[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [FAIRLY LONG] [PART III] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7049 09:20

Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/

Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding

501 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 14:11

kind of bored. She had seen a lot of 500GETs in her days, and this was not the first time she had seen one eat a dog. The only thing she had never seen a GET of some sort do was

502 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 15:31

spill crime.

503 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 19:31

THE DOG'S ANGER LIVED ON INSIDE OFTHE HEARTS OF ALL THOSE WHO DARED EXIST!

504 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 19:57

As for those who didn't dare to exist,

505 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 20:32

THE ANGER COULDN'T GET TO THEM WHICH MADE IT EVEN MORE ANGRY!

506 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7176 22:49

I know, I'll use the new EME standards to blacklist anyone not running Inferno OS and then implement that code into comprehensive web plugins forcing everyone to switch.

507 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7177 00:04

AND THEN THE DOG'S ANGER SAW SHIMAMURA-KUN HUGGING SMOKED SALMON which promptly calmed it down. It was no longer anger, but a state of "Mmmmmmm"

508 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7177 13:16

and then the mmmmmmmmmm turned into mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! AND IT WAS MUFFLED ANGER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

509 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7178 06:06

THE ANGRY DOG reëmbarked at once for the Norwegian capital

510 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7179 00:22

, which had recently been renamed

511 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7182 18:16

Kittentown, after its recent invasion by the Feline's Republic of Catland.

512 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7182 23:09

It was a desolate wasteland. All the invading forces had died from the cold after killing most of the natives. ANGRY DOG soon became sad dog after seeing the death and destruction.

513 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7184 11:46

Meanwhile, in the stratosphere several kilometers above Kittentown,

514 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7184 14:32

a single budgie wondered just how it had managed to gain so much altitude with such tiny wings.

515 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7190 10:32

Of course, the foolish budgie had forgotten that

516 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7190 18:01

children have ankles, and

517 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7190 19:03

attached to these ankles are feet, and feet can be used to kick, and kicking can be used to launch a budgie into the stratosphere (assuming, as in this case, that

518 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7192 00:18

the universe was on the cusp of exploding, as it was wont to do) and so it was quite a normal experience for the smallest force of childhood whimsy to launch the craziest matter into space, where they were soon evaporated in any case by the violent conflagration of the humdrum universal cataclysm.

519 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7192 19:28

"Stop!" exclaimed an oddly familiar voice, "This

520 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7192 20:56

Heat is my favorite band!"

521 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7203 06:29

The voice belonged to none other than Benix McBenisson, half-brother of Alebart O'Bartley, illegitimate father of Corpulous Corpissussion, who once met a guy who called himself Charles the Nerdslayer, though he really didn't get to know the guy very well.

Benix McBenisson was a brilliant investor and had made a small fortune in the cock market, which he was always willing to share. His half-brother, on the other hand, was nothing but a slob who went around having children out of wedlock. Which was really quite a shame when you consider the O'Bartley family's legacy.

The earliest known members of the O'Bartley clan were hunter-gatherer-marketers, who invented the art of convincing people to buy things they couldn't afford before money was even a concept. From there on, the O'Bartleys appear several times in ancient legends as brave warriors and kings. It is said that every part of the world has, at some point, belonged to an O'Bartley. In fact, recent discoveries have revealed that there may have been a Chinese O'Bartley dynasty, and that it was simply poorly translated or whichever branch of the O'Bartley family tree that went there changed their name to something that would blend in better.

In somewhat more recent history, O'Bartleys served as highly decorated soldiers in several wars, including, but not limited to, the American Independence war and both World Wars. In fact, some historians claim that Adolf Hitler did not, in fact, commit suicide, but instead was killed by Clarence O'Bartley, who later became known for performing in various circuses around the United States and a few in Canada.

Most recently, Thomas G. O'Bartley climbed the summit of Mount Everest 2, a previously-invisible mountain near Mount Everest which Thomas discovered on his own and made visible by defeating an evil wizard with the power of science. His sister, Bertha N. O'Bartley, discovered a cure for every disease known to man, as well as a way to manufacture it for so cheap that it can be distributed to every person on earth every day for less than the cost of a single loaf of bread. In another O'Bartley family branch, Nichigawara O'Bartley, a lawyer, recently convicted a large group of corrupt politicians who were selling their votes to banks and energy companies and launched an investigation into several large corporations accused of various questionably-legal activities which ruined the lives of millions of citizens.

As amazing as this lineage is, Alebart seems to be content to simply be a hoodlum. Or rather, he was, until one day

522 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7203 08:16

The next day, he exploded. In another

523 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7203 09:07

universe with completely different values for its fundamental constants, the uranium-based lifeforms orbiting a galaxy-sized black hole decided to

524 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7203 16:24

get fucked uuuuuup!

525 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7204 00:30

First, they had to enrich themselves, so they built a library to share the knowledge.

526 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7205 15:08

To maximize the knowledge they could gain from the library, they constructed it in a pocket universe and made it out of infinite, identical, hexagonal cells, each containing four walls of bookshelves and two with only doorways. On these bookshelves were every possible book. Of course, since the library contained every possible book, not just every possible coherent book,

527 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7205 15:19

it contained every volume of the DQN Short Novel trilogy, which can hardly be considered "coherent". One of the uranium-based lifeforms, by the name of Xyblgrj, happened to be wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj opened it at a random page and began reading.

...man eating tiger was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but

528 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 02:45

Xyblgrj, who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj and the tiger opened it at a random page and began reading.

...man eating shark was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but

529 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 13:38

Xyblgrj (pursued by a man eating tiger), who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj, the tiger and the shark opened it at a random page and began reading.

...man eating courgette was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but

530 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 15:31

the main character from the previous book in the series, DQN Short Novel Volume III

531 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 17:50

DQN Short Novel Volume III tore through the linen cloths of spacetime and decided to have a picnic in the library.

DQN Short Novel Volume III, Xyblgrj, the tiger, the shark, the courgette, Xyblgrj and Xyblgrj were just about to start eating when suddenly

532 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 18:26

they decided to get fuck uuuuuup instead.

533 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 23:03

But they had to move those microwave ovens.

534 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7206 23:12

The original Xyblgrj thought, "Who could come up with such a twisted crap?" and put the book back, and wandered away.

At the same time author of this story wiped the sweat off his forehead and began arguing with himself, "Who is going to incorporate these events in the next books? What if I forget? What if my series get cancelled?.." In a feat of panic attack, he broke his pencil in half and whispered, "Crap..."

535 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7207 13:37

"...no wait, if I sharpen this half of the pencil, now I have two little pencils!"

536 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7207 20:02

DQN Short Novel Volume III again did his party trick of tearing through spacetime, and stepped out of the novel into the author's room.

"Hey, that's a great pair of tiny pencils you've got!" he said, "You should try sticking them in your mouth and doing walrus impressions! Anyway, would you like to

537 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7207 20:43

get fucked uuuuup?"

538 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7207 20:51

Nobody answered, as the author was unavailable by a few microseconds, writing down the very events that were unfolding and thinking about DQN Short Novel Volume III's inevitable demise - the 1000GET that will end his life.

Unflustered, DQN Short Novel Volume III got on with the THREAD. “What are you doing here, Nobody?” he asked.

539 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7207 21:16

Elsewhere,

540 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7208 00:23

the

541 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7208 00:26

big

542 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 00:44

fat butt was

543 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 01:20

bouncing along

544 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 04:22

and farting

545 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 13:17

Nobody noticed.

546 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 13:18

a song

547 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 13:42

Splat!

548 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 13:45

the debut single from Butt and the Big Fats

549 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7209 16:03

. In the top ten for all of two minutes, it slid down to

550 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 17:37

eleventh place where it lingered for a few weeks, like a fart whose odour still haunts a location long after its creator has absconded.

Meanwhile, in Lesotho,

551 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 18:33

small angry men with hairy faces and burning feet

552 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 19:16

were attending a concert. Beady Eyes and the Derail Band was to perform there, playing their new hit song, "Ha Ha Butt and the Big Fats are Losers Everyone Quick Point At Them and Laugh", which had just hit #3 on the charts, just under

553 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 19:19

"Goobaaaa" and "Spoade"

554 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 23:32

. The small angry men of Lesotho were not impressed with this irritating small eyed rabbit or his posse. They cared little for the nuances of anus related musical politics, and simply wanted

555 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7211 23:48

to get fucked uuuuup.

556 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 02:24

Unfortunately white oak trees

557 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 05:06

all hate pop music, and

558 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 09:45

some grew, some withered. Few turned an eye to them, but those that did were disappointed and bored.

559 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 22:57

When the small angry men were distracted, the oak trees convened and plotted to remove the pop musicians from Lesotho once and for all. The first stage of their plan was to gather

560 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 23:17

bearded geeks and

561 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7212 23:21

geeky beards

562 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7213 17:52

. They would then incite rebellion in said beards, causing them to rebel against their tyrannical geeky overlords. The geeks, strangled to death by their own beards, would then serve as

563 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7214 00:07

rafts for floating passengers and cargo across the rivers of blood and back

564 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7214 20:37

. Little did the oak trees know,

565 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7219 21:05

they were about to experience a MUSCLE DANCE FEVER‼.

566 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7219 22:00

Although, as oak trees possess neither muscles nor the appropriate biological adaptations to undergo a fever response, let alone the ability to dance, all this really meant was that

567 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 00:53

they were about to be set on fire by some dancing bodybuilders.

568 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 00:56

That however backfired (heh heh) as the fire jumped onto the bodies (heh heh) of the bodybuilders due to the unnatural amounts of oil slathered on their bodies.

569 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 02:46

"You'll never stop our fiery burning hearts!" they cried. Then they burned to death.

570 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 03:06

And up from the ashes arose

571 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 03:14

Steve Albini

572 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 03:15

a sloth of immense proportions!

573 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 03:53

The sloth set on fire.

574 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 06:35

That is, he set the record "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, Presented in Audio Format" on a nearby turntable, put the needle on the record, and let it play.

The record began:

575 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 14:48

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I stand

576 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 14:52

This  is  an audio recording  of "On Fire:   A Scientific,  Historical,  and Philosophic  Study,     Presented in  in  Audio  Format"   based  on the  original  hardcover  edition  "On Fire:   A Scientific, Historical,    and  Philosophic  Study,  the   original  textbook for  Universities  and Elementary   Schools".

577 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 18:52

And then the record player caught fire. The sloth made an exasperated sighing noise and

578 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 19:12

whined, "I remember this book by heart. Let me continue."

579 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 19:18

But then Jaspy whined harder causing the sloth to commit suicide out of envy. Jipzo started whining again. He was whining hardcore.

The sloth's ghost was just hanging around.

580 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7220 20:28

Suddenly, it became aware of

581 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 00:22

the inner workings of the universe and decided to pass its knowledge to

582 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 05:30

a spiny lumpsucker named Norman.

583 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 06:03

Norman was on fire.

584 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 16:41

An unusual condition for a fish, but then Norman was

585 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 16:49

a notorious pyromaniac. In fact, it was probably him who had been setting everything/one else on fire.

Norman hopped and flapped his way back into the nearby river of blood to put himself out, but was hit by a passing bearded geek corpse raft and killed instantly. Thus, the giant sloth's ghost's profound knowledge

586 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 19:21

leaked out of Norman and fused with the blood in the blood river. It flowed for hundreds of miles until it gathered in a crater left by a demonic titanite meteorite ten thousand years ago. All the blood formed a blood lake, infused with the knowledge of the sloth's ghost, as it was when it was passed to Norman. It is said that, by drinking this blood, one can gain near-omniscience as well as a mastery of mystic fire powers, but the exact location of the blood lake is unknown. It is rumored to be somewhere in Bolivia, but nobody goes near the area where some say it is, on account of the shrodgeish living nearby.

587 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7221 23:25

TL note: shrodgeish means bison.

Chapter 2.71828: The Bombastic Bison of the Bolivian Blood Basin

588 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 00:15

It was always raining in

589 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 00:22

Sheboygan these days. Randy McNally cursed his luck for

590 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 02:28

being on fire.

591 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 14:42

What with luck being a non-physical object, McNally could not just extinguish it with the abundant precipitation around him either. Indeed, the best he could do was curse at it and hope for the best.

Alas, McNally's luck ran out and he

592 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 19:02

had to call the service and ask for replacement. However, they didn't want to give their luck out and

593 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 21:03

, instead, just sent him

594 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7222 22:46

, somewhat predictably at this point, fire.

595 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7223 13:42

Randy opened the package of fire and, upon seeing its inflammatory contents, became

596 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7223 15:31

inflamed.

597 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7223 20:36

Suddenly, the ghost of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

598 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7223 21:13

exploded

599 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7224 00:17

in delight, for

600 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7224 00:20

Smxxpy had arrived.

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