Just so you know, you can skip the next three paragraphs and read the actual problem, all the other rant is just background information about my experience that might (hopefully?) help finding a solution.
It's been a while since I started having sexual experiences. I find masturbation (just by myself) not very appealing, and aside for some experiences with a boyfriend I'd rather forget, most of the stuff I've tried have been with my current mate. We had dated before, and he was my first sexual experience, which basically was groping and masturbate each other. He wasn't a virgin and has always been a bit of a pervert, so sex was something he had been looking forward since the start. On the other hand I was a naïve virgin with the firm decision of waiting until marriage. Because of other some problems, but I personally think because mainly of the whole sex problem, we ended up breaking up. My childish attitude broke us apart and we pretty much stopped talking to each other for two years.
Two years pass and we're still acting like morons, but for reasons of destiny -or more like because of my laziness- I ended up having to go to summer classes (pwnd by the Math teacher). For my bittersweet surprise he had also failed math and we were going to be in the same classroom. I finally swallowed my pride and decided to try and recover the friendship I once had with him. At first he wouldn't even answer me or even look at me, but a friend of mine persuaded him to at least answer me. We had previously send some e-mails to each other and he said that he didn't want to be my friend anymore because it was certain that he would fall in love with me again, but I thought it was going to be alright. Buuut he was right, and when I told him I loved him very much, but in a friendly way, he got really pissed off and stopped talking to me again. Eventually he gave me yet another chance and that's when my heart decided to stop working with my brain and started listening to my hormones. I went almost dialy (except sundays, family day) to his house that ended with heavy make-out and touching each other, specially in the bathroom shrugs.
I still didn't want to have sex until marriage, but when I told him I was going to go to another country for a couple of weeks for vacations he got really depressed. You couldn't tell by just looking at his face, but sometimes he would stare silently at me with such a serious expression, and then bear-hug me for long periods of time. When three days were left before my trip, we were hanging out in his house and I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. He went in too, and as he usually does, turned off the light and closed the door grinnig like an idiot, and we started kissing. The kisses led to touching and the touching led to nakedness. We were so concentrated that I just took of my panties and thought "This is it". He was surprised by my decision, but didn't think twice and started entering me slowly. I'm sure I've never experienced such a strange and overwhelming feeling, and it felt great until I got nervous about the timing (menstruation had passed two weeks ago, and we didn't have a condomn).
I'm not sure if my nervousness was a factor or not but I didn't got to get an orgasm, and even if we have had lots of sexual experiences I have never had one. I don't know if it's because of the guilt factor, something that happened in the past but I can't remembrer, or I was just born anorgasmic. A couple of days ago he came to my house and we had sex for hours, it was fantasting. In the end I was too tired so I asked him if we could just take a bath and relax, and we did. We took some photos and fooled around, I felt so happy, but even then I couldn't reach the orgasm. It's not a big deal, but I'm starting to feel frustrated, and I don't want him to feel incapable or something. Is there anything I can do about it? Please give me some advice, I really want to get rid of this problem.
I like the word anorgasmic.
Knowing this kind of stuff probably makes me quite the perv, but here are some tips. It would be better if a girl were to answer this though.
-An orgasm is something personal, not shared, so you need to focus a lot on yourself to get one. Basically you need to keep track of the good feeling in your vagina and make it grow. An orgasm is not an explosion of happines, but the climax of stimulation.
-If you are gonna have consensual sex, you'd better wholeheartedly stand behind it. Do you have sex now because you cant save your virginity anyway, because of that crazy bathroom scene? not really a good reason. Do you have sex because your boyfriend wants it? Not really good, but not really bad either. It would be best if you had sex not only because you love each other(s bodies), but also because you want to feel good.
-Remember that Jesus never said anything about virginity at all. The main reasons why christians even bothered about virginity was because 1) they wanted to set themselves apart from the rampantly promiscuous romans. 2) Jewish influences (with their strict laws) 3) The idolisation of the virgin mary.
So if you were planning to be a shining light in a pagan society, you should be a little ashamed, but otherwise nothing bad.
-They say that women who want to get an orgasm are best to practice how to get one on their own by masturbation. This should be done in a relaxed place where you won't be disturbed for at least an hour. Don't fixate yourself on orgasming, that is way too tiring, but do focus on the good feeling, and experiment with how you can make the feeling larger.
Oh yes. You are idiots for having sex without a condom. Seriously.
>>2 WE ARE.
But aside from that, I think I may be obsessing to much about it. Before my problem was taking too much care of pleasuring him and fulfilling his needs instead of mine, but now I don't concentrate enough on my body. And I'm stupid for not saying it enough in the first post, but yeah, I want to have sex with him because he's the only idiot I would ever come back to (in other words, I love him so much I would give away everything I believe in, then smack him in the forehead and call him an idiot. And then kiss him and snuggle with him).
About the whole virginity thing, I didn't do it because of my religion but started with something simplier. While watching a TV show whose name I can't remember, there was a couple talking to a priest, and he said something like "if you have sex before you marry, what will be so special about the honeymoon? You won't be giving anything you haven't before" or something like that. This made me think alot about the subject, and I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to have sex before marriage because: 1) I wanted to give my body to the man I love and want to marry, 2) The tought of having sex with more than one person makes me feel kinda dirty, and 3) Well, maybe there is a little a little influence from my religion, but it's not as relevant as the other points.
He's confident we will marry at age 24. I just sneer and mock a little, but the truth is I would love to have him as my mate as long as possible.
On the other hand Jesus made clear that there is only one relationship, one marriage, and marriage is who you stick your dick into, not the symbolic ceremony, hence the law to marry a woman you've forced yourself on in the law of moses. God thinks no differently of this today, so don't throw your bullshit around. If you remarry -and get it right now that I've clarified(so you don't say that people who hasn't exchanged rings can go around and fuck at will)- you commit sin. For whatever reason, you are not even allowed to remarry if your wife fucks someone else, you may deny her yourself if you feel so inclined, since she has in reality divorced you, but you may not take another wife yourself, only reunite with your current one. Only if your partner dies you are free to remarry, since marriage is only an earthly union and is dissolved when we part with this world.
It's all in the book if you ever care to read it.
Why do you worry? Isn't the main pleasure of sex to give your partner pleasure? Thats how I get off. Stop thinking and start feeling, not yourself but him. >>2 has masturbated too much and is wrong, you're not supposed to get the pleasure from yourself, if that's your idea then you will fail, unless your bf is a sex-guru and you are a natural born egoist who don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. Youre supposed to get pleasure from giving pleasure, set your mind to that.
The way I see it, your problem lies in your mindset being a shitty mixup of two schools, naturally you trust your instincts to give the right way, but you expect to get pleasure the wrong way because you've participated in sex ed. Forget about all the shit you've learned if you can, and focus entirely on what you have instead of what others have said you should get. Whats still great about sex should be your main concern, and if you can find pleasure in that per my instructions things should start working for you.
Also if he's confident you'll marry and you want that, why are you sneering and mocking? Cut that out, even if it's jokingly it will get old. Tell him how you feel instead, unlike us he would actually give a shit and probably be happy like a little retard. Thats a pearl in your hand but only to him, yet you present it to us instead.
>>4 Now I have two different opinions :D.
I'll never stop thinking on ways to pleasure him, but what I meant is that a couple of years ago all I could think about was make him happy, give him pleasure, do what he wants, and not for a second thought about me. I was like this with everyone and gave me lots of lonely sad nights (I was such a cry-baby.. Ah, the angsty youth). But yeah, if he's enjoying the ride I couldn't be happier... But yeah, gotta start feeling rather than thinking.
And it's not that all I do is mock about it, I'm kind of an agressive girl and usually cover my shyness and embarrasment with smirks. But in the end we're at the same love-struck level, and love to show it to each other.
Well theres nothing wrong with being a bit shy about being honest as long as you are, it's just another sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. You have no reason to cover anything from him, if you do it will eventually break you apart. At first it's only cute, but as I said in the long run it will lose it's appeal and create rifts instead.
Anyway, if you couldn't be happier as long as he enjoys himself there really is no problem then? The main point about sex isn't to reach orgasm or whatever, it's to have a good, intimate time together, it's to satisfy that urge to be one, both mentally and physically. You really got to appriciate that part most, it's what makes it special. Eventually you'll grow closer together intimately and this sex-thing will get better with time. You should help your relationship too by not ruining it with useless expectations and influences from the outside.
The more you want, the less what you have will be satisfactory. If you had no previous knowledge or experience of sex, it would all be totally new and immensely exciting when you started exploring this thing, even if it by common intellectual standard would be complete failiure. There would be no "omg he comes too early I don't get to orgasm this relationship sucks!", rather there would only be appriciation for all the things that are still pleasurable, it couldn't be better and still it would keep getting better with time. So just forget all other influences and expectations, have something that is completely unique to you two and there is nothing to be sad about.
Yes.. Thank you for putting everything in extremes again, >>4 and >>6, although I have to admit that you do raise some issues that would otherwise just be waltzed over.
First of all I never implied that a relation in which the sexlife is not fulfilling cannot last. Secondly, and perhaps I wrote this a little less clear - I never wished to imply that during sex you focus only on yourself. The point there was that focussing on your partner continually is probably not the way to orgasm. Fortunately for me, >>4 hasn't made any effort at all to show that he's better informed about orgasming than me (so we're both nitwits).
In my opinion, orgasming was the point. Even though a healthy relationship is a far more important topic, its not really the subject here, so we needn't talk about it. Why? Because I believe >>1 is perfectly capable to make her own decisions and evaluate the whole situation. She never asked us to evaluate her relationship at all, so its rude to push it in her face then... huh, >>4?
Finally I've got to admit that I ain't christian myself, and apparently the christian (virginity) problem doesn't cut much wood for >>1 anyway. Still, on a level of personal interest I'd like to know where Jesus actually said you can have only one woman during your life. (which imho can only be in the 4 gospels)
Matthew 5:31-32
Matthew 19:3-9
Luke 16:17-18
This passage might also interest you:
1Corinthians 7:10-11
Also he didn't say 1 during your life, I said if someone dies you're no longer bound to that union, and that also holds true for spiritual death, if someone leaves both the unity of christ and their relationship within it, and all attempts to recover this person fails, the one left behind is no more bound to that person than he/she would be to someone dead:
1Corinthians 7:15-16
>>She never asked us to evaluate her relationship at all, so its rude to push it in her face then... huh, >>4?
Well I had the objective to help her with the orgasm issue firmly in mind but I always believed laying a solid foundation is the best approach to solving any matter. The main problem here is peoples worries and expectations about sexual performance, not their lack of skills and knowledge. Can you appriciate that? Thus, to help someone, you should bring them out of the confusing maze of thoughts and ideas about sex, back to a clean start and work your way from there. The body is fully capable of working it's functions unless our thoughts screw it up. Proof? When our mind work with our lust instead of against it(i.e. it doesn't interfere), most people are quite capable of having orgasms without even touching themselves. It's all about letting yourself go, and if you can fully do that together with someone else, well it should be a walk in the park for both parts.
And it's paramount to remember that the basis of lust is to be one in thought, feelings and body, it's a natural instinct. To play in the hands of that is to drive not to remain within yourself as you connect with someone, but to transfer your mind unto them. So if your mind looses sight of this and remains within yourself trying to focus on personal performance, the experience will definately suffer even if you do reach an orgasm.
All three gospel passages say the same thing. Married people should not divorce unless there's a really good reason. I'd like to point out btw that it seems as if only the man can divorce his wife, not the other way round.
Let me next assure you that I am not out here to refute you, or the bible. I search for truth. It may be difficult for me to find truth in the bible because I am not christian though.
These passages are clear about the status of married people. But what about unmarried people? I can read for myself what Paul wrote to the Corinthians, a very promiscuous people btw - requiring a tough words to make christianity work, but there again he mainly talks about marriage. >>1 however is not married. Now I'm not sure, but I don't think the bible really calls sex before marriage inappropriate. Does it? And does it make a difference a couple likely to marry, and a couple not likely to? Wherein lies the holiness of marriage anyway?
My bible interpretation is more right than your bible interpretation.
>>1
Personally, I've never had an orgasm when I've been nervous or stressed, in spite of that my fiance is damned good in bed and normally is great at getting me off.
>>2 says very wise things, including the thing about unsafe sex.
Don't have unprotected sex again, please.
>>4
You are supposed to get pleasure from giving, yes, but also from receiving. If you're too hellbent on being 100% certain of giving really well, you'll be too focused on that to get off. I know this from personal experience.
As said, focus on having as much fun together with your partner, and not on getting either of you off.
You may find it boring, but try to get to know your body well by yourself, so you can help him with getting better at doing all the right things for you, and thus making the experience more fun for both of you.
Excuse a long answer.
>>All three gospel passages say the same thing. Married people should not divorce unless there's a really good reason. I'd >>like to point out btw that it seems as if only the man can divorce his wife, not the other way round.
Yes you may divorce your wife/husband if there has been a case of adultry, but you may not remarry, you are only allowed to reunite with your legal wife/husband. It's directly stated in
Luke, and in Matthew it can be understood by the statement that marrying a divorcee is breaking his/hers previous marriage.
And it does apply to both men and women, back in those days you just addressed the men in speeches since they were always the head of a family unit, if you addressed them you also addressed their family. If rules between men and women differed it was further specified.
Sex is marriage, you'd go in and lay with a woman and thus marry her because it is when you have intercourse you become one before God. Preferably though you should have had an agreement with her guardian but skipping that only made you responsible to pay a fine to him, it was not punishable by whipping or death. But it's for the sake of keeping peace between all the involved parts, parents and aquintances, that the marriage ceremony is held, but in itself it doesn't mean anything because it's only symbolic.
So there is no sex before marriage, I've seen plenty of people trying to cheat the word of God, making excuses to turn others and themselves into whores, but they are easily turned down by simply stating that the person you've copulated with is the person you have married, you are not allowed to leave him/her. And no you do not get away with just petting and stuff like that, if you do that because you try to avoid marriage you will be forced on it, just like a man who had taken a woman without consent had to stay with her in the law of moses. Anyone who thinks he/she can trick justice and truth will be humiliated.
And true, the Corinthians were rampantly promiscuous but so were the jews, and so are we today. The rules do not change, they are either hard or easy because we change.
>>And does it make a difference a couple likely to marry, and a couple not likely to?
I don't really get you here but I can say this, it pleases God more to see a couple staying forever faithful to eachother without having a marriage ceremony, than a couple who have one but no fidelity to go with it. God does not care for rituals and symbolic sacrifices, he cares about love, mercy, faithfulness, meekness, compassion, honesty, etc.
>>Wherein lies the holiness of marriage anyway?
It's a reflection of Gods bond to humanity, through the relationships he has given us, he wants us to understand him. As man was made in an image of God, the woman was made in an image of man, so the mans relationship to his woman is an image to us for Gods relationship to humans, and the womans relationship to her husband that of our relationship to God. As you strive to live by the word of God it becomes increasingly clear how important this image is, and how much we through it illustrate our understanding of and love for Gods will. By how we love our next we show our love also to God, what interests him is that we for the sake of his word keep righteous peace and companionship between us.
I never said you should concetrate on how to please I said you should just go with your lust, let yourself go I said, and you will naturally be turned to please because that is the essence of lust, unless you've somehow messed up your mind and thats no rarity at all.
And no theres no need getting to know your body until you have actually done it. If you leave it virgin soil you will have no preferences, and then, when the one you love comes along, the one whos every word and actions are holy to you, he will give you your preferences, because what he does to you in bed will be as holy to you as what he says or does otherwise. He will give you the places you love to be touched and the ways you want to have it, not you. That is love.
You think it doesn't work like this? You know that our sexual preferences, where and how we want it, is almost entirely based on mental ideas, not physical proneness, and our mind still has such a strong influence over our sexuality that under the right circumstances only mental stimulation can make a person explode who can't possibly come by physical stimulation alone. So if our mental preferences are dictated by someone who by his/hers natural sense of passion gives it to us, that person will be the best ever at satisfying our sexual needs.
But ofcourse people prefer to irreversably ruin that because they think they're smart.
don't like this christianity. It's so strict! as creatures of God, why do we have to follow all these rules? why can we not enjoy life? I thought 'everything is permissible before the lord'?
Frigid onanoko also unhappy about God's inefficiency. I don't see God. I tried to talk to God, let God into my heart. But the only voice replying my questions was Frigid Onanoko... waah! Why did God not give Jesus straight away? with all these convents he made, Adam and Eve, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, etc, and all the friggin' prophets.... Seriously! what else can I say than that he's just blundering about? And then this communication thing. Why is it that regardless of who you talk to, the people who can hear God are always 'other people?'
Also. FO dont believe in the devil. oops. trouble. no. Frigid onanoko unhappy with God, He's not doing a good job at marketing.
>>don't like this christianity. It's so strict! as creatures of God, why do we have to follow all these rules? why can we not enjoy life?
What makes you think we are creatures of God? You are born of flesh and have no likeness in him, then ofcourse you can't appriciate what he loves. To a spiritual being his words are love and life, to an earhtly being they are a pain in the ass.
>>I thought 'everything is permissible before the lord'?
lol I'd love to see the context of that quote.
>> I tried to talk to God, let God into my heart. But the only voice replying my questions was Frigid Onanoko... waah!
Why do you think he would answer questions you presume to have answers for, why would he answer questions he has already brought clarity in? People don't listen, they just want to hear his voice, yet they know not what they ask for. If you don't percieve Gods soul, how can you see his face and hear his voice? He is spirit, not flesh. If you do not become a spiritual being, born of him, you will neither see nor hear him ever. The Word of God, Christ, is a seed, it cannot come to life unless you plant it in good soil.
>>Why did God not give Jesus straight away?
Because then there were none to save. If you knew what it takes to create gods then I guess you could have an intelligent discussion with the Creator about his deeds. If you don't, live the part he has given you, you are supposed to know only whats relevant to you.
And in that regard I won't answer the other questions. You may however read this passage because it may hold some points of interest for you, if you can bear to grasp it: Romans 9:9-27
so really, noone can understand God, but christians understand hi m better? I don't percieve Gods soul... OOOPS! so I can't talk to him? What about Paul before he was converted by heavenly intervention? Anyway, so I'm not a spiritual being, unable to perceive God. Not even in church. Please don't tell me I need Jesus to become a spiritual being.
>Why did God not give Jesus straight away?
>Because then there were none to save.
Thank you God. Because you didn't give Jesus straight away, a lot of people went to hell already. that's.. just..great.. Or are you now gonna say that there will always be a portion of humans who will err away from God? That's one irresponsible God for you!
>People don't listen, they just want to hear his voice, yet they know not what they ask for.
Hey, my father listens to me, even if I don't know what I am really asking. We have arguments, but I believe in my dad, so why can't God be more like that? currently, its as if I had to read about my own dad in some dodgy book. Sorry, I can't love characters in a book! It'd be easier if the bible was an anime series but even then.....
Wow.. I'd think people wouldn't advise romans 9 to nonbelievers without guidance. Shouldn't you consult with your pastor before you try to make people christian? or are you just threatening with the wrath of God? Anyway,
>Though the number of the Israelites be like the sand by the sea, only the remnant will be saved.
What a caring God! Supposedly loves all the little grains, yet already calls the majority a lost cause. A little more communication wouldn't hurt the sand on the beach you know!
>I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.
>He hardens whom he wants to harden.
Sounds pretty random. So yay for the free will! God does what he wants to, and there's no way we can do anything about it.
>>so really, noone can understand God, but christians understand hi m better?
No the ones God have decided to show himself for may see him. And this will happen by them becoming one with the Word, the will of God. Paul got that mercy because in spite of his actions, God had planted something of value in him that he wanted to cultivate.
>>Please don't tell me I need Jesus to become a spiritual being.
I don't need to tell you that.
>>Or are you now gonna say that there will always be a portion of humans who will err away from God? That's one irresponsible God for you!
No I'm gonna say that most people were never even intended for the kingdom of heaven. They don't "err" away from him, they were never even close to begin with. Stop looking at our flesh thinking we are the same creations before God, you should instead appriciate the difference between your way of thought and Gods and realize you're not even a similar creature. There is a people who have no home on this earth, they are not of it, they have been called out to be descendants of God. You have nothing in common with their kind. Salvation is intended for them, not the others.
>>Hey, my father listens to me, even if I don't know what I am really asking.
Well your spiritual father is not God. You want God to be by your standards, you think you create God, not that God creates you. You should realize that were you intended for salvation, you are by no means a finished work, then you can't take the impulses and ideas produced by your incompleteness and have them be a standard by which the Creator of the universe must fit. You bow down before him, not the other way around. You obviously do not realize your place in this.
>>Sorry, I can't love characters in a book
lol, yeah right. Besides, you're not supposed to love God, he knows you can't, you're supposed to love people by his will, thats the only way you can reach out to him. If you cannot love what you can see, how can you possibly love what you cannot see? So thats how you initiate the conversation you're looking for, thats how you say "hi" to God.
>>Shouldn't you consult with your pastor before you try to make people christian? or are you just threatening with the wrath of God? Anyway,
The ones the Word is intended for are not offended by it, it gives them hope, comfort and joy, it makes them go "I knew it!", it makes them feel like they have finally found the way home. I'm not trying to make you a christian nor am I threatening you, I throw this out here because you asked for it.
You need to realize that those who God speaks to are not intended for this world, they have nothing in common with it's children, they hate what this world is and what it makes us, and the world hates them in return. Therefore they either hide themselves in their hearts, or become outcasts, until the Word finds them and calls them out of the darkness.
>>Supposedly loves all the little grains, yet already calls the majority a lost cause.
Supposedly is the right word. He has personal attachment to all his creation through his love, but love appears differently depending whom or what it's shed upon. But believe me when I say, already at the beginning, only a select few were intended to recieve Gods love as a father.
>>Sounds pretty random. So yay for the free will!
It would be random, true, if it was Gods intent to make heavenly beings out of all men, but he never said that, and not anywhere in the Bible says it anything about free will.
>>God does what he wants to, and there's no way we can do anything about it.
Indeed, thus, those who believe and trust in him have nothing to fear, just as the bible claims.