingly choose to enter a relationship where they have to deal with someone else's (arguably more intense) problems in addition to their own? The other person has to know that this will be an uphill struggle; why shoulder that additional burdern, when the healthy party could just as easily find someone more normal?
I'll grant that this sort of thing likely does happen, albeit uncommonly, but the how and why of it is mystifying to me.
>>What we all deserve even more than love is hope. And I feel you're saying there are some people out there that should not be afforded that limitless commodity.
Oh, people are free to hope all they want. But there is a point at which hope becomes a fool's errand. I think we, and especially those of us who qualify as "damaged goods," have to recognize that fact. Eventually, hope becomes counter-productive.
>>Then again, maybe you're thinking that we imply that by changing your ways, anyone you set your heart on will suddenly fall madly in love with you. That's not the case; love comes in many forms, and maybe one of the solutions is to learn to accept these different forms.
And what might those different forms be? Charitable work? Admission to the seminary? Something else that centers on a form of love other than romantic love?
>And what might those different forms be?
Just different forms of romantic relationship. I don't know what your experience of love is, but "love" itself is different with each person. No two relationships are the same. A lot of people try and fail at relationships because they expect it to enter an hypothetical frame they've made. They imagine it is supposed to work like this and when it doesn't, give up (that is 99% of the time before the relationship even began or before they even considered some person as a partner). If you have too many expectative as what to find in a relationship, you will have trouble finding one, and sadly, you will have trouble widening your perspectives. And no, reading a lot of romance books and watching a lot of romance films doesn't help. At all. More like the opposite.
>If someone has problems dealing with intimacy, how can they work on that by themselves? Hug a tree?
Confronting your fears is the best way to learn to manage them. By going slowly, one step at a time. And of course, therapy and meds, if you're into that.
>according to the standard argument [...] unethical [...]
Call me a cynic, but I don't think those are that important.
>You say it's cruel to say that some people are unfit for love. I say its at least as cruel, if not more so, if someone with special emotional needs enters into a relationship without making the other person aware of those needs. Someone unhealthy and incomplete could certainly enter into a relationship after making the prospective partner aware of that fact, but how many people would really be willing to say yes?
More than the people who would anwser if you don't ask. But yes, going out with someone without telling them of your issues is kinda cruel and is not honest (if you want to build a relationship based on honesty, good start buddy), I agree with that. Still, that doesn't mean you can't do it and see how it turns out. You should not is very, very far from you can not.
>why shoulder that additional burdern, when the healthy party could just as easily find someone more normal?
Some people are "healers" by nature. They're attracted to the weak and broken. Yes, it is strange, but there are quite a lot out there. Yes, they don't often finish their life with their broken companion, but it happens too. Some will skip to someone that has it worse when the first starts to get better. But that's not the point; the point is, some people do that.
>Eventually, hope becomes counter-productive.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. But hope is good, as long as you don't mistake hope for longing, as long as your hope is not irrealistic, and as long as you don't solely rely on hope. I'd say don't give up hope, but yeah, maybe question some of your expectations.
> interested in you because of your disability... "why?"
I'm certain Merrick didn't have a blind fetish. He wished to find someone who would love him for who he his and not be first repulsed by his appearance. I could only judge him poorly if he had no interest a woman just like him.
"Why" is a good question with fascinating answers. I'm aware of amputee fetishism and find it creepy, but if I had stumps for legs I wouldn't mind a woman who likes. As for deaf, there are people out there that find the deaf accent appealing (like a french accent). An interesting story is the woman who, as a girl, had a pot of scalding water fall on her. A third of her body is covered with this scar. She's accepted it because it happened to turn that entire area into an erogenous zone, and has found lovers that presumably must go beyond just accepting it. It's not surprising at all that people with the same disabilities tend to pair up. A similar life experience could certainly be a foundation to start a lasting relationship. It wouldn't be unexpected for one person in a deaf/deaf relationship become upset at the other for getting a cochlear implant.
Also note this site, and the option of selecting 'positive about disabled': http://www.datingdisabled.net/
> I think the argument generally goes ...
Who is making this argument? Where are you getting these 'rules'?
> therapy and/or medication
At the end of the day, the first or final step is not talking or pill popping, but DOING.
> burden a lover with one's romantic deficiencies
Just as he is free to decline to enter, he is free to leave.
> the girl didn't find her lover; he found her... onus is on the one seeking out the disabled person's affection... the consequences of his or her decision
That's the point. She didn't do anything to implicitly convince someone to love her. It happened, she deserves it, and she's better for it. You've previously stated that it's on the 'disabled' person fix themselves and only then find love. There is no onus here. It's love. To quote yourself quoting a pop song, "Love Is A Two Way Street".
> You say it's cruel to say that some people are unfit for love.
Inaccurate. I say it's cruel and uncompassionate that you would say that.
> its... cruel... if someone with special emotional needs enters into a relationship without making the other person aware of those needs
Except under extreme circumstance (HIV?), it's never wrong to want to put your best face forward. I would absolutely agree that when it's time to define the relationship, after three dates or three months, full disclosure is necessary. To not say you have intimacy problems or commitment issues would not only be dishonest but likely doom the relationship anyway. It would be weird to have someone say on the first date: "I'm bipolar, I hope you can accept this burden". I'm not certain if you had such an illness you'd disclose it like that until you were sure you could trust the person.
> as you yourself seem to concede with that last sentence
I consider myself a rational person and do concede, that two are required for a beneficial love that fulfills that human need. However I don't recall arguing against that. One could love someone or be in love with someone and have the other not return it, because love is not a physical thing but a feeling or a state of mind.
> this sort of thing likely does happen...but the how and why of it is mystifying to me.
It mystifies me that you don't understand. I've been on one side of the game and I would love to be a person that could take away that pain.
> those of us who qualify as "damaged goods," have to recognize that... hope becomes counter-productive.
This is just cynical. Cynical people have shorter lifespans. Most especially lonely ones.
To quote a pop song:
"For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you."
How dare you
How dare you tell your friends our relationship was nothing, that you never liked me. I can remember those cold nights, you cuddled in my arms asking if I would ever leave you. I remember you telling me how you missed me and wanted to see me. Tell your friends that we weren't that serious, that we were nothing more than friends with benefits. I know and you know that there was something more. You can hide it under the floor but you know it screams loudly; there was something between us. Go ahead, let them think, I won't stop you. The fact you have to play it up, remind them over and over is enough proof. Tell them what a bastard I was and how big of an asshole I am. Tell them every day and every hour. The more you tell them, the more I know you are trying to hide the fact that you allowed yourself, the queen of the campus, the princess of palestine to fall for a nobody, nerd, geek trekkie otoku like me and how you wish you never let me go. I was never the perfect guy for your friends, but I was the perfect guy for you.
I just met a girl who likes video games, anime, manga, rpgs, and hates Twilight... not to mention she's hot. I think i'm in love
>>116
Sounds like you won the lottery! Good luck with her!
I'm getting sick of being single. I want to go on dates but people who ask me out are the ones I'm not attracted to at all.
>>118
Lull, if they're "nice" give them a chance. Sometimes love is born through experience and not through attraction
It's Christmas day today and i just confirmed how sad and lonely i am being with no one at all - not family, not friends, and no special other. I sincerely hope the new year will bring something new for all of us.
Im a young male, unemployed due to a rough educational history though still trying. Due to my very low self esteem i seem to find reasons for girls to dislike me which also lowers my confidence for talking to a girl in the street. Most of this has stemmed up from my uneasy, sickly and lonely childhood. I can't say ive been single all my life though, ive experienced many relationships. Most girls ive dated seem to be shallow and never took notice that i'm more serious then just physical contact which can last but a moment, where as feelings and experiences stay with you forever.
I guess i feel ashamed sometimes to also reveal that by heart im an otaku which i try to hide and enjoy a subtle quiet life where as i have no real interest in living a hectic life like most of the people my age. Lots of people tell me to losen up but i just dont know how when in my heart, i feel the way i do. I don't have very much friends either because i tend to seclude myself. The reason i've taken my time to write this to a bunch of strangers is well... i guess i feel im at the edge of a cliff hanging on barely and that maybe something may change by opening up.
>>i guess i feel im at the edge of a cliff hanging on barely and that maybe something may change by opening up.
I believe that only holds true if you open up to people who are capable of helping in some way.
We're just voices in the digital choir. There's really nothing we can do to help your problems -- outside of dispensing advice -- and you're not terribly likely to pluck yourself a girlfriend out of our ranks.
As for feeling like you're hanging on the edge of a cliff, that's life. Agony, pain, and misery are essential parts of the human condition; none of us will ever be without them. The best you can hope for, really, is to struggle through it and count what blessings you have. There are a lot of very unhappy people in the world -- always have been, always will be. Those who are truly content are the tiniest of minorities.
I still got a trauma after the failed relationship with 5 ft 11 in with long-haired natural blond in 200X
i just tried signing up on eharmony and it said it was unable to match me. I am THAT big a loser :(
I hope all of you find someone special in the new year! Give it your all!
>> 119
I don't know. I feel bad for giving them hopes for something that wouldn't happen. I know that it's my fault for having a standards when it comes to guys. I try to lower it really but no one seemed to have given me the "I'm interested in you.. sure why not, I'll give you a chance" feeling yet.
I can't help but compare them to my long time crush for about 4-5 years (and still counting lol) (whom doesn't know I exist at all.. but I like him for some reason).
Hakuna Matata. You can't let a crush that you don't know very well hang you up on the possibilities in front of you. Maybe you should take charge and possibly give the guys you're not attracted to a chance too. You might end up finding someone special if you stop giving yourself an excuse not to be happy.
sighhh, 20 and still single...
Age= being girlfriendless
And so officially everyone i know has either dated or currently dating. Am i that much of a loser?
5yrs single here. damn, why the hell? anyway, i'm looking for nice, kind jap chicks that's why.
i think i'm very unsociable when some girls are trying to get my attention whom i don't dig.
crappy life being single. waiting for that perfect someone might leave me single for a decade. crap.
age=single might be worst afterall...
omfg. Some idiot just bump this.
Just create a thread -.-
Don't just wait, get out there and do something!
It said the same thing to me! its not the greatest site Dx
Ughh, I'm so lonely and lovesick lately. But the worst thing is that I don't even have any girls to dream about. I'm pining for somebody I haven't met yet, I guess. Hopeless.
I know how you feel man I'm stuck in my apartment with my friend and his girlfriend every time I see them it just reminds me of how alone I really am which is great because I see them everyday. I really want to find someone but I'm too paranoid and see emotions in people that don't exist. Oh well sometimes I see them argueing and I think to myself maybe being single isn't so bad after all. Every lifestyle has its hardships. After my last relationship maybe being lonely isn't so bad but still it's cold really cold being alone.
Just take a chance on someone you wouldn't expect to be with. They can slowly become your world
I just wanted to put it out there...I'm 22-years-old, been single for that long, and have been pining for this particular boy since I was 16. Half of me wants to hit myself in the head until I get a very minor concussion and the other half won't let me forget...and all the while, my alter-ego is shaking her head at my indecisiveness.
Been a while since I'd been around here.
Last night something odd happened. I dreamt of my childhood sweetheart. I very rarely think of her now; we lost track of each other after elementary school. I haven't seen her in something like... fifteen years?
It made me feel strange, so as I woke up, I googled her name out of curiosity, only to find out she got married last summer. For some reason, it made me feel awful, nearly sick. Maybe because it made me feel like I've achieved nothing, I don't know.
It's been a bleak day.
>>137
Life's all about direction, not position.
I took >>135's advice and hooked up with a girl. After a couple weeks, just as I was getting comfortable, she went back to her ex-boyfriend who had dumped her but suddenly changed his mind once he saw how happy she was with me.
I bear no ill will to either, as they're both my friends. I still feel a little shafted, though. It doesn't help that my own ex-girlfriend recently stopped talking to me. Guess it's back to square one!
I couldn't get along with anyone who isn't brilliant in their work, whether it be technical or artistic. Also they would have to be beautiful in body as well as mind - being healthy and physically active is a must. No, I am not a fat slob who dreams of what he will never have. I'm just a highly disciplined nerd who expects no less from people than what I expect from myself.
And I'm still single. Go figure.
Perhaps your standards are too high? I know plenty of people who are brilliant and also are beautiful. The more people you meet you are more likely to see these types of people. Sometimes it is not evident but if you have an open mind you can see someone who is amazing in both looks and personality.
I'm going to die alone.
Spent a cold night next to my cute neighbor watching the moon. My inner cynicism tells me it won't lead to anything. But for now, I'm going to sleep in the happy bliss of potential love yet to be tarnished by harsh reality.
This is gonna be yet another lonely Christmas.
>>143
This caught my eye. Don't forget that, ultimately, it's the person that matters, not the bond. They should not suddenly lose all value, simply because they won't be "yours". You should just enjoy connecting with others, regardless of what becomes of your relationship. You'll enjoy life more that way, trust me.
Whoo, it's 2011 and I'm still a single dude ._.
I have to admit, the moment of New Years (countdown) is only wonderful if you have someone to share that moment with :/
Oh well, one year... hopefully with someone from Hong Kong. :3