These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.
Fart, but quietly like a good little girl.
Point your gun at nobody in particular and proclaim, "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
>>340
You sit upright and listen to Sensei's lecturing. He has an indecisive, meandering manner of speaking, along with a tendency to go off on obscure tangents and an evident fondness of intricate diagrams that attempt to show several things at once. Nonetheless, you manage to keep up well, and learn all about the metastable nature of the third spatial dimension, which may collapse at any moment in a false vacuum-like event to leave a world which is, though technically two dimensional, in possession of nested fractal dimensions so as to appear three dimensional. You also learn, in passing, all about the applications to string theory, number theory, exotic animal husbandry and the novel Anna Karenina, amongst other things.
>>341
Try as you might, nothing will come out, quietly or otherwise. Indeed, you're fairly certain that youjo are physiologically incapable of farting or pooping.
>>342
You stand up, brandish the gun, and make a vague but assertive threat to nobody in particular. Sensei turns around from the blackboard, eyes wide and jaw hanging open. "I-it's you! Oh dear god!" he cries in horror, before diving out of the kyoushitsu and sprinting away down the corridor.
Follow sensei, but remember the rule of pointing guns: do not aim at anything you are not prepared to shoot.
Loudly sing 僕らはみんな生きている* while skipping after *sensei.
Assess whether or not I possess an anus in light of my failed attempt at farting earlier.
Don't shoot.
Assert my Americaness while pursuing sensei. Also remember that, since I'm American, I have legally owned and used over a thousand guns, making me quite proficient at brandishing guns and being 100% American.
>>344
You follow sensei at a brisk pace. You turn the gun around to make sure you don't shoot anyone.
>345
You begin to loudly sing and skip. The enormous amount of effort for you to learn Japanese as you sing while skipping causes you to trip. The gun goes off lodging a bullet into your heart. You are dead.
>>346
You cannot assess in death.
>>347
You won't be shooting anymore.
>>348
You are buried in an American made casket draped in a flag. 21 rifles are shot and eagles released at your funeral. After the funeral a barbecue is held in your honor.
Enter resurrect code
>>350
You are resurrected. Unfortunately you are in a flag draped casket under 6 feet of earth.
start digging.
>>352
Many centuries later, a casket is found by archaeologists containing a man's skeleton, with evidence of frantic scratching from the inside. This evidence of vivisepulture leads to much argument in the contemporary archaeologist community, as the consensus is that early twentieth century medical science should have been more than sufficient to confirm death before burial. This is confused still further by a bullet that appears to have pierced the heart, which should have been enough to kill any human. Some claim that the corpse is wrongly dated, and in fact from far earlier; others claim it to be Mafia work, while still others claim it to be an elaborate prank. A number of books are written about your corpse, and you even have the honour of being implicated in several government conspiracy theories.
At any rate, you are most decidedly dead. Again.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 12
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>343)
You chase after Sensei with all your might. His flimsy theoretical physicist body cannot keep up with your genki youthfulness, and you soon corner him at the top of a stairwell. Like the sensible little youjo you are, you keep your gun pointed diametrically away from either yourself or your quarry.
"P-please," he gasps, desperately out of breath, "I'll do anything, j-just don't... don't... that thing..."
He keeps glancing over your shoulder, as though expecting something unspeakably ghastly to appear behind you at any moment. By contrast, he appears entirely unfazed by your sidearm.
"Get me a fucking sandwich!"
Shame Sensei for talking about his "thing".
Call for Continue-chan.
Shoot blindly over the shoulder. Twice.
"Now give me some answers, or I'll give you the crotch!" Gesture menacingly toward our crotch area.
>>354
"Y-yes, right away, mistress." he mumbles, scurrying away towards the cafeteria. You follow close behind, watching closely for any signs of insubordination. Five minutes later you are sitting in the otherwise deserted cafeteria hall (hiruyasumi isn't for another half hour) accompanied only by Sensei and a cheese sandwich. Sensei looks to have calmed somewhat, but he is clearly still on edge.
>>355
You're not sure what this "thing" is that Sensei mentioned before, but you're convinced it must be something shameful. You attempt to convince Sensei of his guilt, but he insists that he doesn't want to talk about "it".
>>356
Sensei flinches as you call for your companion. She sheepishly pokes her head around the door, clearly having been following you loyally this whole time, but unable to muster the nerve to show herself. She comes and sits next to you, a nervous smile on her face.
>>357
You suddenly brandish the gun, point it over your shoulder and pull the trigger twice. Sensei and Contiue-chan both yelp in surprise, and Sensei attempts to adopt the brace position. Nonetheless, the gun does not actually fire, and instead just makes clicking noises. You aren't sure why.
>>358
You stand up from the table and threaten Sensei with your pelvic region. You even flash your pantsu at him to show him you mean business. He appears simultaneously terrified, mystified and deeply unnerved. He simply sits staring at your crotch, jaw quivering, unable to form words.
insert sandwich into crotch orifice of doom
Ask sensei why we lost contact with the control tower.
Put my handgun on the table and look around for any loot.
Apologise to Continue-chan for earlier
>>360
Clearly, Sensei has not grasped the gravity of the situation, you conclude. You must demonstrate the terrible power you wield. A stony look on your face, you grab the cheese sandwich, drop your pantsu, spread your legs and slip it into your crotch. It disappears without a trace. Sensei is mesmerised by the sight, eyes vacant, mind clearly blank. In a trance, he reaches across the table, hand stretching towards your special place. "H-hentai!" you scream reflexively, flipping your skirt back into place and pulling your pantsu back up. Sensei regains his faculties once he loses eye contact with the void, and seems surprised to find himself sprawled across the table as he is. He sits back down, shakes his head, opens his mouth as though about to say something, then thinks better of it and simply looks at you bewilderedly.
>>361
Sensei gives an abrupt, high pitched nervous laugh. "The Control Tower? You really think they're going to help us now?" He buries his head in his hands. "This is far beyond the Control Tower, you know. Nobody higher up's going to put an end to this catastrophe. It's all up to us."
>>362
You decide that this conversation is far too serious and depressing for your maidenly kokoro. You cast the heavy, useless lump of metal you've been carrying around onto the table and set off in search of shiny trinkets and takaramono. Alas, a thorough search of the cafeteria yields only a paperclip and half a biscuit.
>>363
"Continue-chan, I'm really sorry about before; please forgive me. I didn't mean it. I don't know what came over me. W-we're still tomodachi, aren't we?" you implore, voice quivering with contrition. "O-of course!" she replies at once, and rushes over towards you to hug you dramatically.
Unfortunately, she doesn't have the chance, as at that moment Sensei grabs her about the waist and backs away, holding the handgun (which you foolishly left within his reach) against her head. "Don't move! I'll shoot!" he threatens. His hand is shaking slightly. Continue-chan struggles against his grip, but to no avail. In the absolute silence of the empty cafeteria, you hear a gentle click as Sensei releases the safety on the handgun. "Now," he says, "You listen to me for a change. First of all, where the hell is that... that thing? That tentacled abomination, where is it?"
Consume biscuit.
Dub the adventure, 4kids style, for added hilarity and obfuscation.
Say that I don't know anything about any tentacled thing, but that it sounds extremely hentai and not like something a Sensei should be talking to his student about.
Ask sensei where the mecha suits are.
Make your best RoboCop impression and say, "This is the police. Drop all your weapon."
>>365
Without a word, you take the half-biscuit, slowly lift it to your mouth, take a bite, chew and swallow. You maintain eye contact with Sensei throughout. You take another bite, chew and swallow. The tension is unbearable. You put the remainder of the biscuit in your mouth, chew it and, finally, swallow. Sensei and Continue-chan stare at you, equal parts incredulous and expectant.
>>366
Hilarious and obfuscatory as that would no doubt be, you suspect that you'd find it rather difficult to dub other people's speech without knowing what they're going to say first, and especially difficult to dub your own speech whilst you're saying it.
>>367
At long last, you acknowledge Sensei's threat. You feign complete ignorance on the topic of tentacular entities, and try to divert attention towards the inappropriate nature of the topic itself. Sensei is not fooled. "Bullshit!" he interjects, "I saw you standing right next to the accursed thing! You can't possibly not have seen it. Now tell me, where is it?"
>>368
Undeterred, you continue your campaign of distraction. Sensei does not take the bait. He grips Continue-chan tighter, lifting her clean off the ground, and presses the barrel of the handgun into her temple. "T-tasukete, Conundrum-chan!" she pleads, namida streaming down her little face in rivulets.
>>369
You aren't sure who this Robokoppu is, but you attempt to impersonate him nonetheless. "This is the keisatsu." you say in a steely voice, "Otose all your kyouki." Sensei actually appears somewhat taken aback by the threat, and tries to negotiate with you. "Look, okay, forget about the tentacle thing. Do you know of any way back to the facility? Or at least to contact them? Anything? Come on, we can work together here."
You suddenly remember that you have at most five minutes before hiruyasumi starts, at which point the cafeteria will be flooded with gakusei. It may be wise to try to resolve the hostage situation before that, or it might escalate out of your hands.
Tell Sensei about the computer you left back in the field.
Say "the last time I saw the tentacled thing it was doing battle with ao oni. As far as I know they're both dead now."
"Now put the gun down and let's go find that computer!"
Now that we have reconciled, ask Sensei if he has seen Jack
And ask for another sandwich, this time for eating.
>>371
You tell Sensei about how you woke up in the middle of a meadow, and about the odd things that came from between your thighs. He listens patiently, asking only a few questions. He seems particularly interested in the severed foot.
>>372
In order to further mollify Sensei, you make up something about the tentacle thing being dead. "Who's Ao Oni?" he asks, then says offhandedly "Well whatever, so long as it's dead. That's a relief."
>>373
At that moment, the bell signalling the start of hiruyasumi rings, and Sensei agrees to release poor Continue-chan on the condition that the three of you set off immediately for the field. Which, indeed, you do. Continue-chan is very glad to be free, and insists upon holding your hand all the way there.
>>374
As you are walking, you try to bring up some light conversation, but can't think of any good questions. You decide to just blurt out whatever stupid question comes to mind first, which, predictably enough, doesn't really lead to much of a conversation. "Isn't that your name?" he asks, "Jack Conundrum-chan, wasn't it? Or do you mean another Jack?"
>>375
Instead of seeing this dead end of a dialogue through to the bitter end, you try a new question. "Can I have another sandwich, onegai?" Sensei replies, not altogether unreasonably, that he's already given you one and if you really wanted to eat one you shouldn't have wasted the previous one. Not to mention, he's still the one with the deadly weapon, not you.
Before you have a chance to make any even stupider queries, you arrive at the meadow. In the middle of the field, standing in front of the discarded computer, is a large tentacled creature. Its body is a dark brown, almost black colour, and is roughly two metres tall. Its upper body contains a large, toothy aperture which undulates rhythmically, as though undergoing peristalsis. From its body radiate countless thick, barbed tentacles. As you watch, it uses one of them to pick up the severed foot, probes it gently and then throws it into the orifice at the top of its body and swallows it whole. It doesn't appear to have noticed the three of you yet.
Ask sensei to explain Okun's law
Tease the horrifying tentacle beast because that would probably be hilariously deadly.
Squeal in joy about how kawaii your new friend is.
Orient my central chakra towards Jupiter and cast lvl 10 general protection. Rearrange my party so that sensei takes the lead, as he wields the strongest weapon. Set continue-chan on defense mode and end my turn.
>>377
Sensei, who has not yet noticed the giant tentacled creature, responds with a derogatory snort. "Law indeed! Really, it's little more than a rule of th-- Argh! Aaaargh! Oh dear god, no!" Sensei, having seen something he didn't want to, collapses onto the floor in the foetal position, quivering and murmuring to himself. He appears to be too overwhelmed by fear and zetsubou to help you much now.
>>378
You start walking into the field, preparing to taunt the thing, but you barely make it two steps before Continue-chan (who appears by now to be expecting your bizarre and nonsensical behaviour) tackles you to the ground and berates you for your reckless and potentially disastrous conduct. "Dame! That's dame, Conundrum-chan! Zettai dame!"
>>379
You're not sure Sensei really counts as a friend yet, and although he's certainly atama ga ii and rather kakkoii, he isn't particularly kawaii to the casual observer. You give a light squeal anyway, just for good measure.
>>380
You don't know where Jupiter is relative to your current position, so you just lie on the ground and point your solar plexus at the sky. You require level three thaumaturgy, level one healing and 50 mana to use the general protection ability. You currently have level zero thaumaturgy, level four healing, 65 mana and one unallocated skill point.
You can't convince Sensei to move to the front of your party, so instead you and Continue-chan stand behind him. You tell Continue-chan to only fight if she's attacked first. She looks rather troubled by this instruction, but finally nods in assent.
You end Jack Conundrum-chan's turn. You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan.
List available skills and have confusing thoughts about Jack-chan.
Throw Jack into an infinitely deep hole
Be Gamzee.
The the gram gibzie
Be gramsi at Sensei
Put salt in Jack's eyes
death metal plays in the background
Transform into horrorterror form so you can fight the tentacled thing fair and square.
Propose to the tentacled thing.
>>388
That would be a hidoi thing to do! Even the thought of doing something like that to the person you love makes you squirm in discomfort. Oh my, did you really say "love"? Golly gosh, is this how you truly feel about Conundrum-chan? You are so swept up in the ensuing emotional gravity wave that you forget you ever had an urge to put anything in anyone's eyes.
>>389
The tentacled thing stops abruptly and makes a painfully high pitched screeching noise. You aren't sure why or how, but it seems vaguely reminiscent of the sound of an electric guitar, only heavily distorted. It begins to violently beat its tentacles against its lower body at a very fast tempo. Though one would expect a solid sound, it instead sounds as though the body is hollow, like a bass drum. From behind you, Sensei sits bolt upright and begins to speak in an impossibly deep, throaty voice. "We're all gonna die!" he expounds. The drumming and screeching intensifies.
This is all very kowai to you. You instinctively grip Conundrum-chan's arm in fear. She also appears scared.
>>393
You have a very odd feeling, as though continuity was just violated (continuity, not Continue!), and, at that very moment, are filled with a strange sense of calm confidence. You stride purposefully into the meadow. The tentacle thing turns to face you, a seething mass of teeth, wiry appendages and hatred. It stops screeching and drumming for a moment to listen to what you have to say. "Konnichiwa, tentacle monster-san," you begin, "If it's okay with you, could you please fuck off?"
The tentacled beast is not amused. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" it replies, plucking you off the ground like a little flower.
>>390
You require level 12 telekinesis, level 5 healing, level 5 thaumaturgy and 75 mana to shapeshift.
>>391,392
You call to Sensei and ask him for a ring, but there is no response. "T-Tentacle monster-san," you say, "Will you m-ma--" You are interrupted by a plethora of tentacles, which proceed to - oh god, I can't watch - the horror! The horror! - oh, how abhorrent! Mercifully, you pass out from pain fairly quickly. The thing continues to play with your body for a while, then gets bored and eats you.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 13
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>387)
As you are standing at the edge of the field, gazing silently at the tentacled creature and at a loss as to what to do, you happen to turn around to see Sensei. He is gripping the handgun, and pointing it at the thing. His hands are shaking violently. If he shoots, it will likely attract the attention of the thing, and you have reason to suspect that it isn't friendly.
Put salt in your eyes
Be Sensei.
Grab Conundrum-chan's hand and make a run for it while Sensei distracts the thing.
Put salt in sensei's eyes before letting him bait the thing, just in case.
>>395
You cannot find any salt, nor for that matter can you find any reason to put salt in your eyes.
>>396
You are now playing as Dr Alexei Fujiwara (otherwise known as Sensei).
>>397
As you see the thing approaching, you stand up and give yourself a brisk shake. You can't stay here, not with that thing so close. Before you can make a run for it, however, you must ensure the safety of your accompanying nymphets, and somehow discourage that nightmarish beast from following you. A daring and heroic keikaku coalesces in the back of your mind. You tug at Conundrum-chan's hand - as Continue-chan is holding her other hand, both are pulled along - and the three of you begin to run away. Simultaneously, you throw the handgun as hard as you can into the field in the opposite direction. Hopefully, the thing will choose to investigate the weapon where it lands rather than follow you, in which case you won't need a weapon anyway. In all honesty, you were rather nervous about being in possession of such a dangerous item in the first place, and doubt you'd've had the nerve to use it.
Unfortunately, the tentacled thing proves better at reverse plotting aerial trajectories than you anticipated, and immediately gives chase, with a bloodthirty screech that exponentially rises in intonation. It displays remarkable agility and speed, dragging itself forward with its fore tentacles, moving about as fast as you can sprint.
You are running parallel to a hedgerow which marks the boundary of the meadow. A few metres ahead is a small wooded area, followed by a downhill slope leading to a road. On the other side of the road are the back gardens of some semi-detached houses. The tentacled thing is close at your heels, and, given your state of fitness, you won't be able to keep up your current pace for long.
>>398
You're in a field! There's no salt here - none! None at all! Even if there were, you wouldn't rub it in your eyes, nor anyone else's!
Find salt and put it in your eyes. Then Jack's eyes for good measure
run along the road and jump in front of the first vehicle we see!
check inventory/skills
Stay salty.
Lecture tentacled horror on Gandhi's theories of passive resistance.
Lecture tentacled horror on Ohm's theories of passive resistance.
Lecture tentacled horror on Danny's theories of salt in your eyes.
>>400
Mid-sprint, you spy something small, blue and cylindrical sticking out from the hedgerow, and grab it hoping that it might aid your escape. It reveals itself to be a container of "Reduced Sodium Salt". Ah, what a miracle! Manna from the gods! (Though surely, you think to yourself, it's oxidised sodium, not reduced). Yes, you know exactly what to do with this. Your eyes have gone saltless for far too long. You pour a little of that miraculous white powder into the palm of your hand, and, with a flick of the wrist, soon feel that sweet stinging release as the crystals abrase your corneas. Your vision blurs with tears and you blink by reflex. Some salt gets caught under your eyelids, causing unbearable itching and pain. You can barely see any more.
"Here, Conundrum-chan!" you shout, tentacle beast still mere metres from your precious orifices, "Rub this in your eyes!" You throw her the container. She does as instructed, and is soon in as much pain and tears as you are.
>>401
You run towards the road, or at least where you think the road is, but end up running head first into a tree. You fall flat on your back. Foolishly, Continue-chan and Conundrum-chan stop where you do. "Are you daijoubu?" asks Continue-chan, having seemingly forgotten why the three of you were running in the first place. She is soon reminded, as are you and Conundrum-chan, as the thing picks you all up and has its wicked way with you all. After experiencing a lifetime's worth of pain and humiliation, your entire party is killed and eaten.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 14
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)
>>402
Your inventory is empty, barring what you are currently wearing: a plain black dress shirt, black trousers, grey underwear, odd socks (one brown with an argyle pattern, the other white with red patches on the heel and toe), black shoes and a small, functional wristwatch on your left wrist. You currently have level one healing, level one matrimony and level three theoretical physics. The following skills are available to you:
>>403
Thankfully, your body is already quite adept at maintaining correct electrolytic balance. You haven't been sweating or urinating heavily, so you're probably salty enough already.
>>404
You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about the principles and history of nonviolent action. The thing interrupts and presents the counterargument that this approach fails to work when you are in life-or-death situations. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 15
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)
>>405
You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about the so-called Ohm's law, which, of course, is hardly a law, as it fails to encompass many electricity related phenomena such as electrical breakdown. The thing interrupts and tells you that it believed Ohm's law to be more or less infallible, and how upset it is to have been lied to thus. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 16
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)
>>406
You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about how and why people put salt in their eyes. The thing interrupts and tells you how upset it is that it has no eyes, and thus can't experience rubbing salt in them. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 17
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)
Eat tentacle monster.
Salt the tentacle monster as you start eating
Grab Jack, pull down her panties and point her crotch at the tentacled thing.
Be the tentacled horror.
Pour salt on the tentacled horror in hopes that it will get homesick and go back to the salty ocean
>>409
You try, and fail, to eat the tentacle creature, due in no small part to a general unfamiliarity with trying to eat living creatures, especially those larger than you.
>>410
Even pouring salt on it doesn't help. The thing, seeing your difficulty, aids you by giving a demonstration of how to eat living beings - even including a little pre-dinner entertainment - by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 18
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)
>>411
In a fit of desperation, you commit the most ungentlemanly act of your life, and, ignoring poor Conundrum-chan's screams and protestations, you displace her frilly pantsu, flip her skirt up and point her lower body at the fast approaching wall of tentacles. The innumerable sadistic, groping appendages wash over the two of you like a breaking wave in a storm, then - unbelievably - begin to withdraw! The horrifying mass is sucked into Conundrum-chan's crotch like evil, murderous tagliatelle. Conundrum-chan screams in horror. Continue-chan screams. You scream. The tentacle monster screams.
Then, a strange calm descends upon the scene. The creature is no more. You fall to the ground, breathing heavily and overwhelmed with relief. Conundrum-chan gives a startled yelp and pulls her pantsu back up.
>>412
Having just become responsible for the death of a sentient being, you spend a few moments reflecting on mankind's place in the world at large. You contemplate the so-called Holocene extinction; the vast amount of death wrought by mankind, starting 12,000 years ago. As humans spread their taint to each continent in succession, so each continent lost its megafauna - woolly mammoths, elephant birds, countless species of simian and felid - and thus lost any natural equilibrium and a substantial amount of biodiversity forever. Yes, you think to yourself, humanity is the true monster. We are all the tentacled horror.
>>413
You feel a sudden urge to pour salt on the tentacle monster but, of course, it is gone. Perhaps it was the last of its kind. Perhaps you are now responsible for its extinction. You pour a little out on the ground by way of a libation, as a single tear traces a line down your cheek.
Ask Conundrum if you can keep her pantsu.
Pour salt in Jack's crotch
Who received the skill point/mana for killing the tentacled horror?
While heading toward the forest for safety, explain as quickly as possible to Conundrum and Continue the events leading up to the dimensional collapse.
Set your name to "Player 1"
>>415
Conundrum-chan looks at you with shock, followed by a sort of uneasy mixture of disgust and fear. And yet, she finds that she cannot disobey. She removes her pantsu and hands them to you, avoiding eye contact and blushing with shame. Continue-chan looks on silently. A pair of frilly white pantsu has been added to your inventory.
>>416
As she is still next to you, you carefully, but firmly, push her to the ground and flip her skirt up with the intention of pouring salt into her crotch. Unfortunately, as soon as you catch sight of what lies beneath, you lose control of your actions, and succumb to the bewitching, hypnotic wiles of the void. Soon, you go the way of the tentacle monster. You probably deserved it as well.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 19
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>414)
>>417
You know you certainly didn't. You aren't sure how these things work; perhaps it only counts if you kill it directly, or maybe... maybe it isn't dead.
>>418
Having quite thoroughly forgotten what you came to the meadow for in the first place, you walk into the small forested area ahead of you while telling the two onna no ko as much as you know about the cause of the dimensional collapse, which is very little: the portal core and failsafes somehow failed, and then the dimension collapsed. The end.
>>419
You feel a tug at your sleeve. Continue-chan looks up at you, clearly so dokidoki and hanikami that she has difficulty getting the words out. "Anou, Sensei, shouldn't we go try the c-computer?" Yes, you agree, you should. The three of you walk back to the - thankfully vacant - field.
In order to get it working again, you elect to carry the computer all the way back to the chuugakkou and use it there. It's heavy, and a long way to carry, but between the three of you you finally make it. Sat in the IT room, the setting sun casting an orange filter over everything in sight, you plug in the computer and switch it on - it works! Now, to attempt to communicate with the contact tower. Hmm, you think to yourself, perhaps you didn't think this out very well; after the dimensional collapse, the universe was largely reconstructured, and there's every chance the control tower - or, for that matter, the entire facility - is no longer extant.
Cautiously, with heavy keystrokes, you attempt to connect to the facility intranet. The webpage loads slowly, excruciatingly slowly, redirects several times, and, at last, resolves to a login page. It requires a username and a password. There is nothing else displayed on the page.
>>420
Your name is now Player One.
Put salt into Jack's crotch with a blindfold on
Log in with the following:
username: username
password: password
If that doesn't work, try:
username: admin
password: password123
username: emanresu
password: drowssap
Enter the username and password with your nose, because the nose knows.
username: ' or '1' = '1
password:
Wait 5 minutes, clear the cookies, and refresh the page.
Ponder whether the game is broken since sensei was definitely about to start typing ' or '1' = '1
Type "Player 1", hit enter, type "ASS", hit enter.
Summon The Mighty Dongoloid
Unplug and replug the computer and mash random keys while it starts up.
Combine Q-Bert and Diviner Sensation to summon Key Fairy.
>>430
You sit around for five minutes twiddling your thumbs, Continue-chan and Conundrum-chan staring daggers at you the entire time. The webpage is the same as before, with the same condemning message.
>>431
This login setup is not something most people would consider a game, but you are not most people. You wonder if it's broken, because you clearly intended to type in more than a single apostrophe, even if the rest slipped your mind at the time. Yes, you think to yourself, the login screen should process not what you enter, but what you intend to enter. It's the login game's fault, really. That's much easier than accepting the blame yourself.
>>432
The username and password entry fields are greyed out, so nothing happens when you type.
>>433
You have no idea what this "mighty dongoloid" is, let alone how to summon it.
>>434
You give the power cord at the back of the computer a firm tug, and the screen goes dead. You plug it back in, press the power switch and, throughout the startup sequence, run your hands over the keyboard like an inexperienced but overenthusiastic jazz pianist. You end up opening the boot menu. It is set to boot from the hard drive by default, the other options being to boot from CD-ROM, USB or LAN.
You hear an exasperated sigh from behind you. Continue-chan grabs you by the shoulders and turns you to face her. "You utter baka!" she accuses, slapping you as hard as she can in the face. Your right cheek stings. "You incompetent aho!" she smacks you again, with the other hand, this time. Conundrum-chan looks on, at a loss as to what to do. "You useless unko-for-brains!" She pushes you to the floor and pins down your arms with her legs, then hits you in the face again. "What the hell is wrong with you, you subhuman piece of kuso!" Smack! "Just die!" Smack!
She pulls something from the back of her skirt - a knife - and presses the sharp edge against your jugular. She leans in close and whispers in your ear, in a low, monotone voice, "Stay away from the computer, and let me sort this out. Go sit in the corner of the room and stare at the wall. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Don't even look at anything." Once she sees she has thoroughly broken your spirit, she lets you get up and cower in the corner of the room, tail metaphorically between your legs.
>>435
You don't know what a Q-Bert is, but you certainly aren't in possession of one. The only sensations you have are shame, embarrassment and pain. You don't know what a "key fairy" is, nor how to summon one.
As you're busy sitting in the corner thinking such stupid and useless things, Continue-chan restarts the computer, installs TOR and attempts to connect to the intranet via another exit node, with apparent success. She types something in, evidently believing it to be the correct username and password, and is surprised and disappointed to find that it's incorrect.
Be Jack again.
Put salt on the computer
Check inventory...where did that knife come from?