[NOVEL] DQN Short Novel [FAIRLY LONG] [PART III] (999)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7049 09:20

Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/

Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding

701 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7306 23:00

Unfortunately for Cirno, she had the rocket launcher pointed the wrong way, and blew herself up.

702 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 01:01

Convictor Lamaxanadu launched an investigation of the situation.

703 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 05:40

Nitori was to be questioned in case she had any involvement with Cirno acquiring a rocket launcher.

704 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 18:07

Suddenly, Clonepa appeared wearing a frilly dress and a ridiculous hat and released a barrage of

705 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 19:39

tasty cupcakes. Everyone else

706 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 19:48

was horrified at the sight of an old man with a ballsack on his face dressed in a frilly dress.

707 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7307 20:10

But beady eyes was turned on by his

708 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 12:18

friend's crossdressing escapades - how sick! Really, Beady Eyes should just

709 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 15:30

stick to regular crossdressers like the rest of us! The ballsacks are just obscene!
Noticing beady eyes' reaction, Clonepa

710 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 16:37

's head inflated rapidly, like a pig's bladder attached to a garden hose. Within seconds his head exploded, spraying everyone in the vicinity with

711 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 17:32

pa goo

712 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 17:38

(which, although chemically completely different, bears a distinct similarity to

713 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7308 18:40

SpongeBob).

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Marisa decided it was time to quietly sneak away, but

715 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 16:51

couldn't resist

716 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 18:27

the tasty cupcake that had landed in front of her. It was all done up with nice frilly frosting, just like

717 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 18:40

Clonepa used to make. Wracked with grief over her headless friend, she

718 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 21:19

forced herself to enjoy her late friend's last precious gift. She shoved the cupcake down her throat, one painful mouthful at a time. Her eyes stung and her cheeks streamed with tears. How had it come to this? How could fate be so cruel? Why even continue living in a world where your best friend's head might explode at any moment, for no reason at all?

Marisa collapsed into a sobbing heap of limbs, frills and cupcake icing. Everyone else looked nervously at one another,

719 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 23:47

and were immediately derailed.

In 1459, Gorub McDuckinson of Walchester, New Yevville had no mittens. Because of this, the other residents of Walchester, New Yevville decided to

720 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7309 23:52

start a new chapter.

Chapter 99, Part 9: The

721 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 00:31

Dojiemon was pulling his old tricks again.

722 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 20:15

The creaky old wagon strained under the weight of his magic act's props as he dragged it fruitlessly from one theater to another.

723 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 20:28

Suddenly, a platoon of policeman parachuted in from above.

"Stop right there!" shouted one of them. "Your chapter title isn't finished! You'll

724 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7310 20:45

never work in this town again!"

725 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 00:10

CHAPTER 100.23.0.04.a
A Hard Day's Bite

Ethel the modified hog hopped down to the gas station and

726 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 00:20

was blown to smithereens by the subsequent explosion. One might ask why the gas station had exploded at that moment - had someone left the engine on? Had someone dropped a lit cigarette? Or was it something more malicious - an assassination made to look like an accident? An act of terrorism?

Or had the novel itself decided that that gas station was to explode, simply for the sake of turning Ethel the modified hog into crispy bacon?

The world may never know.

727 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 00:44

Unless it reads the following sentence:

The gas station was actually a disguised landmine placed there by Astrid Kunsherston III de Muscovy to kill Rex Rockstar. However, his modified hog pet ran free and set off the mine before Rex got too close.

728 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 03:55

The hog was named Grastcone, and this is his story.

729 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 04:21

Ethel was his slave name.

730 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 21:28

Gratscone was born at an early age, from mixed parents - one male, one female. The male one happened to be Goscone, the legendary

731 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 22:31

sweat hog.

732 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 22:45

"Gratscone, my son," he'd often say, "Some day you'll

733 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 22:47

meet Gross Cone, your mother."

734 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 22:54

Little did either of them know,

735 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7311 22:57

Gross Cone is no longer known as Gross Cone. Since 19XX she has been known as Astrid Kunsherston III de Muscovy.

736 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 13:17

Meanwhile, at the galactic core,

737 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 14:28

war was beginning. Not a normal war, mind you-- this was to be a war unlike any other. Fought exclusively by half-brothers pitted against each other, armed with copies of every book ever written, ever to be written, being written, not being written, that which had not been written, which will not be written, which will be/is/was possible but will not, is not, was not written, that which could never be written, that which could never be written but was/will be/is being written anyway, etc., etc., etc. The war was to be fought in a giant fishbowl full of water which would be so highly oxygenated as to be breathable, like it were air. Nobody was quite sure yet what the war would be about, and so the two sides met to discuss this so that they could just start this damn war already.

The meeting was held in

738 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 15:48

Azathoth's rectum.

739 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 16:01

THE CAGE!!! Impatience had gripped both sides and they knew that something would inevitably erupt at the meeting. The first 20 minutes were tense but under control... a key speaker was idly tapping a pen aganst hs desk when it bounced out of his hands and when he went to pick it up, a member of the opposite party kicked it away.The reaction was instant:

740 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 16:02

"I hate these theme pubs," muttered General Cosgone, as he

741 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 18:06

prepared a nitrous oxide tank. He strapped the inhaler over his mouth and nose. "Ever since that incdent with the

742 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 19:53

diarrhoea dump

743 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 20:22

diner and

744 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 20:35

Kofi Kingston.

745 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 20:44

"

Everyone else present stared at him expectantly, willing him to go on. But, to their horror, his eyelids slowly sank over his glassy eyes, and from his slack mouth erupted a monstrous snore.

746 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 21:09

And then a dog came. Expectedly, he was very angry.

747 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 21:43

He bit General Cosgone on the butt and

748 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7312 22:02

therefore was sentenced to death by elephant.

749 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 01:08

The elephant was also very angry.

750 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 01:35

Unfortunately the elephant was not angry enough to move and the execution was taking forever.

751 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 03:30

Meanwhile, General Cosgone's butt was bleeding profusely and required

752 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 04:34

Hawaii

753 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 04:43

Harlots to kiss it better.

754 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 22:09

Alas, the aforementioned harlots were busy fondling

755 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7313 22:12

the only butt professor on the island.

756 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 01:09

The butt professor turned out to be Dr. Robotnik and his big fat butt, who had given himself a fake degree in butt-ology.

757 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 15:28

"You may refer to me from now on as Dr. Robuttnik." He announced, thoroughly pleased with his sophisticated upper-crust sense of humor.

758 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:09

After an astonished "Rather!", the harlots retrieved their monocles and laughed delicately at the wicked jape. Then they all put on their top hats and

759 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:16

performed a dance number.

760 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 20:46

Too bad they DIED.

761 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7314 23:04

General Cosgone, denied the attention of the vital Hawaii Harlots, soon died too. There is only so much blood you can lose from a dog-bitten butt before that happens, after all.

762 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 02:28

Ethel the modified hog, aka Gratscone,

763 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 03:26

decided to call up an old friend in hopes of finding some way to solve the harlot and butt problem plaguing the world.

764 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 03:31

The phone rang for a few seconds before Rex Rockstar picked up.

765 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 04:27

Gratscone spoke a few moments with him before wrinkling his brow in confusion. "I am sorry," he said, "I believe I have a wrong number."

766 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 08:14

Sinister nightblooms

767 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 18:24

lay dead and curled and dried all over the altar, causing

768 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 20:16

a heinous scent to

769 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7315 20:19

blackening mushrooms.

770 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 01:47

The stench began to summon

771 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 02:22

carrion swallows.

772 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 03:07

Penis

773 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 04:07

.

The swallows were eating all the dead Hawaiian Harlots' corpses.

"That takes care of that problem" said Goatscone.

774 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 13:23

Gritscone exploded.

775 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 16:57

Meanwhile, Groutscone was busy grouting tiles in the Mediterranean.

776 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 17:14

Grootscone wandered the barbarian wilderness.

777 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 17:40

Scones Smoopy scone thought that he g*tscone problem was very reminiscent of the Smoopy problem from earlier.

778 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 18:02

Just then, a universal reset button appeared somewhere in northern Toledo.

779 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 19:27

The sign on it read "UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CONDITIONS SHOULD THIS BUTTON BE PRESSED." Predictably,

780 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 21:21

the universe exploded before Pushy McPressyHands could get anywhere near it.

781 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7316 22:58

after the universe calmed down, the G*tscones returned to their activities. Scones Smoopy scone decided to call a conference.

782 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 00:30

"We have to do something about this damned unstable universe! Every time I turn my back on it, it explodes!" Smoopy Sconescone slammed the podium with a hoof in emphasis.

"We need to

783 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:35

pee

784 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:45

hamburger buns." said Papa Burgeria

785 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 04:50

"Won't excreting solids through our urinary ducts be extremely painful?" iquired

786 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 05:27

Silly Goopster.

"Who cares! I'm tired of just waiting around! We won't get anything done unless we act! RAAAAAAAAARAAGH!" said a character last seen several hundred posts ago as he tried to force hamburger buns through his urethra.

787 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 13:24

His through buns, hamburger, force to tried. He, as ago posts, hundred several seen last. Character 'A' said, "RAAAAAAAAARAAGH! Act we unless done anything get, won't we! Around waiting just of tired....I'm cares! Who?"

Goopster Silly iquired, "Painful extremely be ducts. Urinary, our through solids! Excreting won't?"

Burgeria Papa said, "Buns. Hamburger pee to need. We..."

Emphasis in hoof A. With podium, the slammed Sconescone Smoopy: "Explodes it...it on...back...my turn I! Time every universe, unstable! DAMNED THIS! About something, do to have...we..."

788 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:23

Then, predictably, the

789 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:31

universe

790 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 19:44

opened the refrigerator and

791 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 20:05

was startled to find

792 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 21:49

ancient footprints.

793 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7317 23:00

FOXDIE

794 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 19:35

Then the balls touched.

795 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 19:57

Given that they inhabited the same nutsack, they actually touched quite often, so this was nothing new.

796 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 21:18

Texas Red had not cleared leather when

797 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7318 23:18

the universe last exploded

798 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 05:13

Sperm-filled goo

799 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 05:58

all the way to the Horsehead Nebula from the Horsecock Nebula

800 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-7319 11:14

.

Meanwhile, on Neptune, an unmanned probe was eagerly reaching out its little appendages towards the 800GET,

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