Clonepa or Superman?
>>304
Girl with no squish. Look me in the eye and tell me you think a person who has an identity around posting "soft squish" on an obscure internet forum would not instantly faint if any real life girl looked at him for more than three seconds.
>>306
You vs your most recent ex, both armed with rapiers. Fight takes place on a cliff edge in the middle of a storm.
>>311
A crocodile would have a very easy time defeating the Croc brand sandal. However I've run this simulation 1000 times and in 3 of those the crocodile suffocated on the sandal and died leading to a no contest.
>313
Crunch vs crisp
>>314
Chickens can be pretty vicious, for sure, but their beaks and claws are too small to do any lethal damage to a human. The woman, meanwhile, could pretty easily grab the chicken by the neck and strangle it or smash its head against a rock, without it having much opportunity to fight back.
>>316
Ornstein vs Smough
>>314
Smough. He's only two letters away from though.
Thoughers always win
>>318
A lesbian (homosexual woman) vs a Lesbian (resident of the island of Lesbos)
>>318
Tigers are ambush predators specialised for taking down singular, large animals, so the tiger would be somewhat out of its comfort zone here. On the other hand, chihuahuas, while very vocal, are not remotely trained or bred for violence. I could well imagine the tiger running out of stamina, but I couldn't imagine the chihuahuas effectively capitalising on this weakness -- even against an incapacitated tiger, they would have difficulty landing any kind of killing blow. I would be inclined to give it to the tiger.
>>320
You armed with a glaive (or other polearm of your choice) vs an alligator.
>>321
Wojak has survived and morphed to this day, and has become very popular from its humble origins as a krautchan meme. Pepe has mostly faded and Apu and the one with no neck with the wine glass have become more popular than it. Wojak would outlast Pepe in a fight.
>>323
Albania vs North Macedonia vs Greece
>>308
Sailor Jupiter. Send a lightning bolt in the croc swamp and zap them to death.
>>324
They are both overwhelmingly more likely to accidentally injure themselves in some wacky slapstick fashion than they are to injure one another. I suspect the result would be a draw, or at best one might win by default if the other messes up badly enough.
>>327
Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion) vs Rei Ayanami (The Rei's Diner)
>>341
BANG
You stupid bitch. You stupid fucking bitch. I can't believe how dumb you are. Jesus Christ, I can't believe how fucking dumb you are. You're the dumbest motherfuck-
>>343
You on a hang glider armed with a machine gun vs a giant dragonfly approximately the size of a light aircraft. You automatically lose the fight if you land on the ground, but have enough height/thermals to stay airborne for at least ten minutes. Assume you are strapped to the hang glider such that you can use both hands for the machine gun (but cannot steer at the same time).
I'm with Allah cause he chose me, broke into the Vatican strangled the Pope with his rosary
Pope Francis would be raped and slaughtered easily
Robin Williams vs some spare rope
>>349 The wizard has a more eclectic selection of spells and is not bound to the same standard of morals as a cleric. While the cleric may sometimes have the power of a god on his side, it's not necessarily going to be a powerful god, and the pure Stirnerite egoism inherent to a high-level wizard is hard to overcome. I'm handing this one to the wizard.
>>351 Virtual Youtuber vs Physical Twitcher
>>350
Depends on who has the most vapid porn addict zombie followers on only fans. If she’s a woman with tits, I’m handing it to the twitch streamer.
Lolis vs FBI
>>352
Lolifolder-beard's brain has been reduced to mush from endless masturbation but he has a strong left arm. Lolita-beard's brain is in a much better state thanks to his literary forays but he lacks physical strength. I'm going to give this to Lolita-beard because, as we all know, brains beat brawn.
>>354
( ﾟ ヮﾟ) vs (´<_｀ )
>>353
One look in (´<_｀ )'s eyes is enough to tell you he has lost every fight he's ever been in, and this will be no exception. Even with ( ﾟ ヮﾟ)'s punches being padded by the mittens she's wearing, she has the unquenchable motivation and perseverance to come out on top.
>>355
Diablo (Diablo) vs Satan (The Binding of Isaac) vs Cyberdemon (Doom)
>>364
Adolf's wife Eva heroically saves him from the pills by ingesting them herself, but Adolf's attempts to disarm the revolver by discharging all of its ammunition go tragically wrong as he accidentally misses the floor and hits his own temple instead.
>>366
Giant spider vs giant toad (assume they're both roughly the same size)
>>366
The six of us have collectively spent hundreds of posts discussing combat tactics, while they were sitting around picking their noses and masturbating. We'll absolutely demolish them, I'm certain.
>>368
Alpha (Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou) vs Kino (Kino no Tabi) vs Reki (Haibane Renmei) vs Haruko (FLCL), four way motorbike/moped-mounted jousting tournament.
>>370
I choose as my weapon a king penguin with a time bomb in its stomach, set to detonate 30 seconds after the beginning of the fight. I will throw the penguin at the orca and immediately swim away as fast as I can. As the orca is an animal, my hope is that it will not be able to resist the urge to snack on a food that it prefers to humans, which will then explode inside it and fatally wound it. If the penguin serves as an insufficiently time-consuming distraction, though, I acknowledge I may also die due to being caught in the explosion or simply killed by the orca within seconds.
I also considered a net launcher, but I don't think I would be able to kill even an immobilized orca with my bare hands, and if it became a match of attrition I would die of dehydration before the orca dies of starvation.
>>372
Reddit vs. its mods
>>371
Probably Reddit. There’s only so much crying mods can do when sys.admin can just take away their privileges, especially when investors are involved. The Reddit strike will go down as the dumbest in history, where, despite not receiving compensation for their labor, striking mods haven’t even asked for pay. And all for what? So they can use 3rd party apps that let them fap to NSFW content. The real Reddit died with Aaron. RIP.
>>374
You vs Mount Fuji. The great Fujisan is set to erupt! The incompetent Japanese diet have put their faith in you to stop this deadly from blasting away the countryside and dumping ash all over Tokyo. You are empowered to choose the following weapons in your struggle with this deadly volcano
>Iowa class battleship
>B83 thermonuclear gravity bomb
>Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis
>Kamikaze squadron
>A gigantic exploding boxing glove
You have 24 hours
>>374
Well it took 1 Austrian to take out 6 million Jews so I guess 100 ghostbusters would be more than enough.
Some additional context for >>373: https://4-ch.net/current/kareha.pl/1319744527/24-27
None of the offered weapons seem adequate unless the "Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis" are capable of powerful explosions and there are several hundred million of them. Even if they are, 24 hours probably isn't long enough to execute the plan.
>>376
Ever stomped on a bug? Imagine how easy it is with bigger feet, even when the bugs are men.
>>378
An Iowa class battleship vs. 200,000,000 Tactical Miniature Neko Lolis
>>378
Nothing can stop Odysseus' cunning, I'm afraid. He's a man with no land of his own and nowhere to go back to, needless to say you never fight a cornered cat.
>>380
You vs Joe Rogan in an intellectual debate. You can pick the debate topic excluding STEM subjects (please include), but in order to win you must annihilate Joe and make him rage quit. Due to a black out and the stream going down, Joe will not be able to call up his army of minions nor will he be able to physically attack you. A Netflix crew is standing by in case he wants to produce another comedy special to smite you.
>>379
I knew nothing about Joe Rogan until now, so I did a bit of research. I learned:
First I would keep the conversation friendly, and wait until he had a few beers. Then I would start bringing up the fact that marijuana is harmful, and it's such a shame that Joe Rogan likes weed because he could be so much better without it. I would start with "scientific evidence" slowly move into more combative and extreme statements like "only chumps consume marijuana."
When he brings in the Netflix crew, in a major twist I would reveal that I actually love weed and have brought enough to share with everyone. Then I would placate Joe and the crew with copious amounts of Mary J.
>>381
A battle royale with every version of Link from every Zelda game
>>380
For the sake of consistency, I'll assume that every Link has all of the abilities from their game, but otherwise they're equal in terms of number of hearts, stamina, healing items, etc. Many of the Links have some sort of quick travel ability to get around Hyrule. Since the location isn't specified, and might not be Hyrule, I'll ignore this in general. Also, as a disclaimer, I haven't personally played most of these games so there may well be some details I've missed. Now, considering their combat capabilities in chronological order, and not counting remakes or games in the Zelda universe that do not feature Link:
First things first, any Link that can travel back in time (Majora's Mask, Oracle of Ages), into an alternate universe (A Link to the Past) or become an invulnerable 2D object (A Link Between Worlds) will do so, and will wait there for the other Links to fight among themselves. I am assuming here that abilities that change the time of day (e.g. Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker) are just accelerating/deccelerating the local flow of time, not transporting Link himself relative to his surroundings.
The remaining Links who cannot escape will be decimated by Link (The Adventure of Link)'s AoE lightning attack which kills everything onscreen. Link (Breath of the Wild) might be able to use magnesis to discharge the lightning into something metallic nearby, but is unlikely to be able to follow up with anything devastating, given Link (The Adventure of Link)'s ability to reflect most attacks.
Link (Oracle of Ages) has no particularly useful abilities, and Link (A Link Between Worlds) will be easy to pick off as he emerges from the wall, so neither of them have any chance. On returning to the present, Link (Majora's Mask) can use his stone mask to be overlooked by Link (The Adventure of Link) to get the drop on him. Alternatively, Link (A Link to the Past) can use his temporary invulnerability/invisibility to avoid the lightning attack and hit him. Either way they will be the last two standing.
Link (Majora's Mask) could try the stone mask gambit again, or simply take a high powered mask and hope to overwhelm his opponent by force, but unfortunately he has no counter to Link (A Link to the Past)'s ability to simply jump out of the Dark World, use his quake medallion to kill everything on screen, then jump back to the Dark World to refill on magic, until he wins. Link (A Link to the Past) will be the ultimate victor here.
>>384
Yuri vs yaoi
>>383
Yuri is a delicate lily flower, while "yaoi" is sometimes written with the kanji 矢追, literally meaning "arrow-chaser." While chasing arrows is not directly linked to combat prowess, this strongly implies the entity has enough martial aptitude to defeat an ordinary flower.
Yaoi is also the surname of Jun'ichi Yaoi, who is basically the Japanese version of the Ancient Aliens guy. He's 87 years old, but he can probably still stomp out a lily flower.
>>384
Given the high likelihood those posts were made by a single anon, it's perfectly possible that all 385 posters could pin him down and strangle him. Although, 385 people piling on one could create overcrowding and fights over who would be graced with the honor of snapping >>381-383-san's neck. In the commotion, he could escape, perhaps with the help of a body double, and go underground. Maybe he has some MS-13 friends to call for fire support, and our 385 man dokyun army, which is about as disciplined as a bunch of Liberian guerillas, would be mowed down in a hail of gunfire or hacked to death with machetes? Then again, our zeal for killing the most annoying poster in the thread could trigger a powerful otaku fighting spirit which is +35 to melee attack, somewhat evening out the odds.
>>386
A Twitter vs 4chan death match tournament, assuming both sites are at their historic peaks, that would be 2008 era 4chan and 2022 age Twitter. 8 Fighters from a famous Twitter community vs 8 anons from a legendry 4chan board, all weapons are allowed except guns, air support, artillery and explosives larger than a hand grenade. Feel free to structure the tournament as you like. However, the grand finale will be a naked, bare hands, brawl to the death between Jack Dorsey and Moot. Winner takes the BATTLE ROYALE trophy and gets to execute 1,000 users of the enemy site like a lustful daimyo.
>>385
Since you've already decided what the final will look like, I guess the rest of the tournament doesn't really matter. I imagine Moot would fight dirty, but Dorsey is clearly the physically stronger of the two and would probably end him quickly. Regardless of who comes out on top in the fight, however, ultimately everyone wins from 1000 4chan or Twitter users being removed from society.
>>387
Woolly mammoth vs African elephant.
>>386
Depends on the fight location. If it's in Africa, the woolly mammoth would overheat and die. But given that mamoth-san is still frozen in Siberian ice and is therefore a no show, I'm gonna give this one to the African elephant on a technicality.
>>388
Mark Zuckerberg vs Richard Stallman in a televised debate.
>>387
Stallman doesn't exactly ooze charm, but Zuckerberg has negative charisma and is actively hated and distrusted by the majority of people. So long as he doesn't say anything catastrophically alienating (not impossible), Stallman will be the one winning the audience's hearts and minds.
>>388
We all know how a Battle Royale typically ends. Everybody kills each other off until one is left standing and, overwhelmed by depression, they commit seppuku. I’d say it’s a no contest. Or the lone survivor who becomes an hero technically wins since he killed himself.
>>390
19 Arabs vs the World Trade Center.
Mr. Blobby forces Noo-Noo to the floor and begins searching for an opening, trying with rock hard determination to penetrate Noo-Noo. Unable to find a hole, Mr. Blobby strangles Noo-Noo half to death then returns with a hacksaw and slowly decapitates the Noo-Noo. With the head sawn off, Mr. Blobby begins thrusting inside the tracheae. When the FBI kick down the door and begin pumping Mr. Blobby full of lead. Since Noo-Noo is a US citizen by birth, this would make the contest a draw.
>>395
This is a fight thread not a porno thread. But in a fight I guess it would be the butch lesbian since they are aggressive while twinks are passive sodomites who want to be penetrated. The twink would assume the lesbian is a a male sodomizer homosexual and just bend over. Then she’d go up behind him and snap his neck, ridding humanity of this foul demon.
>>397
The Pope and his Vatican vs 4chan’s lost /lolikon/ board
>>396
It would be nice if we got a >>389-like situation where all the paedophiles kill one another/themselves and nobody is left alive at the end. Unfortunately I think the Pope and his cardinals' old age will limit their combat capabilities and they probably won't put up much of a fight.
>>398
Aragorn vs Legolas vs Gimli, all fighting over the One Ring.
Me vs My mirror self
>>400
Making a post that ignores the thread structure to me suggests a lack of self-reflection. This will allow your mirror self the element of surprise, defeating you.
>>401
According to Wikipedia, sucralose is around 320-1000 times sweeter than sucrose, compared to aspartame's mere 200 times. It also has a longer and more impressive IUPAC name which, going by wizard rules, indicates that it's more powerful.