Previously: http://4-ch.net/dqn/kareha.pl/1335873482/
Prologue: Mr Gray and his Exploding
the the the th-th-the GIANT APE!
The the the the the; the the the the the the the. The the - the the the the - the the, the the (the the the the) the the the. The the the the the/the the the "The the the the the, the the the!" the the the "The the‽ The the the the!"
The
had overloaded, and was about to explode.
And then the universe exploded, worried that its status as Big
Bad Exploder was in danger.
glass skirt.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" said Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog when light reflected from the glass skirt into his eyes.
"What was that?" Said Sang the Druid. "That sound didn't come from that man over there!" pointing to Accomplis.
Druggdeler was of the opinion that pointing is very rude, so he
punched Sang's dumb Celtic face with his invisible, shrieking hand.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" Shrieked Sang in chorus with Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog.
Accomplis, distressed by the noise, began
to shriek.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow"
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow"
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow"
A few spectating VIPpers angrily got up and left, leaving yellowing dakimakuras behind. Most of the audience had already started yelling by that time, the rest got up on the stage and tried to put their own show on.
The abandoned dakimakuras became demonically possessed, levitating and glowing a particularly unpromising shade of red. The audience ran for their lives, but it was too late - the dakimakuras
forced them back into their seats for the duration if the thread.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" continued absolutely everyone except the gagged audience who will not be brought up again.
The shrieking turned to bawling which turned to everyone hugging while bawling in a puddle of tears, snot, and saliva.
"All those poor cats" blustered Accomplis
"I wish there was never any programming based on me" sobbed OGs Smoopy og.
"I don't know what I'm doing with my life!" Screeched Sang.
"Waaahaaahooo bloo bloop woohoo waaah wan wan!" Everyone cried.
A moment later the heavens opened, and out from a gap between the clouds descended
Weoweowoewowoeoeoeows Smoopy weoweowoewowoeoeoeows, who promptly
got bludgeoned by everyone for going against traditional Smoopy naming conventions (Capital plural "Smoopy" lowercase singular).
"Blame my parents, not m- aurgh!" died whatever Smoopy whatever.
As the sun set on this abysmal scene, a
lolicon DQN reflected on
how long it would be until the Greats Skies Lolis Smoopy great sky loli turned up, and how moé she would be relative to the original. He concluded that
it'd be 1.1x to 1.3x cuter.
After hours of intense calculation, the lolicon DQN concluded that it would be precisely 1.2x cuter.
All of a sudden,
the Math Men came out of nowhere.
"Congrats man! You quantified cuteness! Here's an award!"
The award was a potato. But not just any potato. It was a
russet potato. With GOLD on it.
And the cure to Smoopy-oriented programming in it.
Shockingly, it turned out that the cure was, in fact, the
microscopic remains of a pair of radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses. These remains had been embedded inside the potato briefly after the GSL had removed the sunglasses (which she had taken from Mr. Gray) and thereby caused the universe to explode.
But nobody really cared about any of that, because
the gang who was trying to cure the disease was over in another story arc.
Additionally, suggesting that any false loli-god, Smoopylike or otherwise, could be cuter than the one true Great Sky Loli was blasphemy, and the lolicon DQN was promptly smited.
"Ufufufu!" chuckled the GSL. Her plan to become slightly evil
when suddenly Mysterious Tragic Sniper X shot GSL with a fusion projectile right into the brain instantly killing her and causing a counter-explosion!
He shed a tear of
dung. He didn't enjoy killing gods, but he was bored, after all.
Of course, the GSL was immortal, so she didn't really die, she just faked her death and went into hiding. Again. To be honest, everyone thought the whole thing was getting kind of old and that she was just looking for attention, but everyone played along with it anyway because at least this way she would stop bugging them for praise and worship for a little while. Eventually, she would come back out of hiding again, and everyone would be all like, woah, you're alive? We thought you were dead! All hail the GSL! but in truth, they all knew she was just hiding this entire time.
In the meantime, all of the GSL's regular duties, such as drinking tea, wearing frilly dresses, and being moe, were handed over to the Great Sky Shota, who was in the process of
cross dressing. His bum
also had a buttplug in it with an artificial kitty-cat tail.
Now that she was gone, the cuter, more bearable GLSs Smoopy gsl was raised back on the cuteness pedestal.
Cats were dying by the 6 million and there was still no cure. Also the parasites or whatever were dying too, but no one cares.
"This is a disaster, soon there will be no cool cats left! Or any cats for that matter!" exclaimed Cats druid mcCat, who was a druid that loved cats.
"I know!" said Inventors druid mcInventor. "While you folks look for a cure, I'll make a Cat Generator to make up for the lost population."
And so mcInventor created a Cat Generator which began to generate cats at the same rate they were dying. Unfortunately the Cat Generator required fuel, and the fuel was
Christmas tidings.
"Where are we going to get Christmas tidings on the middle of September? September will never end meaning December will never come!" said Smoopys Accomplis druid McSmoopy
"When I was a rapper I had a mountain of skulls. We can use those skulls' spookiness to propel us into the end of October and escape the eternal September!" said Smoopy or Whatevers Smoopy whatever or something. Who knows at this point?
"I'll still kill every last druid after we cure the cats." grunted Druggdeler.
"Sounds like a plan!" said Sang.
However, the ghost of the accidental VIPPER, who died three months before the first volume of the DQN Short Novel, had other plans. He had been watching the story unfold this whole time, and as a result, he had been driven quite insane, and could not stand the same running joke going on for too long. He knew this whole Smoopy thing had to stop. And so, he conferred with his associate, the ghost of Walbert Smeth.
"Mr. Smeth, how have the plans been coming along?"
"Well, Mr. Accidental VIPPER, the late engineers down in the deceased technology lab think they have something to end both the dying cats problem and the whole Smoopy thing. It's a cat generator, and it runs on derivatives of Smoopy."
"Excellent, Mr. Smeth. Get the late patent attorneys on it right away."
And so began the race between the ghosts and the allies of Smoopy, each side working as hard as they could to get their cat makers in working order and fueled before the other.
Meanwhile, the GSL was in a hidden bunker, writing a letter to her brother and lover, the GSS.
Little did accidental VIPPER know, but Smoopy was Walbert Smeth in a past life. When alive, Walbert, born Walbeshmloshe Goldbergenstein, was a conniving nepotistic Jew. He modified the designs of the generator to convert VIPPERs to cats at a 1:18 ratio.
"Silly VIPPERs!" said Walbert
, "Smoopy is for kids!"
The VIPPERs begun to catify at a terrifying rate. But then Deadly druid mcDeadly stepped in and
mediated everything perfectly. Everyone was getting along with each other with the exception of Druggdeler. He still hated those druids.
"Working together, we'll save the cats even faster!" said Papsi Orlova.
"Smoopy should be back with the skulls soon enough." said Mackie Concepcion Wolfgang.
However, all the Smoopies all over the world suddenly died. Walbert Smeth's ghost was transported to the tanasinn chamber, as is the fate of all who oppose the cause of VIP.
Also, the GSL finished her letter. It went a little something like this:
nuh uh.
Science Chief General Grote Scone arrived huffing and puffing, "I got new information here! I turned the Smoopy butt piece into a vaccine! It won't cure the disease, but we can vaccinate cat babies to prevent them from getting it."
Cheers came from all around the junkyard or wherever everyone was.
Meanwhile, in the ghost world, the number of ghosts had significantly increased due to the sudden Deaths Smoopy death. Fortunately the ghost of Sciences Chiefs Generals Grotes Scones Smoopy Science Chief General Grote Scone arrived huffing and puffing, "I got new Informations Smoopy information here! I turned the ghost of the Buttpieces Smoopy buttpiece into a vaccine for ghosts! It won't cure the disease, but we can vaccinate ghost babies to prevent them from getting it."
And so the Smoopy problem was solved for everyone except the parasites or whatever.
"Thanks for your help druids," snarled Druggdeler, "but I'm afraid I have to
go stick my dick in a piece of cheesecake. Come on, Accomplis, we're leaving."
Accomplis
was defiant.
"It's time to stop being an Accomplis and start being a. . .uh. What's the word? Leader? No, that's not it. Something that means independent man. Hmm. I can't think of the right word for it. Help me out here."
"How about druid?" asked Patriarch druid mcPatriarch, stepping dramatically out of the shadows into a ray of sunlight. He beamed with a stern fatherly smile at Accomplis. "It is time, Accomplis. You may join our mystical ranks, if you so desire."
"Hmm," said Accomplis, "I think
you're FULL OF SHIT, OLD MAN!"
Two fingers.
One asshole.
Penetrated.
Long, deep, and hard.
Meanwhile, on the planet of the grapes,
an investigation was ongoing to find out who graped the apex.
It was the the the th-th-the GIANT APE!
The GIANT APE is a convicted groper and rapist! It's no joke, kids! Report the GIANT APE if you see it in the grapes!
Furthermore, konbinis should all be destroyed! Make a note of it!
~~~
The literal pirate paused to take a swig of rum. Yes, this was going well - his audience was still listening intently, and he had managed to sneak in some propaganda without losing them. He continued the story:
~~~
Chapter Qwubble: In Which the Previously-Unknown Daughter of Thursh Has a Tea Party and Befriends Some People and Stuff Like That
Late one afternoon on a strangely summery September day, a young girl was having a tea party. She was a proper little lady, wearing a clean white sundress and drinking in cute little sips, but she was somewhat distracted today. Today, she was feeling somewhat... lonely. Her thoughts drifted over to the servant who briefly tended her father's mansion, another young girl who she loved to play with. She had not seen that servant girl in quite a while--not since the girl left to go do deity stuff. She wished to see her again one day, perhaps for a day of wearing cute dresses and drinking tea and debating the nature of moe. Ah! But we forgot to mention the name of Thursh's daughter here. She was just such a nice and proper little lady that she was too polite to interrupt and point it out. Her name was
Dead to Rights and she was actualt an undercover old man. A secret agent with the mission to capture Druggdeler.
Yes, that's just the sort of pretend game that Penelope Cosecant was prone to playing. She wasn't sure who or what Druggdeler was, but she'd overheard her father talking about him in a derogatory manner, so she employed her tragically limited knowledge of spy dramas to create an alter ego able to track him down.
Wasting no time, Penelope began to look for clues.
"Dead to Rights was hot on the trail. After beating the robot ghost pirate dinosaur mob boss, he found a clue that led him to believe that the infamous Druggdeler was hiding in... the gonzo pool!" Penelope liked to narrate her adventures in imagination. She crept over to the pool, which was full of jello for no apparent reason.
Chapter Genghis: A Sweet End to a Bitter Non Sequitur
"Your insolence will be the end of your life, fool!" said Patriarch druid McPatriarch
"Stop talking like a villain cliche you gobferbrains!" said a returning Smoopy with a handful of skulls. "We can't let this silly nonsense get in the way of progress. All we need to do is make these skulls so scary it becomes October 31st."
"Man, FUCK druids. I don't wanna work with them. I wanna killemall instead." huffed a pouting Druggdeler.
"Think of the cats!" cried No Longer An Accomplis
before suddenly bloating to gigantic proportions, splattering Smoopy all over the druids and sending Druggdeler flying across the world. His trip ended when he landed in a pool of jello. However, he suffered brain damage from the force of the impact, and lost his memory as well as the ability to speak in any language other than gonorrhese. On the plus side, the destruction of that horrible gelatinous mass known as Smoopy finally ended the horror of Smoopy-oriented programming, finally saving all the cats once and for all.
The druids cast some magic druid spells to animate Smoopy's goopy parts. The parts crawled back together, reformed and retrieved Druggdeler from the pool. He took Druggdeler back to Science Chief General Grote Scone for examination. All the while, No Longer An Accomplis was holding a feast with the druids.
"I'll be done in a minute" said Science Chief General Grote Scone.
He shot tri-colored lasers in Druggdeler's brain fixing the stuff in it.
"Whu-whu? Where am I? Are the druids dead?" questioned Druggdeler.
"No Druggdeler, you are the druids," said Science Chief General Grote Scone.
Druggdeler flipped the fuck out.
. Literally just huge piles of shit, all over the place. A veritable mountain of feces on top of the mountain.
Goscone turned back and trotted away from Mount Shit, disgusted by the
shit.
A shit avalanche chased Goscone down the mountain. Torrents of shit barreled down the mountain at amazing speeds. Goscone, however, moved even faster. Goscone caught a hang glider from a hang glider tree partway through the mountain and glided out of there. The shit couldn't find any hang gliders so it just kept on going down. The shit tore through a small town. A house with a pool of jello was destroyed by the shit and the pool filled with shit. Goscone crashed into a jet, blowing it up. The pilot, Dead to Rights, was ripped to shreds and landed in the ever growing lake of shit below. Goscone, falling into the shit lake, was saying his final prayers. All of a sudden Pterodactyls druid McPterodactyl swooped in and saved Goscone.
Penelope wept for her beloved alter ego's cruel fate from the safety of the pterodactyl whose back she was on. She wasn't entirely sure how she came to be on the back of this pterodactyl rather than in that jet, in fact she suspected that she was just daydreaming and the jet had not in fact exploded. She considered the evidence:
Just as she came to the conclusion that she was simply being silly and all that probably didn't actually happen, her private jet alighted gently upon the mountaintop, which was noticeably devoid of faeces. It was not, however, devoid of Druggdelers, of which there was one specimen staring straight at her.
Penelope got out her
Goscone and the pterodactyl landed on an alien head shaped platform.
"We are at the scroll scanning hub. I need your cloven hooves to open the scroll room. It's activated by hog feet." said Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl.
"You saved me only for your own gain? Why should I help you?"
"You didn't think I saved you only out of selflessness, did you? I'm a druid. We run on ulterior motives. If you help me get the ancient druid scrolls I'll give you the power to supplant the Smoopy and druid naming conventions with your own Goscone version. Imagine it. 'Pterodactyled Goscone pterodactyl.' No more plurals, no more Mcs, only past tense!"
"Here's a better idea," Goscone said, "I'll take those ancient druid scrolls for myself and end all of this nonsense!"
Goscone charged and rammed the pterodactyl off the platform, then rapidly placed his hooves on the hoof scanner. He dashed inside the scroll room. Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl regained his balance in mid-air and flew up, but the scroll room doors shut just before he could make it in, causing him to comically slam into the doors.
"Dagnabbit druid McDagnabbit!" he exclaimed.
In the scroll room, Goscone
realized he had no idea what to do with the scrolls when he got them.
"I'll just play it cool and pretend I have some kinda idea what these scrolls are for." thought the hog.
Meanwhile, the scrolls had no idea what to do with Goscone.
"We'll just play it cool and pretend we have some kinda idea what this hog is for," thought the scrolls.
An awkward minute or two passed with the two parties staring at each other.
"This story is boring!" exclaimed Penelope. Sometimes, her own imagination disappointed her. To make things more interesting, she imagined up a swarm of dinosaurs and a swarm of giant beetles on top of the mountain and had them do imaginary battle.
General George S. Pattonosaurus looked out over the battlefield. His troops were fighting valiantly, but the beetles had dug their trenches deep, and they weren't coming up out of them. In fact, Pattonosaurus wondered whether the beetles had maybe dug too deep and not brought any ladders to get out. He sent a scoutiraptor over to check it out.
The tension between the scrolls and Goscone was rising. It was like the first date between middle schoolers. Goscone eventually made a move and took the scrolls. He attempted to read them, but they were in Language druid McLanguage.
"What a load of shit this is"
"Hey, buddy, you're a load of shit" retorted the scrolls
"Well I got half a mind to tear you all up and throw you in the fire!"
"You wouldn't dare! You don't have the BALLS to do it!"
That comment sent Goscone off the edge as he only had one testicle. In a fit of rage he tore up every scroll and set fire to the pile of paper pieces with a torch.
It was in that moment that the author realized that he had developed two entirely separate personalities, who were taking turns writing, and that one personality was attempting to ignore everything that the other wrote. He promptly checked himself into a mental institution, leaving the publishers to make the difficult decision of who to appoint as the new new author of the DQN Short Novel.
Penelope was fired for unknown reasons.
Chapter: A Rude Rebeginninging
The scrolls and Goscone
Hi everyone. I'm Donald Scopield, the new author of the short novel. I want to tell you now I don't know much about pigs and druids and little girls. What I do know about, however, are the Mongol Invasions of the 13th and 14th century. I'll write what I know and hope you guys like it
Chapter 1: Conquest of Western China
Genghis Khan genghis was gearing up for the conquest of China. He wanted all of the Chinese
suddenly became aware that from this point on, all odd numbered and even numbered posts would constitute separate narratives, until the two storylines converged somehow.
He began to weep profusely.
Penelope tried to console him, stroking his back and telling him
Goscone had no way to get back down from the skull shaped platform. Pterodactyl druid McPterodactyl would never help him after what he did. He called Smoopy for advice.
"Don't worry, I got this. Just wait till I get there." said Smoopy.
Goscone impatiently waited.
to make pork dumplings for his army, but they were runnin short on Pork. He called his right hand woman,
Koki Marfan. A Syrian basketweaver.
and told her "Koki, I want you to go find me a razorback hog. Undead, preferably."
This is for whom Goscone was waiting. But he didn't know it yet.
"Your will be done, my liege," Koki responded. She went to the armory tor retrieve her finest basketry equipment.
"Ok, jump down on me!" Yelled Smoopy up to Goscone.
Goscone was heading down at a rate of 9.8 meters per second per second down to Smoopy. He landed with a pffchhrrt on Smoopy.
"A safe landing!" the both said at the exact same time.
Suddenly the clip clopping of several horses could be heard. The sound was coming from a cloud of dust in the distance. It was getting closer.
"Now hold on jes' a minute there! What the dag gone heck er you s'posed ta be?" said
Koki was somewhat peeved about the sudden fleeing of the armory, so she rounded up some horsemen to chase after it with her.
Then the universe exploded, setting off a chain reaction which caused all nearby parallel universes to explode, cascading outwards in an unholy expanding fiery ball of death.
The only universe which was not destroyed was one in which
everyone was a western style smiley face.
"I am happy!" said :)
"Honk! Honk!" said :0)
"I'm sad!" said :(
The author then realized that he had made a sudden departure from the alternating odd-even posts converging storylines system. He checked himself into the same mental hospital as the previous author, leaving the publishers to once again comisserate over who the new author should be.
The authoer who just left was later found dead in a broom closet at the hospital. He wasn't very well-liked at this hospital, or anywhere in fact, so everyone just assumed the murder was justified.
n extremely deadly venomous snake.
"Help a wizard made me hold this snake and said that if I let go he would kill me and my whole family."
You look in confusion at her. The snake is ready to strike. You decide to stay back in fear of your own life. The snake lunged at her wrist, mouth open and ready to bite, when suddenly
The End