Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
tripcode pals.
It was 9 in the morning,
and all was not well. All across the Elitist Superstructure, nines were turning into sixes. In fact, it wasn't even 9AM anymore, it was 6AM. A mysterious force was changing everything up, and it seemed to be trying to find a way to turn 1993 into 1663.
"Good start!" said Peter Griffin, and he stuck a thumb up to the audience.
His flesh then rotted rapidly, leaving only a mushy pile of some disgusting sludge on the ground where he stood.
A naked pervert rushed in and began to copulate with the sludge, but the scene curtains were quickly closed and the staff apologized for the interruption.
In the mean time viewers could see rivers of sperm flowing under curtains and dripping from the stage.
Cum-soaked curtains became too heavy
to be held up by the ceiling. The entire theater collapsed, killing everyone inside.
Chapter Allodicious Naugentigo: The reversal of the Nines and the Collapse of the Sixes ~ Candid Immortal Disease
It wa worrying. The goyim were stirring.
The smell of their uncircumcised penises was almost tangible.
A shrine maiden wandered in from nowhere in particular, waved her gohei over their heads and, with a flash of light and a
puff of smoke, the DQNs were turned into VIPPERs. A large turtle with a beard wandered in from around the same place as the shrine maiden and grumbled about training and flight spells.
And then the universe exploded.
"Mama mia!" said everyone's favorite flat-chested deity. The GSL was getting tired of having to fix the universe, especially since she was still trying to find a cure for her chronic Italianitis. Instead of sitting down at the computer for another long night of bugfixing and searching for where she put the most recent backup copy of universe.exe and all its associated files, she handed the task over to
Dr. Robotnik
, who fucked it up as usual.
All the while, the uncircumcised goyim were polluting the air with the smell of foreskin. God's Chosen People were getting angered.
Honourable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII has arrived in his armoured monster truck limo to
drop off some more characters returning from earlier DQN Short Novels.
Smoopy did not like that this was happening.
Smoopy also did not like the increasingly nagging feeling that he had once, in some former life, been a man called Walbert Smeth.
"Why not try this site http://www.thebigview.com/pastlife/ " suggested Plumber Chrysanthemum, jumping out from the bushes behind Smoopy
and hitting him with a lead pipe. This, of course, did nothing, since Smoopy was quite gelatinous. However, the pipe did stick into Smoopy's blubbery flesh, and Plumber Chrysanthemum was not able to retrieve it.
"voy," said Smoopy. "Where the balls did the post your captcha thread go?" Little did he know that it was only a few lines down in the thread list, and he could easily access it at any time.
"ritete!" Smoopy's sub machine gun sounded. Plumber Chrysanthemum was now Plumber Swiss Cheese.
"Why did you turn me into Swees Chiss, mang? What deh hell iss youhr prohbelm?" Plumber Swiss Cheese said in a heavy Mexican accent.
"Well," said Smoopy, "I was hoping that you would turn into the perfect vessel to absorb Italianitis."
Dogs Smoopy dog arrived at the scene. He slowly approached Smoopy and
, without so much as a
contemptuous flourish, he
bellowed his own sacrilegious ass all the way to Chlorophobiatlantis. He then yelled, in a most flustered tone, "
I hate myself and I want to die
BECAUSE IT'S WINTER
I thought to myself, as I watched the snow drift by my office window, and
put down my cup of coffee after having taken a small sip. Just a second after that,
I took a trip, to the nip of the clip."
Smoopy stared in silent shock for a few moments, then responded,
"You got serious flow, bro."
Dogs Smoopy dog simply nodded his head and
turned the gun on himself.
Øystein Aarseth happened to pass by, so he took a piece of Smoopy's skull, which was lying on the ground, and made a necklace out of it.
That shit so cash, yo.
Smoopy saw this skull and wondered, How did that get there? How does a gelatinous mass such as myself have a skull? And then he realized, that was not his skull. It was Walbert Smeth's skull.
it was only that not recognizing the futility of all life Walters map decided to throw caution to the wind and marinate is in tire novels using voice recognition software without correcting it for errors at all
Smoopy did not know much about voice recognition software, but he did know that he had to get that skull back. Unfortunately for him, the focus of the novel was about to switch to the travels of the Great Sky Siblings.
"Poopy poop mcpoop poop poop," said
Smoopy. The voice recognition software typed out MY NUTS ARE SWOLLEN.
Smoopy backspaced over the word SWOLLEN and tried again.
MY NUTS ARE SWOLLEN
At this time Smoopy was confused as to whether he was Dogs Smoopy dog or not.
He wasn't.
Meanwhile, Dogs Smoopy dog had wandered over to see if everyone's favorite youthful deities still needed any of his magical essence. As it turned out,
they didn't.
To make things even more confusing, Cats Smoopy cat had wandered in. He was on vacation in Benin and had just now gotten back.
"Hello," said Cats Smoopy cat. "Where is my good friend, Goscone?"
"In the briar patch" said Dogs Smoopy dog or maybe just regular Smoopy.
"You can find the briar patch just behind the 50 GET," said the GSL.
"While we make our way there, we can tell you all about how we turned the sixes all back into nines, cured ourselves of Italianitis, prevented the Clonepa apocalypse, and found the true meaning of love," added the GSS.
"Waachaa!" Yelled a leaping Jack Chan
but his kick was blocked by The Late Spirit of Eternal Chuck Norris.
Chapter Dragon Dildo, Part 2: In the Briar Patch, GSSiblings To Issho
~ ラブラブ 150% EDITION ~
Lobster
McLobsterson was in a bit of a pickle. Despite all of his best efforts, the DQN Short Novel had reached volume three of the trilogy. Lobster McLobsterson's employer had been very specific about this, that the DQN Short Novel series was to either become viable for widespread public appeal and sale, or that it was to end quickly. Neither one of these things was yet accomplished. Lobster McLobsterson contemplated hiring George Bush CXXIX to kill all the writers, but decided that that would just end up being the kind of story that the general public would not like, and that the writers would just come back from the dead and make the Novel even more DQN than ever before.
However, Lobster McLobsterson had an even bigger problem on his hands. He was in the briar patch, and he was allergic to lolis, shotas, rappers, clones of rappers, and ghost razorback hogs. His death was slow, painful, and kind of gross to see. Since Lobster McLobsterson was two centimeters tall, nobody important even noticed.
Cats Smoopy cat was
busy irradiating
the town water supple, warm breasts. The kind with nice pink areolas sitting atop them slightly pointing upwards. Ones that, with a little squeeze, provide a little resistance before giving to the squeeze. Wait, what was I writing again? Oh. Cats Smoopy cat was irradiating the town water supply on accident.
Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em, passport to heaven. I need a drink.
The author got up from his desk and groped around, looking for the rest of that bottle of vodka. Instead, he found
his own severed calf
. He looked at the butchered bovine with tears in his eyes.
"Maple!" he cried. "Who did this to you? Oh god, it was me! Now I really need a drink!"
He stumbled over to the bathroom and cupped his hands under the cold, irradiated water. He splashed his face and swallowed water in big, messy gulps between sobs. The radiation caused the author to
develop a pair of breasts. Sadly, all the mammaries in the world could never make up for the loss he had suffered that night. He vowed
to never write a short novel again. However, he did not know that
he would later be forced against his will to write prequels to the the Backwards Short Novel.
Uh, Gerbils Smoopy gerbil.
Gerbils with breasts. Gerbi... ger--
The new author sat down at his desk, the dust covered old typewriter in front of him mirroring his own weariness. Slowly, gently, he began to type.
It was early spring, and the GSL was hosting one of her world famous tea parties. The weather recently had been
raining breasts! Wow! What an event it was!
A strange rain indeed. So strange was it that naturalists from all around came to see it. They identified all sorts of beasts--ocelots, lions, bears, camels, more bears--even a few bigfoots fell from the sky. However, it seemed clear to everyone that there was one variety of beast that was stangely missing. While the rain certainly could not contain every kind of beast, the variety that was missing seemed that it should be there, but it was not. This variety of beast was
lesser spotted
the
Third Von Hannover
peanut-eating champion! ( ﾟ ヮﾟ)
Lesser Spotted the III Von Habsburg was kidnapped from Lesser Spotted castle by angry peasants earlier that week.
Penis
or goat? You decide.
"Goat penis!" shouted
Penis McGoat, rather rudely.
The Scottish goat loved to be the center of attention.
Unfortunately for him, at that moment everyone's attention was squarely focussed on
Smoopy, Dogs Smoopy dog, Cats Smoopy cats, and Gerbils Smoopy gerbils
whose own attentions were focused on Hogs Smoopy hog, Chickens Smoopy chicken, Penis McGoats Smoopy penis mcgoat, Mr. Grays Smoopy mr. gray and Robbers Smoopy robber.
( ﾟ ヮﾟ) And the rest of the cast of America's new favorite reality TV programme, "Here Comes Honey Smoop Smoop"
were all killed in a horrible freak accident.
397 days later, the GSL's tea party was finally wrapping up.
Literally no one cared. 0 people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Driving gloves. Check. Driving shoes. Check. Driving jacket. Check. Looks like I'm ready"
The Gab Gitzbi was preparing to run over some bitches.
Meanwhile...
"Driving Smoopy gloves. Check. Driving Smoopy shoes. Check. Driving Smoopy jacket. Check. Looks like I'm ready."
The Gabs Smoopy Gitzbi was preparing to chase down his lifelong rival, the Gab Gitzbi.
What happened next remains a mystery to most, but the widely accepted course of events is as follows: upon entering his car, Gabs Smoopy Gitzbi
Driving Smoopy jacket to Shreds Smoopy shred! Simultaneously,
"What a horrible night to have a
horrible night." Banananose was then run over by Gab Gitzbi, who turned his head as he passed and yelled, "Take that, bee-yotch!" Since Gab's attention was no longer turned upon the road, he did not notice the oncoming brick wall, with which he promptly collided, exploding nearly as magnificently as his late rival and tearing his brand new
mixed drink to shreds. The shredded drink and the shredded Driving Smoopy jacket touched, producing a
Drinking and Driving Smoopy jacket, which promptly got a DUI, along with a drop of sunshine that fell unnoticed through the fiery planks of the metaphorical pirate ship called life. The ridiculous notion that
sunshine could take a liquid form was regarded by VIPologists as the greatest DQNity to even fall unnoticed through the fiery planks of the metaphorical pirate ship called life. The metaphorical pirates, however, knew something that the VIPologists didn't:
the location of the metaphorical treasure map
It was printed under the lid of the metaphorical treasure chest. Having learned this, one VIP lurker exclaimed:
"うほ、いいｍｅｔａｐｈｏｒｉｃａｌ ｔｒｅａｓｕｒｅ ｃｈｅｓｔ！やらないか？"
The metaphorical treasure chest replied "
It carries out and i(ry."
And so, the VIPologists set out in search of the metaphorical treasure. The first stop on the map was
the small port town of 100 GET, where they hoped to