We seem to have lost contact with the Control Tower.[grinding noises] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-6882 14:51

These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.

901 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7688 23:51

>>898
On attempting to use the foot as a makeshift white cane, you come to the realisation that it is not, in fact, severed, but is still attached to a body. The body is entirely inanimate, and you cannot feel a pulse. By touch, you establish that it seems to be fairly small - probably a child - and is wearing a dress. There is a damp patch around the sternum area. You continue crawling forwards, pointing the body's leg at the darkness ahead of you. Eventually, the foot meets resistance - a wall. Pressing your ear to it, you can just about make out some words: "...wounds... seifuku... no time to lose... kill my clone..."

>>899
The events of the past day or so have been very trying for you. Really, you could do with any comfort you can come by, however meagre. You hum something to yourself; it's not even a real tune, just something you make up as you go along. Suddenly, a synthesised voice booms from somewhere above you, "PILOT DETECTED. INITIALISING: PLEASE WAIT."

The ground shakes, then shifts ninety degrees. You and the body you are holding are thrown around violently. You feel the walls warp, deform, compress around you, and at some point the foot is torn from your grasp. Your field of view is suddenly filled with light. Once your eyes adjust, you find yourself staring out at a forest from a metre or two above the ground. Overlaid onto this view are various undecipherable graphs and figures, as well as some text:

COMPUTERISED SYSTEMS ONLINE
MECHANICAL SYSTEMS ONLINE
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEMS ONLINE
WEAPONS SYSTEMS ONLINE
INITIALISATION COMPLETE: MOBILE SUIT 002 ("STOVE STOVE") ONLINE

Just under your hands you find a set of controls, which seem to operate whatever strange vehicle you currently find yourself inside. Outside, you see Jack Conundrum-chan, who appears rather surprised, to say the least.

>>900
No matter how beady you try to make your eyes, you cannot get 900.

902 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7689 00:10

Charge up mobile suit's power level to over 9000

903 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7689 08:33

Break dance without pants! To get acquainted with the controls.

904 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 07:46

Look under the seat for an emergency flotation device

905 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 14:28

>>902
After some cautious experimentation, you find the controls governing the batteries and power distribution. The main batteries are at 81% charge, emergency batteries at 100%. You can't find any way of displaying charge in absolute units. You know you certainly can't charge anything to 9000%; that's going against the very principle of what percentages are supposed to represent. Maybe you could charge up to 9000‱? But how? You have no idea how this thing works.

>>903
The movement controls prove very simple and intuitive. Just moments after you are taking your first steps in the suit, you are as familiar with the controls as with a childhood friend. Eager to test your skill, and the dexterity of the suit itself, you take to spinning around on your back, jumping into the air and landing on only one hand, and flipping and somersaulting back and forth like a trapeze artist on psychostimulants. Conundrum-chan, in a rare display of sensible behaviour, backs away and watches from a distance.

>>904
You're not sure you can really call where you currently are a seat. The walls have moulded themselves around your entire body, leaving only your hands and forearms free to move, and even those only as far as the controls. You cannot look or reach under or behind you, which is a little worrying; were you to fall into a large body of water, you are unsure how buoyant this device would prove. Then again, there isn't exactly a lot of risk of your drowning/dying of hypothermia.

906 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 16:51

Be Jack. Don't die!

907 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7690 19:01

Become one with the plane, feel it as if it were your body.

908 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:26

>>906
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself in the doorway between the ballroom and the laboratory, covered in blood, and in the midst of some strange combination of chanting and screaming. There are the corpses of four Mecha Alexei clones and one Onii-chan arranged radially in the centre of the room, with a large, elborate ceremonial circle drawn around them in blood. Each corpse has many stab wounds in their chest. You are pleasantly surprised to find that you have ten unspent skill points and 570 mana.

>>907
You try to become part of a two-dimensional plane, but unfortunately you don't really know how to go about becoming one with mathematical concepts.

909 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:32

Spend 2 skill points on healing and the other 8 on telekinesis.

910 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7691 22:53

Find the piano and play a Chopin Nocturne.

911 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 07:05

put face firmly between dead oniichan's buttocks

deeply inhale

912 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 20:31

>>909
You assign two skillpoints to healing, unlocking the following skills:

  • Spontaneous blood generation (active skill): Can generate blood within own body. Costs 10 mana per litre.
  • Complete regeneration (active skill): Can completely regenerate self or other living being, up to and including regrowing missing limbs. Costs 100 mana.

While you're at it, you also assign eight skillpoints to telekinesis, unlocking:

  • Telekinesis (small objects)(active skill): Can affect acceleration of objects weighing less than one kilogram within a range of ten metres by up to one metre per second squared. Costs 10 mana per object. Can be maintained indefinitely, but can only move one object at a time.
  • Telekinesis (medium objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (small objects), but with mass limit of 100kg. Costs 100 mana per object.
  • Telekinesis (large objects)(active skill): As with telekinesis (medium objects), but with mass limit of 10000kg. Costs 1000 mana per object.
  • Teleportation (self)(active skill): Can instantaneously transfer own body to any other position within ten metres. Target volume displaced must not contain any matter not in gas phase. Costs 10 mana per teleportation.
  • Levitation (passive skill): Own body is not affected by gravity. Cannot be disabled.
  • Deamputation (active skill): Can reattach severed digits or limbs. Costs 20 mana.
  • Teleportation resistance (passive skill): Cannot be involuntarily teleported by another entity.
  • Teleportation (other)(active skill): Can instantaneously transfer another entity's body to any other position within ten metres. Target volume displaced must not contain any matter not in gas phase. Costs 20 mana per teleportation.

You feel yourself floating slightly off the floor and in possession of level six healing and level eight telekinesis.

>>910
The piano currently constitutes a mass of splinters and broken pieces of ivory in the Northeast corner of the room. You tap melancholically at the remains of the keys, but no sound is produced.

>>911
Onii-chan appears to still be wearing his combat armour, with the exception of the helmet. There are several stab wounds gouged into the back of his neck. You press your face into the back of the legpiece of his armour, but cannot smell anything other than blood.

You hear a rhythmic thumping sound in the distance. Looking through the window, you can see a large, roughly humanoid silhouette making its way through the garden, towards your current position.

913 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7692 23:41

Hide underneath the remains of the piano. Try not to giggle.

914 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7693 16:59

Strike the earth and dig deep.

915 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7693 22:26

>>913
Fear prickling at the nape of your neck, you cower beneath the fractured mass of varnished wood and ivory. It is such a poor hiding place that you have difficulty not laughing at the sheer absurdity of it, but the thought of that strange, threatening jet black figure outside quells your mirth. The thumping grows ever louder, ever nearer, then you see the object of your terror - a huge, segmented humanoid robotic figure, made of gleaming black stone. It scans the room from outside the windows. Thankfully, it overlooks you, likely distracted by the distastefully arranged corpses in the centre of the room. A voice comes from nearby - your voice! - and says "How horrifying! This must be their work. We have to stop them right away."

>>914
You begin to pick at the parquet flooring using the ceremonial stone knife you happen to be holding (left over from your murderous rampage earlier). You succeed in digging about two centimetres deep, to the underside of the wooden floor, before reaching a layer of filled concrete, impenetrable to your impromptu excavation instrument.

You are in the Northeast corner of the room. The stone behemoth, along with a clone of yourself, is just outside the row of windows to the West. As far as potential escape routes are concerned, the nearest is the double doors in the North wall leading to the laboratory; alternatively, there is a door in the East wall leading to the parlour, or a door to the Southwest leading to the garden. If you don't do something soon, you will almost certainly be found.

916 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 01:49

Forget hiding and fly around like Son Goku to exhilerate in your new levitation powers.

917 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 16:23

Go to the garden and eat some flowers.

918 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 17:43

Then proceed to expand dong.

919 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7694 23:16

>>916
Freed at last from the shackles of gravitation, you jump in the air and float, at a moderate but by no means superhuman pace, towards the ceiling. You are interested to find that you are still at the whim of air resistance, so you do slow down noticeably over time. You hear an exclamation from outside - "Look! It's her!" - and immediately become the target of a spray of antimatter bullets from the large, black humanoid outside. As you are floating in the air, unable to manoeuvre out of their path, you die, messily.

GAME OVER
Deaths: 44

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>915)

>>917
You sprint across the room, eliciting the attention of the two outside, and narrowly avoid being blown to smithereens on your way to the door to the Southwest. You find yourself on a small patio above an embankment, leading down to a set of gardens. There are rose bushes and ornamental hedges lining the bank, and, beyond that, a herb garden and a hedge maze. Further away, you can see a lake and, atop a hill in the middle distance, a gazebo.

You rush to the nearest rose bush and, frantically, knowing that this might be the last thing you ever do, pluck one of the flowers from it and stuff it into your mouth. You dive down the hill, narrowly avoiding being annihilated along with the poor bush you were just next to. You find yourself at the bottom of the bank, at the entrance to the hedge maze. You choke down the mass of petals and plant matter. It doesn't taste very nice, to be honest.

>>918
You try to expand the area in which the Vietnamese dong currency - famously one of the least valued currency units, along with Zimbabwean dollars - is used, but unfortunately your economic/diplomatic influence is rather limited, being, as you are, otherwise occupied with your own clone and the giant robot by her side.

920 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 00:09

Dart between the robot and the gazebo, trying to get the gazebo hit in the crossfire. That gazebo could be dangerous, after all.

921 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 05:05

Lure the enemy into the hedge maze, then set the maze on fire.

922 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 21:44

>>920
You are, by now, well aware of the treacherous nature of these so-called "gazebos". The last one you battled was, itself, a distraction, and nearly led to you being ambushed by some sort of giant blue demon. This one is no doubt more fiendish still. You try to use the strength of the attacking robot against your other, more sessile adversary, but unfortunately you are at the bottom of a hillside, meaning that the trajectories of the machine's bullets don't come anywhere near the right angle. Furthermore, you find that deliberately putting yourself in the path of antimatter ammunition, even with your commendable agility, is a very dangerous pastime. You are struck by a projectile and killed.

GAME OVER
Deaths: 45

>>921
You run into the labyrinth, darting back and forth almost at random, but heading ever deeper. You do your best to tempt your pursuers with taunts such as "Hah! They'll never find me in here!" and "Oh no, now I'm lost! What ever shall I do?". The robot rises to the bait, and begins to trample its way across the rows of hedges towards you. You cannot see or hear what your clone is doing.

Once you judge that the titan figure has been lured near enough, you begin to use your magical firelighting (active skill) on the hedges as you pass by, sparking a slow, but steady conflagration. For good measure, you fire a few fireballs into the air, to land in other parts of the maze. In the process, you spend 55 mana, leaving you 515 mana remaining.

A mechanically amplified voice echoes across the space. It's Continue-chan. "Conundrum-chan, please," she pleads, "I... I know you aren't really Conundrum-chan, but even so, I don't want to have to hurt you. Please, just come out, and we can talk this through."

923 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 22:41

Attempt to teleport Continue out of the robot.

924 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 22:50

Propose marriage to Continue-chan.

925 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7695 23:57

Read Jojo

926 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 00:28

Be a sissy who acts like a woman

927 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 01:21

Kiss Conundrum-chan to convince her we are the real deal and not a cheap copy.

928 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 02:09

Don Armor of Nigrous Nincompoopery.

929 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 08:05

Prove our originality by making original content on DQN.

930 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7696 23:05

>>923
Perhaps you will parley with Continue-chan, but it shall be on your terms, not hers. The towering stone suit she finds herself inside is already within ten metres of you, so you simply employ your Teleportation (other)(active skill) to pluck her from her steed. She appears at your feet, looking very dazed, and quite scared.

>>924
To use your Proposal (active skill), you of course require an engagement ring. You hurriedly attempt to fashion one from a twig taken from the nearby hedges, but at that very moment, your clone dives around the corner holding a ring made out of a rose stem with the thorns removed. Before you have a chance to respond to this threat, she kneels on one knee and proposes marriage to the still stunned Continue-chan.

>>925
You feel a sudden impulse to read Jojo, Roger Caron's 1988 novel about escaping from prison, but unfortunately there aren't any copies available to you right now.

>>926
You continue to play as Jack Conundrum-chan. You coward! Running away from the only person who ever loved you - even if she was in a giant robot suit and trying to kill you - how could you? Now, her affection is being stolen from you, before your very eyes. How can you call yourself a woman now? For all the arcane knowledge and ritual murder, you are still nothing but a lost, scared little girl.

>>927
You grab your clone by the shoulders and press your face into hers. Your lips meet, and you press fervently on, tongue probing into her mouth. She does not resist. You have no idea how this is supposed to convince the cloned Conundrum-chan that you are real and she is not, but you'll get to that. For that matter, have you convinced yourself that you're the genuine article? You've passed out enough times; what if the real you was replaced with a clone of you, cunningly left in the right place at the right time with the right memories?

>>928
You possess no such thing. The only thing in your inventory even remotely related to armour is the lab coat you're wearing.

>>929
You cannot access DQN just now, as you lack access to the internet. If you were able to access it, however, you'd surely start a wonderful new thread, with a simple yet profound idea that everyone can participate in, and which goes on to garner many hundreds of replies.

931 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 00:54

Be Continue-chan. Propose a threesome.

932 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 11:46

Then get the hell out of there, as cute as they are, those two are clearly both dangerous psychopathic murderers!

933 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 16:04

Pray to Sterquilinus.

934 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7697 21:50

>>931
You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You have absolutely no idea what's going on with the two Conundrum-chan's - who's real/fake, who's good/evil, who's marrying whom - so you decide the best course of action is to try to pacify everyone, if possible. You tentatively put forward the idea of pooling your strength into a triumvirate. The Conundrum-chans turn to face one another, and their eyes narrow slightly. After some heated argument, each concludes that they will only be civil towards the other if they are the one you marry.

>>932
You get the feeling you're forgetting something. Ah! That's right, the pile of ritually murdered bodies in the ballroom, composed largely of clones of poor Mecha Alexei - whom you thought Conundrum-chan was quite fond of. Not to mention, she also murdered you a while back. Given her track record of murdering every single companion she has ever had (with the exception of Control Tower, whose blood(?) is on your hands), perhaps you oughtn't to stick around. You try to run away, but then remember that your legs are broken.

>>933
You close your eyes and offer a quick prayer to the patron deity of manure, asking him to fertilise your future. There is no reply.

935 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:00

Be Jack. Propose marriage to our clone.

936 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:04

Take advantage of the distraction to teleport behind our clone and then fireball her head.

937 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 01:53

Call clone a poopy head.

938 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 20:47

>>935
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You feel a complex and deeply confusing array of emotions towards your doppelgänger - hatred, murderous rage, envy, lust, and more - but the easiest solution to all your problems is, obviously, to marry her. Not only does it preclude her from stealing away your precious Continue-chan, but it helps you to, as the famous adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. "Conundrum-chan," you say confidently, getting down on one knee again, "Will you marry me?"

She cocks her head to one side and replies, "No; I'm marrying Continue-chan. Isn't that right?" She glares meaningfully at Continue-chan, who appears to be trying to crawl away in the general direction of Stove Stove.

>>936
As she is momentarily preoccupied, you teleport yourself behind her. Unfortunately, she had her back to a hedge, which now stands between the two of you. Before she has even noticed your absence, you have summoned and cast a fireball towards her. It is mostly absorbed by the hedge - which promptly catches alight - but enough reaches her to make her jump up and yelp, patting at her smouldering hair. You have 470 mana remaining.

>>937
Now's the time! Now, when her self confidence is at its nadir, you choose to deliver a devastating verbal assault. She appears quite taken aback and frowns violently, creasing her facial features. The corners of her eyes dampen. "No!" she declares, "You're a poopy head!" Still reeling from this reckless counterattack, you stare dumbly through the burning hole in the hedge at your clone, as her hands grip - then begin to lift - the hem of her skirt. Surely she isn't planning to use her crotch against you, is she?

939 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7698 23:18

Teleport our clone 10 meters up into the sky, then use our regeneration powers to heal Continue-chan's legs. That should prove our true love!

940 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 00:41

Run away, screaming and waving our arms spastically like Kermit the Frog.

941 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 21:01

>>939
You've had quite enough of your clone and her shenanigans, you decide. No sooner have you thought this than she is gone, exploring the lower troposphere and no doubt enjoying a lovely aerial view of the burning hedge maze. You try to cast Complete regeneration (active skill) on Continue-chan, but unfortunately it only works on living creatures, and your beloved childhood friend has been dead a while now. How bothersome! You don't have a chance to express your exasperation, however, because at that moment your clone lands on top of you, crotch first. With nothing but a quiet whooshing noise, you are erased from this universe.

GAME OVER
Deaths: 46

(Continuing from most recently saved game: >>938)

>>940
You simply cannot handle this situation any more. Fully aware that both of your companions lack your fire resistance, you leave them in the midst of a - by now - quite substantially ablaze labyrinth. In an effort to rid yourself of the stress and frustration of dealing with your other self, you scream and shake your arms around madly, running about with no heed for your path. A minute or so later, you find yourself outside the maze, at the base of the hill with the gazebo on it. The building is nicely framed by a pair of large oak trees to either side of it. Inside is a wrought iron table and set of chairs, in one of which is that girl in lilac, happily sipping at a cup of tea. She waves to you amiably.

942 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7699 21:14

Give in to starvation.

943 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 01:24

944 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 02:39

Ask the lilac girl for a cup of tea.

945 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 19:45

Don't drink any tea we might receive. Hold it out at arm's length and pour it slowly and deliberately on the floor.

946 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7700 23:35

>>942
You decide you've had quite enough of coming close to suffering bizarre and ridiculous deaths. I mean, who's to say you won't be ritually murdered by someone as avaricious as yourself? Or be devoured by tentacles? Or just accidentally fall into your own crotch? Really, it's a wonder you're still alive at all. You may as well end it yourself, properly, and starvation seems an appropriately noble, oddly poetic sort of death to aim for. You sit around for an immense length of time, not really paying attention to what's happening, but firmly refusing all food offered to you. Against all the odds, you succeed in your endeavour, and die in an incredibly slow and torturous manner.

GAME OVER
Deaths: 47

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>941)

>>943
You serenade the girl in lilac with one of the more dubious entries in your musical repertoire. She listens patiently, chin in hand, stopping only to take another sip of her tea. When you are done, she smiles and beckons you closer.

>>944
You skip gleefully up the hill and take a seat opposite the enigmatic, finely dressed young lady. She gladly pours you out a cup of black tea, letting you help yourself to milk and sugar. "Come to think of it," she says, "I don't think I properly introduced myself earlier. My name's Cassandra, but you can call me Cassie-chan. I'm so glad you've chosen to join me for a tea party, especially considering, all thing considered, we ought to be fighting. Think about it; you've been facing ever stronger enemies over the course of these escapades, and I'm by far the strongest thing you've met so far."

She pauses a moment, drinks the rest of her tea, then resumes her pontifications while preparing herself another cup. "That's why I'm so glad to see you have superseded this silly, cliché sort of idea that every adventure needs a "final boss". Just because I'm more powerful than you and we're serving different agendas doesn't mean we can't sit down and discuss this over tea."

>>945
Without a word, you stand up and libate the tea onto the wooden flooring of the gazebo. There is absolute, dead silence between the two of you. Her eyes narrow, and she says, slowly, deliberately, "I see. So that's how it is." With a deep breath, she stands up from her seat and faces you, an inscrutable look on her face.

You review your situation. You are currently armed with an espada ropera and a very, very bloody ceremonial stone knife. In the maze below is Continue-chan and your clone, both of whom are potential allies and both of whom are likely in danger from the fire, along with a robotic suit, which may prove useful in its own ways. In the mansion is some combat armour (although it really doesn't fit you very well), a laser gun, and facilities for cloning, amongst other things.

947 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 05:35

Formally challenge Cassandra to a one-on-one duel to the death, with 24 uninterrupted hours to prepare.

948 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 06:57

Ask if Cassandra has a Cassandra Complex.

949 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:32

Declare yourself to be stronger than ever.

950 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:42

>>947
The girl laughs openly, cruelly, at your suggestion. "You have until midnight," she asserts, "And it shan't be one-on-one. Bring all your allies; you'll need them."

>>948
She smirks and says, cryptically, "Well, I can give you one warning that I know will go unheeded: soon, you'll wish you had more friends."

Without warning, she vanishes in a flash of light, leaving her half-full teacup gently steaming on the table.

951 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7701 23:58

>>949
Addressing thin air, you expound your might and martial prowess. There is no response.

952 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 04:00

Make fart noises with your mouth as you lament your inability to pass actual intestinal gasses.

953 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 04:39

Teleport Continue-chan and our clone out of the burning maze and heal them as best as possible. If our clone is beyond saving, ritualistically kill her for the skill points.

954 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 13:28

genuflect

955 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 20:49

>>952
"Prrrrrp," you say, fighting back the tears. Why can't you just pass wind like everyone else? Why is your body so cripplingly inadequate? Is it your intestinal flora? Have you not been eating enough probiotic yoghurt? Oh, cruel fate! It's more than you can bear.

>>953
You wander back to the hedge maze. The edges, especially near the mansion, are already nothing but ash and cinders, but more or less all of the rest is nothing but a raging inferno. Enormous flames, metres tall, lick at the sky, as thick, coal-black clouds of smoke tower above you, blotting out the sun. You get as close as you can, but cannot locate anybody, living or otherwise. After an hour or so the fire begins to die down enough to allow further exploration. You find that not only have the two vanished without a trace, but so has the enormous robotic suit Continue-chan came in.

>>954
Lost, bereft, feeling nothing but your own solitude pressing down upon you, you bend your knee and pledge yourself to - to what? What is it you fight for? You aren't sure any more.

It is late afternoon, and the sun is already well on its way towards the horizon. You have only a few short hours until midnight.

956 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7702 23:44

Find out what a paladin is.

957 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 03:33

Go back to the masnion, find the cloning machine, and clone self as much as possible.

958 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 16:15

Make the clones super dumb.
Then kill them all for mana and skill points.

959 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 16:23

960 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7703 19:43

Put enough skill points into social skills to persuade some intelligent clones to help fight Cassandra.
After all, they're still technically us, so she'd be fighting Jack and it would still be a duel.

961 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7704 07:21

Hug self

962 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7704 23:53

>>956
You are struck by a sudden awareness that you aren't really sure what a paladin is. Given that you've a few hours to spare, you wander back to the mansion, explore until you find a library, then trace up and down the shelves until you find a dictionary. You check a few other dictionaries and encyclopaedias for good measure, and thus learn that "paladin" can refer either to one of the twelve elite warriors of Charles I's court, or, by extension, to any heroic knightly figure.

>>957,958
You make your way downstairs to the laboratory. Though you aren't sure what time it is, the sun has set and the lighting inside the mansion is wholly inadequate. The shadows play tricks with your eyes, and you hear faint noises - creaking, occasionally tapping. The console is as obfuscatory and unhelpful as ever, and, when you do eventually manage to create a clone of yourself, brings up a message reading:

WARNING: SUBSTRATE COUNT LOW: 4

Going downstairs to the basement room where your clone showed up before, you find another clone of yourself has materialised in an odd, mechanical capsule, as before. Pleased with your preliminary success, you return to the laboratory to continue tinkering. There are an incredible number of variables you can modify via the console, but none seem to control intelligence specifically. After some experimentation, all you manage to create is three completely unresponsive, comatose - but still breathing - clones of yourself. The console now claims that the substrate count is two (whatever that means). You ritually dispose of the useless clones, gaining six skill points and 300 mana. You now have six unspent skill points and 770 mana.

>>959
Unfortunately, you don't think you can play games on the cloning machine console, not even games as profound and deeply meaningful as Penis Cloner.

>>960
Much as you'd like to improve your social skills - goodness knows you could do with it - you think this would be better achieved through practising light conversation and mental restraint. These skill points, whatever they are, are more associated with arcane and forbidden techniques and knowledge.

You feel uneasy. You hear a faint noise behind you - a footstep? Or just your imagination? Looking up, you find your own clone; the one whom you last saw in the burning hedge maze. Her clothing, hair, and the skin on her legs are charred and burnt. She has a stern look on her face. She is holding a laser gun to your forehead. "Don't move," she says, "You... you monster, you left us to die! I've been watching you, you've been creating more clones, just to kill them as well! Doesn't human life have any meaning to you at all‽"

Finally, an intelligent clone! You put all your social skills into action in an attempt to persuade her to join you in your crusade against the foul Lady Cassandra - and also, perhaps, not point that laser gun at you. Against all the odds, you actually manage to come to a compromise; she'll fight alongside you, on the condition that you do not create any more clones of yourself.

>>961
Rejoicing in your newly forged armistice, you embrace your clone. She reciprocates the gesture. She smells like burning. What a delightful scent, you think to yourself.

963 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 00:20

Ask what happened to Continue.

Also, check possible fields that skill points could be spent on.

964 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 05:55

Heal clone.
Put all skill points into matrimony.
Use knife to cut some wire from the computer and make a ring.
Propose marriage to clone.

965 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 14:00

Be clone. Refuse marriage. Eat own hand in protest.

966 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7705 20:55

>>963
Your clone claims that, with her aid, Continue-chan got back into the mobile suit - which is ostensibly in fact Stove Stove - and walked off into the sunset, down a dirt track into the forest. She says that it wasn't the same one leading to the enormous crater.

Available skills are telekinesis, pyromancy, necromancy, healing, enchantment, matrimony, thaumaturgy and theoretical physics.

>>964
Now that you've plenty of mana to spare, you go ahead and spend 50 mana using Magical healing (active skill) on your clone. The skin on her legs blisters over and cutifies. She appears surprised at your uncharacteristic philanthropy, and cautiously expresses her thanks.

You spend all six of your skill points on matrimony, unlocking the following skills:

  • Bigamy (passive skill): able to marry up to two partners.
  • Polygamy (passive skill): able to marry multiple partners.
  • Autogamy (passive skill): able to marry self.
  • Witnessless marriage (passive skill): able to legally marry without the presence of witnesses.
  • Ministerless marriage (passive skill): able to legally marry without the presence of a minister.
  • Divorce (active skill): able to divorce from spouse.

You hack at the wires leading out of the back of the computer with your ceremonial stone knife, cutting them. You try to fashion the cable into a ring, but, as your hand brushes against the internal wire filaments, you find yourself accidentally forming a segment of an electrical circuit. You die of electrocution.

GAME OVER
Deaths: 48

(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>962)

You attempt to use Proposal (active skill) on your clone, but lack an engagement ring.

>>965
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan's clone. To be honest, you still don't trust the original Conundrum-chan in the slightest; certainly not enough to vow to be with her until death do you part. In fact, you find the idea so repulsive, you try to chew off your own ring finger to prevent it, without much success.

967 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 01:37

Put 2 skill points into telekinesis so I can finally rearrange the matter in my hand to create an anti-light source that absorbs and violently reacts with light.

968 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 18:23

Shed a single tear for the past world.

969 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 19:02

Quick! Search for the files!

970 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 19:39

Make grinding noises with your teeth

971 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7706 21:59

rub rod

972 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 14:08

xyzzy

973 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 18:30

Give remaining skill points to clone.

974 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7707 23:41

>>967
As Jack Conundrum-chan's clone lacks any available skill points, you go back to playing as the original Jack Conundrum-chan. You put two skill points into telekinesis, unlocking the following skills:

  • Increased range (passive skill): All telekinesis abilities limited to a range of ten metres are now extended to twenty metres.
  • Partial shapeshifting (active skill): Can shapeshift portions of your body; no more than one limb at a time. Mass-energy, electrical charge, CPT symmetry and momentum must be conserved. Costs 50 mana.

You have four unspent skill points remaining.

>>968
A drop of fluid traces a path down your cheek. You aren't sure why.

>>969
The files! The files! Where are the files? Ah! That's right, you dropped them back at >>538. Well, there's no use searching if you already know where they are. Besides, they can't be that important; surely, you have everything you need already.

>>970
You grind your molars against one another. An abrasive sound resonates through your skull.

>>971
You caress the shaft of the retort stand nearby. No genies pop out.

>>972
You don't know how to xyzzy.

>>973
Similarly, you have no idea how to go about donating abstract concepts such as skill points. You aren't even sure what skill points are, for that matter.

975 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 00:34

Dance like you've got no pants!

976 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 00:43

Heal clone and ask her to help us build a makeshift fort out of whatever we can find.

977 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 04:51

Do something to advance the plot since this thread is almost over

978 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 07:24

Drag out the pre-final-battle plot as long as possible.

979 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7708 13:47

Add flashback film clips quickly before the final battle starts.

980 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7709 21:09

Repair the piano.

981 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7709 21:43

>>975
You dance quietly, in the middle of the laboratory, shifting your limbs to and fro rhythmically to music that only you can hear. You find that you don't need to pretend you lack legwear, as all you're wearing at present is a labcoat. At that moment, an unpleasant thought makes itself known to you: are you really dancing like you've got no pants? Is this perchance something separate from actually dancing without pants? If a person were dancing whilst wearing pants but pretending they weren't, would the pants still influence their dancing? Perhaps not even consciously; the slight constriction of the clothing would limit your movement, however imperceptibly - not to mention the risk of exposing one's crotch (an even greater danger for you personally) would be different whether you were in fact at risk of exposure or only feigning thus. Then of course there's the taxonomical question of what is meant by "pants" - is it in the UK sense (i.e. underpants) or the US sense (i.e. trousers)? Or is it the plural of "pant", as in "the dog had been panting so much that it had no pants left"? You find that you're no longer in the mood for dancing.

>>976
You spend 50 mana healing your poor clone's wounds as a gesture of goodwill. She seems grateful, even if she doesn't express it much. The two of you gather chairs, a table and a few cardboard boxes, and set about constructing yourselves a little bastion. You find that the most easily defensible position is the fume cupboard on the Eastern wall, which you both duly climb into and build upon. You feel warm and safe inside.

>>977
Try as you might to create some sort of event or plot device, it still isn't midnight and nothing whatsoever is happening in the laboratory.

You quietly reflect upon the nearing of the thread's ending, and how it fits into the greater phenomenon of human achievement and creation - the inevitability that everything that grows, changes and lives must, too, come to a close and die.

"Don't worry," says your clone, patting your hand, "I bet there'll be a part two anyway."

>>978
You decide to spend a while staring at your own toenails. They're pink, with an off white lining, as is normal. Though one would expect them to decrease in size proportionally to the size of the associated toe, you find that, with the exception of the big toenail (which, it goes without saying, is substantially larger than the rest) they are each much the same. This is true of both feet. You find the shape of the toenails themselves, especially the big toenail, to be quite aesthetically pleasing. The sweeping curve of the leading edge, outlined by the hyponychium, provides a striking contrast to the relatively straight lines around the cuticle.

>>979
You think back on your past escapades, reliving the memories in your head. Remember that time you consumed a tentacle monster with your crotch? Or the time you cybernetically enhanced your teacher? Oh, and who could forget that time you murdered your beloved childhood friend, the only person who'd ever truly loved you, in cold blood?

>>980
You make your way back to the ballroom, but one glance at the piano - currently little more than sawdust - is enough to make you give up. Standing in the middle of the ballroom, however, is a very startled looking Mecha Alexei. "Argh!" he exclaims on seeing you, then, struggling to regain his composure, continues, "I, um, need access to the cloning apparatus. It's very important. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave the room as well."

982 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 01:57

anusrape

983 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 02:23

Tell Mecha Alexei that we will comply with his demands but only if he pledges his life to help us defeat Cassandra.

984 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7710 04:43

tap two blue mana and cast counterspell

985 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 07:35

Go back to the closet and hug our clone warmly.

986 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 15:31

Be Stove Stove. Save the day.

987 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7711 23:25

>>982
You aren't sure how to do that.

>>983
Having no immediate need for the cloning facilities, you have no particular reason to refuse - but, at the same time, there's no such thing as a free lunch. You briefly outline the predicament you find yourself entrenched in and firmly request Mecha Alexei's allyship. Upon mention of the midnight deadline, he glances at his left wrist and says, offhandedly, "That's in less than fifteen minutes, you know? Anyway, yes, certainly, I agree to fight Cassie-chan. Don't worry about it." Without waiting for your concurrence, he rushes into the laboratory, slamming the doors shut behind himself.

>>984
You try to tap your finger against your mana, but find yourself again deceived by the apparent existence of abstract concepts. You can no more touch your mana - blue or otherwise - than you can quantum chromodynamics. You cannot cast counterspell as there aren't any spells being cast upon you (to your knowledge). Even if there were, most of the spells cast upon you so far have been of the giant fireball variety, and your countering has consisted generally of proactive offence. You may have difficulty defending against any more sophisticated attack.

>>985
You have thus far been quite open about your sapphic tendencies, but, you decide, it may be time to get back "in the closet", so to speak. To demonstrate your raging heterosexuality, you go ahead and embrace your clone, showing how, despite the proximity to a beautiful girl, you have absolutely no desire to kiss, fondle or marry her.

>>986
You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find yourself, an enormous stone mecha suit containing an undead schoolgirl, standing in an alpine meadow near the top of a small mountain. You can see, about a kilometre or two downhill, the grounds of a large mansion. There is a fairly brisk east wind blowing, and the cumulus fractus is billowing along the planetary boundary layer at an impressive pace. You feel wonderfully at ease, intimately close to a cute little girl, looking out over a peaceful vista, with nothing and no one trying to attack or abandon you. The day is saved. You need do nothing more.

988 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 05:12

eat cumulus fractus

989 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 07:58

Be innocent.

990 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 09:20

Find Cassandra and crush her!

991 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7712 13:58

eat dicks

992 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7713 03:51

Be Jack. Sneak into the cloning room to see what Alexei is up to.

993 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 21:27

>>988
Making full use of your autonomy and sentience, you go ahead and take control from Continue-chan, launch yourself into the air and attempt to consume one of those delightfully picturesque cloud formations. Your passenger appears quite distressed by this, and immediately instigates a manual override. You didn't even know that was possible. To your dismay, you are forced back down to earth, without having tasted that heavenly candyfloss-like substance.

>>989
Continue-chan enters into your internal console:

What the hell? Was that you, Stove Stove?

Try as you might to be innocent, you know at heart you are guilty of her accusation.

>>990
Again, you launch into the air, filled with indignation at the continued existence of that foul Cassandra girl. Why, she has even indirectly threatened the wellbeing of your beloved companions! For this, nothing but a violent, forceful compression of some or all of her body by yourself will suffice. Unfortunately, you find yourself once again grounded by an unamused Continue-chan.

>>991
You jump into the air, ready to embark on a quest to consume at least two people with the first name Richard, but to no avail. You really have to do something about this manual override business, you decide.

>>992
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. Employing all of your skill in espionage and secrecy, you put your ear to the door and listen for a time to enter unnoticed. You hear, very faintly, tapping at the computer terminal, followed by footsteps leading away. You sneak into the laboratory, now empty, and carefully make your way to the computer. It seems to indicate sample J0 has been imprinted onto one of the two remaining substrates.

You hear two sets of footsteps approaching from the direction of the door at the back of the laboratory.

994 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 22:42

sabotage machine

995 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 23:16

Attack the darkness!

996 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7714 23:22

Eat the darkness then become the darkness.

997 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 03:19

Clench up every muscle and grunt like a sweaty homo from Dragon Ball Z as you prepare for the ultimate post.

998 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 03:36

Do not make another one of these threads after this ends

999 Name: (*゚ー゚) : 1993-09-7715 04:15

Use the power of >>1000GET to make a new thread with unlocked DLC, bonus power-ups, better graphics, hidden levels and more!

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