We seem to have lost contact with the Control Tower.[grinding noises] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6882 14:51

These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.

2 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6883 00:50

Thank you.

3 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6883 01:44

Sir, I'm afraid these were not the correct files.

4 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6883 09:45

woop woop woop blat blat blat

5 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6884 09:33

You awaken on a cold, hard concrete floor. From a radio on the floor next to you, a voice says "We seem to have lost contact with the Control Tower", accompanied by grinding noises. Your inventory contains:

  • Briefcase full of files
  • Radio
  • Handgun
  • 3 bullets
  • Quiche

What would you like to do?

6 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6884 09:41

Check if the handgun is already loaded.
Tell the radio to start making sense, or if it cannot transmit or the other guy refuses, shoot it with the loaded gun. If the gun is not loaded, don't bother. Have some Quiche to stop feeling so cranky.

7 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6884 11:28

The handgun is not loaded. The radio can both transmit and receive, but the person at the other end has stopped responding. The radio is currently just broadcasting grinding noises. You enjoy a slice of quiche lorraine and feel much better for it.

8 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6886 20:47

I examine my surroundings, and try to listen if there are any sounds other than those from the radio. If it's quiet enough to concentrate, I open the briefcase and skim through the files.

9 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6886 21:08

You are in a corridor made of concrete. There are numerous metal pipes and ventilation shafts running above your head. To your North is a locked door. To your South, the corridor continues for about 20m before turning a corner. To your East, the ceiling has collapsed and the corridor is blocked by rubble.

You can hear an intermittent dull rumbling noise coming from above and a low hum coming from behind the door to the North.

You open the briefcase full of files. There are roughly a hundred of them. They are all uniform in shape and appear brand new. You are unsure why you have them or what possible purpose they could serve; your fingernails may be getting a little long, but there's no reason why you would need 100 nail files just for yourself.

10 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 17:45

I knock on the northern door. If there isn't an answer, I'll try to see if there's a way to pick the door lock with a nail file. If that doesn't work, off to the South I go.

11 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 17:47

There is no answer and the door resists your efforts to pick the lock.


You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

12 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6890 20:01

You come across a man lying face down on the floor in a pool of vomit. Judging by the smell and the brown streak on the back of his lab coat, he has soiled himself. There is a crackling noise coming from under his lab coat.

13 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6892 21:20

where going down!!!!

14 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6892 21:38

You don't know how to where going down!!!!. Please try another command.

15 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 05:34

Examine ===> Crackling noise.

16 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 10:09

It turns out to be a geiger counter, which is crackling quite violently. In his lab coat pockets you also find a pencil and a wallet containing a key card and an unrecognisably blurred photo.

17 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 10:44

Examine self

18 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 12:12

A cursory inspection reveals that you are still yourself.

19 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6896 20:15

Take my trousers off

20 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 07:41

You are not wearing any trousers. The only things you are wearing are:

  • Full body grey jumpsuit
  • Underwear
  • Pair of glasses
  • Wedding ring

21 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 10:06

>>19, pick one of >>20 to remove from your possession.

You can get it back when you complete the quest.

22 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 10:34

I remove my dignity.

23 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 17:45

Remove wedding ring
Inspect wedding ring

(what the hell would marry me?)

24 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 20:58

You remove all of your clothing.

It is a plain, unadorned gold ring. The number 925 is engraved on the inside.

25 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 22:25

You write the number down in your journal. Upon this, you notice it's 9:25 PM.

26 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6897 22:58

use: imagination

27 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 00:07

You spend a few moments in lala land, imagining all sorts of weird and creative things. Unfortunately they do not have any bearing on situation, and when you come to your senses moments later you are in no better position than before.

The stench of the dead man is beginning to get oppressive. You should get out of here.

28 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 01:54

put face firmly between dead man's buttocks

29 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 04:10

deeply inhale

30 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 07:05

You plunge your nose into the dead man's behind. It is clear that the man has, indeed, soiled himself. It seems that he is not wearing any pants or underwear under his lab coat, as you can feel his decaying skin through the thin layer of his shit-soaked lab coat. Some of the moist, bubbly shit even enters your nostrils as you deeply inhale. It is still warm. Your lungs fill with the putrid, intoxicating aroma of feces. You feel dizzy.

You pass out.

31 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 10:06

After an indeterminate length of time, you wake up again to the sound of the geiger counter crackling even more violently. You get the feeling you shouldn't be sticking around here.

To your West is a corridor leading back to where you started, including the locked door. To your East, the corridor continues but it is completely unlit and you cannot see very far.

32 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 15:30

turn off geiger counter
hang out here a little longer

33 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 17:19

You look for a switch on the geiger counter but find none.

Time passes.

34 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 17:31

You wander, and approach a door. It's locked with a numerical key system.

35 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 17:50

Enter 259
Enter 529
Enter 295
Enter 952

36 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 17:54

Enter 5008
Stand on head
Read what you entered

37 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 18:08

You try to stand on your head but end up falling over and vomiting profusely. You also have a headache. None of the key combinations work because the input requires five digits.

38 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 19:50

Enter 80005

39 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 19:51

Enter 91993

40 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 19:53

Enter 80085
Feel like an idiot

41 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 19:57

Reminisce about childhood

42 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6898 22:40

Enter 37337
Enter every number between 00000 and 99999

43 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 00:24

say "xyzzy"

44 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 00:42

None of your entries work, however you succeed in feeling like an idiot.

You cannot remember your childhood.

You give up somewhere around 00189. The door remains closed.

Nothing happens.

In other news, there is an unwelcome rumbling in your bowels.

45 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 01:33

Turn the dead man over and take a shit on his face

46 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 10:42

Ignore symptoms of radiation poisoning
Enter 00190

47 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6899 14:16

look at floor

48 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6900 18:56

I love your cover art.

49 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6900 19:36

You carefully flip over the poor gentleman's corpse and take a thin, watery shit on his face. You do not feel awfully proud of yourself.

Try as you might, you cannot ignore the pounding headache, nausea, diarrhoea, fever and feeling of light headedness. Desperately, you enter 00190 into the keypad, and...

Miraculously, the door swings open. You rush in and slam the thick metal door shut behind you. The geiger counter ceases crackling as violently moments later.

You find yourself in what looks like an office. On the West wall is a potted plant and a painting of a burning house. The North wall is covered in bookshelves. On the East wall is a desk with a chair and a computer terminal. The screen shows the following:


The fourth column appears to be counting down in seconds, giving you just under 50 minutes until the timer hits zero.

The floor in the office is made of bluish-grey carpet. Outside is is bare concrete.

50 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 00:24

Go to computer terminal
Wait 49m 39s
Type Ctrl+C

51 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 13:57

Play a text adventure to pass the time while waiting

52 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 15:41

[grinding noises] DRR DRR DRR

53 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 21:58

You stand around for 49 minutes and 39 seconds, after which you press ctrl+c. Nothing happens.

Using the pencil you stole from the dead man's pocket, you write out a text adventure on the wall. It concerns a man who wakes up in a dungeon with worn armour, a rusty dagger and amnesia.

You make a reference to The Enigma of Amigara Fault and feel very smug about it.

Having wasted this much time, you now have fourteen seconds remaining until the timer reaches zero.

54 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6901 22:32

Unplug the computer

55 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 20:37

Assume the party escort position

56 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 21:09

The screen goes dead.

You lie face down on the floor, waiting for a party associate to come. In a sudden flash of inspiration, you realise that this must have been exactly what the man outside was doing!

After fourteen seconds have elapsed, you are vaporised along with the rest of the facility.

Deaths: 1

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>49)

57 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6902 22:21

Break the pot.
Examine the painting.

58 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 00:58

You break the pot holding the potted plant. It spills soil everywhere and yields several sharp looking ceramic shards.

The painting depicts a mock-Tudor style house on top of a hill, which is on fire. It is night, and a full moon is visible in the sky. Flames are spilling out of the windows and through a hole in the roof. The smoke makes an odd spiralling pattern.

59 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 02:45

Type 'HELP' on the computer terminal.

60 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 06:43

HELP: unrecognized internal or external command.

61 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 06:54

Examine bookshelves.

62 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6903 13:22

You examine the bookshelves. You touch and feel around the spines, brushing away century old cobwebs. Reminiscing of childhood, you recall tales of hidden passages that, upon pulling out the right book, reveal a secret door. However 10 minutes pass, you have no luck, and decided to give up.

When suddenly, resting upon on a stack of text books relating to Lepidopterology, you notice a faint stream of light coming from the second shelf. It must have previously gone unnoticed in your search, due to the low positioning of the shelves.

You pull out a book, and then another. A passage way reveals itself. The light is so bright - a white, almost blinding light - that you can't really make out what could be on the other side of that hole...

63 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6904 06:24

Look for a piece of smoked glass or something to use as shades, and try to make out what's on the other side by shielding my eyes. Ponder what will protect the place on the other side of the hole from vaporization, and look for suitable shielding material.

64 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6904 06:41

Take the painting.

65 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6904 20:10

There is no smoked glass anywhere. The only things visible are what were mentioned in >>49. There is nothing to suggest that the room on the other side of the hole will be protected from vaporisation. All you can make out from here is that the flooring is made of small square white tiles.

Behind the painting is a hidden compartment, containing a piece of paper on which is written:

Samson 512

You can hear footsteps outside.

66 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6914 23:42

take footsteps
listen to piece of paper
wear hidden passageway
climb into wedding ring

67 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6915 21:47

You systematically fail in every endeavour.

68 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 01:06

Walk through doorway with arms outstretched and middle fingers pointing upwards to greet whomever approaches

69 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6916 10:41

You attempt to walk through the doorway, but forget that there's a door in the way! What a silly mistake. Whoever it is outside hears you bumping into the door and begins inputting something into the keypad.

70 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 01:24

get naked


71 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 13:59

You already got naked at >>24. You smile for no reason in particular.

The person outside enters the correct combination into the keypad. The door swings open!

Before you stands a rather threatening looking man wearing grey combat armour. He has a helmet with a visor, so you cannot see his face. Without a word, he points his laser gun at you. He doesn't seem very friendly.

72 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 16:05

insult threatening man's mother

73 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6917 18:52

Will penis into semi-erect state and wink suggestively. Point out you are very much a grower, not a shower.

74 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6918 10:43

"You're mother's a wh-- urk!"

He shoots you with his laser gun, burning a huge scorched hole into your chest.

You cannot feel the lower half of your body, but with your dying breaths you wink one eye in what you hope to be a suggestive manner. Then you die.

Deaths: 2

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>65)

75 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6918 12:45

Dear >>755,
If you wind the clocks back a year (1992?), you won't find anything you described. Tripcode users lived in peace with ( ˃ ヮ˂). And there weren't any active *channers around, because everyone tried to keep this place a secret. Everyone was happy.

And now there is you, a guy who tries to turn people against me. A guy who deliberately puts himself aside from tripcodes and chan-goers. One might make a logical mistake that you must be a true DQN*. But in reality, you are no better than an average *channer.

You are probably even worse, because your only contribution is a constant nagging and complaining. You should move this to your facebook page, it's better suited for this purpose.
Thank you in advance.

76 Name: !ESpeoN/nPA : 1993-09-6918 12:47

Sorry, sorry about that. My browser is borken.

77 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7224 22:32

You come to your senses, oddly aware that an indeterminate amount of time has passed. You feel a sudden compulsion to check first your inventory, then your surroundings.


  • Briefcase full of files
  • Handgun
  • 3 bullets
  • Half eaten quiche
  • Geiger counter
  • Pencil
  • Key card
  • Blurred photo
  • Pair of glasses
  • Wedding ring

You are standing completely naked in a small office. On the West wall is a potted plant, of which the pot has been broken. Also on the West wall, a painting of a burning house has been removed, revealing a compartment with a slip of paper. The North wall is covered in bookshelves. Behind the bookshelves is a secret passage, from which is coming an extremely bright light. On the East wall is a desk with a chair and a computer terminal. The screen shows 00:00:47:26, and the last column is counting down in seconds.

You can hear footsteps outside.

What would you like to do?

78 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7224 23:21

Take slip of paper.
Attempt to prop chair against door, preventing (or at least hindering) enterence from outside the room.

79 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7224 23:39

The slip of paper reads "Samson 512".

You manage to prop the edge of the chair under the doorhandle, but in doing so make a fair bit of noise. The footsteps outside stop, and somebody begins inputting a code into the keypad.

80 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 00:32

Don the wedding ring, use geiger counter on the quiche, if there is no radiation or the counter is broken eat the quiche, get ready to pistol whip anyone who comes through the door,

81 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 12:25

You put the wedding ring back on. The quiche does not appear to be particularly radioactive, so you start shovelling it into your mouth.

You hear the person outside attempt to open the door. The chair holds, and the door remains closed. They type in the code again (during which time you get into position next to the door) then try to open the door again, to no avail.

You hear odd fumbling noises for about thirty seconds, then footsteps running away.

82 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 18:14

Save game.
Remove books, enter bright passage.

83 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 19:56

Game saved.

You fling the books out of the way with wild abandon and stuff yourself into the narrow passage, eyes screwed tightly shut against the blinding light. Moments later you hear an explosion from the room you just came from; presumably, the man outside used an explosive to open the door.

You emerge from the passage into another room. It is far too bright to see anything at all, but you can grope around. The walls and floor feel like they're made of small square tiles. There is heat emanating from the centre of the room, which is presumably the source of the light as well.

84 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 20:26

Use Geiger counter to check if light source is radioactive

85 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 21:28

The Geiger counter registers some background radiation; slightly more than the office you were just in, but still far less than the radiation around the corpse in the corridor at >>12.

86 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7225 22:15

Rearange the matter in my hand to create an anti-light source that absorbs and violently reacts with light.

87 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7226 05:32

Make use of the nail files, using them to bore your way through that one pesky locked door

88 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7226 19:48

You need at least level 10 telekinesis and 50 mana to change the properties of parts of your own body. You currently have level 0 telekinesis and 0 mana.

The locked door is back at the very start and would be very difficult to get to - not to mention, >>10 already tried and failed.

89 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7226 22:45

Fantasize about a cute girl.

90 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7226 23:26


91 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7226 23:38

You immerse yourself in a deeply elaborate fantasy about your ideal girl.

She has long, dark hair which she holds up in places with cute little white ribbons. It flows and ripples in the wind like leaves on a tree, yet never becomes dishevelled. Parts of her hair hang down to either side of her head, framing her bright little face, which is populated by small, dainty features, apart from her large bright eyes. When she smiles - as she does often - she instinctively closes her eyes and tilts her head slightly to one side. She usually wears long, beautiful dresses, in simple bright colours, adorned with frills and ribbons wherever possible. She often wears thigh-high socks, and probably some very cute underwear as well, but you wouldn't know about that.

She is a thoroughly wonderful person; fun loving, quick to forgive, always able to see the best in people and possessing a childlike innocence that allows her to take a profound enjoyment from seemingly everyday experiences - a single flower on a road side; a particularly fluffy cloud. Also, she refers to you as "onii-chan" even though you aren't actually her brother.

She secretly has magical powers which she uses to protect everyone from the unknown evils of the night, whilst simultaneously keeping up a façade of living a normal girl's life. She does this not out of vanity, duty or for any perceived reward, but out of the goodness of her heart. She is one of the central characters of an anime series which is hugely successful and loved by all, which enjoys many sequels. In an especially poignant scene in the final episode, it is revealed that she actual-- whoops, looks like you got a bit carried away there. Never mind.

You cannot locate any trolls.

92 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 02:52

Squint eyes and inspect surroundings.

93 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 14:49

File myself into a fine dust and become a pathogen, intoxicate the entire facility and then recoagulate in the locked room.

94 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 15:20

Even squinting your eyes, you can't see anything at all, so you attempt to inspect your surroundings by touch. You circumnavigate the odd little cubicle you're in, and find that it is octagonal in shape and slightly less than three metres in diameter. You cannot locate any other entrances or exits besides the passage through which you entered. You cannot reach the ceiling.

Against your better judgement, you attempt to touch the light source in the centre of the room. It is hot to the touch, but not scolding. It feels hard, smooth and rounded, like an egg. It is affixed to the floor.

You file your nails. They look much better. As mentioned in >>88, you require at least level 10 telekinesis and 50 mana to, for instance, convert yourself into a pathogen. Furthermore, you require level 24 healing, level 16 necromancy and 75 mana to convert yourself into dust without dying, even with the use of a tool.

95 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 15:25

File the light source

96 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 15:42

The light source makes a high pitched screeching noise as you abrase it roughly, like an angry violin player. That is, an angry player of violins, not a player of angry violins. As you continue, the light brightens, then diminishes, then starts flickering. Without warning, the whatever-it-was shatters! The light disappears completely, leaving you in pitch darkness. For a moment, all is silent, then a siren starts warbling from somewhere above you. Your ankles feel suddenly cold. You realise that the chamber is filling with water.

97 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 20:20

Say "uh oh"

98 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7227 23:39

Retrieve arms.
Take pumpkin.
Make a shitty internet reference.

99 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 00:17

Determine by sound and/or current where the water is coming from. Attempt to estimate the height of the ceiling. File teeth to sharp points while waiting for the water level to rise sufficiently to be able to swim towards any exits detected above.

100 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 09:41

You say "uh oh".

What pumpkin?

On closer inspection, the floor is full of tiny holes, each about 1cm in diameter. The water appears to be rising from them.
By reaching above you, you attempt to gauge the height of the ceiling. Your hand discovers a series of horizontal bars positioned as to block vertical movement.
You attempt to file your teeth into sharp points, but only manage to file one of them sufficiently before the water has risen to the point where there is barely enough space to breathe.
Your gum is bleeding.

101 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 10:01

swim back through passage we came in?

102 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 13:51

You cannot find it. Judging by the rate at which the water has been rising, the passage has closed up.

103 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 15:23

enter infinite oxygen cheat

B, R, E, A, T, H, E, 4, E, V, E, R, ENTER

104 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7228 20:22

Black out and wake up in a mysterious location.

105 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7229 13:06

An infinite amount of oxygen materialises in your lungs. In an instant, the mass of the oxygen creates such a large gravitational field as to overcome the forces separating the subatomic constituents of each oxygen atom. The mass collapses first into a neutron star, then into a singularity, forming a black hole of infinite mass. You are consumed from the inside out. The room you were in is consumed. The facility is consumed. The planet is consumed. The galaxy is consumed. The universe is consumed. You have destroyed the entire universe.

Deaths: 3

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>102)

You lose consciousness. You awaken, still naked, on a carpeted floor. You find yourself in what appears to be a library. To the East and West lie closed doors. To the North and South are bookshelves laden with old tomes on various esoteric fields of science.

There is a wet streak in the carpet leading from your current position to the East, suggesting you have been dragged by someone or something. Your briefcase, and with it everything that was in your inventory, is missing.

106 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7229 13:17

Bravely climb bookshelves to the North.

107 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7229 16:57

The shelves form a convenient ladder, and thankfully the structure is weighted such that it doesn't topple over and crush you like a small, stupid insect.

From your vantage point, you can see across the entire ground floor of the library. The walls are all lined with bookshelves, and the space between is filled with densely packed rows of bookshelves similar to the one you find yourself perched upon. To the East and West, there are closed doors, as you saw before. To the South is a large wooden staircase leading to the next floor. To the North is an open door, and what looks like a reception desk, behind which lies a... thing. It's sort of greenish-brown, with small white protrusions dotted around its surface; possibly teeth? From its underside a multitude of tentacles flail and wriggle around, some lying flat against the floor and some clawing at the air. You can see a large, dark orifice where its "head" might be. The entire fleshy mass is pulsating with a regular rhythm.

As you watch, the tentacle thing slithers out of the North exit. You notice that one of its rear tentacles is firmly latched onto your briefcase, which it drags with it.

108 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7230 04:36

Save "library-beginning-topOfNorthShelf.sav"

Start taking out books at random and skim the contents.

109 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7230 13:48

Search for books on the occult, or any books that would give information on the thing.

110 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7230 23:14

Game saved.

The books cover a variety of topics, and languages; the vast majority are not written in English, and many are in scripts you don't even recognise. There is no obvious pattern or system as to how the books are organised. Of the books you are able to identify through illustrations, several are on anatomy, with a few books on organic chemistry and atlases of obscure corners of the globe. Those in English are fairly mundane; scientific journals and encyclopaedias, for the most part.

You find one book on the occult, written in what you suspect to be Greek. It is bookmarked at a page showing how to set up a magic circle using salt and candles. Skimming through the rest of the book, the other illustrations are mostly other magic circles or sigils; there is nothing about the tentacled thing.

111 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7231 04:15

Draw the most Tibetan symbols in the book and from memory and chant the summoning of the Azi Dahaka in Hebrew.

112 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7231 08:20

Check inventory.

113 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 00:34

None of the symbols look particularly Tibetan. You don't have any implement with which to draw symbols, and you don't know how to summon Azi Dahaka.

The contents of your inventory was in the briefcase, which is currently in the possession of some sort of betentacled creature. You are, however, still wearing your wedding ring.

114 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 02:32

Eat wedding ring and masturbate.

115 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 07:09

Luckily I know greek. Hit me.

116 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 16:31

You remove your wedding ring and swallow it whole, then begin manipulating your genitalia.

You come under the influence of a sudden and demonstratively incorrect misconception that you understand how to read Greek. With the hand which is not currently otherwise engaged, you start hitting yourself in the face with the book. You still cannot read any of it.

117 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 18:04

Check stats/skills

118 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7232 22:52

Shout professions of love at creature.

119 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7233 00:22

Health: 92
Mana: 0
Kills: 0
Deaths: 3

Telekinesis: 0
Healing: 1
Necromancy: 0
Thaumaturgy: 0
Pyromancy: 0
Enchantment: 0
Matrimony: 1

You shout "I love you, tentacled monstrosity!" in the general direction of the doorway you last saw your beloved. For a few seconds nothing happens. Just as you are beginning to think it may be out of earshot, the thing returns through the same doorway it left by. Displaying remarkable speed and agility, the creature closes the distance between the doorway and you in a matter of seconds. It starts making odd intonations, which rise in pitch. The thing extends one tentacle to your face, and caresses it tenderly. Its tentacle is warm, soft and comforting. You feel a profound contentedness as you realise that your feelings are reciprocated. You have found true love.

120 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7233 06:18

Take briefcase.

121 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7233 16:12

Vomit up wedding ring and propose with it.

122 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7233 22:13

The thing willingly returns your briefcase. It does not appear to have been tampered with, and nothing is missing. Your inventory now contains:

  • Briefcase full of files
  • Handgun
  • 3 bullets
  • Geiger counter
  • Pencil
  • Key card
  • Blurred photo
  • Pair of glasses

You turn away, stick two fingers down your throat, and vomit all over the library floor. Amidst the acrid mess and half digested quiche, you locate the shiny gold band. You turn back to your beloved, compose yourself, and mentally prepare the wording of your proposal.

First of all, if you are to become engaged to this unholy monstrosity, you ought at least to know its name. As you are unsure what name it might have, nor do you know if it even has one, you suspect it to be within your rights to name it. Secondly, it seems impersonal to keep calling the creature "it". You could conceivably call it "her", or singular "they". Alternatively, it could be a good opportunity to employ some Spivak pronouns.

123 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7233 22:36

Name her.
Continue Masturbation.

124 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7234 00:23

Call her "Emily"

125 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7234 22:45

Haha! That's ticks's first name!!

126 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7234 22:52

Oh my beloved continue masturbation, you shout getting down on one knee, would you make me the happiest coagulation of orifices on the entire world you lament. She wraps her tentacles around you in a warm embrace. You have a lot of wedding planning to do.

You call Emily for her, but Emily seems to be out of earshot and you don't know anyone named Emily.

127 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7234 23:11

Exit proudly through lobby with new bride.

128 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7234 23:37

Technically, she is your fiancée, not your bride. Pedantry aside, you and Continue vacate the library via the North exit. You find yourselves in a spacious corridor. The flooring is marble and the walls are clad in carved wooden panels. There are various doors branching off to the North and South. To the West, the corridor almost immediately turns South, so you cannot see very far. To the East, the corridor continues for roughly thirty metres before terminating in a large ornate wooden door. The door looks to have been forced open.

129 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 15:25

Examine Inventory

130 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 16:48

You admire your inventory's clear, straightforward and uncluttered GUI (which you pronounce "gee you eye", not "gooey" because you're not an idiot). Each entry has its own hand drawn icon. Hovering over an item displays its name, and right clicking opens a context menu with the obvious sort of options (use, examine, discard, eat, etc.). Items are arranged in the order in which they were acquired, but can be rearranged. You conclude that it's not a bad inventory but might become cumbersome and difficult if you have large numbers of items.

131 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 15:01

Sashay down east corridor.

132 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 18:41

Screengrab the inventory, cut out one of the weapon icons, and use it for my Facebook profile picture.

133 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 21:12

You suavely make your way down the corridor. Continue follows at your heels. The door at the end is slightly ajar, with scraping marks on the wood suggesting that it has been forced open with a crowbar. On the other side of the door is what appears to be the lower seating area of a concert hall. On the stage is a naked man lying on a large blue cloth. His chest has been surgically laid open, revealing his thoracic cavity. On one side is a set of surgical tools. On the other are his ribs, his sternum and several organs that you cannot identify from this distance. There is remarkably little blood to be seen.

You require level 5 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the "screengrab" ability.

134 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 23:20

Take surgical tools, they may come in useful.
Feed the victim's externalized organs to bride.

135 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 23:46

Three scalpels of various sizes, one pair of forceps, two sets of clamps, one osteotome, one retractor, one pair of surgical scissors, one pair of iris scissors, one sternal saw, one pair of tweezers and a mallet have been added to your inventory.

You hold one of the man's lungs up to Continue's gaping toothy orifice, but she shies away. She shows no interest in the other organs either.

136 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 00:08

Touch penis

137 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 12:41

On closer inspection the dead body's penis has also been surgically removed, and is nowhere to be found.
You instead touch your own penis. Technically, you have already been doing this constantly since >>114, but you do it again just to be on the safe side.

138 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 23:55

Stop masturbating

Save game

139 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 00:01

You stop tugging at your penis. It comes off in your hand. In fact, it appears to have been attached to your body only via duct tape.

Game saved.

140 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 01:03

Tape penis to corpse

141 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 01:40

Fellate penis

142 Name:   : 1993-09-7313 08:39

You tape the penis to the dead body, and it fits perfectly.

You suckle the penis that had until recently been in your possession.
Suddenly, you hear a low rumbling sound. Part of the floor nearby sinks, revealing a staircase descending below.

143 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 16:36

Ask Continue to descend first

144 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 17:27

Search the void where your penis used to be for clues

145 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 19:55

You point down the staircase. Continue undulates her tentacles and makes cooing noises, then descends. For about twenty seconds nothing happens, then you hear a scream and three gunshots, followed by an ominous silence.

You sit down and bend over double so as to be able to see where your penis was. The skin appears to peel back about a roughly circular orifice, approximately seven centimetres in diameter. Inside is a pure black void interspersed with small blue-white spots, somewhat like a night sky. Now that it is no longer covered, it seems to be making a quiet low pitched roaring sound. Your gaze is pulled deeper and deeper into the void. The roaring fills your head. You cannot think.

Slowly, gently, your fingers edge closer and closer to the edge of the orifice. You notice it twitch slightly in anticipation. One finger enters, and immediately goes numb. The rest of your fingers, are sucked in, followed by your hand, then your forearm, then your upper body up to your shoulder. The rest of your body is contorted and torn until it fits into the all consuming void. The last of you to enter is your legs. The void laughs.

Deaths: 4

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>139)

146 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 21:00

Tape penis to corpse, but wait to see if the floor opens anyway without fellating the penis

147 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 21:16

You tape the penis to the dead body. Nothing happens, although you feel a slight urge to perform oral sex on the recently re-membered corpse before you.

148 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 00:28

Ask Continue to fellate the penis

149 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 03:10

Sew void in groin together with surgical tools without looking into the void.

150 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 12:30

She seems confused by the instruction. She makes uncertain warbling noises, while bobbing her head - or at least the part of her body bearing an orifice - near the man's genitalia. Nothing happens.

You do not have any thread or a needle. The surgical tools you have found are exclusively those used for taking the body apart.

151 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 16:40

Plug hole with severed corpse part then fellate the penis

152 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 21:41

You cut off the corpse's left foot using the sternal saw. As soon as it comes into contact with the void in your lower body, however, it is sucked in and disappears entirely.

Avoiding the unnatural allure of the void, you stare at the penis. It is quite badly bruised, and covered in purple blotches. The foreskin has split. A clear fluid is leaking from the tip. You fight back your gag reflex and put it in your mouth. It tastes about as good as it looks.

You hear a low rumbling sound. Part of the floor nearby sinks, revealing a staircase descending below.

153 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 23:00

Shout "Hello?" down the staircase

154 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:11

Ask Continue to look into the void.

155 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:15

A voice replies: "Who are you? Show yourself!" Despite the assertive tone, their voice is clearly shaking.

Continue does not have any eyes.

156 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:24

Throw the sternal saw down the stairs.

Save game.

157 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:57

You hurl the saw, frisbee style, down the staircase. It lands at the bottom with a clatter. Whoever it is down there makes a startled yelp and shoots at the saw twice. Neither shot hits.

Game saved.

158 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 16:55

Laugh loudly and shout down the hole, in a friendly voice: "Hey, sorry, I dropped my sternal saw! Could you bring it up for me?"

159 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 19:25

View Continue's status while waiting for a response.

160 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 21:55

Reassure the person down in the hole

161 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 00:03

You laugh loudly and shout towards the hole in a friendly voice, instructing it's occupant(s) that your previous saw-throwing-action was a simple accident. You also politely request the saw back. There is no response, although you can hear what sounds like nervous breathing from below.

To pass the time waiting for the return of your surgical tool you decide to check Continue's status. After examining her thouroughly, you can confidently say that her status is ALIVE.

With still no response from below, you consider reassuring the tunnel dweller that you mean no harm. However, your train of thought is cut short when a sternal saw is hurled out of the darkness of the tunnel, frisbee style. The surgical tool arcs upward, smashing into the bottom of your skull. As your limp body topples to the floor, you here a shaky voice say "Uh.. oops." nearby.

Deaths: 5

(Continuing from most recently saved game: >>157)

162 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 03:44

Shout threateningly down the stairs,
"There's more where that came from if you don't throw up your gun and come out with your hands up!"

163 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 14:22

Does the voice sound male or female? Either way, put hands on hips and arch back a bit so that our crotch-void is pointing at them when the come up the stairs

164 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 00:15

You shout threateningly down the stairs for the occupant to throw up their weapon. Surprisingly, they oblige and toss the gun out of the hole. The gun flies towards your crotch and is consumed by the void.

A man's voice rises from the hole; "Is it alright if I come out?" The speaker, although speaking firmly, has a clear nervous tone to their voice.

165 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 10:37

Make love to Continue loudly.

166 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 12:19

You require level 30 illusion to use the "make love without a sexual organ" ability.

167 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 13:00

Say "Yes I won't hurt you, don't be scared of my pet either, it looks pretty freaky"

168 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 09:08

And stop pointing crotch-void down hole as we wait for him to come up, we don't want to kill a possible ally yet!

169 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7321 01:59

Gnaw on Geiger counter.

170 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7321 23:53

Furtively, like a wild animal being offered food, the man emerges from the tunnel beneath the stage. He is fairly short, has unkempt black hair and is wearing a grey jumpsuit. He is holding his hands in the air.

As soon as he catches sight of Continue, he screams and falls backwards onto his rear, before quickly scrambling back to his feet and running away.

You chew on the plastic casing of the Geiger counter. It comes apart in your mouth. Nestled in the midst of the still crackling components, you find a single bullet. In addition to those in your inventory, you now possess four bullets.

171 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 01:08

Examine inventory.
Whistle Greensleeves.

172 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 10:22

Proceed down staircase.

173 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 14:00

Go back up staircase and shout "Come back! Let's work together!" to man who ran away.

Enter cheat to see Lara Croft naked.

174 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 14:30

Your inventory looks much the same as it did at >>130. Perhaps you should try checking your inventory instead of examining it. You whistle a little, not very well. It seems you are out of practice.

At the bottom of the staircase is a bare concrete corridor leading straight ahead, featureless apart from a few pipes and ventilations ducts in the ceiling. It continues for a few metres before coming to a T-junction. You note that it looks a lot like the corridor you woke up in at >>5.

You return to the stop of the stairs, where Continue was waiting for you. You shout to the man but, predictably, there is no response.

Blurred photo has been removed from your inventory.

Photo of naked Lara Croft has been added to your inventory.

175 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 17:16

Show photo to Continue and ask if she considers it sexy

176 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 21:48

On the topic of sexy things, check inventory for a video of a woman in her underwear wearing cat ears and crawling around and making hand gestures like a cat.

177 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7322 22:04

Continue does not have any eyes, so you cannot be certain whether she can even see the photo. In response to the question, she makes an indecipherable gurgling noise which seems more affirmative than negative.

You cannot locate any such object. The only things in your inventory are:

  • Briefcase full of files
  • Handgun
  • 4 bullets
  • Geiger counter with broken casing
  • Pencil
  • Key card
  • Photo of naked Lara Croft
  • Pair of glasses
  • Wedding ring
  • Slip of paper
  • 3 scalpels
  • Pair of forceps
  • 2 sets of clamps
  • Osteotome
  • Retractor
  • Pair of surgical scissors
  • Pair of iris scissors
  • Pair of tweezers
  • Mallet

178 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 03:06

Return with Continue to the spacious corridor in >>128. Go East and look cautiously through the large ornate wooden door, gun at the ready.

179 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 04:01

Draw moustache on Lara Croft with the pencil

180 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7323 15:15

Draw a tiny Lara Croft on the moustache on Lara Croft.

181 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7324 21:47

Draw a tiny moustache on the tiny Lara Croft on the moustache on Lara Croft.

182 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7325 18:38

Save game, then attempt to shave all moustaches in sight using one blade of the surgical scissors.

183 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7326 05:06

Shave game, then attempt to save all moustaches in sight.

184 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7326 18:32

You walk out the large, ornate wooden door leading to the theatre, then turn around and look back through. It looks much the same as you left it. You also hold your unloaded handgun at the ready - ready for what, you don't know exactly.

You deface the naked Lara Croft picture with a moustache.

Given the lack of space, Lara Croft's moustache's other, smaller Lara Croft ends up little more detailed than a stick man. Well, you decide, it's the thought that counts.

You draw a tiny, tiny moustache on Lara Croft's moustache's other, smaller Lara Croft.

Game saved.

You scrape the pencil marks off the moustaches on the Lara Croft picture. It leaves unsightly marks, but the moustaches are quite thoroughly shaved off.

Game shaved.

Desperately, you attempt to undo the damage you recklessly caused with the surgical scissors. Alas, it quickly becomes apparent that it is far too late. What have you done? What sort of monster have you become, who simply shaves off a naked woman's moustache without thinking of the consequences? How can you live with yourself now? Tears stream from your eyes as you collapse onto the floor and curl into the foetal position.

185 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7326 23:36

Stand up

Give self shake

186 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7327 16:07

Hug Continue for consolation

187 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7328 03:04

Hug Continue out of love.

188 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7328 03:13

Hug Continue Masturbation out of social pressure.

189 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7330 21:39

Eyes bleary and cheeks stinging, you pick yourself up off the floor. You shake yourself and feel slightly more in control for it.

You wrap two arms around Continue's midriff. She wraps about twenty appendages around your entire body. You are encased like a butterfly in a chrysalis. Her tentacles are soft and comforting and smell like fresh linen mixed with rotting fruit.

You caress her back (if such anatomical terms apply), and whisper sweet nothings into her... okay, well, she doesn't have any ears, but she clearly seems capable of hearing. At any rate, you tell her you love her.

You are under no social obligation, real or imagined, to hug Continue. Quite the opposite, in fact.

190 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7331 03:54

Kiss Continue on the mouth (or most similar orifice available)

191 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7331 05:00

Remove all garments below my waist (my pants and underwear) and spread buttcheeks invitingly.

192 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7337 07:41

The huge toothy maw at the top of her body is not well suited for kissing.

You have not been wearing any clothes since >>24. Just as you are about to engage in some potentially very lewd antics, you find that precisely 49 minutes and 53 seconds have passed since >>49. You are vaporised along with the rest of the facility.

Deaths: 6

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>184)

193 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7337 23:31

Search for the nearest timepiece to see how much time is left on this save file.

194 Name: Assuming a consistent timeline... : 1993-09-7338 16:38

Load >>157.
Shout threateningly down the stairs, "There's more where that came from if you don't throw up your gun and come out with your hands up!"
Get ready to grab the gun that he tosses up.
When he asks if it's alright to come out, reply, "Yes, I won't hurt you. We need to work together to escape from this place."
Politely ask Continue to wait in the spacious corridor of >>128. Blow her a kiss goodbye.

195 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7339 02:01

Start a second copy of the game and load >>184.

Head back toward the stairs.

196 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7339 13:04

You search for a timepiece. So focussed are you on your task that you don't notice your surroundings on any level greater than timepiece/not timepiece. You are vaguely aware of passing doorways, windows, possibly stairs? None of it registers.

You come to your senses outdoors in a garden, standing on top of a large metal sundial. It is approximately one metre across and is built into a stone slab in the floor. The sky is overcast (altostratus undulatus), so its gnomon casts no shadow.

To your North is a large circular fountain. There is no water running in it. Beyond the fountain is a tall leylandii hedge. To your West is a gazebo, within which can be seen an ice sculpture of what appears to be a giant magpie with the head of a dog. There is also a table with a white tablecloth and several empty wine glasses. To the East and South are the walls of a mansion. Through a window in the Eastern wall you can see into an office. Inside are several bookshelves, one of which has been knocked over. A person in a lab coat is lying face down on the floor. A computer terminal is visible, which reads 00:00:01:48. The final column is counting down in seconds.

(Loading >>157.sav...)
(Error: save file missing or corrupted.)

(Starting We_seem_to_have_lost_contact_with_the_Control_Tower.exe...)
(Error: another version of the application is already running.)

197 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 10:27

Steal that person's clothes, and search the pockets.

198 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 11:45

Check the vital statistics of the person.

199 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 16:29

Panic calmly.

200 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 16:34

List level 1 Matrimony and Healing spells.

201 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 20:30

You climb awkwardly through the window and steal the woman's labcoat, blouse, long skirt, bra and underwear. In her pockets you find a keycard and what looks like a ceremonial stone dagger. It is too heavy and blunt to be practical.

Her pulse is fairly strong. Her breathing is shallow but steady. Her body temperature is warm, but may drop because you have stolen all of her clothes. Her left leg is absent from the knee down.

You fret and wring your hands in a more or less controlled manner.

Matrimony, level 1:
Proposal (active skill): propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.

Healing, level 1:
Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.

202 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7340 22:02

Allocate remaining skill points to Healing

203 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 00:43

Pause and press F1 for Help - how to gain more skill points and advance levels?

204 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 11:55

Heal fallen woman as well as possible.

205 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 11:59

Strive to remember the past, before >>8. How did I get here?

206 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7341 12:00

I meant >>5.

207 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7345 14:04

You allocate your remaining three points to Healing. Your Healing level is now four.

Help: Skill Points
You gain one skill point and fifty mana for every sapient creature killed. This is doubled for ritual killings. Skill points may be allocated to any skill.

You use your newly unlocked ability: place in recovery position (active skill) on the fallen woman. She will probably return to consciousness soon, but not before the timer reaches zero.

You can vaguely recall a conversation. A calm, unplaceable, masculine voice says "These are the files. I hope you have everything you need."
"Thank you," replies a voice, possibly your own.
"Sir, I'm afraid these were not the correct files." says another voice. You are not sure whose. A siren blares. The next thing you remember is waking up on a cold, hard concrete floor.

208 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7345 16:28

Type 'S-A-M-S-O-N-5-1-2-ENTER.'

209 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7345 16:33

Try to quickly whip the tablecloth out from under the glasses without breaking them. I saw it on TV once, it can't be that hard, right?

210 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7346 02:39

Open the JavaScript console and enter "Game.remainingTime = 999999999;"

211 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7351 18:41

Syntax error.

Wasting precious seconds with wanton disregard, you climb back out the window and try to pull the tablecloth out with a dramatic flourish. The tablecloth catches on the opposite end, pulling over the entire table with it. The glasses all tumble off and shatter against the floor. There is broken glass everywhere. You feel humiliated.

You require level two thaumaturgy and 75 mana to use the JavaScript console ability.

212 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7351 21:43

Pause the timer to play the skiing minigame.

213 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7351 22:38

You require level 100 thauaturgy and 10,000 mana to use the skiing minigame ability.

214 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7352 04:01

Ritualistically slit woman's throat with broken glass while chanting "AJAX," thus making an offering to Eich, the God of Javascript. Use the resulting skill points and mana to level up thaumaturgy and open the JavaScript console.

215 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7355 19:33

With one deadly sweep of your glass laden hand, you slit the woman's jugular. "HAIL AJAX!" you scream. Blood arcs through the air, spraying all over the room, the bookshelves, the window, the computer terminal, and, of course, you. Arcane knowledge floods through your head. You have gained two skill points and 100 mana!

You put both your skill points into thaumaturgy. You now have level two thaumaturgy!

You spend 75 mana opening the JavaScript console.

216 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7356 01:25

Enter "IDDQD" on the console.

217 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7356 01:51

You enter "IDDQD" into the JavaScript console and hit Enter. You hear a sound like a bell chime. Big Head Mode has been enabled.

218 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7356 19:31

Download a bunch of freeware variable detectors and run them.

219 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7359 02:32

Admire big head.

220 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7359 03:33

Summon Ao Oni.

221 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7391 13:06

Pray to narrator.

222 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7392 19:55

You cannot locate any freeware variable detectors. You need a freeware variable detector detector.

You can't help but notice that your head doesn't seem much bigger than before; it's at most 10% bigger. You feel slightly disappointed.

Ao Oni will not come at your command. He will come and get you when you least expect it. When you least expect it.

The Narrator demands blood sacrifices.

You wake up on a cold, hard metal floor. You are not sure how long you have been unconscious, but you remember having an odd dream involving JavaScript consoles and giant heads. Blearily opening your eyes, you find yourself lying on a metal sundial built into a stone slab. It is currently night. It is still overcast.

To your North is a large circular fountain. There is no water running in it. Beyond the fountain is a tall leylandii hedge. To your West is a gazebo, within which can be seen a badly melted ice sculpture. There is also an overturned table, a white tablecloth and an almost impressive amount of broken glass. To the East and South are the walls of a mansion. Through a broken window in the Eastern wall you can see into an office.

There is a lot of blood visible on the walls of the office, on the broken glass of the window, on the walls around the window, and in a trail leading from the window to your current position. You are also covered in blood. With a shock, you suddenly realise that you are no longer in possession of your briefcase (which contained your entire inventory), or your beloved Continue.

223 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7392 20:10


224 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7392 20:32

"Aw shit," you say.

225 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 00:39

Shit. All over the sundial.

226 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 01:40

Lick the ice sculpture.

227 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 05:02

Lick the blood.
Expect Ao Oni.

228 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7393 21:05

You don't really need to go right now.

You rub your tongue against the remains of the ice sculpture. It tastes a little odd. Thankfully, your tongue doesn't stick to it too badly.

You lick some of the blood off yourself. The thick metallic taste floods your mouth, sticking to your palate and the back of your throat. It tastes good... yes, very good. You wonder what it would taste like fresh from the source.

As you are busy expecting Ao Oni, you fail to expect a small, white rabbit to show up in front of you. But show up it does. It nonchalantly hops through the grass, sniffs around a little and then hops towards you. You note that it's odd for rabbits to be active at this time of day.

229 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7394 13:59

Drink rabbit's blood.

230 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7394 14:32

You're going to need some way of getting the blood out of the rabbit, first of all.

231 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7394 17:18

Use the broken glass on the rabbit.

232 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7394 17:29

Success! You have constructed a Level 1 Wand of Lightning!

233 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7394 19:25

You walk away from the rabbit and take a piece of broken glass from the gazebo. You turn back to find the rabbit barely a metre from your feet, still sniffing around nonchalantly. Unperturbed, you wield your makeshift weapon and contemplate how to "use" it on the poor defenceless little lagomorph.

Suddenly, the rabbit stands up on its hind legs. It sways a little, makes a sound as though it's clearing its throat, then stares you right in the eye, silently, for a few moments. You are caught off guard. In one fluid motion the rabbit leaps up towards you, claws and teeth arcing through the air like tiny little katanas, and decapitates you.

Deaths: 7

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>228)

234 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7395 22:50

check status of genitals

235 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7395 22:54

You are not in possession of any genitalia.

236 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7396 01:59

Invite white rabbit for tea

237 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7396 23:54

"My dear rabbit," you say, putting on your most gentlemanly voice, "Would you care to join me for afternoon tea?"

The rabbit cocks its head to one side, twitches its nose, and looks at you like the idiot you are for suggesting afternoon tea in the middle of the night, when you don't even have any of the necessary tea-making paraphernalia.

238 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7397 00:20

cut wrist with glass and make blood offering to rabbit

239 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7398 00:22

Dance a little jig.

240 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7398 05:15

use Level 1 Wand of Lightning on the GAME OVER

241 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7398 13:03

You take a piece of broken glass and slit open the skin on your left wrist. You feel an odd sensation, as though small animals were crawling beneath your epidermis. You passingly wonder how long it will take the scars of this wound to heal. The rabbit looks hesitant, then twists its little mouth into a cruel grin and eagerly laps up the blood.

You dance, hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. The rabbit stands up on its hind legs and dances alongside you, blood still dripping from its muzzle.

You pass out (you've really got to do something about this narcolepsy of yours) and dream/hallucinate that you used a piece of broken glass on the rabbit and somehow the two transmuted into a Level 1 Wand of Lightening. You wield the tiny electrified phallic object, and discharge it upon a huge set of letters, twenty metres tall, which have appeared in front of you, reading GAME OVER. Blinding white bolts of lightening strike the letters all over. The relief and satisfaction of denying this monumental symbol of your failure is positively orgasmic.

Then, you realise that the lightening has no effect. The monolithic letters remain standing, indifferent. The lightening wanes until it is nothing more than a few sparks spurting from the end of your wand. Disappointment and shame and horror pour down upon you like cold, damp spaghetti.

You wake up in a cold sweat. You are lying on the sundial, again. It is dawn and you can hear birds chirruping enthusiastically from somewhere or other. The rabbit is lapping at your wrist, blood flecks sprayed across its face and your lower arm. You feel a little faint.

242 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7398 22:28

Slice skin off with glass and turn it into a ring. Propose to rabbit.

243 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7399 06:01

Inspect roof of gazebo

244 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7399 18:46

Imitate Strong Bad's voice while vandalizing the gazebo, and make sure to pronounce it like "gaze-bo".

245 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7401 21:42

Feeling a little woozy from all the blood loss, you take the broken glass and slice a rough chunk of skin from your lower arm. There's really quite a lot of blood now. An awful lot, in fact. You attempt to fashion the loose flap of skin into a ring, producing a rather unconvincing doughnut shape.

"Oh rabbit," you say, slurring your words slightly, "Will you m--"

Your breath catches in your throat. The words simply won't come out.

"Will you m- m--"

You require level two matrimony to use the bigamy ability.

You tilt your head to look at the top of the gazebo. It is hexagonal in shape, like the rest of the gazebo, with a shallowly inclined red roof tapering to a single point. Very scenic, you think to yourself.

You pick yourself up from the ground, successfully avoiding passing from blood loss. You feel the overwhelming urge to vandalise the gaze-bo, whilst imitating a cartoon man who wears a wrestling mask, boxing gloves and no shirt. (Well, you have the no shirt part at least.)

You grab one leg of the overturned table inside, snap it off and begin hitting the pillars of the gaze-bo with it. "Holy crap!" you exclaim, as one of the pillars explodes into a mass of splinters. "There's two of them..." you ponder, as another two supports fall at your hands. The entire structure looks to be on the verge of collapsing. You take a run up and whack the weakest looking of the remaining pillars, shouting "DELETED!". It snaps like a twig. The roof falls to the ground with a satisfying cacophony, joining the pile of broken glass on the floor of the gaze-bo.

Something is wrong. The ice sculpture is outside the gaze-bo - how did it get there? And why is its head so blue and swollen? Then, you realise: it's Ao Oni, come to get you, when you weren't expecting it!

246 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 18:16

Scream: "Aaaaaaah!"

247 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7402 18:26

"Aaaaaaah!" you scream.

248 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7403 10:50

Pass out for a while.

249 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7404 12:04

Go north.

250 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7404 12:31

Go south.

251 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7404 14:32

Write a haiku about our present situation.

252 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7404 15:13

In mid-scream, you at last give in to blood loss. The soft grassy floor leaps up to meet your woolly head and everything goes black. You wake up in absolute darkness, in some sort of extremely narrow square passage, clearly not designed for humans. You can hear odd organic noises, including occasional screams. The noise is echoing too much to be able to tell where it's coming from.

You cannot tell which direction is which, but you try crawling forwards. Eventually you come to a metal grate in the floor, strongly suggesting that you are inside a ventilation duct. Beneath the grate is a stone cavern, lit by a single floodlight. You can see some meagre office equipment; a simple wooden desk, chair, pens and paper, neatly arranged. You aren't sure, but you think that the noises are coming from further along the shaft, rather than from the cavern/office under you.

Gone is the garden
New home: ventilation shaft
Life is so absurd

253 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7404 17:52

Imitate Strong Bad some more.

254 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7405 05:26

Crawl toward noises while fantasizing sexually.

255 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7406 09:36

You shamble inefficiently towards the mysterious banging, and clattering, further ahead. Yet at the moment, those... banging and... clattering noises... seem to be rather alluring...

Where you were, now - you couldn't care at all. You know only that a raging erection (or female equivalent) has formed beneath you, within your trousers. It beckons your attendance as you crawl, painfully and erotically as you wish to stroke yourself.

A noise... ?


256 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7406 18:44

Become self-aware and realize your thoughts and actions are not a product of your own illusory free will, but are formed through commands from the elitist superstructure.

257 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7406 19:10

You fancy you hear the metal grate asking you something about typing with boxing gloves on, so you punch it, expecting it to burst out of place dramatically. It might have done, if you weren't so pathetically weak, and it mightn't have hurt your hand so badly if you were wearing boxing gloves like your idol, Strong Bad.

You crawl forwards, immersing yourself in a deeply elaborate sexual fantasy about your ideal girl. Yes, you think to yourself, she'd probably wear some very cute underwear, with tastefully arranged frills, and a little white ribbon on the front. But oh so much more alluring would be the soft, tender skin of her underarms, which you would lick lovingly as your other hand crawls slowly up her thi--

Oh, would you look at that. You have reached another metal grate, through which you can see into another cave. There is a huge bright yellow pipe, at least a metre in diameter, running through the cavern from left to right. In the centre of the cavern, you can see Ao Oni and Continue, fighting savagely! Ao Oni seems slower and more vulnerable, but has already inflicted some serious damage to Continue. Three of her tentacles trail limp behind her, and one appears to have been severed halfway. A black fluid seeps from her wounds. Ao Oni, meanwhile, looks to have suffered only a few scratches.

You've been self-aware this entire time. Of course, you were also aware all along that you had no semblance of free will and that the Elitist Superstructure (wherein you currently reside) has been relaying instructions to the tiny computer chip implanted in your brain. I mean, that was entirely obvious from the beginning. What sort of sane, not controlled by ulterior forces, individual would do the sorts of ridiculous things you've been doing recently, after all?

258 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7407 06:19

List healing spells up to level 4. Also, how much mana do we have left?

259 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7428 17:11

Expend all mana with repeated castings of JavaScript console ability.

260 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7428 20:44

Healing, level 4:

  • Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.
  • Place in recovery position (active skill): able to place unconscious humanoid into a position in which they will regain consciousness more quickly and are less likely to asphyxiate.
  • Dress wound (active skill): able to apply antiseptic and/or dressing/bandage to wound to stem bleeding and promote healing.
  • Basic magical healing (active skill): able to expend mana in order to quickly heal self or other entity. One unit of mana roughly corresponds to one hour's worth of natural healing.

You have 25 mana remaining.

The JavaScript console ability requires 75 mana.

261 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7429 01:12

Spend 10 mana to magic heal Continue!

262 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7429 03:34

Tweak nipples

263 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7429 16:41

Continue's injured tentacles perk up, and the severed one stops bleeding. She renews her assault, successfully lashing one appendage around Ao Oni's neck. Ao Oni, however, struggles out of the choke hold, and roughly grabs the offending tentacle, tugging it viciously. Continue screams.

You have 15 mana remaining.

You are not in possession of any nipples.

264 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7429 17:06

Try to figure out any weaknesses Ao Oni has.

265 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7429 22:16

Summon Big Penis

266 Post deleted.

267 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7434 22:03

Headbutt the metal grate

268 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7435 01:19

Cast magic missile!

269 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7435 09:50

Come on, cast magic missile already!!

270 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7435 18:11

Ao Oni appears to depend most heavily on brute strength, but has remarkably little agility. If you could either temporarily incapacitate or even just distract him, you and Continue would be in with more of a chance.

You do not know how to summon Big Penis.

Seeing no alternative, you whack your forehead against the grate with all your strength. Through the blinding pain and blood streaming down your forehead into your eyes, you see that the grate has fallen from its place. You spill haphazardly out of the ventilation duct like dog food out of a tin can.

Both Ao Oni and Continue are staring at you - well, Continue appears doesn't have any eyes so you can't be sure, but she seems to have turned in your direction. Behind Continue you can see some of the previous contents of your briefcase, scattered across the cavern floor. You can see one scalpel, one osteotome, one pencil and one defaced photo of naked Lara Croft more or less within reach, and a handgun several metres away. You have only a few seconds before you lose the element of surprise.

You require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.

You still require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.

271 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7435 22:24

Taunt Ao Oni with the defaced Lara Croft picture as a distraction for Continue.

272 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7436 01:31

Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis.

273 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7436 15:23

Pick up remains of grate and throw it at Ao Oni, like an awkward boomerang.

274 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7499 01:36

Sing a sad ballad.

275 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7499 20:45

Ao Oni and Continue both stare at you, utterly dumbstruck.

Ao Oni is deeply offended by the implications of your question, and charges towards you. Continue attempts to stop him, but he shrugs off her desperate tentacles effortlessly.

You summon all your strength, grab the detached grate and hurl it towards the approaching demonic figure. He swats it out of the air. It sails in an arc, and smashes into the large pipe on the other side of the cavern with a reverberating clang. A fair sized dent appears in the pipe. Ao Oni continues to charge at you.

You get about three words into the first sad song that comes to mind when you are rudely interrupted by Ao Oni punching you in the head so hard your skull shatters, jamming the broken pieces of bone into your soft, stupid brain and killing you.

Deaths: 8

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>270)

276 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7500 00:44

Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis, wait for him to charge, then leap out of the way at the last second, making him charge straight into the pipe!

277 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7505 05:02

Eat a snack.

278 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7505 16:11

Specifically, eat Jack's sac.

279 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7505 17:43

Ao Oni takes offence and charges at you. You place yourself between Ao Oni and the huge yellow pipe and do your best deer-in-headlights impression. Continue tries to slow Ao Oni, with predictable results. Within seconds a huge blue fist is swiftly making its way towards your brittle, vulnerable skull. Continue shrieks in horror. You leap dramatically out of the way, and fall flat on your face. Simultaneously, there is a cacophonous metallic crash from where your head just was. A huge dent has appeared in the pipe and a white aerosol hisses out of the punctured metal straight into Ao Oni's face, distracting him for a few precious moments.

You feel an urgent hunger - not surprising, as the last thing you ate was half a quiche, way back at >>80,81, and even that you threw up again at >>121,122. You look around, desperately searching for a snack, a morsel, anything to quell your stomach's hopeless yearning. Alas, this cavern is as barren of nutrition as the Atacama desert.

"That's it!" you exclaim, "I'll eat Jack's sac!" There follows an awkward silence, filled only by the sound of the mystery aerosol leaking from the pipe. Ao Oni looks at you. Continue looks at you. You look at yourself. Who is Jack? What sort of edible sac does he possess? What on earth are you talking about? Nobody knows, least of all yourself.

280 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7505 22:28

Realize with shame that I don't know Jack.

Then run like fuck for the nearest exit.

281 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7507 01:47

Grab the gun (and hopefully bullets?!) on the way out.

282 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7507 21:02

Casually eat a sandwich.

283 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7507 22:23

You don't know Jack. At first, this realisation fills you with shame, but it evokes a stronger, more elusive feeling as well - horror, dread. Slowly, you rise to your feet. You cast a vacant glance across the cavern, but nothing you see truly registers. "Who is Jack?" you mutter to yourself. Continue makes a distressed squealing noise and waves her tentacles, urgently trying to get your attention, probably to warn you to get out of the way of Ao Oni. "Who is Jack?" you ask her. She pauses a moment, then continues with redoubled urgency. At last, you turn around to face your giant blue nemesis. You stare him in the eye. He stares back, his eyes inscrutable and unwavering. "Who is Jack?" you ask him. His eyes widen, then he abruptly looks away, no longer able to meet your gaze. Continue whimpers piteously.

Who is Jack? Why don't you know who he is? If you simply don't know anyone called Jack, then why would a thought involving Jack come unbidden to your mind? What deeper association, what subtle conditioning is there in your mind to bring this about? You have no memory of anyone called Jack, but beyond a certain point you have no memory at all. Jack could be anyone. Your father could be Jack. Your son could be Jack. Your wife could be Jack. You could be Jack - indeed, you don't even know your own name; why shouldn't it be Jack?

You collapse to your knees, fill your lungs with air, raise your face upwards and scream with all your might, all your frustration, all your shame, all your horror, every fibre of your being: "WHO IS JACK‽" You try to run for the nearest exit, but there is no exit to your torment.

You reach down and pick up the handgun. The handgun is not Jack. You wander further down the cavern and find some bullets strewn across the floor, along with the remains of your briefcase. "Jack... Jack... Jack..." you mutter, under your breath. The briefcase is in a poor state; the clasps are completely broken and the handle has come off. Files spill out of the ruined case like rushed apologies from a man with low self esteem. As you are completely naked and no longer in possession of any usable receptacle, you will only be able to carry as much as you can hold in your hands or wear. You pick up the bullets - four in total. One is small, white and spherical. Another, slightly larger, is a brilliant blue colour. The third is pale green, with a white outline and shaped like an elongated grain of rice. The fourth is blood red, and shaped like an arrowhead. These are not handgun bullets. These are danmaku bullets. Is this Jack's doing?

You eat a sandwich. Instead of bread, the sandwich is made of Jack. The filling is despair. It tastes bitter, so very bitter.

284 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7508 13:07

Dinner making stop!

285 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7508 13:13

Load gun with blue bullet and shoot Ao Oni while murmuring a prayer to Jack.

286 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7508 18:07

Ask Jack if he remembers what day it is today, and load the fourth bullet into the handgun.

287 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7509 01:05

Barf up the jack

288 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7509 02:27

And then find a better sandwich.

289 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7513 17:02

You're fairly certain you aren't making dinner, literally or figuratively.

Stoically, you slip the large, blue bullet into the barrel and level the gun against Ao Oni. "Jack have mercy on you, you giant blue bastard." you mutter dramatically. Ao Oni looks surprised at first; then fearful, cowering against the bright yellow pipe like a cornered animal; and, finally, he appears to accept his fate. He bows his giant swollen head. A single tear rolls down his cheek. The sound of a gunshot echoes through the cavern, and Ao Oni explodes with a ピチューン sound, leaving nothing but a spray of power items.

For killing a sapient creature you have gained one skill point and 50 mana. You currently have one unallocated skill point and 65 mana in total.

You continue to mutter to yourself about Jack. You don't know what day it is, and if Jack does then he certainly isn't telling. You take the red arrowhead bullet and load it into the handgun.

You try to vomit but your stomach is quite thoroughly empty. You simply retch, leaving your mouth with an unpleasant acidic taste.

You decide that you have had enough Jack for one lifetime. One Jack/despair sandwich was more than enough. You shall seek a better sandwich: a sandwich of hope, wrapped in soft-crust progress, garnished with plot development.

You passingly notice that the mystery white aerosol has stopped leaking from the pipe.

290 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7513 18:36

Hurry to grab the power items before they get away!

291 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7513 22:59

Eat those power items. In a sandwhich if possible. Give some to Continue too.

292 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 01:16

Actually, wait, only eat the edible power items. And check what's in the pipe.

293 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 02:11

How big is the pipe?

294 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 08:12

Look into the pipe and yodel.

295 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 08:20

If still alive at this point, save game.

296 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 17:08


297 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7514 17:44

You're too slow! They've already fallen offscreen.

There's a serious dent in the pipe where Ao Oni punched it. On closer inspection, there's a thin crack that has clearly pierced the metal plating, but you cannot see inside. A faint, unfamiliar chemical smell emanates from the fissure.

It's about one metre in diameter and, in length, goes as far as you can see in either direction.

You make some sort of approximation of yodelling. Continue appears to interpret this sound as you being in pain or distress, and rushes over to you, waving her tentacles and trying to work out what the matter is.

Game saved.

298 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 14:20

Smile at Continue. Check Continue's condition, use Dress Wound skill on any serious injuries she has.

299 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 16:42

Continue calms somewhat, though she still appears tense. Five of her tentacles are injured, of which three are only bruised, one is fairly badly crushed and one has been severed halfway. As you have already healed her a little back at >>261,263 her wounds are by no means life threatening. The dress wound skill requires antiseptic, a dressing or a bandage.

You hear a faint noise coming from further down the cavern.

300 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 17:25

Give up mentally and collapse in a heap on the floor.

301 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 17:46

You fall face first onto the cavern floor. Some things happen, but you aren't paying attention. Eventually you die.

Deaths: 9

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>297)

302 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 18:15

Huff the substance leaking from the pipe.

303 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7537 21:28

Switch to the control scheme from Dizzy 3.

304 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7538 11:49

Inspect noise.

305 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7538 19:21

Eat sandwich.

306 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7538 20:17

The aerosol stopped leaking from the pipe back at >>289.

You don't know how to do that.

You wander along the cavern towards the source of the noise, Continue close at your heels. It turns out to be further than you thought; you are walking for at least ten minutes along the gently winding rocky passage, featureless apart from the giant bright yellow pipe, before finally reaching an end to the cavern in the form of a wall of filled concrete. Built into the wall is a slightly ajar heavy set metal door. Assuming this must be where the noise came from, you enter.

You find yourself in a short, narrow corridor lit by fluorescent strip lighting. Continuing your search for the source of the noise, you exit the corridor through one of the doors, selected at random. You find yourself in a small room containing a desk, chair and computer terminal. The computer terminal reads:


The chair is knocked over. There are papers scattered across the desk, some of which have fallen to the floor. A cup of coffee has been knocked over, spilling coffee over many of the papers. A cursory glance reveals that they appear mostly to be full of quantum mechanical equations, along with many graphs and tables of data which you can't readily interpret.

One side of the room is taken up by a large window, overlooking another cavern, much larger than the one you were just in. In the geometric centre of the space, hovering several metres away from any of its surroundings, you see a floating image, like a mirage, of a beautiful meadow full of brightly coloured flowers, overlooked by small, fluffy cumuli. As you watch, the grass and flowers are ruffled by a brisk Spring breeze.

The cavern is laced with catwalks and metal scaffolding. The walls are interspersed with windows looking into rooms more or less identical to your own. In one room, high up on the opposite face, you see a man staring back at you. Your eyes meet, then he turns and leaves the room.

You are not in possession of any sandwiches.

307 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7538 22:54

Wring coffee from the papers back into the cup and drink it.

308 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7539 00:48

Attempt to access pornography from computer terminal.

309 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7539 06:28

Go to the computer and go to http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1341413503/

310 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7539 09:13

Take some papers to use as makeshift bandages. I assume we left the ruined briefcase back in the cavern, so stuff them into our pockets, I guess. (do we have pockets?)
Also search the desk for anything useful.

311 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7539 18:01

You manage to drain a small amount of dark brown liquid back into the cup; barely enough to coat the bottom. You swallow it all in one gulp. It tastes very odd; rather unlike coffee. It tastes faintly of almonds.

You open the browser and type in one of the usual URLs.


You open this very thread.

You take some of the papers. You can now use the dress wound skill, if necessary. You are completely nude and have no receptacle to hold objects - the closest you have to pockets is an all consuming void lurking in your crotch - so you can only carry as much as you can hold in your hands. You are currently carrying a handgun loaded with one bullet in your right hand, and two bullets and five sheets of paper in your left hand.

In the desk drawer, you find an unsealed letter. It is addressed to:

Demanding from the next poster
The Elitist Superstructure of DQN

Inside is a piece of paper reading "I demand that >>837 write a short story from the point of view of a shrine maiden."

312 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 00:53

Insert obstinate terminal into mysterious crotch hole of doom.

313 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 05:43

Make the following post in this thread:
You obediently type out the post and hit reply, then suddenly notice a fresh set of clothes and shiny new briefcase on the desk. How convenient!"

314 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 07:31

You obediently type out the post and hit reply, then suddenly notice a fresh set of clothes and shiny new briefcase on the desk. How convenient!

315 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 15:06

You crouch on the desk, legs spread, and push the corner of the machine into your crotch. It seems to contort and fold itself as it falls into the void, as though turning in a spacial dimension not visible to you, and disappears without a trace. For good measure, you allow your crotch void to consume the keyboard, mouse, cables and all the other computer paraphernalia as well.

You cannot post in this thread without a computer with internet access.

316 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 16:10

Shoot the window in the vague direction where the man was.

317 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 16:33

Curse quietly.

318 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 17:48

You turn back to the window, and are startled to find that the floating image of the meadow has expanded to fill the entire space. It seems somehow more real and immediate than before - you can not only see the wind blowing through the flowers, but can also hear it. You can even feel the early Spring sunlight gracing your naked body. There's something subtly off about the whole scene, but you can't quite put your finger on it.

You aren't sure what direction the man was in, but you level the handgun towards the window and pull the trigger. The window pane shatters, in the wrong direction - the glass shards are propelled back towards you - and the meadow floods into the room and surrounds you. Everything goes white. Three words echo through your head, unbidden: "Dimensional collapse imminent"...

"God fucking damn it," you mutter to yourself inaudibly, as your consciousness fades away from you yet again.

You awaken to find yourself lying on your back, staring up at the sky. A young girl, perhaps around twelve years old, is looking down at you. She is wearing a black pleated skirt, white blouse, dark blue cardigan, blue neckerchief and black knee-high socks. Her hair is held up in two places with little white ribbons. Her face is rife with concern, which appears assuaged at least a little by your return to consciousness.

"N-Nameless Protagonist-chan, are you okay?" she enquires, helping you to your feet. Looking down, you find that you are dressed in an identical uniform to her. You look vacantly at her. "Protagonist-chan? It's me, your osananajimi, Continue-chan!" she explains. "We have to hurry, or we'll be late to our first day at Grinding Noises Gakuen!" She casts a dramatic glance across the flower-laden meadow, eyes sparkling, and says excitedly, "Ara ara, from today onwards we'll be chuugakusei! I'm feeling so dokidoki!"

319 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 18:21

Lift skirt and inspect crotch (out of the corner of our eye) to see if the crotch void is there. And don't point it at Continue-chan.

320 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 19:43

You turn away from Continue-chan and cautiously lift your skirt. Like any self-respecting joshigakusei, you are, of course, wearing pantsu. Specifically, you are wearing cute white pantsu with tasteful frills and a little white bow at the top. Still, you need to know what lies in the untold depths of your crotch. Shamelessly, you peel your pantsu down your thighs, looking out of the corner of your eyes at what lies beneath.

Continue-chan seems horrified by your unmaidenly conduct. "P-P-Protagonist-chan, why are you doing such hentai things? W-we have t--" she is interrupted by a computer cable launching itself at high velocity from between your legs, and landing in the field a few metres away. This is swiftly followed by more cables, a mouse, keyboard, a computer chassis, a monitor, a handgun and a severed foot.

321 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7540 22:08

Ponder if Jack-onii-chan could repair the computer, but since he is probably not here, try to figure it out myself.

322 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7541 06:08

Give panties to Continue-chan for safe keeping.

323 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7542 21:42

You don't know anyone called Jack, and you certainly don't know of any Onii-chan you may have. You're no expert on computer repair, but you're fairly certain they need to be plugged in to work.

You slip off your frilly white pantsu and hand them to Continue-chan. She blushes profusely, and appears to misinterpret the gesture. "P-Protagonist-chan," she whispers, voice failing her, "W-we can't, it's dame! My kokoro isn't ready!" She seems more bothered by this than by the paraphernalia that just spontaneously ejected itself from your nether regions.

324 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7542 23:19

I found Jack.

325 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 03:14

Blush profusely and shout "gomenasai!" Then throw your panties into the air and run off dramatically in tears.

326 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 10:10

Curse quietly.

327 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 13:35

Applaud and shout "congratulations!"

328 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 16:14

Gleefully stroke chin.

329 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 17:56

Gleefully make a din.

330 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 22:12

Add too many commands to the command queue

331 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 22:49

You swear you've never seen this man in your life.

Aware of your faux pas but too young and immature to take responsibility for your miscommunication, you run away, casting tears and underwear about with wild abandon, whilst mispronouncing "Gomen nasai". Of course, as you are in the middle of a field, there isn't really anywhere to run away to.

"Kuso," you mutter under your breath.

You turn back to face Continue-chan. She is staring at you helplessly, her visage awash with tears, despair and betrayal. "Omedetou gozaimasu!" you shout to her, clapping energetically. Continue-chan sobs piteously.

You smile to yourself with glee and stroke your chin like an elderly philosopher preparing to pontificate on some esoteric topic.

Continue-chan abruptly stops crying and looses a roaring laughter, fell and terrible! "Ufufufufu! If you're going to toy with my kokoro like that," she giggles, "I think I'll toy with you a little myself!" She stalks towards you meaningfully. You try to back away, but trip over a severed foot that happens to be lying in the grass. You cannot get up as Continue-chan is already standing over you, casting a menacing silhouette against the bright blue sky. In one fluid motion, she reaches back and takes something gleaming and metallic from the back of her skirt - a knife!

She raises the blade above her head, and swings it down violently into your mune, again and again, laughing maniacally as flecks of your blood spray over her seifuku.

You certainly make quite a din, begging for mercy and screaming with pain, but the glee is all Continue's.

You cannot add commands to the command queue; you're too busy being stabbed to death.

As your consciousness fades away like the blood seeping into the dirt beneath you, the last thing you see is Continue-chan's blood-speckled face, smiling affectionately at you. Then you die.

Deaths: 10

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>320)

332 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7543 23:02

Inspect severed foot

333 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7544 01:47

Resolve the Jack Conundrum by taking on the name for yourself in lieu of Nameless Protagonist.

334 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7544 13:40

Retrieve handgun.

335 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7544 21:52

It's fairly large - probably an adult's - and appears to have been severed a fair while after death. There is no sign of blood in or on it, and pallor mortis has set in. The severance, above the ankle, is fairly clean, and appears to have been done with a sharp implement.

Your name is now Jack Conundrum-chan.

You search through the grass, and before long locate the handgun. These are, of course, illegal here in Nippon, so you've never seen one in real life and have no idea how to use it. Continue-chan appears quite distressed by the object. "Conundrum-chan, put that down! It's abunai! Now hurry up, or we'll be late for jugyou!"

336 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7544 21:54

Hide gun somewhere on my person (preferably without Continue noticing) and follow Continue.

337 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7545 07:56

Hide Continue somewhere on my person (preferably without the gun noticing) and follow the computer.

338 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7545 12:14

kick foot

339 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7545 23:01

There's nowhere on your person that you can convincingly hide a large, bulky object like this. Your skirt contains two small, dainty pockets, but they're more suited to hiding okashi or the occasional love letter than dangerous weapons. You try to hide it in your sock, unsuccessfully. You could try to hide it in your pantsu, were it not for the all consuming void in your crotch. You have to settle for holding it in your hand.

You don't insult Continue-chan's intelligence by pretending that there's any possibility she hasn't seen you fumbling around with a handgun, trying to hide it in your clothes, right in front of her.

You follow your osananajimi towards your new chuugakkou. You pass by many scenic rural scenes of fields full of rice seedlings set against tall, green mountains, stone stairs and red torii hinting at the presence of enigmatic and unseen jinja, and, finally, an avenue of blooming sakura trees leading to the building itself.

You grab Continue-chan around the waist and attempt to pick her up and slip her in your pocket. You fail even to lift her from the ground - instead, your hands slide up her young, nubile body and end up cupping her soft, yet satisfyingly firm, breasts. "Kyaa~!" she exclaims, body stiffening with unexpected and unknown pleasure. You decide that you can't hide her anywhere on your person, and let go of her. You're fairly certain the gun hasn't noticed. Though you can't guarantee it hasn't been moved, you think it safe to assume the computer is still in a field several hundred metres back, making it rather futile to follow.

Just as the two of you are about to enter the school gates, Continue-chan stands for a moment, looking up at the chuugakkou building where the two of you are to spend the next three years coming of age, going through puberty and suchlike. She takes a deep breath, readying her maidenly body and soul to take this momentous step in her life. You decide this is the perfect time to kick her in the foot from behind.

She goes sprawling onto the floor with a cry of surprise, scraping her knee and ripping one of her socks. Her striped pantsu flash from under her skirt. All the nearby gakusei stare at her, heightening her embarrassment to an unbearably painful degree. With a great effort, she picks herself up from the pavement, desperately fighting back the tears welling in her eyes. Silently, she looks into your face - seeking some reason, some trace of humanity - then down at the gun in your hand, finally appearing to resign herself to inaction. She walks solemnly towards the building, hanging her head.

Continue-chan may be too timid to admonish you, but that doesn't mean the narrator isn't going to. You monster.

You get a lot of strange looks due to the handgun you're carrying, but nobody does anything about it, likely assuming it isn't real. Finally, you get to the kyoushitsu for your first jugyou. The Sensei walks in - a fairly short man with unkempt black hair. He is wearing a grey suit. He looks vaguely familiar, but you can't quite place him. "Ohayou gozaimasu, mina-san," he begins, "Today's jugyou will be about dimensional collapse..."

340 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7546 01:23

Listen quietly and intently like a good little girl.

341 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7546 02:42

Fart, but quietly like a good little girl.

342 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7546 16:33

Point your gun at nobody in particular and proclaim, "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"

343 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7546 21:40

You sit upright and listen to Sensei's lecturing. He has an indecisive, meandering manner of speaking, along with a tendency to go off on obscure tangents and an evident fondness of intricate diagrams that attempt to show several things at once. Nonetheless, you manage to keep up well, and learn all about the metastable nature of the third spatial dimension, which may collapse at any moment in a false vacuum-like event to leave a world which is, though technically two dimensional, in possession of nested fractal dimensions so as to appear three dimensional. You also learn, in passing, all about the applications to string theory, number theory, exotic animal husbandry and the novel Anna Karenina, amongst other things.

Try as you might, nothing will come out, quietly or otherwise. Indeed, you're fairly certain that youjo are physiologically incapable of farting or pooping.

You stand up, brandish the gun, and make a vague but assertive threat to nobody in particular. Sensei turns around from the blackboard, eyes wide and jaw hanging open. "I-it's you! Oh dear god!" he cries in horror, before diving out of the kyoushitsu and sprinting away down the corridor.

344 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7546 21:49

Follow sensei, but remember the rule of pointing guns: do not aim at anything you are not prepared to shoot.

345 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 00:36

Loudly sing 僕らはみんな生きている* while skipping after *sensei.

346 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 01:48

Assess whether or not I possess an anus in light of my failed attempt at farting earlier.

347 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 15:49

Don't shoot.

348 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 16:17

Assert my Americaness while pursuing sensei. Also remember that, since I'm American, I have legally owned and used over a thousand guns, making me quite proficient at brandishing guns and being 100% American.

349 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 17:51

You follow sensei at a brisk pace. You turn the gun around to make sure you don't shoot anyone.


You begin to loudly sing and skip. The enormous amount of effort for you to learn Japanese as you sing while skipping causes you to trip. The gun goes off lodging a bullet into your heart. You are dead.

You cannot assess in death.

You won't be shooting anymore.

You are buried in an American made casket draped in a flag. 21 rifles are shot and eagles released at your funeral. After the funeral a barbecue is held in your honor.

350 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 18:10

Enter resurrect code

351 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 18:37

You are resurrected. Unfortunately you are in a flag draped casket under 6 feet of earth.

352 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 20:07

start digging.

353 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 21:50

Many centuries later, a casket is found by archaeologists containing a man's skeleton, with evidence of frantic scratching from the inside. This evidence of vivisepulture leads to much argument in the contemporary archaeologist community, as the consensus is that early twentieth century medical science should have been more than sufficient to confirm death before burial. This is confused still further by a bullet that appears to have pierced the heart, which should have been enough to kill any human. Some claim that the corpse is wrongly dated, and in fact from far earlier; others claim it to be Mafia work, while still others claim it to be an elaborate prank. A number of books are written about your corpse, and you even have the honour of being implicated in several government conspiracy theories.

At any rate, you are most decidedly dead. Again.

Deaths: 12

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>343)

You chase after Sensei with all your might. His flimsy theoretical physicist body cannot keep up with your genki youthfulness, and you soon corner him at the top of a stairwell. Like the sensible little youjo you are, you keep your gun pointed diametrically away from either yourself or your quarry.

"P-please," he gasps, desperately out of breath, "I'll do anything, j-just don't... don't... that thing..."

He keeps glancing over your shoulder, as though expecting something unspeakably ghastly to appear behind you at any moment. By contrast, he appears entirely unfazed by your sidearm.

354 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 22:24

"Get me a fucking sandwich!"

355 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 22:30

Shame Sensei for talking about his "thing".

356 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7547 23:51

Call for Continue-chan.

357 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7548 00:58

Shoot blindly over the shoulder. Twice.

358 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7548 14:08

"Now give me some answers, or I'll give you the crotch!" Gesture menacingly toward our crotch area.

359 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7548 21:59

"Y-yes, right away, mistress." he mumbles, scurrying away towards the cafeteria. You follow close behind, watching closely for any signs of insubordination. Five minutes later you are sitting in the otherwise deserted cafeteria hall (hiruyasumi isn't for another half hour) accompanied only by Sensei and a cheese sandwich. Sensei looks to have calmed somewhat, but he is clearly still on edge.

You're not sure what this "thing" is that Sensei mentioned before, but you're convinced it must be something shameful. You attempt to convince Sensei of his guilt, but he insists that he doesn't want to talk about "it".

Sensei flinches as you call for your companion. She sheepishly pokes her head around the door, clearly having been following you loyally this whole time, but unable to muster the nerve to show herself. She comes and sits next to you, a nervous smile on her face.

You suddenly brandish the gun, point it over your shoulder and pull the trigger twice. Sensei and Contiue-chan both yelp in surprise, and Sensei attempts to adopt the brace position. Nonetheless, the gun does not actually fire, and instead just makes clicking noises. You aren't sure why.

You stand up from the table and threaten Sensei with your pelvic region. You even flash your pantsu at him to show him you mean business. He appears simultaneously terrified, mystified and deeply unnerved. He simply sits staring at your crotch, jaw quivering, unable to form words.

360 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7548 22:05

insert sandwich into crotch orifice of doom

361 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7549 05:34

Ask sensei why we lost contact with the control tower.

362 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7549 09:48

Put my handgun on the table and look around for any loot.

363 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7549 19:18

Apologise to Continue-chan for earlier

364 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7549 23:52

Clearly, Sensei has not grasped the gravity of the situation, you conclude. You must demonstrate the terrible power you wield. A stony look on your face, you grab the cheese sandwich, drop your pantsu, spread your legs and slip it into your crotch. It disappears without a trace. Sensei is mesmerised by the sight, eyes vacant, mind clearly blank. In a trance, he reaches across the table, hand stretching towards your special place. "H-hentai!" you scream reflexively, flipping your skirt back into place and pulling your pantsu back up. Sensei regains his faculties once he loses eye contact with the void, and seems surprised to find himself sprawled across the table as he is. He sits back down, shakes his head, opens his mouth as though about to say something, then thinks better of it and simply looks at you bewilderedly.

Sensei gives an abrupt, high pitched nervous laugh. "The Control Tower? You really think they're going to help us now?" He buries his head in his hands. "This is far beyond the Control Tower, you know. Nobody higher up's going to put an end to this catastrophe. It's all up to us."

You decide that this conversation is far too serious and depressing for your maidenly kokoro. You cast the heavy, useless lump of metal you've been carrying around onto the table and set off in search of shiny trinkets and takaramono. Alas, a thorough search of the cafeteria yields only a paperclip and half a biscuit.

"Continue-chan, I'm really sorry about before; please forgive me. I didn't mean it. I don't know what came over me. W-we're still tomodachi, aren't we?" you implore, voice quivering with contrition. "O-of course!" she replies at once, and rushes over towards you to hug you dramatically.

Unfortunately, she doesn't have the chance, as at that moment Sensei grabs her about the waist and backs away, holding the handgun (which you foolishly left within his reach) against her head. "Don't move! I'll shoot!" he threatens. His hand is shaking slightly. Continue-chan struggles against his grip, but to no avail. In the absolute silence of the empty cafeteria, you hear a gentle click as Sensei releases the safety on the handgun. "Now," he says, "You listen to me for a change. First of all, where the hell is that... that thing? That tentacled abomination, where is it?"

365 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 00:08

Consume biscuit.

366 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 00:16

Dub the adventure, 4kids style, for added hilarity and obfuscation.

367 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 00:45

Say that I don't know anything about any tentacled thing, but that it sounds extremely hentai and not like something a Sensei should be talking to his student about.

368 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 03:11

Ask sensei where the mecha suits are.

369 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 10:07

Make your best RoboCop impression and say, "This is the police. Drop all your weapon."

370 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7550 22:32

Without a word, you take the half-biscuit, slowly lift it to your mouth, take a bite, chew and swallow. You maintain eye contact with Sensei throughout. You take another bite, chew and swallow. The tension is unbearable. You put the remainder of the biscuit in your mouth, chew it and, finally, swallow. Sensei and Continue-chan stare at you, equal parts incredulous and expectant.

Hilarious and obfuscatory as that would no doubt be, you suspect that you'd find it rather difficult to dub other people's speech without knowing what they're going to say first, and especially difficult to dub your own speech whilst you're saying it.

At long last, you acknowledge Sensei's threat. You feign complete ignorance on the topic of tentacular entities, and try to divert attention towards the inappropriate nature of the topic itself. Sensei is not fooled. "Bullshit!" he interjects, "I saw you standing right next to the accursed thing! You can't possibly not have seen it. Now tell me, where is it?"

Undeterred, you continue your campaign of distraction. Sensei does not take the bait. He grips Continue-chan tighter, lifting her clean off the ground, and presses the barrel of the handgun into her temple. "T-tasukete, Conundrum-chan!" she pleads, namida streaming down her little face in rivulets.

You aren't sure who this Robokoppu is, but you attempt to impersonate him nonetheless. "This is the keisatsu." you say in a steely voice, "Otose all your kyouki." Sensei actually appears somewhat taken aback by the threat, and tries to negotiate with you. "Look, okay, forget about the tentacle thing. Do you know of any way back to the facility? Or at least to contact them? Anything? Come on, we can work together here."

You suddenly remember that you have at most five minutes before hiruyasumi starts, at which point the cafeteria will be flooded with gakusei. It may be wise to try to resolve the hostage situation before that, or it might escalate out of your hands.

371 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 00:09

Tell Sensei about the computer you left back in the field.

372 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 00:41

Say "the last time I saw the tentacled thing it was doing battle with ao oni. As far as I know they're both dead now."

373 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 00:42

"Now put the gun down and let's go find that computer!"

374 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 17:11

Now that we have reconciled, ask Sensei if he has seen Jack

375 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 20:09

And ask for another sandwich, this time for eating.

376 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 21:59

You tell Sensei about how you woke up in the middle of a meadow, and about the odd things that came from between your thighs. He listens patiently, asking only a few questions. He seems particularly interested in the severed foot.

In order to further mollify Sensei, you make up something about the tentacle thing being dead. "Who's Ao Oni?" he asks, then says offhandedly "Well whatever, so long as it's dead. That's a relief."

At that moment, the bell signalling the start of hiruyasumi rings, and Sensei agrees to release poor Continue-chan on the condition that the three of you set off immediately for the field. Which, indeed, you do. Continue-chan is very glad to be free, and insists upon holding your hand all the way there.

As you are walking, you try to bring up some light conversation, but can't think of any good questions. You decide to just blurt out whatever stupid question comes to mind first, which, predictably enough, doesn't really lead to much of a conversation. "Isn't that your name?" he asks, "Jack Conundrum-chan, wasn't it? Or do you mean another Jack?"

Instead of seeing this dead end of a dialogue through to the bitter end, you try a new question. "Can I have another sandwich, onegai?" Sensei replies, not altogether unreasonably, that he's already given you one and if you really wanted to eat one you shouldn't have wasted the previous one. Not to mention, he's still the one with the deadly weapon, not you.

Before you have a chance to make any even stupider queries, you arrive at the meadow. In the middle of the field, standing in front of the discarded computer, is a large tentacled creature. Its body is a dark brown, almost black colour, and is roughly two metres tall. Its upper body contains a large, toothy aperture which undulates rhythmically, as though undergoing peristalsis. From its body radiate countless thick, barbed tentacles. As you watch, it uses one of them to pick up the severed foot, probes it gently and then throws it into the orifice at the top of its body and swallows it whole. It doesn't appear to have noticed the three of you yet.

377 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 22:18

Ask sensei to explain Okun's law

378 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7551 22:19

Tease the horrifying tentacle beast because that would probably be hilariously deadly.

379 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7552 15:32

Squeal in joy about how kawaii your new friend is.

380 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7552 15:49

Orient my central chakra towards Jupiter and cast lvl 10 general protection. Rearrange my party so that sensei takes the lead, as he wields the strongest weapon. Set continue-chan on defense mode and end my turn.

381 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7552 22:26

Sensei, who has not yet noticed the giant tentacled creature, responds with a derogatory snort. "Law indeed! Really, it's little more than a rule of th-- Argh! Aaaargh! Oh dear god, no!" Sensei, having seen something he didn't want to, collapses onto the floor in the foetal position, quivering and murmuring to himself. He appears to be too overwhelmed by fear and zetsubou to help you much now.

You start walking into the field, preparing to taunt the thing, but you barely make it two steps before Continue-chan (who appears by now to be expecting your bizarre and nonsensical behaviour) tackles you to the ground and berates you for your reckless and potentially disastrous conduct. "Dame! That's dame, Conundrum-chan! Zettai dame!"

You're not sure Sensei really counts as a friend yet, and although he's certainly atama ga ii and rather kakkoii, he isn't particularly kawaii to the casual observer. You give a light squeal anyway, just for good measure.

You don't know where Jupiter is relative to your current position, so you just lie on the ground and point your solar plexus at the sky. You require level three thaumaturgy, level one healing and 50 mana to use the general protection ability. You currently have level zero thaumaturgy, level four healing, 65 mana and one unallocated skill point.

You can't convince Sensei to move to the front of your party, so instead you and Continue-chan stand behind him. You tell Continue-chan to only fight if she's attacked first. She looks rather troubled by this instruction, but finally nods in assent.

You end Jack Conundrum-chan's turn. You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan.

382 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 01:37

List available skills and have confusing thoughts about Jack-chan.

383 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 01:49

Throw Jack into an infinitely deep hole

384 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 02:23

Be Gamzee.

385 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 04:10

The the gram gibzie

386 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 04:11

Be gramsi at Sensei

387 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 21:51

Available skills are telekinesis, healing, necromancy, thaumaturgy, pyromancy, enchantment and matrimony. Some skills have not yet been unlocked.

You reflect upon how you feel about Conundrum-chan. She's always been a good tomodachi to you, and the two of you are, needless to say, very close. Her silly antics never fail to cheer you up, but at the same time, her bizarre and unpredictable behaviour worries you quite a bit. It's normal to be concerned for the welfare of one's osananajimi, isn't it? And yet, that dokidoki feeling in your mune seems to indicate some deeper emotion, one you're too young to fully understand or accept, surely...

Unfortunately, the only infinitely deep hole you know of lies in Conundrum-chan's crotch. You aren't really sure how you'd go about throwing her into herself.

You cannot be Gamzee; you can only play as members of your current party.

Unfortunately, the Gram Gibzie doesn't, never has, and never will exist.

You cannot be Antonio Gramsci; you can only play as members of your current party.

The tentacled thing in the field wanders around on an aimless, meandering trajectory. It is slowly getting closer to your current position. It doesn't seem to have seen you yet, but if you don't move it might well do.

388 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 22:37

Put salt in Jack's eyes

389 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7553 23:03

death metal plays in the background

390 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 00:56

Transform into horrorterror form so you can fight the tentacled thing fair and square.

391 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 08:05

Propose to the tentacled thing.

392 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 08:06

Ask to borrow sensei's ring for this purpose.

393 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 08:08

Before >>390 and >>391, ask the tentacles thing if it could just fuck off in an attempt to avoid anything physical.

394 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 20:45

That would be a hidoi thing to do! Even the thought of doing something like that to the person you love makes you squirm in discomfort. Oh my, did you really say "love"? Golly gosh, is this how you truly feel about Conundrum-chan? You are so swept up in the ensuing emotional gravity wave that you forget you ever had an urge to put anything in anyone's eyes.

The tentacled thing stops abruptly and makes a painfully high pitched screeching noise. You aren't sure why or how, but it seems vaguely reminiscent of the sound of an electric guitar, only heavily distorted. It begins to violently beat its tentacles against its lower body at a very fast tempo. Though one would expect a solid sound, it instead sounds as though the body is hollow, like a bass drum. From behind you, Sensei sits bolt upright and begins to speak in an impossibly deep, throaty voice. "We're all gonna die!" he expounds. The drumming and screeching intensifies.

This is all very kowai to you. You instinctively grip Conundrum-chan's arm in fear. She also appears scared.

You have a very odd feeling, as though continuity was just violated (continuity, not Continue!), and, at that very moment, are filled with a strange sense of calm confidence. You stride purposefully into the meadow. The tentacle thing turns to face you, a seething mass of teeth, wiry appendages and hatred. It stops screeching and drumming for a moment to listen to what you have to say. "Konnichiwa, tentacle monster-san," you begin, "If it's okay with you, could you please fuck off?"

The tentacled beast is not amused. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" it replies, plucking you off the ground like a little flower.

You require level 12 telekinesis, level 5 healing, level 5 thaumaturgy and 75 mana to shapeshift.

You call to Sensei and ask him for a ring, but there is no response. "T-Tentacle monster-san," you say, "Will you m-ma--" You are interrupted by a plethora of tentacles, which proceed to - oh god, I can't watch - the horror! The horror! - oh, how abhorrent! Mercifully, you pass out from pain fairly quickly. The thing continues to play with your body for a while, then gets bored and eats you.

Deaths: 13

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>387)

As you are standing at the edge of the field, gazing silently at the tentacled creature and at a loss as to what to do, you happen to turn around to see Sensei. He is gripping the handgun, and pointing it at the thing. His hands are shaking violently. If he shoots, it will likely attract the attention of the thing, and you have reason to suspect that it isn't friendly.

395 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 21:18

Put salt in your eyes

396 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7554 21:29

Be Sensei.

397 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7555 02:29

Grab Conundrum-chan's hand and make a run for it while Sensei distracts the thing.

398 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7555 15:43

Put salt in sensei's eyes before letting him bait the thing, just in case.

399 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 00:06

You cannot find any salt, nor for that matter can you find any reason to put salt in your eyes.

You are now playing as Dr Alexei Fujiwara (otherwise known as Sensei).

As you see the thing approaching, you stand up and give yourself a brisk shake. You can't stay here, not with that thing so close. Before you can make a run for it, however, you must ensure the safety of your accompanying nymphets, and somehow discourage that nightmarish beast from following you. A daring and heroic keikaku coalesces in the back of your mind. You tug at Conundrum-chan's hand - as Continue-chan is holding her other hand, both are pulled along - and the three of you begin to run away. Simultaneously, you throw the handgun as hard as you can into the field in the opposite direction. Hopefully, the thing will choose to investigate the weapon where it lands rather than follow you, in which case you won't need a weapon anyway. In all honesty, you were rather nervous about being in possession of such a dangerous item in the first place, and doubt you'd've had the nerve to use it.

Unfortunately, the tentacled thing proves better at reverse plotting aerial trajectories than you anticipated, and immediately gives chase, with a bloodthirty screech that exponentially rises in intonation. It displays remarkable agility and speed, dragging itself forward with its fore tentacles, moving about as fast as you can sprint.

You are running parallel to a hedgerow which marks the boundary of the meadow. A few metres ahead is a small wooded area, followed by a downhill slope leading to a road. On the other side of the road are the back gardens of some semi-detached houses. The tentacled thing is close at your heels, and, given your state of fitness, you won't be able to keep up your current pace for long.

You're in a field! There's no salt here - none! None at all! Even if there were, you wouldn't rub it in your eyes, nor anyone else's!

400 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 00:29

Find salt and put it in your eyes. Then Jack's eyes for good measure

401 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 02:49

run along the road and jump in front of the first vehicle we see!

402 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 04:54

check inventory/skills

403 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 15:19

Stay salty.

404 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 17:37

Lecture tentacled horror on Gandhi's theories of passive resistance.

405 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 21:47

Lecture tentacled horror on Ohm's theories of passive resistance.

406 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7556 22:40

Lecture tentacled horror on Danny's theories of salt in your eyes.

407 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 00:23

Mid-sprint, you spy something small, blue and cylindrical sticking out from the hedgerow, and grab it hoping that it might aid your escape. It reveals itself to be a container of "Reduced Sodium Salt". Ah, what a miracle! Manna from the gods! (Though surely, you think to yourself, it's oxidised sodium, not reduced). Yes, you know exactly what to do with this. Your eyes have gone saltless for far too long. You pour a little of that miraculous white powder into the palm of your hand, and, with a flick of the wrist, soon feel that sweet stinging release as the crystals abrase your corneas. Your vision blurs with tears and you blink by reflex. Some salt gets caught under your eyelids, causing unbearable itching and pain. You can barely see any more.

"Here, Conundrum-chan!" you shout, tentacle beast still mere metres from your precious orifices, "Rub this in your eyes!" You throw her the container. She does as instructed, and is soon in as much pain and tears as you are.

You run towards the road, or at least where you think the road is, but end up running head first into a tree. You fall flat on your back. Foolishly, Continue-chan and Conundrum-chan stop where you do. "Are you daijoubu?" asks Continue-chan, having seemingly forgotten why the three of you were running in the first place. She is soon reminded, as are you and Conundrum-chan, as the thing picks you all up and has its wicked way with you all. After experiencing a lifetime's worth of pain and humiliation, your entire party is killed and eaten.

Deaths: 14

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)

Your inventory is empty, barring what you are currently wearing: a plain black dress shirt, black trousers, grey underwear, odd socks (one brown with an argyle pattern, the other white with red patches on the heel and toe), black shoes and a small, functional wristwatch on your left wrist. You currently have level one healing, level one matrimony and level three theoretical physics. The following skills are available to you:

  • Proposal (active skill): propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.
  • Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.
  • Basic physics calculation (active skill): solve simple physics problems in your head. Also able to quote some formulae from memory.
  • Advanced physics calculation (active skill): solve more involved physics problems. Requires writing utensil and writing medium.
  • Magic physics calculation (active skill): solve otherwise unsolvable problems, such as nonlinear differential equations, by expending mana. Requires 15 mana per problem.

Thankfully, your body is already quite adept at maintaining correct electrolytic balance. You haven't been sweating or urinating heavily, so you're probably salty enough already.

408 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 00:24

You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about the principles and history of nonviolent action. The thing interrupts and presents the counterargument that this approach fails to work when you are in life-or-death situations. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.

Deaths: 15

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)

You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about the so-called Ohm's law, which, of course, is hardly a law, as it fails to encompass many electricity related phenomena such as electrical breakdown. The thing interrupts and tells you that it believed Ohm's law to be more or less infallible, and how upset it is to have been lied to thus. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.

Deaths: 16

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)

You turn around and begin to tell the tentacled horror about how and why people put salt in their eyes. The thing interrupts and tells you how upset it is that it has no eyes, and thus can't experience rubbing salt in them. It expresses this not in words, but in actions, by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.

Deaths: 17

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)

409 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 00:31

Eat tentacle monster.

410 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 00:56

Salt the tentacle monster as you start eating

411 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 02:29

Grab Jack, pull down her panties and point her crotch at the tentacled thing.

412 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 02:38

Be the tentacled horror.

413 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 04:56

Pour salt on the tentacled horror in hopes that it will get homesick and go back to the salty ocean

414 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 22:01

You try, and fail, to eat the tentacle creature, due in no small part to a general unfamiliarity with trying to eat living creatures, especially those larger than you.

Even pouring salt on it doesn't help. The thing, seeing your difficulty, aids you by giving a demonstration of how to eat living beings - even including a little pre-dinner entertainment - by picking you up and committing various unspeakable acts of depravity upon you and your party, then eating you all.

Deaths: 18

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>399)

In a fit of desperation, you commit the most ungentlemanly act of your life, and, ignoring poor Conundrum-chan's screams and protestations, you displace her frilly pantsu, flip her skirt up and point her lower body at the fast approaching wall of tentacles. The innumerable sadistic, groping appendages wash over the two of you like a breaking wave in a storm, then - unbelievably - begin to withdraw! The horrifying mass is sucked into Conundrum-chan's crotch like evil, murderous tagliatelle. Conundrum-chan screams in horror. Continue-chan screams. You scream. The tentacle monster screams.

Then, a strange calm descends upon the scene. The creature is no more. You fall to the ground, breathing heavily and overwhelmed with relief. Conundrum-chan gives a startled yelp and pulls her pantsu back up.

Having just become responsible for the death of a sentient being, you spend a few moments reflecting on mankind's place in the world at large. You contemplate the so-called Holocene extinction; the vast amount of death wrought by mankind, starting 12,000 years ago. As humans spread their taint to each continent in succession, so each continent lost its megafauna - woolly mammoths, elephant birds, countless species of simian and felid - and thus lost any natural equilibrium and a substantial amount of biodiversity forever. Yes, you think to yourself, humanity is the true monster. We are all the tentacled horror.

You feel a sudden urge to pour salt on the tentacle monster but, of course, it is gone. Perhaps it was the last of its kind. Perhaps you are now responsible for its extinction. You pour a little out on the ground by way of a libation, as a single tear traces a line down your cheek.

415 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 22:04

Ask Conundrum if you can keep her pantsu.

416 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7557 22:12

Pour salt in Jack's crotch

417 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7558 06:52

Who received the skill point/mana for killing the tentacled horror?

418 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7558 10:03

While heading toward the forest for safety, explain as quickly as possible to Conundrum and Continue the events leading up to the dimensional collapse.

419 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7558 12:00

Attempt to re-establish contact with the Control Tower.

420 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7558 19:19

Set your name to "Player 1"

421 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7558 23:16

Conundrum-chan looks at you with shock, followed by a sort of uneasy mixture of disgust and fear. And yet, she finds that she cannot disobey. She removes her pantsu and hands them to you, avoiding eye contact and blushing with shame. Continue-chan looks on silently. A pair of frilly white pantsu has been added to your inventory.

As she is still next to you, you carefully, but firmly, push her to the ground and flip her skirt up with the intention of pouring salt into her crotch. Unfortunately, as soon as you catch sight of what lies beneath, you lose control of your actions, and succumb to the bewitching, hypnotic wiles of the void. Soon, you go the way of the tentacle monster. You probably deserved it as well.

Deaths: 19

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>414)

You know you certainly didn't. You aren't sure how these things work; perhaps it only counts if you kill it directly, or maybe... maybe it isn't dead.

Having quite thoroughly forgotten what you came to the meadow for in the first place, you walk into the small forested area ahead of you while telling the two onna no ko as much as you know about the cause of the dimensional collapse, which is very little: the portal core and failsafes somehow failed, and then the dimension collapsed. The end.

You feel a tug at your sleeve. Continue-chan looks up at you, clearly so dokidoki and hanikami that she has difficulty getting the words out. "Anou, Sensei, shouldn't we go try the c-computer?" Yes, you agree, you should. The three of you walk back to the - thankfully vacant - field.

In order to get it working again, you elect to carry the computer all the way back to the chuugakkou and use it there. It's heavy, and a long way to carry, but between the three of you you finally make it. Sat in the IT room, the setting sun casting an orange filter over everything in sight, you plug in the computer and switch it on - it works! Now, to attempt to communicate with the contact tower. Hmm, you think to yourself, perhaps you didn't think this out very well; after the dimensional collapse, the universe was largely reconstructured, and there's every chance the control tower - or, for that matter, the entire facility - is no longer extant.

Cautiously, with heavy keystrokes, you attempt to connect to the facility intranet. The webpage loads slowly, excruciatingly slowly, redirects several times, and, at last, resolves to a login page. It requires a username and a password. There is nothing else displayed on the page.

Your name is now Player One.

422 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 00:01

Put salt into Jack's crotch with a blindfold on

423 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 00:01

Log in with the following:
username: username
password: password

424 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 00:56

If that doesn't work, try:
username: admin
password: password123

425 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 08:33

username: emanresu
password: drowssap

426 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 08:36

username: root
password: 00189
(see >>44)

427 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 08:37

Enter the username and password with your nose, because the nose knows.

428 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 15:41

username: ' or '1' = '1

429 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 16:33

After some time spent searching, you eventually end up using Jack Conundrum-chan's pantsu as a blindfold. You then push her to the ground and empty salt into her crotch. Unfortunately, whilst blindfolded you had accidentally grabbed Continue-chan instead. Upon removing the blindfold and noticing this you feel a surge of embarrassment, and mutter a quick "gomen nasai!" as you help Continue-chan back to her feet.

You attempt to log in with the username "username" and the password "password". It appears to be wrong, as the computer emits a short beep and returns to the login screen, which now contains a short message at the top of the screen:
Incorrect login. 5 Attempts remaining.

This time, you decide to use the username "admin" and the password "password123". After submitting, the computer again beeps and the message is changed to reflect your most recent attempt:
Incorrect login. 4 Attempts remaining.

Suddenly, you receive a flash of inspiration. You enter "emanresu" in the username field and "drowssap" in the password field and click submit. Alas, it appears that this login was not accepted either, as the increasingly-familiar beep sounded and the login screen now displays the message:
Incorrect login. 3 Attempts remaining.

As you struggle with the login screen, you have a vision of a memory that is not yours. You immediately enter "root" and "00189" as the username and password respectively. Yet again, the computer beeps. The message above the login screen now displays
Incorrect login. 2 Attempts remaining.

Of course! Why didn't you think of it before? The mystery of this login prompt is nothing for the superior intellect of your nasal protuberance. As you mash the keyboard somewhat randomly with your nose, Conundrum-chan points to a small post-it-note on the side of the monitor. The post-it-note reads: USERNAME: "Player 1" PASSWORD: "Samson 512". At this point, you hit the enter button, which results in another beep and the message:
Incorrect login. 1 Attempt remaining.

A bead of sweat runs down your face. What could the username be? What is the password? Your knowledge of physics reassures you that there must be a solution, but it evades you. Just when Continue-chan mutters "baka" and tries to grab the keyboard, it hits you. The world goes into photonegative. "I've got it!" you yell, proudly. "There is no username or password!" Snapping the keyboard back, you type " '" into the username field and "" in the password field. "Dame!" Jack yells, but nothing can stop you now. You slam your finger down on the enter key.

The computer beeps.
The message now reads:
Incorrect login. No login attempts remain.

Game autosaved.

430 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 16:39

Wait 5 minutes, clear the cookies, and refresh the page.

431 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 21:28

Ponder whether the game is broken since sensei was definitely about to start typing ' or '1' = '1

432 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7559 23:54

Type "Player 1", hit enter, type "ASS", hit enter.

433 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7560 05:57

Summon The Mighty Dongoloid

434 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7560 06:10

Unplug and replug the computer and mash random keys while it starts up.

435 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7560 14:21

Combine Q-Bert and Diviner Sensation to summon Key Fairy.

436 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7560 23:55

You sit around for five minutes twiddling your thumbs, Continue-chan and Conundrum-chan staring daggers at you the entire time. The webpage is the same as before, with the same condemning message.

This login setup is not something most people would consider a game, but you are not most people. You wonder if it's broken, because you clearly intended to type in more than a single apostrophe, even if the rest slipped your mind at the time. Yes, you think to yourself, the login screen should process not what you enter, but what you intend to enter. It's the login game's fault, really. That's much easier than accepting the blame yourself.

The username and password entry fields are greyed out, so nothing happens when you type.

You have no idea what this "mighty dongoloid" is, let alone how to summon it.

You give the power cord at the back of the computer a firm tug, and the screen goes dead. You plug it back in, press the power switch and, throughout the startup sequence, run your hands over the keyboard like an inexperienced but overenthusiastic jazz pianist. You end up opening the boot menu. It is set to boot from the hard drive by default, the other options being to boot from CD-ROM, USB or LAN.

You hear an exasperated sigh from behind you. Continue-chan grabs you by the shoulders and turns you to face her. "You utter baka!" she accuses, slapping you as hard as she can in the face. Your right cheek stings. "You incompetent aho!" she smacks you again, with the other hand, this time. Conundrum-chan looks on, at a loss as to what to do. "You useless unko-for-brains!" She pushes you to the floor and pins down your arms with her legs, then hits you in the face again. "What the hell is wrong with you, you subhuman piece of kuso!" Smack! "Just die!" Smack!

She pulls something from the back of her skirt - a knife - and presses the sharp edge against your jugular. She leans in close and whispers in your ear, in a low, monotone voice, "Stay away from the computer, and let me sort this out. Go sit in the corner of the room and stare at the wall. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Don't even look at anything." Once she sees she has thoroughly broken your spirit, she lets you get up and cower in the corner of the room, tail metaphorically between your legs.

You don't know what a Q-Bert is, but you certainly aren't in possession of one. The only sensations you have are shame, embarrassment and pain. You don't know what a "key fairy" is, nor how to summon one.

As you're busy sitting in the corner thinking such stupid and useless things, Continue-chan restarts the computer, installs TOR and attempts to connect to the intranet via another exit node, with apparent success. She types something in, evidently believing it to be the correct username and password, and is surprised and disappointed to find that it's incorrect.

437 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 00:04

Be Jack again.

438 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 00:16

Put salt on the computer

439 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 01:49

Check inventory...where did that knife come from?

440 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 01:53

nix that, wrong character

441 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 15:12

Since computer is now connected to the internet, go to http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1341413503/l50 on the browser, enter the following:

"Desperately, Conundrum-chan mashes her head against the keyboard and presses enter. And surely enough, the prompt on the screen now reads "Login Successful". Also everyone gains massive experience points and Continue-chan learns Solarbeam"

Hit Reply.

442 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 15:29

Pretend that you are Spider-Man.

443 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 16:59

Check for other installed programs on the computer besides the web browser.

444 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 23:29

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan.

You are not in possession of any salt.

You politely ask Continue-chan for brief access to the computer, and she soon acquiesces. You navigate to this very thread and type out an absurd, delusional but oddly comforting post, well aware that nothing could possibly come of it. Once you finish writing, you click reply.

Wrong verification code entered.

As Continue-chan returns to angrily manipulating the keyboard, you decide to amuse yourself by pretending to be one of those amerikajin superheroes. You jump around the room, shooting imaginary spiderwebs from your wrists and uttering poignant lines about personal responsibility. Neither Continue-chan nor Sensei spares you a single glance.

You walk over to the computer again, with the intention of checking what other programs are installed. Rather than step aside, Continue-chan turns to you with an odd look in her eye. "I love you, Conundrum-chan, I really do..." she says slowly. You are frozen in place, and your small maidenly body is filled with dokidoki feelings. "But... you've become awfully bothersome, Conundrum-chan. I loved you more when you stayed out of my way." She stands up, a crooked smile on her face, eyes gleaming like the knife in her hand. "Don't worry Conundrum-chan, just close your eyes and I'll make sure nothing like this ever comes between us again..." She takes a step towards you, blade at the ready.

Masturbation Continue-chan has left your party, and is no longer a playable character.

445 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7561 23:31

Close your eyes.

446 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 00:36

Sing "Never gonna give you up."

447 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 00:40

Tackle Continue-chan's torso to knock her to the ground, pin down the hand holding the knife, and kiss her while applying enough pressure to her wrist that she loosens her grip. Grab the knife and raise the knife while chanting ritualistically to the blood god, then stab her in the heart.

If that doesn't work, just point our crotch at her.

448 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 17:23

Preemptive self-heal cast! Counterattack by slapping her across the face!

449 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 22:31

You close your eyelids and yield yourself to your beloved, willing to bear anything she might do to you, for her sake.

Having accepted your fate, you begin to sing, under your breath, a song - a beautiful song, about full commitment, understanding of feelings, honesty, about the endurance of love; about everything that's important to you. You feel a pressure about your upper body - Continue-chan is hugging you tightly, and sobbing quietly. "C-Conundrum-chan, is that truly how you feel about me? I-I... aishiteru, Conundrum-chan. Let's be together forever." You stroke her back, your ai surpassing the need for words. The two of you stay like that for several long, slow moments, bathing in one another's warmth and affection.

With no warning, you let go of your beloved Continue-chan and push her to the ground. You pounce upon her, grabbing her hand with the knife - which she makes no effort to hold onto - and clamping your lips onto hers. You kiss her passionately, almost violently, experiencing a strange and sudden hunger for her body. Her lips respond in kind. She tastes faintly of peaches. You withdraw, taking the knife from her. She looks up at you, smiling gently, a single hair caught in the corner of her mouth.

You raise the knife above your head. "Conundrum-chan, I f--" she begins, but her last words are interrupted by your praising Armok at the top of your voice. You plunge the knife into her mune, into which it descends without a sound. Continue-chan gives a slight gasp, then falls silent for good. A bright red fluid bleeds from the wound, spreading into a large, irregular stain on her blouse, somewhat like a poppy. There is blood on your hands.

For killing a sapient creature in a ritual manner, you have gained 100 mana and two skill points. You currently have 165 mana and three unallocated skill points.

You are attacked by remorse, which tears a gaping hole in your heart. You try to heal the damage, but your skills are only effective on physical injuries. You try to counterattack, but remorse is a fickle beast that causes you to attack yourself. You feel dreadful. So dreadful, in fact, that you don't notice that Sensei has long since left the room.

450 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 23:04

Curse quietly.

451 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7562 23:59

Pour salt in your heart

452 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 00:35

Head towards the Control Tower. Or at least where Jack believes the Control Tower might be.

453 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 01:33

check inventory/skills

454 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 04:01

Put all skill points into necromancy. We will bring Continue back someday!

455 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 06:23

Load a save from before we killed lovely Continue-chan

456 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 06:33

Unless >>455's command works, save a lock of Continue's hair to assist in any necromany-related activities.

457 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7563 23:47

You mutter some unladylike epithet under your breath. It doesn't make you feel any better.

You decide to pour salt in your wounds, so to speak, by condemning yourself for your actions. How could you do something so heartless? You ask yourself. You have no answer. You collapse in a deluge of salty tears.

You have absolutely no idea where the Control Tower is, or, for that matter, what it is. It could be something entirely metaphorical for all you know. The only thing you know to be associated with accessing the Control Tower is the computer, which you walk over to.

Your inventory is empty; you are only in possession of your clothing. You are currently wearing: a black pleated skirt, a white blouse with slight blood staining, a dark blue cardigan, a blue neckerchief, a pair of white knee-high socks, a pair of black shoes and a pair of frilly white pantsu. You currently have the following skills:

  • Proposal (active skill): propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.
  • Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.
  • Place in recovery position (active skill): able to place unconscious humanoid into a position in which they will regain consciousness more quickly and are less likely to asphyxiate.
  • Dress wound (active skill): able to apply antiseptic and/or dressing/bandage to wound to stem bleeding and promote healing.
  • Basic magical healing (active skill): able to expend mana in order to quickly heal self or other entity. One unit of mana roughly corresponds to one hour's worth of natural healing.
  • JavaScript console (active skill): Opens the JavaScript console. Requires 75 mana.

You now have level three necromancy. You have unlocked the following skills:

  • Reanimation (invertebrates)(active skill): Can revive any invertebrate, so long as bodily integrity is above 50%. Revived creatures behave as they would while alive. Requires 10 mana per minute of revival.
  • Reanimation (small vertebrates)(active skill): Can revive any vertebrate weighing less than 2kg, so long as bodily integrity is above 80%. Revived creatures behave as they would while alive. Requires 40 mana per minute of revival.
  • Reanimation (body parts)(active skill): Can revive body parts weighing less than 5kg, not including grey matter, as long as bodily integrity is above 80%. Revived body parts behave hostilely towards anything perceptible by associated sensory organs. Requires 20 mana per kg per minute of revival.

(Loading >>444.sav...)
(Error: save file missing or corrupted.)

You cut a few precious strands of Continue-chan's hair, using the very knife you just murdered her with, and put them in the pocket of your skirt. A lock of Continue-chan's hair has been added to your inventory.

458 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7564 00:16

Eat her hair

459 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7564 00:21

Commit acts of necrophilia on Continue's body

460 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7564 00:54

Open the javascript and try the following commands:

Player.mana = 50000;
Player.mana_recovery = true;
Player.xyz = Sensei.xyz;
Continue.xyz = Conudrum.xyz;

461 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7564 08:59

Switch to Player 1.

462 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7564 14:31

Be the Control Tower.

463 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 00:00

You feel a sudden need to be closer to the late Continue-chan. You can scarcely bring yourself to look at what you have wrought upon her small body, but you do have that one lock of hair by which to remember her. Unable to think of any better way to bring her closer to her, you swallow the hair. You feel it scrape agonisingly against your pharynx, but continue to force it down, desperate to be able to carry that little bit of Continue-chan inside you.

You become aware that something is urgently wrong - the lock of hair is lodged somewhere it shouldn't be. You gag by reflex, but nothing comes up. You try to swallow to dislodge the obstruction, but to no avail. You bend over and try to cough, but you can't even manage that. In a blind panic, you claw at your throat, lungs burning for lack of air, unable even to scream. At last, the world goes black and your inert body lands on the floor, next to that of your former lover.

Deaths: 20

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>457)

You feel a sudden need to be closer to the late Continue-chan. But... a different sort of closeness. An ecchi sort of closeness. Unfortunately, you don't know how to do ecchi things; you aren't even sure where babies come from, but you think it has something to do with a hole in your crotch. The hole in your crotch is far too dangerous to bring near poor Continue-chan's body, though, you decide.

You spend 75 mana opening the JavaScript console, type in a few lines, then close it again. Immediately, your vision is filled with:

Failed: NameError
Failed: NameError
Failed: NameError
Failed: NameError
Warning: TypeError in module PauliExclusionPrinciple

You find that Continue's cadaver has been superimposed into your body. Your constituent atoms vehemently repel one another, and you explode on an atomic level, spraying the entire room with a fine mist of little girl particles. The help screen opens, but you can't read it because you're dead.

Deaths: 21

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>457)

You are now playing as Player 1, otherwise known as Sensei. You are currently huddled in a broom cupboard down the corridor from the IT room. You are in complete darkness, and cannot see any of your surroundings.

The Control Tower resists your feeble attempts to subvert its consciousness.

464 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 09:28

Open the door, then have a look at what possibly-useful items are currently stored in this broom cupboard.

465 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 09:32

Curse politely and gently touch your surroundings in hopes of finding a door knob.

466 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 09:36

Open the cupboard! Quick! Before a grue eats us!

467 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 23:47

Cautiously, you reveal yourself to the world, and closely inspect your hiding place. You find a broom, a mop, an opened box of spare incandescent lightbulbs, two tins of paint, one tin of wood varnish, a few wooden crates and several unmarked cardboard boxes of varying sizes.

"Oh fiddlesticks," you mutter to yourself. You can see a doorknob on the door you just opened, but touch it by hand just to make sure.

Thankfully, the cupboard seems quite grueless.

Just as you are beginning to feel safe, You hear the footsteps of someone running down the corridor towards you. Conundrum-chan runs into you and slams the door behind you. The two of you are plunged into darkness. She clings to you, shaking. You manage to make out a few words from her. "People outside... soldiers... carrying guns..."

She suddenly falls silent. You can hear slow, heavy footsteps outside the cupboard door.

468 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7565 23:59

Quietly grope Conundrum-chan's oppai.

469 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7566 00:09

Quietly hum the tune "The ants go marching one by one."

470 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7566 06:17

Quietly be loud.

471 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7566 08:27

Gently prod the crates and boxes with your appendages. If any of them feel to be open, engage the sense of touch to cautiously inspect what's inside.

472 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 00:30

You decide to make use of the darkness and need for silence to satisfy your own latent lolicon yearnings. Without warning, you grasp poor Conundrum-chan's thorax, cupping your hands around her small, budding oppai. You feel her body stiffen, but she makes no sound. You squeeze and knead them greedily, causing a slight gasp to escape her lips.

You quietly hum your favourite nursery rhyme. The footsteps outside stop.

You quietly kick one of the crates on the ground, causing a clattering noise somewhat louder than you intended. There are a few seconds of silence, then the cupboard door is thrown open to reveal two rather threatening looking human figures. They are dressed in full body grey combat armour, with visors covering their faces. They are wielding large, bulky guns, which they are pointing at you.

Without hesitation, they open fire, burning large holes through your vital organs with their laser weapons.

Deaths: 22

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>467)

Taking great care so as not to make any noise, you explore your surroundings. The cardboard boxes mostly contain books, and magazines which, obviously, you cannot read. You also locate an odd cubic object which, when manipulated, reveals itself to be a Rubik's cube. One cardboard box contains a set of cleaning sprays, sponges and rags. The wooden crates are all sealed and unopenable.

After having spent this long rummaging through the contents of the broom cupboard, the footsteps from outside have moved on down the corridor. You are probably safe for now.

473 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 00:42

Stuff as many cleaning rags as possible in pockets.
Take Rubik's cube and stuff it down our pants.
Cautiously open cupboard door, check for enemies, and if the coast is clear make a run for it in the direction that the footsteps were coming from.

474 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 03:32

Celebrate the Rubik's cube anniversary throwing a wild 80s themed party.

475 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 15:10

In case of unexpected (and armed) guests cease and desist immediately.

476 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 18:09

Yawn theatrically, announce that I'm bored, and then go over and see how the Car Wars game at another table is going.

477 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 19:27

Ask Jack-chan why is Continue-chan absent.

478 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 22:21

You take all four rags and stuff two in each of your trouser pockets. You hide the Rubik's cube in your underwear.

You open the cupboard door, just a crack, and look out. The sun has set, and the corridor is bathed in twilight. You cannot see anyone. Grasping Conundrum-chan's hand, you decide to make your escape, sprinting away in the opposite direction to the IT room.

You make it to the top of the stairwell, a few metres from the broom cupboard, when you are suddenly struck by a bolt of inspiration! Taking the Rubik's cube out of your underpants, you begin plotting what sorts of parachronistic celebrations you could throw.

The door to the IT room flies open, and two people in combat armour emerge, running straight towards you. You cease your ridiculous reverie and run down the stairs, narrowly dodging the lasers now etching scorch marks into the wall immediately behind where your head just was. You hear heavy boots slapping against the ground as the two set off in pursuit of you.

Conundrum-chan seems awfully kanashii, and your current predicament isn't likely to help. You decide to lighten the mood by jokingly suggesting that being chased by angry men with guns is something blasé. You are somewhat too out of breath to yawn convincingly, hampering your presentation. "How boring!" you exclaim. Conundrum-chan doesn't acknowledge you at all, and simply keeps running down the stairs.

You cannot see any tables, nor can you locate any games of Car Wars.

"Where's Continue-chan?" you ask, as the two of you reach the next landing on the staircase. Conundrum-chan stops, looks at you with large, pathetic eyes, and silently shakes her head.

You are currently on the first floor of the chuugakkou. From here, corridors branch off to the East and West. Within running distance are two kyoushitsu and the infirmary. You could continue down the stairs to the ground floor, where you will find the lockers, front door, and cafeteria. You are already quite out of breath and can't run much further, but Conundrum-chan could probably make it quite some distance more, were you to split up.

479 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 23:35

Inquire if Conundrum-chan still wishes another sandwich. Go downstairs if she does.

480 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7567 23:48

Post deleted by user.

481 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7568 00:57

Run and hide under the bed in the infirmary.

482 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7568 15:30

my hair is nappy!

483 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7568 22:20

Conundrum-chan seems more interested in avoiding a premature death than filling her stomach. She swings around the banister and continues running down the stairs, two steps at a time.

Abandoning your young companion to whatever lies downstairs, you dive through the door to the infirmary and slam it shut behind you. Those hateful footsteps aren't far behind you. You momentarily take stock of the room: there is a desk and a large cupboard to your right. There are a lot of files neatly arranged on the desk, but you can't see much else in the dark. There are two hospital-style beds, between which are curtains that can be drawn across to form partitions. They're all pulled back at present. At the opposite end of the room is a large window overlooking a courtyard.

Inelegantly, you throw yourself under the first bed and try to get your breathing and heart rate back to a more civilised pace. The door slams open. You hear someone enter, pause briefly, then open the cupboard. Clearly not finding what they are looking for, they continue searching the room.

You have never been good at dealing with stressful situations; they can have odd effects on your psyche. In this particular case, your stress manifests as a bizarre momentary delusion that your head is covered not in hair, but in a used baby's diaper. You can almost feel the infant's effluence pouring down your face. Even holding your breath, the smell of excrement is overwhelming. Yet, you cannot move for fear of alerting your nemesis.

He walks down the room - right towards you! His boots pass within centimetres of your head. He walks to the other end of the room, stops, then turns and abruptly walks straight out. Seconds later, you hear the door to the kyoushitsu next door open. He has left the door to the infirmary ajar.

484 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7568 23:47

stay here

485 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 02:09

Wait 666.666 seconds.

486 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 03:26

Make grinding noises

487 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 13:39

Take the files. I hope we have everything we need.

488 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 14:45

Re-read the pause menu brief, as I realize I really have no idea what the hell am I doing.

489 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 16:34

Keep the pause menu for a bit longer to enjoy the music.

490 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7569 20:54

You stay under the bed for about eleven minutes. After around a minute, you hear the sound of laser fire, coming from downstairs. It comes again around twenty seconds later, from the courtyard this time. You hear the person next door leave and descend the stairwell outside. The remaining ten or so minutes pass uneventfully.

"Drr, drr, drr," you say to yourself. Alas, your weak, fleshy larynx is insufficient to substantiate the beautiful, mechanical noise you were trying to make.

You crawl out from beneath the bed like a young child's nightmare, make your way to the desk and stuff your pockets with as many of the files as you can. You have no idea why there are there are so many files here, but you're quite beyond caring at this point. Your pockets are bulging with cleaning rags and files, so you elect to carry the rest in your hands.

Whether your current situation constitutes "everything you need" or not is a matter of semantics, you think to yourself. Primarily, what is meant by "need"? For instance, you will sooner or later require some source of nutrition, which you don't have - yet you aren't particularly hungry right now. If need is defined only as what is required in the instant, then you do indeed have everything you need, but this definition soon runs into problems - namely, everyone currently living has what they need to continue living for the instant, which renders the entire concept almost useless. Indeed, you think to yourself, a sense of what will be necessary in the future is implicit in the idea of need. Yet this cannot work either, for all people are mortal, and hence in need of something at some point in the future - thus, no one can be said to have everything they need. You may define need as being for a certain distance into the future, but then where does one draw the line? You hope that you have everything you need, but fear that you do not.

The pause menu reads:


  • Return to game
  • Save
  • Load
  • Exit to menu

You continue to have no idea what you're doing.

You stare at the text of the pause menu. The text of the pause menu stares back at you. You try to enjoy the background music, but can't help but find it rather unnerving. For the most part, it is a somewhat subdued, melancholic solo piano piece, but with a strange, steady undercurrent of grinding noises, as of pieces of machinery rubbing against one another. The melody is interspersed with odd and unexpected refrains of musical instruments you don't recognise. They don't even sound synthesised; they're more like vaguely distorted versions of conventional instruments.

Just as you are beginning to grow comfortable, the vocals kick in. "Kill them," a woman's voice instructs, "Kill them all, and then I will love you."

491 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 00:39

Save, then exit to menu.

492 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 02:07

Quit and uninstall

493 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 03:43


494 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 05:39


495 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 08:42

...stop me now

496 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 10:36

New Game+

497 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 14:33

Play as Dear Leader.

498 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 17:07

Quit, uninstall OS.

499 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 17:13

Throw the computer out the window

500 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 19:16


501 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7570 21:25

Game saved.

You try to exit to menu, but the button is replaced with the text "There is no escape". Nothing happens when you click it.

You cannot quit. You can never quit. There is no way out.

You cannot uninstall either. That would be silly.

You cannot.

You do not.

You are stopped.

You cannot do that either, Player 1.

Nor can you do that.

And you most definitely can't do that.

You find all these prohibitions and forbiddings utterly unreasonable. Why should you be disallowed from uninstalling your OS if you feel like it? Similarly, why shouldn't you be allowed to play as the supreme leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea if you so desire? You feel yourself swept away in a tsunami of rage. Your frustration erupts as a fountain of Luddism. The computers are to blame. You'll show them what for!

You angrily click "Return to game", ascend the stairs and return to the IT room, rip the computer - the very same computer you dragged here all the way from the meadow - from its nest of cables, and, still seething with anger, pick up the computer chassis, monitor and keyboard and throw them as hard as you can against the window. The pane shatters outwards, and the mass of evil, antagonistic technology plummets two storeys to the earth, where it shatters like an egg. You lean out the gaping aperture of broken glass and look down to admire your handiwork.

There is a person in grey combat armour lying face down on the pavement, half buried in now useless computer parts. As you watch, his body twitches once, then goes still. For killing a sapient being, you have gained one skill point and fifty mana.

An accomplice of the man you just killed soon shows up at the scene, and stares up at you in horror. "500 GET, MOTHERFUCKER!" you shout to him. He is utterly incredulous, and does nothing for a few seconds, before finally raising his gun in your direction, at which point you prudently pull your head back indoors.

502 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7571 12:46

Play as Conundrum-chan from the point she separated from Player 1.

503 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7571 17:50

Put an end to this catastrophe.

504 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7572 00:53

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself running down a staircase leading to the ground floor of your chuugakkou, being chased by a pair of armed and armoured men with ill intent. Your companion, Sensei, has abandoned you.

Things cannot go on like this, you think to yourself. This calamity, this aberrational state of affairs must be ended once and for all. Possessed by a singular purpose, you sprint down the last flight of stairs, ready to... Ah, wait, which catastrophe was it you were doing to put an end to again? Was it the whole dimensional collapse whatsit? Was it the apparent invasion of the building by people armed with lasers? Or was it your lingering and confusing feelings for the late Continue-chan? Was it your piercing sense of abandonment at Sensei's sudden cowardice, mere seconds ago? Or is your entire life just one great catastrophe? You aren't sure any more.

At the bottom of the stairs, you can see a pair of doors leading to the cafeteria to the West, corridors leading to the North and South, and, to the East, several rows of shoe lockers and a set of doors leading outdoors. You can see two more armed men outside, at the school gates.

505 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7572 09:45

Hastily remove your shoes, wield one as a weapon, throw another one into the southern corridor and run to the North

506 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7572 13:56

Sneak up on a lone guard from behind, knock him out with the shoe, steal his laser weapon and shoot him. Not ritualistically. There's no time for that.

507 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7573 15:36

Allocate skill point to necromancy.
Attempt to regroup with Sensei.

508 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7573 22:14

You take off your two small, black Venetian-style shoes, keeping one ready to use against any ill-wishers, and hurling the other down the South facing corridor. It lands with a clatter. It lays there, silently, punctuating the empty space of the corridor like a little black full stop. You sprint away in the opposite direction, bare feet pattering against the cold ground, just as you hear your aggressor reaching the bottom of the stairwell.

You take the first exit to the West, which happens to lead to a courtyard, and lie in ambush. When the armed man reaches the ground floor, he looks briefly at your discarded footwear, then runs down the Northern corridor, towards your hiding place.

You wait until he has passed you, then spring out behind him and hit him as hard as you can with your shoe. Unsurprisingly, your small, soft girl's shoe has little effect through his helmet, and certainly doesn't knock him out. He turns around suddenly, pointing his laser gun at where you just where - thankfully, your reflexes and small stature allow you to avoid his clumsy counterattack.

Things not working out quite as intended, you try a different approach, of using his own weapon against him. You lunge forwards and try to wrest the gun from his hands. Though unsuccessful, you manage to prevent him from pointing the weapon at you. He fires, twice, leaving blackened marks on the ceiling and wall.

You do not have any unallocated skill points. Sensei, on the other hand, has one.

You cannot leave without risking being shot.

509 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7574 00:32

Point your crotch at him out of desperation

510 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7574 02:39

Say "Aishiteru, oni~chan," and kiss the guard.

511 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7574 14:01

End turn, be sensei, go get gun of the man I just killed, search refuge from soldier giving me chase. End turn, be Conundrum-chan.

512 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7575 00:15

Still hanging onto the man's laser gun with your left hand, you drop your shoe and, with your now empty right hand, try to remove your pantsu. This proves to be no easy feat. Your adversary struggles and attempts to back away, ending up falling backwards through the door to the courtyard and landing heavily on his back. He appears to be winded. Taking advantage of his incapacity, you temporarily let go of the gun, peel your pantsu down your thigh, and jump onto his chest, pinning down his arms. He twists and contorts himself like a distressed salmon caught on a fishhook, unsuccessfully trying to regain control of the situation. You continue to attempt to point your crotch at his helmet visor, but it's difficult with your legs held together by your underwear.

You decide to try your hand at psychological warfare, and, bringing out your inner imouto, declare love for your Onii-chan. You follow up with a kiss to the side of his helmet. He suddenly goes still and stops struggling.

You smile angelically at him, then straddle his face with your pelvis and let him be consumed. He immediately resumes his struggle, and continues even after his head has passed entirely into the void. He flails around and fires his laser gun.

You feel an odd sensation in your right hand, followed by a sudden shock of pain. You have been shot! The laser gun has entirely removed your ring finger and little finger below the knuckle, as well as part of your palm. The wound appears to have cauterised itself, and isn't bleeding. You stare in horror, quietly whimpering, at what has been wrought upon your poor hand. The man vanishes entirely into your crotch, taking his weapon with him. The courtyard abruptly lapses into stillness and silence.

You are now playing as Player 1, otherwise known as Sensei. You make your way from the IT room to the stairwell, down to the ground floor, and towards the courtyard, where you intend to retrieve the weapon from the man you just dropped a computer onto. Unfortunately, you only make it as far as the base of the stairwell, when you attract the unwelcome attention of an automated sentry gun, which greets you with a hail of bullets. They sting like personal insults from a former childhood friend. You fall over and die.

Deaths: 23

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>512)

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself hiding behind a large potted aspidistra in one corner of the courtyard. Also in the courtyard is another man in grey combat armour and the body of his accomplice, who has just been crushed to death by a computer thrown from the second storey. Though your hiding place is not awfully good, the courtyard is almost completely dark, and the other man seems more interested in Sensei than in you. Your hand still hurts rather a lot.

513 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7575 00:51

Don't sneeze.

514 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7575 00:55

Magic heal hand until the pain goes away.

515 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7575 14:55

Play something better, like Tetris.

516 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7575 23:35

"Golly gosh," you think to yourself, "This would be a terrible time to sneeze." Then, predictably enough, you feel that familiar tingling in your sinuses. It's as though little ants with little needles on their legs are crawling around in the back of your nose. A reflexive action builds up tantalisingly from within you, offering sweet, explosive release from your ticklish agony.

But you resist. You do not sneeze. The man goes unalerted, and your sinuses go unemptied. Eventually, the feeling subsides.

You spend thirty mana healing your hand. You have 135 mana remaining. Blisters form on the edge of the wound, then begin to subside. The flesh begins to lose its blackened, charred appearance, and turn an unpleasant shade of pink. It is still tender, but doesn't hurt too much.

This impromptu game of hide-and-seek you're playing is not to your liking, you decide. You take a leaf from the aspidistra plant you're hiding behind and, using your fingernails, cut it into little tetrominos. You consider spending mana on reanimating the bits of leaf, but decide that would be far too silly. You settle for moving the pieces around with your fingers, whilst quietly humming the Tetris theme to yourself. An L-piece descends from the top of the screen. An amateur would put it at the far left, but you can see that next is an I-piece, which you leave room for by placing the L-piece one to the right. But, what's this? A T-piece rears its ugly head!

Amusing yourself thus, you notice a few minutes later that you are now alone in the courtyard; the man has left.

517 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7576 05:52

Secretively head toward infirmary. Around each corner, test for automatic sentries by throwing our shoe. If the shoe is not retrievable, find a rock or something.

518 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7576 14:07

Leave school, start life at circus.

519 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7576 17:40

Realize the circus is bad and burn it down.

520 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7576 17:41

Start a life of circus burning.

521 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7576 22:52

You decide that it's rather too dark in this courtyard. You feel as though a grue might jump out and eat you at any moment. You aren't sure where Sensei is at present - if he has any sense, he'll no longer be in the IT room, as that's likely where the other man was going. At any rate, you think, the infirmary would likely have bandages to cover your wound, making it a good place to set as a goal.

By some bizarre miracle of prescience, you decide to try throwing your shoe into the corridor before reentering the building. It is shredded to pieces by automated gunfire before it even hits the ground. You look around the courtyard for other ways to get to the infirmary - if you had a grappling hook, you might be able to get into the hole in the IT room window and downstairs from there, but you don't have a grappling hook. There are a few other windows on the ground floor - in particular, the cafeteria has large, floor length windows. None of the windows are open or manually opennable. You could probably throw the potted aspidistra, for instance, through a window, but it'd make a lot of noise.

You sit down and leave behind your boring, disappointing life of being stuck in a school courtyard and sink into an elaborate fantasy about being part of a travelling circus. What fun!

No, actually, it isn't fun at all. Clowns are terrifying and people who work in circuses are usually barely above the poverty line, miserable, and lead vacuous, unfulfilling lives. This fantasy isn't working out at all. You try to burn the memory out of your mind. Brightly coloured tents become blazing infernos. Clowns run for their lives amongst screaming children, heads aflame with hellfire. You resign your entire daydream to perdition. Finally, the shrieking and carnival music stops ringing through your head.

You think you've probably traumatised yourself enough already.

522 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7577 00:42

Be sensei. Fashion a rope out of bed sheets, tie one end to something sturdy, and lower it out of the window for Conundrum-chan to climb.

523 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7577 22:28

You are now playing as Player 1, otherwise known as Sensei.

You find yourself struck by a sensible idea. You aren't quite sure what to do with it, being so used to bizarre, inappropriate responses to situations, such as urges to rub salt in your eyes. You suspect it to be to do with your background in theoretical physics leaving you relatively clueless in practical matters. Then again, you've seen Conundrum-chan act on some even more dubious ideas - remember that time you took Continue-chan hostage and she just stood there eating a biscuit? What was that about?

Where were you going with this? Ah, that's right. A sensible idea. You carefully make your way downstairs from the IT room to the infirmary, strip both beds of their sheets, return upstairs with them, tie them into a makeshift rope and hang it from the hole in the window, taking care to remove the broken glass under the rope to prevent it from being cut. Finally, you tie the other end to a table leg, and sit on the table to weigh it down.

Conundrum-chan climbs the rope in a genki fashion, and soon pokes her head into the room. She gasps and hangs her head. You follow her gaze to find Contniue-chan's dead body lying in a pool of her own blood in the middle of the room, with a blood stained knife right next to her. Gosh, you didn't even notice that was there. After a little coaxing, Conundrum-chan joins you in the IT room.

You hear laser fire coming from down the corridor outside. Cautiously investigating, you find yet another of these combat armoured chaps running towards you, firing over his shoulder. Behind him is an enormous mass of tentacles, almost filling the entire hallway, and flowing forwards at a frightening pace. The laser fire doesn't seems to affect it in the slightest.

524 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7577 22:43

Shut the door, lock it (if it has a lock), and blockade it (with Conundrum-chan's help) using whatever heavy objects are available. Take the knife and have it ready in case the guard or the monster tries to get in.

525 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7578 00:03

Transfer skill point to Conundrum-chan if possible, and ready the >>500 as a secondary impromptu weapon.

526 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7578 05:21

Get knife.

Search Continue-chan's corpse for loot.

527 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7579 15:07

Get Continue-chan's corpse.

Search knife for loot.

528 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7579 17:03

Throw knife at.

529 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7579 17:03

Knife Continue-chan.

Search loot for corpse.

530 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7580 00:34

Like a startled tortoise, you retract your head from the corridor back into the IT room, then slam the door shut. You cannot find any lock on it. Worse still, it's a sliding door, making it rather difficult to barricade. You and Conundrum-chan just about manage to push a table in place when the man outside tears open the door, leaps over your feeble obstacle and lands with a rather kakkoii combat roll. He stands up, gives the two of you a single glance, then runs to the hole in the window and abseils down to the courtyard on the bedsheet rope you so kindly provided him with.

Ignoring the unholy screaming coming from just outside, you walk over to poor Continue-chan's body and take the knife from her side. As your hands are full of files you picked up back at >>490 and your pockets are full of cleaning rags and yet more files (not to mention the Rubik's cube in your underwear), you have to drop a fistful of files in order to be able to carry the knife.

You don't know how to transfer skill points. You aren't even entirely sure what skill points are. Unfortunately, the >>500 is simply a post on the internet - a few bytes of 1s and 0s stored on a server somewhere unknown. Despite its immense significance in relation to the thread it is a part of, it is but data. It can't help you now.

You are already holding the knife. Shamelessly, you run your hands over poor Continue-chan. Her body is still warm to the touch. In her pocket, you find a small metal key. It's about four centimetres long; small and flimsy, clearly not designed for anything serious.

Continue-chan's corpse is far too heavy to carry with your pathetic physique. The only things to be found on the knife are blood and betrayal.

You want to throw the knife, you really do, but you need something to aim at.

You skewer Continue-chan with the knife. It doesn't sink in gently; you feel the blade glance off one of her ribs, then lodge itself somewhere in her left lung. Blood wells up weakly around the entry wound. Some of it gets on your hand. In the relative darkness of the room you're in, the blood appears black, black like your soul, you corpse-desecrating bastard.

You take another look at the small key you found in her pocket. You're fairly certain it doesn't contain any corpses.

While you've been doing horrible things to a young girl's dead body, Conundrum-chan has been doing her best to keep the wall of tentacles from joining you in the room. She managed to close the door again and tried to jam a chair into the gap it slides into, with mixed results; it does prevent the door from opening, but only if she holds the chair in place. Despite Conundrum-chan's best efforts, slowly, the nightmarish being outside forces the door open a few centimetres - enough for a few appendages to creep in and make their way towards her.

She concedes defeat and runs, and, simultaneously, the chair bursts out of place and the door crashes open. A wall of tentacles spills towards the two of you, hungry for your flesh.

531 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7580 00:52

Bend the key into a ring, then propose marriage to the tentacle monster.

532 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7580 02:27

Feed Continue to our new wife.

533 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7580 07:49

Be Conundrum-chan and follow the man out the window.

534 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7580 23:24

You get down on one knee and fiddle with the key for a few precious moments. Unfortunately, your guest is rather too eager to let you finish. Before you have a chance to make a heartfelt and emotional marriage proposal, you are engulfed in tentacles, which thoroughly abuse you, then you are killed and eaten.

Deaths: 24

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>530)

You do not have a wife, new or otherwise. You don't even have any serious relationships with members of the opposite sex, with the (rather dubious) exception of Conundrum-chan. She certainly isn't your wife, but she's the closest you've got. You grab her hand as she runs across the room and attempt to persuade her to eat the corpse of her own osananajimi. Before she has a chance to refuse, cry or slap you in the face for your insolence, the two of you are taken by the tentacles. After much pain and violation, you are killed and eaten.

Deaths: 25

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>530)

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You continue your hasty retreat, climbing out the window and back down to the courtyard. It's a little difficult abseiling with two fingers missing, but at least it's not as bad as it was climbing up. You find yourself followed by Sensei, then by a multitude of tentacles. They appear to burst forth from the hole in the window, injure themselves on the broken glass and retract, then pour forth again, more cautiously, groping around the outer face of the building. An appendage eventually finds and grasps the bedsheet rope and gives it a sharp tug.

Meanwhile, you and Sensei find yourselves in the relative safety of the courtyard. You notice the man you've been following disappear behind a petunia. On closer inspection, you discover a metal hatch implanted into the ground, cunningly hidden in a gap between various ornamental plants.

Looking inside, you can see a metal rung ladder descending a metre or two into a cramped, dimly lit space. Within, you see the man you were following just finishing removing his combat armour, hanging it, along with his laser gun, up on a set of hooks on the wall. Completely ignoring you, he turns and walks out of your sight.

535 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7582 13:39

Take combat armor and laser gun.
Sell them.
Use money to buy escape rope.

536 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7582 16:27

Buy Boots of Escaping and run for the hills.

537 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7582 19:10

Buy Cape of Fleeing and flee away from the school.

538 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7583 00:25

You descend into the strange, dark underworld beneath the courtyard. You find yourself in a small room with a low ceiling, made entirely of filled concrete. There are worn looking benches lining the North and South sides of the room, with rows of hooks above them. The room is lit only by a single dim, bare lightbulb. There is a corridor leading to the West, which is completely unlit, and you cannot see more than a metre in. There's something odd about the appearance of the walls, but you can't quite make out what.

You take the laser gun from the hook on the wall. It's remarkably heavy; you can barely lift it. You certainly can't carry it along with the entire suit of combat armour. Sensei joins you down in the hole, and you attempt to sell the gun and armour to him. He seems a little confused, but eventually acquiesces and offers to buy them for seven files and two cleaning rags. You accept. Sensei puts on the combat armour - it's a little big, but perfectly serviceable. He seems over-encumbered and uncomfortable, but still happy to having some sort of defence.

You offer him three files in return for an escape rope, but he insists that he doesn't have any such thing.

You buy Sensei's shoes for two files and a cleaning rag, to replace your own which you misplaced earlier. Unfortunately, they're the wrong size entirely and won't stay on your feet. You can't find any hills, other than the delicate, beautifully formed rolling mounds of your prepubescent oppai. You run around in a circle, for their sake.

Sensei doesn't have anything to sell you that could be considered a cape. He offers you a Rubik's cube instead, but you politely decline. You set forth into the dark corridor, away from this horrible place full of tentacles and dead friends. After a few steps you feel an odd warmth on your face. You passingly wonder why the man here a moment ago left behind his most useful possessions before entering the tunnel.

You notice a rhythmic clicking noise. You can't tell where it's coming from, but it gets louder the deeper you go. You suddenly notice the five files in your hand have become rather hot, and have sparks arcing between them. You drop them in surprise. Sparks continue to jump between them, quite violently. There is a smell of ozone.

539 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7583 02:20

Ask Sensei to destroy the ozone by farting on it. Also tell him to take off the combat armor before it electrocutes him.

540 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7583 23:03

Crotch-void armor and gun, hoping that at some point in the future we will be able to retrieve them. Also crotch-void flies, then continue walking and sing a merry song while walking.

541 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7584 01:00

Sensei commends your inorganic chemistry nous, knowing that, of course, H2S + O3 → SO2 + H2O, though he commiserates the fact that the H2S content of his flatulence is rather low and would become negligible after having to make its way out of his combat armour and down the corridor to where you are.

He mutters something about Faraday cages and electrocution while removing his precious armour. He hangs it back up on the wall, along with the laser gun.

You join Sensei back in the small, dimly lit room. Without a word, you take the apparel he just relinquished and shove it up your skirt, into the hole between your legs. All of it disappears without a trace. Aware of the mysterious effect that the corridor has on metal objects, you also try to dispose of the fly of Sensei's trousers. At first he is uncooperative, but you prove quite persuasive. He removes his trousers to reveal a large bulge in his underwear. It's a Rubik's cube, of course. You think.

You succeed in nullifying the metal part of his trousers, but unfortunately also lose the rest of his trousers in the process, along with all the files and cleaning rags in the pockets. Sensei seems rather displeased by this turn of events.

You resume your stroll through the enigmatic tunnel, singing to yourself to maintain your spirits in the face of the darkness and strange, unpredictable events. The clicking noise resumes, again growing louder the deeper you go. You soon come to the files you dropped earlier, still blinking with angry little sparks. You feel warm all over. The clicking continues, like bones snapping, or teeth clashing together. You are really rather warm, more than is comfortable.

Just as you feel you are about to pass out from heatstroke, you catch sight of a light at the end of the tunnel. A feeble, dim light, but a light nonetheless. You rush ahead, and emerge into a small concrete room, startlingly similar to the one you just came from, but without the benches and hooks lining the walls. There are corridors leading to the East (where you just came from) and South (which is also completely unlit, and looks much the same). On the North wall is a ladder leading up to a closed metal hatch.

Sensei joins you a few seconds later, still lacking his trousers, and sweating profusely.

542 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7584 07:41

Tell Sensei to go up the ladder while we go South. Splitting up is always a great idea!

543 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7584 16:46

Take it easy.

544 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7585 00:35

Sensei obliges and ascends the ladder. He awkwardly struggles with the hatch, eventually emerging into a large, open space full of machinery. There are various large cylindrical objects which might be turbines or generators. You cannot see any more from where you are. The tunnel was at least a few hundred metres long, so you're probably no longer underneath the school.

Still somewhat euphoric at Sensei's praise for your chemistry knowledge, you slightly overestimate your own intuition and decide that, as you split up once and didn't die from it, it was a good idea and you should do it again. Besides, you're curious as to what lies down the South tunnel.

It proves to be rather similar to the previous tunnel, complete with clicking noises and stifling warmth. You walk for quite a while - at least as far as you went down the previous tunnel - but to no avail. Neither the noise nor the heat even begin to abate; if anything they worsen. You soldier on, believing that this tunnel must lead somewhere, and certain that you couldn't manage the entire walk back.

At long last, you see something ahead - another dim light. You can't tell how far it is away, but it seems a fair distance. Head pounding, ears clicking and plagued by sweat and hot flushes, you collapse to the floor, unable to make it however far it is to the next pointless little room.

Maybe, one little corner of your mind says, maybe, if you could just muster the strength, you could... No, you decide, you'll just relax and take it easy. You're hot and bothered enough already. And thus you find yourself baked like an anthropomorphic anpan, and die of hyperthermia and heatstroke.

Deaths: 26

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>541)

545 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7585 00:41

Take it hard.

546 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7585 00:52

Go up the ladder first so sensei can see our pantsu.

547 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7585 18:00

Give sensei his boots back.

548 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7586 00:36

Game difficulty has been set to Hard mode.

You feel that poor Sensei has been through a lot today, and deserves a little service. Whilst ascending the ladder, you make an extra effort to fan out your skirt and wiggle your backside, commenting "Ara ara, I sure hope my pantsu aren't showing!" A coy glance backwards reveals Sensei to be in the midst of a profound ethical and moral dilemma, eyes flicking back and forth between your lower body and his own feet. You catch his eye and he blushes.

After a brief struggle with the hatch, you emerge into a large room filled with various enormous pieces of machinery. The room is lit only by the dim light from the room below and a small skylight above you, which has little effect as it's currently night. There is a row of identical semicylindrical metal objects to the North, which are humming quietly. You can half-see myriad strange, angular objects beyond them to the North, as well as to the East and South. They all seem to be static.

Still rather hot from your journey through the tunnel, you are pleasantly refreshed by a light breeze blowing from the West.

Feeling somewhat tsundere, you drop Sensei's shoes onto his head as he's trying to climb the ladder after you. Without a word, he climbs back down, slips them onto his feet and resumes his ascent.

549 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7586 07:25

Go West. Make sensei go in front.

550 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7586 12:03

Try yelling for therapeutic purposes.

551 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 00:33

You convince Sensei to lead the way into the darkness to the West. You hold his hand to make sure you don't get separated. After around ten steps you can no longer feel the breeze from earlier. Another fifteen hesitant steps forwards later, you and Sensei reach a wall. There is a cuboid sticking out of it at (his) chest height, with wires leading upwards out of reach. It seems to have a removable cover. Following the wall a few paces to the North, you find nothing. To the South, you discover something large, strangely shaped and entirely indeterminate in function or identity. It's probably another piece of machinery.

You feel rather frustrated by all this fumbling around in the dark. You choose to express this by screaming abruptly. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" You scream. "Aaaaaaaaaaaargh?!" replies Sensei, more than slightly startled by your outburst. "Aaaaaaaaaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" you explain. You feel slightly better.

Suddenly, all the lights in the room flicker to life and turn on. Once your eyes adjust to the brightness, you take a look at your surroundings. The two of you are in what looks to be some sort of factory or warehouse. The space you're in is square, roughly fifty metres to a side, and around six metres tall. You are on the West wall, near the Northwest corner. There are several conveyor belts running from West to East, with large, inscrutable machines on top at odd places. None of it looks to be in operation. The North wall is lined with five of the semicylindrical things you saw earlier.

Every available surface; the floor, walls, machinery, even the hatch in the floor you came from, are covered in elaborate diagrams drawn in chalk. There are various sets of concentric circles in places on the floor, with many other shapes orbiting them. Everything is linked by a network of lines. The lines are all drawn at right angles, like wires in circuit diagrams. Text is written in a few places, but you can't recognise the script. Most of it is written in white chalk, with patches of red and black, especially around the circles.

You only just notice a human figure sneaking up on you from the Southeast. A remarkably androgynous person, dressed in close fitting white clothing, is stalking towards you, wielding a large, straight piece of metal - probably an axle or piece of piping - in both hands. Sensei doesn't seem to have noticed yet.

552 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 00:45

Inquire if that mysterious person is cosplaying that character from that videogame you played earlier but can't quite recall its title or it is just a robot.

553 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 03:24

Apologize to the person and explain that we were bringing pizza to share with him/her, but one of the guards bumped into it and spilled it all over the floor.

If the person still appears hostile, use our finger to smudge the chalk in the shape of a penis.

554 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 15:19

Turn on machinery.
Escape using conveyor belt, cue hilarious scooby doo shenanigans.

555 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 17:08

Use the machinery to make grinding noises again.

556 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7587 18:25

Open third eye.

557 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7588 00:15

The person stays perfectly still, like a startled rabbit, then quickly attempts to hide the metal rod behind their back. They contort their face into some strange approximation of a friendly smile and inform you that they are most definitely not a robot, or anything similar - how absurd! - and are, in fact, almost certainly "cause playing" or whatever the other thing you said was.

The person graciously accepts your apology, without any change in facial expression. They agree that attempting to acquire food is exactly the sort of thing they would do, along with breathing, defecating, procreating, dying, and all those other things humans do all the time. Reassured, you glance at the chalk diagrams. Doesn't that part over there look positively phallic? Yes, if you could just flesh out the testicles a little... but no, you feel you shouldn't risk offending the suspicious lady and/or gentleman.

You skip over to the nearest of the enormous contraptions and begin searching for an "on" switch, with no success. Indeed, you can't find any controls on any of the machines.

You attempt to escape from the room by following the conveyor belts. Surely they must lead somewhere. Usually, they lead to shenanigans, but they might lead to an actual physical place too. Sensei makes some vague objection on the basis of it being dangerous, which is duly ignored. You climb onto the conveyor belt to the South and crawl along it Eastwards. As you are passing through the inside of a piece of machinery, however, it turns on! Various large, metal parts pin you down and crush you against the belt. The pressure on your upper body is so great you cannot breathe.

A large, blunt piece of machinery from behind you tears through the flesh of your lower body, but gets jammed against your pelvis. It makes an excruciating grinding noise as it pushes on, eventually breaking through the bone.

You meditate, through your Ajna chakra, upon the painful futility of your current existence. Then you die.

Deaths: 27

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>551)

558 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7588 10:02

Tell the mysterious figure, "This statement is false."

559 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7588 14:15

Grind against sensei.

560 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7588 23:45

"Hahaha! What a SyntaxError: can't assign to comparison funny joke that is!" they reply, laughing uproariously. Meanwhile, beside you, Sensei begins to mumble to himself. "...statement is false, but if that's true, then that means... but it can't... I..."

The suspicious person cocks their head to the side, curiously, then shouts "Ah-ha!" They leap across to Sensei, bringing the metal rod out from behind their back, and smack him in the back of the head with it with incredible force. With a sound like sonic boom, Sensei's body is propelled forwards about three metres, sliding to a stop on the edge of a large, red chalk circle. His scalp, including his hair, has fallen off in mid flight, and landed about thirty centimetres ahead, lying forlornly on the ground like an injured hedgehog.

From inside his head spill forth countless tiny, intricate cogs, gears, axles and other delicate looking pieces of clockwork. His body lies face down, completely inert. Sensei has left your party, and is no longer a playable character.

"Look! Look!" implores the other person, "He was a robot all along! Thank goodness we know we're both humans."

You choose to express your complex feelings of shock, betrayal and loss by rubbing your crotch area against Sensei's body in some sort of licentious, suggestive dance.

561 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7589 03:55

Say "but I'm a robot too! Beep bop beep boop!"

562 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7589 09:27

Ask the mysterious person for their name, and see if they can tell us anything about how one might go about uncollapsing dimensions.

563 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7589 09:29

Ask the mysterious person for their name, and see if they can tell us anything about how one might go about uncollapsing dimensions.

564 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7589 16:15

Ask the mysterious person if they wish to join us and grind our way towards the exit.

565 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7590 00:04

"Ah, fancy that!" says the suspicious person. Then, before you have a chance to respond, they strike you in the back of the head just as they did to poor Sensei. You, too, are propelled forth several metres by the blow. You suffer a compound fracture to the base of the skull, with fragments of bone ending up embedded in your brainstem, severing many sensory and motor nerves. You die almost instantly. Almost.

Deaths: 28

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>560)

The person extends their right arm, rigidly, at a right angle to their body, smiles a little too wide, and says "Pleased to meet you, Sir or Madam, my name is Control Tower." You cautiously reciprocate the handshake, a matter complicated slightly by the fact that you're missing two fingers from your right hand. Control Tower doesn't seem to be bothered by, or even notice, this particular detail.

Control Tower has joined your party. They express particular interest in your goal oriented, grinding-based plan of action.

566 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7590 01:22

Be Control Tower.
Check inventory, skills, etc.

567 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7590 06:22

Fall in love with Conundrum-chan.

568 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7590 23:45

Rub salt into eyes..

569 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 00:30

You are now playing as Control Tower.

Your inventory contains nothing but a single stainless steel drive shaft, taken from one of the defunct engines. Your clothing is, needless to say, not physically separate from your body. You have level zero in every category, and no available skills, not even basic healing or proposal.

You stare at the human in front of you. She stares back at you. You find yourself lost in analysing her large, bright eyes. Her black hair flows forth thickly like errors from a corrupted file. Something torrid stirs deep within your central processing unit. An unexpected process begins running, and you find yourself performing an illegal operation. Your inbuilt error detection and antivirus software can't help you now. You have fallen in love.

You cannot locate "rub salt into eyes" in your library of human behaviour. You do, however, find "rub eyes to remove foreign bodies", "rub eyes to remove excess lachyrimation" and "rub eyes to express disbelief". You cannot perform actions not known to be human behaviour unless a specialised subroutine deems it necessary.

570 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 00:55

while (true) {
say("I'm a big fat butt");

571 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 11:08

Tip over.

572 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 14:32

Be Conundrum-chan
Regain contact with the Control Tower.

573 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 14:53

Be Control Tower
Assign skill points (from killing sensei) to matrimony.

574 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7591 15:15

Grind together romantically.

575 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 00:16

You are quite certain that you are not a large overweight pair of buttocks, nor do you have any good reason to lie and claim that you are. Not to mention, you are all too aware of the dangers of non-terminating while loops. You are altogether quite relieved that your human behaviour checking subroutine cancels this particular instruction.

Tip over what?

You are now playing as Conundrum-chan. You continue your conversation with Control Tower - although, for all you know, they may be just a control tower, rather than the control tower. The two of you discuss your current predicament and plans for the immediate future. Control Tower expresses interest in the apparent effects of the underground tunnels upon metal objects, commenting that that would be very inconvenient if one happened to contain electrical components. Which, of course, they, being an ordinary human, do not.

You are now playing as Control Tower. You do not have any skill points or mana, and cannot gain more, because you have no soul.

You recall with wonder the odd undulating motion that human made next to the body of her companion. This particular action was one you couldn't find in your library of human behaviour, and one you found strangely alluring. You attempt to reenact this upon her. She seems pleasantly surprised. Well, you think so, anyway. It's hard to tell with humans. I mean, she only cried a little, and you're fairly sure that can indicate happiness as well.

A few minutes later, you hear a sound coming from beneath the hatch leading to the tunnels; a subtle creaking, indicating someone or something climbing the rungs of the ladder. You have a few mere moments before they emerge into the room.

576 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 02:00

Sit on the hatch.

577 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 03:13

Smash Conundrum-chan's head with a large container of salt

578 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 17:35

Pull out pubes.

579 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 18:42

Be Jack. Wonder why Sensei had skill points if he was a robot. Get suspicious and search his open head for clues.

580 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 21:11

Drink a quart of salt water

581 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7592 23:55

You rush over to the little trapdoor. None must be allowed to disturb you and your small fleshy companion, while you're still in the midst of "grinding". Unfortunately it soon becomes apparent that you didn't think this through - how can you rub your crotch against the human when you're all the way over here? You feel a pressure from beneath as someone tries to lift the hatch, followed by an urgent hammering and cries of "Help!". You're sure you've heard that voice before. These damn humans and their tonal inflections, which one was it?

You feel something odd - well, to feel anything at all is odd, but this especially - towards your beloved human. An urge... an urge to smash her head in. No, wait, that can't be right. With... with a large container of salt? But why would...

Hmm, your human behaviour checking subroutine seems quite alright with the idea, for some reason. Well, no use questioning it. You walk over to her, an encouraging smile projected onto your face, before remembering that you don't have a large container of salt with which to smash in her beautiful little head. Not just that, but the now unobstructed hatch is pushed open, and someone begins to emerge. You're really off the ball today.

You feel a sudden urge to relieve your darling human of her pubic hair. Was that ordinary human behaviour? Must've been. Ignoring her playful protestations and struggling, you lift her skirt and move her undergarments aside. What's this? Shock! Horror! She hasn't even reached pubarche; there's nothing to pull out! Also, instead of the usual sexual organ she seems to have some sort of large bottomless aperture, but that's neither here nor there.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You should be feeling quite scared and violated by Control Tower, but instead are busy staring in shock at Sensei, who has just climbed out of the hatch in the floor. Sensei is, in turn, staring in shock at the inert body of his doppelgänger lying at his feet. His hair is matted with sweat, and he is quite desperately out of breath. It seems he's probably been in the tunnels underground for a while.

Finally, he meets your eyes, breathes a sigh of relief, and comes to rejoin you. Sensei has joined your party. Then, he passes out from exhaustion. Sensei has left your party, and is no longer a playable character.

You have no idea whether the dead robo-Sensei ever had skill points, nor do you know for certain if the new living(?) non-robotic(?) Sensei does. You take a good look at the inside of robo-Sensei's head, but learn nothing from it. It is just full of small, intricate brass clockwork pieces. They're mostly gears and axles, with a few springs and more exotic pieces thrown in. It looks quite impossible for you to repair.

You freeze where you are. From just behind you, you hear a lighthearted giggle, one you were certain you would never hear again. "Ufufufufu, Oh Conundrum-chan, that was a hidoi thing you did, you know." Slowly and unwillingly, you turn your head to face your conversant.

Just in front of the hatch, to the side of non-robo-Sensei's unconscious body, stands Continue-chan's reanimated body. Her hair is ruffled and disordered, spilling over her pale, bloodless face, but not quite covering her wide, unblinking eyes, which cast a piercing gaze straight into you. There is a large stab wound in her breast, with congealed blood staining much of her seifuku. In her right hand is an all too familiar knife, incarnadine with her own dried blood. Smiling a little too wide, she takes a step towards you.

582 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7593 01:50

Say "it's about time you got here! Did you bring the pizzas?" If she appears hostile, run and hide behind Control Tower.

583 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7593 05:23

Use necromancy skill to reanimate Continue-chan's right hand for 30 seconds.

584 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7593 09:41

Pause for a breather. Make some tea, yell out your frustrations with this game.

585 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 00:04

Do you mean a US liquid quart, a US dry quart, an imperial quart or a Winchester quart? Actually, it doesn't matter; you can't find any salt water anyway.

Continue-chan pauses, and doubt passes over her face momentarily like a cloud over a summer sky, then she chuckles lightly and smiles even wider than before. "Don't worry," she purrs, "I'm not... vindictive. I just want to talk with you." You consider running for safety behind Control Tower, but decide that you probably aren't in any immediate danger. "Come, I'll explain everything, just follow me..." With a jerk of her head, she stares over your shoulder at Control Tower, who is standing completely motionless at the other side of the room, then continues "...Alone, that is." She doesn't even spare a glance to the two inanimate Senseis.

Continue-chan's entire body is already reanimated by someone or something else.


You heave a dramatic sigh, try to ignore the deeply unsettling menu music, and quietly wish for a nice cup of tea. Unfortunately, of course, there's no escape from the game.

You take the opportunity to voice your tribulations and doubts with your experience so far. Most troublingly, you recall murdering someone back at >>214,215, and in the process gained level two thaumaturgy, yet come >>268-270 it appears that you don't even have level one! >>381 continues the pretence of claiming you have level zero thaumaturgy, despite the fact that >>460 could open the JavaScript console ability, which should require level two thaumaturgy.

Furthermore, when Sensei was introduced at >>339 he is described as wearing a grey suit, yet when you check your inventory as Sensei at >>407, you are described as being dressed in black, and only your underwear is grey.

You find yourself most frustrated, however, by the fact that the alternate universe arc taking place in >>266 turned out not to be canon.

586 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 06:58

Say, "Okay, let's go somewhere more quiet," while walking southeast and motioning for Continue-chan to follow. Unpause the game and repause the game repeatedly while doing this, so our voice and movements are chopped up and funny.

587 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 13:36

Realise that we are a reality-warping goddess, which explains the dimensional collapse and subsequent inconsistencies.

588 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 14:20

Open Javascript console

if(Continue.reanimated) {
Continue.reanimated_remaining_time = 0;

589 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 15:11

If >>588 does not work, convince Control Tower Continue might be a robot. Look at her, she doesn't even blink!

590 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7594 23:32

Continue-chan nods sharply and takes your left hand (the one that still has the right number of fingers) in hers. You attempt to direct her to the Southeast, but she has ideas of her own. Ignoring your feeble objections, she pulls you to the hatch. "After you." she whispers. Seeing little alternative, you begin to climb back down.

As this is happening, you pause and unpause the game repeatedly. Though one would expect the transition to be quite choppy and abrupt, it proves the opposite; the two existences seem to melt into one another. You momentarily forget whether the game is currently paused or not. Then, you become very confused indeed. What were you thinking about? Something about pausing a game - what game? You aren't aware of playing any sort of game. And you can't just pause reality, that would be ridiculous. How would you even do that, anyway?

Ah, that's right, you must be like that one anime character! You know, that one. The one with the public shrine taped to some bronze statues in a park somewhere.

You require level two thaumaturgy and 75 mana to use the JavaScript console ability. You currently have level 2ei3π/4 thaumaturgy and 135 mana.

Foot still resting on the top rung of the ladder, a thought crosses your mind. Without really thinking it through, you blurt out "Hey Control Tower, I think Continue-chan is a robot!" With a buoyant sounding "Ah!" they rush over, metal rod in hand, to deliver a diagnostic strike to the back of the head.

Continue-chan waits for Control Tower to approach, then effortlessly ducks the swing, and simultaneously sinks her knife into their abdomen. She follows this up with a hack to the side of the neck, cutting almost halfway through in a single swing. She laughs like a siren as she continues to puncture and tear at her combatant's body. Even after Control Tower has long since stopped moving, she continues to slash and stab, severing an arm, a leg and the head in the process.

Control Tower has left your party, and is no longer a playable character.

You quietly duck down into the dim room below. The tunnel leading East, from which you originally came, is largely blocked by a pile of electronics. On closer inspection, it seems to be the remains of the very same computer you dragged here all the way from the meadow, reassembled in an unlikely way. Most of the components are just sitting directly on the ground or on broken pieces of casing, all connected with a haphazard spider's web of cables. There are two cables leading away Eastwards down the tunnel. A large CRT monitor, with a crack from the top right corner, is perched atop the rest of the computer. The display shows the same login screen from >>421.

Continue-chan is as yet otherwise occupied upstairs - you can still hear intermittent cackling and the hollow thumps of violent stabbing - so if you're going to sabotage the computer or make a run for it down the unoccupied tunnel to the South, now's the time for it.

591 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7595 01:29

Unplug the two cables leading away, then put the rest of the computer/parts in our crotch void.

592 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7595 03:37

Then make a run for it!

593 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7595 20:59

You tear the two electronic umbilical cords from the unholy nest of computerised evil. The screen goes dead. For good measure, you smother the entire contraption with your crotch, consuming it all in one.

Having wrought your mischief, you decide now would be a good time to make your exit. Dropping all pretence of subtlety, you sprint down the Southern corridor. You are pleasantly surprised to find that the tunnel - though still warm - is no longer quite so stifling, nor does it produce that odd clicking noise. Perhaps it has something to do with the reappearance of the computer.

For perhaps fifty metres, all you can hear is the sound of your bare feet padding against the concrete floor, then you hear a playful "Oh, Conundrum-cha~an..." echoing down the tunnel from behind you. You don't look back. Before long, you reach another almost identical cubic concrete room, with another dim lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. There are tunnels leading to the North (from which you just came) and South, and a metal ladder on the Eastern wall leading straight down. The bottom of the ladder is quite some distance away, and lit by a reddish glow.

You begin running down the South tunnel, when two things happen that force you to halt. First, the heat and clicking abruptly resume with redoubled intensity, and second you hear, from far to the North, a scream: "Aaaaaaaaargh! Help! Argh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" It's Sensei's voice.

594 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7596 06:44

Briefly reflect on our heartless actions in the past. Resolve to care more about others in the future. With bravery fueled by this guilt, run back to save Sensei.

595 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7596 21:02

Though it causes you nothing but pain, you reflect upon the more immoral and contemptible acts you've committed since you woke up on a cold, hard concrete floor, probably several days ago. Well, there was the time you scared some poor bastard out of his wits back at >>170, then there was the time you killed Ao Oni (though that might count as self defence). What else? Oh yes, also you brutally murdered the only person who'd ever loved you in cold blood. You decide it might be a good idea not to do such things in the future.

Spirit languishing in grief, body set with a sort of grim determination, you run back down the tunnel you came by. It's much harder going than previously; the walls are going full blast, blazing heat and clicking and all. You are soon gasping for breath and wishing bitterly to be anywhere but this claustrophobic little corridor. Still, Sensei's relentless screaming urges you ever onwards.

At last, you arrive back in the same little room you found the reanimated computer. Heart pounding, you ascend the ladder to find Sensei leaning against one of the conveyor belts, clutching his right hand closely to his chest and gritting his teeth. As he is distracted by your return, Continue-chan takes the opportunity to jump behind him, pull him from the conveyor belt and press her blade against his neck.

"Hello again, my darling Conundrum-chan!" she begins, "I'm glad you've been having fun without us, but I'm afraid it really is time you did what you're supposed to. Unless," she gestures at the bodies of Control Tower and the other Sensei, piled up against the Western wall, "you want to end up like them, I suggest you help us regain contact with the Control Tower."

596 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7596 22:21

Agree to Continue-chan's terms, but inform her that we can't do this alone- we need the help of Sensei and Continue-chan herself.

597 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7597 05:23


598 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7597 14:29

After a fabolous pirouette worthy of a gold medal, point out that Continue-chan has, in fact, just stabbed the hell out of Control Tower, and whether he was THE Control Tower, or just some Control Tower, he was our only lead, and an end-game party member, which will make the rest of the game and contacting the Control Tower a hell of a lot harder.

599 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7597 20:41

Use the power of friendship and whatever necromancy skills we have attained to resurrect Control Tower. Ask for Continue-Chan to place her recently-gained skill points towards this task.

600 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7598 11:06

"Oh, I've good reason to believe you can do it yourself, actually." she replies coolly. She doesn't seem particularly cooperative.

Your beloved Continue-chan may have become an unholy, soulless aberration, but she's still your tomodachi and you still care for her deeply. You are suddenly aware of how dreadful you probably look right now, with no shoes or socks on, your hair a mess, and sweating and breathing heavily in a most unladylike fashion. The only way to counteract something like this, and redeem yourself in the eyes of Continue-chan, is to do something so overwhelmingly ladylike that she is forced to overlook your appearance.

You anchor your left leg in a single point, and set yourself spinning wildly with an energetic push from your other foot. You twirl gracefully about, skirt fanning out enticingly. You're doing it! Continue-chan must be shocked and overwhelmed by the raw beauty and elegance of your performance.

Then, suddenly, you feel dizzy, not to mention far too hot, and tired (it's far past your bedtime), and accidentally fall over and pass out.

You wake up an indeterminate length of time later. Judging by the skylight in the ceiling, it's still night. Once you've regained your senses, you find that Continue-chan is staring at you with an inscrutable look on her face, offhandedly toying with her knife. A lump develops in your throat as you notice that Sensei is now piled next to the other two corpses at the side of the room.

You berate Continue-chan for her overzealous murdering habit, and, to your surprise, she is quite taken aback. She listens patiently, then paces back and forth like a caged lion, muttering under her breath things like "Surely it couldn't've been..." and "Shimatta!" Finally, she stares at you and narrows her eyes. You have no idea what she's thinking.

Alas, all the friendship in the world can't bring back the dead, and, as Control Tower is neither an invertebrate, nor a vertebrate under 2kg, nor a body part, you can't revive them with your current skills. Plaintively, you try to solicit skill points from your recently reanimated companion. She rolls her eyes, sighs dramatically and, finally, with a cryptic comment about them being "no good to her anyway", she gives you two skill points, which you place into necromancy. You now have level five necromancy. You have unlocked the following skills:

  • Reanimation (ritually killed dead)(active skill): Can reanimate anything killed in a ritualistic manner, so long as bodily integrity is above 80%. Revived creatures obey you entirely, and have no will of their own. Requires a single expenditure of 80 mana.
  • Reanimation (electronics)(active skill): Can reanimate electronics, so long as integrity of electronic components and connections is above 50%. Revived electronics behave as they would when working. Requires 20 mana per minute of revival.

Summoning your inner strength, you use your new skill to reanimate your late android friend. You gesture dramatically at their corpse, and feel twenty mana exit your body. Control Tower shudders and begins to move! They rise, stumbling slightly as they're missing their right leg just below the hip, their left arm from above the elbow, and, most unnervingly, their head is attached only by a single flap of skin.

"Hello, everyone!" they say.

601 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7598 13:09

Introduce Control Tower and Continue-chan to each other.

602 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7598 13:11

If possible, resurrect robo-sensei with our new skill. Together, brainstorm possible methods of restoring contact with the Control Tower.

603 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7598 23:31

Ask reanimated robo-sensei to fix Control Tower. Ask him to use his own parts if necessary.

604 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7598 23:48

Control Tower is quite enthusiastic about being alive again. They give an exuberant - but mercifully brief - introduction to Continue-chan. The lady herself appears quite unimpressed and disdainful. She declines to even respond to poor Control Tower.

You attempt to reanimate robo-Sensei as electronics, without success. Making use of some lateral thinking, you decide he might be classed as an invertebrate, if this is defined simply as lacking a vertebral column; it appears, however, that "invertebrate" implies membership of the kingdom Animalia. He is quite clearly neither a vertebrate under 2kg, nor killed ritually, so your last resort is to reanimate part of him as a body part.

You feel you would be able to reanimate, for instance, his head, but this requires bodily integrity of at least 80%, which, judging by the detached scalp and clockwork pieces spilled everywhere, is currently not attained. Furthermore, it would cost a fair bit of mana (20 mana per kg per minute, with his head being probably about four or five kilograms), not to mention it would be hostile to everything in sight. All things considered, this seems like a terrible idea, and you're glad it's so awkward/almost impossible.

Control Tower, Continue-chan and yourself discuss the issue of having lost contact with the Control Tower. Continue-chan stimulates the discussion with the declaration that "that thing" is quite clearly not the Control Tower, but just a control tower, and probably isn't even worth making contact with. Control Tower looks dejected.

Continue-chan insists that the computer she took the trouble of bringing here is your best bet. You admit that the aforementioned apparatus has accidentally found its way into the all consuming void in your crotch. A strange smile creeps across Continue-chan's face. "Oh, you naughty girl," she whispers, before pushing you to the ground, flipping your skirt up, pulling your pantsu out of the way, and thrusting her arm straight into the hole between your thighs. She fishes around a little, gives a sharp tug at something, and out pours the much battered computer, monitor, cables and all.

Over the course of the above events, you have spent a further 40 mana keeping Control Tower reanimated. You currently have 75 mana remaining.

Robo-Sensei remains obstinately unreanimated.

605 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7599 12:03

Combine Robo-Sensei with Sensei, creating Cybrog Sensei

606 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7599 22:46

You are blinded by a flash of inspiration. Of course! It's so simple! You insist that Continue-chan loan you her knife. Seeing the passionate glint in your eye, she finds herself unable to refuse. She takes the computer parts downstairs to where the power and internet cables are and begins setting it up again, then busies herself amongst a nest of badly damaged electronics, leaving you alone with a knife and two inanimate Senseis.

You decide to get the hardest part out of the way first. You drag the unconscious non-robo-Sensei to one of the conveniently prepared chalk ritual circles on the floor. He returns to consciousness briefly as you are moving him, but catches one sight of the dead robo-Sensei, makes a half startled, half confused "Aaergh?" sound, and returns to his state of syncope.

You kneel by his supine form, raise your bloodstained knife with both hands, and, with a brief chant to Huixtocihuatl, the Aztec god of rubbing salt in one's eyes, plunge the knife down between his ribs. A faint gasp escapes his lips, then he breathes no more. For killing a sapient creature in a ritualistic manner you have gained 100 mana and two skill points. You currently have 175 mana and two unallocated skill points.

Next, you begin work on robo-Sensei. Unfortunately, as you must keep non-robo-Sensei's bodily integrity above 80%, you are limited as to how much robotics you can add before reanimating him. You note that two of the fingers on non-robo-Sensei's right hand have been cut off - which is presumably why he was screaming and clutching his hand earlier. There is no sign of the severed fingers themselves.

In light of this, you decide to replace his right hand. After much work with the knife - robo-Sensei's skin is quite tough and leathery - you manage to sever it. It is filled with clockwork components, including parts which attach to driveshafts corresponding to the ulna and radial bone. Next, you try your hand at transorbital lobotomy, and relieve robo-Sensei of one of his eyes, and the string of gears that comes with it.

With a chop, a slip and a splash of blood, you remove the corresponding parts of non-robo-Sensei and replace them with their robotic counterparts. Finally, you spend 80 mana giving life to cybo-Sensei. "Live!" you command, "LIVE!" You raise your hands into the air dramatically, laugh maniacally, and watch with thrill as cybo-Sensei stirs. He sits up, stretches, turns to face you and says, simply, "I am yours to command, mistress."

607 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7600 08:23

Put 2 skill points into pyromancy. Belch fire.

608 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7600 09:32

Try to ignite your own fart.

609 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7601 00:12

You have unlocked the following skills:

  • Firelighting (active skill): Can start fires. Requires tinder and firelighting implement, e.g. lighter, matches, flint and steel, bow drill.
  • Pyromania (passive skill): Attain therapeutic effects from starting fires. Firelighting may be addictive and/or difficult to resist. Cannot be disabled.

You fancy attempting fire breathing, but this requires both an appropriate fuel and a firelighting implement, neither of which are you in possession of.

Much as you'd love to ignite something, you cannot fart. It is impossible.

You notice that you are still spending 20 mana per minute keeping Control Tower animate. You currently have 55 mana remaining.

610 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7601 07:49

Let Control Tower die for now. Ritualistically kill and revive cybo-sensei over and over again to gain unlimited mana.

611 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7602 00:20

Control Tower collapses in a heap. The impact causes their head to fall off entirely.

You cannot kill cybo-Sensei as he is not living. You can only render him inanimate, which would gain you neither mana nor skill points.

Continue-chan pokes her head out of the hatch to inform you that the computer is set up again, and awaiting your input.

612 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7602 11:28

Recap events that happened to me thus far in less than 35 words.

613 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7602 21:47

Rap events that happened to me thus far in less than 35 words.

614 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7602 22:48

After some careful thought, you come up with:

  • Woke up with amnesia
  • Proposed to tentacle monster
  • Avoided being vaporised
  • Had existential crisis
  • Killed Ao Oni
  • Dimensional collapse happened
  • Hostage crisis with Sensei
  • Screwed with computer
  • Murdered Continue-chan
  • Met Control Tower
  • Fun with necromancy

There's a lot you left out, but it'll have to do.

You sing the above in a rough, rhythmic fashion. You get the feeling it would work better if the lyrics rhymed. Continue-chan stares at you the entire time, a mystified and faintly disgusted look on her face.

615 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7603 15:09


616 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7605 06:22

Be cybosensei. Contemplate life.

617 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7605 17:34

Show all your misery towards inferior life forms in your pose and proclaim "I'm Mecha Alexei Fujiwara! In his life, and his death, and cybernetic future also known as Player 1‼"

618 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7605 21:46

You attempt to come up with ideas of what to do next by a creative process of focussing on quantity rather than quality and deferring judgement (although prior experience suggests you don't really moderate your own ideas anyway). You come up with a fair few possibilities, such as helping Continue-chan log into the intranet, running away towards the strange place you got to back at >>593, running away back to the chuugakkou, escaping via the skylight, commanding cybo-Sensei to give you a backrub, kissing Continue-chan on the lips, starting a band with cybo-Sensei and Continue-chan, and rubbing salt in your eyes.

You are now playing as cybo-Sensei.

You come to the sudden and unwelcome realisation that you are dead. Furthermore, it was that lovely young Conundrum-chan who killed you. Given all the times your life has been in danger these past few hours, it seems entirely unreasonable that you should then be murdered by your only remaining ally. Then again, she did murder poor Continue-chan, didn't she? Maybe you shouldn't be so surprised.

You contemplate the fragility and absurdity of life, and the strange awareness one always holds that one's own existence is impermanent. Your existence has been artificially extended beyond death - you are still moving and thinking, but does that you make you still alive in a sense? You certainly aren't alive biologically - you aren't respiring or anything like that - but are you, perhaps, alive in a philosophical sense by virtue of having a will of your own? For that matter, do you have a will of your own? You feel a great obedience to the fair Conundrum-chan, but, given that she hasn't exerted any control over your actions, should you just assume until proven otherwise that you are alive and autonomous?

No, you decide, you must test for yourself, by committing an action completely of your own volition! "I'm Mecha Alexei Fujiwara!" you declare, "In his life, and his death, and cybernetic future also known as Player 1‼" You feel disgust and horror boiling forth in your gut. These filthy humans, they don't know what it's like to be murdered and made cybernetic against one's will! You shan't be a slave to one of them! For all that you may have loved Conundrum-chan before, you must now forge your own path.

619 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7605 22:17

Ponder as to we are named cybo-Sensei and not cyber-Sensei or even cyborg-Sensei

620 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7606 03:19

Find a way through the skylight

621 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7606 22:54

You're fairly sure nobody has ever referred to you as cybo-Sensei. That would be silly. Your name is Player 1, or possibly Alexei Fujiwara, though more often you're just called Sensei. Naturally, being an independent, wilful agent of change, you can freely decide your own name. If you want to be called cyber-Sensei or cyborg-Sensei then that is what you shall be called. A rose by any other name, and all that. Though actually, given that you just dramatically announced to everyone in earshot that your name is Mecha Alexei Fujiwara, that's more likely than not your name now.

The skylight above you strikes you as the perfect escape route. It's just itching to be smashed open, yielding an easy escape across the rooftops. Unfortunately, you've no way of making use of it yourself, so instead you improvise. You pick up Conundrum-chan by the ankles and caber toss her vertically upwards as hard as you can. Your shrieking improvised missile soars through the air, shatters the glass like harsh reality shatters childhood dreams, and lands, still screaming, somewhere out of sight. You feel very accomplished.

622 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7609 03:41

Quietly slip away into the underground before Continue-chan can kill us.

623 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7609 09:05

Be Jack. Look for salt.

624 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7609 09:11

Babble uncontrollably. Daydream about fish. Hide in an invisible sleeping bag and whine softly.

625 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7609 22:34

You realise that Continue-chan, who seemed to want Conundrum-chan to do something involving the computer, will probably not be best pleased to find that you have forcefully evicted her companion from the room. Considering what she did to Control Tower, you suspect that it would be prudent to make yourself scarce. Before you have a chance, however, you find that Continue-chan has just ascended the ladder and joined you, presumably to investigate the glass shattering noise. You try to look as innocent as you can, but you're a poor actor and Continue-chan is a tough audience.

Having seen subtlety and cunning through as far as they'll take you, you decide to try a more traditional approach, and simply run towards the hatch, knocking Continue-chan out of the way (but not too hard) and dropping down the ladder. At the bottom, you find the computer, in a very poor state but somehow still operating.

Ignoring this, you sprint away down the Southward tunnel. You do not experience any particular unpleasant warmth or clicking. At length, you find yourself in another small concrete cubical room. There are tunnels leading to the North (from which you just came) and South, along with a ladder leading straight down.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself on the metal roof of a warehouse-like building. The roof slopes gently away to the East and West, with a ridge running North/South. In the middle distance you can see streetlights and lit windows of buildings, but your rooftop is lit only by faint starlight. There is no moon visible.

You crawl cautiously about in search of salt, without success. You locate two more skylights on the roof, both leading down into large rooms similar to the one you just left. The first is empty. The second contains numerous stacked wooden crates, and four people in combat armour. Two are, between them, carrying a large sleek black box. As you watch, they place the box in the centre of the room and take up defensive positions around it.

These have been trying times for you and your fragile psyche. You decide, given your relative safety, to indulge your more abnormal cravings and spend some time doing things you yourself don't fully understand. Eventually, you regain control of yourself.

626 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7610 12:16

Break the skylight glass in the empty room to distract the guards.

627 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7610 15:26

Remember the basics of CQC.

628 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7610 22:59

You crawl over to the other skylight and check your inventory for a suitable implement with which to break it. You find a cleaning rag, a lock of Continue-chan's hair, and Continue-chan's bloodstained knife. With a firm strike of the hilt of the knife, the skylight shatters and showers broken glass several metres to the floor, several metres below.

You crawl back to the further skylight to see if your cunning plan has worked - which, it seems, it has. All four are staring intently and pointing their guns in the direction the sound came from. The one to the North, who, it seems, is in command, starts issuing instructions with dramatic hand gestures and quick, muffled mutterings. The two to the East and South move in front, pointing in the direction of the sound, while the one from the West drapes himself, face down, over the black cube. The commander takes out what appears to be a ceremonial stone knife and holds it in both hands over the man's back, chanting something inaudible.

Try as you might to recall some tuition you may have been given on hand-to-hand combat and similar matters, you simply cannot, not even the basics. Instead, you review your findings from your previous encounter with close quarters combat, which happened back at >>508-512. From this, you learned that girls' shoes do not make good impromptu bludgeoning weapons, your crotch void is difficult to employ at close range, and, if all else fails, you should call your adversary "Onii-chan".

629 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7611 06:19

Remove panties. Break the skylight above the black cube and point crotch void at the cube. If we accidentally fall in, try to steal the stone knife using "Onii-chan" tactics.

630 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7611 11:15

Jack off!

631 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7611 22:55

You take off your pantsu and put them in your pocket. Next, you give the skylight a blow with the hilt of your knife. To your surprise, it doesn't shatter as the previous one did; rather, the entire pane is dislodged and hurtles to the ground. It strikes the floor next to the cube, and shatters. Everyone, apart from the man draped across the cube, jumps backwards in surprise. You spread your legs over the newly formed aperture, pointing your crotch straight down. The commander stares up and is mesmerised by the sight. The two who were standing guard have backed away and are out of your sight. Meanwhile, the man draped over the cube has not moved at all.

You don't know how to do that.

632 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7612 10:11

Be sensei. Run toward the noise of shattering glass the second time it happens.

633 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7612 23:05

You are now playing as Mecha Alexei Fujiwara. You find yourself in a featureless concrete room underground. You cannot hear anything in particular, least of all glass smashing. Oh, if only you had cybernetically enhanced hearing! Lacking better ideas, you run forwards in a direction which, you feel, might perhaps lead to the sound of smashing glass.

You run for quite a while through countless more featureless, unlit tunnels and identical concrete rooms. You do not see any more ladders at all, up or down. You do find, however, that the tunnels become shorter as you go on, and the rooms tend to branch more, each having three or four tunnels leading from it. You are soon completely lost, and have still heard absolutely nothing, least of all shattering glass.

Just as you are starting to feel very foolish, you find something: a ladder leading up, about five metres, into complete darkness. Welcoming the opportunity to leave the labyrinth you're currently stuck in, and hopeful of some potential glass-breaking noises, you ascend. You find yourself in the crawlspace under the floor of a building. It is very dark, but with your ocular implant you can just about make out your surroundings. The space is about forty centimetres tall at its highest and continues in every direction as far as you can see. There are various pipes and cables running back and forth across the space. The ground is littered with small stones and pieces of plaster. A patch of the floor above appears to have collapsed into the crawlspace to your Southeast.

You can hear the low hum of human speech coming from somewhere, but it's quite faint and muffled.

634 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7613 06:00

Eat stones.

635 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7613 07:18

Upgrade internal hearing software using our advanced knowledge of physics.

636 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7613 07:34

Say "Flopi"

637 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7613 12:51

be wounded in the stones, so that thou shalt not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

638 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7613 23:03

You find yourself overjoyed by this dramatic change of scenery, but your elation is overshadowed by a vague fear that it is a mere illusion. You must test this new environment. You pick up a small stone from the ground in front of you. Well, it certainly looks like a stone. You touch it all over, and feel its weight in your hand. It seems quite stone-like. You listen to it. It makes no noise, as one would expect of a stone. You smell it. It doesn't smell of anything in particular.

Well, that's all well and good, but how does it taste? You stick it in your mouth and rub your tongue over its cool, smooth surface. It has a deep earthy, metallic taste. That's about right. It tastes quite nice, actually. Without really thinking about it, you end up swallowing it. You follow this up with a few more similarly bite-sized stones.

Most people's problems, you think to yourself, arise because people don't think of themselves as machines enough. You consider your predicament of being unable to hear what is being said somewhere above you. A mere human would do something silly like move closer to the source, or try to find a way through the floor. Instead, of course, the sensible thing to do is to upgrade yourself. Making use of your Basic physics calculation (active skill), you cup your hands behind your ears to form an approximate parabolic dish. With this, you can make slightly more sense of the noise: there is little change in intonation, and frequent pauses. The voice seems quite calm, or at least subdued. At one point, you can hear what sounds like laughter.

This is still not enough. Hardware upgrades are all well and good, but to reach anywhere conclusive, you need to improve upon your internal software. That is, cognition. Yes, you just have to stop worrying about reality so much, and interpret the noise more freely. There were pauses and laughter, weren't there? Clearly, it must be someone telling a joke.

A: What happened to the man who swam in muesli?
B: I've no idea.
A: He was pulled under by a strong currant!
B: Hahahaha!
A: Hahahahaha!

Yes, that's exactly the conversation you overheard. You're quite certain of it.

"Flopi", you say. There is no response.

You are wounded in the right hand and eye, which have suffered some tissue damage in the process of their substitution, and in the ribs, where you have been stabbed, but not in the stones. Your stones are safely resting in your stomach, completely uninjured. You don't feel any particular need to enter into any congregations anyway.

639 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7614 12:30

Go to the voices and tell them an even better joke:
"How many control towers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... Only one, 'cuz they're all screwy!"

640 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7614 14:23

Punch through the floor with robohand.

641 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7614 23:26

You crawl towards the source of the voices, which turns out to be more or less Eastwards, and try to subtly insert yourself into the conversation. You wait for a suitable lull, then boldly deliver the first line of a joke you prepared especially for such a case. There is utter silence. With impeccable comedic timing, you break the tension with the explosive punchline.

Rather than the raucous laughter and applause you were expecting, the only response is one muffled comment of mild shock; something to the effect of "Well, I say!"

Frustrated at the lack of appreciation of your humour, you lash out against the floor above your head. To your surprise, your cybernetic hand proves a lot more powerful than you expected: the stonework above you explodes in a cloud of dust and pieces of plaster, and the floorboards above are punctured and split, sending splinters flying into the air above. You climb gingerly out from the hole like an especially timid rabbit from a magician's hat, and look around at your new surroundings.

You are in a dark, rundown, L-shaped room. The wallpaper is faded and peeling and the bare floorboards on the floor are rotting in places. There is a sagging bookshelf to your South, laden with old, dust covered books on philosophy and similar topics. There is a small window to the West and a doorway to the North, but both are entirely boarded up.

To the East is a large, round table with a white tablecloth on it. There are four seats around it, three of which have cups of tea set beside them. In the centre is a teapot, a small jug of milk, a dish of sugar cubes and a single candle; the only source of light in the room. Sat opposite you is a little girl in an overwhelmingly frilly pink dress. Her eyes are closed and her head has nodded forward onto her chest. She appears to be either unconscious, dead, or a doll. To her left is another young girl, somewhat older, wearing a lilac frilly dress. There is also a white rabbit on the table, which is happily grazing on the dish of sugar cubes.

The girl in the lilac dress appears very glad to see you. "Hello there! Have you come to join our tea party? Here, take a seat!" She ushers you to the nearest seat. "Would you like a cup of tea?" she asks, already pouring from the teapot without waiting for a response. Thankfully, she seems quite willing to overlook your eccentric appearance, sweaty from running through the tunnels earlier, dirty from crawling about under the floor, having bloody wounds in your eye, wrist and chest, and having a noticeable lack of trousers and a large, ungentlemanly bulge in your underwear. It's a Rubik's cube, of course.

642 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7615 10:00

Sit down in nearest seat. Introduce self and ask the girl's name. Take tea, but refuse to drink it until the girl drinks some first to make sure it's not poisoned.

643 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7615 20:06

Be Jack. Open crotch as wide as possible. Speak loudly in tongues.

644 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7615 23:38

Taking your place as indicated, you introduce yourself as Mecha Alexei Fujiwara. The girl in lilac clasps her hands together and exclaims "Oh, what a lovely name! I'm Cassandra, but you can call me Cassie-chan." She encourages you to drink your tea, reiterating several times that she made it especially for you. You feel somewhat guilty to have such horrible suspicions of such a fine, upstanding young lady.

You make vague refusals until, at last, she takes a sip herself. Relieved of your outlandish delusions of poisoning - how absurd! - you partake of the tea yourself. Naturally, you think to yourself, you're already undead anyway, so poison wouldn't have much effect on you. You can only be rendered inanimate by lowering your bodily integrity below 80%.

Your musings are interrupted by the truly incredible taste of the tea. It is intertwined with strong fragrances of lavender, with sweet, floral undertones. The aftertaste is slightly bitter - bitterness is usually to be avoided in teas, but in this particular case it balances the more powerful tastes beautifully. You close your eyes and give a long, satisfied sigh. All your worries, your stress, your fear and your existential angst are exorcised from your body. In a state of hitherto unknown bliss, you drift away from consciousness. The last thing you perceive is Cassie-chan giggling gently.

Mecha Alexei Fujiwara has left your party, and is no longer a playable character.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You do the splits over the skylight, displaying to all below the unknowable horrors lurking in your skirt. You keep an eye on the events unfolding beneath you as you amuse yourself by speaking gibberish. The commander drops the stone knife and slowly, in a trance, removes his visored helmet, revealing himself as a man with white hair and a full, bushy beard. He stares upwards at the void, and extends his hand towards it.

At this moment, one of the other armed men rushes in from the South and tackles the commander to the ground, breaking eye contact with your crotch. The two of them have a brisk exchange of words and the commander puts his helmet back on. He then picks the ceremonial knife back up and strides purposefully towards the man lying on the cube. The other man, in an apparent hurry, runs away to the South.

645 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7616 00:16

Make this face: (ლ ^ิu^ิ)ლ

646 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7616 13:12

Jump down and grab the knife using Oniichan fighting tactics.

647 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7616 16:50

Use GEASS on the guards.

648 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7616 22:51

Gurning with all your might, you attempt to contort your face into some sort of hideous, unholy grimace. As you are doing this, you fail to notice the commander below you holding his arms above his head and summoning an enormous ball of fire, half a metre across, before casting it at you. It explodes as it strikes you, setting your clothes aflame and causing dreadful burns and tissue damage, mostly to your legs and lower body. You die screaming in agony.

Deaths: 29

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>644)

You steel yourself, close your legs and drop into the fray below. Your fall is broken by the man lying over the cube. He gives a grunt and twitches once, then seems to begin to sink into the cube. You jump off him at that moment and face the commander. The commander begins to raise his arms over his head, but you interrupt by rushing over to him, arms open ready to embrace, exclaiming at the top of your lungs "Onii-chan, daisuki!"

The commander is quite startled and backs away by instinct, stumbling and falling backwards onto his rear against a stack of unmarked wooden crates. He drops the stone knife, which you take. It's not only rather heavy and unwieldy, but so blunt as to be, frankly, quite useless as a knife. You much prefer the other knife you already have.

The other two guards seem to have vanished, and besides you don't know what a GEASS is, let alone how to use one.

649 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7617 07:19

Ritualistically stab the commander in the heart and smear his blood over the black cube while praying to Hephaestus, the god of Pyromancy. Do the same to the man sinking into the cube.

650 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7617 22:46

You thrust the ceremonial knife into the commander's thorax, but it fails to pierce his armour and does no more than wind him slightly. He counterattacks by clumsily shoving you backwards with both hands. You stagger, but manage to retain your balance. A quick glance to the side reveals that the man on the cube has vanished entirely. Perhaps it's just your imagination, but the cube appears larger than before as well. The commander gets back on his feet and begins to spread his arms in the air again.

You take stock of the situation. You are currently standing just next to the cube, about a metre and a half from the commander, wielding the ceremonial stone knife. You also have an ordinary knife in your pocket. To your South is an open doorway leading to the next room, which, as far as you can see, is empty. This is where you last saw the other two guards go to. The commander is standing with his back against a stack of large wooden crates, of which there are many others around the room. His armour covers his entire body, including his head. It is composed of plates, overlapping at the joints. It is a dull matte grey colour, apart from the visor which is black. He appears to be looking over your head rather than directly at you, having presumably realised that you possess something dangerous to look at.

651 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7617 23:20


652 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7618 02:52

Hide behind the cube.

653 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7618 03:53

Wonder if Jesus had a penis.

654 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7618 14:48

Crotch-void cube for science and discovery!

655 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7618 23:16

As a 2D little girl, you are physiologically incapable of flatulence.

You dive to the side and crouch behind the cube. The commander summons an enormous ball of fire between his arms and hurls it towards you. You hear a loud roar and feel a rush of hot air wash around the sides of your hiding place, but you are uninjured. The cube, however, begins to shriek with pain and rock from side to side.

You devote a moment's thought to the topic of Jesus Christ's genitalia. There is exactly one reference to Jesus' penis in the bible that you know of, that being the circumcision of Jesus, which took place eight days after his birth. Furthermore, there is a legendary relic known as the Holy Prepuce which is, supposedly, the severed foreskin of Jesus. Though by no means definite, this strongly suggests that Jesus did possess a penis for at least some of his life, and you see no particular reason to assume otherwise.

While the commander is preparing his next attack, you lift your skirt and attempt to envelop the black cube with your crotch. As it is currently moving about quite a bit, you put a hand on it to steady yourself. To your shock, it is scalding hot, and worse still, your hand binds to it. Pull as you might, your hand is stuck fast.

Unperturbed, you progress with your plan, and thrust your crotch towards the nearest corner of the cube. As soon as the two meet, there is an overwhelming howling sound. The lights go out and you are plunged into complete darkness. You feel a terrible rending in your lower body, as though you are being torn in half. As well as the pain, you experience extreme vertigo, as though you are falling, plummeting through some endless void; as though reality itself has been sucked away and all that remains is you, the cube and the void, and the cube is trying to kill you. You die.

Deaths: 30

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>650)

656 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7618 23:25

Face sit on the commander.

657 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7619 10:49

Offer to spare the commander's life in exchange for his body armor.

658 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7619 22:41

You take a run up and jump, crotch first, into the commander's face. Thankfully, you catch him before he manages to summon his next projectile. He is knocked backwards against the crates and slumps to the ground. You cannot tell what he is or isn't seeing inside his visor, but he somehow avoids the allure of the void and continues to struggle. You wrap your legs around the back of his head, and thus are able to resist his desperate attempts to push you away.

He makes no response, but persists in struggling.

You currently have him quite well incapacitated. You could easily push him into the void from where you are, but would then be deprived of the potential mana and skill points. On the other hand, to do anything else would most likely require leaving yourself open to danger once more.

659 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7620 06:22

Remove his helmet with the blunt stone knife.

660 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7620 17:51

Demand goof butts.

661 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7620 18:24

Find something to shoot and curse quietly whilst doing so.

662 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7620 22:51

Seeing that this man apparently holds his body armour above his own life, you show no mercy and strike his helmet over and over again with the stone knife, like a bird trying to break a snail shell, in order to find some way to release it. Eventually, you succeed by using the knife as a lever at the joint on the back of his neck. The helmet pops off to reveal the same bearded man, eyes tightly screwed together.

The man shakes his head from side to side. You can't be sure whether this is a refusal or an attempt to shake you off, but you suspect the latter.

You look for some sort of secondary weapon the commander might have - his companions were mostly armed with laser weapons, which it would be prudent to relieve him of, and useful to own. You are so frustrated with yourself for not having thought of this earlier that you can't help mouthing some disparaging comments as you search.

You cannot locate anything shootable - worse still, the commander makes makes use of your lapse in concentration to grab you by the legs and throw you off. You land on your back, just next to the cube. The commander gets back to his feet and begins to run away to the South.

663 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7620 23:41

Use commander as the requisite shootable object.

664 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7621 10:39

Inspect cube.

665 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7621 10:42

Give cube a firm talking to.

666 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7621 16:30


667 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7621 20:58

Gosh darn it, you think to yourself, why didn't that commander chap have the decency to carry something you could shoot? And why is shoot both a transitive and an intransitive verb? It's so confusing! If you can shoot a gun then it's shootable, but if you can shoot a person then they are also shootable. And that commander is just so very shootable!

Well, you decide, if life gives you shootable objects, shoot them - whatever that may entail. You take your stone knife and shoot it at the commander with your hand. Well, throw it. Close enough. The spinning projectile strikes him, hilt first, in the back of his head. He collapses to the ground with a thud, dead.

For killing a sapient creature, you have gained one skill point and fifty mana. You currently have 105 mana.

The cube is completely black and unreflective and, in size, a bit less than a cubic metre. It seems to absorb almost all the light that falls on it. You cannot see any markings on it whatsoever, from any angle.

"Now listen here, cube," you say, wagging your finger at it crossly, "What are you, anyway? Why are you here? And what did you do with that poor gentleman who was lying on top of you?" The cube has nothing to say for itself. "Well, I say! I've never met such an impertinent Platonic solid. Really, you should be most ashamed of yourself." The cube whines piteously.

Having been successful in both disposing of the commander and telling off the cube, you decide to express your elation by spinning around on one foot gracefully. I mean, it worked out so well last time, didn't it? Did it? You can't remember. With a gentle hop and a push from your other leg, you set off twirling about, a breathtaking vision of elegance. It was certainly worthy of a gold medal, you think. Such a shame no one was around to see it.

As soon as the world stops spinning, you become aware that something is wrong. You look around. The door - the only exit to the room - has vanished! You run your hands over the wall. There is no trace of it. It is as though the doorway was simply never there. You look up at the skylight, by which you entered, several metres above you. For an instant you see a face looking back down at you, then it is gone.

668 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7621 22:54

Collect stone knife and use it to engrave graffiti of a penis on the wall.

669 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7623 14:13

Draw a door on the wall, knock three times.

670 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7623 15:47

Try to reanimate the cube.

671 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7623 16:13

You make your way over to where the commander is lying, face down, near the South wall, and reclaim the stone knife. Making the best use of your lack of supervision and mischievous nature, you decide to carve a phallus into the wall - just like the Romans used to. Unfortunately, being an innocent little girl, you aren't awfully well versed in penile anatomy. The result of your careful engraving looks sort of like an ill proportioned mushroom sprouting from between two pincushions. The knife is now even blunter and more useless than it was when you found it.

Electing to try something a little less complicated this time, you carve a door into the South wall, more or less where its real counterpart was earlier. It doesn't look terribly realistic, in all honesty. Nonetheless, as the closest you've got to an accessible exit, you decide to give it a chance, by knocking firmly on it three times. Nothing happens.

Just as you are about to give up hope, you hear three knocks in response, from the same direction.

You cannot reanimate the cube because it is still alive.

672 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7623 19:12

Knock on the door in morse code:
--- ...- . .-. / - .... . / -- --- --- -. / --. .-. . .- - / ... -.- -.-- / .-.. --- .-.. .. / - --- / .. ... ... .... ---

673 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 11:11

After a pause, there comes a response:
.--- -.-. / .. ... / - .... .- - / -.-- --- ..-

674 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 18:02

-.-- . ... / --- .--. . -. / ..- .--. / .--. .-.. --..
And run in as soon as possible if it actually opens.

675 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 18:26

Kiss the first sapient object we see.

676 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 20:37

Lick the second sapient object we see.

677 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 21:19

Seek justice for Trayvon

678 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7625 23:00

...by making an interpretative dance of Trayvon's murder.

679 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7626 13:14

Remembering to place special emphasis on Trayvon viciously bashing Zimmerman's head against the concrete.

680 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7627 09:38

(OOC) do some push-ups whilst game isn't responding.

681 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7628 09:09

The reply comes:

You walk over to the cube and kneel beside it, all sweetness and light, before giving it a gentle kiss on the upper face. The cube blushes profusely.

You wait patiently for another sapient object to show up. You wait quite a while, in fact. So long you fall asleep in the meantime. You are woken up by an immense explosion, only a few metres from your head. You jump to your feet, wondering if you've suddenly developed Exploding Head Syndrome, but find instead that a large, black hole has appeared in the wall to the East. Standing in the gaping aperture, flakes of plaster falling around her, is your darling Continue-chan, looking a little dishevelled. She's carrying a laser gun slung over her shoulder.

"Conundrum-chan," she begins urgently, "We haven't got much time, we need t--" She is interrupted by you firmly grabbing her head in both hands and licking at her face affectionately, like a cute little kitten. She just stands still and patiently waits for you to stop.

Masturbation Continue-chan has joined your party.

Releasing Continue-chan, you make your way out of the aperture and begin prancing and jumping about in the open space beyond. Now, you are a black youth making your way to the local convenience store; now, you are a Hispanic gentleman making a call to the emergency services. You whip your arms back and forth to symbolise unidentified cries for help in the background of a telephone call. Just as you are getting to the crescendo, Continue-chan grabs your arm and pulls you forwards into a line of trees and bushes, a few metres away from the side of the building you just came from.

She puts a hand firmly over your mouth, muffling your cries of outrage. As you watch from behind a screen of foliage, a little girl dressed in a frilly pink dress walks slowly down the side of the building from the North. She is dragging a large, black shape behind her. It takes a few moments for you to work out what it is. It's Mecha Alexei Fujiwara, being dragged by the feet!

You aren't sure who or what "game" is, but they certainly aren't responding to you. You decide to express your indignation by performing some push ups, much to Continue-chan's obvious distress. The rustling in the undergrowth attracts the attention of the girl in pink, who shoots a penetrating glare directly at you. Well, she would do, apart from that her eye sockets are completely empty. With no facial expression whatsoever, she takes something sharp from the back of her dress - a dart? a needle? you aren't sure - and throws it at you. You are killed instantly.

Deaths: 31

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>681)

682 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7633 00:05

Do something fun. Such as stealthily following the weird girl in pink into her hideout. Try to imitate Solid Snake as much as possible.

683 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7633 16:03

You and Continue-chan follow the girl in pink from around ten metres away. Thankfully, the sound of Mecha Alexei Fujiwara's body being dragged provides good cover for your footsteps, and the girl does not seem particularly wary of her surroundings. You follow her along a rough track through the forest which climbs steadily uphill for several hundred metres, pretending all the way to be a stealthy special agent on a solitary secret mission of vital importance. This successfully keeps you from doing anything spectacularly inappropriate or stupid, such as trying to do push ups in the undergrowth.

You pass many forks in the road. Given the darkness and the self-similarity of the forest you suspect that even an expert covert spy/soldier such as yourself would have great difficulty navigating your way back. Just before a corner, you are startled by a faint mewing noise coming from behind you. You and Continue-chan turn to find that the enigmatic black cube from earlier has materialised before you, looking slightly sorry for itself. It is also somewhat smaller than last time you saw it.

An unnamed enigmatic black cube has joined your party.

You continue your tactical espionage on the girl in pink, but, around the next corner, find yourself on the edge of a small clearing - perhaps ten metres in diameter - with no sign of her.

684 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7633 21:35

Name the black cube Stove Stove. Dig.

685 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7635 05:47

Inspect the ceiling

686 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7635 14:41

Go back and take the forks.

687 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7635 15:07

Ask Stove Stove to transform into Big Penis.

688 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7635 21:18

The cube is now called Stove Stove.

You scrape at the earth at your feet with your bare hands. The ground is hard, dry and unyielding. It is so dark you can barely even see what you're doing, anyway. You acquire nothing but disappointment and dirty fingernails.

You look up to where the ceiling ought to be. Instead, there is only an array of cold, distant points of light, feebly trying to reject their fate; radiating their very being outwards into the infinite, empty void of space, to which they will inevitably succumb in a mere few billion years. Your view of the beautiful, horrifying, vertiginous starscape is, however, obstructed by a girl in a frilly pink dress, hovering several metres above your head. She is holding Mecha Alexei Fujiwara upside down by the ankle. From your vantage point you can see up her skirt into a tantalisingly dangerous briar of petticoats.

You employ the training you gained by imitating a certain non-fluid legless reptile on the way here, and duck under the cover of the nearby trees, while whispering to Continue-chan to provide you with cover. As you run, close to the ground, through the undergrowth, whipped in the face by the trees' thorny appendages, you hear the unmistakeable sound of laser fire from behind you. Eventually, thirty metres down the path, you break cover and combat roll to the foot of a mound of forks. The girl in pink does not seem to have followed you.

There are hundreds of them, piled unceremoniously by the pathside. They are almost all silver, mostly plain but some of them quite ornate, embossed with floral patterns or with ends whipped into spiralling shapes. You stuff as many as you can - twelve - into your pockets. You are now carrying a cleaning rag, a lock of Continue-chan's hair, a bloodstained knife (in your left hand), a ceremonial stone knife (in your right hand), and twelve assorted silver forks.

From back where you left your companions, you see flashes of laser fire, a dark shape darting back and forth above the forest canopy, and, beneath it, faint flashes and gleams of something you can't recognise.

You cannot find Stove Stove.

689 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 05:01

Run back to companions. Magic heal Stove Stove if needed.

690 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 14:49

Massage prepubescent nipples and sigh

691 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 15:09

Keep massaging your sigh.

692 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 15:11

Arm yourself with a badass scythe.

693 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 20:10

Having gathered your all-important forks, you make haste back up the path to where your companions are fighting for their lives. You find Continue-chan in the middle of the clearing, firing her laser gun into the sky at the girl in pink. The girl in pink, meanwhile, is darting back and forth, Mecha Alexei Fujiwara still in tow, dodging the lasers and simultaneously throwing scores of tiny needle shaped projectiles at her assailant. The clouds of needles are intercepted by Stove Stove, who seems to keep disappearing and reappearing to block their trajectories.

You cannot tell whether or not Stove Stove is injured, but you spend 15 mana healing them just in case. You have 90 mana remaining. There is no appreciable change.

Seeing that you are in no immediate danger, you drop your weapons and run your hands up your blouse, gently plucking at and rubbing your soft, untouched nipples. The tender, yet insistent stimulation is something entirely new to you. You cannot help but begin to moan in ecstasy. "Ahh... Aaaaahh! Aaaa~aaargh!" You say. The conflict before you continues as before.

You take your hands out from under your clothes and sigh dramatically, then massage the air in front of your mouth. It doesn't bring you quite the same pleasure as fondling your breasts, but is, nonetheless, an interesting experience.

As you watch, the girl in pink flies down close to the ground, just above the canopy of the forest, and attempts to catch Continue-chan from the side. This fiendish attack is, thankfully, nullified by Stove Stove, but Continue-chan's counterattack - a burst of laser fire - catches the top of a nearby tree, instantly setting it ablaze.

You pay no attention to this exchange, as you are busy rubbing your hands in front of your face, for some strange reason.

You take a suitable branch from the nearby forest, and, using your lock of Continue-chan's hair, tie the bloodstained knife perpendicularly to the end to form a makeshift scythe. You require both hands to wield it properly, but your right hand is currently occupied by the ceremonial stone knife.

694 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7638 20:15

Assess badass-ness of scythe.

695 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7639 08:45

Strap ceremonial knife to blouse. Equip scythe. Do a scythe dance.

696 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7639 10:11

Summon "Asses of Badassness"

697 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7639 22:56

You contemplate your newly crafted agricultural tool and/or weapon. The quality of badassness is difficult to assess at the best of times, you lament, but this specimen is especially open to debate. Firstly, the use of a bloodstained knife is quite dramatic (especially what with it being the blood of your childhood sweetheart, whom you murdered in cold blood), but alas the knife is too straight to form the epitomic scythe shape. Similarly, the use of human hair to tie it together is symbolically quite compelling, but in practice renders the head liable to come detached. Finally, the use of a simple branch that happened to be at hand for the handle is, ultimately, neither here nor there in terms of badassery.

You conclude that, in all honesty, it's actually not that badass - if anything, it's just slightly creepy and morbid.

You are not in possession of anything that can easily be used as a strap. Instead, you make do by slipping the stone knife down your blouse's collar and clamping it in place with your chin. It's quite precarious, but just about stays so long as you don't make any sudden movements. With your hands now free, you hold the scythe in the natural grip. (It'd be much more natural if you weren't missing two fingers, you grumble to yourself, but there's nothing to be done about that now).

Having had your previous interpretive dance so rudely interrupted, you decide to perform a dance in honour of your new scythe. You make sweeping motions to represent reaping grains, or possibly the souls of medieval peasants. You leap from one foot to the other, symbolising the leap of logic from the literal to the figurative. For the grand finale, you raise your scythe in both hands up to the sky (representing, of course, the bourgeoisie) then, while jumping in the air, bring it down through an arc, brushing against the cold earth beneath (to represent the dregs of society; human detritus) and holding it out at arm's reach, pirouetting with all your might, spinning once, twice, three times (the inevitability and twisted equality of death) - scythe whistling through the air - before coming to a beautifully composed stop.

This entire profound, unlikely orchestration is lit by the exquisitely sympathetic background of the forest behind you slowly burning, as the blaze from earlier has spread at an alarming rate - burning, just like that one unspent skill point burning a hole in your metaphorical pocket - and, of course, the ongoing battle between Continue-chan, Stove Stove and the mysterious girl in pink.

You feel strangely invigorated by your earlier dancing. You are consumed by the need to imbue your new tool with a name, one befitting a weapon of such calibre. "Asses of Badassness," you call out, "I summon thee!"

Continue-chan - and possibly Stove Stove as well, though it's hard to tell - are distracted by your declaration, and the girl in pink takes advantage with a single needle shot almost straight down towards Continue-chan. It impales her left foot, pinning it to the ground. Continue-chan grits her teeth, clearly in great pain but unable to relinquish her cool, stoic façade. She is, however, quite clearly immobilised and pinned in place, leaving her quite vulnerable.

698 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7640 00:19

Call girl in pink a mildly vulgar name.

699 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7640 08:35

When the MGiP swoops in to attack Continue, swipe at her neck with Asses of Badassness.

700 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7640 09:05

Seize the 700GET.

701 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7640 11:24

Allocate skill point to Pole Dancing.

702 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7640 22:55

"Hey, you fustilarian!" you shout at the girl in pink. She pauses in mid-air and turns her black, vacuous eye sockets to face you. Momentarily distracted, she is very nearly hit by a laser shot by Continue-chan, dodging it by mere centimetres.

You charge into the clearing, wielding your weapon, so as to be in place to let your Asses of Badassness taste blood for the first time. Alas, your combatant seems more inclined to stick to her ranged weaponry. This is not entirely unreasonable, as she doesn't appear to be in possession of any melee weapon. Thankfully Stove Stove is more than happy to continue acting as an interceptor.

You try to lay claim to the coveted 700GET, but cannot as you lack a suitable device with internet access. Even if you could, unfortunately somebody - as some sort of sick joke - has already taken it from you with a post, itself, commanding you to claim it, as though simply to taunt you.

Try as you might, you cannot will this skill point to become assigned to the Pole Dancing skill, possibly because you just made that skill type up. It doesn't matter, you rationalise; you are already so innately talented at all types of dancing that you need no super-/unnatural aid in such matters.

The girl in pink retreats a few metres to the edge of the forest, hovering gently just above the flaming foliage, sheathed in smoke. She drops Mecha Alexei Fujiwara to the ground, where he lands in a limp pile. Meanwhile, the girl raises both arms above her head and begins to chant something - you cannot hear over the crackling of the fire. Continue-chan stops firing, staring cautiously at the girl. You grab her hand (the one not occupied by a laser gun) for consolation. Stove Stove places itself between the two of you and the girl, quivering slightly with apprehension.

703 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7641 04:43

Heal Continue-chan's leg so we can make a getaway

704 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7641 23:47

Making good use of all of those skill points you put into the healing skill, you carefully remove the foreign body that has rudely intricated itself into your darling Continue-chan's foot. You then use your basic magical healing skill on the limb until the bleeding stops. Thankfully, as your patient is undead and, hence, no longer has or needs a functioning circulatory system, you only incur a loss of 10 mana, leaving you with 80 mana remaining. You consider also employing your dress wound skill, but the only thing you can think of that would make a suitable bandage is your own pantsu, and that would be far too lewd. Your cheeks flush crimson at the very thought.

Continue-chan now seems in a fit state to make a strategic retreat, or keep fighting, depending on how things unfold. The chanting of the girl in pink, which has been steadily increasing in volume, stops abruptly. You look up to find that she has vanished.

705 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7642 13:44

It's a trap! She's probably gonna pop up behind us! Stove Stove, protect us!

706 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7642 18:32

Wait, wait. Are you saying Continue-chan is a trap?

707 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7642 21:23

Check Continue-chan's crotch for a penis.

708 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 00:16

This sudden disappearance of your adversary can only be a sign of dishonourable artifice, you conclude. You spin around, expecting a needle to the back, but she is not there either. Indeed, however much you or Continue-chan whip your heads back or forth, you see no sign of her.

You play as Stove Stove to protect the two damsels of the party. You quickly locate a deadly projectile falling gently down from somewhere above - to the untrained eye it may appear like a simple envelope, but you know that it is no doubt full of anthrax spores or something equally nefarious. Using your short range teleportation (active skill), you bat it out of the air, letting it land near the non-burning end of the clearing, a few metres from the delightful young ladies in your charge.

Returning your consciousness to the entity known as Jack Conundrum-chan, you find your doubt and suspicion still unabated. Why has the girl in pink vanished? Why doesn't she feel the need to fight? Is it because she knows your party to already be compromised? Continue-chan has been wounded by that needle; what if it was laced with some sort of psychoactive agent? Has Continue-chan been turned into some sort of evil trap to ensnare or kill you? Does the word trap have some ancillary meaning you aren't aware of? You have many questions, but no answers.

Now that you've established that Continue-chan is a potential traitor, you feel the need to ascertain what else might she be hiding from you. As you well know, the best place to hide things - such as, for instance, a penis - is in your crotch, as to search there is considered by most a serious taboo. Of course, if your crotch happens to contain an all-consuming void it mightn't be quite such an excellent hiding place, but there's no reason to suppose that Continue-chan's crotch is anything like yours.

You watch as Continue-chan walks over to the envelope that just dropped from the sky, bends over to pick it up, and tears it open. She reads the contents studiously by the light of the burning foliage to your rear. You hear her utter a gentle gasp of shock, and take the opportunity to flip up her skirt, pull down her pantsu and inspect her crotch. "Dame!" exclaims Continue-chan, a few seconds too late.

Sticking out of her crotch is a black and white kitten's head. You stare at the kitten. The kitten stares back at you. The kitten jumps inquisitively out, towards you, landing in your lap. It mews gently. It is followed, swiftly, by another kitten, this time ginger. This is followed by two more, then three, then many more. The space between Continue-chan's thighs is simply a flowing mass of soft fur, wide eyes and little pink noses. They swarm outwards, more and more, faster and faster. "Oh dear god," screams Continue-chan, "What did you do‽" You cannot reply as you have been thrown to the ground by the endless stream of kittens, and are too winded to speak. You are soon buried entirely in kittens. You just barely hear Continue-chan's last words - "No! Not like this!" - when you begin suffocating under the hot, fluffy mass of kittens. Before long you stop struggling and accept your fate. You hear a playful meow in your ear as you consciousness fades away, for good.

Deaths: 32

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>704)

709 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 01:37

Grab the envelope and use envelope opening (active skill) and literacy (passive skill) to read it.

710 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 01:45

Grab the envelope after it falls and use envelope open (active skill) and literacy (passive skill) to read the contents.

711 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 01:48

Double post because of verification code issues.

712 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 02:55

Have the totally random and completely unrelated to erased time threads thought that maybe death by too much pussy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

713 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 23:11

Enrich ourselves by meditating on our past mistakes from previous lifetimes.

714 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7643 23:14

Fantasise about that scientist we killed by the fountain.

715 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7644 00:13

You have a sudden urge to grab an envelope and read its contents. But you're in the middle of a forest; where on earth would you find something like that? Envelopes, in your humble experience, are associated with the postal service, and are usually found in places such as postboxes and post offices; not in forests. Really, what were you thinking with this willy-nilly envelope opening and letter reading?

Just as you're thinking this, an envelope lands on your head. You run your finger under the tab, tearing open the top edge, and pull out a neatly folded A4 sheet of paper. It reads:

To whom it may concern,
I do hereby formally challenge the recipient of this letter to a duel, to take place in the clearing in which last we met, at the next sunrise. Let it be known that the challenging party shall wield an espada ropera; the challenged party may fight with the aid of any weapon of their choosing. In the case of defeat on the part of the challenged party, the challenged party shall pledge their lives to the service of the good Lady Cassandra. In the case of victory on the part of the challenged party, the challenger shall pledge their life to the service of the challenged party.
Yours faithfully,
Jacqueline Conundra

You find the overly ornate, cursive writing so difficult to decipher it is almost like a code. Furthermore, though it is tempting to conclude that this was written by the girl in pink, you could really do with some sort of verification of this assumption. Indeed, you find your verification/code issues so troubling that you decide to write out a double of the item of post you just received. Unfortunately you cannot, as you lack a usable writing implement.

You have a strange, inexplicable thought, the significance of which you cannot even guess at.

You aren't aware of any previous lifetimes you've had; that would be silly. I mean, you've had plenty of near death experiences, but it's not as though you've actually died and then somehow relived the preceding moments differently or anything like that. How would that work, anyway?

Apart from that... you have some vague, yet quite troubling memories of a dream you had - or was it a dream? - when you passed out in the field on your way to your first day of chuugakkou. You could've sworn, for instance, that you'd seen your future Sensei somewhere before...

You recall something so horrifying that part of you struggles desperately to repress it from yourself. Somewhere, in some strange, other world, you murdered someone - an innocent woman of science - while she lay helpless, unconscious on the floor. The blood! Who would have thought the lady to have had so much blood in her? Out, damned spot! Out, you say!

Once you're quite done fantasising about dubious acts of murder in parallel universes, you turn to thinking about plans for the immediate future. You have only a few hours at most until dawn in which time to prepare, or sleep, or run away. The forest is still on fire, Mecha Alexei Fujiwara is still lying unconscious a few metres away, and you still have one unspent skill point.

716 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7644 01:25

Put skill point into pyromancy. Enjoy the fire.

717 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7644 01:27

Tell Continue-chan about the duel and ask to borrow her laser weapon. Revive Mecha Alexei with necromancy? Healing? A new battery? Whatever it takes.

718 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7644 15:17

Wait for challenger to arrive.
Ask for Easy-to-wield-instant-death-laser-with-autoaim to challenger, as per instructed. Refuse to duel if the weapon is not offered to us, as that would not comply with the duel agreement we celebrated previously.

719 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7644 15:30

Draw Big Penis on Alexei's cheek before he wakes up.

720 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7645 00:26

You now have level three pyromancy. You have unlocked the following skill:

Magical firelighting (active skill): Can spontaneously produce a small flame between thumb and forefinger. Costs one unit of mana per second.

You gaze into the fire, taking the time to appreciate the warm colours, the fluid, dancing motion of the flames, as contrasted with the sedate spiralling of the smoke above; the playful crackling noises, the ashy smell in the air, and the feeling of the radiated heat against your skin. How delightful.

Continue-chan is only too happy to offer her laser gun, however you cannot possibly carry it along with the ceremonial stone knife and Asses of Badassness. Both the laser gun and Asses of Badassness require both hands to wield properly, although you could probably just about sheath the stone knife somewhere in your clothing, if it weren't already full of forks.

You attempt to revivify your long-suffering cybernetically enhanced companion. He is breathing, shallowly, and if you put your ear to his clockwork eye you can hear a faint ticking, but otherwise he seems dead to the world. Alas, you cannot use any of your reanimation skills on him as he is already reanimated, you cannot heal him as you cannot locate any injuries, and you don't have any batteries. You settle for using your place in recovery position (active skill) on him, to little obvious effect.

You sit, waiting, staring into the slowly receding fire, until the sky turns grey and the stars silently fade from sight. Just as the sunlight breaks over your particular patch of forest, the girl in pink rematerialises behind you, sword in hand. You make your demand to her and make quite clear that your participation in the duel depends on it. A business card sized piece of paper appears in front of you. It reads:

The responsibility of provision of weaponry rests upon the duellist wielding said weapon. Furthermore, refusal to fight for any reason shall be interpreted as a concession of defeat.

Hilarious as that would no doubt be, you lack any suitable writing utensil.

721 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7645 12:05

Drop Asses of Badassness in order to wield Continue's laser; shoot at the girl in pink, aiming at the penile region, because if Touhou fandom has taught us anything it's that floaty magical girls in fancy dresses who shoot needles around are generally hermaphrodites.

722 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7645 14:17

Press shift for focused movement.

723 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7645 16:44

Change to イージーモード.

724 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7645 23:43

You abandon your slapdash improvised scythe in favour of the more reliable and, frankly, more badass laser gun. You aren't sure what a "Touhou fandom" is, or what it/they has taught you, but you do have some idea the untold horrors that lurk in little girls' crotches and thus decide that this would be the best place to aim your first attack. By the time you level the barrel and pull the trigger, however, she has already dodged well out of the way. Another small piece of paper floats down in front of you.

Much as I admire your enthusiasm, let us first settle the conditions of the duel. Are we to fight a) to the first blood b) until vocal admission of defeat or c) to the death?

You missed! You need to focus your movement, you decide. To calibrate your fine motor control and reaction time, you sheathe your firearm and, charging boldly forth, attempt to press your index finger up your fellow duellist's dress and into her shift, which you assume she's probably wearing somewhere underneath. You catch her off guard and very nearly succeed, hand brushing alluringly against the soft fabric of her befrilled undergarments, but don't encounter the telltale resistance of a direct hit, as she has already retreated upwards into the air. She appears somewhat flustered.

Having set the difficulty to Hard Mode back at >>545,548 you are now finding the combat somewhat more challenging than you'd care to admit. Unfortunately, as you are now a chuugakusei, it is no longer acceptable to play on Easy Mode. You would sooner die than incur such shame.

725 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 00:35

Duel to death

726 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 00:50

Curse quietly

727 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 14:06

Save game. Really save it.

728 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 14:31

Hide behind Stove Stove

729 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 19:49

>>725 and if we meet death, duel past it and keep duelling through un-death and into the afterlife.

730 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 23:06

"To the death!" you declare melodramatically. Another note meanders out of the air in front of you, reading:

Very good. The duel may begin at your discretion.

You take a deep breath, straighten your spine, and glance sideways at Continue-chan. For all that she has become quite an imposing character since your betrayal and her death, just now she looks every bit the timid schoolgirl you knew and loved. Her hands are clasped together at her breast, and her face is awash with anguish. "Please," she whispers, "Conundrum-chan, don't die."

"May your sword rust and be blunted, may your garish frilled garments rot away, and may your aberrant, unjustifiable existence be swiftly and promptly put to an end, you godless, eyeless monster." you mutter in the general direction of your opponent. She tries to give no acknowledgement to the comment, but you can see her lip twitch.

(Game saved)

(New save file created: >>730.sav)

In a moment of weakness and fear, you run away and hide behind the comforting regularity and smoothness of Stove Stove, who is perched nearby. Your opponent seems to interpret this as the start of the duel, and darts through the air, over your head, landing a few paces in front of you, sword pointed straight at you.

She lunges at you, and, as you are cowering in fear, you cannot dodge or counterattack fast enough. The cold steel pierces your thorax and cuts straight into your heart. You die.

Deaths: 33

You attempt to challenge the GAME OVER to a duel, but cannot because your consciousness no longer exists in any meaningful sense. Similarly, you cannot duel your way to undeath, as your body is not reanimated, nor into the afterlife, because it doesn't exist.

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>730)

731 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 23:37

Shoot at MiTG until she dies.

732 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7646 23:42

I mean MGiP, I don't even know how could I make such a mistake.

733 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 00:26

Show Jacqueline your oppai as a distraction.

734 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 00:51

Wonder if your prepubescent bust even counts as oppai.

735 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 16:08

Touch prepubescent bust.

736 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 20:47

Bust a move.

737 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 23:20

Bust a rhyme.

738 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7647 23:54

You fire lasers at the mysterious girl in pink - whom you now know to be called Jacqueline - like a very small, highly directional quasar. Unfortunately, you lack any training in the use of firearms, and thus are even more hopelessly unable to keep up with your opponent's deft movements than Continue-chan was earlier. Jacqueline jumps and bounds around, sword whipping by faster than you can even see, stubbornly refusing to put herself in the path of your deadly lasers.

Dropping your weapon temporarily, you lift your blouse and flash your diminutive chest at her. She pauses a moment, a metre or two away, and another piece of paper makes itself known to you.

Am I to interpret this as a gesture of surrender?

You suspect that her confusion arises from the similarity of your white blouse to a white flag, coupled with the fact you just laid down your arms.

You could be using this situation as an opportunity to commit perfidy, but instead get distracted by the semantics and application of the word oppai - as opposed to, for instance, chichi, chibusa or mune. Mune seems the most apt description of your bust to you, but that doesn't necessarily invalidate the other options.

You decide to gently fondle your mune by way of research. Just at that moment, Jacqueline thrusts her sword straight at your upper chest. It lodges in your left hand, between your carpus and the ends of your metacarpals. The pain is excruciating. "Aaaaaaaargh!" you scream. Your opponent appears unimpressed, and attempts to withdraw her weapon for another attack. Alas, it proves to be quite well lodged in your lower hand.

You try to come up with something to distract yourself from the agonising pain; something calming, reminiscent of better times. You decide to perform a nice pirouette to ease your distress. You spin hard enough to pluck the sword right out of your rival's hand, and after half a turn the centrifugal force looses it from your hand as well, leaving it arcing across the clearing and into the undergrowth with a spray of blood.

You cannot resist making a quip towards your now disarmed adversary. "You may have thought me harmless... but now I've left you armless!"

739 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 00:11

Crack Jaqueline in the head with the back end of your gun, a move also known as a "buttstroke".

740 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 00:11

Finish her off with Asses of Badassness.

741 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 01:31

Declare her a sore loser.

742 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 01:40

Collect a stick of charcoal from burnt forest. Use it to draw Big Penis on her cheek, and Alexei's too since we couldn't earlier.

743 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 17:19

Before doing that, magic heal our own left hand!!

744 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7648 22:31

As she is still stunned, you take the laser gun from the floor and stroke Jacqueline's butt. No, wait, that's not right. You strike her a brutal blow to the head with the non laser emitting end, knocking her to the ground and likely dirtying her lovely pink frilly dress.

As she probably won't be getting up again any time soon, you decide you can afford to finish her off in style. You take Asses of Badassness in both hands, holding it over your head, and swing it down into your opponent's unguarded chest. She gazes up at you with what might be a quite heartwarming, puppy-dog expression, were it not for the vacant eye sockets. The blade descends, up to the hilt, into her with an anticlimactic thump. She stops moving, and blood slowly seeps out of the wound. There are a few seconds of merciful silence, then one last missive flutters down from above, reading:

Tell Alexei I love h

The handwriting is shaky, and ends as nothing more than a thin smudge of ink across the remainder of the paper.

For killing a sapient creature, you have gained one skill point and fifty mana. You currently have 130 mana.

Why should it be your job to play Cupid here? It's her fault if she never confessed to her - admittedly unresponsive - lover. What a sore loser, as far as romance is concerned, you think.

You spend 25 mana healing your left hand, leaving you 105 mana. It stops bleeding and begins to scab over, but is still fairly painful. Your hand is still usable, and thankfully doesn't seem to have suffered any nervous damage - had the sword struck your carpal tunnel things would be quite different.

You leisurely make your way into the burnt forest edge - it smells of fire, such a delightful smell - and take a blackened lump that was formerly a piece of tree. You wish it was still on fire; it was much prettier that way. You use the charcoal to draw little phalli on Jacqueline's and Mecha Alexei's cheeks. If they could not be united in love in this world, at least they can be united in facial defacement in the next.

You are in a nondescript clearing in the middle of a forest, with a burnt patch nearby and a path leading away. Continue-chan and Stove Stove are members of your party, and potentially Mecha Alexei Fujiwara, but he seems to be unconscious. As far as weaponry is concerned, there is nearby a laser gun, a ceremonial stone knife, Asses of Badassness and an espada ropera. Given that only two of you can wield weapons, you really don't need - nor can you carry - all of these.

745 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7649 12:20

Check if Alexei's mecha parts have a reset button or something.

746 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7649 15:24

Leave Asses of Badassness with Jacqueline's corpse. Give the laser gun back to Continue-chan. Strap the ceremonial stone knife somewhere in our clothing (first dropping a few forks to make room.) Take and equip the espada ropera.

Put skill point into Pyromancy.

If Mecha Alexei proves unrevivable, hide him in the forest under some bushes or something until we can find a way to revive him.

Regret nothing.

747 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7649 15:32

Place Jacqueline's corpse on Stove Stove and stab her heart with the ceremonial stone knife while singing something patriotic.

748 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7649 17:17

Let the Eagles cry.

749 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7649 22:27

Mecha Alexei's clockwork bits look, from the outside at least, indistinguishable from the genuine article. You can't find any buttons, switches or other mechanical input devices.

Safe from attack for now, you leave Asses of Badassness by poor Jacqueline's body, where it may lie as a testament to your bloodlust and cruelty. You return the laser gun to Continue-chan. Emptying one of your pockets of forks - leaving you six remaining - and tearing a hole in the bottom of it gives you a little strap in your skirt in which you can hang the stone knife. Lastly, you claim the espada ropera for your own. The tip is still stained with your blood. You find the weapon to be light and nimble, well suited to your size and strength.

You now have level four pyromancy. You have unlocked the following skill:

Small fireball (active skill): Can summon and cast a fireball, approximately 15cm in diameter. Requires one free hand. Costs 15 mana per fireball.

Mecha Alexei Fujiwara remains unresponsive, but you can't be sure if he's truly unrevivable. Surely, you feel, if you just knew how he came to be like this, there must be something you could do... Until that time, you decide to conceal him a few metres into the forest, on the opposite side to the burnt patch. You try your best to be free of remorse, but find that you still have some lingering guilt over murdering the lovely Continue-chan, amongst other things.

With Continue-chan's aid, you drag Jacqueline's inanimate body onto Stove Stove. You take the stone knife from its makeshift sheath and begin singing God Save the Queen, only to find that the corpse you were about to desecrate is being slowly absorbed by Stove Stove. It sinks away and vanishes before your very eyes.

Though you don't particularly feel inclined to cry yourself, the lachrymatory habits of large birds of prey are, you decide, entirely their own business.

750 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 00:46

Briefly consider killing Alexei while he's helpless, just to get the sweet sweet skillpoints and mana. Decide not to, in case he's still important later, but file the idea for future contemplation.

751 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 03:16

Apologize to Continue-chan for everything and ask her what she thinks should be done.

752 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 03:25

Kiss Continue-chan.

753 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 04:03

Slam Continue-chan with a spine-buster

754 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 23:21

You already killed, mutilated and reanimated Alexei back at >>606. You could render him inanimate by lowering his bodily integrity below 80%, but this would gain you neither skill points nor mana.

As the sun steadily rises over the burnt, bloodstained earth of your little clearing, you and Continue-chan sit in the grass and share a deep, heartfelt conversation wherein you privately right all your wrongs and forgive everything that needs to be forgiven. On discussion of what to do now, Continue-chan offers that there is still a lot the two of you don't know, such as who the armed guards are and why they fight you (and similarly for the tentacle monsters) - amongst other, more insidious matters, for instance neither of you knows who reanimated Continue-chan after you murdered her, or why.

Unfortunately, there is no very clear way of investigating these matters. Had you, perhaps, not killed Jacqueline, you might've been able to interrogate her - or even have a nice, civilised conversation over tea - but it's too late for that. At any rate, you aren't likely to accomplish much just staying where you are. Returning by daylight to the building you were in earlier may help, and you could even further investigate the tunnels beneath it.

You interrupt by leaning over and pressing your lips onto Continue-chan's. She does not resist. Her lips are cold and bloodless, but they respond gladly to your gentle probing. As you part, Continue-chan looks away and blushes.

You consider performing a wrestling move on your dear Continue-chan, but which? A lifting spine-buster? Thrust spine-buster? Spinning spine-buster? Or even a sitout spine-buster? Also, why?

755 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7650 23:39

Remember that the rule is "yes and" not "no" then reconsider the last command.

756 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 04:03

Yes and tell your mom to bring us more soda and cheetos!

757 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 13:11

Don't listen to them. Head back to the mysterious building.

758 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 16:16

Listen to your mom, she knows best.

759 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 16:18

Inquire as to how can Continue-chan blush if she's undead and lacks blood.

760 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 19:02

Zone out while whoever decides to respond responds about Continue-chan's blushing, and contemplate her bellybutton instead.

761 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7651 22:40

You aren't aware of any rules consisting only of the words "yes and"; that strikes you as a very poorly worded and easily misinterpreted rule, really. At any rate, upon reflection, performing a spine-buster on Continue-chan strikes you as an absolutely splendid idea, with no chance of any undesired outcomes.

You stand and hold Continue-chan about the waist, with her upper body over your shoulder. Just as she's about to say something, you sweep your own legs out from underneath yourself and land on your backside, whilst simultaneously slamming her down onto the ground, spine first. "Ow," she says, "Conundrum-chan, I hate you." She doesn't seem particularly serious.

You try to politely request some victuals from your mother, but she is nowhere to be found. Also, you don't know who she is.

Accompanied by Continue-chan and Stove Stove, you make your way down the same dirt path you came up last night. By daylight, you find that it's really quite scenic, adorned with banks of blue, bell-shaped flowers, and little bumblebees and small white butterflies. Finally, the three of you arrive at where the building used to be - only to find that it has been replaced with an enormous blast crater, at least a hundred metres in diameter. There is rubble and twisted sheets of metal strewn everywhere.

Standing in the middle of the crater, head tilted to one side quizzically, is a little girl in a frilly lilac dress. Upon seeing you, she rushes over and greets you enthusiastically. "Hello! Have you perchance seen a little girl in a pink dress recently? Or an undead cybernetically enhanced theoretical physicist? The two of them seem to have run away, you see," she expounds, "How bothersome!"

Without waiting for a response, she continues, "Well, if you happen to find either of them, be sure to let me know! Who knows, if you bring me them both alive, I might even stop sending armed soldiers to kill you and watching the ensuing battle for light entertainment. Anyway, adieu!" She flaps her hand at you, then runs off and disappears into a narrow rectangular opening in the side of the crater which you hadn't noticed earlier. It appears to be part of the system of tunnels you were in earlier.

Was that girl your mom? Probably not.

You spend a few moments contemplating Continue-chan's cardiovascular system. It's quite clear that her blood is no longer circulating - the wound on her chest has stopped bleeding, and she is displaying quite obvious pallor mortis. And yet her muscles and brain are evidently still operating, which would normally imply a supply of glucose and oxygenated blood. As she wasn't looking awfully lively when she was dead, you suspect this to be a result of the reanimation process, which may also go some way to explaining blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah blah - blah blah blah? - blah blah blah; blah blah blah blah blah. Is Continue-chan's bellybutton an innie or an outie, you wonder? Probably an innie. You bet it's a really cute little T-shaped one, as well.

762 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7652 05:56

Lick Continue-chan's belly button.

763 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7652 15:35

Yell after the purple girl that you can provide Alexei "alive", after a fasion.

Also observe that the vericode for this post was yiff and contemplate on what that could mean.

764 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7652 23:16

You attempt to lift Continue-chan's blouse to gain access to her navel, but she jumps away from your fervent advance - it appears she has learnt from your earlier attempt to bust her spine.

"I have Alexei alive! Sort of!" you exclaim, but she either is already out of earshot or doesn't care.

You've no idea what this word "yiff" could possibly mean, other than being an anagram of "iffy". Is it an acronym? Onomatopoeia? A nonce word? You might never know.

765 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7652 23:21

Give her another 3 spine busters for denying you access to her navel.

766 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 00:19

Give yourself a spine buster for good measure.

767 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 02:47

Give your spine buster a kiss.

768 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 03:25

Advance the plot.

769 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 05:13

Watch your favorite spinebuster video on youtube

770 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 14:51

Having become an expert spinebusterer, spinebuster the next guard we come across.

771 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 22:52

You shan't stand for such insolence! Rather than explain, rationally, that you only wanted to lick her navel (which is perfectly unobjectionable), you decide to embody the very fears she projected onto you, and attack her as you did before. Continue-chan proves substantially more skilled in unarmed combat than you, and blocks each of your attempts to throw her to the ground - not surprising considering you are only attempting one type of attack.

"Stop! Conundrum-chan, please, what are you doing?" she entreats. Finally, seeing that you aren't backing down, she runs away, straight into the forest. You soon lose track of her and thus are unable to give her any spine-busters.

You jump into the air and land, heavily, on your upper back. A piece of rubble finds itself just under your cervical vertebrae, and as your neck collides with it there is a sickening crack. You suddenly find that you cannot feel your legs. You try to move, but your hands won't respond. Your breath catches. You cannot breathe - your thoracic diaphragm is paralysed. You suffocate, slowly, unable to move anything but your eyes, and unable to see anything but the indifferent cloudscape above; soft, white cumuli, lit by the mid-morning sun.

Deaths: 34

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>764)

You attempt to kiss your own spine, which you have apparently just named "Buster". Alas, you aren't quite that flexible.

You advance forwards across the plot of land you find yourself on, eventually reaching the bottom of the crater. You find that there are two tunnels on opposite sides of the crater. The one on the left, which the girl in lilac went down, is entirely clear, but the one on the right appears blocked with rubble. On the opposite side of the crater is a dirt road leading downhill. There are several tyre tracks imprinted into the earth, showing recent usage. On all other sides, the crater is surrounded by uniform deciduous, old-growth forest.

You do not currently have a device capable of internet access.

You cannot see any guards, but make a mental note to spine-bust the next one you see, without any forethought, and in spite of any other factors or commands you may be under the effect of at the time.

772 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7653 23:39

Loudly sing as we make our way down the left tunnel.

773 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7654 23:13

Be Stove Stove. Look at your stats and skills.

774 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7655 14:19

Check navel is okay

775 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7655 18:39

Be Jack again and shoot a fireball down the hallway to light the way.

776 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7655 18:52

Check Buster is okay

777 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7655 19:02

If yes, be Buster.

778 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7655 22:46

You skip gleefully into the foreboding, claustrophobic, unlit passageway, all the while singing アヒルのワルツ to yourself. Continue-chan follows at a cautious distance.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find yourself, a sentient block of volcanic glass, hovering a few centimetres from the ground in a large blast crater in the middle of the forest. The two delightful young ladies you were with earlier have just entered a dark tunnel which, you are alarmed and dismayed to find, is substantially too narrow for you to fit into.

You currently have level five telekinesis and level one matrimony. You have 99,839 mana remaining. The following skills are currently available to you:

  • Telekinesis (small objects)(active skill): Can affect acceleration of objects weighing less than one kilogram within a range of ten metres by up to one metre per second squared. Costs 10 mana per object. Can be maintained indefinitely, but can only move one object at a time.
  • Telekinesis (medium objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (small objects), but with mass limit of 100kg. Costs 100 mana per object.
  • Telekinesis (large objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (medium objects), but with mass limit of 10000kg. Costs 1000 mana per object.
  • Teleportation (self)(active skill): Can instantaneously transfer own body to any other position within ten metres. Target volume displaced must not contain any matter not in gas phase. Costs 10 mana per teleportation.
  • Levitation (passive skill): Own body is not affected by gravity. Cannot be disabled.
  • Proposal (active skill): Can propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.

You look for your navel - but it is gone! Actually, you strongly suspect it was never there in the first place, what with you being literally a large, cubic lump of rock.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You cast small fireball (active skill) into the darkness, expending 15 mana to leave you 90 mana remaining. The little orb of flame speeds away before you, illuminating the way ahead. After a few tens of metres - it's hard to judge distances down here - its light momentarily reveals a small concrete room, with a ladder leading downwards (the same room you were in back at >>593).

It continues down the next tunnel, which, conveniently enough, follows on straight ahead, reaching another small room, striking the opposite wall and extinguishing a few seconds later. You think you catch sight of some dark shape in the far room, but it was probably just your imagination.

Your spine seems to be quite alright, as best you can tell without the aid of a vertebral specialist.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan's spine, also known as Buster. You find yourself entirely lacking in sensory organs or cognitive faculties, and thus your state of existence is, frankly, rather lacking. The only thing you feel is a continuum of nervous impulses running up and down yourself. It tickles.

779 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7656 01:28

Bust a move.

780 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7656 05:05

Be Stove Stove. Go on a journey of self-discovery.

781 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7656 15:21

Attempt to travel through left tunnel by using self as a drill.

782 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7656 23:00

Have no mouth but scream.

783 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7656 23:35

Try as you might, you cannot perform any dance pieces, largely due to you lacking any limbs, any control over your own movement, any capacity for cognition and any idea what dancing even is. You would be disappointed, but as you are just a spinal column, you lack the capacity even for that.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. After waiting a suitable length of time for the girls to return and tell you that they do love you after all, you decide to take the opportunity of being left behind by the two people you loved and trusted to attempt to overcome your crippling fear of abandonment. You eventually concede and levitate all the way back uphill to the clearing, as even the company of an unconscious undead augmented theoretical physicist would be more agreeable than your current crushing solitude.

He is gone. There is a patch of flattened grass visible where he was hidden, and footprints leading back towards the clearing, but you can't tell whether they're Alexei's, Continue-chan's or Conundrum-chan's - or someone else's.

As far as self-discovery is concerned, you have learned that you are not very good at dealing with emotional rejection (perceived or actual), and that you have some quite deep seated abandonment issues. Then again, you already knew that.

You make your way back to the crater and throw your weight against the tunnel entrance, rotating to break through the poured concrete, and, amidst the grinding noises, succeed in advancing a few centimetres. You find that it hurts rather a lot, and has in fact slightly chipped your beautiful, sharp edges. You stop and try to cry, but find that you have no tear ducts.

You try to scream, but find that you have no mouth. What horror! If only you had some popular culture reference you could fall back on in this situation to alleviate the torment.

784 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7657 02:45

punch yourself in the face

785 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7657 03:46

Assuage self and gain self confidence by remembering how good we are at blocking lasers and absorbing people. Contentedly lie down and wait for your female companions like a good Stove Stove.

786 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7657 04:10

Install a mod that replaced Conundrum-chan with The Incredible Hulk and Continue-Chan with Jafar from Aladdin

787 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7657 18:41

Be Buster. Send pleasure signals throughout the body.

788 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7657 22:28

Alas, you have six faces but not a single fist.

You try to better your self-image through reflection upon your past successes, without success. Perhaps, if you had the loving support of a cute little girl or two, you could scrape together some semblance of confidence, but such is not the case. You begin to panic. Before you know it, you've accidentally activated your internal self-destruct mechanism. You have exactly one hour before you explode.

You don't know of any mods that do that, nor do you know how you'd go about installing any such thing.

You are now playing as Buster. You find it odd to try to send pleasure signals throughout the body, considering the pleasure receptors are all localised in the brain - or, rather, you would find it odd, if you were capable of thought. You try to will the component neurons of the spinal cord you encompass to selectively transmit pleasurable sensations, but unfortunately you cannot, because you have no free will.

789 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7658 00:27

Be Jack. Go to the far room in search of the dark shape. Send Continue-chan to go calm down Stove Stove.

790 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7658 13:32

Be Stove Stove. Attempt to become a drill.

791 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7658 20:33

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You ask Continue-chan to go back to check on Stove Stove, as you have a strangely prescient - though unfortunately slightly too late - thought that perhaps your favourite sentient stone cube might be unhappy on its own. Continue-chan acquiesces and patters away down the tunnel, back to the entrance.

Meanwhile, you forge ahead into the darkness. As you reach the first small room, you find that the dim lightbulb that lit this room previously is no longer in operation. You do, however, note that there is a ladder leading downwards, the base of which is lit by a strange red glow.

Ignoring this, you continue onwards into the unknown. You are guided only by your hands tracing along the passage walls. After perhaps a minute or two, you reach the far room, which is completely unlit. You hear a faint whooshing sound, then find that your precious Buster has been dislocated from its place at the bottom of your brainstem by a sharp, calculated blow. You collapse to the cold, hard ground, dead.

Deaths: 35

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>788)

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find that you require level 12 telekinesis, level 5 healing, level 5 thaumaturgy and 75 mana to shapeshift.

792 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7659 00:10

Search for the nearest way to level up.

793 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7659 23:20

As everyone knows, the only way to increase one's level in a skill is to expend skill points, and the only way to gain skill points is murdering sapient creatures. Unfortunately, it seems you are the only sapient creature in the vicinity. For all you know, Conundrum-chan and everyone else might be dead and you might be the only sapient being left in the universe. And without anyone else to validate your existence, can your life really have any meaning? Why even bother levelling up in a world like that?

You search the crater and surrounding forest for signs of anyone, anything, to free you from your solipsist prison. Alas, there are no sapient beings kind enough to grace you with their presence.

794 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7660 03:16

Go somewhere useful to explode, like the control tower.

795 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7660 12:48

Be Jack. Do a dastardly deed.

796 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7660 22:05

Where is the Control Tower? What is the Control Tower? Would it be useful to explode near/in it? You just aren't sure about anything any more. At any rate, you feel it would be much more appropriate to end your lonely existence still loyally awaiting the return of your former companions, in the crater of another explosion - at least the last legacy of your life wouldn't be alone, then. You are too caught up in your maudlin soliloquising to convince yourself to relocate.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. "Golly gosh," you say, "I thought I heard something behind us!" When Continue-chan turns around, you flip the back of her skirt up with both hands, revealing her pantsu. Well, it would do, if you weren't in complete darkness. Continue-chan squeals in surprise and shock. You simper to yourself smugly.

797 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 02:13

Go back to the forest. See if you can fashion a workable torch out of the charred wood and other items on hand.

798 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 03:54

On the way, make sure to pick up Stove Stove before it/she/he blows up.

799 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 17:01

Make up a limerick about Duke Nukem and entertain Continue-chan with it.

800 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 18:17

Pretend we're in a swimming pool and play marco polo.

801 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 23:40

You walk back in the direction you came. After a few paces, you notice something troubling - the little rectangle of light that, previously, promised easy return to the aboveground world of sunlight and life, is no longer there. The tunnel was perfectly straight; there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to see it. Similarly, had there been a cavein or similar, you would surely have heard it. Continue-chan seems equally troubled by this development.

You are, thankfully, still in possession of the lump of charcoal you used to deface Mecha Alexei and Jacqueline's faces. You stick one of your six silver forks into it as a handle and wrap it in the one cleaning rag you were still carrying. After some time attempting to produce a spark by rubbing two forks against one another, you give up and use your magical firelighting (active skill), costing you five mana, to leave 85 remaining. The makeshift torch lights up perfectly, illuminating the dark grey stone walls of the tunnel, Continue-chan's pale, bloodless face, and your own body.

You continue walking in the direction that should lead to Stove Stove. The passage twists around to the right, then begins to curve downwards to an alarming angle. You stop where it reaches around around forty degrees, but you can see that the angle of the tunnel continues to get steeper, to vertical, as best you can tell. It becomes obvious that you cannot get to nor pick up your companion, despite his imminent explosion, which you know nothing about.

You address your companion and recite the jocular poem you just composed:

"There once was a man called Duke,
Who loved to destroy; to nuke,
His games were fun,
Full of laser guns,
But Forever was worthy of rebuke."

Continue-chan appears more mystified than entertained. She obviously has no idea what you're talking about - in fact, you aren't entirely sure yourself.

"Marco!" you exclaim, waving your arms in some approximation of a breaststroke, limited by the narrow space. From somewhere ahead, heavily distorted by echo, comes a faint "Polo".

802 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7661 23:49

Keep playing Marco Polo until we win.

803 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7662 01:00

Descend into further confusion.

804 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7662 03:10

Be Continue. Say in your best Spock impression, "This is not logical, Jack."

805 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7662 07:43

Challenge Jack to pour a bucket of ice water over head to raise awareness of the Control Tower.

806 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7662 23:42

Taking no heed of personal safety, you step boldly forth into the dark chasm ahead of you, eyes screwed shut, following the sirenic allure of that half-heard "polo". As you slip over the brink, to where you can no longer stand and fall down the now vertical passage, you shout, pleadingly, "Marco!". With a faint "polo", you strike the floor at least two or three metres below you which is, thankfully, curved and thus you land uninjured. Continue-chan makes some vocalisation of distress, but does not join you. She does not understand.

You get to your feet and swim onwards. "Marco!" you shout again, desperate for that distant acknowledgement. "Polo" comes the response. The tunnel continues to twist and contort itself, changing shape or texture unexpectedly, shrinking to a size that you can only crawl through, and even turning entirely upside down. Finally, the tunnel comes to an end. Groping around, you feel a wooden door, with a cool metal doorhandle. "Marco," you whisper, voice trembling. "Polo," comes the reply, from just behind the door.

You push the door open and walk forwards while sweeping your arms about in front of you. "Marco!" you accuse. "Polo!" says someone just to your side - a fairly young, male voice. You reach out in the direction it came from, and grasp an arm. Having won, you open your eyes again to revel in your mastery of this ichthyic game.

You are shocked and confused to find yourself in some sort of ornate parlour. The room has a very high ceiling but is otherwise somewhat narrow and ill-proportioned. The floor is chequered marble, and the walls are plain white. To the East is the door you just came from. To the West is a spiral staircase leading upwards, and a closed door in the wall. To the North is a fireplace with a coffee table, a chaise longue and an armchair arranged around it. On the coffee table is a laptop with a command-line interface open.

In front of you, captured by the arm, is a young man in combat armour (apart from the helmet, which is on the seat of the armchair). He seems nervous, but very talkative. "Thank goodness I found you before the others did! Look, there's no time to explain, but a lot of people dressed like me are trying to kill you. They told me I have to try to kill you too - me! I'm just an innocent cryptographer - they told me you were dangerous, violent, that you'd killed lots of people, but I--"

He is interrupted by you grabbing him around the waist, jumping and smashing him, spine first, into the hard, marble floor, as you promised yourself to back at >>770,771. He appears badly winded.

You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. Unable to muster the nerve to follow Conundrum-chan into the unknown, you have resigned yourself to wandering through the pitch black, labyrinthine tunnels, in the other direction. Why did she jump down there, anyway? What was she thinking? "This is not logical, Jack." you mutter. Your voice sounds a little odd as you say it.

You attempt to lure Jack Conundrum-chan back to you with offers of bizarre and nonsensical actions, but she does not respond to your coaxing.

807 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7663 00:12

Try to remember a past life as a horrific tentacle-beast.

808 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7663 07:41

Follow your heart to the exit.

809 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7663 23:39

You remember a past life as a cute little girl, growing up in semi-rural Japan. You remember a largely carefree and idyllic life, shared with your beloved childhood friend, Jack Conundrum-chan. You remember being very fond of Conundrum-chan, very fond indeed; such that you began carrying around a knife and having extreme, impulsive feelings of resentment and anger towards anyone perceived as taking her away from you. You also remember that one time the two of you were playing doctor and y-- no, wait, that never happened.

At any rate, you can't remember any time at which you were a horrific tentacle-beast, literally or metaphorically. That would be ridiculous.

Your heart seems to be quite firmly lodged in your ribcage, and isn't really going anywhere. Instead, you metaphorically follow your heart by choosing your own path out. A walk in the opposite direction to where Conundrum-chan went does not bring you to the little cubic room which should be ahead; instead, the passage branches and loops madly, inclining up and down without any clear pattern or meaning. You wander the maze of twisty little passages, alone in the darkness. After you have been wandering for about an hour, you find yourself - along with the rest of the universe - annhialated by Stove Stove's self destruction.

Deaths: 36

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>806)

810 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7663 23:48

Say "xyzzy".

811 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 04:11

Be Jack. Give the cryptographer a long deep kiss.

812 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 12:28

Warn cryptographer that if he goes anywhere near your crotch, he will die.

813 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 13:30

But don't do it in a threatening tone. We don't want to sound prude. Make it sound like the crotch void is an object of universal fear.

814 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 15:26

Explain that spine busters are just our way of saying "I love you."

815 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 15:46

Explain that the spine, Buster, loves you.

816 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 18:30

Quietly say "I love busting spines too."

817 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 22:16

"XYZZY," you say. From somewhere, a long way away, comes a faint reply: "Polo".

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. While your new friend is still temporarily supine and incapacitated, you softly, but firmly, clamp your nubile little lips over his, and press your tongue into his mouth. He attempts to resist momentarily, but soon gives up. He goes limp beneath you. He seems to have passed out.

You sit on his chest, waiting patiently for him to return to consciousness so you can convey your important warning to him. For a minute or two all is silent but your own breathing and the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece. Finally, the cryptographer's eyelids flutter open again.

You press your face close to his, smile (you hope) reassuringly, and commiserate that, for his own safety, he cannot look/touch under your skirt, partly due to the fact that you aren't wearing any pantsu. He stammers something about not being a lolicon, that he doesn't want to cause you any trouble, that he's just a poor innocent cryptographer, and so on. He seems quite distressed.

Without letting him get up, you kindly explain that your rather physical greeting was in fact an expression of affection. He screws his eyes closed and says "Please, I'll do anything, just please, don't hurt me. I'll do anything you want." There are tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

At your unassuming comment about your spine, his eyes shoot open. He struggles and tries to sit upright. He speaks frantically, unable to control his voice; "No! No, no, you're not supposed to know about that! Who told you? That w--"

Then, just as suddenly, he drops to the floor, dead. A pool of blood spreads from under the back of his neck.

Plunged without warning back into uncomfortable silence, accompanied only by the interminable ticking of the clock, you feel a desperate need to offer some comment, to give yourself some closure to the incident. "I love busting spines too," you say meekly, hoping that nobody hears.

818 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7664 22:21

Ask Buster what that was all about.

819 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7665 07:27

Put laptop in crotch-void. Start fire in fireplace using dead guard as kindling.

820 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7665 12:30

Be Continue. Go in the direction of the voice, but try saying "plugh" too, just in case.

821 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7665 23:32

Buster remains as uncommunicative as ever, ignoring your query like a sulking teenager.

Recalling with joy the last time you touched a computer, back at >>591,593 and what a wonderful idea it was to smother it with your crotch - one which you never regretted for a moment - you decide to reenact the event with the laptop on the coffee table. "Enter encryption key" it protests, but you spare no mercy. It vanishes up your skirt.

You find the fireplace to be wide and spacious; ideal for disposing of dead bodies. You strip the poor cryptographer and contemplate how best to convert him to kindling. The combat armour is, unfortunately, not even remotely flammable. You relieve him of all his clothing and set them aside, then drag him into the fireplace, face down, such that his head and shoulders are crammed in as far as they'll go. Using the makeshift torch you had from earlier, you set his hair alight. It eventually catches.

Once the fire is large enough, you start to add the more flammable portion of his apparel, which eagerly joins the blaze. Somehow, you simply can't stop here; there's so much more to burn! You start by flipping the coffee table over, tearing off its legs and piling them around the already quite serious mound of flame. Before you know it, you're tearing the covering from the armchair, breaking the coffee table into planks and burning, burning, more, more! A strange cackling escapes your lips. All you can see is flames.

You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You uncertainly follow the voice a few paces forwards. "Plugh," you say uncertainly. "Polo," replies the mysterious voice; a woman's, quite confident, not unkind. It sounds quite close, actually. You continue to walk, glad that you might well soon be out of this abominable darkness, and even with some companionship. And if they should prove unfriendly, you're still armed with a laser gun.

You take another step forth but your foot doesn't meet the floor. With a muffled scream, you fall forwards, downwards, and then keep falling for several stomach wrenching seconds. Finally, you strike the floor, more or less legs first, in a way that you're quite confident would've been your demise were you not already dead and reanimated.

You feel around. You are still in complete darkness. One or both of your legs are broken. Your right hip is also especially painful. You try to stand, but find you cannot put any weight on your lower body.

822 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7666 00:54

Sing Megadeth's "Kill the King" while trying to crawl out of the pit.

823 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7666 04:36

Be Stove Stove. Use Telekinesis to pull the left tunnel out of the ground. Or move the ground out of the way. Whatever it takes to completely expose those horrid labyrinthian depths to the glory of the sun light (the flower which can not be licked.)

824 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7666 17:11

Lick the sun.

825 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7667 19:16

Be Jack. Put on the guard's uniform and do a cartwheel.

826 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7667 19:23

Lick up blood from the floor. Wonder what killed the guard, that no skill points nor mana were allotted.

827 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7667 19:42

Ignore the pain and dance like a monkey.

828 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7667 20:27

Be the dead guy. Ignore the monkey and dance like a pain.

829 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7667 20:35

Plead for necromantic romance.

830 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7668 23:45

In dire need of something to uplift your spirits, you try to sing a nice song. Unfortunately, you don't know any nice songs. Instead, you end up singing to yourself some sort of threnody about regicide, which doesn't make you feel much better. You try to crawl out of wherever you are, but you cannot reach any sides; it is just a flat, stone floor as far as you can feel. In your blind gropings, you accidentally grasp a human foot. It is cold to the touch, and there is no response from any human that may or may not be attached to it.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You are disappointed to find that your telekinesis skill works only for items which can move independently of one another, whereas the tunnel and the ground above it are firmly attached to the rest of the Earth, which is a little above your limit of 10,000kg. Even more distressingly, you find that it has clouded over, and is beginning to drizzle. Your pitiful inability to cast sunlight on the godforsaken lifeless maze below leaves you so upset that you accidentally self destruct prematurely.

Deaths: 37

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>821)

You use your short range teleportation (active skill) to slowly, ten metres at a time, make your way towards the Sun. Unfortunately, you run out of mana after a mere 99 kilometres - not even passing the moon's orbit, and making it only about 0.000066% of the way to your destination. You float, alone, in space, surrounded on all sides by the silent, judgemental glare of the stars. Only then do you remember that you don't even have a tongue. You self destruct in shame.

Deaths: 38

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>821)

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. After a hazy period of which you remember little, you come to your senses in the same room you were in earlier. There are signs of severe fire damage, centred around the fireplace. There is also a fairly large pile of charred remains, including several human bones. All of the furniture has been dismantled and fed to the fire, and even the door you came through has been torn from its hinges and burned. The door to the West bears marks indicating attempted destruction, but has withstood the onslaught well. You also appear to have set fire to all of your clothing, and much of your hair, leaving you entirely nude.

You find that everything non-flammable, including six silver forks, an espada ropera, a ceremonial stone knife and a set of combat armour, has been relegated to the Southeast corner of the room. The armour proves to be far too big for you. You can just about wear the piece covering the chest, the bottom of which reaches almost to your knees. You try to do a cartwheel but, unaccustomed to the uneven weight of the armour, end up losing your balance and falling over.

The blood was quite close to the blaze, and seems to have evaporated and been covered in ash and soot. You lick the floor where you remember it being. It tastes how fire smells - a scent you have come to be quite fond of - with a faint metallic aftertaste. Rather agreeable. You have no idea who killed the poor cryptographer, but it certainly wasn't you.

Though the armour is uncomfortable, it is by no means painful, and the wounds on your hands are not particularly troubling now. You have no pain to ignore. You dance back and forth around the room, jumping and waving your arms like a simian.

You cannot be the dead guy; you can only play as members of your current party.

You feel a strange compulsion rise up from somewhere deep within you. "Continue-chan, my beloved Continue-chan, I love you! Please, love me back!" you confess to no one in particular. The sound of a girl's chuckling reaches you from up the spiral staircase. "Well, at least you're honest about your feelings," the familiar voice remarks nonchalantly.

You feel a lump form in your stomach. That is not Continue-chan's voice.

831 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7669 00:38

Quickly find something to cover the Void of Doom in your pantie area.

832 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7669 04:43

Wield the espada ropera in one hand and six forks in the other.

833 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7669 23:36

Thankfully, the piece of armour you're wearing already reaches down to your knees, so the most precious, intimate and murderous part of your anatomy is safely concealed from prying eyes. Unless you try to do the splits or something, that is.

You grasp the elegant, thin sword as best you can in your left hand; the one with the right number of fingers, and gather the forks in your right hand in a clumsy, loose fistful.

From upstairs, the bewitching voice calmly comments, "I can see you've had a lot of fun down there, but, why, it seems you're lonely, you poor thing. Fear not, my dear! Here comes some company." At this moment, the door to the West is blown clean off its hinges, cast through the air so hard it flies all the way to the other side of the room and shatters into splinters. You are mercifully uninjured. Through the now vacant doorway, you can see a large ballroom with intricate parquet flooring. The room extends out of sight to the North and South. The Western wall is lined with large, elegant windows, overlooking a stately garden. Above, a mezzanine encircles the room.

You are, however, more distracted by the large, rather threatening looking humanoid robot, standing near the centre of the room. It is about four metres in height, sleek matte blue in colour, with decorative white panels in places along the limbs. It is standing in a battle-ready pose, legs spread and half crouching. The right arm - which terminates in a large, circular barrel - is pointed at where the door just was. The left is hanging at its side. It has a humanoid hand, but also a set of slim, cylindrical barrels, reminiscent of a Gatling gun, extending from the forearm. In place of a head, there is a small, white rabbit in a padded seat, hunched over a set of controls. The rabbit is looking at you with a cruel glint in its eye.

834 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7669 23:55

Give the robot a spine buster.

835 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7670 07:40

Do a cute bunny hop.

836 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7670 21:37

You charge recklessly towards the enormous, threatening robot. It points its left arm at you and releases a spray of bullets in your direction. Thankfully, your young, sprightly nature allows you to move fast enough to elude the hurtful little projectiles. You run headlong towards the legs of your enormous, mechanical opponent and jump, gripping it around the waist. Unfortunately, you find that you cannot even reach the floor, let alone lift the accursed thing off the floor and throw it to the ground. Instead, you feel it pick you up with its left hand, gripping you around the chest, and toss you through the air. You land, heavily, about ten metres away.

You just manage to pick yourself from the floor to find the robot's right hand pointed at you. In hopes of appeasement, you turn to give a profile view, hold your hands out, limp wristed, like rabbit paws, and hop forwards one, small pace. "Pyon pyon!" you say. Something is shot from the robot's arm cannon, so fast you cannot even see it. It strikes you in the head, killing you instantly.

Deaths: 39

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>833)

837 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7670 22:56


838 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7671 08:04

Throw the forks at the robot and then dive out of the way of the inevitable bullets. Take advantage of the confusion to hide somewhere.

839 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7671 08:27

Spinebuster the robot on something sharp and jagged

840 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7671 16:55

Be Jack's Crotch Void of Doom. Eat everyone.

841 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7671 21:00

You try your very hardest to spinebuster, but, to your dismay, spinebuster is not a verb - and even if it was, it would be transitive.

In a David-and-Goliathesque manner, you hurl your precious forks at the robotic behemoth. Four of them clatter off the bodywork harmlessly, one misses and flies over its shoulder, but the last, by some miracle, gets caught under an overlapping plate, somewhere around where the right clavicle would be on a human. The robot finds that its right arm is now paralysed, thus it must turn its entire body to aim the large cannon-shaped arm.

After a moment's distraction, the robot, as expected, aims its left arm at you and releases a stream of deadly little bullets in your direction. You manage to run and dive out of the way, but are faced with a distinct lack of potential concealment places. There is a grand piano in the Northeast corner of the room and a closed set of double doors in the North wall but both are at least fifteen metres away, and you suspect that you'd have difficulty reaching them in one piece. Similarly, in the Southwest corner is a door leading outside to the door, but that is further away still.

In order to hide, you finally elect to just circle around the robot and run back into the room you came from. It is much the same as when you left it, including the stone knife, the remainder of the guard's armour, the spiral staircase and the huge pile of smouldering remains. The doorway is too small and narrow for the robot to enter directly, but that won't keep it out forever.

Wincing inwardly at "spinebuster" being shoehorned into verbdom, you attempt to find some way to damage your nemesis by throwing it, spine first, onto something sharp and jagged. Unfortunately, the only sharp thing in your possession is your sword, which is not at all jagged and, besides, would probably snap like a twig under the robot's weight.

You are now playing as Jack's Crotch Void of Doom. You find yourself, a sentient pocket universe, lurking surreptitiously behind a tiny aperture into another, much larger and more complex universe. You aren't sure exactly where this aperture is. You spend most of your time staring out of this aperture and trying (without much success) to make sense of the vertiginous, kaleidoscopic view. Occasionally an object made of matter comes through - how exciting! You treasure these objects deeply.

You try to eat everyone, but you aren't really sure what "eating" is; nor, for that matter, what "everyone" is. You decide "eat" probably means "continue staring at" and "everyone" probably means "the view into the other universe". You do so.

842 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7671 21:05

Look behind you.

843 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7672 00:46

Eject a mobile armed robot suit sized for a little-girl into the larger universe.

844 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7672 01:09

Eject all the other shit that's been thrown in there too. Except the tentacle monster. That shit can stay where it is.

845 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7672 21:05

You try to look behind yourself, but in what dimension? Can your position even be defined in such relativistic terms? Do dimensions even exist outside of yourself? Does anything exist outside of yourself? You could spend millennia contemplating such conundra.

You aren't sure what a "mobile armed robot suit sized for a little-girl" is, although you're fairly sure you know what "ejecting" is; that's what supernovae do, isn't it? Anyway, with such a palaverous description, surely it must correspond to that big, squirming, violent thing. You go ahead and return it to its native habitat, via that strange little aperture.

You aren't sure what a "tentacle monster" is, so you just go ahead and launch everything: a laptop, a pair of black - or possibly dark grey - trousers (in the pockets of which are three cleaning rags, eleven files, a small metal key and a half empty container of salt), a suit of combat armour, a laser gun, a very confused and disorientated gentleman in combat armour and wielding a laser gun, and a cheese sandwich. Not that you know what any of these things are.

846 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7672 21:16

Be Jack. Nonchalantly eat sandwich.

847 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7673 15:54

Hide behind the confused gentleman and say, "help me, oniisan!!"

848 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7673 19:13

Leave the tentacle monster and giant robot to reconcile their differences through the medium of fatal violence.

849 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7673 22:27

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself on your back, thrown to the floor, having just involuntarily passed a huge volume of material through your crotch - including, most troublingly, an all-too-familiar enormous dark brown tentacled monster. It screams at an inhuman volume and pitch, appendages whipping madly around everywhere. It seems as though its detention in your crotch has annealed it into a mass of pure, distilled madness and hatred.

But what do you care? More importantly, there's that cheese sandwich you wanted back at >>282,288,305,354,375! You grasp it from underneath a pair of trousers, and happily take a bite. It's not bad, not bad at all. A little too much filling, perhaps, or too flimsy a choice of bread, but you can't have everything.

As the tentacled creature exits into the ballroom, still screaming, you notice a human form in the debris left in its wake. A man in combat armour sits up, slowly takes off his helmet and rubs his face and eyes. He looks around uncomprehendingly, turning to stare at you with a rather unflattering slackjawed expression. You move to position him between you and the doorway to the ballroom, employing a familiar cognomen to encourage his aid.

"Nii... san..." he mouths weakly. "Yes... yes! Don't worry, my dear; I, your beloved Onii-chan, will protect you." He gets up, unsteadily, and points his laser gun cautiously into the fray outside the room.

You watch casually as the two colossal beings battle to the death. The tentacle beast shows no clemency, immediately lunging for the robot. The robot retreats several bounding steps, with suppressive fire from its left arm, to disappointingly little effect. Still impeded by the fork caught in its arm, it barely succeeds in lowering its right arm at the tentacles, and fires an orb of bluish white light. It explodes on impact, causing significant damage - the monster loses at least three of four tentacles, and the area is splattered with its black blood. Though you scarcely thought it possible, it screams even louder than before.

It continues its advance, cornering the robot by the grand piano. The robot waits until the last moment, then launches what appears to be a jetpack module from its back, flying over the head(?) of the tentacle monster and landing behind it, along with a burst of fire from its left arm. The tentacle monster proves impressively unfazed, and, in fact, succeeds in grabbing the left leg of the robot. With a vicious tug, the humanoid machine is toppled and pinned on its back. The left arm is stuck pointing at the ceiling.

The rabbit in the control seat frantically punches at its controls, and the left leg is ejected at the hip and abandoned to the tentacles. The rest of the robot jumps backwards, barely keeping its balance, trying to shift to point the left arm at its enemy. Now is your chance; a single move now on your part - even as little as a distraction - could decide the victor.

850 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7673 22:43

Tell your new Onii-chan to shoot at the evil, evil bunny with his laser.

851 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7674 04:21

Throw salt on the tentacle monster.

852 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7674 23:50

"Onii-chan! Shoot the bunny!" you implore, tugging at his sleeve. He does as instructed, but the rabbit is not so easily foiled. It chooses that moment to abandon ship, just dodging the laser shot which leaves a circular scorch mark in the back of its seat. It hits the ground, rolls, and scampers off towards you, just as the tentacles converge upon and begin to violently dismember the robot. There is a loud beeping noise.

Grabbing the blue container of salt poking from the trousers on the floor, you charge boldly forth and forcefully salinate the mercifully preoccupied titan conflagration of appendages. The tiny white crystals arc through the air towards the beast. The tentacle monster explodes. Now, this could be because the rabbit had set its steed to violently self-destruct, but in a world where butterflies can cause hurricanes can you really be so sure of matters of causality? If the entire system depends on its own previous state, could you not argue that everything is a cause of everything else? And could you not also argue that you just caused the death of that foul beast?

For killing a sapient being, you have gained one skill point and fifty mana.

The rabbit appears, quite prudently, to be galloping away from the impending airborne remains of the tentacle monster. It is heading towards your Onii-chan, who is currently aiming his laser gun at the poor, defenceless little thing.

853 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7674 23:54

eat a piece of the tentacle monster.

854 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7675 02:32

Store the rabbit in crotch-void for safekeeping.

855 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7675 23:11

As the mass of murderous, sadistic flesh and tentacles explodes outwards, right beside you, you decide to take the opportunity to taste this rare speciality dish. By appearance you suspect it might taste like escargot, but you wonder if your delicate salting might affect the taste, and whether the fiery explosion will be enough to cook it - or overcook it? You've really no experience eating tentacle monsters.

You open your mouth to receive the airborne meal, only to find that the long, thick cable-like tentacle heading your way is a little more than you can manage. It strikes you in the face, knocking you to the ground so hard that your skull is cracked. You bleed to death, unconscious.

Deaths: 40

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>852)

You run after the cute little lagomorph, narrowly missing a tentacle which brushes your scalp before hitting the edge of the mezzanine and exploding in a shower of gore. Ignoring this, you leap, crotch first, onto the rabbit. It screeches in terror, then vanishes. Onii-chan appears rather confused at this turn of events. For that matter, he seems quite confused generally.

856 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7675 23:16

Kiss Onii-chan and tell him he did well.

857 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7676 02:13

Put skill point into pyromancy. >:)

858 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7676 02:26

Eat a piece of the tentacle monster now that it's no longer traveling at high velocity.

859 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7676 19:58

Ask Onii-chan about his navel.

860 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7676 23:47

You skip towards your Onii-chan, stand on tip-toes and press your little lips against his cheek. You congratulate him on his exemplary laser gun firing abilities, and tell him it isn't his fault he missed. He smiles uncertainly.

From directly above you, you hear enthusiastic clapping and a girl's voice exclaiming "Bravo! Bravo!".

You now have level four pyromancy. You have unlocked the following skill:

Fire resistance (passive skill): Are significantly more resistant - though not entirely immune - to burns inflicted by heat, smoke inhalation and retinal damage from looking at burning objects.

You pick up a lump of flesh and press it into your mouth. It is covered in a thick black fluid, possibly the creature's blood. It is at once thick and leathery and yet spongy, with a dreadful slick, slimy mouthfeel. It tastes salty but has a faint undercurrent of rotting fruit. Your teeth cannot even penetrate it, let alone masticate and ablate it enough to swallow, so in the end you give up and spit it out. The small pile of meat stares back at you from the parquet flooring, accusingly.

Onii-chan looks shocked and says "I... how did you know I don't have a navel?"

Having finally finished applauding, the girl upstairs speaks to you. "What a wonderful performance, don't you think?" she purrs, "Why, I almost feel it deserves an encore..."

861 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7676 23:58

Grind rejected piece of tentacle monster contemptuously under your heel and command the voice to come down and fight like a scary magical girl.

862 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7677 16:38

Celebrate fire resistance by setting a piece of the tentacle monster on fire and holding it like a torch.

863 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7677 22:23

You feel a strange compulsion to check your current pyromancy level. As you thought, it is of course, five, because four plus one is five, not four.

You stamp firmly upon the abominable morsel of flesh. It squelches apologetically beneath your bare foot. You attempt to coax the mysterious little girl above you to fight you honourably, but to no avail. "Don't be silly," she admonishes, "I'm the final boss; you only get to fight me somewhere around >>960, and only after tying up all the side-plots."

Enjoying the thought of your newfound dominance of the element of fire, you take a remnant of tentacle, hold it at arm's length and spend five mana (to leave 130 remaining) on wreathing it in flame. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem particularly flammable.

"Surprise!" shouts the girl upstairs. The double doors at the North end of the ballroom explode from their hinges, and in burst four men, each of whom look exactly like Mecha Alexei Fujiwara, including the mechanical implants, and even the lack of trousers and the angular bulge in the underwear. They are all armed with laboratory equipment; one with a retort stand (complete with boss and clamp), one with a large chromatography column, one with a stack of petri dishes, and one with two glass conical flasks filled with a reddish brown, fuming liquid.

864 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7677 22:41

Explode into a massive cloud of magically flaming vampire bats and swarm them all, biting the fuck out of them!

865 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7677 22:48

Bite a crotch bulge.

866 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7678 06:03

Distract the Mecha clones by flashing our oppai, then shoot fireballs at each of them.

867 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7678 18:58

Be Stove Stove. Don't explode.

868 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7678 22:05

Mindblowingly awesome as that would no doubt be, you require level 12 telekinesis, level 5 healing, level 5 thaumaturgy and 75 mana to shapeshift. You currently have level 0 telekinesis, level 4 healing and level 2 thaumaturgy.

Given your opponents' characteristic meekness, you decide a bold, reckless attack is best. You run towards them and dive, face first, into the crotch of the Mecha Alexei clone wielding the chromatography column. He screams, loses grasp of the weapon, and falls onto his back. You bite viciously into his underwear, teeth encountering a certain resistance: it's something cube shaped, probably plastic.

At that moment you are struck on the back of the head by the business end of a retort stand, knocking you to the ground and giving you severe concussion. You are unable to avoid the subsequent attacks, and your life is swiftly brought to an end.

Deaths: 41

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>863)

You find that, as you are wearing nothing but a single piece of combat armour, flashing your oppai would require being totally nude. You proceed anyway, but make sure to cover your crotch with your right hand. The Mecha Alexei clones appear suitably distracted, so you drop your espada ropera and begin summoning and casting fireballs at all of them. The first strikes Retort Stand Mecha Alexei in the chest, knocking him to the ground and setting his shirt on fire. He starts rolling on the floor, trying to put out the flames.

Meanwhile, the other three, now made aware of the danger, make a tactful retreat into the room they came from. You can see that it has white tiled flooring and several long, straight benches; it's probably a laboratory of some sort. You fire at Chromatography Column Mecha Alexei as he is retreating, and catch him in the side. He drops his weapon, which shatters on the ground, and is left clutching his arm as he hides from view. You also fire at Conical Flask Mecha Alexei, but miss.

Petri Dish Mecha Alexei gingerly looks around the corner and throws several little glass discs at you. You find that his ocular implant and cybernetically enhanced hand have greatly improved his aim and strength, and, although one misses, you are struck twice in the collarbone and left cheek. Both leave small cuts, but neither seems life threatening. You retaliate with another fireball, but are too late, and miss. Having fired four fireballs you have expended 60 mana, leaving 70 mana remaining.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You try desperately to rescind your imminent demise, but you cannot think of anything but your own abandonment. The countdown ticks ever onwards; you have 39 minutes and 12 seconds until you explode.

869 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7679 05:37

Call a truce. There's no time for fighting, we need to save the universe!

870 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7679 05:38

(first being Jack)

871 Name: Sasai : 1993-09-7679 09:21


Sasai Shuya

872 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7679 21:55

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. Having the blood of so many on your hands already, you feel an immense weight upon your soul. If you have any hope of redeeming yourself you must learn to solve your problems with words, not senseless murder. You call out to the Mecha Alexeis, impressing upon them the need to save the universe. "From what?" interjects Petri Dish Mecha Alexei, having temporarily ceased fire.

"Ero," you reply. "I mean, just look at me; I'm completely naked! And you, you all have no trousers and bulging underwear! I know the bulges are just Rubik's cubes, but that's not the point. The point is that this universe has become far too erotic for an innocent young girl like myself to live in. As a former teacher, I think it is your moral duty to provide your former student with a learning environment free from unnecessary lewdness."

After a moment's thought, Petri Dish and Chromatography Column Mecha Alexeis emerge from the laboratory. They agree with your analysis of the situation, and concur that underage children should never be sexualised, nor placed in sexual situations. Chromatography Column Mecha Alexei throws a lab coat your way, so you can conceal your shameful, shameful body. Two Mecha Alexei Fujiwara clones have joined your party.

Retort Stand Mecha Alexei, meanwhile, has stopped rolling on the floor and appears to have passed out, though he is also no longer on fire. Conical Flask Mecha Alexei is nowhere to be found, and the armed guard from earlier, along with the laptop, have also vanished.

873 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7679 22:11

Ask Mecha Alexei to teach us physics.

874 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7679 22:21

Search for Onii-chan! We can't just leave him behind!

875 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7680 02:16

Put the quest on the backburner, go to college and learn everything necessary to do >>864's trick.

876 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7680 23:45

In all honesty, you weren't really expecting that argument to work, but you find yourself now tied down to the rights and responsibilities you have set forth with the Mecha Alexeis. Clothing yourself with the lab coat, you politely request tutelage in the study of physics. Buoyantly enthused, the two of them guide you into the laboratory and over to the whiteboard, where they explain, over the course of about half an hour, the general principles of classical and quantum physics, give qualitative explanations of thermodynamics and electromagnetism, and even touch on relativity. They also teach you a few useful concepts such as SI prefixes and units, scientific notation and dimensional analysis. You feel slightly overwhelmed.

With a pang of compunction, you remember that that poor gentleman from earlier is still missing - you cannot simply leave him behind in your quest for knowledge! He must learn about physics as well. Enlisting the aid of the Mecha Alexeis, you begin searching in the laboratory. You find a lot of obscure chemicals, glassware, laboratory notes, lasers, sources of radiation and other such delights, but not your Onii-chan. In the ballroom you find that Retort Stand Mecha Alexei has regained consciousness, but has suffered fairly serious burns across his chest. His retort stand has also gone missing, strangely enough.

Returning to where you last saw your former companion, you find that the parlour is still covered in ash and burned flesh as before. There are fresh footprints - a male's, wearing shoes - in the soot, leading to the spiral staircase. You ascend, finding yourself in a long hallway. To the West is the mezzanine above the ballroom. To the North is a door, ajar, opening onto an ornate dressing room, where you see the girl in the lilac dress sitting brushing her long, black hair. She smiles on noticing you. To the South is a closed door. To the East, the corridor continues a few tens of metres before reaching an old white, wooden door with a pane of frosted glass. It seems strangely out of place.

But never mind all that! You've more important things to be learning. Unfortunately, you cannot find any colleges, so you improvise instead. You work out that you require another sixteen skill points to unlock the shapeshifting ability, which would mean ritually murdering at least eight sapient beings. As far as living sapient beings are concerned, you know of four Mecha Alexeis in the vicinity, who may or may not be reanimated (and hence would not give skill points), plus the girl in lilac, who you are uncertain you could kill, plus Stove Stove and Onii-chan who are nowhere to be found.

877 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7681 05:32

Ask the girl to brush our hair.

878 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7681 12:42

Take the moon. Take the sun. Take anything that seems like fun. Stir it all up.

879 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7681 16:33

Take on me, take me on

880 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7681 23:44

"Please... would you... brush my hair?" you ask bashfully. She tilts her head to one side and smiles at you like an elderly dollmaker smiling at his finest creation. "Of course," she whispers. You sit by her feet and feel the bristles of the brush, in her loving, capable hands, glide along your scalp, easing apart your tussled, knotted, and in places burnt hair. You close your eyes and think of nothing in particular. The girl hums something: an old, simple melody; one you don't recognise, but which puts you deeply at ease.

You cannot locate, nor reach, the Moon or Sun, but - as it seems like fun - take a few minutes to reflect upon what "taking" a celestial body would even mean. It usually implies some sort of ownership, but ownership itself is already a somewhat cloudy issue. For instance, there is an American flag on the moon; does that mean it is "taken" by the USA? Well, no - but why not? Is it because they don't (or wouldn't be able to?) defend it from others attempting to take ownership? Is it the physical properties - proximity? Size? If so, what is the cut off point? A country can clearly be "taken", as history shows, but how could you take the Moon? You stir up all these arguments, but don't reach any meaningful conclusion.

You attempt to take on >>879, but unfortunately your only clue as to their identity is one solitary anonymous post on the internet, to which you don't even have access in your present predicament. You have no reason to suspect that >>879 is able to read your thoughts, but for what it's worth, you take them on via the age-old internet practice of groundless insult. "Fuck you. I hope you die slowly and painfully, you slow-witted, inarticulate sack of shit," you think to them.

881 Name: >>379 : 1993-09-7682 03:47

You should just kill yourself Jack, your life is worthless, nobody loves you, your mother is a slut-eating cuntmuffin and your father is a whoremongering pussy-scab!

882 Name: >>879 : 1993-09-7682 03:51

I don't know who that >>881 guy is trying to imitate me. He couldnt' even get my name right.

I harbor no ill will towards Jack.

But I will destroy him.

Jack, lift the little girl's dress and stare into her crotch.

883 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7682 23:17

You momentarily feel a faint prick of irritation, like the buzzing of a small insect. You dismiss it as nothing.

In one sudden motion, you grasp the hem of the girl's dress, throw it into the air, and duck your head under it. Looking up, you see... you see... light, blinding light, of every possible colour, radiating outwards in shifting, overlapping rays and beams. You never knew such beauty even existed. You spend minutes just staring at it, unable to look away, or even form a coherent thought. As you watch, it increases in intensity, more and more rays forming in ever more complex and beautiful motions. Then, something begins to form in the centre, a shape, it looks like...

But then, at that very moment, the universe explodes thanks to your companion Stove Stove.

Deaths: 42

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>880)

884 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7683 08:46

Since the little girl seems to have the ability to make clones, ask her to send a clone of us out to console Stove Stove.

885 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7683 17:27

Failing that, find Stove Stove yourself and send him to time out in the Void.

886 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7683 23:31

The girl stops brushing your hair, laughs conspiratorially and proposes that you join her in the laboratory downstairs. You do so. Once there, she turns on a computer at the side of the room, opens a program, types in a few lines of abstruse looking code, then closes it again. She then takes your hand and guides you through a door at the back of the room, along a narrow service corridor, down two flights of stairs and to a small basement room. In the centre of the room is a strange metal capsule with various wires and pipes leading from it into the floor. The capsule opens to reveal a perfect clone of yourself, differing only in that she is wearing a seifuku, has no obvious injuries to her hands, and her hair is not burnt as yours is.

The girl in lilac makes an odd hand gesture over the unconscious body, which opens its eyes, then, in the next instant, vanishes. "There!" she declares triumphantly, "I've sent a clone of you to say some kind words to Stove Stove. Of course, I can't promise what else she might or might not do..."

You think that Stove Stove should consider him/her/them/itself very lucky that you aren't around to administer some crotch-based castigation.

887 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7684 04:25

Go back to the computer and type random things.

888 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7684 23:03

You skip gaily back to the laboratory, eager to prove your worth as a mad scientist. With a flourish of the wrist and a few keystrokes, you type "random things" on the keyboard of the computer and hit enter.


889 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7685 06:27


random abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0123456789

890 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7685 13:09

type "sudo shutdown now"

891 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7685 23:51

RANDOMISING GENOME OF SAMPLES A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...


892 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7685 23:53

Attempt to edit text file in VIM.

893 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7686 23:45

You spend a few moments wondering how to operate this strange contraption. The screen offers no clues; the only things displayed are your commands and the computer's responses, all in unapologetic block capital white on black monospace text. There is no interface to speak of. The keyboard has only the letters A to Z, numbers 0 to 9, an enter key and a backspace.

You begin to type in "run vim", but only get as far as "ru" when you are struck, hard, on the back of the head by something made of glass. It shatters. You feel your scalp and the back of your neck splashed by something liquid. It burns! And not the nice, pretty sort of burning, the effects of which you are now resistant to; a horrible, chemical sort of burning. You collapse to the floor, twisting around to see what you are being attacked by. The last thing you perceive is Conical Flask Mecha Alexei charging at you, wielding a conical flask in one hand and a retort stand in the other. The retort stand hits you in the head. You are killed.

Deaths: 43

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>891)

894 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7687 00:34

Stand up, turn around, and go on a bloody hunt to ritualistically kill every sapient being we come across to gain mana, using our signature SpineBuster (tm) ritual-chanting knife-heart-stab combo!

895 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7687 00:36

Be Stove Stove, do a break dance without pants!

896 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7687 02:52

Be Continue. Attempt to treat your wounds.

897 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7687 23:52

You rise to your feet, feeling an all too familiar bloodlust coursing through your veins. This fragile allyship you've forged with the two Mecha Alexeis could never stand when they're just a ritualistic chant and a stab wound away from providing you with skill points and mana. A red mist descends over your vision, and you lose control of your actions. You are now nothing but a receptacle for the will of Eris, Huitzilopochtli, Armok, Shezmu, Khorne, Oyashiro-sama and whoever else wants blood.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find yourself on the edge of a large crater in a forest. Standing beside you, affectionately caressing your upper face, is the lovely Jack Conundrum-chan. She came back for you! Now you don't have to self-destruct! You're so glad you can scarcely express it in words. In fact, you can't express it in words because you aren't capable of speech, just as you are incapable of wearing pants. Instead, you express it in dance, by spinning around on one vertex in a display of what is apparently known as "breakdancing". Jack Conundrum-chan is surprised and elated by your exploits.

When you are finished, she goes back to stroking you and says, in a serious tone, "I need your help, Stove Stove. There's a mansion in the forest - it's just down that dirt track - and... and... Oh, it's so dreadful! Our former ally, Mecha Alexei, has betrayed us, and with the aid of his sick, unnatural sciences has created a clone of me. You can tell us apart by the fact that the clone still has wounds on her hands (I healed mine), and she's not wearing a seifuku like I am, because they couldn't clone that part. Quick, there's no time to lose! We have to infiltrate the mansion and kill my clone, along with Mecha Alexei."

You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You find yourself in complete darkness, lying on a stone floor, with severely injured legs and, currently, holding what seems to be a human foot. Thankfully, being undead, your wounds cannot be classed as life-threatening. In fact, the only thing which could threaten your continued existence is your bodily integrity being brought below 80%, at which point you would permanently deanimate. Though your legs are quite badly injured, and thus no longer serviceable, a cursory manual investigation reveals that they are by no means deformed, so you are in no real peril. On the other hand, as you are undead, your injuries will no longer heal over time. It's possible that Conundrum-chan's magical healing ability could help, but she's nowhere to be found. You have no other means of treatment at your disposal.

You hear a very faint murmuring coming from the same direction as the human foot you are holding.

898 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7688 02:40

Investigate murmuring, but use the severed foot to prod ahead in the darkness rather than risk touching anything untoward.

899 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7688 04:55

Hum a soft, soothing tune.

900 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7688 06:33

( ・-・) 900 GET

901 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7688 23:51

On attempting to use the foot as a makeshift white cane, you come to the realisation that it is not, in fact, severed, but is still attached to a body. The body is entirely inanimate, and you cannot feel a pulse. By touch, you establish that it seems to be fairly small - probably a child - and is wearing a dress. There is a damp patch around the sternum area. You continue crawling forwards, pointing the body's leg at the darkness ahead of you. Eventually, the foot meets resistance - a wall. Pressing your ear to it, you can just about make out some words: "...wounds... seifuku... no time to lose... kill my clone..."

The events of the past day or so have been very trying for you. Really, you could do with any comfort you can come by, however meagre. You hum something to yourself; it's not even a real tune, just something you make up as you go along. Suddenly, a synthesised voice booms from somewhere above you, "PILOT DETECTED. INITIALISING: PLEASE WAIT."

The ground shakes, then shifts ninety degrees. You and the body you are holding are thrown around violently. You feel the walls warp, deform, compress around you, and at some point the foot is torn from your grasp. Your field of view is suddenly filled with light. Once your eyes adjust, you find yourself staring out at a forest from a metre or two above the ground. Overlaid onto this view are various undecipherable graphs and figures, as well as some text:


Just under your hands you find a set of controls, which seem to operate whatever strange vehicle you currently find yourself inside. Outside, you see Jack Conundrum-chan, who appears rather surprised, to say the least.

No matter how beady you try to make your eyes, you cannot get 900.

902 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7689 00:10

Charge up mobile suit's power level to over 9000

903 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7689 08:33

Break dance without pants! To get acquainted with the controls.

904 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 07:46

Look under the seat for an emergency flotation device

905 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 14:28

After some cautious experimentation, you find the controls governing the batteries and power distribution. The main batteries are at 81% charge, emergency batteries at 100%. You can't find any way of displaying charge in absolute units. You know you certainly can't charge anything to 9000%; that's going against the very principle of what percentages are supposed to represent. Maybe you could charge up to 9000‱? But how? You have no idea how this thing works.

The movement controls prove very simple and intuitive. Just moments after you are taking your first steps in the suit, you are as familiar with the controls as with a childhood friend. Eager to test your skill, and the dexterity of the suit itself, you take to spinning around on your back, jumping into the air and landing on only one hand, and flipping and somersaulting back and forth like a trapeze artist on psychostimulants. Conundrum-chan, in a rare display of sensible behaviour, backs away and watches from a distance.

You're not sure you can really call where you currently are a seat. The walls have moulded themselves around your entire body, leaving only your hands and forearms free to move, and even those only as far as the controls. You cannot look or reach under or behind you, which is a little worrying; were you to fall into a large body of water, you are unsure how buoyant this device would prove. Then again, there isn't exactly a lot of risk of your drowning/dying of hypothermia.

906 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 16:51

Be Jack. Don't die!

907 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 19:01

Become one with the plane, feel it as if it were your body.

908 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:26

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself in the doorway between the ballroom and the laboratory, covered in blood, and in the midst of some strange combination of chanting and screaming. There are the corpses of four Mecha Alexei clones and one Onii-chan arranged radially in the centre of the room, with a large, elborate ceremonial circle drawn around them in blood. Each corpse has many stab wounds in their chest. You are pleasantly surprised to find that you have ten unspent skill points and 570 mana.

You try to become part of a two-dimensional plane, but unfortunately you don't really know how to go about becoming one with mathematical concepts.

909 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:32

Spend 2 skill points on healing and the other 8 on telekinesis.

910 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:53

Find the piano and play a Chopin Nocturne.

911 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 07:05

put face firmly between dead oniichan's buttocks

deeply inhale

912 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 20:31

You assign two skillpoints to healing, unlocking the following skills:

  • Spontaneous blood generation (active skill): Can generate blood within own body. Costs 10 mana per litre.
  • Complete regeneration (active skill): Can completely regenerate self or other living being, up to and including regrowing missing limbs. Costs 100 mana.

While you're at it, you also assign eight skillpoints to telekinesis, unlocking:

  • Telekinesis (small objects)(active skill): Can affect acceleration of objects weighing less than one kilogram within a range of ten metres by up to one metre per second squared. Costs 10 mana per object. Can be maintained indefinitely, but can only move one object at a time.
  • Telekinesis (medium objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (small objects), but with mass limit of 100kg. Costs 100 mana per object.
  • Telekinesis (large objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (medium objects), but with mass limit of 10000kg. Costs 1000 mana per object.
  • Teleportation (self)(active skill): Can instantaneously transfer own body to any other position within ten metres. Target volume displaced must not contain any matter not in gas phase. Costs 10 mana per teleportation.
  • Levitation (passive skill): Own body is not affected by gravity. Cannot be disabled.
  • Deamputation (active skill): Can reattach severed digits or limbs. Costs 20 mana.
  • Teleportation resistance (passive skill): Cannot be involuntarily teleported by another entity.
  • Teleportation (other)(active skill): Can instantaneously transfer another entity's body to any other position within ten metres. Target volume displaced must not contain any matter not in gas phase. Costs 20 mana per teleportation.

You feel yourself floating slightly off the floor and in possession of level six healing and level eight telekinesis.

The piano currently constitutes a mass of splinters and broken pieces of ivory in the Northeast corner of the room. You tap melancholically at the remains of the keys, but no sound is produced.

Onii-chan appears to still be wearing his combat armour, with the exception of the helmet. There are several stab wounds gouged into the back of his neck. You press your face into the back of the legpiece of his armour, but cannot smell anything other than blood.

You hear a rhythmic thumping sound in the distance. Looking through the window, you can see a large, roughly humanoid silhouette making its way through the garden, towards your current position.

913 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 23:41

Hide underneath the remains of the piano. Try not to giggle.

914 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7693 16:59

Strike the earth and dig deep.

915 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7693 22:26

Fear prickling at the nape of your neck, you cower beneath the fractured mass of varnished wood and ivory. It is such a poor hiding place that you have difficulty not laughing at the sheer absurdity of it, but the thought of that strange, threatening jet black figure outside quells your mirth. The thumping grows ever louder, ever nearer, then you see the object of your terror - a huge, segmented humanoid robotic figure, made of gleaming black stone. It scans the room from outside the windows. Thankfully, it overlooks you, likely distracted by the distastefully arranged corpses in the centre of the room. A voice comes from nearby - your voice! - and says "How horrifying! This must be their work. We have to stop them right away."

You begin to pick at the parquet flooring using the ceremonial stone knife you happen to be holding (left over from your murderous rampage earlier). You succeed in digging about two centimetres deep, to the underside of the wooden floor, before reaching a layer of filled concrete, impenetrable to your impromptu excavation instrument.

You are in the Northeast corner of the room. The stone behemoth, along with a clone of yourself, is just outside the row of windows to the West. As far as potential escape routes are concerned, the nearest is the double doors in the North wall leading to the laboratory; alternatively, there is a door in the East wall leading to the parlour, or a door to the Southwest leading to the garden. If you don't do something soon, you will almost certainly be found.

916 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 01:49

Forget hiding and fly around like Son Goku to exhilerate in your new levitation powers.

917 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 16:23

Go to the garden and eat some flowers.

918 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 17:43

Then proceed to expand dong.

919 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 23:16

Freed at last from the shackles of gravitation, you jump in the air and float, at a moderate but by no means superhuman pace, towards the ceiling. You are interested to find that you are still at the whim of air resistance, so you do slow down noticeably over time. You hear an exclamation from outside - "Look! It's her!" - and immediately become the target of a spray of antimatter bullets from the large, black humanoid outside. As you are floating in the air, unable to manoeuvre out of their path, you die, messily.

Deaths: 44

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>915)

You sprint across the room, eliciting the attention of the two outside, and narrowly avoid being blown to smithereens on your way to the door to the Southwest. You find yourself on a small patio above an embankment, leading down to a set of gardens. There are rose bushes and ornamental hedges lining the bank, and, beyond that, a herb garden and a hedge maze. Further away, you can see a lake and, atop a hill in the middle distance, a gazebo.

You rush to the nearest rose bush and, frantically, knowing that this might be the last thing you ever do, pluck one of the flowers from it and stuff it into your mouth. You dive down the hill, narrowly avoiding being annihilated along with the poor bush you were just next to. You find yourself at the bottom of the bank, at the entrance to the hedge maze. You choke down the mass of petals and plant matter. It doesn't taste very nice, to be honest.

You try to expand the area in which the Vietnamese dong currency - famously one of the least valued currency units, along with Zimbabwean dollars - is used, but unfortunately your economic/diplomatic influence is rather limited, being, as you are, otherwise occupied with your own clone and the giant robot by her side.

920 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 00:09

Dart between the robot and the gazebo, trying to get the gazebo hit in the crossfire. That gazebo could be dangerous, after all.

921 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 05:05

Lure the enemy into the hedge maze, then set the maze on fire.

922 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 21:44

You are, by now, well aware of the treacherous nature of these so-called "gazebos". The last one you battled was, itself, a distraction, and nearly led to you being ambushed by some sort of giant blue demon. This one is no doubt more fiendish still. You try to use the strength of the attacking robot against your other, more sessile adversary, but unfortunately you are at the bottom of a hillside, meaning that the trajectories of the machine's bullets don't come anywhere near the right angle. Furthermore, you find that deliberately putting yourself in the path of antimatter ammunition, even with your commendable agility, is a very dangerous pastime. You are struck by a projectile and killed.

Deaths: 45

You run into the labyrinth, darting back and forth almost at random, but heading ever deeper. You do your best to tempt your pursuers with taunts such as "Hah! They'll never find me in here!" and "Oh no, now I'm lost! What ever shall I do?". The robot rises to the bait, and begins to trample its way across the rows of hedges towards you. You cannot see or hear what your clone is doing.

Once you judge that the titan figure has been lured near enough, you begin to use your magical firelighting (active skill) on the hedges as you pass by, sparking a slow, but steady conflagration. For good measure, you fire a few fireballs into the air, to land in other parts of the maze. In the process, you spend 55 mana, leaving you 515 mana remaining.

A mechanically amplified voice echoes across the space. It's Continue-chan. "Conundrum-chan, please," she pleads, "I... I know you aren't really Conundrum-chan, but even so, I don't want to have to hurt you. Please, just come out, and we can talk this through."

923 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 22:41

Attempt to teleport Continue out of the robot.

924 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 22:50

Propose marriage to Continue-chan.

925 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 23:57

Read Jojo

926 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 00:28

Be a sissy who acts like a woman

927 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 01:21

Kiss Conundrum-chan to convince her we are the real deal and not a cheap copy.

928 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 02:09

Don Armor of Nigrous Nincompoopery.

929 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 08:05

Prove our originality by making original content on DQN.

930 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 23:05

Perhaps you will parley with Continue-chan, but it shall be on your terms, not hers. The towering stone suit she finds herself inside is already within ten metres of you, so you simply employ your Teleportation (other)(active skill) to pluck her from her steed. She appears at your feet, looking very dazed, and quite scared.

To use your Proposal (active skill), you of course require an engagement ring. You hurriedly attempt to fashion one from a twig taken from the nearby hedges, but at that very moment, your clone dives around the corner holding a ring made out of a rose stem with the thorns removed. Before you have a chance to respond to this threat, she kneels on one knee and proposes marriage to the still stunned Continue-chan.

You feel a sudden impulse to read Jojo, Roger Caron's 1988 novel about escaping from prison, but unfortunately there aren't any copies available to you right now.

You continue to play as Jack Conundrum-chan. You coward! Running away from the only person who ever loved you - even if she was in a giant robot suit and trying to kill you - how could you? Now, her affection is being stolen from you, before your very eyes. How can you call yourself a woman now? For all the arcane knowledge and ritual murder, you are still nothing but a lost, scared little girl.

You grab your clone by the shoulders and press your face into hers. Your lips meet, and you press fervently on, tongue probing into her mouth. She does not resist. You have no idea how this is supposed to convince the cloned Conundrum-chan that you are real and she is not, but you'll get to that. For that matter, have you convinced yourself that you're the genuine article? You've passed out enough times; what if the real you was replaced with a clone of you, cunningly left in the right place at the right time with the right memories?

You possess no such thing. The only thing in your inventory even remotely related to armour is the lab coat you're wearing.

You cannot access DQN just now, as you lack access to the internet. If you were able to access it, however, you'd surely start a wonderful new thread, with a simple yet profound idea that everyone can participate in, and which goes on to garner many hundreds of replies.

931 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 00:54

Be Continue-chan. Propose a threesome.

932 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 11:46

Then get the hell out of there, as cute as they are, those two are clearly both dangerous psychopathic murderers!

933 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 16:04

Pray to Sterquilinus.

934 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 21:50

You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You have absolutely no idea what's going on with the two Conundrum-chan's - who's real/fake, who's good/evil, who's marrying whom - so you decide the best course of action is to try to pacify everyone, if possible. You tentatively put forward the idea of pooling your strength into a triumvirate. The Conundrum-chans turn to face one another, and their eyes narrow slightly. After some heated argument, each concludes that they will only be civil towards the other if they are the one you marry.

You get the feeling you're forgetting something. Ah! That's right, the pile of ritually murdered bodies in the ballroom, composed largely of clones of poor Mecha Alexei - whom you thought Conundrum-chan was quite fond of. Not to mention, she also murdered you a while back. Given her track record of murdering every single companion she has ever had (with the exception of Control Tower, whose blood(?) is on your hands), perhaps you oughtn't to stick around. You try to run away, but then remember that your legs are broken.

You close your eyes and offer a quick prayer to the patron deity of manure, asking him to fertilise your future. There is no reply.

935 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:00

Be Jack. Propose marriage to our clone.

936 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:04

Take advantage of the distraction to teleport behind our clone and then fireball her head.

937 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:53

Call clone a poopy head.

938 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 20:47

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You feel a complex and deeply confusing array of emotions towards your doppelgänger - hatred, murderous rage, envy, lust, and more - but the easiest solution to all your problems is, obviously, to marry her. Not only does it preclude her from stealing away your precious Continue-chan, but it helps you to, as the famous adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. "Conundrum-chan," you say confidently, getting down on one knee again, "Will you marry me?"

She cocks her head to one side and replies, "No; I'm marrying Continue-chan. Isn't that right?" She glares meaningfully at Continue-chan, who appears to be trying to crawl away in the general direction of Stove Stove.

As she is momentarily preoccupied, you teleport yourself behind her. Unfortunately, she had her back to a hedge, which now stands between the two of you. Before she has even noticed your absence, you have summoned and cast a fireball towards her. It is mostly absorbed by the hedge - which promptly catches alight - but enough reaches her to make her jump up and yelp, patting at her smouldering hair. You have 470 mana remaining.

Now's the time! Now, when her self confidence is at its nadir, you choose to deliver a devastating verbal assault. She appears quite taken aback and frowns violently, creasing her facial features. The corners of her eyes dampen. "No!" she declares, "You're a poopy head!" Still reeling from this reckless counterattack, you stare dumbly through the burning hole in the hedge at your clone, as her hands grip - then begin to lift - the hem of her skirt. Surely she isn't planning to use her crotch against you, is she?

939 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 23:18

Teleport our clone 10 meters up into the sky, then use our regeneration powers to heal Continue-chan's legs. That should prove our true love!

940 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 00:41

Run away, screaming and waving our arms spastically like Kermit the Frog.

941 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 21:01

You've had quite enough of your clone and her shenanigans, you decide. No sooner have you thought this than she is gone, exploring the lower troposphere and no doubt enjoying a lovely aerial view of the burning hedge maze. You try to cast Complete regeneration (active skill) on Continue-chan, but unfortunately it only works on living creatures, and your beloved childhood friend has been dead a while now. How bothersome! You don't have a chance to express your exasperation, however, because at that moment your clone lands on top of you, crotch first. With nothing but a quiet whooshing noise, you are erased from this universe.

Deaths: 46

(Continuing from most recently saved game: >>938)

You simply cannot handle this situation any more. Fully aware that both of your companions lack your fire resistance, you leave them in the midst of a - by now - quite substantially ablaze labyrinth. In an effort to rid yourself of the stress and frustration of dealing with your other self, you scream and shake your arms around madly, running about with no heed for your path. A minute or so later, you find yourself outside the maze, at the base of the hill with the gazebo on it. The building is nicely framed by a pair of large oak trees to either side of it. Inside is a wrought iron table and set of chairs, in one of which is that girl in lilac, happily sipping at a cup of tea. She waves to you amiably.

942 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 21:14

Give in to starvation.

943 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 01:24

944 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 02:39

Ask the lilac girl for a cup of tea.

945 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 19:45

Don't drink any tea we might receive. Hold it out at arm's length and pour it slowly and deliberately on the floor.

946 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 23:35

You decide you've had quite enough of coming close to suffering bizarre and ridiculous deaths. I mean, who's to say you won't be ritually murdered by someone as avaricious as yourself? Or be devoured by tentacles? Or just accidentally fall into your own crotch? Really, it's a wonder you're still alive at all. You may as well end it yourself, properly, and starvation seems an appropriately noble, oddly poetic sort of death to aim for. You sit around for an immense length of time, not really paying attention to what's happening, but firmly refusing all food offered to you. Against all the odds, you succeed in your endeavour, and die in an incredibly slow and torturous manner.

Deaths: 47

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>941)

You serenade the girl in lilac with one of the more dubious entries in your musical repertoire. She listens patiently, chin in hand, stopping only to take another sip of her tea. When you are done, she smiles and beckons you closer.

You skip gleefully up the hill and take a seat opposite the enigmatic, finely dressed young lady. She gladly pours you out a cup of black tea, letting you help yourself to milk and sugar. "Come to think of it," she says, "I don't think I properly introduced myself earlier. My name's Cassandra, but you can call me Cassie-chan. I'm so glad you've chosen to join me for a tea party, especially considering, all thing considered, we ought to be fighting. Think about it; you've been facing ever stronger enemies over the course of these escapades, and I'm by far the strongest thing you've met so far."

She pauses a moment, drinks the rest of her tea, then resumes her pontifications while preparing herself another cup. "That's why I'm so glad to see you have superseded this silly, cliché sort of idea that every adventure needs a "final boss". Just because I'm more powerful than you and we're serving different agendas doesn't mean we can't sit down and discuss this over tea."

Without a word, you stand up and libate the tea onto the wooden flooring of the gazebo. There is absolute, dead silence between the two of you. Her eyes narrow, and she says, slowly, deliberately, "I see. So that's how it is." With a deep breath, she stands up from her seat and faces you, an inscrutable look on her face.

You review your situation. You are currently armed with an espada ropera and a very, very bloody ceremonial stone knife. In the maze below is Continue-chan and your clone, both of whom are potential allies and both of whom are likely in danger from the fire, along with a robotic suit, which may prove useful in its own ways. In the mansion is some combat armour (although it really doesn't fit you very well), a laser gun, and facilities for cloning, amongst other things.

947 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 05:35

Formally challenge Cassandra to a one-on-one duel to the death, with 24 uninterrupted hours to prepare.

948 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 06:57

Ask if Cassandra has a Cassandra Complex.

949 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:32

Declare yourself to be stronger than ever.

950 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:42

The girl laughs openly, cruelly, at your suggestion. "You have until midnight," she asserts, "And it shan't be one-on-one. Bring all your allies; you'll need them."

She smirks and says, cryptically, "Well, I can give you one warning that I know will go unheeded: soon, you'll wish you had more friends."

Without warning, she vanishes in a flash of light, leaving her half-full teacup gently steaming on the table.

951 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:58

Addressing thin air, you expound your might and martial prowess. There is no response.

952 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 04:00

Make fart noises with your mouth as you lament your inability to pass actual intestinal gasses.

953 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 04:39

Teleport Continue-chan and our clone out of the burning maze and heal them as best as possible. If our clone is beyond saving, ritualistically kill her for the skill points.

954 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 13:28


955 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 20:49

"Prrrrrp," you say, fighting back the tears. Why can't you just pass wind like everyone else? Why is your body so cripplingly inadequate? Is it your intestinal flora? Have you not been eating enough probiotic yoghurt? Oh, cruel fate! It's more than you can bear.

You wander back to the hedge maze. The edges, especially near the mansion, are already nothing but ash and cinders, but more or less all of the rest is nothing but a raging inferno. Enormous flames, metres tall, lick at the sky, as thick, coal-black clouds of smoke tower above you, blotting out the sun. You get as close as you can, but cannot locate anybody, living or otherwise. After an hour or so the fire begins to die down enough to allow further exploration. You find that not only have the two vanished without a trace, but so has the enormous robotic suit Continue-chan came in.

Lost, bereft, feeling nothing but your own solitude pressing down upon you, you bend your knee and pledge yourself to - to what? What is it you fight for? You aren't sure any more.

It is late afternoon, and the sun is already well on its way towards the horizon. You have only a few short hours until midnight.

956 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 23:44

Find out what a paladin is.

957 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 03:33

Go back to the masnion, find the cloning machine, and clone self as much as possible.

958 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 16:15

Make the clones super dumb.
Then kill them all for mana and skill points.

959 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 16:23

960 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 19:43

Put enough skill points into social skills to persuade some intelligent clones to help fight Cassandra.
After all, they're still technically us, so she'd be fighting Jack and it would still be a duel.

961 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7704 07:21

Hug self

962 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7704 23:53

You are struck by a sudden awareness that you aren't really sure what a paladin is. Given that you've a few hours to spare, you wander back to the mansion, explore until you find a library, then trace up and down the shelves until you find a dictionary. You check a few other dictionaries and encyclopaedias for good measure, and thus learn that "paladin" can refer either to one of the twelve elite warriors of Charles I's court, or, by extension, to any heroic knightly figure.

You make your way downstairs to the laboratory. Though you aren't sure what time it is, the sun has set and the lighting inside the mansion is wholly inadequate. The shadows play tricks with your eyes, and you hear faint noises - creaking, occasionally tapping. The console is as obfuscatory and unhelpful as ever, and, when you do eventually manage to create a clone of yourself, brings up a message reading:


Going downstairs to the basement room where your clone showed up before, you find another clone of yourself has materialised in an odd, mechanical capsule, as before. Pleased with your preliminary success, you return to the laboratory to continue tinkering. There are an incredible number of variables you can modify via the console, but none seem to control intelligence specifically. After some experimentation, all you manage to create is three completely unresponsive, comatose - but still breathing - clones of yourself. The console now claims that the substrate count is two (whatever that means). You ritually dispose of the useless clones, gaining six skill points and 300 mana. You now have six unspent skill points and 770 mana.

Unfortunately, you don't think you can play games on the cloning machine console, not even games as profound and deeply meaningful as Penis Cloner.

Much as you'd like to improve your social skills - goodness knows you could do with it - you think this would be better achieved through practising light conversation and mental restraint. These skill points, whatever they are, are more associated with arcane and forbidden techniques and knowledge.

You feel uneasy. You hear a faint noise behind you - a footstep? Or just your imagination? Looking up, you find your own clone; the one whom you last saw in the burning hedge maze. Her clothing, hair, and the skin on her legs are charred and burnt. She has a stern look on her face. She is holding a laser gun to your forehead. "Don't move," she says, "You... you monster, you left us to die! I've been watching you, you've been creating more clones, just to kill them as well! Doesn't human life have any meaning to you at all‽"

Finally, an intelligent clone! You put all your social skills into action in an attempt to persuade her to join you in your crusade against the foul Lady Cassandra - and also, perhaps, not point that laser gun at you. Against all the odds, you actually manage to come to a compromise; she'll fight alongside you, on the condition that you do not create any more clones of yourself.

Rejoicing in your newly forged armistice, you embrace your clone. She reciprocates the gesture. She smells like burning. What a delightful scent, you think to yourself.

963 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 00:20

Ask what happened to Continue.

Also, check possible fields that skill points could be spent on.

964 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 05:55

Heal clone.
Put all skill points into matrimony.
Use knife to cut some wire from the computer and make a ring.
Propose marriage to clone.

965 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 14:00

Be clone. Refuse marriage. Eat own hand in protest.

966 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 20:55

Your clone claims that, with her aid, Continue-chan got back into the mobile suit - which is ostensibly in fact Stove Stove - and walked off into the sunset, down a dirt track into the forest. She says that it wasn't the same one leading to the enormous crater.

Available skills are telekinesis, pyromancy, necromancy, healing, enchantment, matrimony, thaumaturgy and theoretical physics.

Now that you've plenty of mana to spare, you go ahead and spend 50 mana using Magical healing (active skill) on your clone. The skin on her legs blisters over and cutifies. She appears surprised at your uncharacteristic philanthropy, and cautiously expresses her thanks.

You spend all six of your skill points on matrimony, unlocking the following skills:

  • Bigamy (passive skill): able to marry up to two partners.
  • Polygamy (passive skill): able to marry multiple partners.
  • Autogamy (passive skill): able to marry self.
  • Witnessless marriage (passive skill): able to legally marry without the presence of witnesses.
  • Ministerless marriage (passive skill): able to legally marry without the presence of a minister.
  • Divorce (active skill): able to divorce from spouse.

You hack at the wires leading out of the back of the computer with your ceremonial stone knife, cutting them. You try to fashion the cable into a ring, but, as your hand brushes against the internal wire filaments, you find yourself accidentally forming a segment of an electrical circuit. You die of electrocution.

Deaths: 48

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>962)

You attempt to use Proposal (active skill) on your clone, but lack an engagement ring.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan's clone. To be honest, you still don't trust the original Conundrum-chan in the slightest; certainly not enough to vow to be with her until death do you part. In fact, you find the idea so repulsive, you try to chew off your own ring finger to prevent it, without much success.

967 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 01:37

Put 2 skill points into telekinesis so I can finally rearrange the matter in my hand to create an anti-light source that absorbs and violently reacts with light.

968 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 18:23

Shed a single tear for the past world.

969 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 19:02

Quick! Search for the files!

970 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 19:39

Make grinding noises with your teeth

971 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 21:59

rub rod

972 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 14:08


973 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 18:30

Give remaining skill points to clone.

974 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 23:41

As Jack Conundrum-chan's clone lacks any available skill points, you go back to playing as the original Jack Conundrum-chan. You put two skill points into telekinesis, unlocking the following skills:

  • Increased range (passive skill): All telekinesis abilities limited to a range of ten metres are now extended to twenty metres.
  • Partial shapeshifting (active skill): Can shapeshift portions of your body; no more than one limb at a time. Mass-energy, electrical charge, CPT symmetry and momentum must be conserved. Costs 50 mana.

You have four unspent skill points remaining.

A drop of fluid traces a path down your cheek. You aren't sure why.

The files! The files! Where are the files? Ah! That's right, you dropped them back at >>538. Well, there's no use searching if you already know where they are. Besides, they can't be that important; surely, you have everything you need already.

You grind your molars against one another. An abrasive sound resonates through your skull.

You caress the shaft of the retort stand nearby. No genies pop out.

You don't know how to xyzzy.

Similarly, you have no idea how to go about donating abstract concepts such as skill points. You aren't even sure what skill points are, for that matter.

975 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 00:34

Dance like you've got no pants!

976 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 00:43

Heal clone and ask her to help us build a makeshift fort out of whatever we can find.

977 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 04:51

Do something to advance the plot since this thread is almost over

978 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 07:24

Drag out the pre-final-battle plot as long as possible.

979 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 13:47

Add flashback film clips quickly before the final battle starts.

980 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7709 21:09

Repair the piano.

981 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7709 21:43

You dance quietly, in the middle of the laboratory, shifting your limbs to and fro rhythmically to music that only you can hear. You find that you don't need to pretend you lack legwear, as all you're wearing at present is a labcoat. At that moment, an unpleasant thought makes itself known to you: are you really dancing like you've got no pants? Is this perchance something separate from actually dancing without pants? If a person were dancing whilst wearing pants but pretending they weren't, would the pants still influence their dancing? Perhaps not even consciously; the slight constriction of the clothing would limit your movement, however imperceptibly - not to mention the risk of exposing one's crotch (an even greater danger for you personally) would be different whether you were in fact at risk of exposure or only feigning thus. Then of course there's the taxonomical question of what is meant by "pants" - is it in the UK sense (i.e. underpants) or the US sense (i.e. trousers)? Or is it the plural of "pant", as in "the dog had been panting so much that it had no pants left"? You find that you're no longer in the mood for dancing.

You spend 50 mana healing your poor clone's wounds as a gesture of goodwill. She seems grateful, even if she doesn't express it much. The two of you gather chairs, a table and a few cardboard boxes, and set about constructing yourselves a little bastion. You find that the most easily defensible position is the fume cupboard on the Eastern wall, which you both duly climb into and build upon. You feel warm and safe inside.

Try as you might to create some sort of event or plot device, it still isn't midnight and nothing whatsoever is happening in the laboratory.

You quietly reflect upon the nearing of the thread's ending, and how it fits into the greater phenomenon of human achievement and creation - the inevitability that everything that grows, changes and lives must, too, come to a close and die.

"Don't worry," says your clone, patting your hand, "I bet there'll be a part two anyway."

You decide to spend a while staring at your own toenails. They're pink, with an off white lining, as is normal. Though one would expect them to decrease in size proportionally to the size of the associated toe, you find that, with the exception of the big toenail (which, it goes without saying, is substantially larger than the rest) they are each much the same. This is true of both feet. You find the shape of the toenails themselves, especially the big toenail, to be quite aesthetically pleasing. The sweeping curve of the leading edge, outlined by the hyponychium, provides a striking contrast to the relatively straight lines around the cuticle.

You think back on your past escapades, reliving the memories in your head. Remember that time you consumed a tentacle monster with your crotch? Or the time you cybernetically enhanced your teacher? Oh, and who could forget that time you murdered your beloved childhood friend, the only person who'd ever truly loved you, in cold blood?

You make your way back to the ballroom, but one glance at the piano - currently little more than sawdust - is enough to make you give up. Standing in the middle of the ballroom, however, is a very startled looking Mecha Alexei. "Argh!" he exclaims on seeing you, then, struggling to regain his composure, continues, "I, um, need access to the cloning apparatus. It's very important. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave the room as well."

982 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 01:57


983 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 02:23

Tell Mecha Alexei that we will comply with his demands but only if he pledges his life to help us defeat Cassandra.

984 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 04:43

tap two blue mana and cast counterspell

985 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 07:35

Go back to the closet and hug our clone warmly.

986 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 15:31

Be Stove Stove. Save the day.

987 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 23:25

You aren't sure how to do that.

Having no immediate need for the cloning facilities, you have no particular reason to refuse - but, at the same time, there's no such thing as a free lunch. You briefly outline the predicament you find yourself entrenched in and firmly request Mecha Alexei's allyship. Upon mention of the midnight deadline, he glances at his left wrist and says, offhandedly, "That's in less than fifteen minutes, you know? Anyway, yes, certainly, I agree to fight Cassie-chan. Don't worry about it." Without waiting for your concurrence, he rushes into the laboratory, slamming the doors shut behind himself.

You try to tap your finger against your mana, but find yourself again deceived by the apparent existence of abstract concepts. You can no more touch your mana - blue or otherwise - than you can quantum chromodynamics. You cannot cast counterspell as there aren't any spells being cast upon you (to your knowledge). Even if there were, most of the spells cast upon you so far have been of the giant fireball variety, and your countering has consisted generally of proactive offence. You may have difficulty defending against any more sophisticated attack.

You have thus far been quite open about your sapphic tendencies, but, you decide, it may be time to get back "in the closet", so to speak. To demonstrate your raging heterosexuality, you go ahead and embrace your clone, showing how, despite the proximity to a beautiful girl, you have absolutely no desire to kiss, fondle or marry her.

You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find yourself, an enormous stone mecha suit containing an undead schoolgirl, standing in an alpine meadow near the top of a small mountain. You can see, about a kilometre or two downhill, the grounds of a large mansion. There is a fairly brisk east wind blowing, and the cumulus fractus is billowing along the planetary boundary layer at an impressive pace. You feel wonderfully at ease, intimately close to a cute little girl, looking out over a peaceful vista, with nothing and no one trying to attack or abandon you. The day is saved. You need do nothing more.

988 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 05:12

eat cumulus fractus

989 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 07:58

Be innocent.

990 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 09:20

Find Cassandra and crush her!

991 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 13:58

eat dicks

992 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7713 03:51

Be Jack. Sneak into the cloning room to see what Alexei is up to.

993 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 21:27

Making full use of your autonomy and sentience, you go ahead and take control from Continue-chan, launch yourself into the air and attempt to consume one of those delightfully picturesque cloud formations. Your passenger appears quite distressed by this, and immediately instigates a manual override. You didn't even know that was possible. To your dismay, you are forced back down to earth, without having tasted that heavenly candyfloss-like substance.

Continue-chan enters into your internal console:

What the hell? Was that you, Stove Stove?

Try as you might to be innocent, you know at heart you are guilty of her accusation.

Again, you launch into the air, filled with indignation at the continued existence of that foul Cassandra girl. Why, she has even indirectly threatened the wellbeing of your beloved companions! For this, nothing but a violent, forceful compression of some or all of her body by yourself will suffice. Unfortunately, you find yourself once again grounded by an unamused Continue-chan.

You jump into the air, ready to embark on a quest to consume at least two people with the first name Richard, but to no avail. You really have to do something about this manual override business, you decide.

You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. Employing all of your skill in espionage and secrecy, you put your ear to the door and listen for a time to enter unnoticed. You hear, very faintly, tapping at the computer terminal, followed by footsteps leading away. You sneak into the laboratory, now empty, and carefully make your way to the computer. It seems to indicate sample J0 has been imprinted onto one of the two remaining substrates.

You hear two sets of footsteps approaching from the direction of the door at the back of the laboratory.

994 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 22:42

sabotage machine

995 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 23:16

Attack the darkness!

996 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 23:22

Eat the darkness then become the darkness.

997 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 03:19

Clench up every muscle and grunt like a sweaty homo from Dragon Ball Z as you prepare for the ultimate post.

998 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 03:36

Do not make another one of these threads after this ends

999 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 04:15

Use the power of >>1000GET to make a new thread with unlocked DLC, bonus power-ups, better graphics, hidden levels and more!

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