Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
kind of bored. She had seen a lot of 500GETs in her days, and this was not the first time she had seen one eat a dog. The only thing she had never seen a GET of some sort do was
spill crime.
THE DOG'S ANGER LIVED ON INSIDE OFTHE HEARTS OF ALL THOSE WHO DARED EXIST!
As for those who didn't dare to exist,
THE ANGER COULDN'T GET TO THEM WHICH MADE IT EVEN MORE ANGRY!
I know, I'll use the new EME standards to blacklist anyone not running Inferno OS and then implement that code into comprehensive web plugins forcing everyone to switch.
AND THEN THE DOG'S ANGER SAW SHIMAMURA-KUN HUGGING SMOKED SALMON which promptly calmed it down. It was no longer anger, but a state of "Mmmmmmm"
and then the mmmmmmmmmm turned into mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! AND IT WAS MUFFLED ANGER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
THE ANGRY DOG reëmbarked at once for the Norwegian capital
, which had recently been renamed
Kittentown, after its recent invasion by the Feline's Republic of Catland.
It was a desolate wasteland. All the invading forces had died from the cold after killing most of the natives. ANGRY DOG soon became sad dog after seeing the death and destruction.
Meanwhile, in the stratosphere several kilometers above Kittentown,
Of course, the foolish budgie had forgotten that
children have ankles, and
attached to these ankles are feet, and feet can be used to kick, and kicking can be used to launch a budgie into the stratosphere (assuming, as in this case, that
the universe was on the cusp of exploding, as it was wont to do) and so it was quite a normal experience for the smallest force of childhood whimsy to launch the craziest matter into space, where they were soon evaporated in any case by the violent conflagration of the humdrum universal cataclysm.
"Stop!" exclaimed an oddly familiar voice, "This
Heat is my favorite band!"
The voice belonged to none other than Benix McBenisson, half-brother of Alebart O'Bartley, illegitimate father of Corpulous Corpissussion, who once met a guy who called himself Charles the Nerdslayer, though he really didn't get to know the guy very well.
Benix McBenisson was a brilliant investor and had made a small fortune in the cock market, which he was always willing to share. His half-brother, on the other hand, was nothing but a slob who went around having children out of wedlock. Which was really quite a shame when you consider the O'Bartley family's legacy.
The earliest known members of the O'Bartley clan were hunter-gatherer-marketers, who invented the art of convincing people to buy things they couldn't afford before money was even a concept. From there on, the O'Bartleys appear several times in ancient legends as brave warriors and kings. It is said that every part of the world has, at some point, belonged to an O'Bartley. In fact, recent discoveries have revealed that there may have been a Chinese O'Bartley dynasty, and that it was simply poorly translated or whichever branch of the O'Bartley family tree that went there changed their name to something that would blend in better.
In somewhat more recent history, O'Bartleys served as highly decorated soldiers in several wars, including, but not limited to, the American Independence war and both World Wars. In fact, some historians claim that Adolf Hitler did not, in fact, commit suicide, but instead was killed by Clarence O'Bartley, who later became known for performing in various circuses around the United States and a few in Canada.
Most recently, Thomas G. O'Bartley climbed the summit of Mount Everest 2, a previously-invisible mountain near Mount Everest which Thomas discovered on his own and made visible by defeating an evil wizard with the power of science. His sister, Bertha N. O'Bartley, discovered a cure for every disease known to man, as well as a way to manufacture it for so cheap that it can be distributed to every person on earth every day for less than the cost of a single loaf of bread. In another O'Bartley family branch, Nichigawara O'Bartley, a lawyer, recently convicted a large group of corrupt politicians who were selling their votes to banks and energy companies and launched an investigation into several large corporations accused of various questionably-legal activities which ruined the lives of millions of citizens.
As amazing as this lineage is, Alebart seems to be content to simply be a hoodlum. Or rather, he was, until one day
universe with completely different values for its fundamental constants, the uranium-based lifeforms orbiting a galaxy-sized black hole decided to
get fucked uuuuuup!
First, they had to enrich themselves, so they built a library to share the knowledge.
To maximize the knowledge they could gain from the library, they constructed it in a pocket universe and made it out of infinite, identical, hexagonal cells, each containing four walls of bookshelves and two with only doorways. On these bookshelves were every possible book. Of course, since the library contained every possible book, not just every possible coherent book,
it contained every volume of the DQN Short Novel trilogy, which can hardly be considered "coherent". One of the uranium-based lifeforms, by the name of Xyblgrj, happened to be wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating tiger was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but
Xyblgrj, who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj and the tiger opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating shark was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but
Xyblgrj (pursued by a man eating tiger), who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj, the tiger and the shark opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating courgette was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but
the main character from the previous book in the series, DQN Short Novel Volume III
DQN Short Novel Volume III tore through the linen cloths of spacetime and decided to have a picnic in the library.
DQN Short Novel Volume III, Xyblgrj, the tiger, the shark, the courgette, Xyblgrj and Xyblgrj were just about to start eating when suddenly
they decided to get fuck uuuuuup instead.
The original Xyblgrj thought, "Who could come up with such a twisted crap?" and put the book back, and wandered away.
At the same time author of this story wiped the sweat off his forehead and began arguing with himself, "Who is going to incorporate these events in the next books? What if I forget? What if my series get cancelled?.." In a feat of panic attack, he broke his pencil in half and whispered, "Crap..."
"...no wait, if I sharpen this half of the pencil, now I have two little pencils!"
DQN Short Novel Volume III again did his party trick of tearing through spacetime, and stepped out of the novel into the author's room.
"Hey, that's a great pair of tiny pencils you've got!" he said, "You should try sticking them in your mouth and doing walrus impressions! Anyway, would you like to
get fucked uuuuup?"
Nobody answered, as the author was unavailable by a few microseconds, writing down the very events that were unfolding and thinking about DQN Short Novel Volume III's inevitable demise - the 1000GET that will end his life.
Unflustered, DQN Short Novel Volume III got on with the THREAD. “What are you doing here, Nobody?” he asked.
the
big
fat butt was
bouncing along
and farting
Nobody noticed.
a song
Splat!
the debut single from Butt and the Big Fats
. In the top ten for all of two minutes, it slid down to
eleventh place where it lingered for a few weeks, like a fart whose odour still haunts a location long after its creator has absconded.
Meanwhile, in Lesotho,
small angry men with hairy faces and burning feet
were attending a concert. Beady Eyes and the Derail Band was to perform there, playing their new hit song, "Ha Ha Butt and the Big Fats are Losers Everyone Quick Point At Them and Laugh", which had just hit #3 on the charts, just under
"Goobaaaa" and "Spoade"
. The small angry men of Lesotho were not impressed with this irritating small eyed rabbit or his posse. They cared little for the nuances of anus related musical politics, and simply wanted
to get fucked uuuuup.
Unfortunately white oak trees
some grew, some withered. Few turned an eye to them, but those that did were disappointed and bored.
When the small angry men were distracted, the oak trees convened and plotted to remove the pop musicians from Lesotho once and for all. The first stage of their plan was to gather
bearded geeks and
geeky beards
. They would then incite rebellion in said beards, causing them to rebel against their tyrannical geeky overlords. The geeks, strangled to death by their own beards, would then serve as
rafts for floating passengers and cargo across the rivers of blood and back
. Little did the oak trees know,
Although, as oak trees possess neither muscles nor the appropriate biological adaptations to undergo a fever response, let alone the ability to dance, all this really meant was that
they were about to be set on fire by some dancing bodybuilders.
That however backfired (heh heh) as the fire jumped onto the bodies (heh heh) of the bodybuilders due to the unnatural amounts of oil slathered on their bodies.
"You'll never stop our fiery burning hearts!" they cried. Then they burned to death.
And up from the ashes arose
Steve Albini
The sloth set on fire.
That is, he set the record "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, Presented in Audio Format" on a nearby turntable, put the needle on the record, and let it play.
The record began:
"Ladies and Gentlemen! I stand
This is an audio recording of "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, Presented in in Audio Format" based on the original hardcover edition "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, the original textbook for Universities and Elementary Schools".
And then the record player caught fire. The sloth made an exasperated sighing noise and
whined, "I remember this book by heart. Let me continue."
But then Jaspy whined harder causing the sloth to commit suicide out of envy. Jipzo started whining again. He was whining hardcore.
The sloth's ghost was just hanging around.
Suddenly, it became aware of
the inner workings of the universe and decided to pass its knowledge to
Norman was on fire.
a notorious pyromaniac. In fact, it was probably him who had been setting everything/one else on fire.
Norman hopped and flapped his way back into the nearby river of blood to put himself out, but was hit by a passing bearded geek corpse raft and killed instantly. Thus, the giant sloth's ghost's profound knowledge
leaked out of Norman and fused with the blood in the blood river. It flowed for hundreds of miles until it gathered in a crater left by a demonic titanite meteorite ten thousand years ago. All the blood formed a blood lake, infused with the knowledge of the sloth's ghost, as it was when it was passed to Norman. It is said that, by drinking this blood, one can gain near-omniscience as well as a mastery of mystic fire powers, but the exact location of the blood lake is unknown. It is rumored to be somewhere in Bolivia, but nobody goes near the area where some say it is, on account of the shrodgeish living nearby.
TL note: shrodgeish means bison.
Chapter 2.71828: The Bombastic Bison of the Bolivian Blood Basin
It was always raining in
being on fire.
What with luck being a non-physical object, McNally could not just extinguish it with the abundant precipitation around him either. Indeed, the best he could do was curse at it and hope for the best.
Alas, McNally's luck ran out and he
had to call the service and ask for replacement. However, they didn't want to give their luck out and
, instead, just sent him
, somewhat predictably at this point, fire.
Randy opened the package of fire and, upon seeing its inflammatory contents, became
inflamed.
Suddenly, the ghost of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Smxxpy had arrived.